Chapter 11: Daisy and Thomas

Thomas had no desire to attend the church services with the rest of the staff only a few days after he had kissed a man.

He knew they'd all be staring at him, wondering if he was paying attention in church, trying to see if he would repent and declare himself a sinner and finally admit what a vile man he was.

No, that didn't sound too good to Thomas.

But, somehow, not attending was even worse than attending.

Because if he didn't go, then everyone would probably be smug and self-righteous and declare Thomas a heathen or something. So maybe it was better to go on to church along with everybody else, so they wouldn't feel like they were better than him.

Neither option was pretty, but Thomas didn't have many options in life.

Well, maybe going to church would count for something.

The next morning Thomas got up, washed and dressed, and had breakfast with the others. Sunday was the day you could sleep later- just a little bit- because church didn't start quite as early as their work day did.

Except, of course, for certain staff members- they didn't get to sleep any later because they had to get the family ready to go to church. After all, no one could go to church looking less than their best.

Anna, for example, would be up early to get Mary's clothes and hair ready for church.

The staff walked down to the village together.

The family was driven to church in their car.

As they filed in, they took seats toward the back. The family would be sitting in the front, as always.

It was just one more thing Thomas resented about everything- why should people like them sit at the front, and servants and townspeople always relegated to the back rows?

And the most annoying thing about it was that it wasn't even anything official- it was like some unspoken, unwritten rule that the lower class should just expect to be last. They just naturally went to the back, as if they assumed they should be in the back.

Thomas didn't want anyone making him feel he wasn't worthy of a front row seat.

As they filed in, Thomas tried to quell his annoyance at being a second-class citizen.

The organ music began, and Thomas began to relax. As they all sang, Thomas looked around the church, trying to see if there was anyone new in the congregation. But he didn't see anyone he didn't recognize.

After the first alleluia and the morning greeting, Daisy leaned in and whispered something to Mrs. Hughes.

Thomas couldn't hear what she said.

Mrs. Hughes nodded at her, and whispered back- it sounded as if Mrs. Hughes was asking Daisy, "Do you want me to go with you?"

Daisy quickly shook her head no, stood up, quickly filed past them in the pew, and slipped quietly out of the church.

After a few minutes Thomas leaned in and said to Mr. Carson, "I've got to get up, I've got a terrible ache in my legs,"

Mr. Carson looked suspicious. He whispered back, "It seems Daisy has been suddenly taken ill, too. Are you sure that you aren't conspiring with her in some way?"

Thomas answered, rather coldly, "Mr. Carson, I haven't said a thing to Daisy. I thought we settled that matter. Now, I've got to get up and move about. And I think it would be far less disruptive to the rest of the congregation if I go now before the sermon starts,"

"Very sensible…go ahead," Mr. Carson sighed.

Thomas moved quietly out of the sanctuary.

He saw Daisy sitting on the church steps, outside. He walked over and sat down next to her on the steps. He lit a cigarette.

"Y'all right then?" Thomas asked after a moment.

Daisy looked over, startled that he was asking after her.

"It were nothing," she said, looking straight ahead, avoiding his eyes. "Just got a touch lightheaded for a moment. It passed. I didn't eat enough breakfast," then after a brief pause, she said, "I'm fine, really. We ought to go back in," Daisy stood up to go.

Thomas hesitated. Then he asked, "Daisy-"

He wouldn't trust that daft girl's opinion on anything—except maybe church.

Some of the staff were of strong faith, and some of them only paid polite attention during services.

But all of them attended every week, just the same.

Whether you were terribly devout, or whether you were a Christian in name only, church was just something that must be done. The same as wearing a hat when you go visiting or holding a door open for a lady. Some things were just societal expectations.

But Thomas knew that Daisy was one of the staff who paid rapt attention at church.

Daisy took in the preacher's talk of 'fire and brimstone' with wide, fearful eyes, clutching her Bible to her chest.

God, she was so easy to frighten.

If there was anything Thomas ought to know about what went on in church, Daisy was the one to ask.

Besides, he was curious to know why she had defended him when he had never been exactly nice to her. He was also curious to know what kinds of scripture she was using in an attempt to save him.

"Wha is it?" Daisy asked, after a moment passed without Thomas continuing.

"I-" Thomas hesitated. Being kind and friendly felt almost foreign to him.

"Yes?" Daisy asked, finally looking at him. But as soon as she met his eyes, she blushed scarlet and looked down at her hands.

Oh, God, Thomas thought, she's embarrassed to look at me because she's thinking about what I did.

"I s'pose you know about what I—about what happened." Thomas said uncomfortably. "And Mr. Carson told me that you took up for me, so…so I suppose I just want to say thank you."

Daisy smiled, still blushing. "Thank you. But it were nothing—I don't want no one turned out."

"I just—I know that I've not been good to you, and," Thomas took a deep breath, "And, well, I don't deserve your kindness…I don't deserve anyone's kindness, really…"

Daisy finally looked at him. "Don't say that," she said, surprised. "'Course you deserve kindness. Why wouldn't ya? You're a nice person- underneath-" she finished rather uncomfortably, then looked as if she'd stuck her foot in her mouth. "I didn't mean-"

"It's all right," Thomas said, almost smiling. "Truth is, I've not been kind, and I've given no one any reason to want to help me. So…"

Thomas was trying, but he didn't know how to finish.

Daisy said suddenly, her voice bright. "That don't mean you've got to continue how you started! People would like you, Thomas, if you were kind to them! You're a good person, truly!"

Thomas looked down, flinging the ash from his cigarette.

"I think you're a good person," Daisy said more softly.

Thomas smirked. "Knowing what you know?"

Daisy flushed, but then looked up at him anyway. "Honestly, I don't understand it, Thomas, I don't, but…people do all sorts of things, don't they?"

Thomas said, "I suppose they do,"

Daisy spoke up. "When I was growin' up, there was a woman in my village who had a baby when she'd not been properly married, and it was all hushed up, of course, but I'm sure it weren't the first time in the world that it's happened, ya know? It were wrong, but people do things all the time that ought not be done outside of marriage, and it don't mean ya got to hate them or look down on 'em. If anything, people need more kindness."

"I could say I've done things that ought not be done outside of marriage," Thomas said quietly.

For it was true- anything Thomas would ever do would be outside of marriage.

Daisy smiled, finally, and said to him, "Havin' ill thoughts leads to ill actions. And if you're havin' ill thoughts, I hate to tell you but you're nothing special: we all have those."

"You don't think there are some things that are worse than others?" Thomas questioned.

Daisy paused. "You'd think so, wouldn't you? And it's true that while we're on earth different sins have different consequences, but…but the preacher says that to God in heaven, it ain't like that. Any sin in your heart hurts, no matter what sin it is- they're all the same. It's like I told Mr. Carson, if you have an unkind thought it's just the same as murder. Because it's all about your heart not bein' right."

"So we're all doomed, then? How cheery." Thomas said, putting out his cigarette.

"No," Daisy nearly laughed. "Thomas it's as if you've never heard the gospel! We're saved from our sins, aren't we?"

Thomas stared at her. "So you think we go to heaven despite our sins?"

"Christ, Thomas!," Daisy exclaimed.

For a moment Thomas thought she was swearing, but then realized she meant the actual Christ.

"He's saved us, hasn't He? So we're forgiven."

"But we still sin," Thomas said flatly.

"Long as we're earth-bound, we're sinful creatures. All we can do is repent, and know that Christ covers our sins." Daisy said confidently.

"But it's not true repentance if you keep doing whatever it is you've repented of." Thomas said.

"Well, true repentance is turnin' away from one's sin. It isn't easy, and we may keep fallin' into the same sin over and over again, but as long as we're trying-"

Thomas stood up to go.

It was clear that Daisy thought what he had done was an action, a behavior, rather than an identity, a part of who he was.

And as long as she thought that, she wouldn't understand him.

He couldn't explain it to her. He could barely explain it to himself.

Besides, Daisy's mind wouldn't work that way. Couldn't work that way.

To try to explain the inner workings of his mind to innocent, bright eyed Daisy would be like leading a lamb to the slaughter.

Thomas was ready to go.

"Daisy. Thank you for takin' up for me but I think it's best you try and forget what I am and just go on like you never knew."

"Thomas, the things you done…" Daisy flushed. "Well anyway…I don't care what you done. I still like you. Truly I do. No matter what happens I do like you."

She keeps saying that. She doesn't like me. She just...is kind to me about it. That's all.

But what he said was, "Thank you, Daisy. It's good to know you don't mind me, anyway."

Because he knew - without a doubt - that Daisy's tolerance of him was the best he'd get, from any of them.

And so he'd love her for it.