Chapter 11

You're a Wizard, Naruto!

Naruto had been training with Jiraiya for two years now, traveling from one end of the country to another. He had seen whores of every skin color that existed, and even a few that didn't at the more expensive brothels.

That wasn't important though. The only thing of importance was that Naruto had learned enough from Jiraiya about seals to complete his lifelong dream. He would have tested it then and there, but he had to show Sakura it's maiden voyage! She would finally realize the he wasn't some schmuck with a dream long thought impossible. She would know he was a someone!

So Naruto rolled up his scrolls, sealed everything in his storage scroll and finished on the hooker's face. He paid her and left before Jiraiya was finished. With any luck he would be back before Jiraiya got bored of waiting and left him behind with the bill.

Sakura was in one of the larger rooms of the hospitals, gently using healing Chakra to repair Kiba's absolutely demolished leg. Rock Lee had been a bit overzealous in the spar as normal, which wouldn't have been such a problem if it wasn't a 'surprise spar.' Kiba's team was finishing their meals (which they had taken to go.) and Lee's team was trying to convince Kiba not to press charges.

If Lee got in trouble for randomly assaulting a fellow shinobi again Konoha would have him euthanized and as ironic as that might be they still needed a teammate.

"Thanks for the stellar work Sakura." Kiba said, already feeling mostly better. Most medics would repair the leg, but it would still need significant rehab. Sakura was the Hokage's apprentice and actually left the muscles as strong or stronger than they were.

"No problem Kiba. Just doing my job." Sakura responded. In the background Kiba's teammates seemed to come to a conclusion and Hinata and Shino were taking turns violently beating the shit out of Lee while his teammates held him still.

Hinata did an impressive roundhouse kick to lee's face that must have hit pretty hard, because the wall exploded.

"Ninja Jesus Christ Hinata that kick was awesome! Did you explode the wall with air pressure!?" Tenten exclaimed, stars in her eyes. Lee probably would have been excited, but was pretty unconscious at the moment.

The dust cleared revealing a startled Chuunin who took one look at the group and scurried away.

"Yeah. I've been taking some inspiration from Sakura and adapting her techniques for my use." Hinata answered.

Then the wall behind them exploded, revealing a panting and bloody Naruto.

"Finally! You wouldn't guess how many walls I broke before I found this one!" Naruto exclaimed.

The hospital seemed to agree with the gathered ninja and groaned at Narutos antics. Then it collapsed.

"I said I'm sorry!" Naruto exclaimed from his position in Tsunade's office. That position being tied up, hung upside down from the ceiling and covered in biting fire ants.

Geeze Shino was a sadistic asshole.

"You killed hundreds of people Naruto!" Tsunade screamed, at her wits end. She loved him like he was her son, but she didn't see how she could avoid having him executed after this stunt.

How can someone make the same mistake three times!?

"I've got something to show you that will make you forget all about the hospital!" Naruto exclaimed excitedly.

"I'll give you this one chance Naruto." Tsunade answered. As Shino moved to release him she hoped it was good. Tsunade didn't want to kill him.

Naruto unrolled his scrolls in front of the gathered Konoha 11. This would show them!

"Ever since the start of time man has had a dream! One that he wakes up in a cold sweat at night with bits and pieces of ideas on how to accomplish! One that has been tried before but never succeeded! Where they have failed I have succeeded! I have created the ultimate seal!" Naruto yelled. His enthusiasm had everyone enthralled. Save one.

"How could you do that? You're illiterate!" Sakura asked. Did Jiraiya teach him to read, write and do seals in the 2 years he had been gone? Even for a Sannin that seemed pretty impressive.

"You don't need to read or write when you have passion Sakura!" Naruto exclaimed. This worried everyone. A badly designed seal could do anything from explode to turn you into a sexy girl forever.

"The ultimate seal. Mankinds hopes and dreams rolled into a single object! I can now… Poop into another universe!" Naruto yelled. The sheer genius of his plan had left everyone speechless.

While they gawked he decided to put his money where his mouth was. And then after taking his wallet out of his pants he dropped them to the floor and activated the sealing array.

It needed a lot of Chakra. That was obvious. How could you accomplish something so magnificent without using all nine tails of a Biju's power?

The room turned red. The walls grew mouths and started screaming, probably in awe, the sky outside sprouted eyes that cried tears of blood in joy at his achievement. And then everything exploded into light.

*Plop*

A large, gooey log of poop half the size of Naruto's forearm landed in a bowl of soup. Opening his eyes Naruto realized that his invention must have been so awesome it turned Tsunade's office into a huge room filled with people that had been eating, staring at him with jaws open.

Truly he was the best.

"What the bloody hell is going on here!?" Someone screamed.

As Naruto opened his mouth to smugly announce his victory he realized none of the Konoha 11 nor the Hokage looked very impressed with him.

"It seemed we have another group. Welcome to Hogwarts dimension travelers. I take it you were the one who destroyed your dimension trying to poop into another universe?" The old man behind Naruto asked calmly.

The fact that he seemed totally unperturbed at everything even though his soup was ruined was confusing, but what he said was the real cause for alarm.

"You destroyed our universe!" Tsunade screamed.

"God dammit Naruto! I told you to give up on your dream for this exact reason!" Sakura yelled.

While the other ninja took turns yelling at Naruto Hinata stood stock still. How was she supposed to react to this?

You might imagine how difficult it was to deal with the fact that your lifelong love killed your whole family over something like pooping into another universe. That wasn't Hinata's issue. Her family sucked except for Neji.

Naruto had recently been with a women!

Hinata saw the signs. He had yet to put his pants back on and she could see the signs of recent intercourse on his unwashed dick. She resolved to rape him until he realized she was the only women for him. That was HER unwashed dick!

A loud explosion caused the commotion to die down. Tracing it back to the old man wearing robes the Ninja saw he was holding a stick of somesort.

"Allow me to explain. About once a year someone collapses their universe and ends up in this one. Most of the time it's in pursuit of mankind's longest, most true dream of pooping into another universe." Dumbledore started.

"Aha!" Naruto yelled. Someone got it! The rest of the staff and the ninja pinched the bridges of their noses. Not again with this.

"Our universe has lasted so long because the strongest wizards in history changed the laws of the universe to assure that it would never be possible to poop into another universe. A choice that after seeing the results of various attempts time and time again I can accept in my mind, if not my heart." Dumbledore said in a pained voice. Tears actually welled in his eyes.

"Out of the last one hundred universal collapses, 95 of them have involved someone attempting to poop into another universe. Out of those 95, I've witnessed 93. All 93 of those have landed in my soup. Thus I only eat soup when I'm ready to receive visitors." Dumbledore finished, apparently losing track of what he was talking about.

After a cough from Mcgonagall Dumbledore seemed to remember what he was talking about and started up again.

"Anyways we at Hogwarts will be happy to accept you all as students and help finish your wizarding educations. Except for the squib. The best we can do for him is to give him a box and a cup for change." Dumbledore said. With a wave of his wand Rock Lee was boxed up and flew out of the great hall at high speeds never to be seen again.

Mostly because he actually was sent to the incinerator. They couldn't afford a cup for him.

"We're not wizards though." Ino said. Ever the insightful one, her.

"I took the liberty of reading the squibb's mind. I can assure you you're not ninjas. Name one person who's actually stealthy and pragmatic like a ninja." Dumbeldore said. After a solid 5 minutes of thought not a single person or historical figure came to any of their minds.

"Besides. Chakra is clearly just magic. You can barely explain how it works, and most of your explanations just aren't true. If Chakra was part mental and part physical Naruto should have almost no Charka on account of being borderline retarded."

"Hey! That's… actually a good point. How do I have such chakra?" Naruto asked.

"Because it's just magic. You people seem to pull explanations out of your ass and throw them away minutes later."

"Are we just going to ignore how he read Lee's mind and shipped him off?" Tenten asked. She was ignored.

"I'll personally take over giving you some remedial lessons. With the help of magic and your pre-existing foundation I should have you up to date within a month. Then we'll get your sorted. Sound good?" Dumbledore asked.

"I still have no idea what you're talking about but it sounds like a generous offer, so on behalf of the Leaf Ninja I'll gratefully accept." Tsunade said.

After only a few weeks the Konoha ninja were up to date and over the fact that Naruto had killed everyone they knew and loved because of convenient magic and handwavium on the part of the shitty, 4th wall breaking author.

"Aburame, Shino!" was called and the Hat set on his head.

'Holy fuck you're terrifying!' "Slytherin! SLYTHERIN! OH MERLIN'S SAGGY BALLS SLYTHERIN!"

"Akimichi, Chōji!"

The hat barely touched his head before it said Hufflepuff.

"Haruno, Sakura!"

After a little bit of deliberation "Ravenclaw!" echoed through the hall.

"Hyūga, Hinata!"

'Clearly you should go in hufflepuff, but I've also been around long enough to not want to die. We both know you want to be with Naruto, and since I dislike being set on fire I'll put you in with his obvious choice of' "Gryffindor!"

"Hyūga, Neji!"

After 15 minutes of indecision the hat chose Slytherin.

"Inuzuka, Kiba!"

"Gryffindor!" was a pretty easy choice for him. Kiba was lucky that Akamaru just went with him, because he was a Slytherin through and through.

"Nara, Shikamaru!"

"Ravenclaw!" The hat shouted. After a few minutes of arguing that he wanted to go to Slytherin because he could slack off more easily he gave up and slothed over the the table of the smart.

"Tenten!"

'Holy fuck you don't even get a last name. I feel bad for you. Go make a name for yourself in' "Gryffindor!"

"Uzumaki, Naruto!"

Before he could even walk to the chair the hat shouted "Gryffindor!" to the shock of everyone that didn't know him That was the strongest reaction ever seen.

"Yamanaka, Ino!"

"Ravenclaw!" was the choice pretty quickly.

The entire school was terrified. There was a prank war going on and both sides seemed to have something to prove. Everyone knew who was doing it, but they left no evidence and proved impossible to catch.

The first blood was presumably drawn by Naruto, who left a nearly invisible string of ninja wire across the door to snape's office, disemboweling him as he left. That left some scars, even though Tsunade left the DADA class she was teaching to help Madam Pomphrey.

The weasley twins obviously responded by hiding a lamprey in Snape's toilet. His taint would never feel safe again.

Naruto was clearly the one who turned his wand into an exploding tag while he wasn't looking, and blew his hand off.

At this point Snape was going out of his was to get revenge and catch them, especially because the replacement hand was illusioned by those accursed Weasleys and he now had a money-paw attached to his arm for at least 12 months while his magic stabilized.

When Snape walked into his office to find it filled with killer bees he reached for his wand, only to find it gone. With the door locked behind him he could only scream "Minus one billion points from Gryffindor!" before getting stung to unconsciousness. (But saved by his unknown assailant. Apparently they weren't done with him yet.)

It was after he was somehow slipped an irreversible gender-swapping potion that he snapped. He left to join Voldemort the next day, and no one ever realized the entire series of events was perpetrated by Shino solely because he was bored.

What a dick he was.

When Harry left for the ministry of magic, it was with a group of Konoha Ninja itching for a fight at his back.

That turned out to be a good thing, because instead of having a Sirius disaster they ended up straight up killing all of the death-eaters there. Even Bellatrix. It turns out that they weren't used to giant balls of fire, hailstorms of exploding kunai, their own shadows ripping them to pieces and punches able to demolish buildings.

After the dust settled Naruto exploded through a wall to join up with the main group.

"Look guys! Wardstones! I hear these are valuable!"

The entire group groaned, even the building. After a number of apparitions it collapsed.

"Honestly that worked out perfectly. We killed a bunch of death eaters, implicated the destruction of the ministry on them and the building collapsed on Fudge and Umbridge. Also wardstones are expensive and we just got a bunch." Sirius said.

"What gives us the right to decide who lives and dies? If we kill the death eaters we're just as bad as they are!" Dumbledore argued.

"No. They rape, kill and torture innocent people simply for the sheer sexual satisfaction. They're monsters. If rotting in Azkaban while the worst death eaters walk around free has taught me anything, it's that the legal system if absolute bullshit!" Sirius ranted.

"Can I come out of time out now? I'm really sorry." Naruto asked from the corner, where he was sitting on a stool with a dunce cap on.

"NO!" Literally everyone in the room shouted at once.

Lucius Malfoy stared open mouthed at the lifeless body of Lord Voldemort. The one bright side of that disastrous night was that they had found the prophecy. Voldemort took it to mean he could only be killed by Harry Potter. Ignoring Lucius's warnings he left for some alone time.

Either erotic asphyxiation was the power he knew not or Lucius was right and it was completed on the first time Voldemort was defeated.

Now how to spin this?

Lucius decided to kill all of the other death eaters, find the horcruxes and destroy them. He'd win the election for minister in a landslide for sure. Then he would be one step closer to HIS ultimate goal:

Pooping into another universe!

What a Slytherin! Only the most sneaky could hide a goal like that from even lord Voldemort.

Also why do the villains go through like 50 risky 10% chance of survival rituals and live all the time. I never see one where it's just like "Voldemort died offscreen. War's over."

Chakra is clearly just magic. That's basically cannon.

Considering all of the fics that use the fight at the valley of the end to go to a new universe, I think my method of universe traveling it much better.

I'm sorry Lee! I was so close to letting you live, but then I didn't.

As for why they all speak English: Because fuck you that's why! I don't want to detract from the humor with even more non-humor.

I generally try to avoid 4th wall jokes unless the character is insane and knows about the 4th wall. (Like deadpool.) I decided to try one out. How do you feel about it?

Until next time,

-KishinoKurobi