Chapter 10: Oxygen.
Noun: A colorless, odorless reactive gas, the chemical element of atomic number 8 and the life-supporting component of the air
Pairing: Leah/Jacob
Soundtrack choice: Let it be me by Ray La Montagne ( youtube watch?v=5LWpw3CMCEg)
Note : forgive me for any lingering errors. Enjoy.
"Why are you sitting in the dark?" Leah asked, one hand on the light switch and the other one on her chest as her heart raced from the surprise of an unexpected person sitting around the kitchen table.
Sue, with a cigarette in hand looked up from what appeared to be a whisky glass. "Sorry Honey, did I wake you?"
"No .I just needed a glass of water. I couldn't sleep."
"Me neither."
Leah nodded at her mother's admission and headed for the dishwasher where she took out a clean glass then ran it under the faucet and watched it fill up. She took a long steady gulp, then filled the glass up again .She went and joined her mother at the table and sat down. "Since when do you smoke cigarettes?"
Sue smiled and took a long drag. "Remember the summer your dad busted Seth and Embry trying out cigarettes behind the scrap yard. These are them, I meant to throw them away but never got round to it."
Leah reached over and took the 6 year old cigarette from her mother's hand. She studied it, watching the tiny embers glow as they ignited and fell to ash. She put the cigarette to her lips and took a small drag, letting the smoke invade her throat and lungs, slowly she exhaled ,careful not to splutter and cough. "Gross."
Sue nodded.
Leah put the cigarette out, picked up the nearly full pack of cigarettes in front of her mother and ceremoniously threw them in the bin. "You should be sleeping; you're getting married in the morning."
"Yep, I'm getting married in the morning." Sue agreed but without any of the joy of a soon-to-be bride, instead she sighed labouredly and took a sip from the glass in front of her. Leah could tell the events of the evening had been playing on her mother's mind.
"I'm sorry about tonight; I wanted it to be perfect for you and Charlie .If I had known Billy was going to say all of that I wouldn't have invited him." Leah couldn't help but feel guilty.
Sue reached over the table and patted Leah's hand "Honey, Just one of those things. It's not your fault."
Oh but it is. Leah thought to herself.
Leah felt heavy again. Just another thing to add to the pile of other people's unhappiness that she could be blamed for.
Sue had refused to talk to Charlie as she collected her bag and coat, instead she had exited the bathroom and sailed right past him and their guests demanding that Leah take her home. It had been Leah who had given Charlie a reassuring pat on the back and whispered 'Everything will be alright tomorrow, just give her some space.'
Seth promised to get a ride with Angel and Miguel so Leah set off. On the drive back home Sue hadn't said anything and so neither had Leah. Instead Leah anxiously watched her mother through the rear view mirror. Sue sat next to Harri, but sat with her eyes closed and her head back. Once they had arrived home, Sue had silently taken off her high heels and trudged upstairs where she silently closed her bedroom door behind her. That had been a couple of hours ago.
"You know, Billy was my first…" Sue said suddenly, very matter of factly, more to herself than to Leah. She let the words hang there in the air between them.
Leah paused,trying to comprehend the non-sequitur. First what? It took a couple of seconds for Leah to understand what her mother meant but once she did, she gasped, which didn't seem to faze Sue who seemed trance-like but continued to talk.
"…He was so beautiful back then. I mean, really beautiful…Tall and Broad shouldered. Gorgeous skin, and the longest silkiest jet black hair I'd ever seen. All the girls were crazy about him…" Sue stopped for a second and smiled at a long forgotten memory.
Leah was shocked but intrigued ,She tried but failed to reconcile a teenage Sue and Billy with the middle aged parents she knew them now to be. She watched her mother regress back to yesteryear but said nothing, silently willing her to continue the stream of consciousness that she had begun.
"…He was always so serious and intense, always studying or talking about the legend of Ephraim Black and the Tribal council but every once in a while I'd make him smile or laugh and it was like the first day of spring, butterflies …" Sue bit her lip and locked eyes with Leah. "You know, Jacob has that same smile."
Leah nodded. When it came to Jacob's smile she knew all about the butterflies.
"…When he asked me to the spring dance I almost died, and after that we were in inseparable, I'd tell my mom I was hanging out with my girlfriends Dana or Vivian and we'd spend weekends listening to the radio and making out in his truck." Sue shook her head and laughed, which in turn made Leah laugh.
"On homecoming night we drove down to the beach and made love for the first time, right there on the sand. Completely unplanned. It was perfect." Sue blushed.
Leah couldn't believe what she was hearing. Parts of this story sounded way too familiar.
"…It was a windy night, but I don't ever remember being cold. He was so gentle and kind and warm." Sue stopped talking and took a sip of her drink, shrugged. "But, it wasn't meant to be."
Leah's face crumpled, "He broke your heart,huh?"
Sue shook her head "No. I broke his. I left him for your father."
"Mom!" Leah cried in mock consternation.
Sue released a hollow laugh. "I was young. I just wanted to laugh and dance all day, Billy was 17 going on 45, a high -schooler with a life plan .His seriousness became too oppressive for my 17 year old mind."
Leah leant back in her chair and locked her hands behind her head. Why had she not known all of this before? "Was he really upset?"
Sue nodded. "Your father and Billy stopped being friends for a long while. Then he met Sarah and had kids, and your father and I got married and had you and Seth. See, it all worked out in the end. No hard feelings…"
This made Leah smile. It spoke of the kind of man Billy Black was. So graceful and Brave. It reminded her a great deal of her own predicament, of Emily and Sam and the pain that paled in comparison to what she felt whenever she thought of Jacob Black.
"I loved your father deeply. Don't ever think for one second, that I regret a single moment of my life with him and you kids, but there was always the smallest part of me that wondered what Life would have been like if I had made a different choice, if I'd been Susan Black and not Susan Clearwater."
Leah watched her mother and welled up a little, she didn't doubt for a second the love and years her parents had spent together,nor did she doubt the love that Billy and Sarah had shared but she could easily detect the wistful tone of her mother's voice and the faraway expression on her mother's face when she spoke of Billy now. Leah knew somewhere deep down that what her mother had felt for Billy Black had never really died, instead it had lain dormant under life stuff. But tonight, it had been awakened.
"Do you think badly of me?" Sue asked earnestly.
Leah wiped away the small tear that had slid down her face and hung from her chin. "No mama, I could never think badly of you."
Sue studied her beautiful daughter who looked so very sad, "There's something I've been wanting to ask you."
"Shoot."
"This thing with you and Jacob…" Sue hesitated on the question before she bit the bullet "…Was it just a one night thing for you or was it more?"
Leah gulped, "It wasn't just a one night thing for either of us, it was everything."
And so Leah told her mother everything. Once her mouth opened she found that she couldn't stop speaking ,the words falling hard and fast like vomit as she purged herself of the details she had kept close to her heart. From how she left the party, to Jacob following her down to the beach, to her snap decision to leave. Everything.
Once she had finished she found herself breathless and light headed. Sue hadn't interrupted once, just nodded occasionally. Leah closed her eyes, scared of what her mother would say, scared of being judged. When she finally summons the courage to open her eyes to look at her mother she saw nothing but warmth. Sue exhaled softly, "What the hell is it with Clearwater women and 'Black' men , huh?"
Leah couldn't help but laugh at the double entendre.
"Jacob doesn't know that you love him. You have to tell him." Sue urged, tenderly.
"Why?" Leah asked. It all seemed so pointless now. She was leaving for California the day after the wedding, Jacob hated her and besides, he seemed reasonably happy with his life. Maybe it was better for him to believe that what he felt was one-sided.
Sue sighed, "Because your love belongs to him, just like his belongs to you. You chose not to accept his but at least he gave you a choice, you gave him nothing."
"Do I love him though? Imprinting isn't love."
"Loving someone isn't a choice anyone makes, baby." Sue gently stroked Leah's cheek, "Imprinting or falling in love, it's all just semantics. It all amounts to the same thing .Loving another soul so entirely that it's hard to tell where theirs ends and yours begins. But I think you already know that…" Sue tilted Leah's chin upwards to force Leah to look at her. Leah nodded and Sue released her, satisfied.
"Go get your keys." Sue stood up. She said hands on hips, a steely determination glinting through her eyes.
Leah looked up at her mother, confused.
"I doubt either one of us is going to get much sleep tonight, so I think we should do something about it."
"Like What?"Leah asked.
"I need to talk to Billy and you most certainly need to talk to the father of your child."
Leah was mortified."Mom, it's just after midnight."
"I don't care. Get your keys!"
-x-
Sitting outside of the darkened Black residence in Leah's Chevy 84, Sue rubbed her hands. Leah watched her mother, trying to figure out whether it was the January cold or the nerves that had Sue rubbing her hands together over and over again. Leah hoped it was the nerves, because maybe she'd be allowed to turn the car around.
Sue caught Leah's eye, shook her head, undid her seatbelt and stepped out of the car .Leah morbidly did the same. Once at the front door Sue knocked once, hard.
The door opened on the first knock. There sat Billy Black, staring up at them expectantly, without a shred of surprise.
Leah studied Billy's bruised face. Something about him told Leah that he hadn't been able to sleep either, from the looks of it he'd been sitting in the dark too. Almost as if he'd been waiting for them to show up.
"We need to talk." Sue said simply, stepping into the house as Billy wheeled himself backwards to allow his visitor's entry.
Once inside, Leah stared in the direction of Jacob's bedroom, "Is Jacob around?"
"Yes." Billy said, "He's out back in the shed."
Weird, Leah thought. At this time of night?
Billy caught her expression, "He doesn't sleep through the night anymore, and he hasn't for almost 3 years now. So, he prefers to sleep in the car shed, that way he can nap and work."
Leah nodded at her mother before excusing herself, softly closing the door behind. Once outside she held her breath and leant against the door to calm her nerves. Inside the house she couldn't make out the sound of any talking but could hear what seemed to be a chair being pulled out from under the kitchen table.
The walk to the shed seemed to be the longest of Leah's life.
Leah was surprised to see the shed was lit up by lamps, emanating a welcoming glow from the windows as the faint sound of Ray LaMontagne filled the midnight air.
"Rachel, I told you I don't need any coffee."Jacob had his back to her when she entered, and was crouched down, shining the chassis of a car.
Leah cleared her throat. "Good, cos' I didn't bring you any."
The sound of her voice gave him reason to pause for a second. Leah hated the way he visibly tensed whenever she was in his proximity. He stood up and slowly turned around to face her. "Leah?"
"Jacob." She said quietly, stepping forward slightly.
"What's wrong? Is it Harri?" Jacob asked. Something approaching fear dancing in his eyes.
Leah held up her hands, " …She's fine, absolutely fine. She's at home fast asleep."
"Oh."He said, eyeing her suspiciously like an enemy encroaching on his territory. "Then what are you doing here?"
Leah took a deep breath. "I have something to say to you. Something that couldn't wait."
She had a whole spiel planned in her head, not a hugely articulate one, as she'd only had the 10 minute drive to think it up, but one that would suffice in communicating the inner turmoil that had propelled her actions. A speech that begged forgiveness and yielded second chances, she hoped. But standing here, staring into the eyes of the man she craved, the words seemed to escape her.
"What is it?",Jacob braced himself. When it came to Leah Clearwater he never knew what he was going to get. Today a slap, tomorrow an ass kicking, the day after ?…who knew. Right now he wasn't so sure, but she was different tonight. Her chocolate brown orbs were liquid and warm.
Any fear Leah had previously had seemed to melt away under the gaze of her beloved. She wanted him. She had always wanted him. Being able to suddenly admit that empowered her, because he wanted her too. Despite the emotional and physical distance Jacob tried to maintain she could feel it. She could feel the want and the need. She could feel his soul whispering to her, beckoning to her to come closer. Leah decided that actions were needed, because words were clumsy; words lead to misunderstanding and right now she needed to be completely understood. She inched closer to Jacob. So hypnotised was he by the warmth emanating from the woman his soul desired, he hadn't noticed that she hadn't said a word ,that she had inched closer to him, and that she was now stroking his face with unadulterated tenderness. The look in her eyes had clearly thrown him off, and now his eyes were searching and almost scared.
So Leah did the only thing she knew how to do. She gently put her hands on either side of Jacob's head and brought his mouth softly down to hers. He didn't resist.
T.B.C