"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives, puts itself in our hands and hopes we learned something from yesterday."

I had been wandering aimlessly down streets in a town I had forgotten the name of for about half an hour or so and the weight that I felt pulling me down had yet to be lifted, even just slightly. I shoved my hands in my pockets, sighing out in pure frustration. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I couldn't take back what I had done, what I had said and I was straining to figure out how to make Jay understand why I had acted the way I had. I wasn't even sure I understood completely.

I knew I had to apologize, but I didn't know what for. Should I have apologized for not telling him that one of our buddies was trying to set me up on a date with his sister? Should I have been apologizing for not being forthright about our relationship? Or should I have been apologizing for what I felt the most guilt about now, the fact that I couldn't look Jay in the eye and tell him I loved him with as much meaning as he could tell me?

I couldn't figure it out, so I kept walking. I came to a department store display window and stopped, something catching my eye. The only thing I could see when I looked into the glass was my own face staring back at me. I looked broken, lost. I was.

Jay had told me that I was selfish, that I only loved myself. I understood that in his eyes that was a correct portrayal of me. I knew better though. I knew that the only reason I had lied was to protect Jay. I slightly lied when Jay told me he loved me and I returned the sentiment because I feared hurting him, possibly even losing him if I didn't. So I told him, every time, because I knew I had to.

What if I didn't? He would be hurt, our relationship would fall apart, our friendship would most likely be no more...and that was the last thing I wanted to have happen. I needed Jay. I leaned on him so much, for so many different things just to get me through the day. The thought of not having him right there with me made that knot that had grown in my stomach yesterday tighten a little more. It confused me more than anything else, that knot. I wasn't sure where it had come from or how to get rid of it.

It wasn't like I was heartless. I cared about Jay deeply. I thought of him constantly, missed him on the occasions when we were apart, and basked in the rare, quiet moments of solace we got to spend together while out on the road. Was I selfish? Usually, in my own ways, yes. But it was all for the best, at least the way I saw it.

One of the things that was weighing most heavily on my mind from last night was what Jay had said when I tried to kiss him. " This is something that you won't be able to fix by using your body." He said it as if he knew that the physical meant more to me than the emotional, that he had somehow figured me out and wanted to throw it in my face. Was I that bad at hiding things?

I wondered what my face looked like to Jay when I told him I loved him? I knew all to well the look that would grace his own. His face would always get this warm glow across it. Sometimes he would have this sweet, almost smug look plastered on his lips as he smiled at me. No matter what the smile or the look in his eyes, though, Jay always had an expression of satisfaction on his face when he told me those three words. It was as if he was glad he had me, that he had finally gotten me after all this time and that I was his, and he knew it.

I was exasperated and had grown tired of walking. I picked out a bench on the street I had walked down and sat, sighing once more. I loved Jay and I couldn't just let him be angry with me, but I didn't know how in the bloody hell I was supposed to fix this. I knew that sitting here on this bench wasn't going to get me anywhere. I headed back in the direction I had came from, hoping that I hadn't turned down one too many streets to easily find my way back.

It was late when I came back to our room, a little past midnight. Jay was asleep, luckily for me facing towards the door. I came in as quietly as I could, not wanting to wake Jay up right away. I kicked off my shoes and climbed gently into the bed beside him. My best friend. My lover. The biggest part of my life. Him not speaking to me for only a day had managed to turn me inside out. I couldn't think of what it would feel like if this relationship we were sharing were to end. I didn't want to know. I had to repair the damage I had done, whatever it took. I couldn't be without Jay, I needed him. I may not have needed him the way that he needed me, but all in all the principle was basically the same. I didn't want to hurt him.

I settled myself in, propping myself up on my elbow and looking down at him. He was still asleep, his lips tightly closed together, his face firmly planted against the pillow. I smiled as I watched him sleeping. He was beautiful, Jay was. I didn't know why I hadn't noticed it sooner, I guess it just had never crossed my mind until a few years ago.

I wrapped my arm around Jay's torso underneath the sheets, waking him from is slumber. "Adam?" he said softly as he slowly turned over to look at me. I smiled at him still. I just wanted everything to be alright, though I didn't quite know how to make it so.

"I'm sorry, Jay." I said as I reached out to sweep the few stray hairs away that had fallen over his forehead while he had slept. "I'm sorry that I made you so angry, and I'm sorry if I offended you, hurt you. That wasn't my intention. I can't take this, I can't stand you ignoring me and not talking to me. I can't live that way with you." I told him. He looked as though he was still half asleep, laying there beside me. "I don't know what else to say. I know that I said some things that you didn't agree with, but like I said, I had my reasons." I finished.

"I just don't understand them." Jay said softly as he perked his head up slightly. He took his arm out from under his head and tucked it underneath my shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me that Sean was asking you to go on a date with his sister?"

"I didn't think it was that important. I tell him no every time he asks, Jay. Christ, the only person I want to be sharing a bed with is you. You act like you think I'm going to say yes. I wouldn't do that." I said, stroking his cheek with my hand.

"If you didn't tell me about that...then how do I know that there couldn't be other things you're not telling me?" he asked.

I swallowed hard. "Like what?" I asked flatly.

"Anything. You tell me, Adam." he said quietly.

"Jay, I'm not lying to you about anything." I said, pulling him closer to me. "Look, okay...maybe it would have been better if I would have told you. But I didn't, I can't take it back now. It was a mistake, can we just let it go at that? That I was human, I made a mistake?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Jay said, laying his head against my shoulder. "Why is it that you can't admit to anyone that you're with me?" he asked.

There it was, the question I didn't want to have to answer. I had thought of how to answer this several times, never really coming to a decision as to what kind of answer I should have given him. "Jay, I...It has nothing to do with you. I just don't want to have to be on the receiving end of all of the shit that would come with being in a locker room with guys that wouldn't agree with the way you and I carry on a relationship."

"Why does it matter so much to you, what other people think of you?" he asked me.

"I...It...I don't...I don't know." Jay had asked much too deep of a question just then. It had me squirming. It went deeper than just him and I, deeper than the other men we traveled with, worked with. It cut me deeply and I wished not to discuss it at this point with anyone, even myself.

"I just don't want to have to worry, Jay, about getting in a fight or arguing with anyone that should cross our paths that didn't like the way we lived. If the world was a different place, then I would stand on a rooftop and yell out for everyone to hear that I was sleeping with you. But it isn't. The world is an imperfect place, and we have to live in it. So forgive me if I should choose to exclude some of the details of my personal life as a protective measure for not just me, but for you too."

"But if I was a woman, it would be different, right?" he said.

I sighed. Jay was far too strong of a person to be having this conversation with. It didn't help any that the way we both were, we would each want to have the last word. I ignored that last question from Jay and asked one of my own instead of answering. "Why is it so easy for you, why is it you can tell someone you're gay without hesitation? What makes it so simple for you?"

Jay sat up, gathering his hair back up into the rubber band it had fallen out of while he had been sleeping. "It's easy for me, Adam, because I know who I am. I know that I love you. I know that I want to be with you, come what may. I know that you are the most important thing in the world to me. I know that I love you and only you..." he said, pausing as he made a big motion with his arms "...and I don't care if the rest of the world agrees with it or not. I'm not ashamed of how I live my life. I'm happy. I don't need to make the rest of the world happy, Adam. I'm not afraid of conflict. I know who I am. I know what I want. I just don't think you do."he concluded. He was half leaning over me, looking into my eyes.

Gone now was that harsh look that had been in them yesterday and most of today as well. It was now replaced with a look closer to the one that I usually saw when I looked in them. A look of happiness, warmth, comfort. It made me smile. "Jay..." I whispered as I reached out to bring him closer to me. I took great relief in the fact that he didn't resist me. "I do know what I want." I said softly as I brought my lips to his. Jay climbed on top of me as we continued to kiss. His lips were impossibly soft against mine, his tongue hot. "I want you. I love you." I whispered when Jay stopped our kiss. I hugged him tightly to my body, whispering into his shoulder "I'm sorry Jay. I'm sorry for everything. I just want everything to be right, I don't want to lose you."

"Adam..." Jay said sympathetically as he pulled my head away from his shoulder and back so that I faced him. "Adam...you won't lose me." Jay leaned in and kissed me, gently holding the sides of my face in his hands. "Never." he whispered against my lips.