His mom's hands are tight on the steering wheel, her face pinched as she drives. Considering how his mom had barely said a word to him the previous evening, Connor's hoping the silent treatment will continue and keeps his gaze focused out the window, his shoulders hunched close to his ears.
Sadly, they've barely made it a few feet before his mom opens her mouth.
"You've got to stop doing this Connor," she says tersely. She then takes a deep breath, as if preparing herself. "You abused my trust. Again," she continues, as if it isn't recycled material and he hadn't had it all yelled at him from his loving father, who'd finally gathered the balls to step into his room. Oh, he knows exactly what 'your mother and I are going through Connor.'
What a hard life it is for the both of them.
"I was ill the first few days," Connor mutters sullenly because he might not have been ill in the 'traditional' sense but there was no fucking way he'd have made it through Monday without a psychotic breakdown if he'd stayed in that hell-hole. When Connor had attempted to explain this to Larry (with the minimum detail required because hell if he was going to spill his fucking dirtiest and darkest secrets to the asshole), he'd just scoffed, not even considered believing him for a second, and proceeded to list of the rest of the ways Connor had screwed up his, and the rest of the family's, lives.
As if he didn't already know.
"I want to believe you Connor, I do," his mom replies and for a moment she sounds so desperate that Connor feels…not bad, per say, but sympathetic almost. "But how can I when the next day you tell me you'll be in school and then I have them call asking me if you're still sick? I lied for you Connor, because I don't want to be known as the parent who can't control her child, it's bad enough as it is, but I won't have it happen again. Do you know I almost called the cops? I was that worried Connor! And then you tell me you're late, late hah! That you're late because you drove Evan home? I like that boy and I hope you're not being a bad influence on him."
Connor snorts. "He's immune to my demonic powers," he replies sarcastically and his mom swerves a little abruptly on the next turn.
"This isn't a joke Connor!" She snaps. "I thought…I thought you were getting better."
Ha. Better. "Well surprise mom, there's no magic cure for me being a shitty son."
"You're not a…'shitty son'!" His mom cries and it's the swearing more than anything which stuns him. It's one of the things she used to be most on his case about in the early days, before Connor eventually desensitized her to it. "You're not," she repeats quieter. "You're my son and I want to help you. I just…I don't know how to. I don't…what's wrong?"
Connor shifts in his seat. He can think of a lot of things that aren't right, like how his brain seems to be hardwired different to everyone else's, how he's been known as the school freak ever since he threatened to throw a printer at a teacher who'd made one of the few friends he'd had back then cry, how he can never live up to what everyone expects him to be.
Connor's already tried explaining this to his parents, back when it hadn't been so bad, when it hadn't been the anvil threatening to crush his very existence. It hadn't worked then so there's no point trying again where the possibility of a quick fix now is fucking hilarious.
In the end, all he says is, "I don't know."
School is the shit show he expected and he's got a private fucking balcony for it. Now that he's back, whatever whispers Evan said had died down are back at full force. He notices the turned heads, the concealed mouths behind hands. He knows what they're saying about him, how their judging him when the reality is they're all probably just jealous of him. He's heard the girls fantasize about their soulmates and well would you look at that, Connor Murphy fucking beat them too it. It must be real hard for them. Connor feels for them. Really.
He tries, for both his and Evan's sake, to pretend that it doesn't get to him but it looks like all the emotions he's been trying to desperately suppress these last years have finally broken free because they're a constant presence and they all fucking suck.
As he's on his way to math, a kid looks like he's about to approach and Connor ends up baring his teeth, letting out a fuck off so quiet and vicious that even if the kid hadn't been coming towards him he sure decided to find a different route quickly. The urge to skip again is there, to just run out of school and ignore anyone who tried to stop him, run until he was far, far away from this place but he'd promised his mom.
More importantly, he'd promised Evan.
Connor doodles in math, dozes in business and actually focuses in art, the one elective he'd been allowed to choose himself. That doesn't mean he's good at it, or that he follows the rules, but Miss Sellar – a long haired, brightly dressed woman who acts like she's permanently high – is a pretty cool teacher.
"That's a very interesting piece of work there Connor," comes Miss Sellar's lyrical voice to his right. On his A3 paper is a water color picture of space, with purple, green and blue swirls mixed in with the inky black background, stars of gold and silver dotted around and imaginary planets floating in between. It's not perfect, but anything he does now is a helluva lot nicer in color.
"Try to stay on topic next time, hm?" So, the actual brief of today's class was to do something inspired by a famous building or landmark. Connor had deemed that dull as fuck.
He doesn't tell her that though, he just says, "Sure Miss Sellar," as he often does and she offers him a brief smile before drifting off towards the next student. With 10 minutes left to go, Connor thinks about what else he could add. After a moment chewing on the inside of his cheek, Connor paints Pluto in the corner, a tiny not planet that got fucked over just because a bunch of insignificant humans decided so.
If it's colored Evan's favorite shade too, well, that's just a coincidence.
He and Evan don't share many frees together, but they happen to have one together that morning which they spend hidden away in one of the emptier study rooms. Evan works on some biology homework and Connor, not understanding what the hell it's on about and not wanting to, chooses to take a nap, hiding his face in his folded arms. It's relaxing, almost, the hushed, innocent, murmurs of the two nerds on the other side of the room and the scratch of Evan's pen against paper. It's quiet moments like this that aren't so terrible.
Then, of course, someone has to go and ruin it.
"Oh Evan, Connor, I was hoping I'd find you two!"
Connor muffles a groan. He doesn't actually hate Alana Beck, not like he hates the majority of the school population, but he was so close to sleep that it physically hurts lifting his head back up again, the white shine of the lights above making him wince.
"A-Alana. Hey. What did you want to see us about?"
There's the scrape of the chair as Alana sits down opposite them, her pile of books, folders and random bits of paper landing on the table with a loud thud.
"So, I heard what happened, it's pretty hard not to, but I just wanted to confirm with you guys that you are soulmates, right?"
Both he and Evan flinch. "What of it?" Connor asks harshly.
Alana's eyes widen. "Oh, I'm not judging you or anything! I think it's nice, finding your soulmate so young. The chances are incredible. …Anyway, as you can guess, that's kind of the reason I'm here. It's horrible, what some of the kids have been saying, how they've been acting and I've been thinking about how I can try and improve things because…it's not right. You shouldn't be ashamed nor should you have to put up with it. I've noticed that as a school, we're less a community and more a collection of cliques. People are only friends with those in their group, very few people branch out. So, I'm having a party, a party where people won't be able to rely on people of their groups so much, where they can talk to people they might not otherwise talk to without the pressures of the school setting."
"A party?" Connor says skeptically. "You sure that's a good idea? Parties usually consist of booze and people doing shit they regret the next morning, not kids making cute buddies with each other."
"I've got a select guest list," Alana replies promptly. "Only people I know and trust will come and it just so happens I have quite a broad range of friends. I'm not part of a social group myself."
No shit, Connor politely refrains from saying.
"And you want to invite u-us?" Evan asks.
Alana shrugs sheepishly. "Well, you guys were my inspiration for this whole thing. I just think it's awful how you've been treated and I know it could be a long shot, I've, um, not actually thrown a party before, my first thought was actually some kind of campaign, but if there's a chance it could be good, good for you and a few other people in the school then it's worth a shot, right?"
Connor snorts. "Sorry to burst your bubble but I'm grounded. Indefinitely."
"Oh," Alana frowns. "Well, I'd set the date for this Saturday but since you guys are the first I've come to about it, I can always postpone it. I'd really like you guys to be there."
A moment of silence. And then-
"We'll go!" Evan bursts out and both Connor and Alana turn to him in surprise. "I-if Connor's allowed to."
Alana beams. "Great! Let me know, yeah? And I'll work around it. I really hope to see you both there."
With that, she flies out the room and Connor turns to Evan with a raised eyebrow. "We'll go, huh?"
Evan flushes. "Sorry, I just panicked and when I panic I tend to say whatever and sometimes it's what the person wants to hear and…Alana just looked so disappointed and it-it was nice, her wanting us there."
Connor sighs. He can't even find it within himself to be even slightly annoyed. What is the world coming to? "I didn't take you for a party person," he says.
"Uh, I'm not." Evan scratches the back of his neck. "I've er, I've never actually been to a party before, apart from when I was little. No one's ever invited me."
Well shit. "Do you actually want to go?"
Evan all of a sudden gets real interested in labelling a diagram of an ear. "Well, I mean, I'm not sure what parties are really like, like I said I've not been to one but, uh, I guess if I had to go to one, a party at Alana's house wouldn't be so bad. And I suppose…I've always wondered what it would be like. I just never figured I'd ever get invited to one."
"That doesn't really answer the question," Connor says wryly and Evan pauses, picking at his cast.
"I wouldn't mind," he says quietly. "But-but if you don't want to go, that's fine! And of course your parents might not let you go so I-I could just go alone. I could do that."
God, Connor can practically see the anxiety that thought is causing Evan to experience. He sighs, settling back into his folded arms.
"I'm not making any promises," he says, "but we'll see."
Evan doesn't answer but when Connor quickly glances up, he sees a small, pleased smile on his face. Letting out a quiet huff, Conner wonders what the fuck is wrong with him, even considering talking to his parents about this.
As he finally falls into a nap, the image of Evan's smile is burnt into his brain.
Evan told Connor how Kleinman had tried to 'apologize'. While he hadn't got much detail on Evan's response, it had been enough for him to realize that Evan's spine was growing. Connor almost feels proud.
As such, he's surprised to find that douchebag at their spot again, waiting for them. He's like a flea - tiny, annoying and in need of someone to flick him the fuck off to Australia. That's if they don't crush him first, like Connor's real tempted to do.
"What are you doing here Kleinman?" he spits out, his body unconsciously shifting in front of Evan's.
Kleinman holds out his hands in a pacifying gesture. "I didn't come here to fight. Listen, I know I fucked up and I did a shitty job of apologizing for it on Tuesday. So, here I am, trying again. I'm sorry. To you Evan and to you too Connor…but mostly to Evan. You didn't deserve the crap you got for my stupidity."
"Why did you do it?" Comes Evan voice behind him, quiet and ever so slightly broken. It makes fire burn through Connor, fire he wants to use to get Kleinman's ass away from their spot but fuck, Evan deserves an explanation, even if it is a pile of stinking bullshit.
Jared weakly shrugs. "I guess…I was mad, okay? I know we've never talked much, at least, not about the serious stuff, but you were always there and…and a part of me figured, hey, at least if I was alone and soulmate-less then at least Evan was too."
"Wow, what a fantastic excuse. You know, I didn't think it was possible for you to become more of an asshole," Connor says and Kleinman briefly glares at him.
"Let me finish, okay? So yeah, I get that that's a fucked up of me to think, when haven't I fucked up these days, right, but it might come as a surprise that I'm not always the confident, amazing Jared Kleinman. Turns out I'm more the desperate, pathetic Jared Kleinman who couldn't handle the fact that his only friend found his soulmate before him and finally had a reason not to put up with him anymore. So, the truth is I was jealous okay? I knew that no matter what I'd always have you to fall back on but then suddenly, I didn't."
"…You're not just saying all this because your mom's stopping paying your insurance, are you?" Evan asks and Kleinman snorts.
"My mom doesn't even know yet so, no. I'm doing this because I'd like to think that we were sorta, maybe, kinda friends before I pulled that shit and what I'm saying is, it would be cool if we could go back to it. You know. Being friends." Kleinman shoves his hands into his pockets and Connor secretly delights in how pained and uncomfortable he looks. And he deserves it. He can't wait for Evan to-
"Not just family friends?" Evan says and Connor spins around, expression incredulous.
"You're not seriously considering being friends with him again, are you? He's a dick!"
Evan raises his shoulders weakly while Kleinman barks out a cough that sounds suspiciously like 'Pot, kettle.'
"I've not forgiven you Jared, not yet," Evan explains quietly. "What you did, it really hurt, but if you are sorry then…I guess I'll think about it. I didn't mind how it was before so much but it'd be nicer if we were actually friends. And I guess I'm sorry for ignoring you, even though it was because I was worried you'd do what you did."
Kleinman folds in on himself while Connor silently seethes. How could Evan forgive this piece of shit? Then again, that was just Evan. He wasn't like Connor. Fuck knows what this would have been like if he had been.
Evan's kindness is a double edged sword that's pierced through both Connor's and Kleinman's hearts.
"You don't have to apologise man. Listen, I'll leave you to your…whatever and I won't, like, interrupt you again or anything. Hit me up if you wanna talk or something Evan. See ya."
"See you Jared."
Kleinman finally leaves then (thank fuck) and when Connor turns back to Evan, he finds that though there's a slump to his shoulders, he doesn't look that upset.
"You really thinking about talking to him?" Connor asks, trying to keep the judgement out of his voice and failing just a bit.
"It's like my mom said, I don't have many friends. I may as well keep the ones I can."
"Better to have no friends than asses like him though," Connor points out as they sit down.
"I know but…I've known Jared my whole life, almost," Evan begins. "When we were little and things like social status and being cool didn't matter so much, it was good, fun. He was my best friend. He was there when my dad left and everything. And…and in the whole time I've known Jared, he's never apologized. This is the first time." He pauses then and picks a bit of dirt off his cast. "I think he's changing for the better and I wanna be around to see it because I remember how things used to be. …Does it bother you? I know it wasn't just me he hurt."
"I don't like him, but I'm not gonna stop you doing shit. That's not cool," Connor states bluntly. "Although, if he ever pulls a stunt like that again I will fuck him up and there will be no holding me back."
To Connor's surprise, Evan laughs. "Got it."
Wondering if Evan got hit in the head when he wasn't looking, he mutters, "Good."
The leaves crackle beneath Connor's hands as he pulls out his lunch, becoming redder now that Autumn has finally settled in. Soon, they'll be surrounded by leaves and that thought triggers a memory, a memory from years ago of him and Zoe building piles of dusty red leaves only to immediately jump into them afterwards. It had been fun, right up until they'd built a pile in the wrong place and Connor's knee had hit a rock leaving a gash that was only just shallow enough to not need stitches. It'd had been okay though, because even though it had hurt like a son of a bitch, his mom had immediately taken care of it, cleaning it gently and wrapping it up securely. Even though Connor had been adamant he was too old for it, his mom had pressed a kiss on the wound and then one of his forehead, calling him her brave boy.
Connor's not brave anymore. He's a coward. There's Evan considering giving his trust back Kleinman and Connor can't even find it within himself to have a decent conversation with his sister, can't tell his parents how he's more fucked up than either of them think.
He needs a distraction, pronto, and before Connor realizes it, he's got his phone out.
"What're you doing?" Evan asks and Connor takes a moment to answer, debating on the best angle before settling on a position that keeps out the glare of the sun but has it hit the leaves in a way that you can clearly see the blend of green to auburn, something he's never before been able to appreciate.
"Taking a photo. I used to be really into that shit."
He snaps the picture and away goes his phone. He then realizes Evan's looking at him weirdly.
"What?"
"Nothing. I just…I guess I don't really know anything about your hobbies."
For some reason, Connor's cheeks burn. "It's not a hobby. At least, not any more. I had a camera, a good one, a few years ago and then…then it broke." He doesn't say it's because he broke it but he gets the feeling Evan knows. "And I guess after that I didn't see the point in keeping it up."
"Don't you still enjoy it?" Evan asks and Connor shrugs.
"I guess?"
"Then even if you just use your phone it's still a hobby. You don't need a fancy camera."
"Looks better though," Connor says quietly. Sure, the quality of phone cameras had improved but they never got close to that old Canon camera he'd had. Fuck, the crispness of those had been incredible. At the time, all he'd had to play with were shades of grey and positioning. He wonders what sort of shots he'd have been able to get with it now, with all that color. It's been a while since Connor had regretted destroying the one present he'd been excited to receive but it hits him now like a sledgehammer.
"I like trees," Evan exclaims spontaneously. Or, maybe not so spontaneously, as he follows up with, "That's my hobby. Trees, looking at them, studying them. And…and I like writing too. I think maybe one day I'll write a book about them."
Though Connor silently wonders who would read that apart from Evan (and okay, fuck it maybe him if Evan asked) he says, "Why not? Don't people say you can be whatever you want?" Apart from an actor, an artist, a singer…a photographer.
"It's scary sometimes, thinking about the future," Evan admits quietly and Connor nods.
"It's why I don't," he lies.
Thank you to everyone who reviews, I read them all and they make me so so happy and grateful. Also thank you to those who have already favourited this fic, I hope it doesn't disappoint :)