Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.
Slanderous they may sound though…
CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY
Issue Date: 12th Day of the 12th Month
Darkness engulfs Gensokyo in a Full Circle,
Yet the Shining Beacon of Hope flares brightly.
Gensokyo's Hope, defiant to the last,
Against all odds,
Brings the fight to the enemy.
Contents
I. HEADLINES
II. NEWS REPORTS
III. ADVERTISEMENTS
IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE
V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST
VI. OBITUARY
I. HEADLINES
UNEXPECTED REINFORCEMENT JOINS TEAM MARISA IN THE ONGOING WAR
by Rumia
Five seconds more to go, and Nagae Iku would have declared the start of the continuation of the war, with both sides eager to begin. However, that was not to be as a nasty surprise for Team Reimu happened; an unexpected addition to Team Marisa, in the form of Toyosatomimi no Miko.
The self-proclaimed Sword Saint of Senkai had made her sudden appearance at Hakurei Shrine, wearing a bloodstained surgical gown. Her left hand was bound completely in similarly stained bandages, showing a corrected left hand, her platinum-shaded hair left undone instead of her usual kitsune-eared style. She was missing her customary shaku, but the Sword of Seven Stars still hung sheathed at her waist, looking totally out of place on her current outfit.
A certain pair of vampires' fangs grew at the sight of the bloodstained saint, but while most of Team Reimu and war observers made crude remarks of her appearance, Hakurei Reimu, the White Ghost Miko of Hakurei Shrine, protested the saint's participation 'since the cut-off date for joining a team has passed'.
Toyosatomimi replied that her name was already on Team Marisa's list long before the cut-off date. "It's written in lemon juice," the saint said. "Bring the parchment over a source of light and you will see." Nagae did as she was told and brought the registration parchment above her head, directly under sunlight; 'Toyosatomimi no Miko' characters were indeed there, albeit invisible to the naked eye. With nothing left to accuse a smirking Kirisame Marisa, Hakurei retreated to her side and Nagae gave the signal to Izayoi Sakuya to start the stopwatch, effectively beginning the war.
War Challenge 5 was unanimously agreed between both teams that a winning outcome for a cosplaying challenge would be impossible and so settled for a draw. Members of both teams in challenge 5 were allowed to continue participation in future challenges in the war.
War Challenge 6
Team Marisa members: Toyosatomimi no Miko
Team Reimu members: Patchouli Knowledge
Challenge type: Religious Studies quiz
Conditions for victory: The one with more correct answers among the two
Fear gripped Team Reimu's representative as the opponent that stood before her in this challenge was superior in this field of study, having more than a thousand years worth of studies at her corrected fingertips compared to the librarian's own one hundred years of reading.
The quiz was actually authored by Kochiya Sanae, Wind Priestess of the Moriya Shrine up at Youkai Mountain, and it contained questions relating to all forms of religions present in Gensokyo. The time limit given was only half an hour for three hundred questions, bringing sweat and blood pressure levels up for both participants.
A parchment containing answers to all questions were compared to both participants' quiz sheet at the end of the duration. After checking through each participant's quiz' answers, Nagae Iku declared the results at 284:272 in favor of the Sword Saint, granting victory to Team Marisa.
War Challenge 7
Team Marisa members: Kirisame Marisa, Cirno
Team Reimu members: Medicine Melancholy, Fujiwara no Mokou
Challenge type: Cure a poison
Conditions for victory: First to cure a poisoned victim
Each team were to send two representatives; one alchemist and one patient. Both patients were made to sit on the open ground while being administered with a potent poison, and it would be up to each team's alchemist to purge the poison from the victims. Both teams only have time dependent on the victims' resistance to the foreign substances in their body.
Melancholy was an expert in poisons, claiming that she had been 'working with poisons since my own birth in this doll body', and that no poisons have eluded her knowledge. Kirisame, on the other hand, simply dug into a small sack at her feet while her patient, Cirno, sat patiently on the open ground, not showing any signs of poisoning. Fujiwara, on the other hand, had already begun throwing up food from a previous night's dinner.
Ten minutes passed and Team Marisa's participating members were basking under the sun, seemingly relaxed and enjoying a snack of mushrooms while Melancholy was still busy working with something unseen in her doll hands. Another five minutes had passed and Melancholy fed her creation to the near-fainting Fujiwara while Cirno finished up her morning snack of mushrooms.
Nagae then announced that there was nobody around who could verify whether the victims had been cured of their poisons, that the challenge should be declared a draw. Melancholy, however, insisted that Fujiwara had been cured, despite the fact the immortal was still pale faced. Cirno, on the other hand, was only complaining about the hot sun she was made to sit under. With the ice fairy showing a stronger vitality, Team Marisa was declared the winner.
War Challenge 8
Team Marisa members: Toyosatomimi no Miko, Chen
Team Reimu members: Futatsuiwa Mamizou, Houjuu Nue
Challenge type: Hide and seek
Conditions for victory: Team that takes the shorter time to seek out the opposing team
A challenge in which both teams have their own advantages, the hide and seek took place in Hakurei Shrine itself. Hieda no Akyu, a war observer and Gensokyo's history writer, had asked why Hakurei would allow anyone to play inside the shrine, but said miko simply ignored the question and the challenge began.
The Myouren duo was tasked first to be the hiding party, while Team Marisa's pair had to wait outside the shrine. The interior was eerily quiet, even from the standing point of the media's corner, and the hunt began after the stipulated thirty seconds. Toyosatomimi, true to her name, abused her sharp hearing and detected noise, discovering Houjuu's hiding spot in twelve seconds, while Chen, a champion in this game within Team Nineball, tripped over a raccoon's tail on the fifteenth second.
The tables turned, Team Marisa had to hide. However, two seconds before the Myouren duo could begin their hunt, both Toyosatomimi and Chen walked out of the shrine's front doors, haunted looks in their eyes and announced their withdrawal from the challenge. With that, Team Reimu won their first challenge, and effectively removed two Team Marisa members from the war.
Team Marisa continued to refuse participation even when Nagae announced the start of the next challenge, despite booing and loud jeers from the opposite camp. Kirisame Marisa, after a short moment, was seen talking to the oarfish and somehow got her to postpone the war again to another day.
(Interview with Team Marisa in Senkai, some hours after leaving Hakurei Shrine)
Rumia: Your presence in Gensokyo was indeed unwelcome, Miko.
Toyosatomimi: Who are you?
Rumia: Rumia for Cirno News Network Weekly.
Toyosatomimi: Isn't that you, snowball?
Cirno: (Eye) am not a snowball!
Rumia: I remember doing an interview with you at Eientei, Miko. Before your surgery.
Toyosatomimi: What is it that you want to know this time?
Rumia: Look, I'm on your side, alright? Why are you here?
Toyosatomimi: Marisa came to me two weeks ago while I was still under some deep sleep after my surgery. She spoke of an opportunity to get back at Reimu for labeling us as 'imperfect creations'. You know I can't take that lying down, having already done that for a thousand years with a disability!
Kirisame: And I had to fight my way through half of a whole army of rabbits to reach you, and another half on my way out.
Rumia: You did not fight, Marisa, you simply gave them all a love beam.
Kirisame: How did you know about that part? *grins*
Rumia: Miko, if you could actually open a warp to Senkai at any time and place of your choosing like you just did, why couldn't you have done that earlier? You were only five seconds before Marisa had to contend with Patchy's challenge!
Toyosatomimi: Eientei has some strange magic blocking my warp. Besides, I did not want to leave any spell residue behind for Eirin to trace my path. I had to travel by land after hearing somebody talking about doing 'air reconnaissance'.
Rumia: Smart idea, they would have thought everybody solved problems by flying in the air. And after several days, you decided to open the warp after being confident of losing their trail?
Toyosatomimi: Correct.
Rumia: Anyway, Cirno, if I saw it right, you never swallowed the poisoned pill?
Cirno: Of course not! The rules never stated so!
Rumia: Marisa probably told you that, I doubt you were smart enough to not swallow it.
Chen: Saint girl, you smell awful in those clothes. Couldn't you have changed those out while you were back here? I could even smell you when you were finding a hiding spot earlier!
Kirisame: You two, now's the time to tell me what exactly went wrong inside the shrine? Off the record for this, Rumia. There's a reason why we are hiding in Senkai for now.
Rumia: Interview suspended.
II. NEWS REPORTS
MUD WRESTLE ONGOING WITH NO VISIBLE OUTCOME
A hunched-back Kochiya Sanae, boned tired from cleaning up the Moriya Shrine, seemed ready to denounce her faith to both Yasaka Kanako, Patron Goddess of the shrine, and Moriya Suwako, Earth Goddess and ex-Patron of the shrine.
"Do you know what kind of Former Hell those two bring back with them daily?" the green-haired priestess snapped at reporters. "Mud! And they don't bath or even take a shower, but simply head off to bed every evening and wake up at daybreak, creating a din in the shrine in front of worshippers before decking it out at Lake Suwa again!"
Enthusiastic supporters for both goddesses in their own war were reported to have been showing up daily for the mud wrestle. "Those two are the hottest when they catfight!" a male kappa told CNN Weekly. "Look at how their bodies move when they struggle with each other!"
"It's been more than two weeks already," quoted an off-duty white wolf guard. "Momiji never stopped us from coming, as long as we return to work when our shift starts."
MYOUREN TEMPLE CLAIMS UNFAIR JUDGEMENT DESPITE THEIR VICTORY
The monk of Myouren Temple, Hijiri Byakuren, accused Nagae Iku, Dragon God Messenger and current official for the Great Gensokyo War, of being biased with her judging, claiming that Kirisame Marisa could 'simply have her request granted, while being deaf to our protests last week'.
"Did you remember the Shogi tournament?" Hijiri said. "She didn't so much as to lend us her ears when she declared Cirno as the winner! The time limit was set to three minutes, why did it end right after that nine ball made her first move in ten seconds?"
Nagae, when interviewed, denied corruption and unfair judgment, claiming that if she wanted to be biased, she would have sided with her own student, who happened to be the representative of Team Reimu for that challenge. "Every round was judged in utmost carefulness," she told reporters. "Sakuya's clock did show that three minutes have passed in the fore-mentioned challenge, there isn't any reason to accuse me of being biased now, is there? And what about last week, when Reimu could simply want to postpone it, too?"
MISTY LAKE ATTACKED IN FULL FORCE
Screams of panic and communication filled the air of the tranquil Misty Lake as ghosts, confirmed to not have any connections with Hakugyokurou, invaded, possessing numerous fairies, who then turned against their own and assisted in the assault.
Numerous dwellings were torched with their own spells, filling the air above the lake in a smoke thicker than the red mist during the Scarlet Mist incident. "I don't know what's going on!" Daiyousei, the leading figure among the fairies, spoke with an urgent voice to our reporter. "A lot of my friends are now attacking us! Something's turning them on their own brethren! This must have been the disaster the White spoke of?"
When told that the disaster was supposedly involving humans, the greater fairy became hysterical and fled, three of the turned fairies flying after her with murderous intentions.
CNN Weekly's headquarters remained untouched at time of print.
III. ADVERTISEMENTS
There were no advertisements sent in to CNN Weekly at time of print. Have something you want to advertise? Send them in, along with your contact information, to us at
Cirno News Network Weekly HQ
Cirno Avenue, Gensokyo
A parchment for bill will be sent to you in the shortest possible time, as promised by the high standards set by Cirno herself!
IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE
A Ghostly Conversation
Hakurei Reimu and Yuyuko Saigyouji, officially known as ghosts in Gensokyo, were dying, pun not intended, to meet each other. Both of them were in two different rooms with no doors to each room. What would both of them do to meet each other?
V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST
12th Day of the 12th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 9°C/5°C
Chance of rain: Heavy clouds hang above your furry heads, threatening to rain snow.
13th Day of the 11th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 9°C/6°C
Chance of rain: Is that Letty or Cirno raining snow on us?
14th Day of the 11th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 9°C/6°C
Chance of rain: Two girls who loved the mud would soon embrace mud ice cream.
15th Day of the 12th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 8°C/6°C
Chance of rain: Rain, rain, come again, go away another day… Wait, did I get this wrong? Keine might give me a headbutt if she knew I made this mistake, again!
16th Day of the 12th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 10°C /7°C
Chance of rain: Snow should have been falling by now, but our weather department predicted a sudden end on this day.
17th Day of the 12th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 12°C/9°C
Chance of rain: Nope, it won't snow on this day either. Hope you have enjoyed making that ugly snowcirno.
18th Day of the 12th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 12°C/6°C
Chance of rain: Hang out those laundry, no telling when a heavy winter will arrive again!
Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."
VI. OBITUARY
Nobody died this week. Or are both Yama and Slacker… slacking?
Weekly article brought to you by
Rumia (Acting Editor, On-site Reporter)
Random Fairies (Article writing and delivery)
Of the Cirno News Network
Apologies for delay. I really need to give my attention to other commitments over my fic this time. When I began writing for this incident, I wasn't expecting such a turn of events and… I almost had to terminate this. Well, since I somehow got to bridge my stories again, here you are =D
Stuff worth mentioning:
Miko's addition to Team Marisa: Not too well written up there, I know. Apologies again. Miko had been one of the characters I had wanted to add for a while, and she was actually slated to be inserted even before the war, but somehow, I kept giving her the boot until she began pestering… okay, just joking. But yeah, she's here.
'Imperfect creations': As one of the reviewers have mentioned, ZUN art is 'best'. I was trying to pick fun on the drawing error. Sorry ZUN =D
Something haunted in Hakurei Shrine: With so many youkai defiling a youkai extermination shrine, why wouldn't there be anything haunted in there? After all, everything began all the way back during Halloween…
Lack of Reimu's interference in all the weird stuff going on in Gensokyo: The Reimu that we all know pokes her nose in whenever someone tries to turn Gensokyo into a living hell. Why isn't she doing anything about everything this time round? Has she really fallen into despair over the impending doom? Was that why she had reappeared in white?
UPDATE 13/12/12: Fixed a typo, made small additions in the interview, thanks anon for pointing out a really embarrassing mistake!