A/N: I must admit, a part of me did feel like I had run out of steam for this story (probably because I've been so busy with other things), and I felt the last chapter was rather lacklustre. But positive feedback from you awesome readers and getting my teeth into this eventful chapter has made me way more enthusiastic! I very rarely write scenes so 'action-packed' (for lack of a better phrase), so this was a cool challenge and I hope I pulled it off. I'd love to know what you think! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!
Eric had yet to tell Kyle the truth about the pass. A day turned into two, three, four, five, nearly a week and Eric had gradually fortified himself from the guilt, anger and anxiety he had previously felt with pleasant denial, transparent excuses that he believed more and more with each passing day. He had to believe them otherwise his delusional shelter would crumble and he would be exposed. But he also knew the longer he withheld the truth, the more he buried himself in intoxicating denial and procrastination the harder the fall, the more smothering the crush.
As well as an abundance of time, Eric also believed he needed to acquire certain things to be able to tell Kyle the truth. As if the truth were some other-worldly entity that could only be conjured by a spell whose components eluded him. The perfect time, the perfect place, and that was hard to gauge when Kyle was blissfully ignorant, oblivious and so trusting that it needled Eric's heart with shame. Kyle had no reason to doubt anything he had said before, and whether he liked it or not, Eric had given him a reason now. While he waited for the elusive, ideal setting Eric also clung to the belief that the opening of the pass was news Kyle wasn't interested in, that he was content where he was with Eric. It wasn't entirely delusional, this notion that Kyle was happy here, but the idea of Kyle abandoning his new life before it barely began to stay up in the mountains forever was ludicrous. The implication that a person as bright and ambitious as Kyle were to be denied to touch the lives of others was selfish and unfair, when Eric knew that making a difference to the world was something Kyle was determined to do, and something Eric knew he was capable of. Just look at what he had made of him in such a short space of time. But Kyle was happy despite his ignorance, and that was the very foundation of Eric's self-preservation barricade. He was more than willing to indulge in Kyle's ignorance if it meant he didn't have to be without him.
Hunting season was officially over (though not all animals were off limits), and Eric decided to stay in and organise his next stall for the county fair in the spring. Kyle was eager to assist him in this, and the both of them were sat around the kitchen table crowded with preserves, labelling each one.
"Okay, this one is?" Kyle asked, holding up a jar with crimson contents.
Eric glanced at Kyle, setting aside the chutney he had already labelled. He looked at the jar and was reminded of the toasty, perfumed kitchen, Kyle's chin stained with fruit and his cheeks flushed. He smirked.
"What you and I made together…"
Kyle smiled fondly to himself and as he wrote he muttered, "Raspberry jam…"
Picking up another jar filled to the brim with pink Kyle asked, "And this one is?"
Eric thought of drowsy early mornings, springy scarlet curls and heard the crunch of toast.
"Your favourite," he smiled.
"Strawberry jam…" Kyle murmured with a small grin, labelling the jar. "It's amazing, how you know what each one is just by looking at them… and be so certain about them too."
Eric shrugged. "I've made enough of them to be able to tell the difference."
"But what if you get it wrong?"
"Doesn't matter, it's not as if I'll ever find out."
"Your customers at the county fair never try out your preserves in front of you?" Kyle asked, leaning forward in his chair and smirking. "You don't offer any free samples?"
"No…" Eric chuckled, shaking his head before something occurred to him and he became suddenly shy, rubbing the nape of his neck. "You should come with me, to the next county fair."
Kyle met Eric's gaze, holding it in his special, tantalising way that still made the possibility of rejection flicker in Eric's mind, before he beamed.
"I'd love to," he replied. "I've never been to one before."
"It's fun," Eric grinned, relieved. "At least, it looks pretty fun from my stall. They have a rodeo and a fairground…"
"Is that how you celebrate all your hard-earned money?" Kyle teased. "Blowing it all on Ferris wheels and ghost trains and cotton candy?"
"No, I usually go straight home," Eric replied sheepishly.
"Well, when you take me I am not letting you go home without a little visit to the fair first," Kyle said in an almost scolding manner, determined for Eric to have fun.
"Alright," Eric muttered, smiling to himself.
Talk of not-so-distant springs and fairgrounds made the pass seem miles away, and whether or not it was open irrelevant. That is, until the ringing phone drilled through the wonderful illusion and fear lurched in Eric's stomach.
Kyle, unfazed, stood up and announced, "I'll get it-"
"No!" Eric stood up immediately, the panicked tone of his voice was drowned out by the sudden scrape of wood on wood as he pushed his chair back. "It's fine, I'll get it-"
Kyle's brow creased, but he was still smiling. He was still unaware. "But I'm already up-"
"Kyle, seriously, I'll get it," Eric said, moving quickly to block Kyle's path.
The crease in Kyle's brow deepened into a more concerned dent and he raked his gaze over Eric, trying to decipher his intentions. A small, perplexed chuckle escaped his lips.
"Why don't you want me to answer the phone?" he asked.
"I… I, um…" Eric's once firm grasp on deceit was slipping, loosening under Kyle's intent gaze. "I don't know…"
"Then we don't have a problem," Kyle said flippantly, brushing past Eric with ease.
"Kyle!" He blurted out, but before he could stop him Kyle had already picked up the phone.
There was nothing more Eric could do. He had envisioned his fortress crumbling, but he never assumed Kyle would breach the boundaries. Helpless, Eric stood there and waited with his heart in his throat.
"Hello?" Kyle said, before chuckling and shaking his head. "No, no, this isn't him- " Kyle moved the phone away from his mouth and whispered, "it's the rangers…"
Eric didn't respond, he already knew who was calling and Kyle continued talking to them:
"My name's Kyle, Eric has been kind enough to let me stay here until the pass clears…" Kyle's smile had vanished, and it was the first time Eric had to consider whether he would see it again. "Excuse me? But you didn't inform Eric of that- you did?" Kyle looked at Eric, eyes widened with betrayal. Eric's mouth opened to speak but Kyle had already averted his gaze. "No, he didn't tell me… okay, I'll let him know you called. Thank you. Goodbye."
Kyle hung up and placed the phone back on the wall. It was so silent in the kitchen that Eric was sure he heard the joints moving in Kyle's arm when he performed the action. Silence had existed between them before, and it had seemed like they had experienced every hue; awkward, nervous, sleepy, content. But this was new, this was dreaded and awful. This was devastating, and sound and conversation and warmth and forgiveness seemed too out of reach, impossible to recover. Kyle wasn't even looking at Eric, his head was bowed, but Eric could still make out his features. His eyes were shining, his breaths were ragged and his lips were pursed. Eventually he lifted his frightened gaze to Eric and fixed it there, it was torment, the look on Kyle's face. It was punishing enough, when Eric knew it was only the beginning, that he would be constantly paying for this.
Again, Eric tried to speak but he couldn't. If he had been waiting for the perfect time, this certainly wasn't it. He was forced to confess now, and the process would be excruciating. His fingers flexed, instinct urging him to reach out to Kyle and comfort him but Kyle's devastated gaze held him too tightly to move. It had also drained his mind of coherent thought that would translate into apologies and excuses. The minutes dragged on but Eric was stagnant, they both were.
Then, movement. Kyle stepped back, the small groan of the floorboards giving him away. If he were a stag in the forest who had met the steely eye of Eric's rifle that floorboard would have been a crunching fall leaf, a stray twig. The stag would have bolted at that fatal noise.
Eric finally managed to get out, "Kyle-"
It was then Kyle chose to fled, leaving Eric bewildered. He could hear Kyle sprinting up the stairs and he snapped himself out of his daze to follow him.
"Kyle!" Eric shouted from the bottom of the stairs. Kyle was already at the top and he disappeared from his view. "Kyle, wait! Come down here!"
Eric followed him and was panting when he reached the top step, eyes darting around the small, empty hallway.
"Kyle!" He shouted, before trying the bedroom door but the handle was jammed. Kyle must have wedged something under it. "God damn it..." Eric muttered, before he started to pound on the door. He shouted, "Kyle, open up! Let me in! Let me talk to you!"
"Talk to you?! Talk to you about what?!" Kyle replied, his voice carrying through the door. "You want me to let you in here so you can lie to me some more?! Or do God knows what to me?! Why did you even lie to me in the first place?! Why should I believe anything you tell me?! I… I… Oh fuck…"
Eric winced at the implications Kyle was conjuring in his panicked mind, and he tried with his all his strength to twist the stubborn doorknob.
"Kyle, it's not like that! You know it's not like that! Let me explain!"
"I don't want to hear it!"
Eric finally released the doorknob with a defeated growl, seething.
"You can't lock yourself in there!" He yelled. "This is my fucking bedroom now open up!"
"I have to go home…" Eric heard Kyle say desperately to himself. "I have to get the fuck out of here…"
Panic had been quickly flooding Eric's mind and now he was in danger of drowning in it. He had to talk to Kyle, he had to see him, he had to stop whatever his alarmed mind was planning right now before hysteria got the better of both of them. Helpless, Eric began to rattle the doorknob again.
"God damn it, Kyle, let me in!" He begged. "Please let me in!"
A new noise floated from under the door. Not muttering, whispering, or anxious pacing, but the unlatching of the window, igniting terror in Eric so pervasive that it shook from every pore.
"Kyle?" He asked, pressing his ear to the door, unable to raise his shrunken voice.
No answer.
"Kyle?!" He yelled. "What the hell are you doing in there?! Kyle, answer me!"
Silence. New again. This time, horrifying.
Eric drifted away from the door feeling completely weightless. Panting and trembling, he realised that he would have to break the door down if he wanted to get in that room, but how could be break it down when fear had drained him? Adrenaline. Kyle. The former was what he had to call upon for strength and the latter was where he could find it. Rolling his shoulders back and willing his shakes to subdue, Eric stepped back, glared at the door like a football player may glare at the opposite team, the way a bull might glare at a matador, and charged, using the force of his massive, bulging shoulder in the hopes of forcing the door open, flinging it off his hinges.
The first attempt was unsuccessful but he swore he could hear something splinter, feel something shift. The wall rattled, and seething Eric backed away once more, prepared himself, rolled his shoulders though now one felt numb. He charged again and the hinge fell away from the doorframe, lopsided and impotent. Eric stumbled into the room like a bewildered, defensive bear. He felt too big, unnatural and clumsy, his body aching. His threadbare breathing filled the room as he examined it, saw that Kyle had moved the small nightstand and propped it under the doorknob, it now lay on the floor, drawers opened.
The window was open, the curtains fluttering and the snow floating in but Kyle wasn't there. Eric gulped, blinked, his eyes stinging from the sweat that had gathered on his lids.
"Kyle?" The name slipped out of his mouth, fragile and threadbare.
Eric stumbled to the window and peered out, plunging his searing face into the cold. He looked down and saw Kyle in the snow, struggling to get up. He had jumped from the window, the drop wasn't large but foolish to attempt. Eric watched, stunned, as Kyle picked himself up and it was only when he started to run through the snow did urgency pull Eric from his shock.
"Shit!" He muttered, his adrenaline rushing him out the bedroom, down the stairs and out the front door.
"Kyle!" He called out before running into the snow.
The layers of snow and whatever injury Kyle had obtained from his jump made it easy for Eric to catch up to him, tackling him to the ground. Despite their exhaustion, they were vehement in their struggle, swift and strong and relentless, even if their weary panting betrayed them, the sweat that glistened on their faces even in the freezing temperature.
"Let me go!" Kyle demanded, determined to wriggle out of Eric's grip. "Get the fuck off me!"
"No!" Eric replied, gruff and preoccupied with holding Kyle down.
"Let go of me, Eric!"
Through the snowfall and the blur of restless, fighting limbs, Eric was trying to recall Kyle's beautiful, expressive face. Flashes of memory, Kyle looking at him with exasperation, amusement, fondness, ecstasy sliced through the frantic present, but not long enough for Eric to capture. He mourned those wonderful expressions, fought off the notion that this furious, contemptuous Kyle was the last he'd see.
Eric squeezed Kyle's wrists and pinned him to the snow, bearing down on him and unwittingly putting pressure on Kyle's injury. An ankle, he realised, sprained. Kyle cried out and seized beneath Eric, his face was flushed with pain and tears erupted from his eyes sealed tightly shut.
"Kyle?!" Eric exclaimed, horrified with himself. "Oh God, I'm sorry-"
Kyle head-butted him, and dazed, weakened, Eric relinquished his grip and Kyle hastily took the opportunity to escape. But he was in too much pain to flee, to move. He sunk, whimpering, into the snow. He propped himself up with his hands, every movement sluggish and he was swaying. Tears roamed his reddened cheeks and his glistening eyes were boring into Eric.
"Now you're sorry?!" He seethed.
Eric was sat in the snow too, some distance between them. He pressed a hand to his forehead, skull throbbing. His threadbare breaths were intertwined with the wind and Kyle's gaze was like a resentful flame beneath Eric's heart, burning it to a crisp.
"I never meant to hurt you…" he said softly, pathetically.
"Too late!" Kyle cried.
Eric towered over Kyle when he stood up, casting his wobbling shadow over him. He felt like he could collapse any minute. He stared at Kyle with weary eyes, and he refused to focus in Eric's filmy vision. But Kyle's anger that brimmed over his broken, bewildered form was still clear.
"You need to come back with me…" Eric said, voice weak, every word was effort.
"What?!"
"You have to… your leg… I need to talk to you…"
"I don't want to go anywhere with you!" Kyle cried. "I'd rather stay out here and freeze!"
"Kyle…" Eric's face crumpled in despair and he staggered forward. Kyle flinched and tried to back away. "Please…"
Eric held out his hand for Kyle to take but he turned his head.
"No!" He shouted. "Leave me alone!"
A defiant, stubborn move but Eric could see the fresh tears threatening to fall from his lashes, his pursed, conflicted lips. It only made Eric feel more wretched, to see Kyle sobbing in the snow. He exhaled, and his heart creaked.
"Come on," he murmured and before Kyle could protest, he shoved his hands under his arms and lifted him up.
"Eric, put me down!" Kyle demanded, but Eric ignored him.
He had to be careful, not wanting to aggravate Kyle's injury when he placed him over his shoulder. But Kyle whimpered and groaned in pain anyway, and Eric winced, hitching him up delicately to ensure Kyle was secure.
"Put me down!" Kyle exclaimed, punching Eric's back as he returned to the cabin. "I don't want to go back! I want to leave, put me down now! Eric!"
Eric ignored him, put up with the feeble punches, and focused on mentally locating the first aid kit he knew he had in the cabin somewhere. He was detached, resigned, trying to accept the consequences of his reckless decision and deal with them accordingly. But he still felt angry, still felt upset, still felt cheated.
In his haste, Eric had left the front door open to chase after Kyle and the stark daylight that stretched across the dim, exposed hallway and the wispy snow that had blown in made the cabin appear bleak and uninviting. Eric kicked the door shut behind him, the slam hard enough that it bellowed through the house and he gently set Kyle down, finally granting his request to be released.
Kyle stumbled as his feet met the floor, scrambling in his much-wanted freedom and not knowing how to adjust his equilibrium when he was unable to put weight on his one foot. But that didn't deter him from putting as much distance as he could between he and Eric, limping and wincing and Kyle's eyes were trained on Eric as he backed away, unable to estimate his next move. Wariness was familiar to Eric and he understood it from strangers, but Kyle had always been so brave.
Kyle clutched the bannister of the stairs to support himself, shoulders hunched and breaths coming rapidly. Eric frowned at such a vulnerable display, felt his charred heart tighten at seeing Kyle so scared, and hated how it was all his fault. He kept his distance, kept the moment calm and impatient.
"Kyle, none of this was to hurt you," he finally spoke. "You have to understand that. I thought I was doing the right thing…"
As his tone melted into imploration Eric stepped closer, unsurprised when Kyle flinched and backed away although it still stung.
"I know what this must look like and… a-a-and it's awful," Eric continued, swallowing the lump in his throat after he had admitted the nature of what he had done. "I feel awful but I wanted to do what was right, I thought this was right-"
"Lying to me?!" Kyle snapped. "You felt lying to me was right?!"
"It's not like that!" Eric argued, voice straining with desperation. "I didn't think…" he ran a hand through his hair, trying to make sense of the rationalities he thought he had been so sure of. "The rangers called me a-a-and they told me the pass was open and all I could picture was you leaving me and it was all too much! I couldn't bear it, Kyle, I can't bear to think of my life without you now and when I had to tell you I just-"
"Lied?!"
Eric wished Kyle would stop saying that word, and even though he knew what Kyle's response would be, he stepped closer. Kyle had no other choice but to back himself up against the wall. He was trembling, and Eric could see his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat.
"Panicked," Eric released the word in a single, defeated breath. "I… I, I panicked."
Another silence, also new. Deliberating, suspicious and – to Eric, at least – asphyxiating. Kyle's doubt was choking him. And although Kyle could doubt Eric's justifications, he couldn't doubt that Eric loved him. An unmatched, wholehearted love. A love that Eric still believed to be reciprocated, that still existed beneath Kyle's anger and only exacerbated the severity of Eric's actions.
"I was scared," Eric continued, voice soft. "I was scared that if I told you the pass was clear I'd lose everything. Kyle…"
Eric lifted his hand and reached out to touch Kyle, but Kyle recoiled like Eric's fingers were a band of hissing cobras.
"No!" He shouted, batting Eric's hand away. "Don't touch me!"
Head turned, Kyle was still shaking and his cheeks were still dewy with tears. Kyle's rejection left Eric reeling, his hand withering as he retrieved it. Kyle had always welcomed his touch, had requested it coyly and begged for it in earnest but now he was cautious, as if it were dangerous. It was then Eric realised that Kyle wasn't just angry with him, he was afraid of him, and on this day filled with pain nothing had hurt more.
Hanging his head in shame, Eric backed off, giving Kyle the space he obviously wanted and needed. His bitter green eyes had been staring at the floor contemplatively, but when he finally lifted them to Eric his previous fear was assuaged by rage and disdain, Kyle's own personal fortress. When Eric looked closer, he detected the small flare of Kyle's nostrils, his tight, pursed lips barely containing all the vitriol he had ready to unleash.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" He asked, his voice not cutting through the silence, but making an incision deep enough to rouse discomfort. "Or would I have had to spend the rest of my life up here with you if not for that damn phone call? I mean, what the fuck did you think you were doing, Eric?! Were you thinking at all?! You said you panicked but is that the truth? Or are you just that… that… calculating?"
Eric winced, averting his gaze and shaking his head. He tried to will away what Kyle was implying, denying Kyle could think such things about him.
"No…" he murmured, before raising his voice and pleading, "no, you know it's not like that…"
"Oh, I do, huh? I thought I knew a lot of things, Eric!" Kyle continued, voice sharper, cutting deeper. "I thought I knew the real you but I have no idea who you are anymore! Maybe this is the real you!" Kyle gestured reproachfully to him then. "Maybe you're a better actor than I thought! Maybe this kind of twisted, possessive, sick behaviour is what I should expect from somebody who hasn't had real human interaction for nearly twenty years!" Kyle's voice broke then, fissured, and tears swam there. "You don't get to fucking keep people, Eric! You have no right to lie to me and keep me up here just because you, you… love me! If this is what you think love is! When I'm just as much of an acquirement to you as those poor mounted heads on the wall!"
Eric's restraint, his ability to withstand such horrid accusations and assumptions gave way.
"Shut the fuck up!" He roared, clenching his fists and storming over to Kyle.
Kyle flinched then and hobbled away, but still Eric's shadow towered over him. Eric's eyes burned with the intensity of his glare, angry breaths compressed through his nostrils and it was only when the initial tide of offense, of rage subsided did he realise what he had morphed into in Kyle's eyes, what he had reduced Kyle to; frightened, broken, paranoid. Why should he be mad at Kyle when he had so much to be ashamed of? When he was responsible for all of this because of his own malignant fears?
Eric's gaze grew misty and he shook his head. He needed to think, he needed to escape this destructive stage where so much disaster had happened, he needed to get out. Brushing past Kyle, Eric stomped upstairs and entered his ruined bedroom, grabbing his rifle from the top of his closet. Kyle glanced at him when he heard Eric descending the stairs, eyes flashing warily at the sight of Eric's rifle. Eric grimaced at Kyle's fear, and headed for the front door, grabbing his jacket from the coat rack.
"Where are you going?" Kyle asked.
"Out," Eric replied, opening the door. The wind was howling now and he sighed at what he was leaving behind, so precious and so precarious. He asked Kyle over his shoulder, "you'll be here when I come back won't you?"
You won't run away again?
That was what he really wanted to ask.
Kyle didn't answer, and so Eric turned around, facing him properly.
"I'll be here," Kyle nodded, staring hard at Eric. "But only because we need to talk."
Not the grandest reassurance, but a reassurance nonetheless. Eric nodded and left the cabin, for the first time in weeks reaching into his jacket pocket and locking the door behind them. Their trust was now fractured.