Chapter 11

Dear Elsie,

It is not going to be long I fear until you realise I have as much idea how to frame this letter as you knew how to write yours. So I will follow your lead and tell you my name is Bernadette Newgarden. I am twenty eight years old. And a midwife.

I want to thank you for your letter as I do understand how hard it must have been for you to write it. I will get to a hospital, I promise you. After all – I work in one.

I also want to thank you for a very hard choice that you made a long time ago. I know it cannot have been easy and cannot know how a decision like that must feel to live with in the years after.

But it is so very important to me you know I do not blame you and I have had a wonderful life with parents who loved me and who I love. You made the right decision, Elsie. I am also happy you had other children with my biological father and that your relationship has survived and by all accounts, thrived. It sounds as if you have quite a family and I look forward to meeting you all.

If I have my way then we are going to meet - and soon. But at this moment I cannot know if that is going to happen.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope to meet you very soon.

I mean it – thank you. For everything.

With all my warmest wishes.

Bernadette Newgarden.

X x x

Elsie's hands shook as she read the letter - this paper which substituted for her daughters first words to her and she was lucky enough to have it come in the form of forgiveness.

Praise the lord - if nothing else came of any of it for then they were always going to have their letters. Something to hold on too. A great regret of hers over the years was that she had left her with no trinket, no talisman which she could hold and think of the past.

She knew at the time it had been so they were able to make a clean break of it but now she did not think she had been right.

But they did have something now and it was as wonderfully personal as a sample of each other's hand writing.

It was so precious.

She was sitting in the kitchen holding it as if it was a fragile new-born.

It was as she did that she heard the house come alive.

The boys came down from upstairs for some food and Charles and Anna came back from a walk.

None of them were pleased to see her crying.

"Mum, what is it?" asked William but it did not take long to see her eyes were trained on his father.

She got up and crossed the room to her husband. In that moment it felt as if they were the only two who should read the letter, though she knew her other kids of course would in due to course. But for now she wished they were not here so their father could have this as a private moment. It was not to be.

There were thousand questions on his face which she just answered with a nod.

Read it.

His hands shook as hers had and his face grew red and he could not believe it was real.

Forgiveness, a contact address and an extension of friendship.

A desire to meet.

"A midwife, Charlie, she has done so well for herself."

Elsie felt tears roll down her face.

Her daughter had been safe, loved and she had thrived.

None of the rest of it mattered anymore.

He wrapped his arms about her and held her tighter than he ever had before, at their mutual salvation.

Their other three children exchanged a glance and none of them had to wonder about what was the source of their parent's joy. Shelagh's reply had come.

X x x

"Elsie's written – we've arranged a meeting!"

Julienne smiled at the joy in her daughter's voice as she came over to the nursing station.

"That is wonderful news!"

"Yes – Elsie and Charles are going to come to London – maybe we can go for out for the afternoon or something."

It felt as if they should mark the occasion somehow and do something nice.

Her mother could not agree with that more.

She looked at Julienne. She had considered whether or not this was the right thing. "Will you come with me?"

"Of course I will – if that is what you want."

Shelagh nodded. She was sure that it was.

"Then I'll be there, darling." Julienne said as she kissed her daughter.

She would be there whatever came.

X x x

The idea that Elsie had had after the letter responding too hers had arrived was that she would go down to London to see Shelagh.

She did not want to put her daughter out any more than she had too.

And if she was going to go and explain everything to her then she was going to do so when they were in Shelagh's home territory. She was certainly not going to ask her to come all the way to Yorkshire. That would be so alienating for her. Elsie wanted to make the effort for her now.

She imagined that the three of them were going to be able to meet in a hotel for afternoon tea or something so she could explain to her – well, everything.

And more than anything else, she wanted to be able to make her peace with her before she went into the hospital.

That was the idea.

Charles, even though he had said he was going to go with her, was not happy. He wanted to follow through with her plan more than anything but a voice in him said it was going to be too much for her. Elsie over tiring herself scared him – there was no denying it.

"I promise you I am up to this," she said as the two of them sat on their bed with their bags packed to go to London.

Even though they had gone back there for a holiday after they had got married and they had both gone there on work, numerous times over the years, he had never manage to feel any kind of fondness for the city.

It was always just full of the memory of a future which had been lost to them for him.

And there had been the knowledge that he was in the same city as his oldest child and yet he was not allowed to see her, to hug her and to tell her no matter what her father loved her.

"But you would say that whether you were or not – I know you," he said as he squeezed her hand.

He could not say he would be any different if their roles were reversed.

"You do – but I swear I am. After all these years, the last thing I am going to do in front of our daughter is collapse."

He nodded. Well that was the truth he knew that. She wasn't a fainter…. But the after effects.

"Can you believe we are going to get her back after all this time? Or if not get her back, see her again?" he said carefully to plant the seed they still might not make it to their happily ever after.

She shook her head. "The time last we had her close to us you could measure her life in a matter of minutes. And she was so small you could tuck her in your pocket. But this time we are going to be met with a grown woman," she sighed.

In the time they had been apart she would have had an entire life.

She would have seen and done so much.

All the mile stones the two of them had seen her siblings through.

She had rolled over without the two of them being there for her. She had walked and she had talked for the first time. She had gone to school for the first time. She had made friends, no doubt had boyfriends without Charles there to vet them.

She would have stumbled and fallen over the years and the difference between her and her siblings there was they had always been there to pick them up.

She was going to be a grown woman.

And yet she was their daughter.

"Yes she is," Charles sighed as he wrapped an arm about her.

"And she is going to be as beautiful as her mother - just as she was on the day she was born." Charles reassured her as he kissed her head.

She was his beautiful girl still.

And with god's grace they were going to get through this.

X x

"Don't you think the last thing in the world mum needs to be doing right now is to be running down to London?" asked Thomas he saw his sister booking train tickets in the kitchen on the family lap top.

"No – I think the thing mum needs is something to which she had can hold on." She said as she put in the credit card number to get the tickets as she had been asked too.

"And the four of us are not enough?!"

"We are not the only things which she has in her life. We are not the only people she cares about."

She couldn't get why that was so hard to understand.

"What is wrong with you?"

"What is wrong with your face?"

"Very mature Thomas. If you ever feel like actually giving me an adult answer you know where am I," she said as she turned her attention back to the lap top. If he was going to be like that then she was not going to give him the satisfaction of winding her up.

It was therefore a surprise to her when the very next thing which he did was come and sit at her side.

"Jimmy has got a job interview up in Edinburgh and he is going to go away this week. He has friends up there and he does not think he is going to be back till next."

Anna frowned and did not think it was any wonder he was out of sorts. She knew John would not even consider going away from her right now. The idea just wouldn't occur to him.

"Oh," she said as she could think of nothing else to respond with.

"That was not quite my reaction but it does seem to sum up the situation."

When they did not know what was going on with their mum, a small thought in the back in his head told him he could not expect Jimmy to put is life on hold but he had got used to the idea he was going to be there for him through this.

He would go to the club and he would work and then he would have someone there to turn to when he needed him.

But that was not to be.

Anna reached over and grabbed his hand and for a moment he wanted to yank it away.

But he suddenly had a feeling his little sister needed him as much as - well, not that he would ever say it out loud - but as much as he needed her.

"The two of you are still early on," she said as she tried to comfort him.

Personally if it was up to her then she was going to wring Jimmy's neck but she was not going to put that on him now.

Her brother looked at her through doubtful eyes.

"We are a bit earlier on than I thought we were, lets us put it like that."

They sat in silence for a moment and all Anna could hear was the ticking of the clock.

"You know she is going to get thought this," she said with her normal sunniness.

It was only her brother who could see through it and see she would not admit the truth to herself.

There was a chance they were to going to be ok. That their mum was not going to be ok.

Yes they had got to the cancer early but it did not mean anything – not really.

It was a hateful and vicious disease and there were too many families who had suffered because of it.

And he wondered how many of them had asked 'why me?' When the really question was 'why not me?' 'Why not us?'

There was no reason. It was as random as it was cruel in some cases.

It was just the luck of the draw.

But his sister had tried to be kind to him that day and so he was going to return the favour. He leant over and kissed her on top of the head as their parents had done since they had both been young. For just a moment Anna leaned into the gesture before sitting back in her chair.

Then she said as she hit the confirm button. "Done."

Whether he approved or not was the tone underneath.

Thomas knew when he was beat and said nothing. The women in his family were as stubborn as the men.

It really was a family trait.

Just as Anna had been about to offer to get up and put the kettle on, for what had to be the hundredth time that day she heard the phone ring.

"Hello!"

"Is Mrs Carson there?" Anna felt her stomach drop at the voice of Patrick Turner.

"Yeah – I will just get her. "

She did not know if any good could come of his ringing.

What if they had found something else?

A small voice said it was ok if they had and in that case they were going to deal with it but she had to admit, she thought their family was dealing with enough as it was.

She rushed up the stairs to her parent's room, her brother hot on her heals.

"Mum – it is the doctor," she said with a swallow.

Elsie nodded and took the phone.

X x x

Elsie put the phone down.

In the time she had been on it William had joined them all in the bed room and he looked just as scared as he others did. It was clear they were all waiting for the next blow but she had a feeling they were all going to see this as good news as she took the call. No, the only one this was a blow to was herself.

"What is it love?" Charles asked.

"There has been a theatre slot come up at the hospital earlier than they thought there was going to be one."

All of them turned to each other with a smiled as she had known they were going to. She was going to get on the road to recovery with any luck sooner than the thought she was going too. They saw this as good news.

But she did not. She saw the hope in their eyes as the sooner this was out the way the better.

But her mind went to Shelagh.

She had said she was going to go and see her. But now – there was no time.

X x x

Maybe it was because they all wanted to put off the inevitable but they did not ring Shelagh to tell her right away. Charles was sure she was going to understand why things had worked out the way that they had.

After all she was a midwife and in the medical profession and so she was going to know why they were pushing Elsie to go for the operation as soon as they could, so they prevented any further spreading of the cancer or any secondary's. Luckily there had not been any which had come to light with scans and so they were hoping for the very best.

Still, not that he was ever going to admit it to his darling Elsie he too felt as if they were letting their eldest child down somewhat – and a taunting little voice in the back of his head said it was it the first time they had done that.

True enough they had kept all the others – but that had been down to timing and certainly not because they had loved them anymore.

Of course one solution to this entire thing would be for him to go down to London on his own but there was a whole host of problems with that.

Firstly, his big mouth. One way or another he always put his foot in it he felt and you only got one chance at a first impression. This was the most important first impression of his life. He would do much better if he had his wife by his side. Secondly, he did not want to rush off to London when he knew that was the only thing in the world that Elsie wanted to do. She was the one who had carried and nurtured the girl and then she had missed her all her life. To take her chance to see their girl without her would be nothing short cruel. And then there was just the fact he could not bear to leave her now.

His heart couldn't with stand it if he was away when she needed him. He had to be there when she went into hospital and he had to be there to bring her home and that was all there was to it.

But he did not want his girl to be on her own either.

That was the last thing he wanted when they had come so far.

What if she took this cancellation as something which it was not?

No. He decided then and there he had to send a substitute. Someone from the family who would reiterated the truth to her.

As the eldest, maybe it should be Thomas but if he knew his son at all then he was not going to leave his mother – nor was William.

That left only one candidate.

"You won't mind a trip down to London over the next few days, will you Anna?"

He could see her go to protest before understanding stopped her. She looked startled for just a moment before becoming stoic – her mother's daughter, entirely.

"It'll be an adventure, dad," she said as she took his hand and squeezed it. If it was up to her then she would not met her sister before her parents got the chance too. But if this was what they wanted then she would not deny them.

X x x

Charles looked at the number on the page.

So this was his Shelagh's phone number. As he looked at it and imagined talking to his daughter all he could feel was the weight of her in his arms so many years ago. And the awful pain when he had had to give her up.

As the one who had come up with the idea to send Anna to Shelagh in Elsie place, Charles felt as if he should also be the one to tell her the news.

And there was no time like the present to do that.

He looked at his daughter's neat hand on the letter and felt a burst of pride.

Then he dialled the number she had supplied.

He had been so amazed by her hand writing – that he was touching something she had – that it was not until he heard the ringing of the other end that he let himself acknowledge that he was very soon going to hear her voice.

"Hello?"

No. there was something in him which knew it was not her on the other end of the line. Other than the fact the voice was far too mature.

"May I speak with Shel – Bernadette? It is Charles Carson."

He did not know if it was a very good idea to give his name but he knew he did not want to panic the girl when she picked up the phone. But he did not want to get the phone put down on him either.

"I will just see if she can come to the phone…" said a voice that suddenly understood the gravity of the situation.

"Thank you."

Then there was silence. He did not think his heart had ever beat so fast just from being on the phone before.

He shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

And realised there was then someone who was breathing on the other end.

So this was it.

"Hello?" he asked. He was not entirely sure the word had not come out as a jumbled mess.

"Hello." Her voice was small and seemed timid to him. He would go gently for the last thing he wished to do was startle to her.

"This is Charles Carson." She knew it but he did not think it would hurt to say it again.

"Yes."

It was as if they were her first words. He remembered that rush of pride when Thomas had said 'mama' and Anna had said 'dada' and William – ever the original – had gone with 'car' as his first.

But it had been three moments which he was never going to forget. And now he had a fourth. It was as if he had completed the sat at long last.

Two words he had heard his eldest child say…. Two words.

But he knew he had to get on with the reason with why he had called.

"She – Bernadette," it was so hard to think of her with any other name save the one they had given to her when she was a baby but he knew he was going to have too. Bernadette was the name she had gone by her entire life.

Yet she had always been Shelagh to him.

"I have got a bit of news about your m-mother, I am afraid," he said as he stumbled over the word which was most important. Would he get shouted down for daring to refer to Elsie as such when another woman had brought her up?

And it was only when the words were out of his mouth he knew how it had sounded…

"Is she ok?" The panic was clear in her voice.

This was not want he wanted.

"She is ok but the date for her operation has been moved forward…"

Bernie could see where this was going but she could not say she cared too much.

"That is wonderful news!"

"Yes – yes it is but…."

"It means she cannot come to London as soon as – " we'd liked – "we planned. It is fine. I - we can wait."

What were a few more months after 28 years?

But nevertheless she was touched by the fact his voice sounded a lot softer when he spoke again.

"But you do not have to if you do not want too. Your sister – our Anna – could not be more excited to meet you and wants to come in our place is that is ok."

The last thing in the world he wanted was for her to feel or to think they did not want to come or were not bothered when that was just the furthest thing from the truth. And she could hear it in his voice.

Her sister. It was an alien concept.

"I would like that very much."

Damn it! Her voice had broken on the last word.

"Good," he said huskily. "Then as soon as she is up to it Elsie and I will be on the first train down."

He did not need to see to know that was nodding.

At that moment Julienne came to her side and took her hand…

Bernie did not think she had ever been so glad to have her there with her.

"Well I will see you soon."

Again she was nodded.

"Goodbye," he longed to say he missed her. That he had always loved her and she had never been out of his thoughts or heart –"my darling girl."

It was all he could have for then but he was going to take it.

"Bye…"

Bernadette put the phone down let her mother put her arms about her.

Then she sobbed.

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