Chapter 11: I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart
"And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go"
She looked worried as he opened his door to let her in.
He hated himself for making her come.
For being weak.
She stood in the middle of his living room with her hands on her hips trying hard to not let her feeling show but her eyes gave her away.
He tried to ignore the sense of guilt that washed over him.
The guilt of making her worry.
"What's wrong, Gibbs?"
"Kate."
Her eyes swept over the room and settled on the glass of whiskey on the kitchen table.
"You have been drinking."
It was more a statement than a question.
"Yes."
Her eyes darkened as they met his.
She looked disappointed.
"Why am I here?"
"I just want to talk."
"Talk? What is there left to say?"
"Kate, please."
"What, Gibbs? I think you made it perfectly clear."
She started to move towards the door.
She was leaving.
Walking away from him.
"You shouldn't marry him."
The words were out before he could stop them.
He had no right.
She turned towards him and their eyes met.
Her eyes burned.
"You have no right to speak to me like that."
He moved towards her.
"You don't love him."
"Stop it, Gibbs!"
"I just don't want you to make a mistake."
"Who the fuck are you to tell me that to do?!"
She moved towards him with fire burning in her eyes.
"I just want to best for you, Kate."
"Fuck you, Gibbs! You can't just say things like that to me."
"Kate…"
Her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face as she spoke:
"No, you have no right. You don't know me."
"You're wrong. I do know that you don't love this man."
She stopped and looked at him.
"Who says that I don't love him?"
He didn't expect that.
Not that.
"Kate..."
"What, Gibbs? If that's the reason you brought me here..."
"It wasn't."
"Then what? Why am I here?"
Her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face as they bored into him.
"I just..."
"What?!"
She wanted answers.
She demanded them.
Needed them.
But what could he say?
He didn't know how to put things into words.
Her eyes darkened in that moment.
"Never mind. I was crazy for coming here."
She turned and moved towards the door.
He should just let her go.
Let her walk out that door and out of his life.
It was better that way.
It was the right thing to do.
For both of them.
They didn't mix.
They were too different.
She was light.
He was dark.
They hurt each other.
But he couldn't deny the spark between them.
The fire.
The longing.
The way he felt when she was near.
The way she had the ability to center him.
To calm him.
Making his world a little bit brighter.
She was almost at the door now
"Please, Kate..."
She stopped with her hand on the doorknob.
She didn't turn around as she said:
"What, Gibbs? What is there left to say?"
His voice was hoarse as he spoke the words that he feared:
"Stay."
She turned towards him and their eyes met.
"Why? Why should I stay?"
He wanted for once in his life tell her the truth.
To just let go of all the fear, all the worry and just let her in.
All the way in.
It had been such a long time since he let anyone close.
Close enough to really know him.
To really see all the parts of him.
He had told himself that it was better that way.
But the real and simple truth was that he was scared.
He had experienced love and happiness.
He had held it in his hands.
He had had it all.
The pain when it all was taken away nearly killed him.
He had given up on the thought to have that a second time in his life.
He was a realist after all.
You only get one chance to get it right.
One chance.
And he had failed.
To take that step once again was a risk he wasn't willing to take.
It was too much in stake.
That small piece of his heart that still remained.
He couldn't give that piece away.
It was a matter of survival after all.
But still he couldn't let go.
He wanted more time.
He needed it.
To be able to let go.
So he moved towards her.
She didn't move away.
She just stood there looking at him with those beautiful eyes that had the power to bring him to his knees.
He knew that he was being a bastard.
He knew that this would only make things worse.
For both of them.
This would surely kill him.
But he didn't care anymore.
He was so tired of fighting.
His hands trembled a little as he touched her cheek and whispered the words:
"I need you."
With those words he gave her the one thing he could give her: the truth.
Then he bent down and brushed his lips over hers.
He had meant only to taste her once again.
To brand the feel of her lips against his in his mind.
To feel her.
But the moment his lips touched hers something inside of him let go and he fell.
With a sigh she surrendered and let him inside.
He lost himself in the taste of her as his tongue explored her mouth.
Her warm hands explored his chest and back, pulling him closer to her.
She molded her body against his and for a moment he lost himself in the sensation of her.
He broke away from her suddenly and backed away.
She stood before him in all her glory.
Her eyes burning.
Her skin seemed to glow in the dark lit room.
He had lost himself for a moment in her.
In the sensation of having her in his arms.
But he had always been a sensible man.
He knew that this was wrong.
There was too much in stake.
But most of all he knew that it would all end badly.
He could see it coming a mile away.
He hurt people.
He crushed them.
She would be the one that would bleed.
He knew it.
He felt it.
How could he do this to her knowing that it would all end badly?
She deserved so much better than him.
He should be the better man and let her go.
But he wasn't a good man.
He was weak.
He needed her.
He wanted to drown in her.
Feel her against him.
Feel peace.
Even if it wouldn't last.
Their eyes met as he said:
"Are you sure?"
For a brief moment he could see hesitation in her eyes.
But then it was gone.
Her voice was barely a whisper as she said:
"Yes."
He reached out her hand towards her and she took it.
He was standing in the doorway to his bedroom watching her sleep.
Sleep had alluded him.
She was sleeping with her head turned towards him.
Their time together was coming to an end.
Two days had passed since she entered his house.
It was time.
He knew it.
They couldn't stay like this.
It would not last.
It was all an illusion.
Not real.
Just a brief glimpse of something that he couldn't have.
A part of him, the feeble part, wished that he could shut out the world.
And get just a little while longer.
Just a day.
An hour.
Even a minute more.
But he knew he wasn't being fair.
This, the thing between them, would never last.
He was too broken to be fixed.
She deserved so much better.
She deserved all the things life could give.
Someone that could give his whole heart without question, without worry.
But most of all someone whole.
Someone that wasn't afraid.
Someone that was strong enough to stand beside her.
To hold on to her and never let go.
He wasn't that man.
He would never be that man.
So he had to let her go.
She stirred and opened her eyes.
She smiled at him and whispered:
"What are doing? Come back to bed."
He hesitated for a moment.
She reached out for him.
He closed the gap between them.
He let himself drown in the sensation of holding her in his arms one last time.
He laid there listening to her breathing ebb and flow and he spoke the words that he feared the most into the night:
"You have to go back."
Her voice was barely a whisper as she said:
"I know."
She turned in his arms and looked up at him.
He wanted to remember her this way.
In his arms.
"To set things right."
She just smiled then.
That smile that would be forever branded into his memory.
Then she settled against him and said:
"Tomorrow. Let's talk about it tomorrow."
Then she closed her eyes and went back to sleep.
He laid there holding her as she slept praying for the strength to let her go.