Hai. I'm finally updating. I also never got anything about the art thing sooo I'm not gonna do that. This chapter is kinda crappy...
Imma post it anyway cuz I'm sick of rewriting it. Enjoy~
When consciousness began to make itself known, at first everything was muddled, foggy and confusing. I opened my eyes, or, I think I opened them; everything was blurry and full of random colors and shapes. I don't know how long I was like this, seconds, minutes, hours, days? Who knows. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity the confusion began to die down and my sense began to work again. After everything had mostly died down, that's when the panic hit me. At first I thought I was back at the hospital, but then it flashed back to the alleyway. The two images continued to go back and forth and confusion struck my mind; what was happening? Was I at the hospital or that alleyway? Had I been saved? Am I okay? Was I...I felt my body begin to shake. Was I raped? I heard a voice and looked towards the source. Bon! Wait...the image switched to Terrece and a hand lifted towards me as it switched back to Bon. Soon I couldn't tell if it was Bon or Terrece reaching out to grab me. The panic flaring inside me reached it's peek and I let out a scream, grabbing my head. I felt strong arms wrap around me and I flinched, but the hold didn't loosen I heard a familiar voice in my ear, comforting and calming. I focused on the voice, realizing it was Bon's. My body leaned onto his chest as I felt the panic slowly die down. The room stopped spinning, the alleyway officially fading from my sight. I felt a gentle hand rubbing my back.
"It's okay Rin...you're okay. You're safe…" His soft voice spoke and I squeezed my eyes shut. "Just breathe...try to follow mine." He took in a deep breath and I struggled to match it. After several ragged attempts to calm my breathing I began to succeed, and a few minutes later I was breathing steady. "That's it."
I opened my eyes and looked up at him, feeling slightly exhausted after the panic attack.. He met my gaze and gave a soft smile. I moved my gaze away from him and I rested my forehead against his shoulder as I felt guilt begin to twist inside of me.
"I...I'm sorry…" I said quietly.
"Huh? Why?" Bon asked, holding me tighter which only increased the guilt.
"I just…" I clenched his shirt tightly in between my fingers. "You were just trying to help and I pushed you away. I was upset because of...well, allot of things but...one of them was because I didn't have my friends anymore...but when you actually tried to be my friend again I…" I sighed and closed my eyes. "I'm so stupid."
"Yeah." He agreed. "Sometimes you can be pretty stupid. But you're not a complete idiot. You're just...confused.."
"But still...I don't understand why you're trying to help me…" I said quietly.
I felt Bon's grip around me tighten.. "Because you're my friend."
"But...I'm a demon...and my father hurt your family…."
"Yeah, he did. But you're not Satan and his deeds aren't yours. I should have realized that sooner. You're not Satan, and you're way too nice to be thought of as a demon." Bon said, a small blush on his face.
"Don't go falling for me now." I joked half-heartedly.
"You wish." Bon snorted.
I gave a weak chuckle.
"Well I take it your feeling better?" Bon asked.
"A little bit." I answered. "So...are we...friends again?"
"Of course." He ruffled my hair.
"Even though I'm a stupid emo demon?"
"Even though you're a stupid emo demon." Bon chuckled softly, rubbing my back comfortingly.
"...you won't ditch me again or tell me to get lost?" I asked in a quieter, serious tone.
"No." Bon said firmly. "I won't ever do something like that again."
"Promise?" I asked,
"Don't trust me, huh?" Bon sighed,
"I don't want to get hurt again…" I replied.
"You won't be." He said. "I promise."
I smiled weakly. After a few minutes of silence Bon spoke back up. "the others visited you, while you were asleep."
"The others?" I asked, opening my eyes to look at Bon.
"Yeah." he nodded. "Shiemi and Izumo and Shima and Konekomaru. They heard about all that happened."
"Oh….why did they come?" I asked.
"They were worried." He said. "Teach's been around too. Whenever he's free he's here.."
"Yukio's been around too…?" I asked hesitantly.
"Of course, he does care about you, even if you think he doesn't." Bon said.
"Well then he has a terrible way of showing it." I grumbled to myself. I peered up at Bon in between my dark bangs, "...you realize there wasn't like, a miscommunication, right? He straight up said he wouldn't care if I died."
"I know." Bon sighed and moved his gaze away. "I guess he changed his mind. Or, more likely, he probably realized that wasn't how he actually felt."
I shrugged and didn't say anything, instead just staying quietly in Bon's embrace. After a few minutes I sat up, and stretched. About half way through the stretch I froze for a moment before realizing my stomach didn't hurt. I reached down and pulled up the hospital gown- goddammit I was in one of these again?!- and looked at the where the injury was. Nothing. The injury was completely gone, not even the fainest hint of a scar to suggest the area had ever been damaged. I knew I should probably be glad the wound was gone, but I couldn't bring myself to be. It was almost like a reminder the world wouldn't let me go yet, not that easily. As if it thought I hadn't been through enough yet, that I hadn't been punished enough for existing. I let the gown fall back to cover the skin and looked over at Bon who was watching quietly. "How long was I out?"
"Three days."
"Three days?!" I exclaimed, looking at him with wide eyes. "Why was I out that long? How?"
Bon started looking a little uncomfortable, like he wasn't sure if he should answer or not. Then he sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Its not that complicated, really. The...uh...rapists put a drug in your system somehow, and it took two days for your body to rid of the substance. One more for your wound to fully heal, since your body's attention was spilt between the wound and the drug it took longer than normal to heal."
"Oh." I blinked. Well, I guess that made sense. "So um...what happened to them?" I asked.
"They were arrested, obviously. However the um...guy called Terrece is in the hospital- not this one- and may die from injuries." Bon explained.
"How did he get so badly hurt?" I asked, almost satisfied at hearing the outcome.
If only I'd been the one to put him in the damn hospital.
"Teach, uh, your brother saw him over you, got super pissed and shot the shit outta the guy." He answered.
"Huh…." I said, looking at the bed. So he did care? Couldn't he make up his mind? One day he hates me and then the next he's upset over me almost dying and getting enraged from someone hurting me.
The door opened quietly and both Bon and I looked over. Shiemi walked into the room. Her blonde hair was in a single ponytail hanging over one shoulder. She was wearing her usual pink kimono. "Hi Suguro! I brought-" she stopped mid sentence when her gaze landed on me. "Rin! You're awake!"
I walked towards Bon's dorm, relieved to finally have some freedom. Even if it was only for a few minutes. Yukio and Bon had been hovering over me since I got out of the hospital. I haven't had a single waking moment to myself unless it was to take a shower or to use the restroom., and even after they would check me for cuts. Not gonna lie, I still wanted to, but having two people doing all they could to keep me from it did make me feel a bit better. Even if it was extremely annoying. The only reason I was even being able to have this small amount of alone time was because Yukio had called Bon to let him know I was coming over and he was to, of course, make sure I hadn't cut myself while I was alone. It was almost like they thought I was addicted, like I was smoking crack or something. It's not like any second of the day I got alone I was going to pull out a knife and cut myself up, i just did it when my emotions were getting too much and there was nothing else to help. They hadn't been that bad for the past few days since I'd gotten out of the hospital, but I was sure that episode before the mission that led to the hospital stay wasn't the last time I would cut.
During the last few days in the hospital I'd been visited by Shiemi, Shima, and even Izumo and Konekomaru. I guess everyone knew I was also in there because I had tried to kill myself, but thankfully they didn't treat me too differently. Not a lot, at least. Bon was pretty much with me the whole time, and now that I was out of the hospital I had to make up on all the school I missed, which is why I was heading to Bon's dorm.
I walked into the dormitory and made my way up to the room Suguro was on. I walked to his room and was about to go in when I heard voices inside. I paused, making out Shima's and Suguro's voice.
"Come on man, you haven't gone out with me and Koneko in a week! I know you're super hype about school and all, but if you don't give yourself time to chill you'll go crazy!" Shima's voice sounded.
"I already told you Shima, I can't go and that's that." Suguro responded with irritation.
"And why not?"
A sigh. "Because Rin's coming over so I can help him catch up on the schoolwork he missed."
"You've been with Rin all week! What's up with that anyway? Isn't he, y'know, not our friend anymore?" Shima asked.
"He is my friend. It's a long story-" Bon began.
"Oh, really? I bet it isn't really that long. You don't actually care about him, do you? You're just trying to relieve your guilty conscience and make sure you don't have someone's life on your hands. If Okumura hadn't turned out suicidal, you wouldn't even be hanging around him, would you? You don't even really like him, is that right? You're just pretending to make him feel like he's worth something so he doesn't kill himself because of you, just admit it." Shima's small speech interrupted.
Silence. "I…."
One hand moved to cover my mouth as I felt a pang of hurt and anger. Not wanting to stick around to hear Bon say all Shima had said was true, I quickly ran off, leaving the dormitory. I should have fucking guessed. Who would ever want to help me for me? Who would ever want to be friends with me because they liked who I was? No one could ever like a demon like a me. Maybe that's why Yukio suddenly showed an interest as well, he didn't want a life on his hands either. If I died, those two didn't want it to be because of them. Shima was right, if I wasn't suicidal neither of them would have a care in the world for my wellbeing. I never should have thought any differently, I never should have let them trick me into thinking they actually cared. I turned off into a random alleyway and pressed my back against the wall before slowly sliding to the ground. A sob forced itself past my lips and I buried my face in my hands. All the happiness I had felt from feeling like someone actually cared, that I was actually worth caring for went straight down the drain. The thought of finally having the only thing I really wanted ripped away from me once again put a dark and empty feeling in my chest. I suddenly felt a hundred pounds heavier, and it was hard to breathe from the strong pain radiating from my heart. I wiped the tears running down my face off on my sleeve, but it didn't do much as more tears replaced them. Shakily I pulled out my knife from my pocket, an extra one neither Yukio nor Bon knew about. Good thing for that, if they had found out they would have taken it and I would have no way to relieve the pain. I took in a ragged breath in between sobs as I pulled the knife out of it's sheathe. This one, unfortunately, wasn't a holy metal knife. It was just a plain old one. That meant more effort for relief, since I healed so damn fast. God, I hate myself so much, how could I have ever expected anyone to feel any differently? I've never been liked by anyone except for Father Fujimoto, everyone else, kids my age, adults, teachers, hated me. I only had friends for a little bit because they didn't know my reputation and they didn't know what I really was. The moment they found though and I was alone again. I thought Bon really was willing to give me a chance, to think of me differently than a monster, but I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I was a monster and I'll never be anything different. No matter how hard I tried. A demon was demon, after all.
I put the knife against my skin and dug it in before pulling it across my arm. I winced as pain raced up my arm, not quite as used to the pain from abstaining from it for a week. I bit down on my lip and made another cut, one after the other. Each one red blood welled up and spilled over my arm and dropping onto my clothes and the ground. I switched the blade to my other hand and continued the cuts down my opposite arm, the blood staining my gray shirt red. All I wanted was to be accepted and have friends. I just wanted to be treated like everyone else, not be treated like a fucking animal all the time. No tricks or bets, no one trying to play with my emotions, just truly being my friend. I pulled up my shirt and pulled the blade across my stomach, then again, then three times then four...one for every time I've been called a demon, a monster, told to kill myself, referred to the "son of satan". Thats right, I wasn't even my own person. No, in everyone else's eyes I would never be Rin Okumura, I'd just be the son of Satan. I finally dropped the knife and wrapped my arms around myself, just letting the tears flow and wondering again and again, 'why me?'
"Oh, really? I bet it isn't really that long. You don't actually care about him, do you? You're just trying to relieve your guilty conscience and make sure you don't have someone's life on your hands. If Okumura hadn't turned out suicidal, you wouldn't even be hanging around him, would you? You don't even really like him, is that right? You're just pretending to make him feel like he's worth something so he doesn't kill himself because of you, just admit it." Shima stared him in the eyes, a smug smirk on his face.
"I…." Bon was silent for a long moment, clenching his fists and trying to contain his anger. "Rin is my friend. I am not pretending to like him. I am not pretending to care. I made a damn promise and I sure as hell am going to keep it."
Shima scowled, "but why? What made you suddenly change your mind?"
Bon growled, "I'm not defending myself to you. When did you become so cruel, anyway? Nevermind, Rin's gonna be here soon so get out."
Shima rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He put his hands in his pockets and walked out of the room. Bon let out a sigh and sat down at his desk and looked down at his homework. He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair, trying to shove down his anger. He closed his eyes and let out a long breath through his nose. His phone dinged and he opened his eyes and picked it up. It was a text from Yukio, Has Rin arrived yet?
Not yet, he should be here soon though. Bon sent back and put his phone down. He glanced at his clock and decided to give Rin five more minutes and then shoot him a phone call. Bon was sure he was fine, probably just taking his time. A small part of him twinged with worry about someone attacking him, or kidnapping him, or trying to do something terrible to him….the thoughts only grew and became more persistent and Bon decided he wasn't going to make it to five minutes. He picked up his phone again and called Rin putting the phone to his. The first ring...then another...and another…
Bon bit his lip as he waited for Rin to pick up.
"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of-" Bon snapped his phone shut as he felt worry build in him along with anger. He called up Yukio, "Yeah, hey. Rin's not here. He's not picking up his phone either."
I knowww I villainized Shima I'm sorryyyyyy I love him so much thou (even if he's pissing me off in the manga rn that lil shit)