Title: Chaperones and Charades

Author: Third Charm

Fandom: Babylon 5

Pairings: Delenn/Sheridan, Susan/Byron/Lyta, Marcus/Neroon.

Story Type: Comedy, Parody, and Drama.

Current Chapter Rating: T

Disclaimer: Babylon 5 and all subsequent major characters, plots, and ideas are the property of J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Inc. and Warner Bros. The Kreene, Lorrel, and the House of Ard are my original additions for the purposes of the storyline. The following story was written only for the purposes of entertainment. No income had been made.

Warnings: AU and AT, not completely beta read, WIP, first attempt at fan fiction, slash in later chapters.

Spoilers: Everything, including the kitchen sink.

Summary: Marcus becomes the target of a diplomatic matchmaker for an alien noble. In a desperate attempt to escape from the matrimonial web being spun around him, Marcus somehow convinces Neroon to help him out. Insanity ensues.

Acknowledgments: I must thank ckl for taking the time to beta read this chapter.

Author's Note: One Earth year equals 0.74 Minbari cycles. The Minbari words and phrases were found at the "JumpNow" website in John Hightower's Minbari dictionary, though not all are direct translations. In order to make this story work, certain characters of B5 join the War Council earlier that in the series, while others that were not involved in the Council are. The roles of aids of the Ambassadors have also been expanded. Hey, I did say this was AU!

Chaperones and Charades

Chapter Ten

Marcus had balked at the plan at first, as had Delenn. Neither was happy with the idea of making an even greater spectacle of themselves than they already were. Delenn also didn't want to do anything to bring "Star Killer" back out. The Priestess had had more than enough experience with her intended's dark side to last her a lifetime! Plus, if things went wrong it would drag a certain to be irate Neroon into what could be an explosive mix. With those two deadly swords hanging over their respective heads, Marcus and Delenn had joined forces and argued rather adamantly against the plan for a time. But in the end, the devilish arguments presented paired along with the cajoling of the rest of their co-conspirators, and the shear diabolical aspect of the revenge had appealed to their vicious inner schemers and they finally agreed to go along with it, with a few minor changes to the plan, of course.

The first step in the plan was one that Marcus had added and insisted on. It was a private call to Neroon to warn the Warrior that mischief was about to be afoot and why. Susan had been the one to insist on the explanation part of the call after the change to her original plan, explaining that there was no way that Neroon would stay out of it if he didn't know why they were about to pull this stunt. Marcus had whole-heartedly agreed with her. The Ranger had gotten to know the Warrior during his "lounge holiday" and knew better than to think that they could get away with "But it was just innocent fun." or "Now how were supposed to know they were going to react that way? We just wanted to watch the exhibition!" if Susan's little "can't go wrong" plan turned out to be a Charlie Foxtrot. (The poor Ranger had almost died of embarrassment after having to explain to his Entil'Zha what that old Earth military call sign was a euphuism for, as well as what the actual term meant!) Marcus had also used the call to tell Neroon that he had been promoted.

The Shai Alyt had been in the middle of his midday meal and trying to meditate away some of his frustration with the more recalcitrant Alyts and War Leaders of the Caste when he'd gotten the call. The poor Warrior had seen his all his efforts evaporate with that rather unwelcome little heads up. Neroon had groaned in dread at what the group was planning once he heard it. His mind's eye could easily picture Sheridan's alter ego going on a rampage if things went south, as the Humans said. Neroon also knew better than to try and stop them. As the saying went, he was out manned, out gunned, and out numbered in this fight.

Marcus he could possibly reason with, one Warrior to another. Delenn he could blackmail. There many stories of their collective youth that he was sure the Priestess did NOT want Sheridan to hear. But he had absolutely no leverage with Ivanova, Lyta, and Na'Toth. He knew he'd get nowhere with them in the mix; especially since Ivanova seemed to be pushing the issue. He'd also seen the Commander in action and he did NOT want to be her next target! As for Lyta, somehow taking on the allegedly most powerful telepath in known space and her ex-PsiCop lover (after the cascade mind-link, Neroon became positive that Lyta and Byron were always linked) just didn't appeal. Then there was the little matter of her employer. And, for that matter, Narns never ever fought alone either.

After beating down the combined dread Susan's little plan and the fleeting thought of confronting the "Fab Five" over this latest insanity had caused within him, Neroon kick-started his analytical brain and did what he could to minimize the fallout should there be any. He resolved to call one of his most trusted aides and have him run interference if needed. The Warrior also made a mental note to inform Sheridan that Ivanova (he was sure the Captain would take better if he thought his XO was almost solely responsible for the "situation") was planning a bit vengeance against some EarthForce personnel on behalf of his oh so horribly maligned ma'fela (Neroon winced internally when he realized that he'd sunk so low as to play the sympathy card!) as soon as he was done speaking with his new friend.

The Shai Alyt then told Marcus to be very careful since some Warriors from other Clans might be at the exhibition and would react very badly to seeing the ma'fela of their Shai Alyt acting "lasciviously" and/or being approached "inappropriately". The Star Riders he wasn't so worried about. Neroon had been able to make a pronouncement about his "relationship" with the Anla'shok to his Clan. He'd explained that his ma'fela was still rather innocent in regards to sexuality, lovers and the proper behavior of such couples. Neroon also explained that humans were more relaxed in such matters, thus making the transition for Marcus even more confusing. Finally, he'd asked - read ordered - his Clan to have a bit of patience with his "naïve young lover".

After his admonishment of Marcus to be careful, Neroon had lowered his voice as he spoke to Marcus, switched to Lenn'ah and then asked the Ranger to make sure that Delenn didn't do anything stupid. The Warrior had absolutely no trust in the Priestess to behave herself as befit her station is that sea of Warriors – Human or otherwise – especially with Ivanova around to egg her on. Neroon told Marcus to keep as tight a leash on the Entil'Zha as possible since they really didn't need to anger Sheridan again! Also, as Delenn's now official Combat Second as well as her Protector (Marcus had been a bit surprised to hear that his new position also implied that standing), it was Marcus's job to see that she was protected, even from herself.

Privately, Neroon still believed that the Priestess was easily led. Thus far, she hadn't done anything to dispel that notion either. Now he was starting to believe that Susan and Lyta were very, very bad influences on her, just as Mayan had been when they were young. The Warrior had shaken his head in wonder.

How in the universe did Delenn always find the one or two beings around that were sure to bring out her most chaotic side?" he had thought to himself.

The Warrior had groaned at the memories of the pranks and mischief those two hoydens of his youth had been responsible for before Duhkat and Bramner had finally taken them in hand at the temple school. By Valen, he'd truly pitied the poor Priests! Neroon smirked to himself. He'd always privately thought that Bramner had joined the Warrior Caste not because the calling of his heart had changed, but because he'd needed to escape those twin terrors with his sanity intact! Marcus had brought him out of his trip down memory lane and assured him he'd be on his guard as well as keeping up his performance of the – ahem – "innocent little Ranger" who just didn't know what kind of effect he had on other beings. This of course caused a general round of heckling from the ladies.

Neroon snorted at that statement and what he could hear of the group's antics, then switched topics in order to congratulate his new friend on his promotion. After working up the courage needed in order to broach the subject in front of the, in his opinion, slightly insane group, the Warrior pensively asked what a human lover would do to celebrate such an auspicious occasion with their partner. Susan had chimed in with "Fuck 'em senseless!" from the background when she heard the question, causing the Shai Alyt to choke on his tea. After the giggling from the human ladies and Na'Toth, the lecturing on decorum by a mischievously smiling Delenn and the choking and blushing from Marcus were over, Marcus had answered that humans usually either planned a celebratory dinner either at home or out for such things.

Since it was such short notice, Neroon said they would go out. A proper celebratory Warrior Caste feast took an entire Standard day to prepare and they did not have time for something of that magnitude. When Marcus had tried to protest, Neroon cut him off by reminding him that after all, they had a ruse to keep up; and Neroon NOT treating Marcus to a celebration at such a time WOULD be noticed! When Marcus grudgingly grumbled out his agreement, the Warrior asked what type of establishment would be best for such an auspicious occasion.

Delenn had smirked to herself and named the place that John had taken her for their first date. As much as she and Neroon were now allies, Neroon was still not one of her favorite beings. The Priestess still liked the idea of "getting one over" on the Warrior, as Michael always said. Delenn really wished she could be the gok hiding in the corner when Neroon was stuck with that check!

Neroon had warily thanked the Priestess for the suggestion. Neroon had a LONG memory and knew that she was setting him up for something just by the inflection of her voice. The Warrior made a mental note to have the restaurant researched by an aide, as well as ask after it when he spoke to Sheridan. With a final admonishment to his supposed lover to be careful and a reminder that they would meet up at the martial arts exhibition, Neroon had signed off on the call. He had then immediately called in his most trusted aides in order to speak with them in regards to making the arrangements for the dinner - and everything else.

Finally, as Neroon gathered the courage to call Sheridan and inform him of what the "Fab Five" were up too, the ladies of the group in question had been laughing over a rather diabolically evil impersonation of Neroon done by Delenn. Marcus had sighed, rolled his and come to the conclusion that his new position would be more dangerous to his sanity than anything he'd done in the field. He made a mental note to talk to Lennier and find out just how the poor monk had survived his post with his sanity intact for so long!

Of course, the end of the call and subsequent laughter at Neroon's expense had led to the next step in the plan. This stage had involved shopping for the, ah, "proper" outfit for Marcus to wear to the exhibition. The Ranger had NOT been pleased with Lyta and Susan's first choice of clothing shop. Marcus had adamantly refused to even try on any outfits from that so-called "clothing establishment", saying that he refused to go out in public looking like a "two credit hustler on the prowl for tricks". After having to have what that statement meant explained to her, the Priestess backed her Ranger one hundred percent, stating that Marcus looking like a street prostitute while NOT undercover (and this statement had led the other ladies to wonder at just what kind of assignments their virgin Ranger had pulled) not only reflected badly on her, but also on Neroon, and did they want to take on THAT maddened and feral gok along with his entire pride, namely the entire Warrior Caste?

After everyone had agreed that that wouldn't be a very bright idea ("About as bright as a black hole minus the accretion disc." were Lyta's exact words.), the first shop was nixed and the search for another began. After much bickering between the humans in the group (this process of course had been highly amusing to the Minbari and Narn watching), they'd finally agreed on another more refined, not to mention more expensive, men's clothier. It was in that establishment the intrepid Ranger found himself in yet another pitched battle against Susan, Lyta, and at times Delenn and Na'Toth as well.

"No," Marcus ground at yet another "interesting" ensemble.

Lyta huffed in annoyance. "And just what is wrong with this one?" she got past gritted teeth while the rest of the group shot Marcus annoyed looks.

Marcus groaned, ran his hand through his hair while breathing deeply, and then after having gone through an entire calming mantra, answered, "Ladies, as much as I love you all as sisters, I can't agree with ant of these outfits. Na'Toth, the styles you keep picking out are rather severe, and well, monochromatic – not that there's anything wrong with black. Anyway, they'd be good for a Security consultant while on duty, but not for me for after hours. Entil'Zha, to put it simply, I just can't afford your taste; you bloody well know I'm not in the same pay bracket as your intended. And as for you two; Susan, Lyta, you two are picking out bloody good outfits for a high class rent boy!"

"Rent boy?" asked Na'Toth.

"Step up from hustler," explained Marcus. He'd rapidly lost his modesty in explaining risqué terms to this group after the earlier "Charlie Foxtrot" incident.

"Ah, a courtesan," replied Delenn while Na'Toth nodded her understanding.

"Close enough," added Susan, then she went back to the topic at hand. "All right, if what we're picking out what in your opinion looks good on a rent boy, then what about what Delenn picked out the last time? It's sharp and on sale to boot."

"Office wear," Marcus said with a decisive nod.

There was a collective groan from the ladies. "Office wear?! Come on Marcus, this last one is classy as all get out! Its damn well GQ! And you know it!" Susan practically yelled out.

Marcus took a surreptitious look at the audience of store clerks that was gathering and figured it would be a VERY good idea to get back into character. With a little tilt of his head and very slight nod toward the eavesdropping clerks that were picked up by the rest of the group, he sighed, practically flopped back into his chair, raised doleful eyes to the entire audience, and in a almost broken voice said, "Susan, please. I'm not the CEO of a mining corporation anymore. And wearing something like that, even seeing it, brings back too many painful memories. Please, I just want to pick out something nice and simple for dinner tonight."

He conveniently left out the part that he'd be making an appearance at the exhibition in the outfit as well. There was no need to let THAT particular cat out of the bag. They didn't want to give the EF rats any possibility of a heads up.

At that statement, the ladies all pasted sympathetic looks on their faces and went into the "consoling big sister" routine. After a bit of fussing by the ladies and a lost puppy impersonation by Marcus, Susan said. "Of course, bratko. Of course you do. And I'm sure you want to look dashing for that big Warrior of yours too."

Marcus was able to pull off a convincing blush as he lowered his eyes at that statement. The two female clerks on staff sighed at that little display. Finally, after collecting herself, the elder of the pair gathered the courage to approach the rather daunting group and offered her assistance.

"Ladies, Ranger Cole, I couldn't help but overhear your discussion. I'm Marion, the head clerk. Perhaps if you could give us an idea of what type of function you will be attending, I and my staff could be of some help to you, Ranger Cole?" she asked in a kindly voice.

Marcus blushed again, ducked his head, and convincingly stuttered out, "Oh, it's not a formal function, Marion, it's just dinner."

Delenn smiled this rather motherly smile then and added, "Oh, Marcus." for good measure. Then she turned and told the clerk, "Marcus has just been promoted within the Anla'Shok and the Shai Alyt wishes to officially escort his ma'fela to evening meal in celebration. I believe that that Neroon mentioned something about Chez Luis during our last discussion." The Priestess finished with an innocent expression.

After Delenn told the clerk where Neroon was taking Marcus for the celebratory dinner, the eavesdropping clerks, both male and female, let out a collective little gasp of envy. One was even heard muttering, "Must be nice; landing a rich bastard like that." which had Marcus flushing in real embarrassment. The head clerk shot her staff a disapproving look, which quickly shut them up, and then smiled a kindly smile at the "oh so adorably naive" Ranger while apologizing for her staff's rudeness. After that, she went to work.

Head Clerk Marion marshaled her staff as well as any front line combat officer that Marcus had ever seen and quickly began compiling ensembles that were chic and moderately priced, well, at least moderately priced for that shop. Within twenty minutes, Marcus had about a dozen outfits to try on. The Ranger then took the choices to a fitting room and began the laborious task of trying on all the outfits. He came out for the ladies' opinions only with the ones that made it on his possibility list. The annoyingly frustrating process was taking way too long in his opinion as it was; he wasn't going to add to it by parading around like some bloody runway model!

Finally, after trying on all the ensembles, and not really being completely happy with any of them, Marcus began to mix and match the separates. After having to meditate away the growing frustration, almost putting in a call to Djana for help, and reaching his fifteenth try in growing despair, he finally came up with something that fit all his criteria. Marcus looked at himself in the mirror, nodded at the reflection, and breathed a sigh of relief that the ordeal was over at last.

Marcus had approached compiling this outfit together as he would any outfit for an undercover EFI and/or Ranger assignment. The Ranger needed something that would help him immerse himself into the psyche of who he was supposed to be while "undercover". He wanted something that fit the "character" he was portraying. He needed something that was both "demure" – if that word could ever be applied to a man that knew over two hundred ways to end a life with just his bare hands, and had already used most of them – as well as sensual. He needed something that could be perceived as "innocent" as well as teasing by his audience. He needed something that was both conservative and dangerous at the same time. He needed something that he could both intimidate his audience with as well as entice them. And he needed it to not break his bank account. In other words, he was looking for the almost impossible, but as Jeff and Jesus had smiled on him, the Ranger finally struck gold.

After fixing his hair and trying out a few facial expressions for his portrayal in the mirror, the Ranger came out of the dressing room to get the ladies' opinions of his final creation. He walked out into the shop with a hesitant step that an "emotionally injured, insecure and shy Marcus" would have. When he reached the group, Marcus lightly cleared his throat to get their attention.

Marcus dropped his eyes in an embarrassed manor as both the staff and his co-conspirators turned their attention onto him. The Ranger then fully immersed himself into this other persona and asked in a very convincing soft and shy voice, "Um, do you girls think that Neroon would like this?"