Sorry for the late upload, back to school shopping :/
I hadn't realized it had been a week since the last chapter, feel free to remind if it happens again, thank you guest :P
I know you guys want the cross dressing chapter but this chapter had to come out first, so I've decided to do a...
DOUBLE UPLOAD!
Wooo, Thanks you all for the reviews, follows, and favorites! I'm so happy ;^; we are currently at 15 reviews, 15 favorites, and 37 follows!
So proud ;^;
Thanks for the suggestions, I will try to incorporate them into the story. As requested, Magnus will find out what Alec does in the chapter after the next one. ALSO, while I would love to pick a day for uploads, my pea brain wouldn't be able to keep up, my chapter ideas just pop into my head whenever they want to, and with school right around the corner, yeah I wouldn't be able to keep that day.
But I'm willing to try, Thursdays? Maybe every other?
Warning!: Selfharm, aboose, lemons
I don't own annnythiiiiiing
Feel free to correct me on any mistakes made.
I drove all the way back home and pulled into the driveway. I parked the car, grabbed my suitcase and bag and went inside, waving at Max who who was hanging out in the living room. I went upstairs to my room, sighing as I placed the stuff down by the door.
I went into my closet and changed into some grey baggy trousers and a loose navy sweatshirt. After looking myself over in a mirror, I went downstairs to make dinner. I opened the kitchen door and cursed my life.
Izzy was running around, peppers and mushrooms in hand. She noticed me and smiled.
"Hey Alec! You weren't home so I thought I'd get started on dinner." She informed me while dropping the uncut vegetables into a pot of some kind of bubbling greyish blue substance. I rubbed my eyes, trying to rub away the growing frustration. I walked over to the stove, turning it off and then faced my annoyed sister.
"Isabelle, I'm going to say this once, and only once. If I ever see you in this kitchen, doing anything other than grabbing a snack, I'll force you to eat whatever you make." She scoffed, rolling her eyes.
"My food isn't bad." I narrowed my eyes.
"Yes, it is."
"How would you know if you never even tried it?" I pointed at the gurgling liquid.
"It does not take a genius to see that, whatever this is, is toxic and radioactive!" She clicked her tongue, and went to find a spoon. She rinsed it off and took a sample of her creation. She pursed her lips, looking a little green. I smirked pulling out my phone, and typed in the number for Taki's, some restaurant Jace and Izzy are obsessed with. She put her hand up and shook her head,
"No, it just needs some salt." I raised a brow, thumb hovering over the call button.
"No, it needs to be destroyed." I placed the phone on the counter and grabbed the pot by the handles, leading it over to the sink. I sighed, thinking about how much food and money was going down the drain.
"I hope this doesn't cause some sort of mutation to any fish out there." i tilted the pot and watched as it slowly dripped out. I flipped it upside down to try and get it to come out faster but it still continued to drip at the same pace. I shook it a little bit and everything in the pot slipped out into the sink in one piece, splashing a bit on my shirt, much to my dismay.
Disgusted, I put the pot down in the second sink, washed my hands, and after drying them off with a towel, called Taki's and asked for 3 cheeseburgers and a large fry, telling them to charge my credit card and put the phone in my pocket. I sent Izzy to her room not before asking her what she was trying to make in the first place to which she responded, pasta. Yeah, ok.
I took a knife and started stabbing at the 'pasta', it swallowed the knife up and when I tried to pull it out, it tried to take it away from me, sucking it up like a black hole. I was more than slightly disturbed. I got the idea to try running hot water over it.
It melted.
I ran my fingers through my hair and turned off the water as the rest of it dissolved, leaving remnants of carrots, mangos, garlic, peppers, onions, mushrooms, and wait, is that a gushers?! I don't have time for this.
I leave the kitchen area as I hear a knock at the door. I opened the door and got the food, putting it on the dining room table. I called everyone down to eat, grabbing a couple of fries, and retreated to my room. I met Izzy on her way downstairs and told her to clean the kitchen.
She flipped me off and ran down the stairs. Little sisters, gotta love em. I entered my room and went straight into the bathroom after locking my door. I washed my hands again and then took off all the products off of my face with a wipe. Most of the bruises were almost gone, leaving only pale purple as proof of them ever being there.
I washed my face, just to make sure everything was off and then sighed remembering his request of a picture. I frowned, looking back up at the mirror pushing my fringes away from my eyes. I took a the standing hand mirror thingy on the counter and brought it over to my desk, moving stuff out of the way so that i'd have some space.
I got up and brought the suitcase over to my desk. I found a white headband and pulled it over my head and then back up to keep my hair down and out of my face. With one last sigh and a cat on my lap, I started on my face.
It was about like, i dunno, 10-15 minutes later when I heard a knock on my door.
"Yeah?" I shouted, not getting up, working on softening my cheekbones.
"A-Alec?" Asked my adoptive brother "I. I need to talk to you. Please."
"Uh, I'm kind of busy a the moment." I replied, pressing the pink sponge in the areas necessary.
"No, Alec I-I can't, fuck. No, I mean just please. Hear me out." I furrowed my brows,
"I'm listening." He sighed.
"Can you like, open up?"
"Nope." I replied popping the p.
"Please! If Izzy hears this then she'll kill me!" My brows rose, hearing the genuine worry and fear laced in Jace's usually confident voice.
I looked down at my face and sighed.
"Just a second." I quickly picked up a wipe and rubbed it against my face, wiping away all my hard work until there was nothing on it. I quickly squeezed some foundation that was a bit too dark for my pale complexion onto a brush and put it all over my face, blending it out towards my neck. I picked the wipe back up, removing the foundation that had gotten on my lips and threw it away, all while putting everything else back in their respective places.
I decided on keeping the headband since I actually preferred the hair out of my face, reminding me of that haircut that was seriously overdue, like 4 years overdue. And closed the suitcase and picked up Church. I moved the Macy's bag, hiding it in my closet and then unlocked the door.
I quickly sat on the end of my bed, crossing my legs, and called Jace in. He opened the door, looking incredibly distressed. I pet the fat furry animal slowly as my brother came over and sat cross legged on the floor in front of me.
Silence.
"So wha-"
"I'm sorry." I tilted my head.
"For..?" He ran his fingers through his hair, and sighed.
"Ok, back in London. You never really talked to anyone or had any friends, and to be honest me and Izzy were always worried about you." He took a breath.
"And, I was pretty happy with that. I mean I hate sharing, especially sharing friends, so your anti- socialness, worked in my favor.
"When we moved here, although we encouraged you to go out and make some friends or whatever, I really didn't think you were going to. At least I hoped so."
I kept my features neutral as I scratched Church behind the ears, not really knowing how to feel about all this. Why was he even telling me this? I mean call me crazy, if I secretly wanted my friend/brother to stay forever alone all his life, I wouldn't tell him.
"So, when you didn't sit with us on the first day, but with Clary and Simon, it was kind of a reality check. And then when you didn't come to school the day after, you already had some sparkly kid and a girl worried about you, after about 8 hours, i just-" I blushed at the sparkly kid comment, it was most likely Magnus he was talking about. He took another breath.
"I mean, when we had that dinner with Mom and dad's colleagues, and you mentioned Clary, I honestly thought she was fake. You never had any interest in girls and then all of a sudden in one day, you're practically in love, it's pretty sketchy."
I blushed a darker red, the plan wasn't very well thought out, but at least I got out of some stupid arranged marriage. Jace started to look even more guilty.
"When me and Izzy first saw her, we were really excited and stuff, I mean like holy shit! Our brother has a crush!" I looked down, feeling verrry awkward, more than I've ever felt in my life. Jace put his head in his hands.
"But then I calmed down a bit and thought about what it actually meant. How it affected me.
"Getting yourself a girlfriend, you probably wouldn't spend much time with us anymore. You probably would be too busy cooking for her, going out with her, couply stuff. And eventually you'd forget about us.
"I even thought about the chances of her turning you down but like, who wouldn't like you? Back in London, all the girls were drooling over you, practically worshiped the very ground you stepped on. I had to work hard to direct their attention to me, well not that hard, I'm pretty hot myself, but I didn't want you to get swept up by them, leaving me behind."
His voice got smaller and smaller as he continued.
"All day, I kept my eyes on Clary, trying to find out what was so special about her. She wasn't hot or anything, she actually kind of resembles a 10 year old,
"I kind of eavesdropped on some of her conversations with that Simon kid, and honestly, she wasn't very funny, all they seemed to talk about was Star wars and stuff on Disney channel,
"She wasn't exactly smart either, getting a 78 on a math test, 86 english, 68 science," He rubbed his eyes while I tried not to think about how creepy/stalkerish he was being.
"It was just so frustrating! Izzy kept on trying to set you guys up on dates, but I kept on stopping her every time, I didn't want to lose you."
I felt so awkward. I really don't know what to tell him, I mean I could say that I just picked Clary because she was the only girl I had really spoken to that day. Also I'm EXTREMELY grateful for him stopping Izzy, nosy brat. I opened my mouth to correct him but he doesn't give me the chance
"Alec, you mean so so much to me. If it wasn't for you, i'd probably be in some crap foster home. I love you man!" His hands stopped moving and my eyes widened. Wait. Is this a confession! Wait wait wait, just a moment. This can't be happening.
"Alec I," Please don't say you're gay for me, please don't say you're gay for me.
"I kissed her." my eyes widened, clearly not expecting that. I allowed Church to bite me for being so stupid and even thinking something so stupid.
"Ok." He looked up quickly, pissed.
"Ok? That's all you can say? Your self proclaimed best friend and brother steals your girl, and you respond with an 'OK?"
He stood and pulled me up by my shirt, Church jumping out of my arms. I quickly pushed him away, in fear he might see my scars.
"Alec hit me!" I flinched.
"What? Why?" I slowly back away from Jace as he started getting a crazed look in his eyes.
"WHY? Because I betrayed you! After everything you do for me, for us, I go out of my way to stop the one thing that might've made you happy. So please, just hit me, yell at me, do something! The guilt is eating me alive!" I shook my head.
"No Jace, really I-"
"Alec hit me!"
"No du-"
"Hit me!" Not one to deal well with peer pressure, I sent my fist flying into his stomach. His eyes bulged, looking ready to fall out of his sockets as he fell onto his knees. I felt so much self loathing at that one moment. I lied to him, I put him through this, he was seeking punishment for a bluff I came up with to save my sorry ass. I hurt him. I did this.
I started clawing at my sleeves, my skin itching, tears threatening to fall.
"Oh my gosh, Jace, I'm so sorry." He shook his head, looking up at me wiping his mouth, smearing the small amount of blood that escaped his lips.
"I asked for it." He smirked. "Didn't know you could hit like that though." he coughed. "You're stronger than you look."
I shook my head tears streaming endlessly down my face. "I'm so stupid." I repeated over and over again in my head
"Jace, I'm so sorry." He frowned.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"Yes I did!" I covered my face.
"I lied to you." I couldn't see his expression, but it was probably shock.
"I never liked Clary, I just used her name to get out of meeting that guy's daughter ok? I only used Clary in the first place because she was the only girl I really talked to." I choked out.
"I'm gay ok! I'm a fucking faggot! I deserve to die! I lied to you, to all of you. I made you go through all of this, I hurt you!"
Strong arms wrapped around me, and I moved my hands to see Jace smiling up at me, him being only 5'11
"I'm not going to say I'm not mad at you for not telling me sooner, but i'm glad you did."
I grimaced. "You don't have to lie, I know that you're disgusted with me." I sighed.
"Just please, don't tell anyone. I don't care if you do in a couple weeks but right now, I don't need Izzy, Mom, Dad, Max, the entire school and internet harassing me right now. So please, even if you hate me I-"
"Alec, stop ok. I don't care if you're gay! Honestly it's better for me, I thought that I was going to have to fight you over Clary, I even prepared a duel speech." He pulled out a folded up index card and ripped it in half.
"And I still feel as if I deserved that punch. Even if she didn't mean that much to you, I still tried to kiss her because I didn't want you with her. Shoot, even if it was a guy I think I would've done the same thing."
I felt a tiny bit of anger at the thought of Jace kissing Magnus.
"Is there anything else you wanna tell me before I accidently go around, shitting on your happiness." I gave him a small smile.
"Don't snap Magnus in half?" His brows furrowed.
"Magnus? Who is th- OH!" His mouth fell open.
"You mean sparkles right?" I blushed, nodding slowly.
"Holy cheese-it's Alec. Wait, isn't he dating that blonde chick?" My hands went back to clawing at my arms.
Magnus' and I's relationship made me feel so dirty and like a hypocrite. Here I was, crying about my parents cheating on eachother, while I was the side guy for someone else's relationship. When I'm not around, he probably kisses Camille, takes her out. Probably? No I've seen it, and it hurts. They'd just be walking down the halls and out of nowhere just start making out not caring about who sees. Not caring about me, but I just want to spend time with him, even if he's thinking about someone else when we are together. I told him I would just be his friend until he figured out who he wanted more, but I honestly couldn't hold back, his lips are just so kissable.
I nodded and he sent me a stupid look that made me want to punch him again but just the thought made me dig my nails deeper into my skin through the sweatshirt.
"Oooh, is that why you don't want me telling anyone." I slowly sat on the bed.
"I honestly don't care who knows I'm gay, but it's how'll they'll react. I can't stand being hated by any of you guys." I'm already hated by our parents, but the hatred would grow so much stronger.
"Alec, Izzy and Max wouldn't care. Have you SEEN Max's manga collection? Out of 56 of them at least 11 are boys love or yaoi, whatever it's called. Izzy would just corner you and force you to go boy hunting with her." He didn't mention our parents, reasons being obvious.
"You're always overthinking. You'll get gray hairs before you hit 20." I sighed, he was probably right.
"Besides Jace, if i came out at school and always hung out with Magnus, people would get suspicious, he'd probably get in trouble with his girlfriend to." he raised a disbelieving brow.
"He's two timing Alec, if he gets in trouble with his girlfriend it's well deserved don't you think?" I shrugged looking down at my fingers. He clasped his hand around my shoulder and smiled.
"Everything is going to be fine, I promise I won't tell anyone, but you probably should." He patted my shoulder and stepped back.
"I'm going to bed, I'm glad everything worked out, well between us." he smiled and I nodded, smiling back.
"Oh Jace,"
"Hmm?"
"I'm not going to school tomorrow."
"What? Why?"
"I'm sick and I have to go check something with the magazine." I hated lying to him seconds after we just bonded, but it has to be done. He nodded and left, closing the door leaving me alone with my thoughts and Church.
If I can't forgive myself, then how can anyone else? I'm a disgusting piece of hypocritical trash. I can't even think for myself, falling into peer pressure, even when I knew what I was doing was wrong. I know Jace was lying when he said he didn't care, how could you not? He didn't look disgusted when I told him but I've learned that he is very good at hiding his emotions.
I stand and speed into my bathroom, quickly taking out the coffin case and taking a razor to my skin. I know you shouldn't cut. I know it doesn't help, doesn't fix anything. But honestly, who cares? I cut over old lines, make new ones, cross over cuts making x's, practically drawing on my arms at this point.
I drop the razor and look around, my vision hazy. I slowly slide down to the floor, kicking the door closed. I let my head fall back and hit the wall behind me.
"What the heck is wrong with me?" I murmured
Everything.
Double upload :3 Review pls?
Thank you to everyone that has reviewed. Last chapter: cantstopwontsopfangirling, SwallowedByShadows, and all the guests
I'm glad people are liking it, I honestly look back at my chapters and cringe, lol. My writing skills have definitely improved :)
Chapter should come out in a couple of hours. Already done and written :)