For the second night a row Tyler doesn't sleep and he can't foresee a time in the near future when he will.
As he'd listened to Mason weave some insane tale about werewolves, and full moons and how he himself, Tyler, was tied into all of this, his mind had been spinning, but now it's at a standstill.
Focused.
He hasn't moved from his spot on the bed since he'd fallen into it about ten hours ago. He hadn't moved when he heard his mother wake up and get ready for the day, hadn't moved when she knocked on his door softly, and asked if he wasn't going to school today. Hadn't corrected her when she came in and sat on the edge of his bed, waxing poetic about missing his father too, and that she understood if he needed a day off.
He hadn't seen his uncle since he'd handed over the stone, leaving the office in a daze.
A werewolf.
He, Mason, the Lockwood men, they all had or have a gene that turns them into werewolves. On a full moon, his uncle was going to turn into a totally different species and Tyler could too, if the cards fell that way.
Tyler had been angry at first when he'd heard this explanation. Did Mason really think he was that stupid? That he would buy this shit; that he wasn't just an angry teenage guy, but he was a teenage guy who's anger was mostly attributed to a gene that turned him into a dog?
He'd been inclined to just get up and leave. To just hand the stone over and forget it all if Mason didn't want him to know the truth this badly, more than happy to think that this fucking moonstone was all part of some crazy hippie drug ring, and they all licked it to get high and surf to the gods or some shit, but it seemed as if once Mason had let the truth out he couldn't stop. He couldn't let Tyler walk away until he was sure he believed the story; believed that there were other dangers in Mystic Falls, dangers that he refused to name but still warned against. Believed that he needed to be careful because even though he wasn't a werewolf now, he could be one one day.
And this is where Tyler's brain was stuck. Mason had warned him about this, had said "you won't be able to get it out of your head" over and over again, but Tyler had insisted that is uncle just tell him.
And now here he was, laying motionless on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, unable to think about anything else.
He has to kill someone.
He has to kill someone to become another animal entirely. He has to spill human blood to become a monster. A predator.
Tyler wishes that he'd listened to Mason when he said he didn't want to know, or, at least, Mason could have explained it better. Hadn't made it sound like it would only stick in his mind because it was such a horrible prospect. Tyler wishes that Mason would have told him that the reason why it stays in your head, bouncing around, fusing itself to every brain cell, is because once you know what has to done, you want it.Want to spill that blood; that once you know, the instinct to do so consumes you, pushing up against your skin, urging you to go hurt someone.
But he assumes that if Mason's 'turning' story can tell him anything it is that his uncle might not know about the bloodlust; he'd killed that guy by accident. He hadn't meant to and it had all happened so quickly that Mason didn't have time to meditate on the fact. He'd had no idea what was happening until it did. He hadn't had a choice.
But Tyler does.
It doesn't feel like it, with his brain somehow now gearing itself to think towards fulfilling his base instinct -and he still can't believe that this is his base instinct, something barely short of a murderer lying dormant until now - but he does have the choice. And if he concentrates hard enough, the urge to hurt - to kill - fades away, simmering slightly in his blood like a mild hunger that can't be fulfilled with food, but right now Tyler doesn't ignore it.
He lets his mind fill with the thoughts of killing and changing - imagines how powerful he would feel after his bones and sinews break, adjust, and reform. How fast he would be.
He tells himself its because he wants to be able to recognize when his mind wanders towards the dangerous, that the reason he allows these things to run rampant in his mind is so that he can protect innocent bystanders, but he knows deep down he lets it simmer because it's easier. It's what his body was built to do, to become, and instinct is stronger than whatever he can think up to stop it.
And he does want to stop it. Just... not as much as he should.
=..=..=
Jeremy wasn't being dramatic when he'd told Elena that he didn't think he'd be okay.
He honestly doesn't know if he can do this again. Deal with the whole 'the person I'm falling for is a supernatural creature' thing again. And not because that's what they are; if Jeremy is honest, it doesn't really bother him that much- it's just another thing about them, like their hair is dark or their eyes are green. No, it's the fact that being supernatural in this town means a one way ticket being brutally murdered.
And he can't lose somebody again. He and Vicky had been on the road to getting better and then she was ripped from him, and the fact that he couldn't remember, but had had to read about it, didn't make it hurt any less. If anything it had made him feel worse, not being able to remember, to reconcile her death with seeing it, and an old flare up of anger at Elena makes itself known, but he pushes it down. This isn't the time. And then there was Anna, God, he can still remember her smile. Slow to come, but when it did it lit up a room. Her porcelain skin, and thick dark hair underneath his fingertips, and Jeremy can still remember her lips on his. But then she was taken away too, right in front of him. Dragged away and he didn't see her again, and would never see her again.
And now Tyler... Tyler was going to be thrown until this whole thing too. He was going to play a part in this madness more likely than not (because Jeremy wasn't fool enough to think that Tyler won't trigger the gene somehow. Especially if he didn't know what set it off in the first place.) and Jeremy can't do a thing about it.
His chest tightens at the thought; at the thought of losing Tyler, of having to see him dragged away, or killed in front of him. He's just started... he can't. He just can't see himself being able to deal with it, can't imagine not seeing him, or touching him. Because if he is honest with himself, and doesn't let his fear get the best of him, he will admit that he's starting to... fall for Tyler. Actually falling in love with Tyler Lockwood and that's not a weird sounding thought at all. But no matter how odd it sounds either in his head or on the tip of his tongue, it's the truth, and Jeremy can't stomach the scenario where he and Tyler aren't together because Tyler is gone. Dead despite Jeremy's attempts in keeping him in the dark about the strange occurrences in Mystic Falls.
And that's another thing; even though he knows that he's not responsible for any of this, Jeremy still feels guilty. Still thinks that there was someway that he could have... prevented this. And maybe he can prevent it, by telling Tyler, but he made a promise to Elena and what she asked of him makes sense, even if he doesn't like it.
He wouldn't know what to say anyway. How to start to tell Tyler about everything, and it is because of this complete and utter lack of any idea of what to say that he doesn't go straight to Lockwood mansion when he realizes his boyfriend isn't in school.
This and the fact that he needs to be alone right now.
But that doesn't stop the anxiousness he's been feeling all day – what if something happened last night when he got back home? What if Mason demanded the stone and Tyler refused to hand it over? Would Mason really hurt him? The questions roll around his head prompting him to abandon his locker after second period and make his way to the school exit. Jeremy is halfway to the double doors leading outside, having already decided to skip third period, when another idea occurs to him; what if Tyler is fine? What if he just needed a day off to think, or maybe he just overslept?
Before this wouldn't have made a difference; Jeremy would have still gone over there – forget the rest of classes and spend the day alone with Tyler – but he finds he can't imagine doing that right now. Not when he has this huge secret he's keeping from him, not when he suspects that just looking at Tyler right now will tie his stomach in unpleasant knots.
He still skips third period - he just does it in the library. His fingers skim the spines of books who's titles or implications all have the word 'werewolf' in common but he feels ridiculous for it. The last time he researched the supernatural it was for a school project, and at the time he didn't believe in the subject matter. But now, here he is less than six months later 'browsing' again; the only difference is he's intending to apply anything he can find to his life.
But the library yields no results, instead giving him fantasy novels, and empty shelf space where Blood and Chocolate should be. He didn't really expect to find a manual entitled 'So Now Your Boyfriend May Become A Werewolf' but he'd hoped he'd find something useful.
When the last bell rings, the noise finds Jeremy on the library couch. He sighs and heads out, not bothering to stop by his locker (he didn't go to any classes today, anyway). He contemplates going to the Lockwood's now, but he can't muster up enough courage to do it. He wants to see Tyler, his fingers itch to run themselves through the short brown hair, but he knows that if he's around him he'll let everything come out, and apparently that would cause mass confusion to the mystical creatures that reside here. He rolls his eyes.
He stands on the huge lawn, the wind picking up his hair and students swarm around him, and finally, feeling as if he's failed some important test, he turns to head home.