A/N: Hello y'all! Thanks for follows, favorites and reviews!
This is chapter 11, then. References of 4X23- Always, 5X01- After The Storm and 5X02- Cloudy With A Chance Of Murder.

Now, a word. I know many of you have not liked the way Ryan and the Ryan-Espo makeup after 'Always' was treated in the show. I am right there with you. But I have decided to stick to the show as much as possible in this story, so I had to handle the matters somewhat less-angstily and lightly too, for better or worse. Sorry if that makes this...I don't know, bad?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

I have had a busy day. Some orders were due and a group of us graphic designers had to work like maniacs to make it within the deadline. Because of that, I have not had time to check in with Kevin as frequently as I normally do.

When I arrive home at eleven, exhausted but pleased that we were finished within time, I am a little surprised to find the door locked. So Kevin is not home yet.

It is not so unusual. But when I check my phone I see that he has not replied to any of the texts I have been sending him since I got out of office.

Frowning, I call him.

He does not receive.

I call him again.

No reply.

With rising tension, I call him again.

This time he picks up.

'Hello.', his voice sounds very different. Hoarse. Angry. Rough.

'Uh, Kevin?', I ask tentatively. 'What's up?'

'Nothing.', he says.

'Okay…', this is serious, and this is not good, 'Where are you?'

'I…', I wait as he pauses, 'dunno. Some random street.'

'What do you mean?', I am lost, 'You don't know where you are? How did you get there? And it's raining! What are you doing on a street? Kevin, are you okay?'

'I'm fine. I was just taking a walk. Just walking. Yeah. I'm fine.'

Nothing is making any sense. But I instinctively realize asking more questions is not a good idea right now.

'When are you coming home?', I say instead.

'I…', he sighs, and the his voice has lost its hard edge when he says, 'Now. I'm going now.'

Then he hangs up.

I stare at the phone, not sure what just happened.

Maybe someone else can explain.

I call Javier. He does not pick up.

Frowning, I call Kate. She does not receive either.

When I am calling Rick, I already know what is going to happen. And sure enough, it goes straight to voicemail.

Huffing, I throw my phone on the sofa and go to change. Maybe I will take a second shower. Something very strange is going on, and I have a feeling I need to be as relaxed and calm as possible to handle this.

Kevin shows up about forty minutes later. I stare at him.

He is soaking wet. His clothes cling to his body, his hair is matted to his forehead. His face glistens in the light. The blue in his eyes is dull. And distant. It scares me.

I realize I have been staring. I move from the doorway to let him in.

He comes in, then stands in the middle of the living room. Just stands there, doing nothing, hands deep in pocket, looking down, watching his clothes drip on the carpet.

'Kevin?' I stand in front of him. 'Aren't you gonna shower?'

His head snaps up. 'What?'

'Shower.' I say. 'Aren't you gonna….'

'Yeah,' ,he says, 'Yeah…' he trudges away to the bathroom.

I bite my lip. This is worse than I thought.

After shower, he is standing near the bedroom window, looking outside. The rain has stopped.

I notice how tight his grip is on the sill. His knuckles look white. His mouth forms a thin line.

I place a hand on his arm. 'Kevin?'

He does not look at me. He shows no sign that he heard me.

'Kev?' I call again. 'What's wrong?'

He says nothing.

'Talk to me, Kevin.' I plead, feeling helpless.

And then he does.

'I made Beckett quit the job. And I put Javier on admin leave. That's what's wrong. THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!'

He draws in a shaky breath.

'I went behind their backs and it cost Beckett her job! And probably my friendship with Javier! They both hate me. Hell, I hate me!'

Then he starts pacing the room. Back and forth, like some caged animal.

I gape at him. What the hell is going on?

I sit down on the edge of the bed.

'First of all,' , I start, 'I'm sure no one hates you…'

'Yeah!', he says, voice bitter, 'You weren't there. You should have seen Beckett's face. And Javi, he couldn't even look at me!'

He pulls at his hair. 'Oh God…'

I get up and grab his shoulders.

'Hey. Hey!'

He looks at me, and the blue is like pain, like hurt and agony.

'Tell me what happened.' ,I say slowly, emphasizing each word.

He looks in my eyes. And I look into his, willing him to talk, trying to convey without saying that I am here to listen, to understand.

And he tells me. He opens his mouth, and it comes pouring out. He starts pacing again halfway through it, agitated and restless, and I struggle to keep up with him as he talks faster and faster.

'So, they just left.', he concludes. 'I got out a few minutes later- I just couldn't bear being there anymore. It was so empty…and then I started walking, and I walked for I don't know how long, I don't know where I was going, and it started raining, still I just walked and oh, what have I done? What have I done?'

He stops pacing and covers his face with his hands.

I need a moment to digest this. I can't believe this is happening.

'Kevin.' I pull at his wrists and his hands come away from his face. Every line on it shows shame and regret.

'So, let me get this straight.', I say, 'You saved your two partners' lives. You had to do it because they were reckless and didn't follow protocol. For breaking rules they were brought to the book by your captain. And somehow you decided it was YOUR fault?'

I shake my head. I really can't believe it.

'How on earth did you land on that conclusion?'

'You don't understand!', he says, half-exasperated, half-confused, 'I ratted them out! Partners don't do that!'

'The whole doing-the-right-and-sensible-thing argument aside, what would happen if you didn't?'

He stares at me.

'Tell me, Kevin,' I push, 'What would happen if you didn't tell Gates?'

'Beckett would fall.', he mutters. 'If I were a moment late, she would fall.'

'And die.', I add. Then I take his face in my hands. 'You saved her life, Kevin. Do you regret that?'

'No, no!'

'Then how can you regret telling Gates?'

'I…', he closes his eyes, 'I don't know.'

He takes a deep breath. Then, as if suddenly remembering something, he opens his eyes again. 'Then why do they hate me?' he asks. 'If I was right, why do they hate me?'

'No one hates you! They may be mad, and because of exactly what you said- you were right. You were right, they didn't listen to you, they went about it wrong, and that pretty much blew up in their faces. That, combined with everything else that went down, could result in a lot of misplaced anger. But once they calm down and think it through, I'm pretty sure they'll realize why you had to do what you did.'

'You think so?', he says slowly.

'Yes.', I say with conviction. 'Anyone with common sense can see that you were only trying to keep the safe.'

Hope flickers in his blue eyes. It breaks my heart.

I put my arms around him and hug him tightly.

'Now you are gonna eat something, and you're gonna sleep, and the next time you see your partners…'

'But Beckett quit.', he interrupts me.

'Oh, right…and it was her choice, if I may add, you didn't make her quit, as you were saying. Anyway, if I know Kate at all, she's gonna wanna come back. And when you see your partners again, things will be all right.'

His arms go around me, and he sighs.

We stay like that, and I fervently hope what I am saying is true.

The next day I do not see him at all. He calls twice- once in the morning- he was still working on Beckett's shooter's case, alone, and once at night letting m know he would be late. I hear voices around him and when I ask, he says they were all at Kate's place, working on a lead.

Late he was. I fell asleep, and did not know when he came home. And the next morning, he has again left before I am up.

I decided not to call him and bother him, because he has no partners now, and has to get all the work done by himself.

But I have not talked to him all day, and it is twelve a.m., and he is not home yet, and I desperately miss him and I am worried, because I never knew if he made up with Kate and Javier. So I give in and call him.

'Ryan.', a slurred voice answers. My eyes go wide.

'Kevin? Are you drunk?'

'Huh? Jenny?'

'Yes, it's Jenny. Where are you?'

'In a bar.'

I sigh.

'No kidding. Come home, Kevin.'

'Okay.', he hangs up.

I thank God because tomorrow is Saturday- something tells me I am not going to get a good night's sleep.

Kevin is home half an hour later, not really drunk, but not sober either. The blue of his eyes is like glass- pale and fragile.

He tells me the shooter guy is dead. They finally know who gave the order to kill Beckett's mom. Apparently, it's Senator Bracken.

I decide I have to ask him again when he is sober.

They wrapped up the case.

He saw both Kate and Javier. Kate is not mad at him. Javier is.

'He called me Judas.', he says, anger and hurt flashing in his blue eyes.

Then he closes them.

'I am so tired…'

I don't talk much, just listen, because he is not in a state of mind to make sense of much of anything.

I give him coffee. Then I drag him to bed and tell him to sleep.

But we both lie awake.

The next three weeks show me a Kevin I have never seen before.

The other guys at the precinct are apparently rude and hostile to him now because everyone feels he betrayed his partners.

But he is able to handle that. He basically stays out of everybody's way. And when someone gets too accusing, he coldly asks them where they were when Beckett was falling off a roof, and they grudgingly shut up.

He still does not have any partner. Sometimes there are other guys with him, but mostly he works alone. He is constantly late at home, and he is tired. But he does not sleep very well either.

But what makes the real difference is Javier. He does not receive Kevin's- or mine- calls. He does not call once either.

And Kevin without his partner in his life is a Kevin I do not know.

He tries all right. He tries to be himself, to joke, to laugh, to be easy, and sometimes he manages.

But I can see it in his eyes- the constant nagging in the back of his mind- the ever-present feeling that his partner hates him.

I think Javier is really mad at himself. He thinks he should have saved Beckett. But he is the kind of person who would stubbornly hold a grudge because letting it go means humbling his ego.

And that is really frustrating, for both Kevin and I.

The first week Kevin calls numerous times. He leaves messages saying that he is sorry. He texts him. And there is not a single reply.

The second week, he is more angry than apologizing. He knows Javier is being stupid and stubborn, and he cannot do anything about it. It bothers and angers him.

The next week, it has reduced to a cool resolve.

'If he doesn't need me, I don't need him.', he says in a clipped voice; face hard, blue of his eyes cold.

I refrain from commenting, but I do not like any of this.

Losing your best friend is bad. Losing your best friend at a point of your life when you are in no position to make a new one is worse. And if that best friend is the one who you have to trust with your life while fighting dangerous crimes…well, I do not know if it can get any worse.

Javier and Kate (yes, her too) comes back tomorrow. I really wish things are at least normal, because otherwise I might lose it too, along with Kevin.

When we are in bed, he suddenly says, 'Maybe I should do nothing.'

'Huh? About what?'

'Javi. You know, I thought I would give him a cold shoulder. But…', he sighs, 'then how am I any better than him? I will just stay out of his way, like I have been staying out of everybody's way lately.'

He sounds sad, and I feel extremely sorry for him. And I feel angry.

My husband is probably the nicest guy anyone was ever going to meet, and this is how he is treated?

There really is no justice in the world.

I give him a long kiss.

'It's going to be okay.'

The next day, I cannot stop worrying. So, I stop by at the precinct.

He is sporting a black eye and I am horrified. He says it was the security guards of Reggie Blake- the basketball star.

I am secretly thankful because I had thought it was Javier's work. And I would certainly have given that guy a piece of my mind if it was so.

'How are…things?' I ask tentatively as I apply tinted moisturizer to cover his black eye.

'Javier is getting on my nerves.' ,the blue of his eyes shows irritation. 'Driving me crazy.'

I try to swallow my disappointment. I stupidly thought- hoped, actually- it would be okay once they actually saw each other and had to work together.

'It's just that he is so immature…, ugh!'

I frown.

Somehow he sounds pretty immature himself when he says this, like a high-school kid in a fight with his best friend. Grumpy, annoyed, but still ready to forgive his friend any second.

I have a feeling that the three weeks apart might have been a blessing more than anything else. It has thawed Kevin. And it had to have thawed Javier.

Because when you are truly mad at someone, you do not act immature with them. You do not tease them. You act cold. Distant. Hateful.

Right?

Right. Because that night when Kevin comes home, I immediately know this is the old Kevin, the Kevin who is best friends with Javier Esposito.

He tells me what happened.

The punch that gave him the black eye? He took that trying to defend Javier.

I am not surprised- that's Kevin for you. Still loyal even when they are in a fight.

Anyway, some sports journalist filmed that and it was on television. When Javier saw it, he basically realized he had been being an ass and stopped being so.

They went to a bar, and after some alcohol in both of them, copious amount of apologies were made from both sides. Javier told Kevin he understood why Kevin had to go to Gates, that he was very sorry for the way he acted, and that Kevin was his 'best bro'.

To sum up, life is back to normal again.

And I silently thank God for that. I have missed my Kevin, so much, and seeing the blue in his eyes brighten once again, right now makes me one of the happiest persons in the world.