Disclaimer: Characters belong to SM.
A/N: I nearly write anymore. I'm sorry. I try to, but it doesn't flow as easily as it used to.
A Demon's Faith - Within Temptation
Now that you know
Your way in this madness
Your powers are gone
Your chains have been broken
You've suffered so long
You will never change
11. Fog
The police crossed my mind. My image of the police was that they would be able to fix all my problems. They were able to help me and tell me what to do. I could tell somebody about my problems, and maybe tell them the truth. Not just bits of the stories, but all of it. They would understand me, because I hadn't done anything wrong. I was innocent and they would see that.
The only problems and ironic thing was that Charlie was the police.
And maybe I could talk to another police officer, but with the knowledge of Charlie being a colleague of that other police officer, made me reconsider my choice.
I was not going to go to the police. Maybe they were able to help me, but not today.
The rain was pouring and I was soaking wet already, but I barely cared. It helped me, somehow, the cold and the wet. I felt horrible and the rain was something that people generally hated. They avoided it and you never saw people walking through the rain with a smile on their face or laughing. They always looked as if they were eating a lemon or as if their nose was going to fall off from the cold.
I liked it now. The sounds of it falling heavily on the mud, running over my face and cooling it down. It was relaxing.
I felt lost and alone, as if I was the only person on the world. The rain was also depressing in that way. It made everything seem more gray.
The walk I was taking, was long and I had gotten myself lost on purpose. I didn't want to go back, and this way I couldn't. I refused myself a warm house and a bed to sleep in. I was feeling lost, so why not get lost?
The trees were much different now, taller and thinner and the sun had taken a different angle, which meant I had walked completely in another direction. At first I had tried to walk back home, because I knew a path through this forest that would lead me back home, but I had left that path long time ago.
"Smoke it, bitch!"
"Rosalie, why-"
"I said smoke it or I'll burn you with this lighter! Make that white skin get a nice colour."
My eyes widened. My mind was screaming at me that she was crazy, but it didn't matter because crazy or not, she wanted me to really smoke the joint. I tried asked her why she was doing this to me and why she wouldn't leave me alone, but each time she cut me off with a remark that was mostly a threat.
"I'll kick you if you don't smoke."
"Smoke it, or I'll really hit you! I'll hit you!"
"I swear it, smoke it now or else I will hurt you."
At some point I was gasping for air and she pushed the beginning of the joint towards my mouth and my weaker part blew the smoke in my mouth, only to inhale it. I coughed the smoke out violently as the sobbing began and my plea's meant nothing to Rosalie and those others, who were mainly on the background, but still there.
I wondered if it would help to as them for help. Even though they wanted me hurt as well, they were just standing there, doing nothing, just watching each Rosalie's next move or my next words.
"Enough..." I coughed. "I ca-can't-"
But as she brought the end to my mouth, I knew I had to do it again.
"Again," she demanded. "Again. Again. Lauren light another one. Again. Again."
I was dying and drowning, just like that man said in those lyrics. But I've been here before and I already know the feeling. Just because it's much worse now, doesn't change the feelings. They're still there and it still hurt.
Somewhere along that line, they had lit another one and most of that smoke had reached my lungs and brain. They were damaging something that seemed impossible for them to even damage it.
And yet there were doing it, now, again and again.
I could still taste the horrible smoke in my mouth but tried to imagine that the rain was washing it away, along with everything I felt.
I didn't want to feel anymore and I didn't want to live anymore. For a small moment, I wanted to die. But I had been there before already. And I was not going to end my life. Wanting it is not the same like actually murdering yourself. I was not going to do that, no matter how much I wanted the relief of not feeling anymore.
Maybe nobody would ever understand my story. There were many things I could do or could have done in the past. It was still never too late for me to go to a psychiatrist, take medicine, grow confidence, practice sports and something like self defence, like Edward had once suggested - playfully, if I had remembered correctly. I knew it wasn't late, but the motivation to go there and talk to someone about the past was lost. It just made me more depressed.
Small sounds were noticeable, but it wasn't until I heard a loud crack, was when I turned my head around tiredly to look at where the noise had come from. I shook my head as there was nothing. Maybe those joints had ruined my head, for the time being.
"Taking a shower there?"
I stopped walking and turned my head again. Edward was there now, where he had not been seconds ago, as he reached me, but remained some sort of distance.
I thought that I had imagined it. It must have been him making that sound of a piece of branch snapping.
However, what mostly confused me, was why he was standing in the rain in front of me, making small talk, after he had thrown me out of his car.
"Preferring this over warm water?"
Slowly I turned around, not knowing what his intentions were, and I continued a pace I was comfortable in. Edward wasn't bothering me, not now. I liked the moment of not fearing him. It was nice to not feel that anymore, even if it was just a combination of drugs, rain, being lost and being under the illusion of having hallucinations.
"I've hiked these woods many times before. Right now you are walking to more enclosed trees, perhaps even dangerous animals. Where are you walking to?"
I glanced back at the figure. He was blurry.
See? He isn't real.
Edward Cullen wouldn't follow me in the rain after throwing me out of his car.
This person sounded like someone very calm and too normal.
It's just an illusion.
"I think you're just walking without realizing the danger you're putting yourself in," he continued. "You should reconsider and walk back."
"I know all about the danger," I mumbled. "I know how she with her lemmings would still hate me and do something like..."
Forcing me to do exactly what she forced me to do not more then one hour ago.
"And I know the danger of being close to him. After the cigarette, I was sent away by Dad. He hated me because he thought I had smoked. I mean, he had found cigarettes in my bag that he had put there and he probably wanted my Dad to find them and make him angry with me. But Dad only got mad when the school called him and he sent me to Mom. Mom wasn't pleased either, grounded me and took everything from me, as a punishment. It wasn't bad, really. I learned to live with it and read a few books. After I wasn't grounded anymore, I kept reading those books and for the first time, I felt relieved. He couldn't hurt me anymore."
I was talking extremely fast, so rapid that my voice didn't sound like my own anymore.
But I had to throw all those words out, to prevent my head from exploding.
"For ten years I didn't have to go through his physical abuse, but he's always been there, in my head, and in my dreams... Nightmares. He has hurt me almost every single day. I think that's what he wanted. To have me scared. Maybe he has cursed me. It can't be very normal to fear somebody that much. It's strange so that's why I think it's impossible. But something can't be impossible when you've gone and are still going through it. Now after ten years, I'm in more danger then I'll ever be, again. I know all the danger I've put myself in when I wasn't strong enough to tell everybody I wanted to stay in Phoenix. I have put myself in danger today, yesterday and the day before that, but not now. I'm safe now. He isn't here. Nothing can hurt me here like he hurt me."
Everything that had been my thoughts and my mind, was spilled out of my mouth. Nothing had stopped me and my only listening ears had been the trees and my own. Now it was in the open, but only for the trees.
"You consider people like the Cullens as dangerous? And not being alone in the woods, when it's twilight and you've most likely no idea where you are walking to?"
"I do," I replied to the voice that had Edward's face, while I glanced back.
"But you consider them as danger?" the voice asked again.
"Of course," I replied.
"Why?" he asked.
"Anything that hurts is danger. Anything with no feeling is danger. Danger is what you fear."
"You fear them?" that voice continued to carry on with questions.
"Of course I do," I said. "I don't know what they want from me, but hardly ever something that I can give them willingly."
"Do you even know who I am?" the voice asked.
"Edward Cullen," I replied.
Or something like that.
"Am I now?" the voice asked with amusement.
"Yeah, but you aren't real," I said. "You're in my head. But I don't know why. Maybe that's another curse he has put one me."
"So that's what you do? You fear Edward? You think he has some force of strength over you?"
"Everyday it gets more," I said. "I can study, eat and act like I'm normal and happy, but he's in my head everyday. I know he wants me to suffer. Like he has always."
"He wants to see you suffer? How can you be sure?"
"He told me."
"What did he tell you, sweetness?"
My eyes shifted to the side, never seeing the Edward figure behind me anymore, but now my own head was calling me nicknames.
With reluctance, I replied.
"That he's still my worst nightmare, like he has been for the past twelve years," I said. "He scares me, which is his plan exactly, until he can finally reach his goal."
"So your worst nightmare wants to see you suffer. But what is his goal?"
"You tell me, then we'll both know."
He laughed. The voice laughed.
"You've got a beautiful way with words, but right now you're very high and disorientated. How much did they make you smoke?"
I shrugged.
"One, two, more?"
"Maybe around two, but most smoke already came out of the joint and went away and she kicked me and pinched me."
"Where?" the voice asked instantly.
"In the girl's toilets, at Forks High School."
"No," he voice said with an irritable sigh. "Where on your body did they kick and pinch you?"
The voice was demanding me.
I shrugged to myself, still not feeling as if I was in danger.
"Anywhere," I mumbled.
"Does it still hurt?"
"Yes. I mean no."
Some places were soar, but I hardly noticed. The rain had its nice cooling effect.
"Has it marked?"
I shrugged and the voice continued, even if I hadn't answered out loud.
"Where exactly?"
Their feet kicked. Or was it just Rosalie? She apparently liked each time I whimpered or shrieked, because after each sound, the next kick was even harder. It was somewhere on my abdomen, my shoulder, my arms and I think she stood on my wrist.
"It hurts!" I screamed when I couldn't take it any longer.
"'It hurts' she says," Rosalie said in a laugh, too happily. The others joined the cruel laughter.
Somewhere after the kicking I had closed my eyes and felt incredible fast, hard, short painful shocks go from somewhere in my arms and shoulder to the rest of my body. Too many hands were pinching, and hurting me, so I knew that this time, it wasn't just Rosalie.
They had all joined the witch.
"You've drawn blood."
"What?" I asked, coming out of my musings.
"I didn't see it before, but now I do," it said.
I looked at the boy in front of me who was staring somewhere on my chest and under my neck. His finger slowly reached my and I frowned when it was able to touch my sweater and pull the piece of garment down a bit to expose more skin.
And that's when the boy's face showed something that I had never seen on Edward's face before.
Pity. But this wasn't Edward. He was just a image my mind had created.
"But you aren't real," I wondered out loud. How had he been able to touch my clothes?
The back of his hand came near my face and touched my cheek for a second.
I blanched.
Instantly.
And the boy smirked.
"I can touch you. Fact. I'm here. For real. Now tell me, is there more blood under you sweater?"
"What blood?"
He lifted his fingers as I saw a little bit of blood smeared on them.
"What's that?"
Edward brought his hand back down and began walking towards another direction, leading me in a manipulative way.
"Where are you taking me?"
"Home."
"Charlie will be furious," I said. "He'll kill me because Edward must have told him that I've changed the cigarettes for joints now. He's an idiot. A good father should be able to see that something is wrong when you're daughter gets caught twice, while she never ever smokes on the other days. He's just blind and an idiot."
"Do you always talk this much?" Edward groaned as he grabbed my upper arm and forced me to keep up with him.
I couldn't, because his legs were at least twice as tall as mine, and let myself drop, but Edward was fast at tightening his grip and pulling me up until I was standing.
For a moment, he glared, until he bended down and gave the back of my knees a hard push with his hands so that he could lift me up in his arms.
"Ouch," I said, as I felt the throbbing behind my legs get more painful.
"Don't get me wrong, sugar, but all this talking is annoying me and frankly, so are you."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying shut up," he said curtly.
"Okay."
I looked around me and saw nothing but trees.
"Where are we?"
Edward sighed.
"I'm sorry," I quickly said. "I won't be annoying anymore."
Edward sighed again.
"We are in the forest," he gritted through his teeth.
"Feels like I'm flying," I said.
"Because you aren't walking, sweet lips," he said.
"What am I doing?"
"Not much," he said with a shrug. "Wearing off that high would be a nice start as a thing to do."
"Okay."
"Stop saying okay. It makes you sounds like a whore."
"Okay."
"I don't know what it is, just you or all girls. It's like you are agreeing with everything. And do one more thing for me."
"What?"
"Don't fear me. Or should I say, don't fear Edward."
"I can't stop the feeling," I said, trying to defend myself.
"Try it. You are strong enough to try."
"It has no use. He hates me. He's my worst nightmare. He told me."
"So there is nothing for you to lose," he said. "Then try. Because what you are telling me is that you've got nothing. So there is nothing for you to lose."
"I still can't try. I'm sorry."
"Then try not to apologize all the time. It makes you sound..."
"Like a whore," I finished in a sigh.
"No," he said with a chuckle. "Young, as if you've done so much wrong, while actually you've just asked the wrong boy to be your friend... long time ago. People may say things, while meaning completely something else."
"People should say what they mean. When you hate someone, you say, I hate you. When you like someone, you say, I like you. It's easy for anyone to understand."
"Sometimes that is a little bit difficult."
"Try it. What have you got to lose?"
The voice with strong arms chuckled.
"Reputation, darling."
"You care what others think of you?" I asked.
"Don't you then, huh?"
"They already think stuff about me."
"Hmm," the voice said. "I understand."
"I'm cold."
"Because you've stopped walking and now you're just being carried. We're almost at my car. It's warm in there. You'll warm up soon."
"Okay."
"I'm gonna kill you someday," Edward groaned.
"I know," I said with a sigh. "Because you hate me."
"No, sugar. Don't take all of that shit I tell you so damn serious."
He placed me down on my feet and opened a car door and pushed me in until I sat in the front seat. The door closed and I wanted to bang my head on the dashboard.
"Are you still feeling well?" Edward asked when he stepped inside the car.
What's this? Edward?
"I don't understand anymore. What's happening?"
"Would you like me to make you understand in the backseat of my car?" Edward asked, starting the car.
I looked at him, really looked at his face, as I realized that he wasn't a hallucination and that I had told him too much.
My eyes widened as I put both hands on my head.
"No," I gasped. "No, no." I was shaking me head furiously as Edward smiled.
It wasn't that usual smirk or grin.
"Do you prefer a bed? You don't have to lie down, I could hold you. You're not heavy."
I grabbed the doorhandle to open the door and step out of his car, but froze when Edward's hand got on my chest, pushing me back on the seat.
"No," Edward said. "Stop getting out of my car."
"I can't..." I mumbled. I drew in a breath. "What do you want from me?"
I was desperate for the answer of that question. I had hunger and thirst for that question.
I wouldn't mind dying to get the answer to that question.
Quickly, the car was driving and Edward often glanced back at me. In return, I looked outside and tried to make sure he wasn't going to hit any people.
"Not much," he eventually said.
For the rest of the drive, we didn't talk. And what the hell was happening? The rain had been replaced by snow and Edward slowed down, until he stopped the car entirely. I didn't ask him what he was doing, but after just sitting there for a great amount of minutes, I turned to him, only to see that he was still gripping the steering wheel and looking outside. When I did so again, I realized that the ground had gained a little thickness from the snow.
I had no idea when it was safe to drive through snow and when it was not, but I couldn't understand why Edward would care about safety.
"This is exactly what I wanted," he said, his loud voice suddenly interrupting the silence. "A talk with you. Tell me, lovely. What is going on in you head right now?"
What is it with those nicknames? And I still wonder why he was calling me Coco at some times.
I shifted my eyes to avoid his, until I realized he was still waiting for my verbal answer.
I shrugged.
"What are you feeling?"
My mouth opened, but no words came out. I didn't know what I had to tell him. I didn't know what he wanted to hear.
"How would you describe myself when you are talking about me with your friends?"
Rude. Harsh. Sadist. Sick.
I shook my head as I wanted nothing more then run away from this car.
"Previously, not even minutes ago, you were talking. Why the damn won't you talk to me now?"
He wanted me to talk back to him. Now I knew. But I knew that he wouldn't like my words back to him. And I couldn't lie. He could see that. He was very smart in that way. I was shaking my head to get rid of the mess in my head and trying to imagine I was somewhere else.
That was until Edward grabbed my shoulders and turned me, so that we were face to face.
"Do I seriously scare you that much?" he finally snapped, showing me that he was indeed Edward, and not, just maybe with a little hope, a hallucination.
And I was done.
Finally I was done.
I couldn't hide my fear anymore.
Neither did I try.
Everything was displayed in front of him.
It was on my face, my body language and I guess my eyes.
My eyes, that couldn't leave his.
His eyes, that refused to leave mine.
~#~
As I asked her my final question, something changed. The girl changed, and it was in a way I could never imagine.
She had been scared often before, as had she pleaded for us to stop hurting her and always picking on her.
Only there was a problem now. There was no need for her to answer.
The change had been a visible change.
Her body had begun a shiver, that ended in a constant shaking. Her chest was moving quickly, soft gasps escaping her mouth. Her face no longer showed a little fear. It was written all over it. Her mouth was slightly open, for the air to come in, and her lips were trembling.
Fear.
All of those visible changes were nearly nothing compared to the change I saw in her eyes.
The little fire was gone, and that's when I knew she didn't want to fight against me anymore.
Never did she fight to fight back, but just fight with herself to accept all the shit getting thrown in her direction.
Her eyes were dead.
They just died.
Or for the first time, showed me that they had been dead all along. All of the rest had been a fake.
Fake smile, fake laugh.
Slowly, I released her shoulders, just to get back some of that light back in those eyes. I pulled back away from her to give her some room and breathing space.
Her eyes kept staring at me with so much fear, that it almost maddened me. But I stopped myself from snapping at her. This wasn't her fault. She was scared, but it still wasn't her fault. There were many people I could snap to, but not her.
I knew I was already too late.
The light in here eyes was permanently gone.
You can't fix a broken mirror. It's easy to put the biggest parts on each other, but to try and find which tiny bit fits another, is an impossible task.
Nobody can do that.
It was too late for her to be saved.
She was a dead girl with a beating heart.
~#~
Edward leaned over towards me and I almost didn't care, but still did I feel anguished at what would be his next action.
He opened the small hatch above my knees and the light in it automatically went on. As my eyes were fixated on the contents of the inside of the hole, I could instantly see the one and only object hidden inside his car.
His secret, perhaps, but now it was visible for us both to see.
Edward placed his hand on exactly the right spot on the gun, with his finger not quite yet on the trigger and his thumb put the safety catch off.
"Would you like it all to end?" Edward asked, his voice amazingly soft and kind.
He watched me from the distance of his chair, the gun still in his hand, the dangerous end pointing towards the front window.
He'll kill me. He's going to end it.
"Would you like the misery to come to an end?"
If I was going to die, I was going to talk, because I wanted my dying words give him some explanation.
"Shoot."
Edward smiled, his eyes downcast on the gun.
I could only imagine how badly he wanted to kill me.
"I will, sweetness, I'll end it for you," he said with a chuckle.
He thought it was funny.
He raised his eyes back to me and I took a breath to prepare myself.
"Okay," I said with a shaky voice. "Kill me."
Edward's lips twitched and he looked at the gun briefly. Then he raised the gun to my head as he quirked an eyebrow.
"Now?" he asked.
I nodded my head, while pressing my lips hard on each other to prevent me from screaming.
Would it hurt?
He brought the gun closer until the cold end was pressing my temple, causing my head to steer a little.
"Now?" he asked again.
"Yeah," I said, my voice still trembling.
"Close your eyes and don't look," he said to me. "I don't want you to see this."
I closed my eyes the moment he told me and felt the pressure leave my temple.
"I was not talking about you," Edward said.
It was deadly silent in the car.
Just for a moment.
~#~
The idea occurred to me in a flash.
I leaned forward.
Just one.
One that would be the first and last that would actually mean something.
But even in death, I couldn't let her see the truth.
So I forced her. Forced her to see another lie.
I put my arm around her head, and pulled her head forwards, with her head being in the crook of my elbow.
There was no way she could escape this and just before I felt it, a small shriek echoed in the car, but died as soon as I kissed her.
It was hard against soft.
Indestructible against fragile.
Hell against heaven.
Bella against me.
Moving against her was sin.
The guilt I felt was overpowering and made me focus more on my next task.
Pull the trigger.
I let my strength on holding her head in a forced manner against me slip, and she was frozen, quite literally.
I stared at her, as she still had her eyes closed.
"Well done," I said.
For if she could survive me, she could survive anything.
I closed my own eyes as well, as I pulled the trigger and let it all end for her.
It was the worst sound I had ever heard, hearing her scream in horror.
I would have to carry that guilt into eternity.
~#~