[b][u]Chapter 11: This one goes up to… TWELVE![u][/b]
"How the hell can it update so slowly? This is c*ckf*cking bullsh*t!"
Mister Torgue, saying it like it is. Sorry Torgue, I have things to do, places to be and I just don't have a lot of free time anymore.
"Well f*ck you!"
Well that's just mean.
"Hey man, I'm sorry. It's just, I kinda enjoy this limelight you know. Makes me feel all fuzzy inside."
Yeah sure, enjoy it man. Now, on with the 'plot'. What plot you say? That is an excellent question.
"I will never swear loyalty to you!" a teenager said dressed in similar but less ornate Egyptian pharaoh robes than Pyramid.
The teen ran away shaking his fists defiantly as he fled.
"And that would be…" Reine said raising an eyebrow.
"My son," Pyramid grumbled.
"Teenagers," Fource joined in.
"I like his outfit," Cary said with a bubbly tone.
Reine had gotten Pyramid to show the Bonecrushers around in the Rammers' hideout after Lilith and the Vault Hunters had left. The red-haired vixen that could crush your dirty thoughts, and most of your body, with her mind, mumbled something about 'keep[ing] the moonbase trained on them'. Our bandaged gym leader had shrugged.
"It's the same outfit he's been wearing since you joined us. Haven't you been paying attention?" Pyramid said.
"Paying what? No no, my parents pay everything," Cary said.
Pyramid facepalmed.
"How did I ever get fooled by the likes of you!" he said.
Reine held up the CPR.
"Must've been this shiny gizmo you so desperately wanted to mass produce," Reine said, cracking a smile. "You will do that… for my purposes."
"F*ck you," Pyramid said.
"I have someone else taking care of that, but thanks for the offer," Reine said.
She had gotten real close to her goal, somehow without having to duke it out with the other queen of Pandora, Lilith. Our bandaged double gym leader did not quite know what to do with herself now that the only way up was conquering more territory. She managed all that in just a few short weeks, miraculously avoiding getting pulled into…
"Hello people of Pandora, this is Mister Torgue, saying that I'm one proud motherf*cker. Wait no, I love my mother but not in that way. Anyway, what was I talking about again, oh yeah! Because you've all been fighting each other like crazy, it's almost time for me hosting the Illegal Off World Torgue Sponsored Death Bordermon Tournament! Or IOWTSDBT, whoohoo! See you there and now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to cry manly tears of joy in my room, which is basically the same room as I'm in right now because this space truck is a cheap-a** piece of metal sh*t! Torgue out!"
And then came Torgue's announcement for the tournament Reine had been trying to avoid getting drafted into from the beginning.
"Oh yeah, quick thing, Gym Leaders can also participate and if I were you, I would challenge Reine of the Bonecrushers because she has a freaking Skagzilla and two Gyms! Torgue out!" Torgue helpfully added.
"That muscle-bound mustache is on my list," Reine said with barely contained fury.
"Huh… how many challengers do you think are gonna Fast-Travel here in the next fifteen minutes?" Cary said.
"I'm betting 312," Fource said, handing Cary some money.
Cary nodded and went over to a board with a great number of bandits from both the Bonecrushers and Rammers clans gathered around. Reine approached them and yelled:
"What the hell is this!"
"It's us betting how many challengers there will be and how quickly you'll defeat them," Cary said.
Reine glared at her before saying:
"514, 20 minutes."
"That's a lot of time per battle," Cary noted.
"It's not per battle," Reine said.
"500 dollars!" Reggie yelled at Cary.
"Hi there," she said with a gentle smile.
Reggie yelped and fell backwards, accidentally unloading his shotgun in Eigger's behind.
Fource quadruple facepalmed. Try saying that six times in a row.
"So, anyway… Boss b*tch," Pyramid continued, "the big guy's called Rambo, the pale looking fellow with the fangs is Bram Stoker, Anagram's our mission control…"
Anagram, a perky woman in her mid-twenties with headphones that seemed mostly there for esthetic reasons, winked at Reine.
"Hi sweetie," Anagram said.
"And our cook Ramen is making some…" Pyramid went on.
"Let me guess, sushi? And he's Japanese?" Reine said.
"What? No. He's Italian and he's making pasta in the kitchen," Pyramid said. "Why would you think…"
"Never mind. What is your computer specialist called?" Reine asked.
"We don't have one. Why?" Pyramid said.
"No reason, keep it that way. Now… Someone get me everyone's Bordermon. I want to get this Gym Leader challenging sh*t over with," Reine said.
The bandits quickly complied and right as Eigger, holding a hand on his sore behind, handed Reine the last SDU, a pack of thirty bandits came running into the Gym. They all sent out their Bordermon and one yelled:
"Reine of the Bonecrushers and Rammers, we're here to…"
He got shut up promptly when he felt the still warm bits of all his group's thirty Bordermon around his cheeks, shoulders, arms and pretty much everywhere.
"Ramen!" Pyramid called to the cook. "Hold off on that pasta, we've got meat to serve! Also make some sauce, we're gonna need it for the singed parts."
"Girate adestra, tortellini luigi!" Ramen yelled.
"Neeeeeext!" Reine said, aiming her shotgun at the first group's speechless spokesman and gesturing for him to get a move on.
His buddies had to drag him along as Reine cracked a smile. This obliterating of foes went on for quite some time until…
"513, just one more!" Cary said before turning to see someone walk in.
The woman had an ehem, voluptuous figure barely covered in a half-naked outfit. She looked she came straight out of a fighting game. Ooooh, buuuuurn.
"I'm looking for Reine," the woman said.
"And ehm eh… who might you be?" Fource said.
The woman winked at him as she looked Fource up and down. He had now just ditched the armor and helmet as all eyes were on Reine anyway and he proudly gestured with his four strong arms. His bare chest had not gone unnoticed by the as of yet unnamed scantily clad fighting game woman who probably had less personality than a male ant. Double burn.
"Ooooh. Are you the price? Now I'm really gonna put in the effort," the woman said.
And still she was unnamed.
"State your name, or I'm going to call you Miss Backpain of Impending Sagging all over your Stomach," Reine said.
"Oh so touchy. I knew that had to be padding," the woman said, nodding at Reine's bandaging that mostly hid any figure she had. "Anyway, the name's Polly. Polly Gonad."
A few bandits could not help but chuckle.
"You guys will have to wait in the back of the line if you want some Polly-gamy," Polly said.
The bandits immediately stopped and hung their heads in eternal sadness. It was then that they realized their fleeting shreds of existence were insignificant drops against a stellar canvas that had spanned space and time since time immemorial. Then they remembered they were unnamed side characters that only had these kinds of thoughts because it was their defining and only characteristic for a one-off gag. Back to the story.
"So," Polly said as she turned to Reine. "Would you be the A-cup I've been hearing so much about?"
Cary crossed her arms in front of her chest, whimpering.
"I'm A-list alright," Reine said turning her pistol over in her hand. "I never heard as much as a whisper about you though. If you want a chance against me, I'd suggest you get some people to help…"
Fource got Reine's attention and she paused as he pointed her to the board. Just one more opponent to beat in 5 minutes. Reine looked back to Polly.
"Well then. You wanna fight?" Reine said.
"Well I came here to turn all your guys by giving them the best time of their lives and also to fight you, to rub it in. Let's combine the two, shall we?" Pollly said.
Reine narrowed her eyes for a moment before she summoned Coil and Buzzsaw. They both squeaked murderously.
"No Skagzilla? I'm so… disappointed," Polly said, letting out a seductive sigh.
"This room's a bit too small for it," Reine said, now widely smiling.
"Why not go outside then?" Polly said.
And so, they went out into the open.
Reine sent out Skagzilla Jr. and after it roared long and hard for enough time that every other living thing scurried from the former bandit warzone, our bandaged badass said:
"You got what you wanted. Now let's see what you have that could possibly be a match for these three killers."
"Hmmm," Polly said as she looked Skagzilla Jr. up and down with utter fascination. "I'll let your two small toys play with mine…"
She sent out two Badass Bullymongs who swiftly attacked Buzzsaw and Coil before digging up an SDU from her barely-there outfit's cleavage. She kneeled down slowly to put it down on the ground before standing up, once again very slowly as the creature digistructed in front of her and shot away as soon as it finished.
Everyone looked up to the sky and back to the seductively smiling Polly as her secret weapon was revealed: a pterodactylesque creature that was known to feed on thrash and to be very weak… if however this one did not turn out to be a big badass variant with glowing corrosive marks and huge talons.
"You checking out my rakk?" Polly asked Reine. The latter did not respond.
It immediately started raining down acid bombs onto Skagzilla Jr. as it was unsure what could possibly be hurting it. Though it was agile, it was not used to something so comparatively small; smaller than a Runner at least; hurting him at all. Besides Reine. Baaaadaaaass…
Reine grinded her teeth. It almost seemed like the perfect counter to her best Bordermon.
"You've been watching me, haven't you?" Reine said.
"Almost as much as they've been watching me since I arrived," Polly said and winked. "Let's play, shall we?"