Letters From Nii-San

- Too Honest -

"Tch, you think you were the only one to receive letters from Itachi-san?" asked Kakashi, giving Sasuke a disbelieving look.

Sasuke looked away from his sensei. Those letters were supposed to be his letters, from his nii-san. Yes, Itachi had mentioned Kakashi a couple of times, but he figured that was only because he was his sensei. Now he was officially jealous, not only had they got to fight side-by-side, but Itachi must have really liked him to give him a set of his own letters. "...Yes," he mumbled.

Kakashi giggled. "Stop looking so depressed, Sasuke. You are the only one he wrote letters to. I just stole your book."

Although he was angry that Kakashi also apparently liked to monitor his stuff, he felt an odd sense of relief that he was the only one Itachi liked enough to write for. "You're a dick, Kakashi."

"Am I Kisame's dick? Because, you know, then I don't mind. And also, since you're gay, is that actually an indirect compliment?" teased the teacher.

"Hey, am I the only one who actually wants to figure what we need to do to make this right by everyone?" asked Naruto, butting in between the two lightning users.

"You're right Naruto-kun, let's see..." And with that he held up the book for the three ninja (and one waitress) to see.

Dear Kakashi-sempai, Naruto-kun and Otouto,

I am not exactly sure where you are reading this, but I would like for you to take a minute to evaluate how ridiculous you look if you are reading this book in a public location since Kakashi-san somehow chooses to read in the most public and awkward of places.

Like that one time when we were assigned to ensure a very high-profile wedding was safe. As they kissed on camera, Kakashi-sempai could be seen reading one of his books right at the altar.

Everyone looked around themselves. They indeed looked awkward.

Both Naruto and Sasuke were craning their necks over Kakashi's shoulders and their faces were much too close as if they were all sharing a bowl of ramen. Sasuke took a step back, Naruto awkwardly slid into the seat beside him and Kakashi tilted the book backwards so everyone could comfortably read the tiny font.

That being said, I would also like to congratulate you, Sasuke, for having the confidence to publically serenade Naruto-kun, especially with what I warned you at the Hyuuga mansion.

Maybe this would be the appropriate time to say that our maternal grandfather was a renowned singer and that you have always taken after mother's side?

Here everyone paused to hear the resounding smack of an open palm across a deserving forehead-

I am sorry, Sasuke. The only reason I did not tell you is because I was jealous. I, unlike you, was unlucky enough to inherit his voice that sounds like the last breaths of a dying, deaf peacock.

Anyway, now I shall address Naruto's most imminent concern,

How exactly does Kakashi's hair manage to stand up like that?

Well, Naruto-kun, that is a good question. I believe it is one of the seven secrets of Konoha along with what is under his mask. Personally, I think he uses an extremely weak version of Chidori on his hair every morning.

One time, we were assigned a mission together, and every morning during that month-long mission (Are you jealous, Otouto? :P), he would wake-up before me and spend forty five minutes in the washroom, after there were no more sounds of running water.

However, you never know, he could have been jerking off.

Were you jerking off Kakashi-sempai?

Kakashi could feel Sasuke and Naruto's questioning stares bore into the back of his head, or rather into the centre of his hair. He blushed. He felt rather awkward.

Now really, Kakashi-sempai, considering the grade of the literary porn that you now read, do you really have any right to blush? I remember you used to read and re-read that one really terrible smut trilogy every day before Jiraiya-sama's books came out.

What was it called? Fifty types of Kunai? Or Fifty shades of Chakra?

"EW, KAKASHI SENSEI, I CAN'T BELEIVE YOU READ THE FIFTY SHADES SERIES, THOSE ARE SO BAD THEY MAKE JIRAIYA'S BOOKS LOOK LIKE FREAKING SHAKESPEARE!" shouted Naruto as even Sasuke started shaking his head. Ayame had a sour look on his face. If she and Kakashi ever got together, she would have to show him some better literary porn.

;)

However, as much as I would like to stall this highly depressing matter, I must address Naruto-kun's actual concern.

What do we do about Sakura Haruno?

Naruto-kun, I am going to ask you to play along with this hypothetical for a little while, however unbelievable it may seem. It is the best way for me to illustrate what I am trying to say. A verbal genjutsu per say.

When Sasuke returned home, suppose that you had not noticed Sasuke's suddenly sociable demeanor and suppose that Sakura had. Now, suppose that I had misinterpreted my brother's affections and had been advising him to be with Sakura-chan during the time-frame in which she approaches Sasuke.

Now, suppose that my brother, being the endearingly emotionally dysfunctional child that he is, gets confused about his affections for you, gets together with Sakura and produces a new generation of violet-haired Uchihas.

What would she do about you, Naruto-kun?

.

Nothing

Kakashi felt something begin trembling near his shoulder. He looked up to find Naruto clutching his shoulder with one hand and furiously rubbing his eyes with another. Then, he saw Sasuke move over to squeeze the hand on his shoulder and lift one of Kakashi's own to place it on top of both of theirs.

The gesture was simple but spoke volumes. It showed that Sasuke would never leave him, and although he had not voluntarily moved his hand, Kakashi would support his unfortunate students through anything. After all of the bullshit they had been through, they deserved this much at least.

He flipped the page with his unoccupied hand.

Even if she still believed that you liked her, and not Sasuke, inflicting the pain of having to watch your best friend and your love get together, even if she still remained your good friend, is a cruel act, , is it not? You may disagree, however, from what I have observed; she would not second-guess her actions if they could jeopardize her and Sasuke's relationship.

I do not know if this is because she is simply that enamored with my brother, or if she clings to the idea of being the only one my seemingly unattainable brother could love.

Sasuke closed his eyes. Itachi's words had confirmed what he had just been thinking; Sakura was in love with the idea of him, rather than the actual him.

And as much as you would be justified to do so, I know that you, Naruto-kun, will not leave Sakura-chan out to dry like that. For all of her issues, she is one of the few people who cares for you and has supported you when the world was falling apart.

Sasuke vowed that he was going to punch himself when he got home tonight.

Although he did not regret leaving Konoha (how could he regret learning about his brother's true past and obtaining enough information to finally kill the last of the akatsuki?), he hated all of the social dynamics that changed when he left.

He resumed reading.

Alright then, now that I am sure I have thoroughly depressed everyone reading this book, I would like to apologize and move on.

After all, problems are not solved by harping and dwelling, but by action plans.

Here is yours.