Chapter 11: St. Kurt the Incarcerated

"Let me outta this damn thing."
One after another, the very cramped occupants of the Velocity tumbled out and stretched sore limbs. The rooftop around them still smouldered slightly, not quite extinguished from the downdraft of the Blackbird, parked one rooftop over.
"Well, here we are," said Scott. "Now where the hell are Thing One and Thing Two?"
"Anywhere but the Vatican, if we're lucky," the Professor said. "I suggest we spread out and look for any signs of them."
"Or we could just ask," Jubilee suggested.
"Ask who?"
She pointed. "Those guys."

As one the group turned to see a squadron of Italian soldiers pouring onto the rooftop, aiming weapons at the mutants.
"Aw hell," said Logan.
The Professor wheeled his chair forwards, one hand raised in supplication. "I'm sorry for any difficulty," he called. "We're merely trying to catch the young men who hijacked the jet parked over there. We've been chasing them for the last few hours."
For the most part, the soldiers didn't react at all. The lone exception was one man who stepped forward, eyes narrowed. "You are with those two who arrived in that plane, si?"
"Yes, that's correct."
"I will see your identification."
Bobby's head snapped up, eyes shining. The Professor looked at the soldier for a long moment and then sighed.
"Say it," whispered Bobby.
"You…" the Professor shook his head. "You don't… need to see our identification."
Bobby clasped his hands together and bounced on his heels. "This is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened," he hissed to Jean. Jean swatted him upside the head.
The soldier blinked once; then he shouldered his weapon, saluted, and turned to bark some orders at his men, who stood down with confused looks on their faces.
"So now what?" Kitty wanted to know. "I mean, they don't want to kill us, so, yay, but what happens now?"
Logan snorted and stepped forward, engaging one of the soldiers in fluent Italian.
"He speaks Italian now?" Jubilee asked Ororo. She raised an eyebrow.
"Apparently."
After only a moment, Logan turned back to the others, rubbing his forehead with one hand.
"Did you find out where they are?" Scott asked.
"Oh, yeah," Logan said.
"So…" Rogue raised one hand. "…where are they?"
"Those two? Hell, where do you think they'd wind up?"

----

"I've seen this on TV, you know!" Warren shouted through the bars. "I'm supposed to get a phone call! I want to call my dad and get a lawyer!"
"They're ignoring us, Warren," Kurt said from behind him, slurring his words only slightly. "There's no point being loud."
"Shut up," Warren growled back. "You are the last person in the world who I want advice from right now."
Kurt sat up on the bed and frowned. "Now, that's just rude."
"You got us into this mess!"
"You helped!"
Warren whirled around. "No, I didn't help! You kidnapped me and forced me to come along with you!"
Kurt flopped back down on the bed. "Don't be so verdammt negative, man. The plan's working."
"We're in prison! How is this part of any plan and how is it working?"
"If I'm in prison," Kurt pointed out, "I'm not likely to be made a Saint. Am I?"
Warren tugged at his hair with both hands. "At this point, Kurt, I'm convinced that you're the absolute last person in the world who should be made a Saint. But all I care about right now is getting out of here."
"Oh," said Kurt. "Then you can talk to them."
Warren blinked. "Who?"
"Hi there," said Scott from outside the cell.

"Why are you covered in food?" Rogue wanted to know. Warren looked exasperated.
"Because this genius decided to go to a restaurant to ask for directions to the Vatican. Without his hologram on. And by destroying the place in the process."
"Yeah, I get why he's covered in food," she said. "But how come you are?"
Warren's shoulders sagged. "…because I got in the way trying to help."
"You really don't look like you're having a good day," Jubilee noted.
"Gee, you think?"
"The Professor's trying to negotiate with the police," Scott reported. "Hopefully he can get the two of you out of here…"
"Unfortunately not, actually," the Professor said, wheeling his way in. "I was able to get bail for Warren, but this is potentially an international incident. The authorities are not at all pleased with us."
Logan looked surprised. "You couldn't talk 'em into lettin' the Elf loose?"
The Professor ducked his head slightly. "Of course I could," he whispered, "but right at the moment, this is probably the best place for Kurt. At least he's staying put."
"No whispering," Kurt called.
"Sorry, Kurt," the Professor said hurriedly. "I was only saying that things aren't looking good."
"Ah."
"Anyway. I thought that if we split up, it might be a good idea."
"Yeah," said Kitty. "We can do more damage that way."
"Ororo, if you and Jean were to come with me, I think it'd be best if we went to the Vatican ourselves." He scratched his neck, looking uncomfortable. "It really is time we tried to work things out. Logan, if you please, take Warren and find a motel room so he can get cleaned up."
"I'm coming too," said Kitty. "God, I need a shower."
"Seconded," said Jubilee.
"Me also," Bobby agreed.
"What about us?" Rogue wanted to know. The Professor nodded.
"I was hoping you and Scott, or at least one of you, would be willing to stay here and keep an eye on Kurt," he said. "A little supervision wouldn't go amiss, I think."
"We can be cellmates!" Kurt said excitedly. Scott and Rogue looked at him.
"I call not bein' first watch," Rogue said.
Scott hung his head. "Alright, but you're getting me a coffee. A big one."

----

"Professor Xavier?"
Just over half an hour from their departure from the holding cells, the trio of mutants turned to see a short man in a red cassock walking toward them from an office not far away.
"That would be me," the Professor said, extending one hand. "How do you do?"
"Very well, thank you," said the man in a rich but cheerful accent, taking the offered hand. "I am the Cardinal Michael Bellstrauss. It is a pleasure to meet you."
"And the same to you. This is my associate, Ororo Monroe, and one of our students, Jean Grey."
"Hello there," Ororo said with a slight bow.
"Nice to meet you," Jean chimed in.
Bellstrauss smiled at them in greeting, then returned his attention to the Professor. "Professor Xavier, if what I have been told is true, you are a friend and confidant of Mr. Kurt Wagner, no?"
"That's correct," the Professor agreed. "Kurt is one of the pupils taught by myself and Ms. Monroe, and is a fellow student of Jean's."
"We're good friends," Jean added.
"Excellent," Bellstrauss nodded. "Then perhaps you might be able to confirm or deny what, as you say, a little bird has told me?"
Ororo's expression became guarded. "And that would be…?"
"That Mr. Wagner is currently being held by the Polizia here in the City of the Vatican for an impressive list of transgressions against the beautiful city and its people."

The Professor coughed slightly. "Er, well, yes. You see, I'm afraid there's been a bit of a misunderstanding here."
Bellstrauss looked faintly amused. "A misunderstanding?"
"Yes, indeed." The Professor smiled weakly. "You must understand, sir, that this has been a time of great stress for Kurt. He received the nomination for Canonization without his knowledge or consent, and protested it from the moment he learned of it. Since then his social and private life has been horribly disrupted, there has been a public attempt on his life, his movements are watched by numerous parties, not all of whom have noble intentions, and the pressure on him has been enormous."
"Exactly," Ororo agreed. "It drove him to the point where he decided to come to the Vatican to plead his case. Unfortunately he didn't quite plan his actions out properly, which led to this… well…"
"I believe 'fiasco' would be an appropriate word here," Bellstrauss supplied helpfully.
"…yes."
"Excellent," Bellstrauss nodded. "I am glad to have that part cleared up. Now, as to the rumour that Mr. Wagner was, in fact, both intoxicated and piloting an unregistered combat-capable aircraft during this fiasco?"
The mutants looked at one another.
"Um," said Jean.
"Please, please." The cardinal raised his hands, smiling. "I myself know how children can be, I am an Uncle many times over. Come." He turned. "We shall discuss this in my office, in greater comfort, no?"
With a nervous look between them, the mutants slowly followed.

----

Scott leaned back against the wall, eyes closed. Even in the Velocity, the trip to Italy had been uncomfortably long, particularly in the cramped conditions of the over-crowded aircraft. Now he was tired, still stretching the cramps out of his muscles, and more than a little grouchy with Kurt for the chaos he'd caused.
Kurt, for his part, had been rambling incessantly and with increasing incoherency for the past ten minutes; now that he'd trailed off, Scott was more than happy to let his exhausted body relax to the sounds of someone playing the harmonica.
Then he remembered that Kurt was the only prisoner in the holding cells, and sat bolt upright.
Kurt grinned at him. "Guten Morgen."
Scott looked around. "Did you… where was that music coming from?"
The elf brandished a mouth organ and made a face at it. "Me, I'm sorry. I've been practicing but I'm not very good."
Scott stared. "Where did you…"
"I sold it at a shop," Kurt said cheerfully, holding his new toy up to the light.
"Bought," Scott said. "You bought it, not sold it."
"Ja, bought, that's what I said."
"No you didn't-"
"Shush." Kurt raised the instrument again. "I need to practice."
"But you… you can't…" Scott shook his head. "Alright, one thing at a time. Why do you need to practice the harmonica?"
Kurt looked at him as if he'd grown a second head. "Because I'm in jail, naturlich. That's what people do in jail. Haven't you seen any movies?"
Scott tried to work his mind around that one and failed. "Alright, let's try another question. Where did you get it?"
"I just told you, dummkopf, I went out and bought it."
"…I know that, I asked where."
"Souvenir shop down the street."
"When?"
Kurt appeared to think about this. "Around… three minutes ago?"
"Three minutes ago," Scott repeated flatly. "You bought it three minutes ago."
"Ja."
"Meaning that you teleported out of this jail, went down the street, walked into a souvenir shop, bought a musical instrument, and came back."
Kurt cocked his head. "Scott, are you alright?"
"No, I'm not!" Scott stood up and walked over to the bars. "Kurt, you can't just go shopping. You're in jail!"
"Of course I am," Kurt agreed. "So it's not like I'm going to get in any more trouble, is it?"
"Yes it is, you stupid…"
"Relax, Scott," Kurt said dismissively. "I had my inducer, I was only a couple of minutes, there's no problem. It was easy."
"That's not the point!" Scott exploded. "You're in here for a reason! You can't just pop in and out whenever you want! You're supposed to stay put, so I can keep an eye on you, while the others try to sort out the mess you created, and that means you can't be coming and going as you please!"
Kurt beamed suddenly. "I know what'd cheer you up," he said. "I'll get you one as well!"
"No, damn it!" Scott tugged at his hair with both hands. "Kurt, try to get it into that thick skull of yours. What you've done could have enormous consequences. You can't just fly a fighter jet into another country because you're drunk and bored."
"I'll get you a red one," Kurt decided, "to match your shades."
"You have to stay put," Scott went on. "If you make things any worse than they are, it could be a disaster! You'll be an international criminal, and not even the Professor can make that go away. You'll make mutants everywhere look bad. You'll get yourself in huge amounts of trouble, and us with you! You have to start acting responsibly!
"Maybe one with sparkles," Kurt said. "I'll see what the shop has, ne?"
"Kurt, don't you dare…"

Whatever Scott had been going to say trailed off; instead he collapsed back in his seat, fuming uselessly, as Kurt vanished in an explosion of smoke.

----

"I feel refreshed," Kitty announced, tying her still-damp hair back into a ponytail. "About a million times better."
"I feel bored," Bobby answered. "There's nothing to do here."
"That's a good thing," Warren informed him. "You want to go play with the Blue Meanie a little? Trust me, peace and quiet is a relief after that."
"Believe me," Jubilee said, "the last thing Bobby would want to do is go play with Kurt. Everything that's wrong with Kurt right now? His fault."
"Not everything," Bobby protested.
"Everything that got us sent to Italy," she corrected herself.
"And yet nobody's thanking me for organizing the vacation…"
"I didn't want the freaking vacation," Warren reminded him. "I got kidnapped by a drunken blue maniac and was arrested for trying to stop him getting beaten to death by a restaurant full of angry people."
"It'll be one hell of a story to tell your kids," Bobby pointed out.
"So will the story about how I strangled that one guy to death in a motel in Italy."
"You strangled a guy to death?"
"Keep talking and I will have."
At that point, Logan came in. "Save it. Elf's called dibs on 'im, so you can't kill 'im until he's had his shot."
Bobby looked more apprehensive than comforted by this thought; Warren didn't even pause. "And who's got dibs on Kurt?"
"That would be his girlfriend," Jubilee said helpfully.
"Yeah," Kitty agreed. "It's a lady's prerogative. Amanda has first dibs on killing her boyfriend at all times."
Warren blinked. "See, this is why I don't date New York girls."
"We're not from New York," Jubilee pointed out.
"I think he meant the state, not the city," Bobby put in.
"We're still not originally from New York State," Kitty reminded him. "And I don't think Amanda is, either."
"Fine," Warren said. "This is why I don't date you."
Jubilee snorted. "Oh, like you had a shot. Just 'cause you're rich and handsome and educated and smooth and an angel and…"
Jubilee trailed off; everyone looked at her.
"…yeah, I got nothin'."

Logan cleared his throat. "Not that this ain't fascinatin'," he drawled, "but we gotta move. Somebody's gotta change shifts watchin' the Elf, an' Chuck wanted Wings here to head to the Vatican once he got cleaned up."
Warren looked annoyed. "Wait a minute. I'm sick of being taken for rides and then used. I'm not going anywhere until someone gives me a good reason."
Logan raised his eyebrows. "'Cause Chuck reckons havin' an angel backin' up his argument can't hurt the cause."
"That's what Kurt said," Warren pointed out. "It sounds like you're using his logic, and I'm not exactly a fan of his logic right now."
"What?" Bobby feigned surprise. "You don't like the logic of a drunk, unhinged, hysterical demonic mutant being made into a Saint against his will?"
"Don't be cute with me," Warren warned him. "This whole thing is your fault. Kurt hay have dibs, but I swear to God if you don't shut up I will help him dismember you."
There was a pause.
"Dismember is a cool word," Jubilee said at last.
"Doesn't get enough use," Kitty agreed.
Bobby raised his hand. "Can I get a definition, please?"
"Use your thesaurus," Kitty said.
"I have been, but I'm not up to the letter T yet."
"He's gonna turn you into kibble," Logan clarified.
"Nice analogy," Warren said.
"I don't want to be kibbled," Bobby decided. "I want to still be… unkibbled."
"That's not a word," Kitty told him.
"It should be. It's expressive."
"He's got you there," Jubilee agreed.
Warren looked at Logan. "If I agree to help you, you have to give me full kibbling rights on whoever's pissed me off most when this is all over."
Logan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Stop using that word."
"Which one?" Jubilee wanted to know. "Kibble?"
"You said it first," Bobby accused him.
Logan turned to Warren. "Right now you could kill anyone here, me included, an' it'd only make me happier."
"What'd I do?" Kitty demanded.
"So we have a deal?" Warren persisted, ignoring Kitty.
"For all I care you can run the Popsicle through a goddamn sieve," he growled. "Just so long as everyone shuts up and gets moving."
"That's a yes," Jubilee translated.
Warren clapped his hands together and flexed his wings. "Great. Let's go."

As they wandered toward the door, Jubilee looked speculative. "You think Scott and Rogue are doing okay?"
"They're just keeping Kurt company while he's locked up," Kitty pointed out. "How bad could they be doing?"

----

Rogue spent some time looking at the scene before she said anything.
"…Scott?"
Scott looked up from his current pastime, which was tapping a red harmonica sullenly against his knee and glaring into Kurt's cell. "Rogue. Tell me you brought coffee."
She handed him his cup, still looking into the cell. "What it God's name…"
"Kurt decided it needed decorating," Scott said bitterly.
Rogue nodded dumbly, still taking it in. Party ribbons were twined around the bars and hanging from any available fixture; pages torn from magazines plastered the walls; an enormous pile of books dominated one corner of the cell; and most inexplicable of all, a large potted aspidistra(4), decorated with Christmas lights, was positioned in the center of the floor.
"Nice pot plant," Rogue finally said.
"It's named Bernard," Scott informed her. "Four minutes ago he was, according to Kurt, being held prisoner in an office building. Kurt's his saviour, or something."
"But… why…"
"I don't know," Scott groaned. "Every time I tell Kurt to stop he says it's part of some big plan and ignores me. And then every time he reappears he's got something new."
Rogue shook her head helplessly. "So where's…"

At that precise moment Kurt reappeared in an explosion of smoke. He held an enormous sandwich in one hand, a large wine bottle in the other, and he cackled wildly as he flopped down on the bunk.
"Rogue!" he shouted merrily. "Wie gehts dir, meine Schwester?"
"God damn it, Kurt!" Scott exploded. "You promised you'd stop doing that after the last time!"
Kurt gestured with the wine bottle and took a gigantic bite of his sandwich. "Ig warg hunnaf."
"…what?"
Raising the bottle to his lips, Kurt washed his mouthful down with a mighty swig of wine. "I was hungry," he repeated. "Don't be grouchy."
Rogue pointed at Kurt. "How the hell is he still drinking?" she asked. "Shouldn't he be dead of alcohol poisoning by now?"
Kurt raised his arms above his head in a victory gesture. "I am invisible!"
Scott and Rogue looked at each other. "Invincible," they corrected him in unison. Kurt burst out laughing for no apparent reason, stuffed another huge bite of sandwich into his mouth, and flopped back down on the bunk again.
"Kurt," Scott said in a pleading tone. "Are you going to stop now? You redecorated, you rescued Bernard, you got some food and drink, and now Rogue's here with me to keep you company, so that's it, right? You're going to stay put?"
Kurt eyed him suspiciously. "Are you giving me another order?" he asked.
Rogue saw where Kurt's mind was going and blanched. "No, no," she cut in. "Just… y'know, askin'. So we don't get in trouble."
"Right," Scott said, desperately seizing hold of this new argument. "The Professor asked us to keep an eye on you, remember? If you run off he'll be mad at us."
Kurt looked like he was wavering; Rogue put on her best 'good girl' face. "Kurt… bro… please?"
The Elf rolled his eyes. "Fein," he said, raising his hands. "I solemnly swear not to teleport out of jail again. Happy?"
"Delirious," Scott said flatly.

Having established this, Rogue and Scott relaxed back into their chairs as Kurt resumed his noisy feasting.
"How long you think he'll stay put?" Rogue asked quietly.
Scott made a face. "Until he gets bored again," Scott said. "So we've gotta keep him distracted until the Professor gets back. I don't think he's forgotten about going to the Vatican."
"No whispering," Kurt called.
"Sorry, sorry." Scott sat up straighter. "I was just saying that… uh, I hope you don't… um, do that again…?"
Rogue stared at him. "What?" she hissed.
"Shut up," Scott hissed back. "It rhymes with Vatican, it's the best I could do."
"I said no whispering!" Kurt sat up, frowned, and cocked his head. "Do what again?"
"Um… leave jail?" Scott said weakly. Kurt blinked.
"Of course I won't. Didn't I just swear that?"
"Technically you only promised not to teleport," Rogue pointed out.
"Well, ja, but look around." Kurt gestured with his half-eaten sandwich. "How the hell do I get out if I can't teleport? Unless you open the door or break down the wall, I'm locked in."
Scott managed to look relieved. "Well, that's something. I mean, the police aren't going to unlock the door any time soon, and nobody's going to smash the wall in…"
Abruptly a blow struck the other side of Kurt's wall that shook the entire building, and a loud crashing sound coincided with a big crack appearing in the brickwork.
"Oh for Christ's sake," Scott said, "does every damn thing I say have to tempt fate?"
The building shook again a second blow struck, enlarging the crack; and with a third blow, the wall exploded into the cell, sending rubble flying everywhere. In its place, silhouetted in the dust, was a large human shape.
"Come in," Kurt called.
In response, the figure stepped forward, out of the dust and into the light.
"Thank you," said Colossus, "we will."

----------

(4) This one's for you, 'Nutter.