Where the Sky Meets the Sea
11: Children
I tossed and turned all night, slipping in and out of nightmares, kicking my covers off only to be shivering ten minutes later and bundle myself back up again. I wondered what was wrong with me. Had I gotten sick too? Or was I just a nervous wreck? As I flopped over onto my back and stared at the ceiling I decided on the latter. I finally realized that I was scared to death. Scared for Kenzie and Glen, scared for Blake, scared for Ashley, scared for myself…
Eventually the sun came up and with its first rays I jumped out of bed and into the shower, then flew out of the apartment building and into my car. I needed to see her…I just couldn't figure out which 'her'. Fate and my low gas tank brought me to Ashley first…and I wasn't one to mess with destiny.
It all seemed so normal as I walked through the lobby, my dirty sneakers shuffling across the over-waxed floors and into an equally shiny elevator, the knobs and buttons yet to turn that dingy yellow color that they always seemed to on other lifts. I got to Ashley's floor and as usual it was bursting with a rainbow of flowers and sunshine pouring out of every room. Then I got to Ashley's door, and I stopped.
It was closed…for the first time…ever.
I took in a breath, then knocked heartily, hoping she'd pop up on the other side, bouncing and full of energy. In fact, I'd even take her tired and Treatment-weary, I just needed her. She wasn't what I got though, I was met with a much more hostile face. Aiden swung the door open, his cheeks tear-stained and usually bright green eyes filled with red cracks. I tried to look past him, into the room, but he shoved me backwards back out into the hall, stepping out and slamming the door shut behind him.
"You." He announced in as dangerous a tone as I'd ever heard him use.
"Is Ashley okay?!" I blurted and he gave me a look that made me feel like he could burst into tears or murder me in cold blood right there. It was so confused, so angry, so sad, so desperate. He seemed to settle on the both options and grabbed me by my shirt collar, shaking me unenthusiastically before collapsing and starting to cry. "You, you did this to her…" He said in a broken voice and now I couldn't care less, I pushed past him, dodging his efforts to stop me, and ran into her room.
The first thing I noticed was that it was deathly quiet as I padded through the room, passing the book pile and almost slipping on something soft lying on the floor. I bent over and slowly picked up the item to find that it was a cut-off glove, originally black but now grey with dust and lint. I cradled it to me, continuing even more warily to her bedside…and finally I looked at her. An oxygen mask covered her beautiful face, which looked sallow and gaunt instead of vibrant and animated. My breath caught as my eyes traced the maze of wires and drips attached to her, a myriad of machines buzzing away like an angry swarm. I took in the sight of her, trying to convince myself that she'd wake up any second now and say "hey there stranger" or some such greeting but nothing came.
Aiden grabbed me and dragged me out of the room just as that icy cold wave of reality hit me and I was too numb to fight back. He slammed the door shut again and just left me standing there.
"You have to end this." I pleaded with Kenzie, who had just stared at me as I stood in her hospital room and sobbed uncontrollably.
"Spencer, are you okay?" She asked gently for the fourth time and I nodded vehemently again, lied again.
"J-just promise me this is it." I begged, not thinking that I could stand to see this girl that I had loved with all of myself hooked up to all those buzzing machines…an oxygen mask over her face…I started to cry even harder. Kenzie looked at me, then at her son, who was happily pounding away at a Gameboy, all of yesterday apparently forgotten.
"…I still don't know." She replied, picking the bright ring up off her hospital table and observing it. I just shook my head and left, done with it all…
Buried under my covers I wept. It was the most I'd cried in such a long time, and it didn't feel good at all. I was trying not to let myself think her name, or her face, or her body…tried not to hear her laugh or see her smile…When I couldn't stand it anymore I would get up and watch TV, or walk aimlessly around my neighborhood, my hair sticking up at all angles and my face puffy and red. I'm sure I got a lot of stares, but I was also certain that I didn't care. Night came, and went, days passed. I skipped work, got yelled at by Kasey, then took an emergency leave. There was no way I could go back, not when I was like this. I never wanted to see any machines again, the ones that blipped and beeped and reminded me just how much I wanted to die with her, to lay at her side and feel the same blackness envelop me, never to lift again. But then I would try to be positive, to tell myself that it wasn't that bad. She wasn't in a coma, and she wasn't dead, she was just sick and she would certainly get better…she'd at least return to the way she was…she had to…
I was hazily trudging through my apartment on the final night of summer when someone knocked at my door. Blearily I opened it to find her on the other side, propped up on crutches but looking much better for all the wear and tear.
"…I choose you." She said softly as I let her into the darkened space. "I've made up my mind."
"…where's Blake?" I croaked, my heart and throat constricting.
"At my mom's." She replied, gingerly laying the crutches against the side of the wall and reaching for me.
"…you look terrible Spencerbear." She whispered against my neck, resorting to her childhood nickname for me…she always said I looked just like a teddy-bear…I blankly stayed in her embrace, not feeling any warmth, nothing but a body, one that I knew and didn't want to know anymore, it wasn't the one I yearned for. She hugged me tighter and I closed my eyes, picturing someone else, and then it became all right. I could just keep dreaming through life, pretending Kenzie was someone else…pretending she was her…and then everything would be alright…
tbc
r&r