Epilogue (part one) – pocketful of posies
He misses her.
It's etched in tired lines on his face. Written in the dark circles under his eyes and the unusual slump of his shoulders. He looks beaten. And uncaring of such.
That's what caught Clark's attention. The fact that Lex was walking around looking so utterly defeated and he didn't even seem to care how weak it made him look. As if his mental and physical condition had no bearing on his public persona thus it was of no consequence that he was totally falling apart.
Lex was fading right before the eyes of the world and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
Least of all, Clark.
At least nothing that could be directly linked to him. Something too obvious might backfire and Clark couldn't take the chance of failure. Lex wouldn't survive another disappointment.
Clark knew how to get his attention. Knew that Lex's need to know the truth would always outweigh any misgivings or potentially hurtful actions. Knew that if he piqued his interest, it would all fall into place.
Just needed something that would catch his attention without crushing him completely.
Wasn't entirely sure that was even possible.
Everyone who knew Chloe had felt the sting of her death. Everyone had lost. Everyone had mourned. Everyone still had days when the pain was stronger and the hours slower.
But no one would've guessed the depths of despair Lex had fallen into since no one had known about their relationship. Which meant that he was completely alone in his misery. Because no one had any idea how much he loved her.
Still had no idea.
Everyone except for Clark, of course.
He'd seen it with his own eyes. Watched the play of emotions on Lex's face at her funeral. Watched him as he tossed flower after flower onto her casket. Watched the agony that marred his features as he finally forced himself to walk away.
Knew without a doubt that Lex's emotions were real. Knew how much he suffered without her. Wondered how much longer he'd last.
Knew that one way or another, he had to do something about it.
Lex walked into his study, making his way behind the desk and all but falling into the chair. There was nothing sophisticated about it. Nothing graceful. He just let gravity take him.
Wished gravity would give way forever.
He sighed deeply, resting his elbows on the desk and rubbing his hands on his face.
He needed a vacation. A permanent vacation that would take him far away from his misery. Perhaps far away from everything. Perhaps closer to her.
He knew he wouldn't be that lucky, though. Certainly didn't count on getting any type of respite from the agony of missing her. Wished it to be as such just as he accepted his knowing fate.
He'd miss her directly into the depths of hell.
Lex sighed again, closing his eyes tightly against the familiarity of heartache.
He could feel her watching him. Just as she did every afternoon. In this very spot. At this very moment.
Cautiously, he peeked between his fingers, his eyes automatically seeking the photo before him. Almost smiled in response to her flirty grin.
He couldn't count the number of silent conversations he'd had with her since her death. He'd sat here every afternoon for months, telling her over-and-over again how he felt. How frozen he was without her.
Sometimes almost felt as if she was listening to him.
His elbow slipped and he looked down, frowning slightly at the file folder beneath his arm. Knew he didn't put it there. Wondered what it was.
He straightened, picked up the folder and opened it slowly. His breath caught as he peered at the enclosed photo. Chloe and Lois. The day of the accident. Probably the last image of her alive.
Lex's heart throbbed in his chest. He couldn't even imagine how the picture had gotten there. Couldn't begin to fathom why someone would leave it for him.
Pure torture. Perhaps to put him over the edge. To drive him even closer to madness.
Chloe was on his mind almost constantly, but he'd also thought about Lois a lot. Clark had told him how upset she was. Knew she must be torn up about losing her cousin. Maybe even wanted to die as much as he did. Even if she didn't really understand why.
He'd thought about going to see her, but didn't want to wave his own grief in front of her face. She had enough to deal with; she didn't need his baggage too.
He knew Clark had told her everything she needed to know. That Chloe's killers hadn't gone unpunished. They'd paid with every breath in their bodies. Would continue to pay with every generation from then on.
He knew she knew because Clark had delivered a message from Lois. A subtle, silent plea; iit ends here./i
And he'd done as she's asked. Went against every protective instinct in his body to do the will of a grieving woman. Knew damned well Chloe would've wanted the same. Was unable to deny her this one last request.
He peered at the photo again. Figured it must've been taken by a security camera in a parking lot they'd driven through. They looked happy. Were laughing at something unknown.
And Lex wanted to know what they were laughing at. Wanted something, anything that might bring him a glimmer of a smile.
Sighed again because he knew he'd never know.
Lex stared at the picture for what seemed like hours, letting himself get lost in her infectious smile. It looked as if Lois was talking, telling Chloe something that was obviously amusing.
She was looking at Lois out of the corner of her eye, bent forward slightly over the steering wheel in a half-assed attempt at keeping her eyes on the road.
Then Lex was frowning at the picture. Couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something important. Wanted desperately to know what it was.
Suddenly dropped the photo on his desk and stood up.
Walked out of his study.
Out of the mansion.
Went in search of Clark.
He found him as he had a hundred times, doing chores. Heaving bails of hay as if they were mere Styrofoam.
He didn't waste time with niceties, simply stated, "I want to see Lois."
Clark looked at him, didn't even blink. Just nodded, said calmly, "Okay."
Lex frowned slightly, somewhat startled that Clark hadn't argued about. Figured he'd try to dissuade him in some way. Immediately wondered why he wasn't reacting as he normally did. Echoed, "Okay?"
Clark grinned, "Yeah, okay. It's not like you couldn't find her if you really wanted to. Shit, Lex, you're paying for her care. I don't even see why you bothered coming to see me first."
Lex wasn't sure either. Didn't know if he was looking for information regarding her health or permission to bother her during her recovery. Asked, "How is she?"
Clark frowned slightly, "She's improving, but her long-term memory is still basically nonexistent."
Lex nodded, "Will she remember me?"
Clark shrugged, "If she's having a really good day, maybe. But I wouldn't count on it. I can only hope seeing a familiar face might set off an alarm bell or two. Maybe help her get some kind of grasp on the past."
Lex took a deep breath, "But my visiting won't do any harm to her recovery?"
"No. If nothing else, she won't recognize you at all. Then it's best to just go with whatever she believes. There's no point in stressing her out with things she has no recollection of. If she remembers you then fine, but if she doesn't then you'll have to immerse yourself in her reality."
Lex frowned, uncertain of how he could pretend not to ache. Not to grieve.
"Promise me, Lex," Clark was now right in front of him, staring at him intently. "If she doesn't know you, promise me you won't fight it."
Lex frowned again, didn't want to make any such promise. Did it anyway. Nodded in silent agreement.
He turned to leave, paused at the door, said to thin air, "Thanks, Clark."
He didn't hear Clark's reply, just thought he heard him mutter something that sounded like, "Don't thank me yet."
But Lex chose to ignore it. Just turned and walked out.
Made ready to face another demon.
Lex made it to his destination quickly, deciding to be dropped off by a helicopter rather than extend the journey by plane and car. He wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. Was afraid if he delayed at all he'd simply chicken out.
Lois had spent the months since the accident convalescing in a private hospital, the tropical weather and pleasant environment supposedly being a positive experience for those suffering from the residual effects of head trauma.
Lex didn't know if this was true or not, but figured keeping her comfortable was the least he could do. Chloe would've wanted as much.
He'd been kept up-to-date on her progress. Knew she suffered some memory loss. Figured it was probably easier for her to not remember in the hopes it would dull the pain.
He really didn't know if she'd recognize him. Wasn't sure if he even wanted her to.
He checked with the desk then made his way towards a figure in the distance. Stopped at the end of the deck and removed his shoes and socks. Walked slowly towards a lone person sitting on the beach, staring out at the warm expanse of ocean and sand.
He squinted against the blinding light, barely able to make out more than the silhouette of her body as he drew closer.
Almost turned around as he realized the person before him obviously wasn't Lois. She wasn't tall enough or lanky enough. Her hair was too short and too light. Everything about her just wasn't Lois.
He stopped, glancing around quickly. Frowned when no one in the general area seemed to even remotely resemble how he remembered Lois.
He sighed in annoyance, continued in the direction he'd been sent. Figured the person might know where Lois had disappeared off to. Or at the very least how she was doing.
He was directly behind the woman when he saw it. Two dark spots on the back of her neck, visible through the messy upsweep of her hair. Small, distinct marks of two familiar medieval zodiac signs.
Lex's breath caught in his throat. He knew those symbols. Remembered quite clearly the many times Chloe had mentioned those markings, pointing them out and giggling uncontrollably. How she'd teased him about getting them tattooed on her neck as an inconspicuous symbol of their never-ending secrets.
He scanned her back, took in the sweet swell of her hips, the curves of her ass set in the sand. Felt as if his heart had stopped in his chest. Wondered if he'd died and this was his very own utopia.
Couldn't bear not knowing any longer. Managed to find his voice. Said her name.
"Chloe?" Lex gasped, her name seeming to drip from his mouth in slow motion.
She turned quickly, obviously startled by his sudden presence. "Pardon me?" she asked quietly. "I think you must have mistaken me for someone else."
He blinked, his mouth hanging open as she peered at him questioningly. Something was wrong. She didn't seem to recognize him at all. Her eyes were empty, devoid of all awareness.
He quickly schooled his expression, his promise to Clark flashing through his mind and he raised his brows at her, replied, "I'm sorry. You look like someone I used to know."
The feigned nonchalance. It nearly killed him. Made him want to permanently drown himself in a sea of misery and malcontent. Nearly choked on it as it was.
She peered up at him, asked quietly, "Is she special to you? You're friend."
He nodded, emotion almost choking him as he responded, "More than special. She was everything to me."
She frowned, "iWas/i special? Did she go away?"
Lex ground his teeth together, didn't want to respond. Was incapable of ignoring her pleading eyes. "Yes. She went away."
"Did she want to leave?"
"No," Lex's voice was getting more and more breathless, his hands clenching tightly as he continued. "She didn't want to leave. Sometimes there's just no other choice."
She squinted at him thoughtfully, the familiar look making his chest ache painfully, "Was she pretty?"
He moved next to her, sat down beside her. So close he was almost touching her. Breathed, "Absolutely beautiful."
She smiled, all red lips and flashing white teeth, "And I remind you of her?"
He couldn't help but smile, "Yes. You definitely remind me of her."
She sighed, "That's nice. Thank you."
He frowned slightly, asked, "For what?"
"For making my day a little brighter," she answered candidly, her hand coming out and touching his arm gently. "It's not very often a handsome stranger mistakes me for someone special iand/i beautiful."
Lex's arm tingled where she was touching him. He had to push back his urge reach for her. Was confused and enthralled and so utterly floored he wanted to scream with it.
"The pleasure is all mine," he said softly, feeling the desperation in his gaze. He knew he had to leave. Knew there was nothing he could do as long as she didn't remember him. Couldn't force it on her, whether he wanted to or not.
He'd have to walk away from her. Again.
Took some comfort in the fact that this time, he wasn't walking towards a wall of never-ending darkness. And for the first time in a very long time he felt something other than anguish. Something sweet – something almost akin to hope.
He stared at her for a while, wanted to touch her one last time. Finally swallowed, stood up. Brushed the sand from his pants then gazed down at her once more. "It's been a pleasure...beautiful. Maybe I'll see you around…"
She smiled up at him, looking unreasonably pleased by the compliment. Nodded, "Perhaps you will. Take care of yourself. And good luck – in finding your friend."
His brow furrowed and he paused. Thought about it for a moment then bent slightly, stroking the fingers of one hand along the side of her face.
She closed her eyes and he heard her breath catch in her throat.
Had to bite the inside of his cheek – hard – then moved away quickly. Didn't dare linger too long for fear he'd never find the strength to walk away. Knew if she looked up at him with those bottomless eyes, he'd be completely gone.
Knew he had to walk away before that happened.
So he put one foot in front of the other.
Walked away.
She doesn't know how long she's been sitting there. Stares continuously out at the ocean, listening intently to the sound of water breaking on land. Wishes desperately for something familiar. Something real and infinitely touchable.
She knows she's been there for months. Knows it feels like a lifetime.
Tries desperately to remember something about who she is. Who she's supposed to be.
A voice behind her startles her, and she turns, says quietly, "I'm sorry. I think you must have mistaken me for someone else."
He blinks, his mouth hanging open as she peers up at him questioningly. He looks surprised, almost dazed. But his expression quickly changes and he raises his brows at her, replies, "My mistake. You look like someone I used to know."
She peers up at him, asks quietly, "Is she special to you? You're friend."
He nods, his voice suddenly sounding choked, "More than special. She was everything to me."
She frowns, "iWas/i special? Did she go away?"
His jaw tightens and he looks as if he doesn't really want to respond. Does anyway, saying, "Yes. She went away."
She recoils inwardly, feels a strange empathetic twinge in her chest. Asks simply, "Did she want to leave?"
"No," he says almost breathlessly, his hands clenching tightly as he continues. "She didn't want to leave. Sometimes there's just no other choice."
She squints at him thoughtfully, "Was she pretty?"
He moves next to her, sits down beside her. So close he is almost touching her. Breathes, "Absolutely beautiful."
She smiles warmly, "And I remind you of her?"
He smiles back, "Yes. You definitely remind me of her."
She sighs, torn between being pleased by the compliment and sad for his obvious sadness. Finally says, "That's nice. Thank you."
He looks at her strangely, "For what?"
"For making my day a little brighter," she answers candidly, her hand coming out and touching his arm gently. "It's not very often a handsome stranger mistakes me for someone special iand/i beautiful."
Her hand tingles where she's touching him. She has to push back the urge to lean into him. Is confused and enthralled and so floored she wants to scream with it.
"The pleasure is all mine," he says softly, his eyes wide and almost desperate. He stares at her for a while, obviously contemplating something. Finally swallows, stands up. Brushes the sand from his pants then gazes down at her once more. "It's been a pleasure...beautiful. Maybe I'll see you around…"
She smiles up at him, unreasonably pleased by the compliment. Nods, "Perhaps you will. Take care of yourself. And good luck – in finding your friend."
His brow furrows and he pauses. Looks indecisive then bends slightly, stroking the fingers of one hand along the side of her face.
She closes her eyes briefly, her breath catching in her throat.
The touch is gone almost as quickly as it began and by the time she opens he eyes he's walking away from her.
She feels as if her heart is going to pound right out of her chest. Doesn't know why, but has a distinct feeling that something profound has just happened. Something real and touchable. Something that remains just out of reach.
Her mind is moving at such a frantic pace she feels as if the universe is shifting. Feels as if the ocean and the sand and the sky are melding into one entity.
Almost hears the click, click, click of reality as the past and present merge.
She sobs, touching the spot on her cheek that still tingles from his touch. And she remembers everything. Who she is, where she comes from, and where she wants to be.
It's all incredibly clear and it hurts so much, but she revels in it because it's solid, physical proof that she's alive. And he's here.
She chokes with it; her breath and voice and pulse all stopping in that one instant of recollection. She's overwhelmed and feels frozen, unsure if she's going to panic or simply sink into the sand and never come out.
It feels as if she's outside her body, watching herself struggle, alone in her head, unable to function; a second being that of an hour and a minute that of a day.
She finds enough control to scramble around awkwardly, feeling hysterical and out of control until she's finally on her knees and looking behind her. "L-Lex…" she chokes brokenly.
He's almost to the deck. Almost out of sight. Out of reach. Almost gone.
She opens her mouth to speak, sobs again when nothing comes out. Barely croaks, "Lex…"
She scurries to her feet, stumbles, finally manages to get herself upright and moving forward. Yells brokenly, her voice louder but still hoarse and barely recognizable, "Lex!"
He doesn't stop. Doesn't turn or even flinch. Just keeps on moving until he reaches the deck. Bends down and picks up his shoes. Doesn't bother putting them on. Just continues moving along the deck. His shoulders sloped in defeat.
She comes to her senses slowly, her legs finally moving faster, fighting a losing battle with the unforgiving sand.
Forces herself to stand up, raising her arms out to steady herself as she lurches after him.
Raises her head up.
Finds her voice.
Screams desperately, louder and louder each time, "Leeeex. Leeeex! Leeeex!!"
Lex felt her loss all over again. He felt as if he was burying her all over again. Knew he had no other choice but to let her go.
Wanted to shake the life back into her. Wanted to run back to her and force her to remember him and every single moment they shared. Wished desperately that it was that easy.
Realized that it was too soon. That eventually she'd remember and return to him. That this wasn't the end. This time there was a future.
He finally reached the deck. Bent down to retrieve his shoes. Didn't bother stopping to put them on. Couldn't be bothered to tend to such a trivial task when he was leaving Chloe behind.
He just wanted to get on the helicopter and find something meaningful to tide him over until she woke up. Until she returned and freed him from the hell he'd been living in.
He was half-way across the deck when he heard it. A soft caress on the salt-slick breeze. A voice so faint he thought he might've dreamt it.
He started slightly, but didn't turn. Knew that if he got another look at her he'd never leave. He'd stay here forever and spend every last cent on reminding her of who he was.
But then he heard it again, this time louder. It sounded familiar, like a panicked, heartbroken rendition of his name. He stopped in his tracks. Didn't dare turn for fear she'd be gone and he'd be left with nothing more than a voice on the wind.
There it was again. Louder. Distinctive. Unmistakable.
He turned slowly. Blinked. Thought he might pass out at the sight of her fighting her way through the sand. The blinding tropical light throwing her image into that of a mirage.
"Chloe," he choked, almost too scared to believe it. Felt frozen to the spot. Unable to breathe or blink or move.
But she's really moving towards him and she's screaming his name and then he's moving and he's quicker and more agile than her and he's in front of her before she even gets close to the deck and they're on their knees in front of each other and he's cupping her face in his hands and doing his best to ignore the terrible burning ache behind his eyes and she's choking and sputtering from months of contained, confused emotion and he just wants to swallow her down and keep her as close to him as possible and never, ever, ever let her go.
And so he watched her in awe, unable to take his eyes off her face. Unable to force words past the huge lump obstructing his throat. Unable to form words at all because it's all too crazy and too wonderful and too much to even fathom as being real.
Was afraid that if he spoke he'd wake up in his bed in his room with the same gut-wrenching pain that had continuously threatened him with expiration only to laugh at him just as he neared the end.
Except now she's talking to him, and her words and breath and tears are enough to make his heart swell to the very brink of rupture and he had to wonder how fitting it would be if he keeled over from sheer exhilaration. If he just dropped dead on the spot.
So he shushed her gently, her name a release of all the darkness inside him, "Chloe…"
She's laughing and crying and clutching at him, her eyes so filled with tears he thought he might surely drown in them and he couldn't control himself any longer and finally did exactly what he'd wanted to do since the very moment he recognized her sitting on the beach.
Pulled her closer. Wrapped one arm around her shoulders and used the other to draw her face closer to his. Placed his lips firmly on hers, tasting her mixed-up elation in the saltiness of her tears.
He choked back a sob as she opened for him, her lips immediately hungry and demanding and everything he remembered them to be. She's breathless, panting into his mouth as he drinks it in, taking everything and asking for more. Wanted to feel and taste and smell everything he'd been missing since she'd been gone.
Never thought he'd feel this way ever again.
Never wanted it to stop.