don't touch my hand and call it love
you said it was over, and then cried and cried; you were gone before i said goodbye.

11.

Sakura wakes up the next morning, feeling thoroughly rested. The curtains are pulled back and the sun is shining through, already very high in the sky. Her eyes widen and she shoots up, throwing her covers back.

"Decided to come out of hibernation?" Her head turns and she sees Sasuke sitting cross-legged on his bed, various weapons categorically placed around him. He's sharpening them.

"What time is it?" she asks groggily, running a hand through her hair. It was still wet when she fell asleep last night—she's sure there's a bird's nest on her head right now, even more so because her hair is actually brown.

"Nearing noon."

Her eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets. "Why didn't you wake me up?" she exclaims. "We already wasted half a day!"

"There's nothing we could have done up until now," Sasuke replies, not even looking up at her. "I'm still waiting for Yuko to report back to me, and until then, we're on standby. If you're really that tired, then you should spend that time resting." Yuko must be the snake that he summoned last night. Sakura pulls herself out of bed and crawls onto Sasuke's, carefully avoiding all of the sharp blades as she settles down at the foot of the bed where there is nothing that can cut through her flesh.

"So you've just been sharpening weapons all morning?"

"I also got a map from downstairs." Sasuke reaches over and grabs a brochure from the bedside table and hands it to her. "I've marked out escape routes on there; take a look at it." Sakura unfolds the brochure. Inside is a map meant for tourists, giving the general geographical area around the village. It has been drawn on by Sasuke in a thick black marker, circles and arrows here and there, all coming from the village they're staying in, right in the middle of the page.

Sasuke talks as she inspects the map. "South from here is a dense forest, no doubt with a few rivers running through it. Escaping through there back to Konoha is probably the safest option. If for some reason why can't return to Konoha, we can always go southeast through the River Country and to Suna for the time being, or north through the Valley of the End and into the Rice Field Country."

"Rice Field Country?" Sakura frowns. "Right into enemy territory?" The Rice Field Country used to be at peace with the Fire Country, but that was before Orochimaru took control of it. Now, there is still tension between the two nations even though Orochimaru is long gone.

"I know the terrain," Sasuke says. "We'll be fine. But that's the last option—I doubt that we'll have to resort to it."

"I hope not," Sakura mutters. She did not anticipate so many potential failures for this mission to the point where they would have to hide in the Rice Field Country.

So this is what Sasuke meant by "there's nothing we could have done up until now", huh? What he actually meant was "there's nothing we could have done that I could've done without you", right? Sakura frowns, folding up the brochure once she's memorized the escape routes. Not wanting to start her day off on such a bad note, she decides to go brush her teeth and get cleaned up.

It's only then that she notices that Sasuke isn't sharpening his own weapons. He's sharpening hers.

Her weapons pouch is sitting near his pillow—she knows it's hers because beside it, Sasuke's laid out the plastic vials of poison that she personally created to soak her senbon with. It paralyzes the victim and destroys the medulla oblongata, simultaneously killing pain receptors and shutting down all autonomic functions. It's the easiest, most painless death she can possibly give.

Her irritation disappears immediately at this, and she wonders what prompted Sasuke to sharpen her weapons for her. It's a little chauvinistic in a way, but it still moves her just because it's Sasuke.

(Without his memories, he will always be a little more like her happily-ever-after.)

She wonders how things became this way.

She hugs her knees against her chest, watching him continue his menial job. "Hey, Sasuke-kun…are you okay with this?"

"What do you mean?" He doesn't spare her a glance.

"I could understand if you didn't want to serve the village, but you followed Shishou's orders without even questioning her. Aren't you more concerned about who wiped your memory?"

He takes his time answering, each word articulated and thought out before he says them. "I haven't forgotten about that. But I can't do anything from within the village. And I am not pledging loyalty to Konoha again—I broke that trust once, and it's not going to return. I'm merely doing my duty as a person who lives there—I should at least contribute if I don't plan to leave for the time being. It's the basic principle of life."

Sakura's heart skips a beat. "You don't plan to leave?"

"Do I have a reason to?" He looks up at her now, and she swallows. His eyes are clear—the most honest she's ever seen them. "The village can do a better investigation on my memory loss than I can, so it's only logical that I stay."

"What happens once you find out who did it to you?" She unconsciously clenches her fists. She's been so tired ever since Sasuke returned, but…she doesn't want him to go. If that's the only price she has to pay for him to stay, she wouldn't mind being tired for the rest of her life. If it means that he can rest easy at night, she'll do it.

"That depends, doesn't it?" He speaks about the matter without much care. "I can't determine what I'll do in the future if I don't even know what's going to happen."

"I hope you stay," she says quietly, hesitantly, almost hoping he doesn't hear.

If he does, then he doesn't respond. Instead, he asks, "Do you remember when I asked you to be with me?"

She laughs. "How could I forget?" After all, that was the night he kissed her. She still thinks of it sometimes—wishes that they were under different circumstances, so she could just let herself melt into his touch. She still regrets saying no sometimes, too.

"I don't mean to push the issue, but that offer still stands."

This is when Sakura freezes completely. Sasuke stops sharpening, and silence falls around them—she's almost afraid to talk, in case something irreversible spills from her lips.

(Yes.)

"And my answer still stands," she says, nearly tripping over her own words. "I don't know why we have to bring this up again."

"Last time, you said it was because I couldn't give you what you wanted me to give you." Sasuke pauses. "I thought about that for a long time. You want a proper relationship, don't you?"

"This isn't a conversation I want to have with you of all people, Sasuke-kun," she laughs, even though she's so nervous her heart is nearly pounding out of her ribcage. She's afraid that if she takes Sasuke seriously, this entire situation will become startlingly real—and she doesn't want it to be real, not after how long it took for her to get over it the first time. Despite everything, there will always be a line between her and Sasuke—and it may never disappear.

Sasuke carefully pushes all the weapons to the side, the clinking of metal against metal making her stomach do flips. "I can give you that now. Itachi is dead—I don't want to be with you for any reason other than…for me." He moves closer to her—close enough for her to feel his warmth, to hear his quiet, trembling breaths. He's trembling.

She closes her eyes, and feels every beat of her heat pulsing through her veins. "I can't." Her voice is like the rattling wind on an autumn afternoon, as dry as the leaves on the ground.

His nose nuzzles the her temple, so soft she nearly doesn't feel it. Her breath catches in her throat. "I'm sorry. For everything I've done to you. And everything I don't remember doing to you." His apology is choppy and strained—Sakura can never help but be moved by it. He's trying, even now. Where is the worth that he sees in her now that he didn't see all those years ago?

"I can't," she says again. It almost sounds like begging. Begging for him not to do this to her—not here, not now. Not ever.

"Why not?" She can feel his lips moving against her hair.

There she is, hugging her knees so tightly to her chest that she can hardly breathe. Sasuke is sitting cross-legged, facing her side; his breath against her cheek, his lips just in her peripheral vision. She can turn her head and be in the place she's wanted to be since she was twelve. It could be that easy.

If she says yes, what will her efforts up until now have been for? What was her emotional struggle for? Sasuke being here is her second chance at friendship with him, not a romantic getaway. That can never happen now. Sakura closes her eyes and tries to convince herself of this.

For a moment, both of them just breathe—Sasuke breathes in her scent, and she breathes in everything that never was.

"You can be happy with me," is the last thing Sasuke says to her before she gathers all the willpower to pull away from him. It feels like she's stepping out of a life-changing moment—one that would have had everything go in a completely different direction, if only she made the other choice. A heavy air lingers over them, and Sakura fights the urge not to cry. She has a strong willpower, but Sasuke's words can bring down entire empires.

When she looks at him, there is a mixture of disappointment and hurt on his face, but she comforts herself by remembering that he doesn't look even half as crushed as he did on the day she found him amidst the burning trees.

—

Shikamaru knocks on the door of the Hokage's office early in the morning. When he enters the room, Tsunade looks just as exhausted and sleep deprived as he does. Normally, he wouldn't even be here this early in the day, but he had trouble sleeping the night before because of what Naruto had told him.

That possibility has always existed, lingering in the back of Shikamaru's mind, but he didn't want to look into it until there was nowhere else to look.

Tsunade yawns loudly. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"I would like to request access to the second records room, Hokage-sama." Tsunade's calm demeanor immediately drops once he says this, and her lips curl into a frown.

"Why? I've read everything in it before, and there's nothing in there that would benefit you."

"That was because when you read them, you weren't looking for anything specific. And I don't mean to be rude, Hokage-sama, but I believe I may have a sharper mind than you." For a brief moment, irritation flashes across the Hokage's eyes, and Shikamaru braces himself for any sort of consequences of what he just said. He escapes his doom, though, maybe because Tsunade's still too sleepy to care—or maybe because she knows it's true.

"Alright," she finally concedes, rummaging in her drawer and tossing him a key. "Return it to me once you're done, don't talk to anyone on the way there or back, and report any findings to me."

He salutes. "Yes, ma'am."

The first records room is the one with all the general records—village history, profiles of past Hokages, architectural blueprints, you name it. The second records room is always locked, and only very few people have the key to access it. It's where the confidential records lie; any information that could be used against the village, anything that villagers would find controversial—or, in Shikamaru's case, any detailed information on the Uchiha massacre.

He fingers the key in his pocket as he makes his way to the second records room, greeting staff good morning as he passes them, all of them looking sufficiently more well rested than he is.

"I was talking to Sai a while back, and I just remembered," Naruto had told him the evening before as they were sitting atop Shikamaru's usual hill where he gazes at clouds. "He said that Sasuke wouldn't have had a reason not to return to Konoha after he killed Itachi, but he never did come back. Why do you think that is?"

The only plausible reason that Shikamaru can come up with is that Sasuke's revenge hadn't been fulfilled after all. The other possibility is simply because Sasuke didn't want to return, but that doesn't quite explain the sightings of him with his friends (friends? Accomplices, more like) constantly traveling about the nations without settling. It makes Shikamaru uneasy to think about. If killing Itachi wasn't the end of Sasuke's revenge, then what else could there be?

After having narrowed down the list of suspects that might have hostile feelings towards Sasuke, it did not slip past Shikamaru to have Konoha on the list as well. Sasuke has always been a potential threat to the village ever since he left—but Shikamaru had only wanted to look into that possibility when everything else had come to dead ends. Now that Naruto has mentioned it, though…

It may also do him some good to talk to Sai as well. Since he's part of Root, there will be things he's familiar with that Shikamaru isn't. After all, it's Sai who tipped Naruto off in the first place. Perhaps he did it intentionally? Shikamaru frowns in thought. He isn't sure, because he's never been very acquainted with Sai—he's never even been on a mission with him in the years he's known him.

Shikamaru doesn't know what he'll find in the second records room, but he knows the first place to look will be the records on the Uchiha massacre. After all, if you hit a dead end, the best place to backtrack to will be the source of it all—where it all started.

As he slips the key into the keyhole and turns the doorknob, he finds that his hands are trembling.

—

It's late evening when Yuko appears with a puff of smoke, slipping through the unmade sheets of Sasuke's bed. Sakura is in the middle of explaining the properties of some basic medicinal herbs to Sasuke. They're both sitting cross-legged on her bed, restless from not having done much all day.

"What's the situation?" Sasuke asks Yuko.

The snake's tongue pokes out of her mouth. "Their underground headquarters' circumference is almost the size of the entire village, and new tunnels are still being added. Right now, there are about thirty of them, and more are on the way from Oto."

"Thirty?" Sakura exclaims, eyes wide. "That many?"

"Where are they from?" Sasuke asks. "Do they have any identifying hitai-ate?"

"Some are from various hidden villages, but more than half are from Konoha." Yuko's voice is unnervingly quiet, smooth and silky the way a snake moves stealthily through the grass. "Do you know anything about this?"

Sasuke turns to look at Sakura, directing Yuko's question towards her. Sakura shakes her head. "I've never heard anything about that. All missing-nin from Konoha are S-class and in the bingo book—there's no reason for any of them to join forces with such a preliminary organization."

"I didn't see any familiar faces either," Yuko adds. "No sign of Akatsuki, and it doesn't seem like Oto's actions are of Orochimaru's will either."

"Then what exactly are we dealing with?" Sasuke asks brusquely. "What did you actually discover?"

Unfazed by her master's clear lack of manners, the snake says, "They plan to attack Konoha. And soon."

Sakura goes cold.

"How soon?" Sasuke's voice is hard. "I need details, Yuko—'soon' isn't going to cut it."

"Within the month. Oto forces will be here next week. They'll have enough strength by then to launch a full scale attack."

"We need…" Sakura feels faint. "We need to get back. We need to warn them."

Sasuke and Yuko continue to exchange a few words, but Sakura isn't even listening anymore; blood is rushing to her head, her heart pounding loudly in her ears like a persistent drum. Her breaths come quick and shallow.

The last time Konoha was attacked, there were severe repercussions. Sakura still has nightmares about it, sometimes—the destroyed buildings, the fallen men, the smell of burning flesh—she wasn't there when it happened, since she was with Naruto, Shikamaru and Pakkun, tracking Sasuke down, but that doesn't mean that she didn't see anything when they returned. Every single image of a safe home had shattered; from that day on, she had never quite slept as soundly in her own bed ever again. Not even the space within the four walls of her home is safe.

Sasuke's hands gripping her shoulders somehow snap her back to the present. "Sakura." He looks straight at her. "Calm down." It's only then that she realizes her hands are shaking.

"We have to go back," she says again, struggling to get out of his grip so she can begin packing. "Konoha needs to put up defenses. We need several platoons to come and preemptively strike—there's no way the two of us can deal with it ourselves. We can't let this happen to Konoha—not again—"

"Sakura." Sasuke's palms press against her face and he forcefully turns her so she's looking straight at him. "Calm. Down. We have time. We have a month."

"Yuko said within a month, not after a month." But her paranoia begins to die down as Sasuke holds her steady, his palms warm against her cheeks. Solid. Reassuring. "You don't understand, Sasuke-kun—how much I love Konoha." You've never understood.

His eyes are blank. "We have time," he repeats. "Take a deep breath for me." She inhales, and then exhales. "Good. One more."

Still trembling, she breathes.

Sasuke's thumb brushes her cheekbone, once—it could almost be considered affectionate, if it weren't him. "Better?" His voice is quiet.

"Yes."

His hands leave her face, and her shoulders slump, a sudden exhaustion washing over her. "I think I need some fresh air."

"I'll go with you." He pauses. "If that's alright with you."

Sakura smiles, faintly. "Yeah. It's alright."

—

They walk in silence outside, the sun setting beyond the horizon, casting a rich orange from east to west. The shops and vendors are beginning the close up, leaving only the restaurants open. They aimlessly walk past everything, their pace slow and unhurried.

"How long has it been since Orochimaru attacked Konoha?" Sasuke asks.

Sakura shakes her head. "It's been so long that I don't even remember. More than five years, at least."

"I was fighting Gaara at that time."

"Yeah. And I was chasing you." She smiles sadly at the memory. All she's ever done is chase Sasuke. How ironic is it that once she's finally found her own way, he's come back and shaken her up again?

"Time flies by," Sasuke muses.

"It does," Sakura agrees. So much has happened in these past few years that she would have never expected, both good and bad. Looking back on it, it feels like just a blink of an eye—it couldn't have been years, could it? Just like a dream, she closed her eyes when Sasuke knocked her out on that fateful night, and when she woke up again, she was here.

(Sometimes, it's still hard to think that the world keeps turning, even without Sasuke in it.)

"I'll send Yuko to deliver a message to Konoha," he says as they walk past a public bath. "Meanwhile, I think we should stay here and keep an eye on things."

Just thinking about her home being in danger again makes her feel nauseous. "Yeah, that's a good idea. Sorry I just…freaked out earlier."

"You have bad memories. I get it."

"Do you have any bad memories, Sasuke-kun?" She pauses. "From after you left Konoha, I mean. Unless you had bad memories before you left." He glances at her. Her cheeks warm at her obvious mistake. "Other than the massacre."

Sasuke's eyes glint with humor just for a moment, before it fades away. "Bad memories go without saying. I was with Orochimaru. I was training to kill my brother."

"Oh." Sakura nods, not wanting to push any further. She isn't even sure if she wants to know what's happened between then and now. "Of course."

"It was always quiet," Sasuke continues, taking her by surprise. "Orochimaru and Kabuto weren't always with me, and even when they were, they weren't exactly sociable. Otherwise, there was no one around. I always trained by fighting against…disposable people." He pauses. "Death does not make good company."

For a brief moment, the image of Sasuke at age twelve flashes before her eyes, spending an eternity in silence because he couldn't find it in him to admit that he was lonely.

"That must have been hard," she says, quietly.

"Life is hard," Sasuke tells her.

By the time they've walked around the village once, the sun has set completely. No one is out during this time of night, although there are lights on in some of the houses. Under different circumstances, this might have been a nice place to live. Quiet and peaceful, without any of the turbulences of shinobi or their lives. Even civilians in Konoha are not as relaxed as the villagers here; there is a coexistence between them and the shinobi that always has them wondering if their lives will ever be in danger, and if anyone will come to their rescue. But here, in this tiny village, no one has those types of worries, because there are no shinobi here at all.

"I think Hayate and Kazuko would live good lives here," she says, more to herself than to Sasuke.

"I think they would live boring and meaningless lives," Sasuke replies without much hesitation or thought. Sakura is taken aback by such a morbid way of thinking. "Hayate and Kazuko are much better off being Sasuke and Sakura."

"Really? Do you really think that?"

Sasuke looks infinitely less harmful when he's wearing traditional civilian clothes, but his words are still like a blade. He's wearing brown tonight, down to earth and not intimidating at all. But that's only as far as eyes can see.

"What would Hayate and Kazuko do here?" he says. "They left their destroyed village and started a new life here. Chances are, they'll stay here because of the stability and the kindness of the villagers. Then they'll fall in love and have children. Then they live out the rest of their lives doing what everyone else does."

"I think that's lovely," she argues. "We've never gotten lives like that."

"I don't see why you'd want to."

She frowns. "Do you like the life you have now? All that hatred and revenge, never being able to settle…is that the kind of life that you actually want?"

He shrugs, completely unbothered by the direction their conversation is going in. "We've all been dealt cards. No one said we had to like them."

Does he mean that Konoha isn't even worth fighting for? The thought hurts Sakura a little.

"I love Konoha," she says quietly. "I love my friends. Even if I didn't want to, I'd stay for them."

"That's fortunate for me, then, because I don't have anyone to stay for."

Sasuke hits a nerve with that statement, and Sakura can't even bother to talk to him anymore. Her steps quicken down the road as they make their way back to the inn, the irritation clear in her steps.

No one to stay for? In his entire lifetime, has no one in the village made an impact on him? Is life as a missing-nin really better than the stability that being a Konoha shinobi would give him? It hurts Sakura to even think about—that out of all the lives she knows that are connected to Sasuke in some way, none of them make a big enough impression for him to even think twice about. Not even her, who he claims to have feelings for. And not even Naruto, who he can't even bother trying to remember.

Tonight, their room looks cold and empty. Sakura tosses her weapons pouch on her bed, irritably massaging her thigh where it's been strapped onto all day, underneath her clothes. What's up with Sasuke anyway? He goes spouting nonsense about wanting to be with her, and then acts like a decent human being, and then says something completely inconsiderate. What does he expect her to do when he acts like that?

"Are you angry?" She spins around to see him leaning against the wall.

She turns away. "Not that it would matter to you."

"Of course it does. Are you stupid?" His footsteps are the only sound in the room as he walks towards her. "Didn't I already say that you're someone important to me?"

Obviously not someone important enough to stay for, she thinks bitterly. "I'm not going to take your half-assed attempts to win me over, Sasuke-kun."

"Since when were they ever half-assed?" he snaps. "Since when has anything I've ever done been half-assed?"

"If you really do care about me, you wouldn't be carelessly saying things that imply that you don't," she snaps right back at him.

"That bothers you?" There's an air of triumph in his tone.

Crap. What is she saying? Her arguing with him means that she wants him to care. She needs to get a hold of herself—just because she has a mission alone with Sasuke for a short amount of time doesn't mean that she can get carried away with her feelings.

She remembers earlier today. They had been so close—so close to crossing the line that she had clearly drawn between them weeks ago. Just thinking about it now makes her heart beat faster. She knows she loves Sasuke—she does, but that is no reason for her to be with him.

Right?

She doesn't realize that Sasuke is right behind her until he speaks. "Why don't you believe me when I say that I honestly want to be with you you?"

"Because…" She's trapped behind him and her bed. "Because you're Sasuke-kun. You've never wanted that from me."

"I thought you knew that I changed!" She flinches when he raises his voice. "I hate this memory loss, Sakura. It's limited me in so many ways, and I can't even begin to describe how angry I am about it all the time, but…I'm almost positive that without it, I would never be where I am with you right now. I think…I think you've always been an important person to me, but I could never afford to be happy with you." As he speaks, his words get quicker and he sounds more and more frantic. "But I can now that Itachi's dead, so why won't you let me? What part of me caring about you do you not understand?"

It's not that Sakura doesn't understand. She understands perfectly. What Sasuke doesn't understand that a relationship is a two-way street. It doesn't come into existence just because one party wants it to. And she still doesn't have complete faith that they'll make it very far, so what's the point of even starting? What's the point of hoping she won't get hurt, when in the end, she will?

She turns around and looks him straight in the eye, ignoring how close they really are, because in the end, there will always be a chasm between them. "What part of no do not not understand?" she hisses, sounding much more menacing than she intends to.

For a moment, there's a flash of something in Sasuke's eyes, but it's gone before Sakura can pinpoint exactly what it is. Irritation? Betrayal? Hurt?

She almost wants to take back what she just said.

Sasuke's hands reach up to hold her face steady, and before she realizes what's happening, his mouth crashes onto hers. She makes a muffled sound against his lips, so startled that she tries to take a step backward and crashes onto the bed, taking Sasuke down with her. Him landing on her knocks the breath right out of her lungs, but none of that stops him from kissing her—hard and rough and everything Sasuke ever is and ever has been.

She pulls her hand back and curls it into a fist, and punches him right in the face.

There's a moment of stunned silence as Sasuke hovers on top of her. Sakura is breathing heavily, face flushed from both the kiss and the extremity of what she just did.

Sasuke massages his face. "You dislocated my jaw." The words are slightly convoluted because he can't form them correctly. Without too much of a thought, she reaches up and feels around his bottom jaw, and snaps it back into place without a warning. He grunts in pain.

"You deserve it," she tells him honestly. A dislocated jaw isn't anything that would hinder Sasuke anyway—especially if she's around to fix it.

He massages his jaw, but doesn't move from on top of her. He has his hands and legs on either side of her, supporting himself so he doesn't fall; she lays there, waiting for him to get off of her. He doesn't.

"Please move," she says. "I think I made my answer very clear."

His hand drops from his jaw to touch her hair, fingers gently running through it. "I didn't think…" His voice trails off, and she finds herself curious as to how that sentence would have ended.

This is the Sasuke who exists now. Not the one driven by revenge and full of hatred, but one who is trying to win her in all of the wrong ways. He lets his guard down a little more, he speaks a little more, and maybe—just maybe—he loves a little more.

Sasuke's head falls and rests in the crook of her neck. She stares at the ceiling, feeling his breath on her skin. "You don't know how to deal with your feelings, do you?" she asks quietly.

"No."

She smiles a little, bringing her arms up to embrace him. In the end, he's still nothing more than a child. "If you can't even deal with your own feelings, how can you expect to deal with mine?"

Maybe, she thinks. Maybe one day, she can be with Sasuke—fully and properly, like she's always wanted to be. Maybe it'll be far in the future, or maybe it'll be tomorrow—she doesn't know yet. Right now, Sasuke is so full of honesty that it almost scares her—how genuine he's being towards her right now—but at the same time, it gives her a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe—just maybe, they have a chance.

Sasuke's body is warm. Sakura gathers a large breath in her lungs, and exhales.

A/N: MY CLASSES ARE FINALLY OVER FOR THE SEMESTER. *collapses from sleep deprivation because now there are final exams*

That being said, longer chapters, yes or no? Updates will probably be less frequent as a result, though. I also changed the summary of this story because ten chapters in, I finally realized it was not a very good summary at all. The continued story of how I suck, etc. etc.