I LIED.
...
"Please, Mike-"
"WHAT?"
"You must be calming down! Svetlana is knowing zat you are stressed-"
"HELL YEAH I'M STRESSED! THE EVIL FRAGMENT OF MY SOUL IS BURNING MY MOM'S JEEP! THAT SORT OF PUTS STRAIN ON A PERSON, BELIEVE IT OR NOT!"
"GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, MATE!"
Manitoba slapped Mike across the face to bring him back to his senses.
"Look, maybe it was a bad idea to give Mal control-"
"TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!"
"-so we're gonna make up for it. We'll help you get back in the driver's seat."
"Oh! Yeah!" Mike made his voice sweet, his words dripping with sarcasm. "Let's go on a magic brain journey to some sort of tower that just so happens to be unguarded, walk a few stairs, hit a button and solve all our problems!"
The other personas shuffled awkwardly in the silence that followed.
Mike's jaw dropped. "You're kidding, right?"
...
"We're screwed."
The prisoners were closing in on Noah and Owen slowly. Paralyzed with fear, they backed against the wall, utterly helpless.
"HELP!"
"Wha?" Owen looked for the source of the noise.
"HELP!" The cry rang again. Suddenly Noah spotted it.
"LOOK!"
Cameron was flung around the shoulders of one of the prisoners like a human scarf.
"Oh, you came for him?" The inmate smirked. "You'll have to get him from my cold, dead body."
"Actually, the probability of them killing you is approximately 1 in 3,000,000."
"All the better, then."
"Thanks for the encouragement, Cam."
"No problem."
...
Duncan and Courtney walked woozily into the house.
"GUYS!" Zoey rushed over to them. "Have you seen Mike anywhere? I can't find him!"
"I saw fire..." Courtney trailed off.
"Oh no! Mike could be in danger!" Zoey bolted outside.
At that moment, Brick happened to walk by. He stared the the pair, who were giggling uncontrollably, with the slightest trace of amusement on his face.
"Are you high?"
"The question is, are you low?"
"...well played, my friend. Well played."
...
Harold and Sam stood about ten feet apart, baring their teeth.
"Guys, we need to stop this. Something bad could happen!" Chris, who had made it to the basement, exclaimed.
He and Chef locked eyes, then burst out laughing.
"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" the teens cheered.
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sam lunged at Harold, who dodged it easily and retaliated with a swift kick to the groin. As Sam moaned in pain, Chris snickered, taping it all on his cell phone.
...
As Duncan and Courtney stared in wonder, a warlock galloped into the kitchen on a unicorn, trailing a sparkly rainbow. The unicorn neighed and pawed the tiled floor. Brandishing a magic wand, the wizard doused the place in glitter before flying off into a cotton candy sunset.
"...woah."
...
"HOLY SHIT!" Zoey screamed when she saw the flaming car. "THAT FIRE IS DANGEROUS!"
"We're just getting started, sweetheart." Mal walked over, the blaze illuminating his face eerily. Sweeping Zoey up in his arms, he looked into her eyes with a burning stare. They drew in for a forbidden ki-
Yeah, right. You thought I was going to let that happen.
Mal whipped out a knife and held it to her throat.
"SWEET JESUS!" Zoey flailed but Mal held fast.
"Any last words?"
Zoey sighed. "No. But I do have an action."
"Wha-"
Zoey gave him the knee of justice she was so good at delivering. Mal fell and writhed on the ground.
"DAMN PHYSICAL FORM! I SWEAR UPON THIS WORLD I WILL-"
"You won't swear anything. I know you aren't Mike. Trust me, he'll find a way to get back."
"Oh, really? We'll see... next chapter."
"FUCK!"
...
"Where the heck is Jo? She's been absent from this fic for, like, three chapters."
Brick walked down the hallway, confused. Suddenly a door burst open AND A SCARY SKELETON POPPED OUT.
"Meh. Stupid troll pastas." Brick continued walking. "Jooo-oooo..."
Eventually he found another set of stairs. Walking up, he opened a trap door at the top the led to the roof.
Jo was walking back and forth.
"Hey, J- What are you doing?"
"Looking for Izzy! That bitch could've burned half of Canada down by now! And Gwen's gone too! Trust me, I'm not dying tonight!"
"I'll help," Brick offered.
"...fine. I need all the help I can get."
...
"Hey guys? Have you seen my unicorn? I think my Uncle Jeff the Warlock stole it..." Owen commented.
"...you mean that was real?" Duncan and Courtney locked eyes.
"I... I don't know anymore."
...
Dawn was meditating as Trent strummed peacefully on his guitar.
"Trent?"
"Yeah, Dawn?"
"I sense a random musical number coming on."
"Y'know, me too!"
"OHHHHHHHHHHHH-"
"NO! NO MORE MUSIC! IT WAS ENOUGH ON WORLD TOUR!" Leshawna slapped duct tape over their mouths.
They froze, then hummed instead.
"FUUUUUUUU-"