Chapter Eleven
"I can make myself feel what I want to believe, I am free, I am free, I am free..."
Adam looked like a ghost. His face had paled, his eyes were hollow, and his mouth hung open in a silent wail. I began to worry when he didn't move, he just stared at us with the same startled expression.
"Dude, are you alright?" Eli asked, tone laced with concern. His deep barritone rumbled against my chest, traveled down through my body and out the tips of my toes.
It felt good...too good and, for a beat, eclipsed my concern for our friend.
Sucking in a breath, Adam held up a hand. "You know," he began, his voice full of playful aggravation, "I just don't get it. No matter what I do- take the long way, read another issue of my favorite comic, watch television, do homework- I still walk in on the two of you humping like a couple of chiuauas in heat!" He shook his head. "I even manage to do it when you're supposed to be comatose!" He stubbed a finger at Eli and wrinkled his nose. "Although, I guess I'm glad you're not...that would've been a little too necrophilial for my taste..."
"Oh my God!" I muttered, face burning in embarrassment. I buried my head in the crook of Eli's neck and refused to come up for air. I could not believe the kid- he really was a snarky little butthole when the occassion called for it.
Eli, on the other hand, seemed to appreciate Adam's candor. I could tell from the way he tipped his head back and howled with laughter.
It was nothing if not irritating.
"Man, it is so good to see you," Adam added. "Well, what I can see of you under all that Edwards."
I growled in frustration and Eli chuckled. "You too, man," he replied, clearing his throat. "Uh, Clare, keep in mind that although I immensley enjoy this position-"
"Please do not finish that sentence," Adam cut in, his face a bit green.
"Why, whatever do you mean, Adam?" Eli drawled, a mocking quality to his voice. "The one where I beg Clare to slip into one of those little candy striping uniforms and give me a sponge-"
"Argh! Shut up!" The other boy shoved his fingers in his ears and began to sing a string of nonsense.
I slugged Eli in the shoulder and a guttural laugh bubbled up from the pit of his stomach. The sound was infectious. No matter how hard I tried to keep from giggling, it was useless. I met his wild green eyes- they were dancing, alight with mischief- and he winked at me in playful censure. It was clear Eli would never tire of his artful shenanigans.
"You're bad, you know that?" I asked, lacing my hands behind his head.
"You love it," he whispered.
Biting my lip, I glanced down at the front of his shirt. "I love you."
Lifting my chin with a finger, he gave me his most notorious smirk. "I know..."
Huffing, I made to slide off of his lap but a warm hand came up on my lower back, holding me in place. Eli's other hand snaked up my side, climbing along the fabric of my sweater, and cupped my cheek. We stared at each other for a moment, as if memorizing every curve, every feature. My breath caught in my throat as the intensity in his deep, green gaze spiked. It didn't matter if Eli hadn't said it back- everything I needed to know was right here, in front of me. He was the physical affirmation of love in my life and, in an odd moment of abberation, an old Shakespearian quote came to mind.
As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words.
Not one word in the English language, or any language for that matter, could rival this. True love was tangible, it was touchable, and right here, in Eli's arms, I'd never felt more loved in all my life. Pulling me forward, his mouth covered mine. His lips were soft, they were chaste, but every hair on my body still stood on end. I whimpered quietly as he fisted the back of my sweater and we lost ourselves in the rythmic pattern of shared breath and dual heart beats.
Adam heaved an agitated sigh just behind us and Eli broke our kiss, giving me an amused look. Peeking at Adam, he shrugged. "Figured I may as well go out with a bang," he ribbed.
I shook my head and jumped up, turning to face one annoyed Adam Torres.
Scoffing, he shook his head and swooped forward, pulling a swaying Eli to his feet. "Yeah, yeah...forever the third wheel," he blustered.
They stood in awkward silence, both at a loss for what to do. Adam tugged at his beanie and Eli smoothed the front of his tee shirt, featuring the infamous D.O.A.- a band he claimed single handedly started the 'hardcore punk scene' in Canada. I grinned inwardly- they both seemed more interested in their clothes than each other.
I looked back and forth between them and rolled my eyes. "Now boys," I teased, a wicked grin spreading over my face. "I think you're past the bungling first date stage of your relationship."
Adam snorted. "This coming from the girl who can't take a joke about necrophilia," he groused.
"Just cut the crap and get on with it!" I pressed, bringing my hands together to simulate their union.
Smirking, Eli took a shakey step forward and Adam did the same. I watched with affection as the two boys were reunited. They shared a typical, male embrace- stiff and dense, with heavy back pat- but I didn't miss the happiness on each of their faces. It was a touching, heartfelt scene- especially for a couple of guys hellbent on shirking emotional conduct.
"We've missed you a lot, man," Adam said as he pulled away from Eli.
His voice was strained and it sounded like he might burst into tears. Shifting on his feet, Adam pulled at the hem of his oversized, flannel shirt. His large, expressive eyes were clouded with sentiment and it clenched my heart. I had forgotten how close he and Eli really were. Standing here now, between two boys who meant more to me than anything else in the world, I realized how truly selfish I had been. All this time I'd been focused on myself...I had completely overlooked my best friend. I left Adam hanging, as if he didn't have it hard enough already. There was no other way to slice it- I was a self-righteous brat.
Stepping in front of Adam, I kept my eyes trained on the linoleum. I wanted to tell him everything- tell him how sorry I was for being such an idiot, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. Biting my lip, I tried to figure out a way to tell him without digging a deeper hole.
"Clare?" he proffered.
Tentatively, I met his eyes. "Adam...I..." trailing off, I looked away.
Why was this so hard? I'd been friends with Adam for a while now. Good friends- what we had wasn't your average, everyday relationship. In some way, Adam had become almost as important as Eli...just in a different capacity. If it weren't for him, for his support and love, I might have lost myself the first week Eli went missing. But I didn't, and I had him to thank for it. He kept me anchored and never let me hurtle into oblivion, no matter how hard I tried to sever the line.
I owed him...big time.
"I love you, Adam," I whispered.
It was soft and tenuous, but I knew he heard it. I could tell by the way his body stiffened. There was tension in the room- a thick, obvious pressure- though, surprisingly, it wasn't uncomfortable. It was warm and it signified a coming fusion- the electrical union of three individuals. In that moment, I knew that a single step was all it would take to reunite our little group.
I looked up at him, determination in my bright, blue gaze. "I just wanted you to know that," I added. "Because I feel like I haven't been there for you and-"
"You've been there, Clare," he cut in.
I blinked up at him. "No I haven't! I've been a total-"
"Clare," he interjected again, placing both hands on my shoulders. "Did it ever occur to you that you can't be the rock all the time?"
I opened and closed my mouth, not quite sure how to answer that question.
Adam's dyed in the wool expression segued to one of pure delight, a wide grin splitting his angelic face. "You've been there for me, for us," he gestured to Eli who was now lounging on the side of the bed. "This entire year- through ups and downs, in and outs- you've been loyal and supportive, a true friend. What's more, you've given me something I never had before."
Biting my lip, I cocked my head. "What's that?" I murmured.
"A chance to be the advocate," he replied in a single beat.
I frowned, a little thrown by his response.
"Don't you get it?" he exclaimed. "I've always been the beneficiary, the recipient. People pity me- it's the motivation behind their kindness. Instead of treating me like a person, they'd befriend me out of guilt...until I met you. Friendship with you and Eli isn't about doing me a favor. It's real give and take- it's love."
A tear slid down my face and I nodded in understanding. This group was about more than just three teenagers who had things in common. We were connected, in some crazy, celestial way, and I knew that our decisions, our personal struggles, had led us to one another. They had led us to love and there was nothing greater than that. Eli and I shared a romantic bond- the kind of love that people write about in fairy tales, that men and women desire to experience. Adam and I shared a familial bond- the kind of love people long for everyday, that everyone needs to make them feel alive.
And we had it.
Three average kids...three average freaks. One, the hopeless goth- obsessed with death- unfeeling, sarcastic, faithless, and dark. The other, a gender confused crackpot- obsessed with being a boy- gay, sinful, lost, and just plain nuts. And, finally, the innocent-eyed, little church girl- obsessed with her faith- pious, judgmental, sanctimonious, and prudish.
No matter what anyone else saw- we had the love they so desperately craved. We'd broken from the labels that tried to bind us, to keep us confined to some little box marked socially inept. We could not be marked, we were unfettered, we were indefineable...what was more, we were free.
A smile split my face and I nodded. "You're right," I said, stepping into his outstretched arms. "It is love."
I could see Eli grining at us from his spot on the bed. The light was streaming in through a window behind him, setting his dark hair ablaze. It almost looked as though a golden halo hung about his head and, with the puckish look on his face, he looked a bit like a fallen cherub.
Keeping his arm wrapped around my shoulder, Adam tugged me over to the bed. We sat down next to Eli as a unit, much as we had that day in Simpson's office.
"So, dude, I'm up to speed on your resurrection," Adam stated as he leaned forward to look at Eli, "but how are you? I mean, are you feeling okay?"
Eli braced his arms on his legs. "Other than pins and needles, no complaints here, man," he rejoined.
"Oh...uh, do you, like...remember anything?" Adam asked, nibbling his lower lip in concern.
Eli's gaze darted in my direction for a brief moment before flitting back to Adam. "Uh...no, not much," he assured him. "Just some...really weird dreams."
His voice had thickened and he looked a bit uncomfortable. Reaching out, I took his hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. I didn't know if Eli would ever tell Adam about our connection- he probably figured it would make him feel even more on the outs- and that was the last thing either of us wanted. Adam was family and we would do whatever it took to keep it that way.
"Wow..." Adam said after a contemplative moment. "Well, I'm glad you're feeling alright. We were worried about you- first, you went missing, and then...oh shit..."
Frowning, I turned towards him in question. "What's wrong?"
"Have you told him yet?" Adam asked.
I shot him a warning look but Eli was way ahead of me.
"Told me what?" he asked.
"It's nothing," I replied, refusing to meet his eyes.
"Nothing, eh?" I could feel the piercing glare on the side of my face. "Has anyone ever told you that you're a terrible liar, Edwards?"
My shoulders fell and I heaved a defeated sigh. "God, Adam...I'm going to kill you," I gritted out.
"Hey, how was I supposed to know you hadn't told him?" he snapped. "There wasn't a disclaimer on the door that read- WARNING! Eli Goldsworthy has risen from the dead...hold your tongue or else!"
I wrinkled my nose in distaste. "Adam, you really are ridiculous at times, you know that?"
"Ditto, babe."
"While I find this witty banter absolutely riveting," Eli cut in, his tone low and sarcastic, "I'd really appreciate it if one of you could tell me what the hell you're going on about."
Blowing out a heavy breath, I face him. "It's about...Fitz."
Eli's face twisted in revulsion. "What about him," he asked.
"Well..." I paused, trying to come up with a good way to go about this. "He's been arrested for your assault."
His mouth fell open in surprise. "Arrested?" he repeated, looking slightly dazed.
"Yeah, man," Adam interjected, earning a harsh scowl from me. "The whole school's talking about it. He's being charged for attempted murder. The trial starts in two months."
"Thanks for filling him in, Adam," I griped, rolling my eyes.
Eli stared at the floor in shock, his bottom lip clenched between his teeth.
"You okay?" I nudged him in the arm and his head snapped sideways, eyes fluttering in astonishment.
"Uh, yeah," he confirmed. "I was just thinking, that's all."
"About?"
He leveled his gaze, a resolved expression on his beautiful face. "About how I'm going to testify..."