~ Chapter Nine ~
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The thrumming rhythm kept constant more than just the quiet tap tap of fingernails against plastic. She had been hooked up to a heart monitor after the doctor had supplied her with a healthy dose of pain medication. She had broken the upper portion of her femur, splintering the bone where the break was located just two inches below her hip socket. Her cast was blue.
This fact annoyed me the most though. Which, of course, sounds entirely absurd. I mean, why would the color of one's bandages bother a person? The bandages were not even mine, I wasn't the one lying in pain deep enough to require an IV drip of morphine. And yet, the dark blue color was what seemed most bothersome at the moment.
"Lily hates blue." I supplied, speaking to no one in particular even though two other bodies occupied the cramped space.
Lily had always hated blue. She was a girl after all, and all girls liked pink. At least, this was her reasoning for refusing to wear her flower-girl dress when our Aunt Catherine got married. We were instructed to walk down the isle, scattering cerulean and cream petals about the walking space. I was thrilled with the whole idea of it, getting to throw things and have my name in the program that all the guests received. I thought that surely I was famous, and that Lily and I had to be the most important people in the service itself. Lily seemed excited as well, loving any opportunity to dress up and wear her 'nice' shoes. Of course, when we were first fitted in the dresses themselves, Lily took one look at the powder blue gowns and deemed them unfit.
'Mommy.' She had started, standing beside me and glaring at the plastic covered gown hanging on the door back. 'I will not wear that, it's blue. Blue is a boy color.' She seemed entirely serious at the time, and I was not one to comment back then, agreeing automatically with whatever my twin said.
Of course, times changed. Our growth apart over the years proved that much. For all I knew, blue could have been Lily's absolute favorite colors. In fact, it would be quite possible that she had requested the color herself and that I was just providing further evidence of the effects of our mutual distance.
I scowled inwardly at that thought. Mutual. Yea right. More like decided difference. It wasn't a mutual choice. It wasn't a mutual anything. I had done all the deciding back then, I was the one that pulled away. Confused and hurt over a situation that was completely out of my hands. Completely out of my control.
I was hurt, but that wasn't an excuse to mark Lily as my enemy. Of course, some distance was to be expected, on my part due to jealousy, and on Lily's part due to... to...
Nothing.
It was my entire fault. My fault that I pushed us apart, my fault that I convinced myself she hated me, that everyone hated me. My fault for creating a life of pain and loneliness. It was my fault that I didn't even know my sister's favorite color.
My own sister.
My twin.
I was pathetic.
I reached my hand up to the bedside, running my fingers along the plastic guardrail that kept her in place. I wanted to reach out and hold her hand, to offer her reassurance that she deserved. I wanted to apologize; I wanted a second chance to go back, to change how I handled things. I wanted to feel like her sister and not like someone I saw in passing.
"I'm so sorry. "I whispered under my breath, not trusting my voice as my foggy eyes took in her hurt form.
She had fallen; the details provided offered me a vague idea of how it all went down. I knew for a fact that she had to have been alone, because Austin would have never let anything happen to her, he never left her side. She had fallen off a short cliff maybe? A rock or something sharp would have been the only explanation for the break and the large gash that adorned her pale skin.
She had to have one hundred and thirty stitches after they reset the bones. Her resulting screams seemed to be on constant replay in my distressed mind.
"She's going to be okay, Lo." I didn't bother to look up. I didn't bother to react. I was so lost, so confused about everything that had occurred since my first night at Wolford. Besides, I knew that voice better than I think I knew my own. I could describe the mere tone of that voice fifty different ways. Drake. I didn't have to look up because I knew that he was only feet away from me, his own arm hooked up to an IV that was running through a tube and into my sister's arm. I didn't have to look up because I knew that I would see those reassuring gray-blue irises and fall apart all over again. And, although the stream of running tears seemed constant, I knew that I couldn't afford another break down. I knew that I didn't deserve to cry when Lily was the one sitting here in unfathomable pain.
I felt his hand at my back, his warm palm fanning across my shoulders, and the pads of his thumb tickling the skin at the base of my neck. The reassurance, the comfort that came with that touch was indescribably helpful in keeping me calm, in keeping me sane. I was the furthest I could possibly be from sanity at this point.
I was a horrible person. In essence and in fact. I pushed people away, I hurt them, led them to believe that they had hurt me. I ignored the people who tried to help; I took kindness as pity and turned away hands that reached to help and to reassure. I was cold hearted, and this fact was all but solidified when realizations of my past discretions were brought to light over and over again in my subconscious. Pictures of Lily and I as children, happy and friendly were tainted with pictures of broken bodies and empty conversations. Tainted with distance and regret, both on my part.
I was a monster for what I did to her. Why couldn't I just learn to accept my life and my situation? Why couldn't I have taken it in stride and learned to move on?
I sighed, learning into Drake's touch as more tears left salted drips on my throat and my cotton t-shirt.
"It's all my fault." I whimpered, squeezing my eyelids shut in an effort to stifle the flowing evidence.
The chair beside me squeaked with the effort of plastic against tile as warm breath met my cheek. His nearness begging for recognition that I was not willing to allow. I didn't want him to see me like this; I didn't deserve his kindness or his reassurance. It wasn't about pity for him; I knew that, he thought he was doing the right thing by being there for me. That was what best friend's did for each other. But Drake didn't deserve me as best friend, he deserved someone far better, far kinder, far less volatile.
Not that I wasn't grateful for what he was doing for Lily. Because what he was giving her, his blood, meant more to me than anything anyone had ever bestowed upon me in my lifetime. And although the gesture was not made in my favor, I was still extremely humbled and all together awe inspired by his kindness. I didn't deserve him. I loved him, but I didn't deserve him.
"Lo, look at me." His voice was littered with pain, whether that be from the pressure of the needle in the soft flesh of his inner elbow or from my obvious distance I was not sure. So I shook my head, ducking my face to my lap, curling my shoulders inward.
But he was having none of that as he dragged his left palm from it's resting place at my back to trace along my shoulder blades and then to finally cup my chin, tilting it towards his face.
I kept my eyes downcast, resulting in a disgruntled sigh to escape his lips.
"Logan, this not your fault. This is no one's fault, it was an accident, and unfortunate one of course, but an accident nonetheless." His reasoning, although completely plausible, had little to no effect on suppressing the overwhelming bout of guilt that I now harbored on my shoulders. Guilt for everything, all of my past decisions, all of the cruel confusion and jealously that had led to this moment.
I wanted to respond to him, I wanted to open my mouth and speak the words that were bubbling in the backs of my teeth, the words that were fighting to come to fruition, but I remained silent. Motionless, save for the gesture of placing the crown of my head to his shoulder, to rest it there. Because although I didn't deserve his friendship, his kindness, or his love, he deserved mine and I wasn't about to ignore him when he was being so obviously caring toward me.
I love you. I thought to him, breathing deeply as the continuous 'beeps' of Lily's heart monitor lulled me into a restless, dreamless slumber.
0~0~0~0~0
I woke up some time later to three successive taps atop my skull. Three gentle taps from fingers that I had once been familiar with but I now considered no more than foreign.
"Lo Lo." I smiled gently at the nickname. The two syllables bringing back memories of a happy childhood and memories of friendship and silly horseplay. A time of best friends and sisters. A time nearly a decade ago when I smiled everyday and not once every few weeks.
"Lilypad." I whispered back, my voice chocked with over-shed tears. I hadn't called her that since we were five, but I knew that saying the name, offering the reassurance that she deserved was the right thing to do. I didn't deserve her forgiveness, but that didn't mean that I didn't hope for it.
"What time is it, Lo Lo?" I shook my head, bringing my palm to my cheek and rubbing the 'sleep' from my eyes. I glanced at the clock on the far wall. "Half past seven." I answered, folding my arms and leaning them against the mattress beside her. I didn't meet her eyes, my own irises traveling the length of her dark cast. I couldn't face her the way I hoped to. Not like this.
"Hmm." She murmured reaching across her torso to procure a cup of ice chips that sat on her bedside table.
"The doctor came in a little bit ago, she wanted my permission to start another morphine drip... for the pain." I nodded; still not looking at her face, knowing that when I did the tears would start back up again.
"I told them no. I mean, my leg hurts Lo... but... I wanted to talk." I nodded once more, preparing myself to go fetch Austin if that's what she wished for. I made to push back my plastic roll-around chair, but her pale fingers encircled my own and held me in place.
"I wanted to talk to you, Logan." She spoke, and my gaze shot to meet hers. Her usually deep caramel eyes were filled with sadness and maybe a flickering or to of pain. I didn't want her to be hurting.
"If your leg hurts you should take the drip." I offered my advice half-heartedly because; I too wanted to speak to her, to apologize for everything I had put her through.
"It's tolerable." She assured, motioning for me to take my former seat.
I did as I was instructed, dragging the plastic across the floor and resuming my resting place against the side of her bed. I took a moment to notice that we were alone, that not even Drake accompanied me anymore. I hoped that he had retired to his room for some well-deserved rest; I knew that donating blood was draining and he had given Lily a substantial amount.
"When did they leave?" I inquired, hoping to distract her with my small talk. I had no idea how to say to her what I needed to. I wanted to clear the air between us, I wanted a fresh start, but I didn't know how to procure one.
"Austin is filling out some paper work and talking with Lucas, he left about ten minutes or so ago." I nodded, pulling my trapped hand away from hers, offering her some space and allowing myself some room to gather my thoughts.
"Your boy left about a half hour or so ago. They woke me up when it was time to remove the blood drip." I cringed a bit at her reference to Drake. He was everything but 'my boy'.
"He's not mine." I stated, hoping to get that point across fairly quickly. There would be no fairy tale ending for me, I would not have a prince charming, I would never have an 'Austin'. And that was something I forced myself to accept last night, along with a lot of other circumstances.
She quirked a brow at me a moment, before resting her arms across her stomach in a relaxed sort of gesture. She spoke. "Regardless, Lo. What he did for me was beyond generous. And I have to believe my unfortunate situation wasn't the only factor in his deciding to donate nearly a liter of blood. The way he looks at you-" I held up a hand, the gesture meant to express the uncharted territory she was stepping into.
"He looks at me the way any other guy does. Indifferently." She smirked a bit at that confession, but when I didn't respond in kind she frowned.
"He's worried about you. He had his arms wrapped around you when I woke up. He has ink on his back, Logan." She pointed out and it was like another stab to my already sore heart. I wanted to yell at her, to beg her to stop but yelling at her would only add more to apologize for. I had filled that quota a thousand times over and I didn't want to be more of a disappointment than I already was.
"I know. But it's irrelevant because it's not my name." She opened her mouth as if to say something, but I cut her off once more. "You and I both know that you can't prove otherwise. You can't read the tattoo; you don't know what it says. Only the guys know how to decipher the complicated lettering." She pursed her lips, her chin wobbling as if she was fighting back a rebuff but she seemed to think better of it because she just rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.
"You're delusional." She stated, highlighting her words with a sisterly glare. At least that's how I interpreted the gesture.
"Whatever." I retorted in a juvenile fashion, fighting the urge to stick my tongue out at her. That would be wholly inappropriate seeing as we weren't five and we... well we weren't that close.
A silence formed between the two of us. Neither making the effort to start up another branch of pointless conversation, or another brand of small talk. I wanted to bring up the big issue, but I didn't know how. So the elephant continued to sit un-addressed in the small room.
"I tripped." She finally offered, tentatively resting her hand atop her cast. She smirked to herself for just a moment.
"What?" I wondered, staring at the pale bed sheets, not knowing how to respond to such a statement.
"I tripped. That's what happened to earn me hospitalization for the next two weeks." I moved to stare at her bandaged leg, nodding steadily.
She shifted a bit on the bed and I sat upright, moving my hands to hover over her in case she needed help retrieving something, but she just seemed to be making herself more comfortable.
"It seems wholly anticlimactic, doesn't it?" She laughed to herself, clenching her jaw when a particular movement caused her noticeable pain. "I mean, couldn't I have been attacked by a cougar or fallen off a cliff face? Something much cooler than tripping and managing to land across a fallen log." I didn't know where she was going with this, I didn't find the situation to be nearly as amusing as her attitude suggested.
"I'm rather glad you didn't get attacked by a cougar." I offered, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. I didn't want to think about her being hurt any worse than a broken, splintered bone and an unreasonable amount of stitching.
A cougar could have ripped her apart, could have killed her. And then, surely, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Not being able to apologize, not being able to realize just how much I had hurt her until it would have been too late... it would have destroyed me.
"I'm so sorry." So I blurted it out, in a rather unimpressive fashion I'll acknowledge. I wanted to slap myself across the forehead for that show of brilliancy.
"Nah, it's not as horrible, and my transformation will mend it up nice and quick." She smiled gently at me.
I shook my head.
"Not about your leg... wait... of course I'm sorry about that, it's just. I ..." I sighed, dropping my head to my lap in frustration and running my fingers along the course bedding material. "I am sorry about everything, Lilypad. I screwed up." I wanted to elaborate. I needed to, but my speech block was preventing that at the moment.
I turned to look at her, seeing that her playful smile had turned into a tight line. She nodded, as if willing for me to continue.
"I... I shouldn't have pushed you away like I did. It.. it wasn't fair to you. And I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry for all the time we lost, but I want to make it up to you, I want to support you and be there for you if you'll let me.. I want.." And at this point I was just blabbing, everything I wanted to say to her coming out in an untidy and messy fashion. All the while the pursed line of her lips seemed to deepen, a noticeable frown becoming etched prominently in her rosy cheeks.
I was upsetting her. Again. Was I so useless that I couldn't even apologize decently?
"God...I'm so pathetic." I murmured to myself. Wishing more than ever that the earth would open up and swallow the entirety of my hopeless form whole.
We were both quiet after a moment, and I wondered if maybe I should just take my leave, let her be. Because she obviously was disgusted with me, and with all the realizations I had brought to light. All the evidence of my betrayal laid out in all its monstrous glory.
But she didn't order me away, and I didn't move to get up. And after what seemed like ages I felt the cool press her hand against my forearm and moved my gaze to meet hers.
"Logan, you're not pathetic." She offered, removing her hand and placing it back across her chest. "You're not pathetic, but you're right. You did hurt me." She pointed out, the frown still evident, although it seemed to have softened up a bit.
"I know, I'm complete shit for putting you through that." I acknowledged, feeling like such scum for having done that to my own twin.
"No. You're not shit. Don't belittle yourself like that, Lo Lo. It's not attractive." She poked at my forearm, gesturing for me to sit up. "Listen. What you did hurt me, yes, but it wasn't anything that I didn't expect." She expected me to hurt her? That was comforting. Now I was the one frowning, confusion over her words leading me to frustration.
"You expected me to hurt you?" I wondered, needing clarification that she had in fact implied such a fact. She shook her head.
"Yes and no. I mean, I expected the distance. And the distance I knew would lead to the hurt. But... I mean... not being able to shift... I would have probably retreated in the same fashion. I would have hated you, envied you for your luck. And I'm not saying that you're jealous, because that would be entirely too pretentious of me, but I know that you resented that you weren't offered the same situation as me." She took a deep breath, once more clenching her jaw as if fighting off a pain.
"Do you want me to get the doctor?" I wondered, prepared to press the call button that rested against the near wall.
"No, no. It's good that we're talking about this." She patted the bed next to her, as if the gesture would keep me rooted to the chair.
"Alright."
"I know you're sorry, and I get that...I'm glad you apologized and that you seem to have come to a place where you can maybe tolerate a relationship with me. Even if it's in it's most basic form. I just.. I missed you, Logan. I really did." She smiled at me, resting her palm against the hair at the crown of my scalp.
"Of course." I reassured, reaching for her hand and squeezing her fingers in mine.
"And...I'm sorry too. If I could I would give up my ability to shift so that you could have it... I know what the elder's said must have put you through hell these past seven years...and I didn't want to push you by forcing you to open up or talk about it until you were ready. And although it sucks that I have a broken leg... I'm glad that it may have been a factor in bringing about such an acceptance of circumstance within yourself. You deserve to be happy, Logan. Even in a life without shifting, you deserve the best." I was practically bawling then, my face seeming to drown in a waterfall of cascading tears. I squeezed her fingers so tightly that I caused her to yelp out in pain, she swatted at my face in retaliation and I laughed...laughed with my sister for the first time in nearly a decade.
"I love you, Logan." She whispered, reaching once more for my hand.
"I love you too, Lily."
0~0~0~0~0
A/N: Alrighty, so I'm back! California was fun, but I'm glad to be home :) Hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'll see you on Friday! Also big thanks to all who review, I am so humbled by all the amazing compliments and the number of reviews I have for this story. Hope everyone had a great week!