Chapter 11: A Time to Embrace
The next morning, Tessy was startled awake by a steady pounding on the door. She had curled up on the sofa, and she noted that Elphaba still lay before her, breathing evenly. Bala was curled up at Elphaba's side, in the crook created by her body. The cat would not be shooed away, Tessy had discovered, as though she were keeping watch over Elphaba herself.
Tessy rubbed the fatigue from her eyes and rose, against the complaining of her joints, and shuffled slowly to the door. She pulled it open to reveal a tall, slender young man. His dark hair was unruly and a little longer than was common. He clutched an overcoat in his hands, as though he did not completely understand the dry, Kansas heat.
Tessy raised her eyebrows and asked warily, "Can I help you?"
"I'm sorry," the man looked confused, "I'm looking for the Proctor residence…"
Tessy studied him, raking her eyes over him as if to determine whether he might be armed or dangerous, or if she could take him in a brawl. Seeing him fidget nervously, she deemed him harmless. She opened the door wider and gestured for him to come inside.
"I'll get Mae and Wilbur," Tessy offered curtly.
"Thank you, but I'm looking for…Miss Elphaba," his words caught in his throat as his eyes adjusted to the lamplight. His gaze was fixed on the woman lying prostrate on the cot in front of the fireplace. Her body was blanketed, but her skin was clearly green, even in the soft light.
"What—?" he started to ask, clearly alarmed.
"I think you owe me your name, and some sort of explanation before I tell you anything," Tessy's tone was defensive, her arms folded tightly, "I don't intend to see any further harm come to my friend here."
"I'm sorry," the man shook his head and extended his hand, "My name is Adrian."
Tessy shook his hand cautiously.
"I've only known Miss Elphaba for a few weeks. We met quite by chance, at the local library. She was interested in my work, and we'd been meeting. However, she failed to appear for the past several Thursdays, and I was concerned…" Adrian trailed off, looking a little afraid, as though Tessy might chase him out the door at any moment.
"What is your work?" Tessy demanded.
"I work for a professor in Boston. I am a scientist…specifically theoretical physics," Adrian offered.
Tessy studied him for a long moment before deciding he was harmless. His field of study did sound like something the ever-unusual Elphaba would be interested in.
"Have a seat," Tessy tried to smile a little, "I'll make some coffee."
Adrian perched carefully on the edge of a chaise. He tried to avert his eyes, but he was clearly disturbed by Elphaba's very still form before him. Mae and Wilbur clumped down the stairs just then, hastily dressed and a little disheveled. Mae looked relieved when she took in the scene in the living room.
"We heard voices and were worried…" Mae explained, studying Adrian as she crossed to help Tessy in the kitchen.
The young man stood and offered his hand to Wilbur, "My name is Adrian. I'm sorry to have called at your home so early," he apologized.
"So you're the young man from the library," Wilbur relaxed a little in recognition. He shook Adrian's hand and commented, "Elphaba spoke well of you."
"It's nice to finally meet you Adrian," Mae called from the kitchen, "Join us at the table for breakfast and Tessy can fill you in. She knows more than we do."
Adrian nodded his acceptance and took a seat at the long supper table. He gratefully accepted warm coffee, and, after several minutes, freshly warmed biscuits and homemade jam. Tessy slowly filled him in on the details of their journey to Dallas, struggling to make sense of Elphaba's frantic search for a man they knew only as Fiyero.
"I don't know what all they did to her," Tessy finished the story softly, "We just saw the outcome…"
"That's horrendous, that someone would do that. But she never mentioned this Fiyero to me," Adrian commented softly.
The others were nodding their agreement when a low moan from the direction of the fireplace startled them. Tessy bolted toward the living area to grasp one of Elphaba's slender, green hands.
"Elphie?" she whispered.
Mae, Wilbur, and Adrian were close behind, each finding a seat a few feet from where Elphaba lay.
"Elphie? It's Tessy…" she tried again, pulling her chair close enough to sit and watch her friend.
Quiet descended momentarily, as none of them dared to make a sound. The air thickened and crackled with anticipation. Finally, Elphaba stirred slightly and fluttered her eyes. Bala opened her eyes at the same time and perked up her ears, as if sensing something had changed.
"She flinches like this sometimes, as if she might be having nightmares," Mae offered, not entirely sure that Elphaba would awaken.
Not willing to give up hope, Tessy squeezed Elphaba's hand between hers. To her surprise, Elphaba gripped her hand in return. Mae drew a quick breath and shuffled over to the opposite side of the cot. She held one hand against Elphaba's forehead, and found that it was finally cool after days of blistering fever.
"Elphaba?" Mae asked softly.
The green woman fluttered her eyes again, and then slowly opened them. She struggled to focus on the faces around her. She licked her lips and turned toward Tessy.
"Nyalana?" Elphaba asked, her voice scratchy and barely audible.
Tessy shook her head in confusion, "No, Elphie…it's me, Tessy," she clarified.
Elphaba's expression cleared, and recognition colored her dark eyes. Reality seemed to wash over her, and her expression hardened. She raised one hand slowly and stroked Bala's head, drawing a purr from the kitten. No one spoke for several long moments.
"He's dead isn't he?" Elphaba had resignation in her voice, "It was all for nothing, because he must be dead…"
"Who?" Tessy asked.
"Fiyero…" Elphaba's answer was directed at no one, her voice a whisper.
Tessy swallowed hard, "We don't know…he must have been there…and we were so close…"
"What's wrong with me?" Elphaba's attention suddenly turned back to Mae.
Mae tried to smile, "I think you're doing much better, now. You've got a lot of bruising and one heck of a gash on the side of your face. You've also got some fractured ribs, but the fever was the biggest worry. You've been incoherent for days, but I'd say the drugs have taken care of it. You'll be fine," Mae tried to sound encouraging.
"Can I get up?" Elphaba asked curtly.
"I suppose…" Mae was still considering it when Elphaba started trying to pull herself to a sitting position. She and Tessy both quickly reached out and took Elphaba's long, slender arms and helped her pull herself upright. Bala begrudgingly uncurled herself and leapt onto the nearest sofa.
It took both Tessy and Mae to help Elphaba, who insisted not only on getting up, but on leaving the cot to sit on the nearby sofa. She wrapped a blanket tightly around herself, as she was dressed in only a thin nightgown. She quietly accepted a little breakfast from Mae, which she ate solemnly, and without comment.
Adrian finally cleared his throat and addressed her, "I missed you the past few weeks. I was concerned…" he felt the need to explain his presence.
"You needn't concern yourself with me. I can promise you I have very little to offer you," Elphaba snapped, her voice still soft and shaking.
Mae approached and laid a hand on Elphaba's shoulder, "There's no need to get upset," her voice was comforting, "You've been very sick…"
Elphaba shook her off, her eyes cold and hard, "You're right. There's no need to get upset. There's no need to get upset or happy, or sad or angry. There's no need to feel. Not in Oz, not here, not in one life or another," Elphaba paused and the air crackled with tense silence, "Different world, but the same unending torment…" With that, she stood and, although trembling, made her way to the stairs.
Mae leapt up to stop her as she tried to ascend, "No! Elphaba…no. You should rest. There's no need to push yourself," Mae pleaded, trying to take her arm.
Elphaba shook her off. Mae looked startled, and Elphaba knew they could see the raw bitterness in her eyes. As the others stood in shock, she pulled herself up the stairs against the protesting of her trembling, aching body. She knew they wanted to help her, that they loved or cared for her. Still, she was enveloped by a cocoon of pain and anger, much as she had felt in her final days at Kiamo Ko. Her heart felt cold, her hope extinguished.
By the time she reached her bedroom, she was exhausted, dizzy, and nauseated from the effort. Elphaba climbed painfully into the large bed and pulled the quilts to her chin. Bala had padded up the stairs behind her, and she could now leap deftly onto the bed, where she curled up next to Elphaba.
Sad?
Elphaba heard the one word question with clarity. It caused something within her to snap, and tears spilled down her cheeks. She felt as if she'd awoken from a cloudy pool of nightmares to a crisp, painful reality that left her with little hope. The dependable cruelty of man had dealt her a crushing blow, and had snuffed out the flicker of hope she'd felt. She had allowed herself to want again, to hope for a future that might be different from her past. And now she was only left with more scars.
As the tears fell, the hollowness within her grew. Elphaba began to wonder how long it might take her to die alone in this room, and whether the great cosmos that Adrian talked about would care to notice her absence.
Mae was not surprised when Elphaba did not emerge from her room the next day, or the next. She had seen the emptiness in her eyes, and realized it was different than the guarded expression Elphaba had worn so far. Now, she looked resigned, defeated, and crushed beyond repair. It grieved Mae terribly.
As she stood in the kitchen a few days hence, worrying, Mae nearly burned the fried chicken she was painstakingly cooking. Tessy finished setting the table and approached, sensing Mae's distress.
"I'm worried about her too," Tessy offered softly, having bonded easily with Mae over the last two days, "She'll starve if she doesn't eat…"
Mae nodded, sitting dishes of food on the table. Tessy began to make a plate for Elphaba, as had become their ritual. They brought food to her room at each meal, even though Elphaba refused to touch a bite. She left off the meat, respectfully remembering that Elphaba wouldn't eat it.
As Mae called Wilbur in from the yard, Tessy climbed the stairs with a plate that made her mouth water. Even without the chicken, Mae's hand-smashed potatoes, fried okra, and stewed apples were worth fighting for.
"If she won't eat this, she won't eat anything…" Tessy mumbled to herself as she approached Elphaba's door. She pushed open the solid door and found Elphaba on the window seat, looking statuesque in the afternoon light. Her hair was once again tightly knotted, her nightgown grey and dingy, her skin pallid. To Tessy, she could be a corpse already. She crossed the room and set the plate on the seat beside Elphaba. The green woman turned blank and hollow eyes toward her.
"Elphie…" Tessy tried, "You have to eat…"
There was no response. Elphaba wordlessly turned back to gaze out at the silent, waving barley fields.
Tessy dropped her head in defeat and clumped back downstairs. She shook her head sadly as she took her place at the supper table. Mae sighed despondently and bowed her head to pray.
The next several days passed in much the same fashion. Elphaba would do no more than sip water that Tessy left for her, and had resorted to laying on the window seat with a ragged pillow propped under her head. She stared constantly out the window, watching the blazing colors of the sunset and napping frequently. Tessy was afraid that if this continued, Elphaba would wither away and become nothing more than a streak in the western sky.
Bala refused to leave her, nibbling from the food that was left and sleeping curled up in the crook formed by Elphaba's knees. Tessy was sure Elphaba talked to the young animal when they were alone, and Bala seemed strangely able to understand.
"She talks to the cat," Tessy told Mae over morning coffee on the seventh day.
"I know," Mae answered with a sigh, "but she's done that since she arrived. She says she talks to animals. And I'm inclined to believe her, based on the way she can ride Jasper."
Tessy furrowed her brow and considered this, "Still, something has to be done. She can't be more than a few days away from starving herself. She was weak and thin to begin with…"
Mae nodded slowly, "I know, but she's a grown woman. We cannot force her to eat."
"Then we've got to make her want to," Tessy clenched her fists in frustration.
"Nothing's going to make her want to eat. She's beyond convincing. She's not feeling the hunger, the pain. She's not feeling anything, and that's more dangerous than anger or hatred. It's easy to waste away if you truly feel nothing," Mae observed, showing the wisdom gained by her age and her own hardships.
"Then we've got to make her feel…something!" Tessy burst out in frustration. She slammed her first ineffectively on the solid, maple table.
In that same moment, the two women heard a resounding thud from upstairs. They bolted up the steps to the third floor, stumbling over themselves as they pushed through the door into Elphaba's room. She lay on the floor, having fallen from the window seat. Her eyelids fluttered a little, and her breathing was shallow.
Tessy ran to her friend and knelt beside her, "Elphie?" she shook her slightly, "Elphie?"
Elphaba finally opened her eyes, and Mae helped her sit upright as she tried to focus. After a moment, Mae asked, "What happened?"
"She fainted," Tessy answered for her.
Elphaba considered this for a moment before glancing back at the window seat.
"Did you hear me Elphaba?" Tessy voice took on an edge, "You fainted. You're starving yourself to death. If you keep this up, we're going to come up here one day and find you dead on the floor!"
Elphaba's only response was to wrap one arm around her ribs, where she'd obviously aggravated her injury in the fall.
Tessy stood up, fighting back tears of frustration, "So help me, you and I have both been through too much in our lives for you to give up now! I know we haven't known each other that long, but you almost inspired me to want to be something more than who I've become! I left the home I had to be here for you! I care about you! You're going to feel something if it kills us both!" she screamed. Then she stormed from the room, leaving Mae holding Elphaba's hand and looking shocked.
Tessy returned several minutes later carrying a large bucket, with her face set in bold determination.
"Get out of the way, Mae," she ordered, though not unkindly.
"Tessy?" Mae started to question, but she saw love beneath the anger on Tessy's face. She stood up and backed away.
Tessy hefted the bucket into both arms and dumped its contents over Elphaba's unmoving form.
The water wasn't cold. The Kansas sun had warmed it to beyond the lukewarm point, but the shock was still evident. Elphaba gasped and sputtered, wiping the hair from her eyes and shaking her hands in disbelief. For the first time in more than a week, she focused clearly on Tessy, her eyes smoldering.
"How could you! You've got absolutely no right—" Elphaba started, her voice sharp.
"I've got every right!" Tessy countered, "Am I supposed to sit here and watch my only friend starve herself to death!"
"That's my choice! It's not yours to make!" Elphaba struggled to her feet, clutching the bed post for support. She was trembling and clearly desperately weak, but anger drove her.
"I don't believe you're in any position to know how to make a decent choice!" Tessy spat back.
"You cannot choose for me!" Elphaba growled, "Go live your life and leave me alone!"
Tessy picked up the bucket again and flung the last drops of water in Elphaba's face, "You think you can't feel? You think you don't care? Well look at yourself now! You're angry! You're angry because I'm taking away your right to choose, or maybe just because you're filthy and soaking wet, but you're still angry! You can feel! And what do you think, that you have a corner on suffering? Do you think you're the only person in this world who's ever endured a tragedy? You are not the only person who's ever hurt this badly! Maybe it's time to stop being angry over what the world takes from you, and consider what you might be able to give back!"
Elphaba was still shaking, her eyes blazing, her lips twitching with potential responses, but she remained silent.
Mae stepped forward then, and pulled Elphaba into the nearest chair. She took one slender hand and said, "Child, I know you hurt. I know you hurt so bad you wish you could curl up and die. I know what it means to lose everything that matters to you, we both do," she gave Tessy a meaningful look, "but your life is not over. The good Lord has seen fit to leave you here another day, and you have plenty to give."
Elphaba looked skeptical, but Mae continued.
"You have a lot of life left to live. True, you're not a young girl anymore, but you're young enough to have a family, or start a career. Become a doctor, a farmer, a teacher or whatever else makes you happy. Don't let your tragedy end your life. You have too much to give."
Elphaba swallowed hard, finding it difficult to pull away from Mae's strong, parental nature, "You think he's dead, don't you? You think I should give up. It was ridiculous of me to have new hope that he was alive…" Elphaba choked out.
Mae took a deep breath and considered her response, "None of us can know that, child. But if he is alive, what Elphaba do you want him to find? Would he really want to find the woman he loves throwing away all that she is? You are more than green skin and a haunted past, and there are some wrongs in this world you'll never right. But there is at least one thing out there you can change. There is good you can do, and there are talents you have to share. Start with that, for now."
Elphaba studied the floor for a moment, lost in thought. She dropped her head and, after a moment, they realized she was biting back tears. To Tessy's surprise, Elphaba allowed Mae to wrap her in a tight embrace. Mae stroked her hair, despite the water, and Tessy determined they were more like mother and daughter than either would admit.