Anonymous Rabbit, dont worry. after this chapter there wont be so many highs and lows.

4ever with Kames, you will find out more about dak in this chapter and more chapters to come!

winterschild11, your review made me smile and feel bad bc they have to go through more obstacles.

sorry for taking so long to update. real life caught up with me in the form of a cold and i spent all my free time watching netflix lol oops.

thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted! :D

enjoy!

Kendall was happy.

Everything was going perfectly. His relationship with James was blossoming, and he was passing all his classes, and the team hasn't lost a single game. Yet, anyway, but with Kendall as captain, they were going to make it to championships and he would get a scholarship. But the one thing that had Kendall on cloud nine was the fact that James showed up to all of his home games.

This year was definitely starting to look up.

Currently they were in study hall and James was studying. That was all he seemed to do lately. He even studied when they were supposed to be hanging out.

"You wanna come over tonight?" Kendall asked, hoping to get some time alone with the brunet.

James looked up from his textbooks that were scattered all over the table and blinked like he'd forgotten completely that he was sitting with someone else.

"What for?" The brunet asked and went back to scanning over the pages of the math book.

Kendall shrugged. "To hang out."

"I can't. Logan and I are going to study for the math competition."

"All night?"

The blond didn't like the sound of that. Who studies all night with someone they weren't sleeping with? He shook that thought away. James wouldn't cheat on him. No, James was a good person, he wasn't like that.

"No, only a couple of hours."

Suddenly the doors burst open and Kendall grabbed a textbook to make it seem like he was getting some work done also.

"Yo, Kendall, we gotta go practice!" Jason, one of Kendall's teammates, shouted before walking over to them. "Why the hell are you still getting tutored by this fag? I thought you were passing math now."

James' eyes stopped scanning over the textbooks and his fingers, which were writing notes down, froze. Kendall cursed under his breath. He hadn't exactly told James why the guys haven't questioned why he was spending all his free time with James.

"I'll be out in a minute." Kendall told Jason.

His teammate nodded and left the room.

"So that's why they haven't given me crap for hanging out with you." James said quietly. "I'm just your tutor."

Kendall could hear the hurt behind James' words. He was going to sock Jason for opening his big mouth.

"I had no choice but to tell them you're tutoring me." He said.

James nodded as he quickly packed up his textbooks.

"I have to go." He said and stood up.

"You're not mad, are you?"

The brunet looked at him and smiled but it didn't reach his eyes like they usually did. "No, why would I be mad? I'll see you tomorrow."

He slung his backpack over his shoulder and left before Kendall had the chance to run out after him. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed deeply. Kendall was not on cloud nine anymore.

After practice Kendall headed over to James' place and went down to the basement. What he saw made his chest tighten roughly. His hand gripped the railing and he swallowed. James and Logan were sprawled out on the floor with their textbooks open but they weren't getting much 'studying' done. James was laughing loudly, louder than he's ever laughed with Kendall, and Logan was watching him fondly.

James didn't seem to mind the way Logan was looking at him.

The little nerd put a hand over James' and smiled. "I'm glad you didn't back out."

Kendall saw the way James' hand tightened around Logan's and that made him want to puke. He had to get out of here before he broke down in front of them. He needed to leave before he did anything stupid but his legs refused to move. He stayed glued in his spot and watched them silently, his chest just tightening even more and his heart dropping to the pit of his stomach.

"Me too, Logan." James smiled.

"It feels nice to be able to spend some time with you." Logan said.

Kendall made a face. He was going to pummel the little shit and he couldn't listen to any more. Since he couldn't leave quietly without getting noticed, he coughed loudly and knocked on the wall. Their heads simultaneously snapped towards him. They both stood up and straightened out their clothes.

"Kendall, what are you doing here?" James asked nervously.

I'm asking myself the same thing. Why the hell did I come here to have my heart ripped out of my chest?

Logan looked back and forth at them before making an 'oh' face. He quickly shoved his books into his bag and smiled awkwardly at them.

"I didn't know you two were more than tutor and student." He said.

"We're not." James replied hastily.

Logan nodded, his features showing that he didn't believe any of that. "I'll see you tomorrow, James."

He made his way towards the stairs, where Kendall was still standing, and smiled tightly at Kendall. He angled himself so that he didn't have to touch Kendall and literally fled the room.

"You know, for someone who wants to keep us on the down low that was a stupid move." James said.

"How was I supposed to know that he would still be here?" Kendall asked, still glued to the fucking staircase.

"I told you that I would be studying with him."

"For like, 4 fucking hours?"

James frowned and looked down at his watch. "Wow, time flies by when you're having fun."

Those words sliced through Kendall's bones and got to his heart. The tone of his voice made it clear that James thought Logan was better company than Kendall.

"Why do I feel like I should take that personally?"

"What?" James asked, confused. "Why would you take that personally?"

Kendall didn't look at him. "I should go."

He started to make his way up the stairs when James gently grabbed his wrist.

"No, you're here now. Stay for a while?"

The blond pulled his hand out of James' grasp and shook his head. "I should go. Mom probably wants me home."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"I'm not stupid, Kendall."

"I never said you were."

Kendall could sense a fight about to happen and he didn't want that. He needed to get out of here before things escalated into something 'I'm sorry' wouldn't fix.

"Then tell me what's wrong." James said softly.

"There's nothing wrong, James." Kendall said.

"That's a lie."

"I'm not lying."

"Kendall, a relationship is nothing without trust and honesty."

The blond sighed. "Fine. It bothers me that you're more comfortable with Logan than you are with me."

"It's not a matter of being comfortable." James said. "We just have a lot in common."

"It is a matter of being comfortable, James. I watched you two for 2 seconds and you were more easy going with him than you've been with me for the past 4 weeks. You're comfortable around Logan and not around me."

James sighed deeply and looked down at his hands for what felt like eternity before looking up at Kendall. The blond waited patiently for James' answer but it was the last thing he wanted to hear.

"Maybe because I can be myself around him."

He felt his heart slam into his chest and his hand tighten around the railing it was still holding.

"Why can't you be yourself around me?" He tried to keep his voice strong but they both heard it shake.

"You're kidding right? We have nothing in common. You're the popular one and I'm the nerd. Once you see what kind of person I really am you're going to dump me in a heartbeat and why wouldn't you anyway? I don't play hockey and I'm not as gorgeous as I'd like to be."

Kendall let go of the railing and slowly walked down the steps. He cupped James' face in his hands and looked into his hazel eyes.

"You're beautiful, James." He whispered softly. "And I'm not lying or trying to boost your confidence. You are fucking gorgeous.

"And is that the only reason you like me?" James asked mono-tonelessly.

Kendall dropped his arms. "I cannot believe you think I'm that shallow."

"There's a difference between keeping a relationship private and keeping your boyfriend a secret. If that's what I even am to you."

"Why're you doubting us?"

"Because there is no us."

"We're dating, so yes, there is an us."

"Are we dating? Because from what I can recall, we haven't even been on a date." James said, scowling. "All we do is make out on this couch. That's not called dating."

"I told you I'm not ready to tell the entire world I like dick and if you really liked me you would be willing to wait."

"I tried that once and it got my heart broken."

Kendall didn't know what hurt more, the fact that James didn't trust him, or the fact that Kendall wasn't his first boyfriend.

"I would never intentionally hurt you, James."

"Yeah, that's what he said."

"Why are you comparing me to this guy?" Kendall asked. "Just because we're both afraid to come out doesn't mean we're the same person."

James looked away from him and stood in front of the couch for a long silent moment before sitting down. He motioned for Kendall to join him and the blond cautiously sat next to him.

"He was a senior and I was a sophomore. He asked me to tutor him and stuff and I eventually fell for him. He told me he wasn't ready to come out and I didn't argue. We were in a secret relationship and I didn't mind. I told myself that when the time was right he would come out." James laughed bitterly and shook his head. "I was fooling myself. He didn't come out and he dumped me before he graduated, told me he wasn't even gay and that he was just experimenting. But before I lost my virginity to him he told me all the things you've been telling me."

Before I lost my virginity to him.

Before I lost my virginity to him.

James Diamond wasn't a virgin.

James wasn't a fucking virgin and that did something to Kendall. He doesn't know if he was jealous or pissed off that this guy would do something like that to James. He was definitely more jealous than pissed off because he wanted to be James' first. He wanted them to be each other's firsts.

But James wasn't a virgin so Kendall wasn't going to be his first.

"I respect that you're not ready to come out but I'm not ready for that to happen to me again. I'm wasn't born so guys could experiment on me. I can't go through that again."

Kendall grabbed James' hand and squeezed. He forced the brunet to look at him.

"I'm not going to make you go through that again, James. I like you, I really, really do. And I am gay. I'm just not ready to tell anyone."

James looked into his eyes like he was searching for something but he didn't say anything. He just removed his hand from Kendall's and pursed his lips.

"Believe me when I say I would never do anything that would hurt you." Kendall said gently. "If I hurt you I'd just be hurting myself in the process."

"Yeah, okay." James nodded.

"Yeah, okay, what?" Kendall asked.

"I'm willing to wait for you to come out."

Kendall's face lit up. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

After Kendall went home James went to the cemetery. He sat down in front of his grandmother's grave and wiped away some of the dirt from the gravestone. If only she were here. She would have told him what to do. She would have had all the answers to James' problems.

She always did.

James wanted to be with Kendall, he did, but he didn't want to be kept a secret. Dak had kept him a dirty secret and it hurt like hell when he told James he wasn't worthy of being Dak's public affair, it hurt even more when he just dumped James out of the blue. Though, now that he thought about it, it wasn't really out of the blue. James had been expecting it. He knew it was going to happen because as much as Dak denied being afraid, he was, he was afraid of coming out and letting the world know who he really was.

And that was the feeling James was getting from Kendall. He was afraid that the blond was going to be just another Dak to him, and that they would turn out to be the same person. He didn't know if he was willing to risk getting his heart broken all over again but he couldn't help but think that Kendall was worth it.

Was he really, though?

Was anyone worth getting their heart broken for?

"I don't know what to do, Grammy." He said into the dark. "Do I take my chances and risk getting played or do I leave it all behind me?"

His grandmother didn't answer. Of course she didn't. She was dead. James sighed and slumped down into the dirt. He was asking his dead grandmother for advice. What was Kendall turning him into?

A tall, dark figure came and sat down next to him. James didn't have the energy to be scared. He turned around and looked at the person. It was Jonah.

"You take your chances because you only live once." She said to him.

"I find it really creepy that you always seem to find me here." James said.

Jonah laughed but it was abrupt and it wasn't really a laugh. She gazed at James' grandmother's gravestone and touched it, tracing her name.

"This will be Damian soon and just like you I'll be sitting in front of his grave during the night." She said quietly. "I've never lost anybody and I can't even imagine what it will be like without him."

James frowned, not liking the turn this conversation took, and definitely not liking what Jonah was telling him.

"What are you talking about?" He asked.

Jonah let out a shaky breath. "Damian has cancer and the doctors say he only has a couple of more months to live. I didn't want to tell you because I know how close you two have become the past few days but he begged me to tell you."

James' heart stopped in his chest. No, that can't be. Damian became like a little brother to him. He considered Damian a brother. He couldn't lose him, not now, not ever. He felt his throat swell up.

"He's not strong enough to come to the library anymore so he asked me if you could come read to him sometimes."

James couldn't respond, maybe it had to do with the fact that his throat was thick with tears, or maybe it was because he was numb but he couldn't say anything. He couldn't even see anything anymore, his tears blurring his vision. He was still trying to process the fact that he was going to lose someone else. He's lost his grandmother and Carlos (he didn't really lose Carlos. He just moved. It was the same thing to James, though) and he could feel himself loosing Kendall. This was too much and James didn't know if he could handle it.

No, he knew he couldn't handle it.

"You know what the worst thing is?" Jonah asked and James could hear the tremor in her voice. "He doesn't stutter anymore. You helped him overcome that."

The second he got home he knew he was going to break down.

Couldn't the universe just let him battle it out with Kendall? Did it really have to bring Damian into this?

Could his senior year get any worse?

damian is not irrelevant ok. i promise.