Chapter 11
I woke up the next morning to an exuberant fist pounding on a door that stood loosely on its hinges. The bed I was laying in was thinner and wider than my own and it was only after that realization that I expanded my awareness enough to catalogue the warm body resting beside and slightly underneath me. No matter how hard I struggled against the reaction my whole body flinched away from Levi, who lay awake, as he rolled his eyes. As I settled down a few inches away I felt my face heat up in shame.
"It wouldn't be you if you didn't do that," he told me, not sounding annoyed at all. "It was odd that you decided to lie like that while you were still awake in the first place." I ducked my head to hide further signs of embarrassment.
We lay like that for a few long seconds before another round of knocking and Levi nonchalantly shoved me to the far side of the bed before getting up and opening the door to his sister, Rose, who was wearing clothes she probably bought from the boys section and a beleaguered expression on her face.
"Mom said you and that weirdo were taking us to school." She went from incredibly happy to disdainful in half a sentence.
"You guys are ready then?" Levi just stood leaning against the door frame in as relaxed a pose as he seemed capable of.
"Of course. We have twenty minutes but none of us knew how long she would take," Sina called from the bathroom across the hall where the smell of hairspray seemed to be hovering in a little cloud.
I felt no small amount of animosity radiating from the two of them which dispelled as Levi looked back at me with a tilt of his head. "If it takes the Shitty Woman that long we'll just leave her outside 'til I get back." The girls giggled and I snorted in amusement as I crawled off the futon and slipped into the pants I wore yesterday.
"I'll shower later," I said passively. "It's not like I stink, you would have said so immediately, and I don't have my scalp soap with me. 'Course if that's not okay I could find my way to the hotel on my own. The subway can't be that confusing."
Levi just rolled his eyes and the girls huffed in annoyance. "You were going to prank her weren't you?" Their brother asked and I felt my eyebrows rise. The girls looked at each other nervously. "Let me guess, something to make her itch in the body wash and perhaps oil in the shampoo?"
Rose seemed more willing to admit their plans than Sina and told in great detail what they had planned for my shower. "We were going to run the water in the kitchen so it would get cold too," she finished with another impish grin that seemed to be her reflection of her brother's ever-present smirk.
"You need to do your research sometimes." I said plainly and both girls glared at me harshly but they also seemed interested so I went into light detail about dread maintenance and that I wouldn't use shampoo because of it. "Besides, it's rude to stop in with no notice and then use the shower in someone's house. It's fine for Levi since he is family but I am just some random chick, right?"
The sound of rusty gears came from two doors down and Maria rolled herself into the hallway. "That's a fine way to think if you came here with anyone besides our brother." She said with another smile. "Levi never brings anyone here so you have to be important."
Rose seemed to jump on the fact that I was so clueless about exactly how Levi felt about me and sneered, "Yeah he even said that you bring…"
"Rose!" Sina dashed from the bathroom and slapped a hand over her sister's mouth with a worried glance to her brother. "He said not to say anything," she hissed.
Levi glared at the thirteen year old for a few moments before his face relaxed. From what I could see the anger was real but the reaction was for show. He really didn't want me to know what he said yesterday but there was no way he would let anyone lay a finger on these girls, not even himself. The beauty of this family's bonds hit me then and before any could react I dashed out of the room, down the hall and to the unit's door. There were two chain locks and three dead bolts but before I could get more than the first bolt unlocked a strong hand with calloused fingers closed over my hand.
I vaguely registered that Levi's sisters were all heading down the hall and staring at me like I was ridiculous but Levi just pulled me close as I resisted his comfort. "Your family did something then?" His voice sounded harsh as he spoke the accusation and I realized that this was an angry Levi.
As tightly as he was holding me, hiding the tears that threatened to spill onto the shoulder of his shirt, I couldn't bring myself to say what happened. The anniversary of everything was coming up. The pain and feelings of hurt, betrayal, and disgust were too close at hand. I couldn't even nod my head so he knew his assumption was correct. I just stood frozen in front of the door to his family's home.
"We should get going soon," Levi sounded angry still but there was a hurt in his voice. I don't know if I was imagining it or if I was good at hearing the hidden meanings in his tone but to me I fucked up by not saying anything. Levi tilted my face from his shoulder to stare at my eyes and as I looked back in his I saw something unfathomable.
Levi was good at hiding his emotions but if you ever really wanted to know you could find it in the steel of his eyes. I had seen playfulness there and anger. Pain and happiness. But right now I could see something close to pain but it was different. I could be way off but it almost looked like he felt guilty.
Not for the first time since Christmas I thought on how toxic having feelings for Levi should be. He was a playboy by nature, he was volatile and rude. For a long time I thought negative things about Levi's character to try and brush aside the growing strength of my feelings but slowly things that I loved about him began to counterweigh the things that I tried to crowd my mind with. Things like: 'he is a playboy but he hasn't even tried anything with me because he sees me flinch,' or 'Levi acts rude to people he is comfortable with, anyone else he just ignores,' I might seem like a fangirl thinking these things but I truly believed these observations. In reality, Levi was very kind if he wanted to be kind to you. If he didn't he wasn't. The Levi most people knew would not run after a girl who was close to tears but the Levi I knew would if that girl was me.
Still holding me, Levi unlocked the door the rest of the way with practiced ease before throwing me over his shoulder as I squawked in protest. "Come on you three. Rose help Maria into the van. Sina make sure they buckle their seat belts; I am not getting tickets because of you little shits." All three girls rushed to do his bidding and had I not been facing the other way I am guessing I would have seen them salute or nod.
Levi clicked a button on a keychain and with a beep a rather old and beaten van unlocked. He opened the back door and shoved me in so that one of his sisters could sit up front. I just shrugged and tried to calm down. Three words kept swimming in my head though and it was making it hard to relax. This is family. Soon though, Maria was standing on one foot as Rose folded her chair and slid it to the very back of the van. The girls then hopped into the car, Rose first so she could help her sister. Sina climbed into the front seat after doing a seat belt check.
Levi drove slower than the speed limit on his way to the schools but i think that was because the van couldn't handle high speeds. The girls gabbed away with him and he showed cursory interest for their words. Fifteen minutes later we arrived at the schools in question which were right next to each other.
Rose crawled out past Maria and grabbed the chair with practiced ease before helping her sister out of the car and into the chair. Sina had crept out and was slowly heading towards the high school section with her head down when I got out of the very back of the van. She made it to the set of stairs leading to the door before a crew of older boys started following her. Half way up the stairs the boy in the lead grabbed at her.
I didn't even think about it, I didn't know if Levi noticed and I didn't know if Sina could fight. All I knew was that this was Levi's family and I wasn't going to let anything happen to her. Not something like being touched when she didn't want to be and her posture made it very clear that she was not willing in this case. I was storming away from the car past a bunch of kids who were mostly taller than me and up those stairs without thinking at all and grabbed the punk's wrist with a slight twist that ground his bones together painfully.
As he let out a cry of pain Sina whipped around, "Levi, don't worry…" but her eyes widened as she saw me standing there with the rest of this kid's crew circling me.
"Sorry." I had a shit eating grin on my face. "Is this boy your boyfriend?"
Sina looked terrified but shook her head reluctantly.
"Good, I won't feel so bad." I turned to look at the kid and had to look up. "She didn't want you touching her, punk ass. Guys these days…I swear."
The kid looked down at me before smirking. "Seems like you don't know your place, hag. Do you know who we are? What we can do to you?"
"Sorry, I am just a tourist from upstate so to be honest I could really care less who you are. As for what you can do to me; you can only do what I let you do." I looked over at Sina and sighed. "And regardless of how this little chit feels about me I can't let you do what you like to her. So, you either leave her alone from now on or I beat the shit out of you." I didn't know where all this was coming from. I knew martial arts and could probably handle this kid. I trained for multiple attackers so I could take them all on if they dog piled. In my head it just boiled down to the fact that she was related to Levi, though I could have just pointed all this out to the idiot and he might have done something it wasn't my first thought.
The kid swung at me and was immediately full of openings. I ducked his blow and slammed the heel of my hand into his solar plexus. As he fell the other kids in the circle decided to join in. In the end I didn't have a chance to see if I could take them all on because a sharp voice called out.
"Hey, what do you punk ass bitches think you're doing?" As Levi slowly walked up the stairs the kids all turned and then immediately threw their hands in the air. It was rather comical. With a sigh Levi climbed the rest of the way to us and brought a hand down to Sina's head to ruffle her hair. "Was this really necessary Sina?" He asked sounding proud and somewhat amused.
"Eh, I'll acknowledge her. She was about to fight them all at once though. You shouldn't have stopped the fight." Sina's smile was elegant but wicked and I felt myself shudder.
As my mouth gaped open Levi sighed. "Elegant Lady Sina of the Inner Guard. The Barricade, Middle Guard Rose. The Broken Outer Defense, Maria. Unlike me, my sisters bear Maman's maiden name; Wall. They are legends in their own right or did you really think I would leave my own blood defenseless without any knowledge of fighting? The group you were about to take on are Sina's own men. They are quite skilled so it is just as well that she sent the newbie after you first."
Rose bounded up the stairs with a big grin. "She's something else, coming to protect you, Sina. I guess she'll do, eh?"
With a sigh of my own I realized exactly how stupid I was falling in to this trap and threw my own hands in the air in surrender before crossing my arms with a huff. I was about to talk but a group of kids dressed in band tees and skinny jeans suddenly barreled through Sina's crew and crowded Levi excitedly.
"Hey, hey, whoa what the fuck?" Rose called out as the small group shoved past her.
"Wow, it's really you!" One kid cried in excitement.
"Holy shit! Levi of Sepia!" Another looked like she was about to cry.
As the commotion grew kids who knew Levi's legend as an Urban Warrior gathered around in confusion as kids who didn't know the violence but did know the music crowded around the vocalist like out of season locust. I was on the outskirts of the music fans when some tall wiry kid with acne turned and caught my eye.
"Guys!" He shouted really loud. "Look, look! It's the girl from the concert, the one who wrote Right Here!" And about half the crowd split from Levi to surround me.
"What was the song about?"
"How do you know Levi?"
"Did you know he was in Sepia?"
"What is your relationship?"
Thankfully the principal had been called by some honor student or other and he and a bunch of teachers came parading out of the school to break the party up. "Class is starting soon. Get to your classes."
The teachers continued to herd the students inside, one helped push Maria into the middle school entrance, but the Principal stood in front of Levi for a long minute. "Levi."" He acknowledged the younger man at length.
"Principal Shadis." Neither of them seemed overly thrilled to see each other.
"Please refrain from coming on school grounds. I thought I made that clear." Shadis spoke in monotone as if he was trying to hold back a large amount of rage. Levi didn't respond and instead gave a sardonic bow before walking past me and back down the stairs. I was still standing there when he reached the bottom of the stairs and tilted his head to look back at me.
"I mean, if you want to stand there all day," he looked amused again and I found my feet moving towards him easily. We got to the car and Levi started it up with a vicious twist of the ignition. "I really dislike that man."
I wasn't expecting him to say anything. Levi never was one to talk about what was on his mind but it seemed he didn't want me guessing when it came to that Shadis guy. I didn't want to appear nosey though and just nodded as Levi pulled his mother's beat up van onto the road. As we parked back in front of the projects after a long silent ride I decided to ask.
"Why," the question was simple only because I knew Levi would know what I was asking and who I was asking about.
We entered the house with the use of a key on Levi's keychain before he spoke. "Back then, with everything about the Titans going down, Erwin decided to recruit specific people from the public as spokespeople. They would speak on our behalf when everything was over in case the FBI who gave us the license to kill decided they would stab us in the back. Basically to say that we only did what was necessary, maintained order, yada yada yada. The Principal was one of those spokesmen."
Levi plopped down onto a couch in the living room and pulled me onto his lap before he continued. "He chickened out during a meeting we were holding, claimed that the Titans would kill everyone and that they would be handing body parts to the dead's family because that was all that was left. He said more children would end up like Maria. Before he could continue I knocked him out."
Before I could stop myself I asked, "Maria was hurt by the Titans, right?" Levi's grip on me tightened painfully but I didn't voice a complaint.
"I wasn't originally interested in the Legion. Erwin and I have known each other a long time but we didn't get along very well. Actually I was determined to kill him." I felt my eyes widen at that but chose not to sidetrack him. "It was summer and the girls were out enjoying the weather but Rose and Sina came back out of breath and in tears to tell me the Titans had snatched Maria. That was when I got my resolve to kill all the Titans. The Titans were comprised mostly of idiots that killed indiscriminately but there were some who we called Deviant Titans who seemed to be higher in rank. They followed the orders of Shifters; The Legion eventually recruited four of them. The Shifter Titans took orders from someone we called the Beast Titan.
"The Beast Titan liked to play games. I met him once…the day me and my squad killed him, and he told me that he hurt Maria to anger me, to make me want to kill his gang because it would be more fun that way. He played me and he did it by hurting my little sister. Killing him felt good. Too good. And this deed the Beast Titan did, Shadis used it to justify his own cowardice. He used her pain to create turmoil. More than that he reminded me every chance he got that I wasn't there to save her."
His arms loosened their hold on me a bit and I turned slightly to look at him. Telling him it wasn't his fault wouldn't work for this. After all he could have been out with them…if it was so dangerous he really had no business leaving them alone and I knew Levi knew that. So while it wasn't directly his fault he could have prevented it. "You made it right though. If I know anything about you at all you took his life slowly; you carved each sin from his flesh pound for pound, right?"
Levi let go of me and I wondered if he was expecting me to say something else. Before I could ask about those assumed words Levi shoved me off his lap and onto the couch and before I could feel any sorrow at it he was hovering over me as my back met with the other cushion. As always his face was calm and expressionless but his eyes still held answers. Confusion, hope, a small amount of fear.
"How are you still here?" Oh this again.
With a sigh I explained, "A clean freak like you will be the one to run away first." His eyes widened before falling back to their half opened state. There were so many words I could say to Levi some about the past, some about the now, but instead I just lay under him on his mother's couch with a small smile.
"So it's just a challenge to see who will leave to you?" He spoke flippantly but his eyes clouded for a moment as if it was something he feared.
"No." The word held a hint of finality but I explained it anyway. "I am for you. The past that you speak of is the past that made you who you are. If I denied you for that past I would be denying you for who you are. Because I care so much about you I also care about your past. Cheesy and overly romantic as that sounds it feels that way. I am not scared of you or of anything you have done because it's you."
It was a fairly dramatic confession but for the second time since I met him, Levi laughed. He lowered his face to mine as he calmed down and kissed my forehead. "You talk like we have known each other for ages but I only found out you existed a month ago. You take all this new information about me, that I am a murderer that I have caused so much pain in others, indirectly or otherwise, and you just equate it to me growing into myself? Where the hell have you been?" He dissolved into chuckles again but it was a soothing sound.
The last time I heard Levi laugh he sounded a little crazed but this was different. I really didn't know what he found so funny about it. The question he asked, still chuckling at something I couldn't figure out, seemed off topic to me. "Riley, do you believe in God or souls or any of that?"
I am sure the look I gave him was incredulous to say the least but I figured he was leading me somewhere through this so for now it was best to cooperate. "I do and I don't. I believe in some guiding force but I can't believe in religion. Not after Lindsey." He remained silent, perhaps knowing that I would go into detail without a push. "She was the friend I told you about that killed herself. She was a good person; she was kind, funny, and helpful. Someone like that can't be in Hell, but people who take their own life go to Hell right? The God I believe in would understand someone's actions because he could understand their reasons. As for souls, I like to think human kind is more than just energy coursing through a physical form so I do believe in that."
Levi smirked. "I figured one of us would. So, you being the cheesy romantic that you are, and considering you believe in souls… Do you think that the idea of 'Soul Mates' is possible?"
My immediate reaction was to deny it. There was no way that everyone alive had one person meant for them. There were too many unfair variables. The other person could die before they even met or they could never meet. Their soul mate could be married to someone and never be with the person they belonged to. But wouldn't that be a simple solution to explain the sudden intensity of my emotions for Levi? There had to be a better explanation than something as fanciful as Soul Mates.
"It's not impossible," I told him, "but it's not something I believe."
Levi's face fell just a bit. "I see. So how do you explain how perfect I find you to be and the rapid acceleration of your emotions towards me? We really haven't known each other that long. Not even a full month."
I puzzled it a moment. There was no answer to that; not that I could see. "Maybe I am just really clingy and codependent and you are actually delusional." It was a terrible joke.
Levi snorted before sitting up, his eyes trained on mine the whole time. "In my head the thought that you are eventually going to get sick of fucking around and leave repeats so often it is almost a constant thought. Everything else about me is trying to tell that thought that it can go fuck itself but it's not something simple, me being happy." Levi's rare bout of honesty fizzled out as he rolled his eyes. "Then again that could be psychosis."
Levi eyed me curiously for a moment before glancing to the door, "So do you want to see New York, tourist? We have to pick the terrors up at 3:15 but until then I can show you around."
There wasn't much contest against it until one thought stuck out. "Am I still supposed to be on my best behavior or have you decided on whether I can read your journals or not?"
"You would rather read old journals than explore a new city?" Levi looked floored for a few seconds before his face fell back to the standard stoic lines it usually adhered to.
"While exploring the New York City sounds fun I would much rather explore you." I gave him a cheeky grin as Levi's fingers twitched on the couch cushion.
"Watch how you say things, Shitty Woman. I won't be held accountable for my actions if you drive me to them so quit fucking around." Taking a deep breath, Levi continued. "If it means that much to you, you can read some now and we'll take back anything you like. You did rush to my little sister's defense after all."
I was off the couch and rushing to his room as the last words excited the still bewildered man's mouth and he was close behind. "They are in chronological order," Levi explained as he saw me dithering about which book I should read first so I grabbed the first three. Opening the first one I saw small but neat handwriting that read:
The songs here in are written by Levi Rivaille.
I glanced up and over my shoulder at where my boyfriend was reclining on the futon. I never knew his last name. When I said it out loud he just rolled his eyes and corrected my pronunciation.
"Are you going to read or are you going to fawn over my last name?" He asked me knowing full well the answer. Without a pause my eyes flicked back to the paper as I turned the page. Page after page held songs and sometimes even snippets of lyrics. Certain phrases stuck out like blood stains on a pure white tablecloth.
You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't want to feel a thing anymore.
Several pages later another set, this time from the end of a verse:
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Sometimes I feel like letting go
All I know is no one should have to be alone.
Time passed quickly as I read from several of the journals. Sometimes I felt like the words were smashed together by a clever mind that knew what would sell but there were sometimes whole books of songs that I felt were from the heart.
The last page of the third book held a song that just seemed to scream heart felt. I didn't know what the words alluded to or what caused Levi to write it but of all the things I had read so far it was the most beautiful. Gently nudging Levi I held the book in his face as he opened one eye.
"What about it?" He asked sounding annoyed.
"Would you mind singing it? I want to hear how it goes." He couldn't see my face but I figured that was for the best because my blush was embarrassing to even think about. Levi took the book from me and eyed the song thoughtfully.
"I always figured this one would have a lot of screaming," He admitted casually. "But I can try to hold back if you really want. I'm not fucking singing every song you find interesting though. Only one. So if this is the one you wanna hear fine."
I grinned like I was getting a pony or something and he rolled his eyes again. He seemed to be making it into a habit really. "You can scream it if you like," I hadn't actually watched Levi scream a song though I had heard him do it online. I found it fascinating so the thought that I could watch him wasn't unappealing.
Levi just muttered a comment that sounded suspiciously like 'God damn fangirl' before he sat up and took a long, deep breath Before letting a scream out that carried his words clearly but roughly.
Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
The one thing that I cannot give.
He skipped the next small section and went back to screaming instead.
I can give you freedom from your guilt,
With a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.
I can give you death with the look upon my face.
Levi took another breath and sang in a sad voice,
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
With no last kiss & no regrets;
You don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
With no last kiss & no good bye.
Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.
At that point he collapsed back onto the futon leaving the song unfinished. Before I could even ask he said simply, "The parts I left out are supposed to be performed by a girl. Well at least that's how it plays out in my head. It isn't a song Sepia can do anyway…we don't have a cellist and I refuse to play music in a way other than how I originally dreamed of it. Now go back to reading and wake me up around three would you?"
The books held feelings of sorrow and loneliness and the overwhelming desire to be found. The more I read the more I wanted to completely embrace Levi; not in some cheesy 'it will be alright' hug but just to be completely engulfed. He wouldn't be alone if I was there with him. He wouldn't have to feel loss or fear. But as I read it became more and more obvious to me that Levi wasn't someone who accepted others easily. He was too used to being left behind and being dropped and left alone.
In the books there were a few diary entries. Most had to do with the Titans and losing friends, or rather subordinates. There were some entries about Eren that were…graphic…and I really don't think I could look at the kid without thinking about Levi's complaints in regards to the brat's ass. But then on the inside of the back cover of the fifth book I read something that made my head snap back to Levi who was looking at me with one open eye like he was waiting for it.
It really doesn't faze me killing men who are fathers. They are still Titans. And how can being a father matter to me in regards to who I kill when my first murder was my own dad?
"I was wondering when you would get to that." Levi rose onto his elbow and gave me a very level look. "Are you going to ask?"
The first initial shock was wearing off and I felt my breathing slow down and my eyes relax. "Would you tell me if I did?" The words were calm and mellow. This was Levi. I didn't know what reason he would have but it would be a damn good one. If he said there was no reason it was because he wasn't going to tell me.
"It will sound like an excuse." His words were a prelude, a promise that there was no excuse for killing one's own parent and that he had no intention of making one up. "You might not have caught it but Ymir said at one point that my siblings and I all have different fathers. Each one walked off before their child was born but the day after Maria came home for the first time from the hospital a man who looked like a much older version of me with brown hair and green eyes broke in looking for Maman.
"I was seventeen at the time so Maman left me to take care of the babies while she went to get some food since we were running low. This man, he demanded to speak to Maman but as I kept explaining that she wasn't home Maria woke up and began to cry. Rose and Sina ran into the room and the guy became enraged. He started speaking in French about how Maman was a whore of a woman and that none of her children deserved to live. He pulled out a pistol and aimed it at Maria while Sina and Rose ducked behind the couch.
"I tackled the guy and we grappled. After a few minutes he pulled the trigger but I had forced the gun towards him. He shot himself below his jaw and the bullet lodged in his brain. Sina and Rose were traumatized and wouldn't enter the living room for a long time but slowly they forgot about it. Of course the police were called and I was processed but I was found innocent on grounds of self-defense. Everyone treated me like a hero for a while but it didn't change the facts." Levi gave a small shrug and pulled his cellphone out. "It's three so we need to get going."
I didn't have a moment to talk to him about it until we were on our way home from New York much later after a loud and exciting buffet dinner and a few heartfelt goodbyes. Levi's mother demanded at some point during dinner that I call her Maman and Rose, Sina and Maria took turns clinging to me as we got our plates of food. I'm not sure how much was an act on those three's parts but they seemed to be ok with me now.
Levi was pushing his sports car over one hundred miles per hour half way home when I sighed and said in a quiet but emphatic way, "I am glad you're alive Levi. Through everything you have experienced and even all the lives you have taken or been responsible for ending in any way…You are still alive. Thank you for letting me know you."
I felt like a terrible cheese ball and thought perhaps Levi would laugh again but instead he slowed down and gently pulled off to the side of the road. We sat in the artificially heated air in silence for a long time and I thought that maybe he was trying to think of what to say but Levi just gently took my hand in his and placed them both on the gear shift before he pulled back onto the empty interstate.
We got home hours later and Levi followed me right into my room for the night.
A/N: I am going to try to get into Riley's past next chapter so be prepared. As for this chapter I revealed something I wasn't sure I would put in yet, mainly about Levi's father, but I hope that's not terrible. And now for the list of songs:
This is in order of lyrics mentioned
King For A Day by Pierce the Veil ft. Kellin Quinn
Alone by Sleeping With Sirens ft. MGK
Short Stories With Tragic Endings by From Autumn to Ashes.
As always I highly recommend these songs to anyone looking for new music. A warning though: The first song and last song listed do have screaming so if that's not your cup of tea you might want to refrain.