I've been a horrible person. What have I done? I don't deserve his love. I've let him down.
Even if he was being a jerk and not telling me what was wrong…there was still no need for my actions, the things I said, oh god, the things I did…to him…against his will.
Thomas voice rang in his ears.
'You're taking advantage of me'
He felt a twist of remorseful anguish in his stomach; a guilt so strong he thought it may just rip through the lining of his abdomen and devour him whole, a worthy punishment for his recent sins.
It was late. But for some reason Jimmy was still awake. He couldn't sleep, his mind kept washing over to remind him of all his recent ill deeds towards the other man; he'd acted harshly, wrongly, and Thomas was right, he was selfish, unreliable, childish, demanding. The fact that Thomas was right about everything he had said at the time burnt in his chest, as a flame of guilt and shame torching his heart into nothing more than ashen embers.
He knew he should probably try and get back to sleep, but the warmth of Thomas' front pressed into his back was enough to convince his mind that he should lie awake awhile longer before attempting to get back to sleep. Thomas' right arm was drooped loosely over his waist, his hand resting lightly across his stomach, his other hand beneath his body, pressed into his hip.
One could say the calm aura of the room was perfect, if one could block out their former actions.
Despite everything he had done, everything that was happening between them , caused by Thomas' secret, whatever it was, he still felt perfectly content and in love at that moment, as his mind blocked out their present and drifted into their past.
Jimmy lay wakeful in the dark, remembering how he had been so lost until he found his one true love, Thomas.
And now I've treated the only thing I care about in the world wrongly.
Every since arriving at Downton to work, he had loved being near Thomas; the company they shared, whether that be companionship, romantic-or even sexual acts together;-it seemed hard to believe that that was a statement he never would of imagined making to his self before he had arrived at the Abbey. But there it was; the truth. Staring him straight in the face the second he walked through that door, everything suddenly so obvious, so natural, as he realised who he was the minute he looked into Thomas' pale blue eyes.
He smiled slightly, laughing inwardly at the fact that even though he was scared and nervous at the time, he still made the first move.
"Bold as brass" Thomas used to say to him, every time he had openly conveyed his emotions. "You certainly do wear you're heart on your sleeve, don't yer?"
The concept of showing how he felt seemed to be lost on Thomas. Jimmy often wondered that maybe it was because Thomas had known what he was far longer than himself, more years of experience, more opportunity to get so fucked up you can't even smile without worrying what people may think.
What a world of difference there is between us.
It seemed strange to think that he never realised his preferences until the day he met Thomas, the idea of him harbouring homosexual feelings was unthought-of, and his younger self-although not much younger- never even considered the possibility of loving another man. But now, he was certain of his love, and nothing would change that. His love for Thomas would go on, and on, and on...
"I'll make it up to you my love" Jimmy whispered, breaking his own thoughts with the words he muttered almost subconsciously, into the dark.
Jimmy let his mind wonder, straying into fantasies of a life with the under-butler, living with him, perhaps in a little cottage they could call their own, just the two of them, where he could just lie next to him every night; feeling the beat of his heart against his back, hearing the soft and steady breathing in his lungs, reliving this moment, every night, for the rest of his life. Being able to be content and happy just knowing one another's alive and with you, just being able to hear the other breathe, knowing you have a safe and secure life together...
Except I don't. Not here anyway. There's nothing secure about our life at Downton. Nothing at all.
Jimmy turned to lie on his back, staring into the darkness of the ceiling and the uncertainty of their unmapped futures.
Well at least I'll have Thomas, even if I have nothing else.
Jimmy twisted round his body again, letting his limbs become entangled with Thomas' own, scooting down the bed to rest his head on his chest, cheek parallel to his heart. Anticipating for the gentle beat that would tell him that he has something, someone, worth living for, even if not for the conventional, convenient, lifestyle. Jimmy strained his ears to listen to the gentle thud, the very quiet, gentle thud…?
Hm. Nothing. How can there be nothing?
Wait…What..!?
Pfff there can't nothing…Maybe if I just listen a little harder then…
Still nothing. Nothing. OH MY GOD! NOTHING!
Shooting up, his own breathing becoming strangled, jimmy turned his head to look down at the motionless figure lying beside him.
Dead.
Oh shit, he's- Oh cruel irony. How could he leave me like this...?
But...? How...? When? Why? Has he been dead long? How long? How long have I been lying next to a stone cold corpse planning my future, our future?
How could I be alone?
It can't be! It just can't!
Jimmy chocked out an uncontrollable wail, chocking on his own breath, his chest tight with shock, the rising panic making it increasingly harder to breathe.
Pulling the bed sheets away from his naked, sweat slicked body; he scrambled up on to Thomas' chest, shaking him violently by the shoulders, tears streaming down his cheeks. His entire body began to shake as he continued struggling to breathe, causing him to let out a noise which could only be compared to a dying female walrus, sobbing manically, with so many emotions and thoughts racing through his head that even crying seemed just too hard, just too painful.
Jimmy let out an anguished scream of sorrow; he continued to shake the now sitting Mr. barrow, pulled up by the hands still gripping his shoulders. He slid off his stomach to slump into his lap, as he held his torso tightly to his own, Thomas' naked flesh suddenly feeling like ice. What would have once been an arousing position for him, with the proximity of their skin, now just filled him with the thoughts of what would never be, and what will never be again.
How could I not have noticed this?
"Nooo..No...No…I can't...I can't lose you! Not when I've only just found you" Jimmy whispered helplessly, hugging his corpse, as if his love could bring him back to life as he pressed against the under-butlers departed body.
Finally dropping him to back to lie flat on the mattress, he looked down at the naked man who once was: his friend, lover, soul mate, even this future, and his happy ending; their love which he once thought was so eternal, that even death could not separate them. Now as he stared at Thomas, cold and distant in his state of death, he realised how wrong he was.
Things like this don't happen to real people, these tragedies only happen in silly books, surely?
Jimmy screwed his eyes shut dejectedly, the reality of the situation finally sinking in, he was all alone. Thomas had been taken from his future, stolen from his life, and in those few seconds his world had crumbled, for without Thomas barrow he could no longer see a world, and although he may have not shown it to him correctly the last months gone by, he was his everything, he was his existence. The older mans carcass was how merely a cruel reminder of how little he had, yet how much he had to loose.
He heard a noise outside of the door, a growing ruckus and clattering diffusing through the air, but the atmosphere was so thick with sorrow and broken dreams, that the sounds went unnoticed, drowned out by the shattering of Jimmy's heart and Thomas' breathless lungs which spoke volumes to the pain of the footman's soul.
Curling up on his chest, he hollered out in tears of pain and distress, as the part of his mind that once felt loved, filled with Thomas' care had died, leaving only ruins of a life that once seemed possible and a heart which once felt love.
The door swung open. And with that, all hope was lost, along with every ounce of self control evaporating, never to be seen again, well at least not in this life.
a/n: so this is what it's all been building up to, sorry if it was a nasty surprise! Just to clarify, this isn't the end, I think I'm only about half way. So stick with me, even though this may be the end of Thomas in physical form, this certainly isn't the last we'll hear of him.