Sarian Presents: Sins of Our Fathers, Sons of Our Lovers

by namelesslunitic

A family tragedy sends Brian and Stewie's lives into turmoil, leaving them struggling to find their way down separate roads until they inevitably careen into each other. Sometimes it's the stormiest paths that eventually lead to the brightest rays of sun. - A Brewie collaboration between namelesslunitic and TourmalineTrue

11. Chapter 10: The One With the Explosion

Chapter 10: The One With the Exploding Preschool Teacher

Stewie woke up feeling as though something was...off.

He knew immediately upon opening his eyes that there was too much sunlight in the room. It was definitely much later than he usually woke up. That was some noontime sunlight entering the room. He gave a stretch and blinked his eyes. Well, he'd certainly gotten his beauty sleep, that was for sure. Not that he really needed it. He did still have baby soft skin, after all.

"Morning," came a vaguely unenthusiastic voice from off to his side.

"Bah!" Stewie jumped upon turning his head. That voice had come from nearer by than he'd imagined. "What in the name of- !" The baby took a breath, hand pressed to his speeding heart. Belatedly, he remembered that when he'd woken up moments ago, he'd woken up abruptly, to the sensation of being lightly jostled.

Stepdoggy must've come in to...get him up. So to speak.

Dammit, Stewart! A sophisticated mind like yours doesn't belong carousing in the gutter like a mangy, a mangy…

Well. Dog.

Wait, so...why was Brian getting...waking him up so late?

"What bloody time is it? Did I sleep half the day away? Why did you let me do such a thing, stepdoggy? I've got...I've got things on the docket, places to go, people to see. Some of us have a life!"

Brian gave a self-conscious chuckle. Stewie squinted at the canine. He looked a little...worse for wear. If Brian had slept in, too, it had done absolutely no good. Oh, he still looked like sex on four legs- maybe even a little more so for being scruffy- but he didn't look like he was exactly having a good morning.

"Sorry, kid. You know, the weekend. You work all week, and then you take every chance you get to oversleep. Especially with...the others gone." His expression tightened for a second. He coughed. "I don't feel, like, pressure to make breakfast for everybody."

"Hmph. I guess me, myself, and I aren't worth making an effort for," sniffed Stewie, standing up in his crib. "That's fine. That's...whatever." He batted his hand. "I'll settle for some Fruity Pebbles. But now that our day is finally starting, what exactly did you have in mind for it? What did you wake me up for?"

"What do you care, you've got a full schedule as it is," Brian deadpanned. "I just got you up because...well, I felt like I shouldn't let you sleep all day." The dog started forward, his movements obvious. He was attempting to help Stewie out of his crib, but the child, without thinking about it, practically slapped his paws away. Brian may or may not have looked startled by this, but Stewie wouldn't know, having turned away and started climbing over the crib bars by himself.

"I can take it from here, dog. You've done your part already."

---

"I thought I was done taking care of you this morning," Brian jibed, carrying the bowl of cereal over to the infant who was sitting on the couch. "Here." He handed it to Stewie. "And I don't suppose you'll need help changing out of your pajamas after you finish eating, either?"

Stewie took the cereal and feigned a casual laugh. "What, do you think my motor skills aren't developed enough to handle operating a spoon? I keep telling you that I build advanced machinery and high tech scientific devices that would boggle the mind of the common man or beast. So why am I going to have to change out of these pajamas at all? Am I going to wind up getting more on me than in me?" He attempted to imitate his mother's voice and admittedly didn't pull it off very well. "I'm not going to end up wearing my breakfast, stepdoggy, and I can promise you that. And afterward, I'm going to enjoy a nice, indolent day at home in my jammie jams. Because I'm worth it."

"Wow. That was quite a rant," stated Brian, blinking at him. The mutt inclined his head toward the bowl the baby was holding. "Your cereal's getting soggy."

"Oh, you just know everything, don't you?"

"What's on T.V?" asked the dog, looking at the screen for the first time.

Stewie shrugged. "Well, it was a Thigh Master infomercial, I don't know what this is…"

It appeared to be some kind of daytime talk show. The female host was consoling another woman, who was weeping and spilling her guts out on national T.V.

"It's just...he's such a nice guy!" the woman whined, burying her face in a tissue. "I feel really bad, but...there's just no heat!"

"Honey," said the host, and then turned away from the guest she was ostensibly trying to comfort in order to give a wink to the audience, "you should always have heat in the sheets."

The audience collectively hollered and whooped in a way that seemed way too celebratory for the circumstances.

"I may as well be in bed with a cold, dead fish!" the woman wailed. "With nightcrawler lips. He kisses like...like a slithery worm! I know...I know he's trying hard, but, but...it's getting to the point where I can't stand to have him touch me. I knew...I knew it meant something, that I had doubts before our wedding." She shook her head in despair. "I even skipped our rehearsal dinner because I was feeling so conflicted. And the worst part is, I really do love him…"

"Awwwww!" said the audience, all together.

"...as a friend," the woman finished, and the audience's awww's turned to gasps and quiet mutterings.

"Have I made a terrible mistake?" the woman asked the host of the show, and gave a highly unappealing-sounded snort as she sniffed back her mucus. "I mean, they always, they always s-say, that friendship is the best foundation for a marriage."

"But," the host argued, and looked very seriously into the camera. "It can't be all you have," she intoned gravely, and the audience's applause seemed somehow somber, too.

"Boooo! Boooo!" someone yelled over this applause, and the camera swung around to capture a man standing up in the audience and walking out. The guest up on stage likewise leapt to her feet.

"Harold! Harold, wait!" she cried.

The screen suddenly went black and Stewie turned in surprise to see the dog with remote in hand.

"Why'd you shut it off, I was watching that!"

"You shouldn't be, it's inappropriate," Brian said in a monotone, and tossed the remote aside. He looked vaguely grouchy, and Stewie could've asked him what was wrong, but after thinking about it for a couple of moments, something clicked into place that hadn't when the baby had still been shaking off the fog of sleep upstairs in his crib. Brian had all the hallmarks of being hungover.

And now they were just sitting there in silence. On the couch, together. All alone in the house, together. And the air seemed thicker, somehow, more claustrophobic. And Stewie scowled because he couldn't think of a conversational opener, but he could think of a way to mess with Brian, and even if messing with Brian probably wasn't the best way to endear himself to the mutt, nothing he could do was ever going to win him over, anyway, and anything was better than sitting here in awkward silence.

Stewie forced a faux pout onto his lips. "Awww," he cooed sarcastically, "what's the matter, dog? Were the emotions getting a little too...loud for you?" He reached over and grabbed the remote, turning the T.V. back on and quickly jabbing the 'volume up' button repeatedly with his thumb until the jumbled sounds of a murmurring and cheering audience, a host preaching relationship wisdom, and a sobbing woman rose into an absolute din.

Brian's expression swiftly turned into a pronounced, annoyed wince. "Stewie, you need to listen to me when I tell you not to do things! I'm the authority figure here!" He lunged for the remote. Stewie leaned away from his grasp.

"Balderdash! You have no authority here!"

The canine grabbed for the remote again, and once more, Stewie attempted to move it out of reach, but this time, he forgot he was holding his cereal bowl in his other hand.

It tipped, Stewie fell back against the sofa cushions, Brian cursed, the T.V. was switched off, Stewie felt the weight of the bowl in his lap, the wetness of the milk dripping down his face, along with the texture of little pebbley pieces stuck here and there, and a hot flush in his cheeks.

---

It was utterly humiliating- and slightly chilling- to descend the stairs to the basement in only his diaper, seeing Brian already down there by the washing machine and cleaning up after the baby's own foolish mistake.

"Here," said Stewie upon reaching the bottom, not wanting to let on about his embarrassment. He thrust a small bottle at the dog. "Your aspirin."

The canine took the bottle with a nod of thanks. "You didn't guess wrong about the headache," he said dryly. "And the sound of this washing machine isn't helping."

Stewie's stepdoggy had a load in the washer and was working on sorting out another for when the current one needed rotating. As it turned out, the Griffins had quite a backlog of laundry. Stewie didn't even have a shirt and pair of overalls clean.

"I guess Lois kinda fell behind," the dog observed, looking unhappily at the piles of clothes. He threw back a couple aspirin and sighed.

Stewie cleared his throat and crossed his arms over his chest. "Yes. Well. While you're busy picking up the slack for my slothful slattern of a mother, I'm just going to go wait upstairs. Let me know when my clothes are done and I can be decent again." He glanced down briefly at his mostly uncovered body and turned to go back toward the stairs.

Brian snorted. "When are you ever 'decent', Stewie?"

Stewie's head slowly rotated to look back over his shoulder and face Brian with a chastising glare. "I do believe that was an inappropriate thing to say to your stepson. I'd be careful if I were you, Brian. You know, taken as a whole, some of the things you say to me could get you classified as a verbally abusive parent."

The canine blinked at him before scoffing not just in disbelief, but evident, genuine, and open amusement. "Yeah, Stewie, let's just see you make that one fly. Who's even going to listen to you?"

Stewie gasped loudly and dramatically, but if truth be told, he was barely suppressing a smile. This was all just banter. "That's just what an abuser would say!"

Brian was smirking now slightly, too. "Yeah, yeah, Stewie. I just do my best to try and keep you in line. You don't think your behavior toward me is occasionally 'inappropriate', from a stepson to a stepfather?"

For all his big, bulbous brain's capabilities, it took the child until that moment to realize that he'd drawn Brian into a conversation about what were and weren't inappropriate interactions between them, and that really wasn't something that Stewie wanted to think about for too long. Now that he was done throwing quips, his mind had finally decided to exercise its full genuis again, only this time it was thinking of ways to be ingeniously...ingeniously inappropriate. Time to get out, now.

"Ahhh, Brian," the baby drawled, batting his hand. "I have a feeling this will be a back-and-forth we'll have many a time, without ever coming to a solution. 'You don't treat me with enough respect!' 'No, you don't treat me with enough respect!' I'm the one in the right, of course, but that's beside the point at the moment. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to adjourn to my room, instead of standing here in my shame anymore."

Once more, he attempted to head for the stairs, only to have to turn around again when Brian baited him with,

"Your shame in not being able to defend yourself in an argument, or are you suddenly too shy to hang out around the house in your diaper?" The dog snickered, turning to begin the arduous task of sorting through all the laundry that overfilled the nearby baskets. "You know, with the others gone, you could help me out with all of this, instead of running away to go have tea time with Rupert. I know you're more than capable of sorting out laundry. How's that for giving you some credit?"

Stewie hesitated. "Well, I can separate whites from colors. Unlike you." Still, that sounded incredibly boring, and he'd be damned if he had to touch the undergarments belonging to the swinish occupants of this household. Plus, he really, really didn't want to spend any prolonged time with Brian while in this state of undress. Well he did, but…

That course of thinking was thoroughly impractical, however, so the baby just quickly said, "Quit trying to force me into child labor, stepdoggy! This family's too poor to have any new clothing, anyway, so I doubt you'll end up with colors bleeding onto whites. Just do your best, Fido. See you when my clothes are ready!" And he out-and-out ran up the stairs, hoping to find some sort of activity that would allow him to stop thinking about this latest awkward exchange with the hunky dog down in his basement.

---

"No, Rupert, not there! I need you to move these blocks over next to the red ones! Don't make me whip you again!"

The infant was standing in the center of his room, surrounded by various building blocks of assorted shapes and sizes. It appeared that he had been very busy since retreating from the basement. No longer was he in just his diaper. No, the child was now wearing one of his bedsheets around his waist. The sheet had been fashioned into something that could have easily been called a skirt, and on his head was a small towel that he was somehow able to shape into a very fitting headdress. He was also wearing one of Lois's nicer necklaces, which he had taken simply out of spite one evening several months ago. It was one with a great big red jewel, and he had placed this necklace on top of the headdress so that the jewel was adorned right in the center of his forehead. To finish off the ensemble was one of Chris's older belts that had become too small for the obese teen but that had still, for some reason, been lying on the floor in the oldest Griffin son's room. The toddler was brandishing the belt in his hand, cracking it in the direction of his stuffed bear who was sitting still on the floor just a few paces away from him.

"Rupert! Did you hear me?! The blocks. Now! You're my slave, remember?"

The bear didn't move. Stewie groaned.

"What are you doing, Rupert?! A slave can't talk that way to his master! Especially when his master is the bloody Pharaoh of Egypt! Build my pyramids, damn you!"

He cracked the "whip" again as a warning.

The bear continued to defy him. Stewie had had enough of this. He raised the belt in his hand with the intention of actually striking the bear this time.

Luckily for Rupert, it was right then that Brian walked into the room.

Stewie jumped, the intrusion having shocked him out of his fantasy. He lowered the belt and turned to address the dog. He wasn't able to get any words out, though, because the expression on Brian's face was just too priceless.

The canine was standing there in the open doorway, holding a basket that contained a load of Stewie's clean clothes. His eyes were wide in an apparent sign of either shock or confusion. Probably both. So, for a little while the two of them just stared at each other awkwardly. The silence wasn't broken until Brian finally cleared his throat, proceeding further into the room as he spoke.

"Uhhhhh, Stewie? What the hell are you doing with Rupert?"

The animal's words caused the boy to blanch slightly. He tossed the belt across the room, his deer-in-the-headlights look vanishing as he glared up at Brian and his next words exited his mouth in a flustered yet annoyed flurry.

"N-Never you mind what I'm doing with Rupert!"

He pointed at the basket.

"Are those my clean clothes?"

Brian stared at the child curiously for another moment before simply shaking his head and setting the basket down next to Stewie's dresser drawer.

"They are."

He reached in and pulled out two articles of clothing, a pair of Stewie's usual red overalls and the now washed blue baby sleeper.

"Now, do you want to get dressed or do you just want to put this back on?"

Stewie knew the answer to stepdoggy's question. It was practically evening already, anyway, so there was no reason to get completely dressed now unless they were going somewhere. And, they weren't, so he needed to put on his sleeper, obviously. But, he found himself frozen for a time as he realized that it was going to be Brian putting it on him.

He had to once again disrobe in front of that dog, and then, those paws were going to be roaming all over his body as they slid the fabric onto his person…

He shivered and forced a look of condescension as he pointed toward the blue sleeper.

"But, of course, I won't be getting dressed, now, dog. You shouldn't even have to ask."

Brian rolled his eyes but said nothing as he placed the overalls back into the basket. With the sleeper in hand, he walked over to the child and knelt down.

"Alright, then. You gonna take whatever the hell this is off?"

"N-naturally," Stewie only slightly stammered, but then made no move to start removing the costume. After a few seconds ticked by with nothing happening, the canine seemingly lost patience with the child. With the blue sleeper tucked under one arm, Brian suddenly picked Stewie up and basically tucked him casually under the other.

Initially stunned by being so swept away by Brian, it took the baby a moment to respond. "Careful not to topple my pyramid, you oaf! I've got a very impressive erection in progress!"

The dog scoffed at this, but said nothing more as he carried the infant over to the changing table. He climbed up onto the stepping stool and set the kid down. He then motioned towards Stewie's outfit.

"Are you going to take it off, or am I going to have to do it for you?"

Oh...dear...lord…

The child gulped unintentionally. This was just so unfair.

"I-I'll do it. You...you don't deserve that honor."

What?! What the hell did you just say, Stewart?!

Brian tilted his head at the young boy, mouth hanging open slightly.

"Uhhh, ok..?"

Stewie stood there for only a moment longer before quickly tugging off the two pieces of fabric on his body, tossing them along with the necklace down to the floor unceremoniously. He was hoping he didn't look as awkward as he felt. Oh, god, what was Brian thinking, right now?!

"There! I'm baring all once more! Now, don't stand there staring like some sort of creep. Let's get this over with, Rover!"

Brian stared at him a moment longer before simply shrugging and holding out the sleeper so that Stewie could step into the legs of the outfit.

Not wanting to prolong his suffering, the child immediately set one foot into the sleeper. He wobbled a bit when he went to place his other foot inside, but he was immediately steadied by a paw on his shoulder. He shuddered at the contact and met the dog's eyes. Brian was smiling at him.

"Don't worry. I've got ya, kid."

A pause in the rapid beating of his heart.

A feeling of lightheadedness.

Stewie shook his head, trying to come back to reality. He couldn't afford to get lost in those desires right now. He cleared his throat.

"Well, I can see that. You'd be quite the horrible step-parent if you didn't, right?"

He chuckled sadly and placed his other foot in the sleeper.

Brian said no more and quickly buttoned him in.

It was amazing how something as simple as being clothed in his pajamas once more was enough for Stewie to feel the weight of this moment lifting off his tiny shoulders. He breathed in and clapped his hands together.

"Alright. Done. Let's get on with the rest of our day, shall we?"

The infant hopped down to the floor, and Brian followed after him, climbing off of the stool.

"Not really much of the day left."

He walked back over to the basket and began putting away the remaining clothes. Stewie wasn't far behind, addressing Brian as he quickly put the infant's clothes away.

"True."

He reached up and began tapping his chin.

"Although, I can stay up tonight. No, preschool and all."

Brian set the shirt he was currently holding into one of the drawers and turned to look at Stewie, eyebrow quirked.

"What? Since when? Just because Lois isn't here doesn't mean I'm letting you play hooky."

Stewie frowned and rolled his eyes.

"You seriously don't remember? I thought Lois told you about this."

Brian just shook his head and grabbed a pair of matching socks that he then proceeded to roll together and place in another drawer.

The boy sighed.

"Well, do you at least remember that the reason the building has been closed for the last few days was because they were repainting the classroom?"

Brian bent over to grab another article of clothing out of the basket.

Stewie kept his eyes from wandering.

"Oh, yeah? They still doing that? I thought they finished Friday."

"Well, there was... ahem." The child couldn't keep a small chuckle from his voice, but he attempted to cover it up with a cough. "An incident." He tapped on his chin and spoke contemplatively. "Let's see, er, how can I put this? I understand that some people can be sensitive to gruesome news."

He seemed to have garnered Brian's full attention, and the dog was standing, facing him and waiting expectantly for him to finish his story.

"Teacher go boom," Stewie stated bluntly.

The canine's ears twitched as if he couldn't possibly have heard that correctly.

"What?!"

Stewie rolled his eyes. The frequency with which he rolled his eyes around here sometimes made him worry they'd eventually fall right out of his head, but he did it, anyway.

"Oh, what the devil are you looking at me like that for? I didn't do it!"
Brian shook his head very rapidly. "I-I didn't say that you did, Stewie, but now that you mention it- "

Stewie's shoulders sagged. "If you don't believe me, you're not getting your money's worth out of this story. The best part is the stupid woman did it to herself. She was smoking near some paint cans, apparently. And the rest is history. As uh, as is she."

The child finished his story in a manner of pure nonchalance, folding his hands behind his back and rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet as he shot the dog a big grin.

Brian, however, looked absolutely horrified.

"Oh my god!"

He dropped the pair of overalls that he had been holding and just remained standing there with an expression of pure shock.

"Lois didn't say anything about that!"

Stewie shrugged.

"Eh, I guess she has been pretty distracted lately."

The dog's expression fell into one of hurt.

Stewie noticed immediately, causing his smile to fall in turn.

"But, hey, it's no big deal. She's always distracted with some idiotic thing."

Those words didn't seem to have any noticeable effect on the canine. He just leaned down to retrieve the overalls he had dropped and continued with his chore.

Stewie mentally slapped himself. Things were going so well...or at least well for them. Then, he had to go and say that! Of course Brian didn't want to hear about Lois being distracted these past few days or anything that even remotely had to do with Chris running away.

Nice one, Stewie...

"So, how long exactly until you can go back to preschool?"

Stewie snapped out of his thoughts and brought his attention back to the dog who was just finishing up with the clean laundry.

"Well, you see...I don't really know. I heard Lois say that classes wouldn't start back until they found another teacher, and who knows how long that could be."

Brian closed the final drawer and leaned his forehead against the dresser.

"So, what you're saying is that you might not be able to go back for at least another few days. And, with Lois and the others gone that leaves me with nowhere to keep you while I'm at work."

The boy's mouth fell open slightly, not sure what to say. This was honestly something he hadn't considered yet.

"Oh...yeah. I guess that is the case."

Brian suddenly shut his eyes and punched the drawer, releasing a feral grow as he did so.

"Goddammit, Stewie! I need to go to work! Paddy is going to kill me!"

This reaction honestly took Stewie completely off guard. The boy jumped back and began waving his arms in the air defensively.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Don't get mad at me! Like I said, I didn't blow up the dumb bimbo!"

The dog clenched his fists tightly before exhaling a long breath through his teeth and composing himself. He opened his eyes and looked at the boy apologetically.

"I...I'm not mad at you, Stewie. I know it's not your fault. This just… This just sucks."

Stewie nodded his head, considering his next words carefully. After a minute, an idea popped into his head. He smiled warmly at the canine, doing his best to reassure his stressed friend.

"Hey, you know, you don't have to take me anywhere. I'd be perfectly fine here alone for a few hours."

The dog breathed in deeply once more and appeared to be considering the suggestion. That didn't last long, though. Because, in the next moment, the dog was shaking his head vigorously in the negative.

"No. No. I can't do that, Stewie. If Lois found out… I can't have her mad at me about something else."

Who cares what that wench thinks!? Do what's best for you, you overly-devoted lapdog!

Stewie wanted to give voice to his thoughts. This was so very frustrating. He hated seeing Brian so upset, but it was always so much more infuriating to see his stepdoggy tearing himself apart over someone so unworthy as his mother. Still, he knew deep down that there was no swaying Brian on this matter, so he did his best to mask the anger the dog's words had caused him to feel, offering nothing more than a simple nod before saying, "Well, don't say I never tried for you."

Brian offered up a small smile before turning around and picking up the now empty basket.

"Come on. I think there are some leftovers still in the fridge we can have for dinner."

The dog then proceeded out of the room, leaving Stewie to stand there feeling slightly defeated before finally working up the nerve to chase after the object of his affections.

---

The rest of the day was rather uneventful. Brian and Stewie had dinner and watched a little television before Brian decided it was time for Stewie to go to bed. Stewie hadn't been tired since he'd slept in so late, but he also hadn't protested because he didn't want to be difficult for Brian. The dog was under enough pressure as it was, as far as he was concerned. Still, he had found it incredibly difficult to get to sleep. He wasn't sure what time it had been when he'd finally been able to find a comfortable position that allowed him to slip off into dreamland, but he knew it must have been late. So, this made it especially odd to him when he awakened the next morning to find that the sun had just barely risen. The infant rubbed at his eyes groggily and turned his gaze towards his bedroom window. He yawned.

"What the devil? How can it still be so early?"

The baby contemplated whether or not he should get out of bed or roll over and go back to sleep. There was no way he had gotten his first eight hours, and it wasn't like he had anywhere he needed to be early. So, his choice seemed pretty clear. But, just as he was about to roll to the other side of his bed, his ears picked up the faint muffle of a deep voice coming from downstairs.

Brian?

Stewie sat up immediately. Brian was already awake, too? Who was he talking to?

Suddenly, the infant's curiosity was peaked, and he found that sleep no longer seemed as tempting as it had been before. He looked over towards Rupert who was still sleeping beside him. Then, he carefully stood up and silently crawled out of his crib before stealthily making his way downstairs, following the sound of the dog's voice all the way into the kitchen where he found the canine sitting at the table talking on his cell phone. He looked quite...unkempt.

The toddler crept into the room, not quite ready to make his presence known as he listened intently to Brian's side of the conversation.

"Yes, I know that I called in last week, but there's nothing I can do here, Paddy. With Lois and the others gone…"

The dog stopped talking as if he had been interrupted. He sighed under his breath and gripped the bridge of his nose as if he was trying to suppress some kind of frustration.

"Ok. I'm sorry. Mr. Tanniger. Anyway, like I was saying, there's no one else here to take care of the baby, and by the time I find a sitter, I won't have time to make it into work for even half the day, if that. I would just really appreciate it if you could give me the next few days off, and I promise you that when I come back I'll make up the sales missed for those days and then some. Please. I really need you to work with me on this, Pad… I mean, Mr. Tanniger…"

Stewie rolled his eyes. Damn that boss of Brian's! Surely it was understandable that these were unusual circumstances.

Come on! Just cut stepdoggy a break, dammit!

There was silence for a long while. Stewie waited anxiously to see what would happen next. Brian was just sitting there stoically, unreadable, and despite being able to hear some sort of chatter coming over the other line as the dog's boss ranted and raved, Stewie was unable to make out a single word.

At last, though, after several minutes, Brian's expression lightened ever so slightly and he nodded his head.

"Yes, sir. I understand. Thank you, Paddy."

He went to hang up the phone, but stopped just short of ending the call.

"I mean Mr. Tanniger!"

It was after he made that correction that Brian finally hung up the phone. The dog sighed again and threw his head against the table, causing a loud thud to reverberate through the room. The child winced. Surely, that had hurt.

He thought that now might be a good time to speak up in order to make his official entrance, but before he could get his words out, the dog's head shot up and he began dialing the phone again.

The boy decided to hold his tongue and wait just a little while longer to see what Brian was up to now. He listened as the phone rang and rang...and rang. Brian began tapping his fingers against the table and muttering to himself.

"Come on. Come on. Lois, answer the damn phone. Talk to me. Come on. Dammit!"

Brian slammed his fist against the table, but then quickly composed himself as he began speaking again with an almost manic smile.

"Heeeey there, Lois. I was just trying to see how you and Meg were doing. Find Chris yet? Me and Stewie are doing pretty good. It kind of…"

The canine chuckled half-heartedly.

"You know, it kind of took me by surprise when I found out that the little guy wasn't going to be able to go to preschool for the next few days. Had to call my boss and ask for some more time off, but that's fine! Stewie's just a little cutie and no trouble at all!"

The dog had been slowly raising his voice, but he seemed to have realized this as he brought the volume down for the next sentence.

"I'm just concerned about the rest of you. Would really appreciate you getting back to me soon so I know what to expect… So, yeah, you, uh, you just give me a call whenever."

He cleared his throat before seeming to force out the last few words.

"I… I l-love you, honey. Take care."

And that was it. The dog hung up the phone, and Stewie decided he had heard enough. Plus, he was kind of reeling from having heard Brian call him a "cutie", so he wasn't sure just how much longer he was going to succeed at standing there silently. So, he fought to suppress the blush on his cheeks and finally spoke up.

"Up already?"

The canine practically fell out of the chair as he simultaneously jumped and spun around to face the sneaky toddler. Luckily, he was able to grab the table to stop his fall.

"St-Stewie? What the hell?!"

The child, who had momentarily begun sprinting toward the canine out of concern that he may actually fall out of the chair and onto the floor, came to a halt and offered up nothing more than a tilt of his head.

"What do you mean 'what the hell'?"

The dog took a moment to steady himself before reaching up to rub at his temple, groaning.

"I mean, what the hell are you doing up so early? Shouldn't you still be in bed?"

The infant scoffed and folded his arms over his chest.

"Yeah. Actually. I should. Maybe you should have thought about that before you started talking so loud on your goddamn cell phone. It's a wonder I wasn't awakened earlier with all the noise you were making!"

It was a lie. Stewie knew that. Brian hadn't been that loud, but the boy felt like he needed some kind of excuse for bothering to come down here so early and no other explanation was really suitable.

Brian didn't say anything for a while. He just continued to massage his temple, gritting his teeth as if he were in some kind of pain. It didn't take Stewie long at all to figure out what was wrong. He groaned in unison with the dog as he shot him a scolding look.

"Oh, my god! You're hungover again, aren't you!?"

The dog winced and flinched away from the shouting infant, shutting his eyes tightly.

"Ahhhh! Jesus, Stewie! Keep it down will ya? It was bad enough that I had to fight through this damn headache while I was on the phone with Paddy!"

The child's expression softened ever so slightly. He hated seeing his stepdoggy in pain. Still, it was stepdoggy's own damn fault for abusing the drink, so even if it hurt him to see Brian hurting, he found that he could only muster up so much sympathy. So, he remained there standing with his arms folded as he shook his head.

"Why do you do this to yourself, Brian? Is it really all that worth it? I mean, look at you, you're a mess! Do you actually enjoy feeling this way?"

The dog opened his eyes and met the child's briefly before immediately turning his head away and sighing sadly.

"Th-This isn't the feeling that I like. It's what comes before…"

There was a beat, and then, the animal shook his head violently before hopping down from the chair.

"I've just got a lot on my mind, kid. It's fine. I'm handling it. Forget what I said."

The infant knew he wouldn't just be able to forget. He simply cared too much, now, but he figured that, at least for the time being, he could drop the matter. Maybe that was the right move here. Maybe what would be best for Brian right now would be to just get on with his day.

So, with that thought, the boy dropped his arms and offered up a small, barely noticeable smile.

"I guess I'll go get the aspirin."

---

Stewie really was trying his hardest to keep his cool for Brian's sake. The poor dog already had enough on his plate, and frankly, he looked like hell. The child really didn't want to add to the stress of the severely hungover canine, but he found it was becoming harder and harder to keep on with these attempts at cheering up his friend when that blasted animal insisted on trying to call his mother every twenty minutes.

"Come on, Lois. Pick up the phone…"

Stewie sat slumped on the couch, lazily flipping through channels. The goal had been to bring Brian in here so they could find something to watch together and hopefully get Brian's mind off his troubles. Unfortunately, his dumb stepdoggy was just too stubborn. The infant sighed loudly, intentionally trying to get the dog's attention. He succeeded.

Brian turned to shoot him an annoyed look.

"Could you keep it down, kid? I'm trying to hear if she picks up."

The boy's palm rose up to meet his face.

"Ugh! Trying to hear if she picks up? Brian, you've been trying to call that hussy for hours now. What makes you think this will be any different? I think she's got the message. She'll call you if she feels like it."

The sound of Lois's nasally, intolerable voice began screeching out of the phone. Stewie had heard it enough times today to know that it was his mother's voicemail.

Brian growled and slammed his phone shut.

"You shouldn't call your mother a hussy. That's disrespectful."

The boy snorted at this. How adorable.

"I'm just saying that you're wasting your time. And, you know I'm right. So, why don't you forget about that hussy for a while and try and relax with me. It just might do you some good."

Brian gazed over at the baby sternly, obviously expressing his displeasure at hearing Stewie say that word immediately after he said not to.

Stewie just shrugged.

"What, you gonna punish me?"

He giggled before speaking mockingly.

"Oh, boy! I'd like to see you try!"

I...really...would, though…

The dog continued to stare at him for a minute longer before allowing his head to drop.

"What-Whatever, Stewie."

He turned and sunk down in the couch next to the child.

"Mind passing the remote?"

Stewie nodded and handed the item to the dog.

"Good luck. I must have gone through every channel we have almost five times. There's not a damn thing on."

Brian offered up nothing more than a low hum as a response as he raised up the remote and began mindlessly scanning through channels.

---

The child sat there bored out of his mind. This had not gone how he had planned AT ALL. His goal had been to take Brian's mind off of his problems so the two of them could move on to doing other things. He had not counted on sitting there in the living room with a depressed, messy, moody-looking Brian for essentially the whole day. But, that's what had happened. Aside from a brief break to grab some lunch, the dog had just sat there well into the evening watching a bunch of mindless nonsense. That was bad enough, but what really irked the boy was how it seemed like this whole exercise hadn't even gotten Brian's thoughts off of Lois and the situation with Chris or his job and his duties as a stepparent. No, if anything, the canine was simply using the TV as a distraction to keep from having to talk about it, since any time Stewie would try and strike up some friendly conversation between them, Brian would only answer with barely audible grunts or nods of his head like some kind of neanderthalic cave-dog! If anything could get him to stop viewing his stepdoggy as some desirable sex object, this was it.

Stewie groaned.

"Brian, how much longer are we going to sit here? It's basically almost dinner time. Do you really think this is healthy?"

The dog laughed darkly, prompting Stewie to actually sit up straight and pay attention since this was the first unique response he'd heard from Brian in hours.

"But, you were so insistent that sitting here would do me some good! I'm sure it'll start working any second now."

Stewie huffed and turned his whole body towards the dog.

"Oh, don't be such a bitch. You know damn well this isn't what I was talking about. I was just trying to get you to enjoy yourself for a minute. Excuse me for trying to get you out of your funk!"

There was a long pause, and then, the TV was shut off. Brian tossed the remote over to the other side of the couch and, then, rubbed at his eyes before turning to look at Stewie for the first time since lunch. There was an odd mixture of emotions in the dog's eyes. Stewie couldn't make them all out, but one thing he definitely saw was sadness.

It hurt Stewie to see that.

"You know, sometimes I really don't get you, Stewie."

The dog sighed.

"It's like there's no way to know what to expect from you from day to day. You can be the most disrespectful little deviant, at times, but then…"

He paused as if contemplating his next words.

"There are times when you...are, like, actually decent and...caring to some degree, a degree I never would have expected from you only a few months ago. And, then, there are times when your behavior is just straight up baffling, and I can't make heads or tails of what's going through your head."

He stopped again.

Stewie waited to see where Brian was going with this. His heart had actually sped up a fair bit as this seemed to be getting a little more personal than he was comfortable with, nevermind how quickly this had all escalated. However, he maintained an air of calm and then finally replied when it seemed like the canine was struggling with what to say next.

"Ok… And, this is relevant why?"

Brian turned to look away, eyes seeming to land on the blank screen of the television.

"I guess it's just a little disorienting in a way?"

He laughed dryly and then turned to look at Stewie once more.

"It's like I never know exactly how to approach you. As for right now, I guess what it comes down to is despite me being in a bad mood and wanting to be mad at you for the way you were behaving earlier... Because that's what a good parent would do, right? Disapprove of a disrespectful attitude from their child?"

Stewie winced at the idea of being considered Brian's child but didn't dwell on it too long because he genuinely was curious as to where Brian was going with this.

"I can't really find it in me to stay mad, right now, or to even do anything significant about it no matter how much I think I probably should. I just don't have it in me... I guess that kind of makes me a bad stepparent, but I'm really just sort of grateful for the company, right now, I guess? Grateful that someone actually seems to give a shit about what's going on with me."

Stewie noticed Brian's lip quivering ever so slightly, but the dog didn't break, just continued on speaking.

"So, I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks… And, I appreciate you, you know, caring."

The pounding in Stewie's chest was so intense, right now. He and Brian were actually having a moment! What now, though? Did they hug or something? Stewie wasn't sure how to proceed in a way that wouldn't destroy this fragile atmosphere that had just been created. The dog wasn't done speaking, though. The next sentence came out in a whisper, and it seemed like the canine was talking more to himself than to Stewie but the words still caught the infant off guard.

"I honestly kind of regret that I'm in this role of stepparent with you."

The child's eyes went wide, and oh lord, did it take almost all the willpower he had not to jump Brian right then and there. Luckily for him, the dog then proceeded to get up from the couch, officially ending their little moment.

"I'm going to go order a pizza. Any preferences?"

It took a moment for Stewie to come back down to reality, and when he finally did, he simply shook his head and muttered out,

"No. I'm not picky."

Brian nodded and then walked into the kitchen, leaving Stewie to sit there dumbstruck but in pure unadulterated elation. The infant giggled and smiled, kicking his legs giddily before falling backwards onto the couch.

He appreciates me!

He felt a little silly. It wasn't like what Brian had just said really meant anything, at least not in the way Stewie so desperately wanted it to, but it had still warmed the child's heart to almost dangerous levels. So, silly or not, Stewie was going to take a second and just bask in the warm fuzzies his crush's words had awakened in him. He was appreciated. Brian didn't want to view him as a son. On the surface, that wasn't a particularly huge deal, probably, but at least for right now, those facts were enough for this particular lovesick young man.

The baby closed his eyes and hummed happily, allowing the alternative scenario to what had just happened to play in his head. The one where he had given into his impulses to embrace the canine and kiss him fully on the lips.

...And where Brian had kissed back.

---

The rest of the night was spent with T.V. and pizza. Nothing all that interesting really occurred. Brian still seemed pretty upset, though he did appear to be trying to at least hide that fact, now. Stewie could see that he was trying to keep in good spirits, and Stewie knew that the slight shift in attitude was all due to him. It made his heart soar to know that he could have such an effect on his stepdoggy.

So, it was with this thought in mind that Stewie went to bed, determined that he and Brian were going to have a good time tomorrow, one way or another. He didn't even know what they were going to do, but he felt he had good reason to believe that tomorrow was going to be a great day for them. It excited him, making it incredibly difficult for him to get to sleep, so once again, the infant didn't slip off into slumber until well into the night.

Luckily, he didn't awaken as early as the day prior.

The boy's eyes fluttered open, and he sighed happily, feeling well-rested and refreshed.

"Morning."

The infant jumped slightly as he turned his head to see Brian just standing there...watching him. Odd… Though, not entirely unwelcome. The baby suppressed a chuckle as he inquired through a yawn.

"Uhhhh. Ok. Creepy. You just like to watch all the cute boys sleep?"

Brian shook his head, though the slight smile on his face was obvious.

"I was actually just about to get you up. It's just past ten, kiddo."

Stewie sat up and gave a great big stretch before standing up and climbing out of his crib.

"Just past ten? Ah. So, the morning isn't completely gone yet. Splendid."

The baby smiled up at the dog briefly before turning to go grab some clothes for the day. He heard Brian following after him.

"Wow… You seem to be in a pretty good mood today."

Stewie watched as Brian took over the task of retrieving his clothes. Normally, he'd let the canine know just how unnecessary that was but not today. Today was going to be all about making that dog smile. His stepdoggy needed that, and if nobody else was going to bother, Stewie was more than happy to step in. After all, that's what you did for the ones you loved...right?

So, the infant simply nodded his head enthusiastically.

"Oh, but I am! I feel all refreshed and alert and ready to take on the day!"

Brian chuckled a little dryly as he set Stewie's outfit for the day on the ground.

"Well, at least one of us is."

The boy's smile fell but only slightly.

"You're not hungover again are you?"

The canine seemed to pause briefly as he considered his answer.

"No… Not this time."

Stewie tilted his head curiously.

"Stay up late?"

Brian shook his.

"No. I actually got to sleep not too long after I took you to bed."

The child shrugged, choosing to not let his mind linger on the last part of that sentence.

"Well, then, you should be fine, right?"

The dog just stared at the boy for a second before sighing.

"It's kind of hard to be fine, right now, Stewie. Lois still hasn't called me, so I have no idea if the family is ok, and beyond that, I still don't know how upset she is with me. I still can't go to work today, and every day I take off only adds to the mounting stress."

His head fell, and he made tight fists with his paws.

"Look, I know what you're trying to do, but…"

The child could see that his stepdoggy was beginning to spiral. That just wouldn't do. Not today.

"We should get out of the house today!"

Brian's head shot up. He looked a little perturbed at having been interrupted while in the middle of his monologue, but all he offered up was a slightly confused sounding, "W-What?"

Stewie continued, satisfied that he had successfully distracted Brian, if only for the time being.

"I don't believe I stuttered, Brian. We've been cooped up in this house for days. It can't be mentally healthy, especially with all that you're going through."

Suddenly, in that moment, the boy reached out and took one of Brian's paws in both of his own hands. He didn't even notice what he was doing until he had made the grab. He froze, trying to keep his composure as he contemplated letting go. But, wouldn't that just be even more suspicious?

Oh, screw it.

He settled on continuing with the contact as he finished what he was going to say.

"Y-You just need to forget about Lois. You need to just take a day and not think about her or your job or your responsibilities. Just one day. It's not like you can really do anything about any of that right now, r-right?"

The boy laughed a little manically. He wasn't sure if Brian noticed. The dog's gaze was just locked on the paw he was holding…

"Let's just go d-do something. Take a load off, you know? It'll be good...for both of us."

Stewie dropped the canine's paw, then, and he watched as the dog continued to look at the area where their hands had just been before looking up with a small smile that made the young man's heart melt into a puddle.

"What did you have in mind?"

---

"Ohhhhh, this'll be so much fun!"

The dog and baby pair passed through the entryway to Super Splash City, the local water park in Quahog.

Stewie was honestly surprised that the dog had agreed to take him here. He was surprised in himself for having suggested it, as well. When he had settled on him and Brian getting out of the house for the day, he really had no idea what they would even be doing. So, after Brian had asked him what he had in mind, it had honestly taken him a bit aback. He hadn't been sure what to say, and this had led him to scan their local phone book for attraction sites. When he had pointed out that they could go to the water park, it had initially been mostly in jest. But, then Brian had pointed out how the park was going to be closing for the year and how entry rates were now at a discount and… Well, here they were, decked out in their swimwear. Stewie was wearing some simple teal swim shorts, and funny enough, Brian had on a pair of blue ones, a fact that earned much more amusement from the boy than was probably warranted. It was just funny to him, though.

Because Brian was a dog. What did he need those for?

Oh, well. What did it hurt? He did look cute in them, after all…

"Wow, this place is pretty much dead," Brian observed, looking around at the sparsely populated pool area. Aside from a lifeguard and an attendant manning each waterslide, the only other people around were a father and son duo in the pool, and a rather large woman sunning herself on her towel.

"Indeed," Stewie agreed. "No wonder it's discount day. Not closing a moment too soon, are they?"

"Well, at least we won't have to be packed in there like a bunch of sardines in a cesspool," said Brian, gesturing out at the chlorine blue waters.

"Don't you drink out of the toilet?" Stewie snickered, to which his stepdoggy scoffed and replied,

"Only sometimes. Anyway, let's get these towels set up somewhere and then I'll help you get your water wings on."

"Oh, I don't have to stay in the baby section the whole time, do I?" whined Stewie, his voice dripping derision. "C'mon, where's the fun in that? If I just wanted to take a bath, I could've stayed home."

"Uhhh, seeing as how you are a baby," said Brian, plunking down their pool bag and starting to take out their towels, "and having a massive intellect has nothing to do with how good a swimmer you are, let's just play it safe, huh?"
Stewie grumbled under his breath. He wasn't sure why he was being difficult. Just if they were going to be two buddies, on an equal standing, out having a blast on a beautiful day, he didn't relish the idea of floating in place and ineffectually flapping his wings while Brian lazed about poolside.

"Well...maybe you could teach me how to doggy paddle." Stewie wasn't sure if he jested or not. The father and son, actually, seemed to be involved in sort of a swim lesson. The kid, maybe four or five, was hanging onto the side of the pool while the father treaded water behind him, holding onto the son's legs and apparently showing him how to kick correctly.

Then again, thinking about himself and Brian in those positions brought the heat to Stewie's cheeks, so maybe such a scenario was best avoided.

"Tell you what…" Brian had laid out the towels, now, and was rummaging in the bag for something else. The dog's paws withdrew, one clasping the handles of two splash rackets and the other a small, waterproof ball. "You have to stay in the shallow end with your water wings, but I'll get in with you and we'll play a game. How's that sound?"

A few minutes later, they were over in the shallowest end of the kiddie pool, because no sooner had they paddled out to the 3 ft. marker than Brian started freaking out.

"Wait...wait. Stewie! No, I don't think this is gonna work. I can't touch the bottom!"

Stewie had quirked an eyebrow at the dog in bemusement.

"Er, so? You can swim."

"Yeah, but, like, I can swim like this…" Brian then demonstrated a very canine doggy paddle. "If I have to do that constantly, I can't exactly do anything with the other kind of paddle, can I?"

Other kinds of paddles… Stewie thought dreamily, but then managed to bring his mind to heel and keep it from wandering into dangerous waters.

So, they were over in the 1 ft. section, with Stewie floating and Brian actually standing on the little steps located just under the surface of the water, used to descend into the pool.

"Alright, dog, you'd better ready yourself, because Stewie is going to smash you!" Stewie warned, ready to deliver a vicious serve.

He sent the ball Brian's way, and the mutt promptly caught the thing...in his mouth.

Stewie simultaneously giggled and rolled his eyes. "Well, maybe the use of your hands wasn't required after all. Let's see what you got." The kid readied his paddle.

It warmed the tyke's heart to see Brian actually make an effort at goofing off, and that silly mutt honestly made an attempt to spit the ball across the pool at him. He fell far short, of course, but that didn't seem to bother the dog. As the ball began to drift slowly away, Brian swam forward on his belly to grab it, and Stewie caught an absolutely adorable glimpse of the canine's tail wagging back and forth.

"Okay, but how about a real effort this time, Rover," Stewie taunted good-naturedly, and swatted his racket playfully through the air, already giddy over this game they hadn't even started yet.

Time seemed to fly by. After a certain point, they weren't even keeping score. The truth was, they weren't doing the best job, what with Brian unwilling to leave his steps and Stewie's water wings occasionally forcing him to float a little off-course. Well, to be totally accurate, Stewie had stopped caring about the score awhile ago, while Brian insisted that he'd been keeping track and that he had a significant lead.

"But in the grander scheme of things," Stewie retorted, swinging the ball back to him, "how much of a lead can you really claim as yours when you've swallowed that much pool water from that germ-soaked disease ball? I suppose we can always try to sterilize that mouth afterward by soaking the ball in some gin. I'm sure you'd enjoy that."

Brian narrowed his eyes at the baby and for a moment, Stewie wasn't sure if he'd really pushed a button with the dog, after his recent nights sitting up, drinking in despair. But then it appeared that it was all an act, as Brian suddenly grinned broadly.

"That's the best idea you've had all day." And he floated forward to capture the ball in his mouth again. He lifted his face out of the water and shook the water out of his eyes. "So, uh, how's...life?"

Stewie's water wings allowed him to move correctly, for once, and he caught the ball in his racket. "How's life? Really? Don't have any better conversational openers than that?"

The dog shrugged. "Hey, it's, you know, a nice thing to ask. It's common courtesy."

"Which explains why such a common mutt is asking. No, but I jest. Really, though, Brian, how do you think my life is going? You're there for most of it. And the parts that you're not there for… Well, do you really want me to explain the schematics of all my latest inventions or something? What are you going to get out of that?"

"It's just…" Brian scooped the ball up out of the water with his paw this time, when he failed to get it with his paddle. "It's just...you mentioned something awhile back." The canine's tone had turned more serious, more concerned. "A problem you said that you had? You said you'd tell me more about it when the time was right, and since we're, you know, out here having a good time and all, I was wondering...if this was the right time."

Stewie momentarily froze. "That's...that's…" He floundered for words.

"Are you, like, still handling it? I've been trying to honor your request, Stewie." Brian reached back and scratched the back of his neck with the paddle. "You asked me to leave it to you, and even though that felt, l-like, you know, kind of irresponsible of me, really, when I'm technically your stepfather… Even though I felt that way, I wanted to respect your wishes."

"W-w-well, of course I'm handling it," Stewie said quickly. "I'm handling it. I am. I'm han- What makes you think I haven't already handled it?"

With a casual shrug that was at odds with the suddenly intense way Brian was looking at him, the canine explained, "It's kind of hard to say. You've been acting more like yourself, but it's almost like...you've been...acting more like yourself, you know?"

"Acting? As in, faking?" Stewie squirmed a little under Brian's scrutiny. "I...I don't know what you're talking about, man." He chuckled, and hoped it didn't come out too nervous-sounding. He lobbed the ball back at Brian when the dog hit it his way. "You, you know what I think? I think you've just been under, like, a ton of stress, and you're distracted, and you're not really at the top of your game right now, not that anyone could blame you. So you're seeing things that aren't there. B-b-because I...I'll tell you what else I think, which is that I haven't been aware of acting any differently, and that's the truth."

His racket reached for the next ball and missed.

Brian was silent for a few long moments. When he spoke again, he only had this to say:

"Well. I'm here whenever you need me."

Stewie was pretty sure his heart skipped several beats after hearing that, but luckily, Brian didn't goad him into saying anything either too sappy or too snide by dwelling on the subject for any longer.

"So how long do you want to keep this splash paddle game up for, kid? Was there anything else you wanted to do here at the water park? C'mon, last chance this season!"

Stewie tapped the top of his racket gently against his chin. "Now that you mention it, we have been whacking this ball around for awhile, and it is growing a bit stale. But it's a water park. There isn't much to do other than, you know, frolic in the water. I don't think I'm up to swimming laps yet, which basically leaves…" The baby had a look about his surroundings, taking in the features of the practically-deserted park. Suddenly, he found himself unable to look away from the biggest feature there was.

"That!" he breathlessly exclaimed, pointing at the behemoth and feeling his thirst for adrenaline rear its head.

He was pointing at the biggest slide in the water park.

Brian first gaped, and then groaned.

"Yeah, uh, I don't think you're quite ready for that, Stewie," the canine stated, deadpan but firm. "Let's be serious. I think there's a splash pad on the other side of the locker rooms. Why don't we try that out?"

"Because that sounds boooooring, and that slide looks so super rad!" The toddler cried out plaintively. "C'mon, Brian, you know I can handle myself!"

"Stewie," said Brian sternly, "Look at you. And then, look at that sign over there." The dog pointed. "You have to be that tall to ride, and you're not even half that height. You might not be a quarter of that height. And the lifeguards have nothing better to do today than watch you. You're not sneaking past them unnoticed."

Stewie cocked his head to one side and looked at the canine hopefully. "Does that mean you have no problem with me riding…" He squinted at the hokey name of the slide. "...The Tube-O-Tacular?"

Brian, in return, squinted at Stewie skeptically. "Well, I wouldn't say no problem, Stewie, but I know you've put yourself in more dangerous situations than this, and- "

"And you're okay with that? My, oh my, stepdoggy, what would your redheaded wench have to say about that?"

The dog seemed to visually struggle with what to argue about first. "S-S-Stewie! C'mon, we've talked about calling your mother names- "

"Hmm, and as far as I'm concerned, that was rather a toned-down one…" hummed Stewie carelessly.

"And the point isn't that I'm okay with you putting yourself in potentially harmful situations, it's that at the end of the day, we're talking about a slide, when I've seen you- "

"Exactly!" cried Stewie, and began an enthusiastic but woefully awkward attempt to paddle himself over to the dog so they could get out of that pool. "It's just a slide, and the employees here are just moronic meth heads and vacuous Vicodin-poppers, so it shouldn't take too much to outsmart them. Now, help me carry out my plan or so help me god, I'll drag you into the toy shed and hit you with a Fun Noodle."

Soon they were strolling around the side of the large pool, their feet making wet little slaps against the concrete. Brian had asked just what the plan was supposed to be, to which Stewie replied that the dog just had to distract the lifeguard, that was all.

They passed behind the entrance to the park, where there was a ticket booth and a turnstile to get in. Stewie noticed Brian do a head-turn when a pair of women pushed through that turnstile- a pair of young, giggling women with- the baby supposed- curves in all the right places.

"Hey!" the child hissed, "Eyes front! The lifeguard is supposed to get distracted, not you!"

Brian's head snapped back around and the dog's eyes found Stewie's as the canine somehow managed to blush through his fur. "I- I wasn't checking them out! I was just, like, looking around! Appreciating the atmosphere, you know."

Stewie shrugged. "You don't have to defend yourself to me." (Although maybe slightly, on some level, it felt like he should have to…) The baby watched the girls walk over to the pool area and spread out their towels. "Just be glad your dream woman of a wife is out of town and didn't catch you ogling a couple of younger models."

"You know I'm anything but happy she's out of town," Brian said with a frown. "And there's...there's really no harm in looking, you know. Everybody does it. You'll understand when you're older."

All Stewie understood, rather depressingly, taking one more backward glance at those girls, was that they were what Brian liked. That's what the dog found attractive- long, shiny hair and legs for days, big breasts and pert butts. Well, Stewie might have one of those qualities, but that likely wasn't quite enough, was it?

However, he was busy at the moment, and today wasn't about either one of them angsting, so he'd ruminate over his completely hopeless love for Brian some other time.

They were drawing close to the Tube-O-Tacular.

"Distract him," Brian murmured, eyeing the man standing at the base of the stairs used to go up to the slide. "Isn't he supposed to be at the top so he can see how far down each person gets before he sends the next one after them?"

"Well, like you said, not many people here today," said Stewie. "But I suppose you could take it as a sign that he thinks nothing of shirking job responsibilities, in which case your part in this just got a little easier."

"I might not even have to distract him," Brian noted.

Somewhere between a teenager and a thirty year old, the man was loudly popping and smacking a wad of gum, occasionally pulling on the pink ropes of the gum and stretching them out in front of his face, staring at it, seemingly enraptured.

Stewie rolled his eyes. "Alright, you're on," he said in a stage whisper, and gave his stepdoggy a little shove forward.

Brian, bless his little canine, partner-in-crime heart, looked only a little bewildered before shuffling up until he was directly in front of the guy.

"Uh, hi. Thin, uh, thin crowd today, huh? Not, not much to do." Brian leaned casually against the railing of the stairs.

"Nope," muttered the guy and cracked his gum loudly. "Boring. As. Balls." He did a weird little maneuver where he threw his head back enough to bump his sunglasses up onto his forehead, only to have them fall back down again. "Boring as balls!" he proclaimed louder, and laughed.

Stewie stood off to the side and watched the interaction with disdainful bemusement.

Brian chuckled awkwardly. "Yeah...as balls. So...it's a good, uh, it's a nice day out, huh? Perfect way to go out on a high note, huh?"

"You wanna get high?" the guy asked, evidently misunderstanding, and shoved a hand into his shorts pocket.

"What? Um, no, um, not right now… I was just making conversation, dude. I'm here with my, my step- with my friend. But he's, like, more into the whole water park thing than me, you know."

"Oh," said the ne'er-do-well lifeguard, and stopped rifling around in his shorts pocket. "Yeah, man. It's boring as balls around here."

Stewie rolled his eyes so hard he was surprised it wasn't audible. He and Brian exchanged a covert glance of shared derision, and it made Stewie's heart flutter a little bit.

These. These are the moments I live for.

He crept forward until he was standing behind the stairs up to the slide.

"Well, then," said Brian with a forced chuckle and a shrug. "I bet you're happy this place is closing tomorrow."

"Not really," said the lifeguard, shaking his head. "Then I'll have nothing to do but hang out with my roommate. And he's even more boring. All he does is work, you know? That's, like, not what life's about. Life's about freeing your mind, but, like, most people don't understand that." He gave a sniff that was much more patrician than he'd probably ever want to be.

"Yeah, I heard a lot of that back in my Brown days," Brian observed.

"Like, dude! I get it! Like, you wanna spend all your time working so you can pay 70% of the rent and act like you're better than me, go for it!" He stuck out his tongue and made a fart sound while pinwheeling an arm in a haphazard gesture of brushing off the shackles of responsible rent-paying.

"Riiiight," said Brian through gritted teeth. "I, uh, I hear ya."

Stewie planted one foot on a step, then pulled up his other foot. He looked up at the rest of the tall height he had to climb, and slowly began to make his way up.

"Yo, man, where'd I set my Red Bull?" the guy wondered out loud, and began to cast about glances for his toxic energy drink. Before he could turn fully around, however, and possibly catch sight of Stewie, Brian darted between the man and the ladder and grabbed a can that had been placed on the ground.

"Here ya go!"

"Thanks, bruh," said the lifeguard. "It's best when it's kinda warm." And he took a long sip. When he came up for air, it was clear that he was choking.

"Yesss!" hissed Stewie under his breath in victory and pumped his fist.

Unfortunately, the choking fit was neither fatal nor longlasting. He eventually quieted down and explained in a raspy voice,

"The Red Bull made me swallow my gum, dude!"

He then fully chucked his can of Red Bull into the pool, which Stewie was fairly certain was against employee protocol.

Hmmm, maybe we didn't even have to distract this jackass. At the very most, perhaps we should have just pretended that I'm a little person or something.

"Yeah," said Brian in a deadpan voice, just barely audible now the higher up Stewie climbed. "That Red Bull's deadly. Have you ever considered that, like, maybe the way it gives you wings is by killing you? Because then you'd be an angel? Theoretically."

"Whoa," muttered the lifeguard guy. "That's deep."

Stewie was then just able to make out the lifeguard saying, "Well, it's been real, bruh, but I need to go get my clipboard from the top of the Tool-O-Rama or whatever. It says when I get a break."

Stewie froze mid-climb, and Brian loudly exclaimed,

"Um, wait! Uh, first… Lemme, lemme just...ask you something?"

"Nah, I'm not gay, man," the lifeguard replied.

"What?! No! No! I wasn't going to ask you out! I just… I-I-I wrote a song! Yeah, that's it! For the final day that the water park's open!"

Stewie snickered.

A song? Seriously, Brian? Oh, my stars, well, this ought to be good! ...Also, lifeguard douche thought you were gay! Ha!

Brian began to slowly sing a song to a very familiar tune, his baritone rising up loudly, if slightly shakily, over the whole pool area. Stewie looked back down over his shoulder and saw that his stepdoggy was shuffling his feet awkwardly side to side in an approximation of a dance while he sang,

"A-a-and so, the end is near

Y-yes it's true, the park is closing

Lifeguard, I'm sad to say

Even though, the park's so boring"

"As balls!" cried out the lifeguard, taking off his sunglasses and toasting the canine with them in lieu of the drink can he'd carelessly discarded.

"And yet it was once so full

With screaming kids, peeing in the pool

And, lazy parents, too

Just not tooooodaaaay!"

Stewie had climbed all of the steps by now and was sitting on the platform on top of the slide. He paused before going down, however. He peered down over the edge and caught sight of Brian evidently becoming slightly more comfortable with his performance, still doing that lame, dare Stewie say, "dad dance", but with less self-consciousness than he'd been doing before. Stewie smirked to himself and decided to let stepdoggy finish his song.

"Chills and thrills, there've been a few

But then again, it's par for the course

Bikini tops, that slid right off

I saw them all, without exception

We planned each water park trip

Knowing fat guys would clog the big slides

But, they're not around

At least not tooooooooo-daaaaaaaaay!"

Brian held out his notes and made a flourish with his arm that indicated a big finish as the scant number of water park dwellers could be heard to applaud. Stewie figured now was a safe time to go down the slide without missing any of that charismatic mutt's performance, so without further ado, he flung himself forward down the slide and felt himself being whisked away down its many twists and turns.

His cry of, "Whoooo-hoooo!" drowned out Brian's smattering of applause while on the way, and then he landed in the pool, making quite a splash for his size and punctuating Brian's big show nicely.

---

The dog's Prius pulled up into the driveway as the pair of smiling friends finally arrived home. All in all, there hadn't been a ton to do at the water park. Stewie had ended up sneaking onto a few more slides, and Brian's various performances, which had served as very efficient distractions, had made him the hit of the joint for the day. It had been a pretty fun day, capped off by a nice relaxing lounge in the pool, the two of them just floating next to each other and chit-chatting. Stewie thought that might have been his favorite part, so calm and...intimate.

Now, they were just sitting in the car on the towel-covered seats, basking in the passing light of day, the scent of the chlorine from the water still wafting through the air as strongly as when they left the water park. After a minute or two, Brian killed the engine and moved over to unbuckle Stewie. The child felt the dog's paw brush against his thigh, causing him to shiver slightly. He didn't flinch away, though. That was good, he thought. That was progress.

"Alright. Ready to head inside?"

Stewie redirected his gaze over to Brian, whose voice had snapped him out of his reverie.

"Uh, yeah."

He chuckled.

"Not planning to sit in this car all evening."

With that said, he hopped out of the car. Brian soon followed, taking a second to gather their towels before heading for the front door with Stewie close behind. Once inside, Brian tossed the infant his towel and pointed towards the stairs.

"Go finish drying off and get changed I'm going to…"

The dog stopped and lifted up his arm, taking a quick whiff before chuckling through a grimace.

"Heh. Yeah. I'm gonna hit the shower. Got that wet dog smell going on. I guess that chlorine can only mask so much, huh?"

The canine laughed again and reached down to ruffle the boy's hair before heading for the stairs. Stewie just sort of stood there for a second, watching his stepdoggy ascend the steps until he was out of sight. It was only then that he finally started to make his way towards the bathroom.

It didn't take the tyke long to get himself completely dried off and then, eventually, changed into his blue sleeper. He decided to forgo the diaper tonight, deciding it was simply more trouble than it was worth. Wasn't like Brian was going to find out or anything… He finished buttoning himself in and then proceeded out of his room, intent on heading back downstairs to wait for the dog, but as he stepped into the hallway, the sound of running water caught his attention.

He stopped and turned his attention towards Brian and Lois's room, remembering that his stepdoggy had come up here in order to shower. An image of Brian standing there with the warm water from the showerhead cascading over his furry body flashed into the infant's mind, and suddenly, that was all the kid could focus on. He gulped and walked up to the locked door, listening to the water as his mind continued trying to picture the wondrous sight that this damn door must be hiding away from him.

Brian. Bathing.

Of course, it wasn't like Brian was really in any kind of extra state of undress or anything, but there was still something pleasant and sexual about just the concept. At least, that's what Stewie thought. He was just so absolutely mad for that damn mutt. He rested his forehead against the door and sighed as he realized just how badly he wanted to be there in that shower with his dog.

"It's...not going to be like this forever...is it?"

The question came out in a hushed whisper. It was a thought that honestly scared the boy a little. He was just getting to a place where these emotions he felt towards Brian were finally starting to feel normal, but...that didn't make them hurt any less. How long would he have to deal with that?

He turned, now leaning his back against the door before sliding down to have a seat in front of it. His eyes closed. He knew he should just go downstairs and try and forget this, but this fantasy that was developing was so completely intoxicating. Maybe he could indulge himself...just for a little while, at least.

He focused in on the sound of the water again, picturing Brian, and then, eventually, picturing himself walking into the bathroom…

The child entered the bathroom and quietly shut the door behind him, trying to suppress the little giggle that was determined to bubble up from his throat. He just couldn't help himself. This opportunity that had been presented to him was just too delicious, too tempting. He quickly shed his clothing, watching the silhouette of the dog behind the shower curtain as he disrobed, feeling himself becoming more aroused by the second. He wasn't entirely sure how Brian was going to react, but this still felt absolutely right in a way he didn't entirely understand.

This was crazy, right?

Right. It most certainly was, but he was also crazy in love and he just couldn't take it anymore. He had to do something, so it was with this resolve that the infant stealthily pulled back the curtain just enough to sneak into the tub. The water on the floor of the tub was nice and warm and relaxing. The infant sighed happily at the sensation before directing his gaze toward the very reason he had come in here in the first place.

The dog was currently rubbing shampoo into his fur, so Stewie decided to sit back for a second and let the canine get all the suds rinsed out before he made his presence known. In the meantime, he found he was able to occupy himself quite nicely by focusing his attention on the dog's cute ass with the adorable little tail. He moaned and reached down to rub at his groin. He was already completely stiff, but that was no surprise to him.

Oh, the things this dog did to his body without even knowing…

Brian was finished, now. Stewie saw his chance. He casually walked up behind the canine and then wrapped his arms around that hunky animal's waist.

Brian jumped, yelping a little bit in shock at the sudden, unexpected contact.

Stewie laughed and gave the dog an affectionate squeeze.

"Stewie?" the dog said sounding incredibly confused. "What are you doing back there, kiddo?"

The child grimaced and shook his head.

"Don't call me that."

He began petting at the dog's stomach in a way that he hoped was taken as sensual.

"It's demeaning."

He felt the canine go a little stiff against him, and he took that to mean his intent on being there must be coming across pretty clearly.

"Y-You should…"

The animal's words were coming out strained as he tried to pull himself together enough to speak. Stewie found it incredibly cute.

Brian cleared his throat and placed his paw over Stewie's hand, which had started to wander lower and lower.

"You should go. I don't know what's gotten into you, but this is...this is wrong."

The boy huffed and shook off the canine's paw. Brian made no move to put distance between them. Stewie knew this meant something.

"Frankly, Brian, I don't really think you want me to go."

He began petting at the fur again, moving his hand ever lower. The dog's breath hitched, basically confirming the baby's assumption. He laughed a little sinisterly and leaned up as far as he could to whisper in the animal's ear.

"In fact, I think you actually like what I'm doing. I think you want me to keep going."

He chuckled again and tightened his grip on the dog.

"You certainly aren't fighting enough to prove otherwise."

He could hear the canine's breathing become more and more sporadic as his hand drew closer and closer towards its destination.

"St-Stewie...please."

It was a desperate plea, but Stewie wasn't about to show mercy, now. He had Brian right where he wanted him, and there was no way in hell that he was letting go. He kissed the dog's back gently.

"You're so irresistible when you're desperate."

And, then, reached down to wrap his hand around the erection that the dog was now shamefully sporting.

Brian gasped and leaned forward, bracing his paws against the front of the shower as the water poured over him and down his back onto Stewie.

"Holy shit!"

The infant had to keep himself from bursting out into laughter, something that surely would have ruined the moment. He couldn't help but find Brian's response to just this simple touch hilarious, though. Was it really this easy? Jesus, he should have done this a long time ago…

He began stroking the shaft, taking in the pathetic little whines and whimpers emitting from the canine as he just stood there and continued to allow this sinful act to continue.

"St-Ste-Stewie…"

The dog could barely speak through his panting breath.

"St-Stop."

The baby shook his head once again, and stated his response bluntly.

"No."

He then gave the dog a teasing squeeze before proceeding to pick up speed. The infant sighed happily and leaned in closer, resting the side of his head against the animal's back as he continued to jack him off.

"Tell me, Brian, has Lois ever done anything like this for you?"

The shower cut off abruptly.

Stewie's eyes shot open as he was pulled out of his intense, erotic fantasy. He was sitting there on the floor, clutching himself through his sleeper. The boy hit the back of his head against the door and cursed in frustration.

"Dammit! I was so close, too!"

His heart was beating rapidly. What he had just imagined taking place had been so unlike his other fantasies. Up until this point, he had basically always imagined himself and Brian as various characters in romantic scenarios, and on top of that, it had always been Brian who had made the first move. This time, though… This time it had been much more...real. The way he had taken such strong initiative in his fantasy was honestly a little shocking, not because he couldn't see himself being that bold, necessarily. No, that wasn't it. It had actually felt like the most natural thing in the world to take control like that. Maybe it was just that realization alone the infant was finding so surprising. He didn't know. The fact of the matter was that there was just too much to process, at the moment.

From his side of the door, he heard the bathroom door beyond Brian and Lois's bedroom opening. He sighed.

"Dammit…"

He knew he had to move, now. Brian would be walking out of there at any moment. He stood up, grimacing slightly at the uncomfortable sensation of his stiffy rubbing against the fabric of his clothes. He groaned. Why had he gone and gotten himself worked up into such a state? Now, he had to go downstairs and try and act normally around Brian. Hopefully, his little "problem" wouldn't stick around for too long.

Not wanting to waste any more time, Stewie began toddling off towards the stairs. Regretting his actions more and more with each unpleasant step.

---

"Goodnight, Stewie."

The boy looked at the silhouette of his stepdoggy standing in the doorway smiling at him. He offered a small smile back.

"Goodnight, Brian."

And with that, the dog shut the door, leaving the room in mostly pitch blackness, the only source of light now being the streetlamp outside that was shining faintly through the curtain-drawn window.

The child lay there, finding that he wasn't tired in the slightest. Though, this really wasn't unusual, by now. It had sort of become the trend over the past several days. In this case, though, there were some very particular things on his mind. The past twelve hours or so had been a bit of a roller coaster. Overall, today had been one of the most pleasant he'd had in a while. He smiled as he thought about how much fun he and Brian had had together. It was borderline perfect, in his opinion. There was simply no denying that he and Brian just...clicked in a really special way…

And, that was both an uplifting and depressing thought.

It was uplifting because Stewie did want that connection with Brian, now. He wanted it more than anything, no matter how much he had tried to convince himself otherwise in the past, how hard he had fought against that simple, basic truth. And, well, honestly they'd had that connection for a good while, now, but today… Today seemed to confirm something major to him, and that was that the chemistry between him and Brian ran deep, much deeper than he probably could have ever anticipated. And, he felt like what he and Brian had was something that would only continue to strengthen with time. The evidence was certainly there, after all. It was almost hard to believe just how different things were now to only a few months ago. They were...best friends… Right? That's what he was now? Brian's best friend? His best friend in spite of also being his...stepson?

The infant shuddered at that last thought but refused to dwell on it.

How amazing was that, though?

The baby sighed and rolled over onto his side. Rupert was on the other side of the crib already asleep.

Somehow, he had managed to overcome that conflict of interest and become something vital to the dog. But… It just didn't feel like enough. Because their relationship was, indeed, growing stronger over time, and for Stewie, that meant...his feelings were growing stronger, as well. Those two things were correlated inextricably, which meant that… Things were only going to get so much harder, weren't they?

Stewie knew the answer to that question, and it terrified him. He felt like he had done good keeping up appearances so far, but how much longer could he really expect to keep his feelings hidden when they grew stronger by the day? The hour? The minute? ...The second?

The child groaned and returned to his position on his back. Nothing felt comfortable, right now, and his mind was just buzzing with thoughts that he could only just barely process.

That fantasy he'd had…

It was amazing that he'd managed to keep his cool in front of Brian for the rest of the night, after that. It certainly hadn't been easy. Kind of a shame to cap off such an otherwise perfect day with so much stress. Such was his life now, though, just filled with ups and downs, no longer able to focus on much else except for that goddamn, wonderful dog of his.

He sighed again, though there was a smile on his lips, now.

How in the world could something be so simultaneously fantastic and terrible?

---

"Who is Catherine de' Medici."

The dog's mouth had opened in a vain attempt to answer, but he quickly shut it once Stewie beat him to the punch...again. Stewie chuckled and then turned his attention back to the game show he and the dog were currently watching, waiting for his answer to be confirmed...again.

"Who is Marie?" the contestant answered, unsure.

"No." the host informed bluntly.

There was a pause as the other contestants were given an opportunity to try and answer. A second later the buzzer sounded, indicating their time was up.

"Who is Catherine Medici." the host confirmed.

The child turned his head to smile smugly at the animal sitting next to him.

The dog just rolled his eyes, obviously trying to not let Stewie's gloating get to him.

"How in the world do you know all this stuff, kid?"

The infant scoffed at the question.

"Uh, hello? Genius."

He pointed at his big noggin.

Brian just shook his head.

"Oh, yeah. Of course."

He then proceeded to mutter under his breath.

"Still doesn't mean you should know everything…"

Stewie caught the comment, but decided not to make anything of it. Brian was just being a poor sport, after all. But, seriously, he should have known what he was getting into when he said something about making a competition out of what they were watching.

The next question was asked. Stewie answered before the host had even finished reading it.

"What is white."

The contestant gave the same answer. He was right.

Brian threw his hands in the air.

"Oh, come on! Why in the world would he even know that one!"

Stewie just shrugged.

"Must I really state the obvious once more?"

The canine reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose as if in exasperation...but Stewie could see clearly that his stepdoggy was actually trying to hide a smile.

The boy nudged at the dog playfully with his elbow.

"You know, we can stop whenever you want. All you have to do is admit your defeat to my superior intellect."

He snickered at the forced glare that Brian shot his way after that comment.

"Oh, you would just love that wouldn't you."

A "sarcastic" laugh of amusement sounded from the dog.

"You have a better chance of going back to preschool tomorrow."

He sighed.

"Seriously, what is going on over there? How long does it take to find someone who is qualified to handle a bunch of preschoolers?"

Stewie tilted his head at this, not sure whether to take offense or not at Brian's apparent disappointment that a suitable replacement for his preschool class had yet to be found.

"Well, jeez, thanks. You know, if you wanted me gone, I could have just stayed upstairs and hung out with Rupert."

Brian's eyes shot wide open and he began shaking his head vigorously while waving his hands in front of himself in a defensive motion.

"N-No! I don't want you gone!"

He stopped waving his arms and froze.

Stewie was similarly stricken, completely caught off guard by the dog's sudden, desperate outburst.

There was just silence between them for several moments. Stewie just stared at Brian, boring his eyes into the dog's as he tried to make out the canine's current expression. There was a vulnerability there that Stewie wasn't sure he'd ever seen before from Brian. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Stewie had seen something similar that day Lois had basically left Brian at the altar. God, how could he ever forget that day… This, in particular, was new, though. It was exciting to the child due to the implications it might hold, Brian wanting so desperately for him to stay.

Along with all of this, though, there was also shock behind those eyes. Had Brian surprised himself with his own reaction to what was honestly mostly just a teasing comment? (Even if Stewie was trying to weed out any possible negative feelings Brian may have been harboring toward him after their last few days spent together.) Well, Stewie certainly didn't have to worry about that, anymore.

They continued to remain quiet until the pressure must have finally gotten to Brian. He turned his head away and coughed into his fist awkwardly. Stewie knew he was hoping they could just move on, but…

"I-I'm not going anywhere."

The dog simply nodded his head and smiled slightly before saying, "What is a fair weather friend."

Stewie's eyes blinked in confusion before he remembered what they had been doing earlier. He redirected his attention to the television just in time to see Brian's answer confirmed. The infant chuckled.

"Well, I guess you were bound to get one, eventually."

Brian gave him a gentle punch in the arm, and the day proceeded on.

---

"I don't care

if you believe it.

That's the kind of house

I live in.

And I hope

We never leave it."

The dog closed the book and set it on the little plastic table in the baby's room.

"Alright. That's it. I think it's late enough, now."

The child, who was currently sitting in the canine's lap simply shrugged.

"Not exactly his best work, but hey, even the greats had their off days, even someone with such a brilliant philosophical mind as Dr. Seuss."

The boy hummed thoughtfully.

"The Sneetches was still much more engaging and thought provoking."

Brian nodded his head and stood up from the plastic chair he had been sitting in with Stewie. He carried the sleeper-clad tyke over to his crib, lowering the bars before setting the infant down on the mattress. The dog tucked the baby in, and then, raised the bars back up.

"Goodnight, Stewie."

Stewie smiled at the canine.

"Goodnight, Brian."

The dog smiled back, and then, proceeded to just stand there. He looked to be thinking about something. Stewie just kept looking at him curiously. After a minute, though, the child felt compelled to speak up.

"Uhhh, Brian?"

The canine jolted, blinking his eyes like he had just been pulled out of deep thought.

"Oh!"

He chuckled awkwardly and reached up to scratch behind his neck.

Stewie tilted his head at him.

"You, uh… You thinking about something there?"

The dog chuckled again, shaking his head.

"Ye-Yeah. I'm thinking...about something."

They looked at each other once more. Stewie inquired further.

"Is it… Is it something you want to talk about?"

Brian shook his head again.

"No, kid. It's alright."

He kissed two of his furry digits and then reached through the bars to touch them to Stewie's cheek.

"It's a good something."

Stewie shuddered, his mind racing as it began to process all the possibilities that made sense when pairing the dog's actions to that statement.

Is he...is he talking about me?

Whether or not Stewie would have asked that question out loud, he didn't get the chance, since, in the next moment, Brian had turned on his heels and made his way out of the room, shutting off the light and closing the door as he exited.

So, Stewie was left to just lie there lost in his thoughts. Such was the trend nowadays…

He so desperately wanted to know what the dog had just been thinking about. It had to be about him! Brian had been looking right at him, and he had said that it was something good. And, well...as far as Stewie knew, stepdoggy unfortunately didn't exactly have much good going on at the moment...

Despite that, though, these past couple of days had been really nice! Brian had been in a much better mood when compared to only a few days prior, and Stewie knew that was because of him.

Maybe Brian actually realized that?

Maybe he was beginning to see how special their bond was, even if it wasn't exactly in the way that Stewie felt about it?

Stewie wanted to believe that this was the case, and if it was anyone else, he would have no issue just going up to them and asking for the answers to these questions directly. But...things were just never that easy when it came to Brian, not anymore.

The infant yawned and rolled over onto his side. He really needed to get his rest tonight. All this staying up late wasn't doing him any good, and it wasn't like him lying here thinking about all the questions he had was going to bring him any closer to the answers he wanted, anyway. Besides, he was honestly just excited to wake up to the next day. Another day with just him and Brian…

He closed his eyes and sighed happily, eager to see what tomorrow would bring for him and the dog of his dreams.

---

It brought him a rude awakening with Brian uttering a string of swears while lying on the floor.

The daylight slightly burning his sleepy eyes, Stewie blinked in confusion and propped himself up on an elbow in bed.

"Brian?" he muttered groggily and yawned.
"Oh, good, you're up," the canine responded, turning toward him but making no move to get up off the floor. He then shifted his gaze downward and glared at a mess of building blocks. "Why were all these left out on the floor?"

"Um, I just didn't get around to putting them back?" Stewie slowly sat up in bed while rubbing the crust out of his eyes. He dropped his hands back down to his sides and regarded Brian warily. "They've been like that for the past two days and you never said anything…" The child had somewhat of a bad feeling in his gut. Not like a really ominous feeling of portent, like people who claimed that they knew that a really bad car crash was coming, or a killer shark was about to attack, but a niggling sense of aversion to Brian's attitude. The dog didn't seem to be in a very good mood, judging by his cranky tone of voice.

"Did you step on one?" asked the baby, and winced in sympathy.

"No, but they did trip me," said Brian, finally climbing to his feet. "I came in here to make sure your room was all straightened- "

"And you forgot to look where you were going. Roger that, Rover." Stewie grabbed out of the bars of his crib and catapulted over in one fluid movement, landing nimbly on his feet. "What time is it?"

"Already ten in the morning, so it's high time you were up," Brian replied, with his paws actually on his hips.

With his goddamn paws actually on his goddamn hips.

Oh, no…

The niggling sensation in Stewie's gut changed into a sinking feeling.

"Brian, what gives? What are- what are you doing? Why are you going all Ward Cleaver on me?"

Brian looked at him in slight surprise. There was a long pause, during which they held eye contact, and Stewie thought he glimpsed the same sadness and stress in the dog's eyes that had been there every time Brian had forgotten to have fun with him during this time they'd been spending alone together in the house.

So Brian was feeling depressed and overwhelmed again. Well, once more, Stewie would snap him out of it.

But for the moment, he wouldn't be snapping anyone out of anything. Not while he was getting snapped at.

All at once, Brian turned away.

"Did you know that your little table over there is a mess? You've got papers and crayons all over it- "

"Yeah," said Stewie sardonically, cutting across him crisply. "Because that's where I draw."

"Well, anyway, that's not the most important thing right now," said Brian, walking up to him. "Come on. Let's get you dressed. I need your help with something. We got a big day ahead of us."

The infant cocked his head at the dog.

Let's get me dressed? Let's get you out of stepdoggy mode.

"Really? What have we got planned for the day? A trip to the ice cream parlor? Or maybe the park? We could have a picnic, or even- we could throw a Frisbee around!" Stewie was already warming to his task, starting to become genuinely enthused by these suggestions that would hopefully cheer Brian up. "Because, really, Brian, I think the most important thing is making sure you don't lose yourself again in feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities. I- "

"Actually, Stewie, right now, I kinda need to take care of my responsibilities." Brian didn't speak harshly to him this time, but his voice was still markedly humorless. "Lois just called me about a half hour ago. She and the others were just about to catch a plane home." He suddenly grinned broadly. "She's got Chris with her! He's doing great! Well, I mean, I think he's a little sad to leave his- well, to leave the girl he likes, but other than that… Isn't it great that he's coming home, safe and sound?"

Actually, it would've been nicer if they'd all caught some kind of third world virus and perished… Stewie thought hatefully. Out loud, though, all he said was,

"Yea-ah. That really is great, Brian. You could've mentioned that first, you know."

The dog had the good grace to actually look a little embarrassed. He even pulled on his collar uncomfortably. "Oh. Heh. Heh. Yeah, I guess I was just too excited, I forgot to tell you at first but of course you would want to know that your big brother's coming home."

God, you're so fucking fake. Fake at being a good stepfather, his harridan housewife probably even thinks he's fake at being a good husband- and she knows phony…

And...and you're even fake at being a good friend.

'It's truly a miracle," Stewie responded flatly. "Now I'll finally be able to sleep at night. Oh, wait…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You just woke up. But listen. I need your help with the laundry. You can sort those colors for me. Whadaya say, huh? We should get started right away, because there's other stuff that needs done around the house. I want Lois to come home to a spotless house."

Stewie just shook his head, but felt either too groggy or too defeated to fight with Brian about slaving away over housework. So, he turned and padded on over to the changing table, hopping on up to the little stool that stood in front of it, and from there, on up to the table itself. He sat on the edge and swung his legs back and forth sadly, not looking at the dog. Only now, avoiding eye contact with Brian while on the changing table wasn't because the tyke was turning it into a sexually-charged event in his own head.

Not with the cock blocker coming home.

---

"I think things are really going to be different when Lois gets home, Stewie," Brian said with what seemed like at least semi-forced enthusiasm as he watched Stewie sit in a heap of clothes discarded on the floor and sort through a basket of more laundry.

Stewie just hummed, not understanding what Brian could be getting at. The baby knew things would be different now that his hag of a mother was coming home, but Brian almost certainly wasn't fixated on how having that vile woman around again was going to impact their friendship for the worse.

"I mean, we can all learn something from this, right?" said Brian with a chuckle.

"Not me," Stewie argued. "I'd outgrown any lessons this household could've taught me by the time I was born. Except how not to wind up in white trash suburban ennui, that is."

Brian blinked at him, seeming to debate within himself whether or not to scold Stewie for this statement. He opted for a critical look instead, but Stewie simply rolled his eyes, far from chastened.

"Well, I've, uh, I've learned how better to talk to Chris. That I need to be careful that he doesn't take things a little too literally…"

"Oh, you had to learn that he needs things explained to him in simple terms? Hmm. Well done you," Stewie muttered, and picking up a clothespin that happened to be laying on the floor, used it to poke at a pair of Chris's underwear distastefully. He crinkled his nose as he pinched the clothespin around the offensive lump of foulness and moved it into another basket containing whites- or what passed for them in the Griffin household.

"And now," said Brian, choosing to let Stewie's snide remarks slip by yet again, "Lois and I have had our first fight, so it's good to get that out of the way." His tone of voice had altered somewhat, making it sound like he was almost musing to himself.

Stewie snorted so hard that he vowed never to do it again, lest any snot he had in his nose shoot straight back into his genius brain and blow a hole clean through it.

"That. Was far. From your guys' first fight."

Brian gave him another look of displeasure, but this one was more straight-on, and more...almost...disappointed? Like he was let down that Stewie wouldn't let him have his delusions.

"First major fight, then." The canine's expression softened. "You know, when, when your mom and I have a disagreement, kiddo, you don't have to worry. Just because people have an argument doesn't mean there's a big problem."

I loathe you, you stupid dog. You're trying to condescend to me about this? To me? I just recently learned what love is, and I already understand it better than you! You stupid, stupid dog. I loathe you so much. I...I love you… And I loathe that I love you.

"Oh, you don't have to tell me, dog," Stewie replied with seeming equanimity. "After all, we're at each other's throats all the time. It doesn't always mean something. Then again, sometimes it does. Sometimes it means I wanna hang you by your tail with a rusty nail right here in this basement."

Brian blinked and, amusingly enough, actually took a step backward. Stewie smirked at having rattled him. A silence fell for several moments.

"Anyway, th-thanks for doing your part in getting the house ready for your mom's homecoming, Stewie," the dog said after a bit. He cleared his throat. "Once she's back, I can return to work, and Lois can watch you all day instead of me. I'm sure you've been missing her." The sarcasm that dipped into the canine's voice was oddly reassuring, and when the kid looked up at him and they exchanged mildly combative glances, it felt like their typical old prickly rapport that Stewie so cherished.

"The preschool can't find a new teacher soon enough," the kid responded with a loud and beleaguered sigh. "And really, 'thank you'? That's the best you can do? This isn't my 'part', either, Brian. I'm a freaking infant! I mean, look at me!" The baby placed a kitchen towel around his head in an approximation of a head scarf and then daintily picked up two fistfuls of other laundry items and let them rain dramatically down around him. "I'm drowning in drudgery here, man, like some old Russian babushka with gnarled hands like old tree branches and permanent blisters from all da scrubbing," he tried his best to slip into a Russian accent. "Who just toils away with disgusting chores day and night and prays for her oppressed, gray, and joyless existence to be over. But of course those are always the people who live to be a hundred."

"Yeesh, you're dramatic," Brian chuckled. "You alright, there? Should I ring up Dr. Zhivago to come check on you?"

"He wasn't a shrink," Stewie responded, at last thinking better of his gag and pulling the dirty rag from off his head. "He wouldn't be able to help with the very understandable bad mood that I'm in because the ginger gorgon is returning to the family home."

"Yeah, alright, Stewie. Well, at least one person is very glad she's coming back, and to say I'm sorry for even making her go on this trip in the first place, I'm going to make sure this house looks as good as it's ever looked."

"Which won't be too hard," Stewie quipped, unable to let any opportunity to be insulting pass him by. He took to balling up articles of dirty laundry and hurling them into their appropriate baskets, but his stepdoggy was just ignoring his embittered behavior at this point.

"Well, if you've got this, I think I'll head upstairs. There's a ton of other stuff that needs cleaning." And that being said, Brian walked over to the bottom of the stairs, ready to make his way out of the basement and leave the laundry to Stewie's tiny hands and non-colorblind eyes.

"And hey, kid- " The dog stopped with his hand on the railing and looked over his shoulder. "I really do appreciate your help. Just, whenever you're done...meet me upstairs. Okay? Okay, cool." And Brian jogged up the stairs and out of view.

Stewie sat surrounded by his piles of laundry and gave a hefty sigh.

"Well, if today has taught me anything," he said aloud to himself, "it's that when I have an establishment of my own, the first order of business is going to be to build a device to sort laundry for me." The tyke stood and put his hands on his hips, eyeing up the piles of laundry disdainfully and wondering just how it had gotten to this point. His mother's uselessness was truly staggering.

"I guess it's taught me something else, too," Stewie continued, this time in a softer voice. "It's taught me that whatever sort of friendship that dog and I have, it doesn't have nearly as much influence over him as his baffling infatuation with that wretched woman does. As long as she's around, I can't get anything that I want from him. Unrequited love is bad enough, but sometimes...this feels like an unrequited friendship."

Wow, you are really close to sliding headfirst into a slump of depression if you keep up this way of thinking, his inner voice scolded. Your inner monologue is starting to sound as tiresomely absurd as Meg's melodramatic antics and attempted suicide stunts.

The child resolved to just go on with doing the laundry. It wasn't the most enjoyable thing in the world, but at least he had some peace and quiet down here, and keeping busy was always good at curtailing his mental machinations and neuroses from running too wild. Even if it was a hopeless menial task, it seemed. Besides, Brian would be happy once all the laundry was done. Although Stewie didn't exactly care about making that damned mutt happy right now, maybe there would be time later for stepdoggy to chill out and actually act like someone pleasant to be around for awhile longer before the goon squad came home.

"Goddamn it, Brian, why do you have to let her brainwash you so easily?" Stewie groused as he was finishing up the sorting. He decided just at the spur of the moment to move some pieces of laundry around and sort them incorrectly. Just a few. He decided that he could live with that. After all, there was no need to make Lois too happy, was there?"

He shoved the first basketful into the washer with some detergent, and then surveyed the room for something he could stand on to access the dials near the top of the machine. In the end, he had to settle for turning the laundry basket over, but it proved to give him enough height to reach what he needed to. After this was done, the baby paused and wondered if he should stay in the basement with the laundry in progress, or go upstairs until the buzzer went off.

As he was trying to make up his mind, his gaze fell on the old couch that had been the site of the, er, sight that had changed his life forever. God, it already seemed like ages ago. And as Stewie looked at the faded, worn-out old thing, he was drawn to it like a moth to flame, wondering if Brian spent much time down here in the basement… Not just doing that, but other things, as well.

Despite the dilapidated piece of furniture having served such an erotic thing, and despite Stewie having fantasized about getting his sexy on whilst lying on it, too, right now, in reality and in the light of day, he really didn't want to touch it at all. It really did look like it should be abandoned on a curb somewhere. However, as he looked about the space the couch was in, he observed that there were some boxes stacked around it, and that piqued his curiosity. He couldn't remember having ever looked into them before.

He struck gold- or silver, at least- with the first one he opened. It seemed to have a bunch of textbooks on top. The first one he picked up appeared to be...a college English textbook? From Brown? This was perplexing to say the least. Oh, well. The Griffin house had any number of perplexing items in it, most of which had served a part in his late fat ass father's many unfathomable schemes. How this would play a role, Stewie had no idea, but he also decided it wasn't worth it to speculate. He'd never actually held a university textbook in his hands before, and he decided to make the most of it.

"English Lit? Excellent," the baby observed, and took the book over to the upturned laundry basket, sat down, and started to read something about some fellow named Faust.

While he read, the washing machine, which he was leaning up against, started to rock about slightly. The child briefly wondered how bad of a sign this was, but when things otherwise continued on as normal for the next couple of minutes, he turned back to his reading and ignored it. Well...maybe not ignored it completely. The machine's rhythmic jostling vibrated not unpleasantly against his back, almost like a little massage. The baby hummed in contentment, wriggling back against the washer, and maybe even pushing out his bottom so it made further contact, too.

He read on for several pages while simply enjoying the vibrations. It was actually a rather pleasant way to kill time while waiting for the laundry to finish up.

I wonder if that raggabrash matriarch would spend more time down here doing her housework if she sat back against the washing machine with one of her dippy little flibbertigibbet ladies magazines and felt how...agreeable these sensations are.

As he paused to have that thought, the child raised his head and found himself suddenly gazing off in the direction of that grubby old couch, and once again, the memory of Brian on that couch floated back to him.

The way the machine stirred against his hiney began to have an insidious effect. He'd been sitting there, sinking into the sensations and enjoying their massaging effect, and now he felt rather...good, and relaxed, and...primed for thinking about other diverting sensations.

Once the boy realized what was happening, he squeezed his eyes shut in frustration and pinched at the bridge of his nose. He groaned, but a vision of stepdoggy jacking his doggy dick and bucking his hips into his paw danced before his closed eyelids.

Damnation! My libido has the worst timing…

Is it the worst timing, though?

Stewie pushed his buttocks further back against the unsteady rocking of the washing machine. He might have even grinded them against it as he felt a familiar tugging in his groin.

He was alone in the laundry room… Brian, that kiss-ass cur, was busy upstairs, trying to tidy up every square inch of the house that wasn't laundry that he couldn't sort. It would almost certainly be awhile before he saw hide or hair of that dog again…

Stewie opened his eyes and, this time, quite deliberately gazed at the couch. He allowed himself to remember everything he could about that night, including the dream he'd had after catching Brian in the act. Almost without realizing what he was doing, he hopped to his feet, his mind busy mulling over literal ass-kissing and what it would be like if the dog pulled off Stewie's overalls and… The tyke blushed and jumped up on top of the tipped-over laundry basket, and tentatively pressed his pelvis up against the washing machine.

"WHOOOOOAAA, NELLY!"

The boy's knees knocked together and he didn't stay like that for long. Even through the padding of his diaper, the sensation was...really fucking intense! He could hardly remain standing. God, he was horny as hell, though. Hadn't he just been reading peacefully five minutes ago? What the devil was happening to him?!

Well, this all escalated rather quickly…

Brian, whining and desperate and getting himself off on the manky old couch in the basement… So full of animal need that he Just. Couldn't. Take it anymore. Brian, in the dream, welcoming the boy into his arms, urging Stewie to put his little hand around stepdoggy's throbbing cock.

(Although, as Stewie looked back over his shoulder at the couch, he still couldn't return to a place where it was at all doable to visualize himself on it, so he mentally transported them to his room.)

Brian, in another dream, in that slick leather jacket, being such a bad boy, oh yes he was, oh yes he was…

Stewie climbed frantically on top of the washer, gripping onto the back of it for dear life as he laid on his side. He flopped and turned urgently like a fish floundering on dry land as he alternatively brought his ass and his crotch into full contact with the machine. He was glad that the rumbles of the washing machine covered up any sounds he might be making. (Mostly soft little whines or quiet grunts, but there was an uncontrollable surprised yelp of pleasure thrown in here and there.)

The child couldn't remember the last time he'd felt like this. Some might regard him as, by nature, an out-of-control child, but the truth was, the vast majority of the time, he was fully in command of his behavior. If it wasn't always nice or societally appropriate, or, well..legal, that was everybody else's problem. But now, he found himself totally embarrassed by what he was doing...and just as unable to stop himself.

He must look a sight. Stewie didn't suppose his desperate and graceless writhing around looked very attractive. If anyone were to see him...christ, he'd be mortified. What was he doing? He had such disdain for himself, at this moment.

And yet, somehow, that didn't stop him.

In fact, he wasn't even passively receiving the vibrations on his bulge anymore, but actually humping the sodding washing machine…

"I loathe myself," the baby moaned, his voice shaking slightly with the motion of the machine. This was a whole new level of humiliation. So hard-up that I can't help seeking my release from something as asexual and prosaic as this common household apparatus…

He was acting so whorish. Albeit...like an inexperienced one.

Rolling around like an untrained whore…

"Ahhhhh, I'm a disgrace!" the infant suddenly sang out, and then the buzzer was sounding, and his body went turgid, and pleasure swam through him with the relief of all his tension as he died a little death in embarrassment.

---

The rest of the day passed in a blur. It wasn't that it was much fun. Rather, Stewie suspected that time seemed to fly because he kept wishing for it to slow down so he and Brian could have a little more fun before the commandant crone returned to the house. Surely there would be some time in between washing clothes, scrubbing windows, and dusting furniture to just enjoy being friends before Brian had to go back to being stepdoggy first and foremost. However, that mangy mutt remained in a persistent mania throughout the day, cleaning like his life depended on it… Well, at least his love life. And maybe it did. Stewie sure as hell wasn't going to pretend that Brian and Lois's farcical relationship made any sense.

In fact, the only time Brian stopped being a work dog was during dinner, which was a hastily-eaten meal of Indian food that they got delivered. Stewie was technically supposed to continue helping out, but Stewie managed to argue his way into taking a less active role.

If he's going to start treating me like just a dumb baby again, then, I guess I shouldn't be breaking my perhaps not-fully-developed back doing housework all day. I should be, I don't know, chewing on my feet or something…

So Stewie didn't end up having to do all that many chores, and even when he was supposed to be tidying his room, he only humored the currently humorless mutt by putting away his blocks and then a couple of books he'd left setting out on his table.

"That's all he's getting out of me!" the baby informed Rupert, as he kicked back in the crib and vented to his bear. Brian came in shortly after to check on his progress and shot the kid a dirty look while mumbling frustrated things under his breath, but Stewie just continued to sit back and watch Brian play maid.

Yeah...that's right, stretch it out...that shelf's pretty high. Oh, no, you dropped the firetruck. Guess you'd better bend over and pick it up. We might be needing it… Whooo-eee, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

At the end of the night, Stewie had some hope that things were about to take a turn for the better when Brian agreed that they were done cleaning the house and could watch a movie on the couch together. They picked some dumb sci-fi abomination that they happened to find on T.V., but it did have the benefit of being unintentionally funny, and it gave Stewie the chance to gleefully point out all of the science that it got wrong.

Unfortunately, Brian, who'd worked himself ragged for THAT woman, fell sound asleep at about the movie's midpoint . Stewie, somewhat dejected, continued watching until the show's sad end, chuckling quietly to himself here and there, but all in all with a slightly heavy-hearted feeling as the impression of having been defeated sunk his mood and sunk him down into eventual sleep.

But...defeat isn't supposed to be mine… was his last coherent thought before the night ended for him on a low point.

---

The first thing he heard when he woke up was,

"Aaaaaaah! What the hell?!"

And then a paw kicked him in the back.

"My, what a sweet greeting."

That voice… That awful, awful nasally voice that I hoped never to hear again.

"Lois!" Brian cried, and Stewie sat up to see the dog flailing around to get into a seated position on the couch. "Wha- wha- ?"

"No, don't worry about it, Brian. I fully expected to have to take a cab home from the airport because you were still asleep at noon," came the withering response from the withered old witch.

Stewie rubbed at his aching lower back and glared at the new arrivals.

"I'm home, Brian!" screeched Chris, bounding forward with his arms raised as though making a truly triumphant return, rather than being a runaway who'd gotten dragged back home by his mommy.

You just couldn't go the distance, tubster, thought Stewie disdainfully. If I was able to make a home away from this abode of atrocities, I'd never come back.

"I sure did love Amsterdam!" Chris declared.

"What? Um, Chris? Weren't you in South America?" asked Brian in confusion, while he was still practically cowering in the corner of the couch, watching Lois with apprehension.

"All I know is there were a lot of pipes and titties!" Chris responded buoyantly.

"Well...great," said Brian, dumbfounded, his mouth hanging slightly open.

He must have uttered that before he could catch himself.

Lois sniffed loudly. "Oh, you think that's great?" She sighed, and dropped her suitcase on the floor. "I need some coffee. Irish style," she declared, and started walking toward the kitchen.

"I'm here, too!" said Meg cheerfully, popping out from behind Chris.

Brian looked straight past her and at Lois's retreating back.

"W-w-welcome home!" he offered weakly.

"Glad to be back," his sweet and loving wife replied, totally unconvincingly.

Stewie watched Brian's head droop. When the canine hopped off the sofa and followed Lois into the kitchen, the boy noticed that the canine's tail was droopy, too. Something stung in Stewie's heart.

He was then very nearly squashed when Chris hurled his porcine form onto the couch. The T.V. switched on and Stewie was left standing in the middle of the living room in a state of semi-shock. This had all happened so fast…

Meg, thick, expressionless, and useless, continued to stand near the door like a tree trunk stands in the yard when people have forgotten to have it removed.

Stewie strained his ears and could just barely hear that, in the kitchen, a conversation was going on between Brian and his ungrateful shrew. Stewie would bet all his Monopoly money that she wouldn't even notice or care that Brian had spent all the previous day slaving away to clean the house from top to bottom. It made the infant's blood boil.

He really does deserve this, though. He chose her over me yesterday, and so this is what he has to deal with today! The child tried to feel some satisfaction over this, but try as he might, it wasn't really forthcoming. All he could picture was the hangdog look Brian must have on his face right now. All he could see was the way Brian would be shuffling around all sad for the rest of the day.

Or worse, following at Lois's heels and trying even harder to simper and kowtow and kiss up to her. Oh, Brian...

Stewie sighed deeply and decided to head upstairs to his room. There was nothing down here for him right now. Just the return of the new normal, this life he wasn't ready to resume his role in today. It was exhausting, to contemplate how long it was going to go on for. Now that the others had returned, when would be the next time that he and Brian could really relax and be themselves? How often would Brian get to take a break from being a pathetic browbeaten husband? How often would he allow Stewie to be more than just some lame, snivelling little precocious brat he had to take care of?

God, he shouldn't have this much power over me…

Perhaps the most important question was, how long was Stewie going to be in love with his stepdoggy?

Another sigh as he crossed the threshold into his room before dejectedly shutting the door behind him.

Why couldn't you imbeciles have just stayed gone?