Chapter 11: Touches
The tiny flat seemed different when Cas finally came home. Empty. Soulless. Cas put his briefcase on the low table, slipped out of his trench coat, and fell into the stuffed chair. He was exhausted... physically, and emotionally. He closed his eyes, but it was no good, the movie started in his head the moment it went dark...his own private torture movie, now in the theaters! For free!
He bent forward and buried his head in his hands, rubbed his eyes tiredly. I have to wipe out those green eyes, now, or I´ll go crazy, he thought, but of course, it was useless, the pictures kept coming, green eyes, a hand hoovering over his cheek, the longing and confusion in Dean´s look, soft and helpless...and the cold blooded killer a moment later, scary, and yet... Cas´ face grew hot. Being pressed against the wall like that – hard, painful, and barely able to breathe...those murderous eyes on him, ready to kill, almost... it had turned him on, even while he was gasping for air, struggling to survive, he knew damn well he´d gotten a hard-on, and he knew Dean had felt it, too... his kiss...
He groaned, desperately.
How am I supposed to help Sam if I´m a total mess? If I can´t even look Dean in the eye...how am I supposed to play my role in this game? It´s complicated enough as it is...and dangerous enough to get us all killed.
Which, if he looked at it realistically, was the thing most likely to happen, anyway.
And now McGee´s request, on top of it all. Christ in Heaven, at least the good man had noticed something was wrong after lunch, and hadn´t asked him to make Dean the target of his ... efforts. Cas was still not fully convinced that McGee hadn´t put his request exactly the way he´d understood it on purpose...ambiguously. Open to his imagination. Cas huffed, and it sounded bitter.
Yeah, well, send the small unimportant translator to bed with the leader of the opposite team, he´ll sure bring home a few secrets...isn´t that what luxury whores are hired for? Except that he, Castiel, would do it for free, of course, being an honorable member of the US ambassy/Chamber of Commerce, and naturally, he´d -
Stop whining, and stop kidding yourself, he reprimanded himself. You can have your little fantasies about whoring yourself out to a certain green eyed monster for the good of a country you don´t even hold dear...violent, dark fantasies, and yes, in his mind, he´d even seen the whole Kuro Tora delegation standing around them and watching while Dean was tieing him to the bedposts of an immense four poster bed in some huge, dark room, still watching him lick Cas´nipples and stomach and bite his lips and grab his hair brutally and smash him into the matrass, watching with weird black eyes, cold and greedy and full of want, but he was Dean´s only, only for the leader, whose hard cock he could already feel between his legs now, hard and demanding, and the green eyes stared into his so full of lust it was scaring him, he felt his own dick swell, rub against Dean´s groin, and Dean began to move, slowly, teasingly, torturing, sliding their hard cocks against each other, back, forth, back, Cas moaned, louder, he cried, because this...this was Hell, and it was Heaven at the same time, and all the time, the green eyes held his gaze, hard and possessive and unyielding, burning into him, deep, deeper, and holy hell he felt the tip of Dean´s hard cock at his hole now, and Dean´s eyes changed, they grew darker, darker, until they were black, and brutal, and without any humanity left in them, and Cas knew he´d be hurt, not like the pain the wild sex with Sam had brought, full of pleasure, no – pure and hot and cruel pain, deadly, Cas knew it would kill him, KILL him, and yet he wanted it, had to have it, he had to, had to, had to, and then it-
With a jolt, he sat up, gasping, panting, shirt sticking to his body, trousers wet and sticky and...
Jesus...I´ve had an orgasm dreaming of being fucked to death, he thought. Fucked to death by Sam´s worshipped big brother, whom I should do everything to save, and bring down the bastards that turned him into... whatever he is now.
He didn´t move for a long time, sitting in the low chair, feeling sweat and come dry on his clothes and skin, getting cold, and not caring. When his disgust made him feel nauseous already, he got up with some effort, and stalked to his bathroom, went right into the bathtub with his clothes on, and turned on the shower.
He stayed under the running water until it turned cold.
The same room, same people, sitting on the same chairs. Same rituals, same voices ...Cas got the impression of being caught in a time loop. Except – it wasn´t the same at all.
He´d inadvertently looked up when an awkward silence fell after a rather heated remark from one of the US delegation´s members; strangely enough, everyone looked at Dean, who sat in his chair absolutely motionless and with no recognizable expression on his face – it was as if he was in trance, but with open eyes. Cas stared at him just like everyone else, fascinated by the power the man held without doing anything, saying anything. Is it just the organisation behind him, the weight of the huge company, or an authority given to him by character and strength and perfect control of himself, hewondered ...and of course, his mind slipped again, to the moments where the control had abandoned the official version of Dean Winchester and left a human being instead. A confused, needy man, fear and hopelessness hidden deep inside.
He´s a two-sided coin, Cas thought. And I know what his dark powerful side does to me, right? I´d love to get to know the other one, too ... see if I there´s more to this attraction than...S&M fantasies and sticky trousers.
Dean raised his hand, got up, and bowed politely. He spoke completely calm, friendly even, and Cas felt the members of the US delegation relax. Fools, he thought. They don´t understand anything about Japanese power play...
Dean talked in English, so Cas was free to watch and listen ... and no matter how hard he had tried not to look at the man all day so far, now he was caught again, a moth dancing around a streetlamp at night, consumed by its inability to leave ... I´ll fly into the light and burn, he thought, even if I try, I´ll never be able to get away... maybe in real life, yes, but he will take my mind hostage ... I´ll be a prisoner of my own desires, and this man will keep them alive ... forever..
He had drifted away, pictures of his dream were infecting his thoughts, Dean´s voice alone was enough to send shivers down his spine, the bed, his own tied hands, his writhing body, begging for more, more pressure, more torture, more pain, and the eyes...black holes sucking him in, swallowing his whole universe and leaving nothing but emptiness.
A noise escaped him, a suppressed, strangled moan.
Cas froze. Oh God, let me be hit by lightning NOW. Or open the ground and make me vanish forever... but no one seemed to have payed attention, they were all still listening intently to what Dean had to say, it was a lot, obviously, Cas hadn´t heard a word of it, the Japanese translators were murmuring, the stenotypists´ pens scratched over rough paper, the protocollist´s writing machine hammered in the background.
No one had noticed.
No one but one.
When Cas dared to look at Dean again, he had just finished, and looked around, bowing in his elegant way. And then his gaze caught Cas´. For a second or two...
And Cas knew.
I´m a dead man, he thought. Cause I´ll never be able to get away from him.
The ambassador called for a break after that, and people were obviously keen to get up and move and get rid of the earlier tension. There was a general hustle and bustle untypical for high-end negotiations like this, and Cas noticed how Dean talked fast and intently to two of his assistants, who nodded jerkily, took notes, and left in a hurry after a few minutes. Pause would be for 30 minutes only, and if he wanted to get some fresh air and clear his head, he´d have to leave. He put his notes in order, stowed them safely into his briefcase, closed it, and went to fetch his coat from the hall stand; he was held up by one ofe the US delegation´s assistants, who had a few questions to Japanese expressions regarding trade (well, better ask late than never, Castiel thought). He was eager to get out, move his legs, breathe in some spring air ... forget about what had happened. He was shrugging into his coat a little clumsily, when suddenly he felt hands holding it, helping him to get his arms into the sleeves.
„Thank you", he murmured, slightly embarrassed. He turned.
„I seem all stiff and clumsy from all the -". He stopped.
Of course...who else would it be. He stared into the green eyes.
There go your delicate wings, little moth, he thought.
„I wanted to apologize", Dean said. „For my ... inappropriate behavior yesterday. I am very sorry to have imposed myself on you like that."
Cas searched the green eyes, and he found real regret in them. And strangely enough, it annoyed him.
„Do you regret approaching me at all or just the way you did it", he blurted out without thinking. He felt the heat flush his face the moment he´d closed his mouth.
Idiot, he scolded himself, idiot, shut up, just shut up!
He saw the brief flash of – anger? – in Dean´s eyes. Then they grew softer... pained, even, for a moment. He didn´t answer, but turned his head and scanned the room briefly, a soldier inspecting the ground. When his gaze returned to Cas´- who felt like a complete fool – it went softer again.
„Would you like to take a walk?", Dean asked, and Cas´ legs suddenly turned to useless appendages to his too heavy, too clumsy body.
„Yes", he croaked. „I – I was just heading out to get some air."
„Would you mind if I join you?"
Wings, body, antlers, little scuffling legs – the whole moth was in flames. Cas could even hear the sizzling noise when it first touched the light.
They crossed the street, walked down the whole lane and turned left. At the end of the street was a small garden, one of the rare green places in the fast growing city. The sun was pleasant on Cas´ face, and the fresh air seemed to bring his dazed mind back to functioning. They walked in silence first, until they reached the entrance gate to the tiny park. Dean stopped at the wooden structure.
„It wasn´t my intention to scare you", he said somberly. „I – I got carried away." Cas studied the handsome face. A muscle was twitching in the corner of Dean´s left eye.
To Hell, Cas thought. I´m burning to ashes anyway - better to know if it was worth it.
„Do you regret it?", he asked. „Almost kissing me?"
The green eyes bore into his, and again, he believed to see pain in them for a moment.
„No". The voice was lower, rougher now. Cas could feel the goosebumps run down his body. He shivered.
„Then why ...why did you stop?", he whispered, and he saw the want flare in Dean´s eyes, a dangerous hunger, impossible to still. He will consume me, skin, flesh, and bones, he thought.
And heart, and soul.
Dean raised his hand, as if to touch Cas´ face, but stopped midway. His hand seemed frozen there for an instant. Then he let it fall down.
„Let´s walk", he said, and turned to enter the garden.
It was more like a tiny lawn with a few trees on it, a Japanese Acorn just showing the first tips of the new green leaves at the center of it, and three cherry trees, blossoms already raining down on the grass and the pebble of the path, a fast decaying layer of pale pink under their feet.
„So – how did you end up in Japan?", Dean asked, voice back to polite conversational mode.
Cas threw the other man a brief glance. Dean´s face wore its usual unscrutable expression again. OK. Let´s stay at the surface , then, he thought, feeling a painful sting in his chest. Let´s play the `everything is normal and we are just two business partners taking a walk´ - card. Except that nothing, NOTHING, is normal here.
McGee´s request came to his mind, and he kicked at a stone on the path in frustration.
„My father was in the military. He was transferred here when I was a teenager. My mother and I moved to Japan with him."
A curious glance. He could feel it on his face like a flashlight being aimed at him.
„And you stayed?"
„Yes." His voice sounded rough, clipped.
All of a sudden, he didn´t feel like talking any more. This is insane, he thought. All I want to do is find someplace hidden and rip the clothes off that body, and be slammed against a wall and be kissed until my lips bleed, and .... and suddenly, he knew that what he really wanted was to see the control leave the other man, completely, to see and hear and feel Dean lose it, unleash whatever was tamed inside that man – the monster and the sweet boy, both of them.
He stopped.
„Let´s go back", he croaked. Being burned alive is Ok, but I can´t just make polite conversation while my body is on fire, he thought. Dean had made two more steps before he realized. He turned, a little surprised.
„I think we´ve still got time ?", he said, and it sounded like a question.
„I know, I – I just want to go back", Cas murmured, embarrassed by his own behavior.
I ´m sorry, Dean ...I can´t... can´t pretend, he thought. Your sun is too hot, your light too bright.
„Oh...OK, then", Dean said. Cas could hear a hint of insecurity in his voice.
They didn´t talk. Cas could tell Dean was throwing him glances, and he got the impression the other man was just about to ask him something more than once; but in the end, they walked the whole way back in silence, a growing awkwardness in between them.
They reached the building, went up the stairs side by side, entered through the huge wooden doors held open by the doorman. They were in the hall, turned into the large corridor, staircase at the end, both deserted; but he could hear voices from above, the clinking of cups. They passed doors, one, two, three, hurrying as if driven by an invisible force ...
And then Cas turned, and grabbed Dean, and slammed him against the wall.
Dean was so surprised he didn´t even react for a moment - thank God, the tiny part of Cas´ brain that actually still worked logically threw in, you´d be dead by now otherwise – and Cas used it, groped for the door handle, and pushed them both through the door. They stumbled into a small room, some office with lots of files in shelves on both walls and a huge desk in front of a narrow window. The moment of surprise was gone, and it was Dean back in control now ; Cas felt his hands in his hair again, the folders cut into his back painfully, and Dean´s eyes were wild, flaming, and oh God, he was baring his teeth, for a moment, a wild animal setting straight hierarchy ... it´s the alpha wolf staring at me, Cas thought, unleashed for a second, and in that moment, he was sure Dean would bite him, actually bite, bury his teeth in his throat, and shake him, and – there was a growl, an animalistic, feral GROWL coming from Dean, and Cas´ groin answered immediately, aflame within an instant, cock twitching and pressing against his trousers..he felt sweat run down his back, and then the flame in Dean´s eyes changed, it was cold now, cold ice burning into his own eyes, and Dean´s hand was on his groin, pressure against pressure, hot and painful and oh God so good... a strangled whimpering noise escaped Cas, and he arched against the other man´s body, needy like a dog in heat, he thought. They stood like that, seconds passing, and only now Cas realized he was panting, and he could feel Dean´s hot breath in his face, their noses were almost touching ...
And then the pressure on his cock was gone, hands held his face, but ...gently, and Dean´s thumbs caressed his cheekbones, soft and ... caring, and Dean´s eyes...they weren´t cold, or wild, just ...soft, and sad. And guilty.
He felt those warm hands stroke the hair off his front, and then Dean´s face was even closer than before, and his lips were on Cas´, soft and plush and immensely gentle, and they kissed, not at all like the last time, not like Cas had imagined in his violent dreams.
No, not at all.
Just...so much better.
It lasted for a second, two, three, and then Dean suddenly stepped back, his lips were gone, his hands, and he just looked at Cas for a moment, face an unreadable mixture of emotions...he seemed more confused than ever, and touched his front in an unvoluntary gesture, feeling for the long scar running from his hairline down to the right eyebrow.
His hand fell down, „I´m sorry", he croaked, voice strangled, „I – I can´t...", and then he turned and was out of the door before Cas had had time to open his mouth or move or react in any possible way.
And again, he found himself alone in the silence of a room, legs wobbly and heart pounding against his chest, shaken by lust and emotions and a fear that started to grip his soul with cold hands.