James The Lesser Presents Vinny Lane
Lawndale was a strange place. Lawndale High even weirder.
Now, some how, it found a way to outweird itself.
People were wearing black turtlenecks and Quinn was considered a Brain.
Vinny was freaked out even more when Stacy, a Fashion Fiend, talked to him like he was a normal person. "Uh, hey."
"Hi!"
Wow, enthusiastic. Why? "Um, what's up?"
"Nothing. Just, I," She starts to play with her hair. "Like, you're smart and stuff, right?"
"I guess..." Just don't look at my grades. Book smart and street smart are two totally different things. Right?
"So maybe you can figure out a way to fix Quinn. Black doesn't go with my hair or any of my shoes and I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe."
Of course. "I'll talk to Daria, Quinn's sister, who is a real Brain."
"Great! Thanks." Stacy bounds away with more energy than Vinny would ever muster in a week let alone a single day. Hmm, those pigtails... Except she's the exact opposite of a pig. I'm sure there is a painting some where in there.
At Vinnys, he works on a new painting while talking with Daria. "So after she walked away it gave me an idea for this painting."
She looks at it and sees several class members as animals on a farm. "It reminds me of my story where I made school in to Animal Farm."
"Didn't you name specific names in that?" She nods. "I'm sure people won't mind." He finishes a cow that was Brittany.
"Why did you make Brittany a cow?"
He smirks. "Udders." She raises an eye brow. "Also, Kevin is a bull. All muscle, no brain, so it made sense she'd be the cow.
"Right."
He starts work on the farmer and his wife. A countryfied version of Mack and Jodie. "It still doesn't fix the Quinn the Brain problem."
He glances over at Daria and sees the weird look on her face. She's thinking. This could be really good or bad. Or both.
Unfortunately he didn't get to see what she did, only hear about it, during lunch. "You, as Quinn. No pictures were taken?"
"No. Don't even think about painting or sketching it. Don't even think of thinking of thinking about it."
Damn. I know she doesn't see it. Those hacks from the modeling agency saw it though. I see it. I'm sure others who looked past her attitude would see it.
"You're thinking about it." She kicks him from under the lunch table.
Vinny is with Daria as they get to her house. Trent was with the band so Daria wasn't allowed over at Casa Lane.
Instead of homework and Sick Sad World, Daria and Vinny deal with Helen talking with Rita.
The yelling, and ranting, makes Vinny a little uncomfortable. "Uh, maybe I should just go home."
Her look freezes him in place. "If I have to suffer, you have to suffer. Part of being friends."
They both flinch when Helen yells. "Fine! I'll make them bring their own!" Helen almost slams the phone down on the receiver. "Well, Rita's precious little girl is getting married."
Vinny looks at Daria. "My cousin. She's, uh, I think Trent's age." Vinny keeps staring. "An actual cousin not a cousin like I am to Quinn."
"Cool. Never told me you had an aunt or cousin."
"I actually have two aunts."
"Only two?" Vinny remembers his family reunion. "Must make things a lot simpler."
"Did you not hear that little conversation? They were being nice, too."
Helen walks over to the two teens who were in the living room. "Daria, Vinny, I have some exciting news for you!"
Vinny looks over at Daria and can swear he can read her mind. It was the exact same thing he was thinking. Oh god, this can't be good.
"Daria, I was going to get you and Quinn in as Bridesmaids but Rita says your cousin already filled her wedding party."
"That is good news."
Helen ignores Daria's comment. "Instead, you're still invited, but since you won't have a groomsman to dance with, I made her agree you and Quinn can bring a date of your own."
Vinny is sure he can hear Helen mumble some thing about Mother can afford two more plates with all the other money she is spending on this.
Daria and Vinny look away from each other. We just got over this a couple of weeks ago.
"Mom, I don't have any one to bring. Let Quinn bring two."
Unable to stop thinking of the trio that always followed Quinn, Vinny adds. "She's actually going to need three spots."
"Great, then I won't go at all."
Helen frowns. "Now Daria, you are going. I'm making sure of it." She looks at Vinny. "If you don't have any thing nice to wear you could always rent. Men are lucky that way. Why, if women could just rent a dress like men can wear a tux believe me weddings would be much cheaper."
Vinny holds his hands up and backs away. "Whoa, I'm not going. This is a boyfriend type of thing and I'm not her boyfriend." Let her bring Trent. Oh, I'd have to go with a Polaroid just to get the reactions.
He watches Helen's face and notices her reaction. As a lawyer she had a stone cold poker face. As an artist who spent years and several classes on sketching and painting the face, he could still read it. She's surprised, confused, and... Worried? Why is she worried?
"Then go as a friend."
"Damn. I'm not getting out of this, am I?"
"Not if I can help it." Before Vinny or Daria can object any farther, Helen walks away mumbling about a light up disco floor that made no sense to either teen.
Retiring to Daria's room, the door open of course, they get distracted from homework. "I'm sorry. I should have let you run away when you had the chance."
Vinny scowls at his math book. "I'm not sure what I would rather do." He lifts the book up. "This or ballroom dance."
Daria's eyes go wide. "I never said any thing about dancing. I don't dance."
"Neither do I. My brother Wind took some dance classes for wife number... Three? Or two, or both. Doesn't matter. I've never danced at any of his weddings."
Daria looks him over and he sees the worried look on her face. "What?"
"Knowing your family, a wedding meant jeans with no holes or paint splatter on them."
He remember Helen's comment. "I have some thing nice. For funerals."
"I'm sure this will be just as exciting."
"I'm just wondering what you will be wearing. Your mother won't let you get away with boots."
Daria looks down at her feet with a grumpy look. "Maybe we could bribe my mom to let Quinn take the trio like you suggested."
Hmm, I get to see Daria all dressed up. Her sister too. I'm sure there will be other cute girls there too. "Can I at least bring my Polaroid?"
"There will be a professional photographer."
"Yes, taking pro shots. I want amateur shots. My shots." He holds up his hands, using his fingers to form a frame, around Daria. "Depending on the dress style, I might do a Gone with the Morgendorffer Family."
"Barksdale, my mom's maiden name is Barksdale."
"Ok, Gone with the Barksdale Family." He lowers his hands.
"Frankly Vinny, I don't give a damn."
The two get to homework and try to ignore the looming event coming.
Vinny over hears Kevin and Mack talking about a wedding expo. Why would they care?
He walks over and asks. "Why are you guys going to a wedding expo?"
Kevin responds first. "Our babes are there!"
Mack shakes his head. "And they said they don't want us there, Kevin. Why you shouldn't go."
"But Mack Daddy, our babes will be there!"
"Don't call me that, and that's why we shouldn't."
Vinny is less confused but still doesn't get what was going on. "How did those two get roped in to this? Shouldn't they have, I don't know, adult models?"
"The school, Ms. Li, is having it done here. I'm sure to pay for GPS tracker chips for the basketballs or some thing. So she volunteered certain students for it to cut costs."
"Brittany's super excited!"
Gee Kevin, I wonder what kind of events would lead to a wedding. Oh, maybe Daria's cousin is pregnant. I should probably ask. "You guys have fun with that. I'm stuck going to a real wedding."
Kevin, being Kevin, gets the wrong idea. "Whoa, you and Daria are getting married?"
"No. Her cousin is. I'm dragged along because her mother is forcing me to go."
Mack gives him a look he was sure he had when it happened. "How? She can't ground you."
Vinny leans against the table as he sighs. "No, but if I don't go then Daria goes alone and I can't imagine that will be good for her or any one else. Also, I got permission to bring a Polaroid with me. I'm sure I can find some people posing."
"Dude, you got a date with your babe."
Before Vinny can respond to Kevin, Mack does. "She's not his babe. They're just friends."
At least some one gets it.
Kevin looks even more confused than normal. "But, then, why does he hang out with her?"
"Because they're friends."
"Thanks Mack." Vinny looks around and sees Daria. "I gotta go."
As he walks away he hears Kevin continue his confused line of questions and Mack continue to try and explain it in a way a first grader would understand. You might want to bust out the finger paints and puppets, Mack.
Vinny stands in front of a mirror wearing his best outfit. "Ok, it's been a couple years since I wore this." The bottom of the pants was a couple inches too short. The gap between the bottom of the pants and his dress shoes clearly noticeable.
He had to spend several minutes to find a pair of socks that matched the exact color of the pants so it would hide the gap.
He pulls at the right shirt sleeve as it too was a little short. "Maybe Trent has some thing I could wear." Oh hell, I don't have time to boil a suit he once wore. "Dad, he might."
Vinny goes to his parents room and opens the closet.
After digging for a few minutes he hears some one clear their throat and turns around. "Hey, Trent, do you know if dad has any suits? Or nice dress shirts, pants, any thing?"
"Why?"
Vinny knows Trent is studying him like a zoologist studies a new animal. "I'm stuck going to a wedding and need to dress up."
"Huh, I didn't know Wind was getting married again. Did I get an invitation? I should probably go."
"No, Daria's cousin is getting married and I'm getting dragged in to it." Vinny turns back to the closet and continues looking for a good dress shirt.
"Dragged?"
Vinny doesn't like Trent's tone. "Yes, dragged. Daria doesn't want to go either. But Mrs. Morgendorffer is forcing her and since she needs a, friend," Not a date. "To go, I'm stuck going."
"Isn't this more of a boyfriend thing?"
That's what I said. "Yes. But she doesn't have one." Vinny pulls out a nice silver grey dress shirt. Just roll the sleeves up and it will work. "So I'm stuck."
"Vibes." Trent walks away as Vinny tries to find a pair of nice dress pants he could work with.
The fateful day came and Vinny knocks on the door of the Morgendorffer home.
When Quinn opens it he sees her in a very stylish outfit that fit her perfectly. "Hey Quinn." Don't stare. Don't stare. "Am I early?"
"Only a little."
He feels her scan him with her eyes and knows she is picking his outfit apart.
So the shirt sleeves were rolled up. And the pants too since his dad was a few inches taller. They matched the sports coat he found. The only thing that shouted Vinny was a bright blood red tie he found.
She shakes her head and mumbles acceptable, I guess, for Daria. Before walking away.
Vinny walks in and closes the door behind him.
When Daria comes down the stairs he has to look away quickly. Wow, she really, wow. Don't react. Thankfully these pants are baggy. Gah, being a teenage boy sucks some times.
Daria reaches him and stops. "Hey, you look, good."
He doesn't turn towards her. "Uh, you too."
He hears Helen yelling at Jake. "No, for the last time, you can't bring your clubs! This is a family wedding and no one is going to have fun!"
"But Helen, they have that legendary thirteenth hole!"
"No!"
If I walk over to the kitchen I can still "accidentally" cut myself really bad.
He hears the two storm down the stairs. "Jake, we're going to be late!"
Helen reaches the bottom of the stairs and sees Vinny. "Oh, you're here, good. At least one male in this household can be on time!"
"I'm coming!" Jake comes down.
Male? Household? Lady, I'm just a hostage.
Helen turns to Quinn. "Where is your date?!"
"Mo-om! I couldn't choose just one date."
Vinny can see the anger flash across Helen's face. She holds it back as she talks through her teeth. "Why?"
"Well, first I was going to ask Terry since he just got a new car but then I realized we'd be taking yours so then I was going to ask James but he uses too much deodorant and being trapped in a car with him wouldn't be good so then..." She went on for several minutes before Helen just yelled for every one to get in the car.
The car ride was a little better. He got to read interesting signs and billboards.
Halfway there he gets bored and tries to play the road game he and Daria played when with Trent and Jesse. "I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing..." Ok, better keep it normal. Her parents are here. "Apples."
Quinn picks up. "I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing apples and beauty supplies."
He looks over at Daria whose eyes light up. Ok, at least I was going to keep it normal. "I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing apples, beauty supplies, and the Czechoslovakia Communist Handbook."
Jake tries to keep it going. "I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing apples, beauty supplies, Check, uh, Czechoslovakia Communist Handbook and, uh, a diary."
Every one turns to Helen,who stays silent, killing the game.
Well that was horrible while it lasted. She must really not be looking forward to this. I might not like my family much but I still love them.
When the hotel the wedding was being held at comes in to appearance, Daria holds a finger up and says, "Red rum, red rum." Vinny gets the joke and laughs. No one else does. If they did get the joke they didn't find it funny enough to laugh at.
A young man, maybe eighteen, greets them after they all pile out.
Jake hands him the keys. "Hey young man, this is an expensive car, try not to scratch it."
"What ever."
Jake gives off a nervous laugh as the group walks towards the doors.
A woman with a slight resemblance to Helen greets them with an older man by her side. "Hi Helen! So glad you could make it."
"Hello Rita." The two hug before Helen turns to the man. "And this is?"
"Paul, my beau."
Jake gets closer with his hand out and then stops. "Paul?"
The man holds his hand out then stops. "Jake?"
"Small world!"
Every one is confused until the two men state they had been in scouts together.
After a few seconds of talking, another car pulls out, and a woman steps out.
Whoa, is that Daria's real mother?
The woman was a dead ringer for Daria, if Daria was a decade or two older.
Apparently Amy hadn't been expected. Amy explained that she hadn't been intending to come, "But I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I … for a day."
Helen had to wipe away her look of astonishment. "Oh, Amy why do you say such ridiculous things?"
"Out loud?" Amy walked past her sisters and congratulated Jake on the strength and strong will he must have by remaining with Helen.
Vinny concluded that she knew Helen well but not Jake.
Then she turned to Rita's boyfriend. "And Roger, how's the skydiving going?"
Helen explained to Amy that this was in fact Paul. Roger having passed away due to a terrible tragedy.
Vinny was at a lost. Daria knew the story of Roger the skydiving instructor and whispered some thing about a cow to Vinny.
Amy apologized and greeted Paul politely.
"Who's Roger?" said Paul.
Quinn nervously explained. "He fell on a cow."
Paul looked taken aback with disgust.
"And he was one of the lucky ones."
Vinny couldn't help but smile at Daria's response. Wow, this family is talking about a guy who died like they're talking about a comic in the Sunday paper. Maybe my family isn't as dysfunctional as it seems.
With a quip from Aunt Amy, er, Amy as she stated, about his camera the group went inside.
Inside, Quinn beelined for the bridesmaids. Wow, Daria got lucky she wasn't a bridesmaid. Those dresses are straight out of the 60. The 1860's.
Vinny was thankful when they didn't have long to wait for the wedding to begin.
It was as normal of a ceremony as could be expected. For Vinny this was a nice change of pace. No butterflies, no pissed off Father in Laws threatening to beat any one up. The groom wasn't crying. So this is how a wedding should go? Maybe give Wind tips for his next one.
Being an artist, he couldn't help but analyze every thing. The way the dress sat on the bride. The way the groom's hair flowed in a way that was clearly done by a professional. Glad I keep mine short and tight. No need to worry about getting it worked.
He examines the groomsman remembering details he could use for a painting or sketch later. Should have brought my sketchbook. Except Helen wouldn't let me use it as the ceremony was going on.
He looks over at Daria. She has no idea how pretty she looks right now. Not that I could ever mention it. Don't, don't think like that. Hope she gets asked to dance by others. He looks at the bridesmaids standing with the Bride. Some serious potential there. Remember to grab Polaroid from coat check before reception.
Once the ceremony was over there was a few minutes before people moved over to the reception hall.
After taking a few pictures he followed Daria over to the bar. "What will it be?" The bartender didn't even look up at them.
"Soda, dark, non diet." Vinny looked at Daria and she shrugged her shoulders. "Two."
"Got it." The bartender seemed dazed, lost, zombie like as he moved.
Vinny, and Daria, trying to avoid the others, talk him up. "So, uh, what's the deal here?"
"I get paid to serve drinks. Unlimited bar, plenty of drunks, drunks don't tip."
Both look at the tip jar and see there was barely any thing in it. No one is drunk yet. Maybe your attitude kills your tips.
After a quick glance at Daria, he reflects Then again, whom am I to speak on matters of attitude?
After the obligatory boquet toss, caught by a bridesmaid named Daphne, the groom goes to remove the garter.
Vinny stays back and lets some other fools fight to grab it.
The two sip at their cola as couples take to the dance floor. "I got to meet more of your family."
"Sorry."
"I got some interesting pictures too." A slight curl of the lips was her only response.
Daria excuses herself to use the facilities and Vinny walks over to the table where Jake and... Paul? He was pretty sure the name was Paul, were sitting at. "You know, she's a tiger in the bedroom."
Jake laughs and replies. "It runs in the family."
Vinny hurries back to the bar. Don't think about it don't think about it... He sees Quinn at the bar getting a soda. Wow, she actually had to get her own drink? Must be a new experience for her.
Quinn turns around and sees him. "Oh, hi Vinny."
Before Vinny can respond Quinn walks away.
Don't think about Barksdale women being tigers in the bedroom. He forces himself to look away and focus on the dancing couples.
After a couple more songs Vinny realizes Daria was still gone. "Did she run away?" Lucky.
He is surprised when a girl he didn't recognize walks up to him and asks for a dance. "I, uh, can't."
"Oh, came with a date?"
Daria is just a friend, not a date. "No. I, I just don't know how."
She smiles and touches his hand. "I'll show you. Slow dancing is easy."
After the first two songs, Vinny agreed. This is a lot easier than I thought. He looks down the couple inches it took to look her in the eyes. Doesn't hurt she's pretty.
The dancing was interrupted by screaming, things being thrown, and then an all out brawl.
Vinny and the girl, he never got her name, scurried to hide behind the bar.
He peeks over the bar and sees... Is that Mrs. Morgendorffer and her sister? He continues looking around and sees Jake fighting with Paul. Where's my Polaroid? I sat it down on a table.
With the brawl continuing throughout the dance floor, Vinny tries to get to the camera but fails.
Vinny only had to wait for a few more minutes before the brawl ended.
He grabs his camera and takes pictures of the aftermath. It was the best he could do since he missed the actual fight.
After taking a few more he looks around and realizes... "Huh, Amy and Daria must have ducked out."
He leaves the ruined hall and looks around the hotel a bit while the authorities showed up.
Vinny isn't sure how they got out of trouble but no one was arrested.
Jake, no worse for wear than a cut lip and a bruise, was driving back to Lawndale.
Helen, next to him, was silent.
Daria told him how Amy and she had gone to a bar to get cheese fries. She would have invited him but he was busy with dancing. "You went to, powder your nose, and she asked. I was just there as a friend any ways." Is she jealous? Why would she be jealous?
"I know. I was surprised you actually knew how to dance."
"I didn't, she did. It was actually really easy." And kind of nice. I can see why people do it now. Being that close, swaying to the music, was nice.
The drive was tense, quiet, and enjoyable. Vinny needed to relax after all that happened. Maybe get a nap. He had been up early, for a Lane, to make it to the Morgendorffer house on time.
The Morgendorffer car stops in front of his house and drops him off.
Daria walked him to his door. "Thanks, you know, for coming."
Vinny leans against the door fighting back a yawn. "No problem. I got some great pictures and actually enjoyed myself. The wedding was way more entertaining than any of Wind's." He looks over her shoulder at Helen's SUV. "You should get going. I'm surprised your father was allowed to drive home. He, and your mom, both drank way too much."
Daria shrugs her shoulders and walks back to the SUV.
In his room, after changing and taking a shower, Vinny flops down on his bed with the camera in his hands. "I got some really good pictures. Yet the only picture I can think of..."
Daria, coming down the stairs, in her wedding outfit. She was pretty, as an artist he knew that, but dressed like this...
A/N I had to change some things to get Vinny in to the story. If this is about Vinny I can't skip over half a season. I did Season One like that but that's because the show is called Daria. My show is called Vinny Lane so gotta find a way to focus the show on him a little. Hope no one minds the changes.