Antonio

Following his birthday, was Valentine's Day. Of course, uneventful. Almost.

In the afternoon, there was a knock on the door. Antonio answered it, and there stood a man in a green and black uniform with a bouquet of roses.

"Residence of Teresa Carriedo Fernandez?" He asked. Antonio nodded. "Here you go. Enjoy."

He took the bouquet, and looked at the card held between the roses. Signed by his father. He gave it to his mother and didn't bother to read the note.

"Toni, mi amor. Guess what?" She asked him while he was sprawled on the sofa. He looked up.

"When this school year ends, your father is coming back. And he'll be staying for longer. He also said he's visiting around March. Aren't you happy?"

"Oh, yeah." He smiled. "That's great. Why's he coming back for so long? Doesn't he usually work more during summer?"

"He says there's a surprise for us."

"Oh." And for some strange reason, Antonio was just uninterested. Not that he didn't love his father, it was just that, he's always gone for so long that he's just learned to live without him.

His mom didn't bring it up again.

Lovino

After that night, Lovino left the note in the pocket and put it back in his Nonno's closet. He didn't want his Nonno to know that he found it.

But he'd been thinking a lot about it. Oregon? That was so far. And so...secluded. He knew nothing about Oregon. Coming to California itself was a journey of new experiences. Was he up for another one?

His mother also mentioned a fancy high school. A private high school. He wondered about it. Though it seemed exciting, the fact still remained. He'd be leaving not only this wonderful city he's learned to fall in love with, but he'd be leaving Antonio. And who knows if he'd even see him again.

Did he want to take that risk?

Feliciano and Nonno had been a bit concerned about Lovino, because of how spacey he'd been. He was just lost in too much thought. He wondered how Nonno wasn't as confused as he was, he who would be the one making all the choices. Maybe it was an adult thing he didn't understand. But adults get stressed out, don't they? He almost refused to believe that his Nonno was simply unphased by the proposition sent to him. He didn't have to agree to send Lovi and Feli, he could keep them all to himself. But, if he did send them, what would he do? He'd be all alone, in an empty house.

He tried to not worry about it, to get his mind off things, but if anything, it just stressed him out even more.

Aside from this news from his mother, he was just naturally stressed. And unfortunately, he couldn't figure out why. His life was, actually going pretty well. That was something he didn't get to say very often. Yes, he was grateful, so why did he feel as if everything around him was crashing down?

This was seen through how school was going. He couldn't focus, and often got poor grades on tests. His Nonno didn't mind as much, only sighed and told him to try harder next time. But still, he hated to disappoint him.

He'd always been the disappointment, so he tried his very hardest to exceed his expectations. He knew he wasn't very good at many things that were actually...useful in life. Sure, he could kinda draw, he could kinda write poems. But, in a sense of reality, that would get him nowhere in life.

Then there was Feliciano. Feli, the golden child. The smart, social, adorable, perfect one. The one that everyone remembered, everyone cared about, the one that everyone knew was going great places in the future.

But Lovino...not so much. And he tried not to compare himself, but it seemed that Feli always found a way to be so much better at him at everything. He knew he didn't mean to but...it still hurt him. He just wished there was something he could do that Feli couldn't do as well. It may have been a bit of a dark wish, but who cares? Lovino deserved to win at least once in life. Where was his glory?

Antonio noticed Lovino's changes in his mood. He had his bad days. On some days, he was edgy and snapped at everyone, on other days he couldn't be bothered to talk and was just tired. Regardless, there seemed to be more of those bad days than good.

"Lovi, do you want to go get some ice cream later?" He asked one day, when Lovi was practically falling asleep in math and his hand was shaky as he scribbled in his notes.

He nodded in reply.

After school, they got their ice cream and talked about things. Lovino needed someone to listen, and thankfully, Antonio was there to do just that.

He ended up crying into his shoulder for seemingly no apparent reason, and they went back to Antonio's house.

Antonio told him he should sleep for a while, that his homework could wait. Sleepily, he nodded, and fell asleep in Antonio's bedroom.

The only problem with having Antonio look out for him was that he couldn't attend to how Antonio was feeling. He knew he wasn't as happy as he seemed, he knew he was probably as stress consumed as he was. But Lovino couldn't comprehend how he could hide it so well.

Antonio hugged him, told him everything would be alright, and smiled brighter than any sun in any galaxy. Then Lovino looked into his eyes, all he saw was pain and misery.

It wasn't Antonio's secret dark feelings he worried so much about. It was the fact that he couldn't do anything about it. All his energy was focused on keeping himself at a point of normal human functionality.

Antonio

He was tired. Infinitely tired. Tired wasn't even a mood anymore, it was his way of life. There was nothing he could do about it.

But, he was only worried about Lovino. He couldn't be selfish enough to worry about himself first. It just felt wrong.

So he ignored everything he felt. The storm will pass, right? If he didn't think about it, maybe the thoughts would go away. Maybe if he just kept taking those sleeping pills, he might get a better night's sleep. Maybe if he ate all his food even though he wasn't hungry, he would stay full and have energy. Maybe if he pretended he wasn't about to break down under the stress, he could get all his schoolwork done and maintain his grades. Maybe if he ignored the tears and the dark thoughts, it would all be okay.

Maybe.

As for Lovino, he needed Antonio's help. He needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on. He didn't want Lovino to fade away from him. He needed him there.

Although, he had to admit, it was proving to not be so easy.

Lovino

It was Saturday, and he wasn't out with Antonio. He told him he couldn't because of a family thing.

He didn't know why, he just didn't feel like talking to him. Lately, he'd been feeling strange about their friendship. It seemed like Antonio was more caught up in giving Lovino advice that he didn't take the time to actually just be his friend.

All Lovi wanted was for him to he happy. He wanted to provide all the happiness he possibly can for him, but Antonio just kept pushing it down.

So he preferred being alone. For some odd reason, he didn't want to be so close to Antonio. He wanted to remain absolute, total friends. That's not how Antonio treated their friendship. Was it even a friendship anymore?

He spent most of the day in his house, on his laptop, with a bucket of ice cream and the blinds closed. He wanted to relax.

Then sometime around the evening, he decided to go for a walk. He called Italia and set out. The cat needed to walk too.

As he strolled down his street, he passed Antonio's. He looked out at the small white and brick house. It looked empty. Still as cheery as the first time he had seen it. But he knew there was something going on behind those walls, something he wasn't sure he wanted to know about. He kept walking.

Lovino liked looking out at other people's houses. Sometimes it felt creepy, but he really did enjoy it. Some people sat out on their porch for a smoke, moms from inside the house keeping watch over their children in the yard, dogs barking in the backyard that freaked out Italia.

Of course there were homes that weren't as pleasant.

He could hear people yelling inside some of them, things being thrown. Others were broken down and ugly with decay. He saw signs that showed people getting evicted, some people desperately trying to sell their house.

And sometimes he passed quiet houses, and he wondered about it. Whether there were any kids, how old were they, what are the parents like? Did they even have parents at all? Was someone in the family hiding something? The possibilities were endless.

He saw the conflict in the world, but he saw the good things. That's just how life was. There was a necessary balance of good and bad.

Many strange thoughts later, he circled back to go back home.

When he turned into his street, he saw Antonio getting out of his car. When he caught sight of him, he smiled and yelped, "Lovi! Italia!" And ran towards them.

"How's your day been?" He asked, leaning in for a hug. That's one thing they did more often now; hug. Every time they said hello, every time they said goodbye. Lovino had grown accustomed to it, and frankly, he looked forward to it. No one hugged him as often as Antonio, even Feli, who was a huge hugger.

"Well, you know. Busy I guess. The same." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Are you free at the moment?" He asked, bending down to pet Italia.

"Um, I don't know. I guess. Why?"

"Do you wanna come over and just, hang out?"

Lovino paused for a moment. He could deny. Would that be rude? Wait, since when did he care about being rude? But, he was feeling lonely. Maybe stopping at Antonio's house for a while wouldn't be so bad. Nonno didn't mind one bit.

Seeing his hesitation, Antonio quickly stuttered out, "It's okay if you don't want to. I understand." He looked down at his shoes.

"No, I'll come over," Lovino's lips tugged upwards into a gentle smile. Before he could change his mind, he marched inside.

Antonio

They went into Antonio's room, and Lovi sat on the edge of his bed while Antonio lay on his own pillow.

"So, um..." Antonio began. He already knew Lovi hadn't been busy that day. He knew he was trying to avoid him. And honestly, he didn't care. "How are you feeling today?"

"Don't know. Same as always. How bout we talk about you for once?" he retorted.

"What's there to say? You already know a lot about me, Lovino."

"Then why do I feel like you're trying to shut yourself out so much?" Lovi tilted his head with small concern.

"Look who's talking," came his sarcastic reply.

"Antonio. I just..." He stopped to look at the ceiling, then down at his lap. "I don't know anymore. I don't know what my life is spiraling into."

"What do you mean?" His eyebrows furrowed and he drew his mouth into a straight line. It was one of the rare moments that Antonio wasn't eager to keep his constant positivity.

"I mean there's something wrong with me, okay?" He said a bit louder. "I just..."

Antonio sat up now. He tugged at the hem of his shirt and took a deep breath. "Go on."

"It's like I don't even know who I am anymore." He stood up. "I know how you think of me and I don't know how to feel. I can't think. I can't put my thoughts into words because they just jumble up and they never make sense. I've lost my sense of being poetic because all I can feel is all these weird thoughts at the back of my head to the point that they're overwhelmingly loud." He raised his voice. "I can't hear myself think, Antonio. Literally. And I don't know what I'm saying and I can't control what I'm thinking because there's a fucking beast in my brain and that beast is me."

Antonio didn't want to say anything at first. Mostly because he felt the same, if not worse. He didn't bombard Lovino with the same problem. He didn't try to oneup his issue. He didn't bring himself into it.

For a moment, he couldn't think of what to say. He was so lost in thought and in Lovino's words that it disrupted his own thought process. He stumbled to get back on track.

"I just...I want you to be okay. I know you don't see me the way I see you, but you know I care about you." He ran his hands through his thick brown hair. "And I'm just as confused as you are. I really am. I don't know what to do, because no matter what I feel like I'm going to mess it up somehow."

Right as Antonio was about to say more, Lovino cut in. "Stop! I'm aware of what's happening. God, all I wanted to do was help your stupid idiot self out but you can't just put down everything for once and let me be there for you. That frustrates me. And now... You don't even know what's about to happen, do you?"

Anger was building up inside both of them. Though Antonio felt like he could have so much to spew back, he tried to hold back and said, "Yeah, well how would I even know anything if all you've been doing lately is distance yourself? Do you even try to listen to my problems? We can't have one conversation without bringing up some issue of your own, have you realized that?"

He stopped himself and regretted every word that came out of his mouth. He didn't mean to sound so...rude.

"That's all a lie and you know it."

"Where's the lie, Lovino? Honestly I just..." this time, he actually stopped. He knew he couldn't let this get any worse. He decided to be the bigger person. Then he took a deep breath. "You know we both care for each other a lot. Why can't we just leave it at that?"

"Because I'm fucking leaving, okay?" Antonio saw the regret in his eyes, knowing Lovino didn't mean to blurt that out.

"You...what?"

"I'm..." His eyes became darker and his gaze fell. "I saw a letter from my mom. A while ago."

This was something new to Antonio.

"And, in the letter..." He swallowed. It was taking too much effort for him to even speak. "In the letter, she said she wanted me and Feli back. After all these years, she's saying she's finally steady. Things are more okay than they were before."

For a moment, the other was confused. "But this is a good thing, isn't it?"

"No."

"Why not? I thought you wanted to see your mom again?"

"Not because of that. The thing is, she's living in Oregon. I would go live with her." Lovino had finally dropped that bomb. Everything hurting him inside, released. He needed this.

Antonio's blood ran cold and his mind was fuzzy. There were no words to describe where his mind was at this moment.

He got up, left the room, went into the bathroom and locked the door. He heard Lovi leave the house. Maybe he cried, maybe he screamed, maybe he just sat there numb and confused. He couldn't remember.

Wow I felt too much drama in this chapter. Unfortunately, and also a bit fortunately, it's just the beginning :)

As always, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed :3