Sakura sat at her desk, blearily staring into the too bright computer screen in front of her. If it wasn't for the clock at the corner of the screen, she would have no idea what time it was.
Open textbooks were piled onto her desk, pages upon pages of notes, flashcards, and numerous sticky notes strewn across her work space. Dozens of tabs were open on her computer, some being scientific articles, some being tabs from her university, and others study materials for her exams. Despite having already passed the first of the four Konoha Medical Licensing Examinations needed to become a doctor, she knew that if she slacked now, she could easily fail these next two examinations and not continue onward to her residency.
Sakura hadn't taken a shower in over three days and still wore the same mismatched pajamas from two days ago. Her greasy hair remained unbrushed, instead secured to the top of her head in a rat's nest with a clip. A headband kept her stringy bangs out of her equally greasy face.
She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten a proper meal. A dozen coffee cups were precariously scattered about her work space, intermingling with empty take out boxes and protein bar wrappers and carelessly overflowing onto the floor.
She should be focusing all of her attention on her studies since her formal schooling was about to be coming to an end. She was about to take the exams she needed to graduate medical school and start her residency and she needed to know everything there was if she wanted to pass. She couldn't fail, she couldn't afford to fail. She had waited nearly her entire life for this and it was finally her chance to accomplish her dream.
Her brain was frazzled after spending the past week doing nothing but studying. She had sacrificed all of her vacation days and pulled numerous favors from her coworkers at the hospital to free up these couple weeks to prepare for her exams.
Sakura had hardly seen or spoken to anyone aside from delivery people from the various restaurants around town and Sasuke, who had come to check up on her at the beginning of her study binge. He had brought her enough instant coffee to last the week and enough high calorie protein bars to keep her from starving.
When Sakura had tried to ask the Uchiha how he was doing, or rather how he was holding up with the weight of lives on his shoulders, she couldn't find the words. She was so concerned for her best friend, the man she considered a brother, but had no idea how to start a conversation where she could help him. She had never seen him with bags under his eyes so deep and, although he may not have realized it, she had noticed the smell of liquor on his breath.
Instead, she had just thanked him for his thoughtfulness and offered him her couch for the night, an offer he had taken advantage of for a nap. At least until he was called away later that day by the club.
It had been over a week since Sakura had last seen Sasuke and the only thing that let her know he was okay was his occasional text demanding that she get some sort of food delivered to her house. Texts intermingled with the occasional invite to the gym by Naruto, an invite to lunch from Ino, and the frequent texts from the object of her affection and confliction, Madara.
No matter how hard she tried to bring her attention back to her studies, her thoughts kept getting drawn away to the events of the past month. To her increasingly disharmonious and revealing relationship with Madara.
Her relationship with Madara was incredibly satisfying. This was the first time she had ever felt love this deep, this real. This was the first time that she ever felt so loved, so valued, so supported, and so respected. He treated her as his equal and absolutely spoiled her with his affection. He wasn't afraid to show her how much he loved her by bringing her take out or even homemade meals, sending flowers to her work, surprising her during her lunch break to take her out to eat, spending every moment with her that he could, and being openly and shamelessly affectionate with her in public.
(If Sakura was honest with herself, she was just grateful that they hadn't been caught being so affectionate with one another in public that it had escalated into sex, especially since it seemed to happen so often - on a back road on his motorcycle, at the drive in theater, at the concert…)
When they spent time together, more often at her apartment than his house since she had become so busy with her studies, he was unbothered by how she couldn't always give him her full attention. Instead, he would state that he enjoyed spending time with her as she was and would often sit at her desk and plop her in his lap while she studied. As she worked, he would either cuddle her, dropping his face against her neck and basking in her warmth, or play games or text on his phone. Sometimes he would try to seduce her, something she would often fall for or even instigate herself.
It was like the gods had made Madara perfect just for her. He was everything Sakura could ever want in a partner and more. A fact that made it so much more difficult for her to deal with his lifestyle.
A lifestyle which made her feel an incredible amount of dissonance that contrasted so sharply with her contentment with him as a lover.
The ever growing number of bands inked across Madara's arms specifically made her feel sick to her stomach. Over the past month and a half, he had had two new rings added in addition to the three she had noticed in the shower. Just the thought that he had actually, truly killed five people in such a short time made her stomach rise into her chest.
Was this normal? Was he truly in this much danger every day of his life? Or was this war Sasuke had spoken of getting worse? What would Sasuke's tally look like now? Was her best friend in danger as well? How could they possibly live with themselves?
No matter how gentle and loving Madara was with her, the fact he murdered people with such ease had frightened her. Had left her feeling physically ill. She could hardly believe that it was real, could hardly believe that this war was real and that her lover was an active participant in it.
Sakura was a nurse, she was going to become a doctor, a surgeon even. She had dedicated her life to helping people, to saving lives. To know that the man she loved with every fiber of her being was taking lives left her with a feeling of dissonance so powerful it took her breath away.
At first, she had been terrified that Madara was some sort of sociopath who killed without remorse. That all of Sasuke's family members were psychopaths who killed for no reason other than because that was their chosen lifestyle. She was afraid that she had made a horrible mistake in being with Madara, a fear fueled further by her own reputation at picking terrible lovers.
As the days went on, and as her and Madara spent more time together, however, Sakura began to notice how his secret life affected him. And as she paid more attention not only to him but to the others, she began to notice how troubled the Uchiha family really was. That Madara, as well as everyone else, wasn't as unaffected by the life as they outwardly appeared.
Sakura began to suspect that a number of Uchihas in the MC, if not all of them, suffered a great deal. Something that had been physically substantiated by a number of behaviors and otherwise now that she had finally paid enough attention to to notice.
She had noticed that Obito always had a bottle of pain pills on his person, something he would reach into far more often than would have been prescribed, even with his amputations. She had noticed that Izuna was an alcoholic, a flask or a drink always cradled in his slender hands. A dangerous vice that Sasuke was beginning to pick up himself.
She had noticed that Shisui, Itachi, and Izumi were the only ones who had positive coping mechanisms, all tied in with their arts, but knew that if they lost even one member of their trio that the others would fall apart.
Sakura was even reminded of the anti-anxiety medication, expired as it was, that still sat in Madara's medicine cabinet in the exact same place it had been when she had first spotted it the first night she had stayed at his house.
She had finally begun to realize how much the Uchiha's secret life, this secret war, truly damaged them. More than Shisui's sudden limp, a injury that he refused to speak to her about, and deeper than Sasuke's increasing standoffishness, a trait that had only grown more pronounced as the days went on.
It wasn't until a night just a few short weeks ago that Sakura finally realized how severely this war had affected her lover specifically. An event that had conversely both frightened and comforted her and one that would remain with her until the day she died.
Sakura and Madara sat on the couch in Madara's house, both of them half way watching an action flick playing on his tv.
The past couple weeks that they had spent together had been tense. Neither had spoken of his secret life, the lives he took in this war, since her discovery in the shower. Ever since then, both of them had been walking on eggshells around one another.
They both knew that they loved each other more than they had ever known but neither of them knew if it was enough.
That past week, however, had been much worse than usual. Madara had been distracted for days and had been acting standoffish. Tonight, it was even more obvious than ever that his thoughts were somewhere else entirely. He was so lost in his inner world that he hadn't spoken a word to her since he had put on the movie. His arm was draped across her shoulders as it normally was but it felt more like habit than having any affection behind it.
Even more than that, Madara kept glancing towards his front door every time a car passed by, an unusual tension never leaving his body.
"Madara?" Sakura finally asked, too discomforted to even use her pet name for him as she broke the silence between them for the first time in over an hour.
"Hmm?" he answered, glancing over at the door once again as a car passed by.
"Do…" she started, pausing for a moment before continuing, "Do you want me to leave?"
His gaze finally met hers for the first time in over an hour.
"No, of course not," he answered, perhaps too quickly, before clearing his throat and speaking again, "I know that I have been acting… off lately, but I want you to stay with me."
"What's wrong? Is it… Does it have something to do with…" Sakura tried, unable to even get the words out.
"Yes and no. This week is tough for me every year. It…" he sighed deeply, "It's the anniversary of a series of events that took place over a decade ago and the memories always come back when this week returns. I would like to keep it at that for now."
Sakura frowned deeply in response to his guarded answer but respected his boundaries nonetheless. "I understand. If you need to talk though… I'm always here."
Madara smiled a half smile in return, his happiness with her offer not quite breaking through the tension in his body as he pulled her closer against him. "Thank you, love."
The silence from before returned once again, both of them quietly watching the movie as they both became lost in their own thoughts. She could tell he still wasn't quite there with her, lost to some place that she didn't know of or understand. Knowing that some event had taken place that still troubled him made it easier for her to understand why he was so far away but made it no less concerning.
She was almost frightened to know what had happened to trouble him so deeply, considering his active participation in the war between the Uchiha and Senju.
When the movie finally finished, the lovers had simply gone to bed early. Neither had much energy and both of them were too lost in their own inner worlds to do much besides fall into bed together. Neither even tried to turn the other on, too distracted by the tension of the day to try for sex.
Instead, Sakura had just curled up against him and Madara had wrapped her up in his arms almost too tightly.
Normally, Madara slept fairly well. He would wrap himself around her in his sleep, clinging to her like a comfort item, but he would always sleep soundly. That night, however, had been an entirely different story.
Sakura woke up with a start, feeling as if she was being suffocated. It took a long moment for her sleep addled mind to understand that Madara's arms had tightened around her like a vice, his strong arms so tight around her that her cheek was flattened against his chest and her arms were pinned between their bodies.
His caging grip was desperate, as if his arms were the only thing keeping him from losing her. One of his hands dug into her hip so tightly that his fingertips stung and the other gripped her shoulder so roughly that she knew the skin beneath his fingers was bleached white.
Madara's voice may have been quiet and strained, and his racing heartbeat may have been fast and loud against her ear, but his words were as clear to her as if he had yelled them to her. While the names he muttered against the crown of her head were spoken so softly that they may as well have been silence, Sakura could never mistake even their whispers.
The names of Madara's dead brothers.
"-Shisa… so sorry, Kumo. Oshika, wait, don't..."
Sakura's heart dropped into her stomach at his near silent cries.
"Dara," she tried, trying to pull away from him only for his arms to wrap around her tighter. His hands held her even harder, his vice like grip on her hip and shoulder beginning to hurt.
"Dara," she tried again, this time louder. He didn't respond.
Sakura pulled out of Madara's too tight embrace just enough to release one of her hands. She tried to shake his shoulder but found he was holding her too tightly for her shaking to affect him.
"Dara!" she yelled this time, roughly patting him on the back in a desperate attempt to wake him from his nightmare.
Madara finally jolted awake with a gasp for air, his grip immediately loosening as he returned to consciousness.
"Sakura?" he asked after he finally returned to himself, drawing a sigh of relief from her.
When Madara realized how hard his hands were gripping her, he released her immediately.
"I… Damnit…" he muttered, tentatively brushing her skin where he had been gripping her so roughly, "I'm sorry…"
"It's okay… It's okay," Sakura comforted, finally relaxing once again now that her partner had awoken from his nightmare.
She took a deep breath to will her pounding heart to calm as she settled back against her lover's chest. She slowly wrapped her arms around him once again, wanting to show him without words that she loved him and was there for him, despite his nightmare having frightened her as well.
It felt unreal, hearing Madara's muttered cries as he whispered the names of his dead brothers. She could hardly imagine how painful his nightmare must have been for him to express such sorrow in the waking world. She had experienced her boys sleep talking before but it had never been like this...
Sakura realized that the series of events Madara had spoken of earlier that day must have something to do with the deaths of his loved ones but refused to push him by asking about it.
The Uchiha's entire body was as taut as a bowstring, every muscle beneath her hands wrought with tension. Even as he hesitantly returned her embrace, as if concerned if he was even allowed to, his body was strained. He didn't relax even as she started to card her fingers through his wild mane of hair in an attempt to bring him back to her and away from the dark place he had just emerged from.
"I…" Madara started quietly, his breath warm against the crown of her head, before going silent and taking a deep breath.
"I have done a great many atrocious things in my life…" he tried again before pausing for a long moment.
Sakura stopped in her finger combing of his hair to give him her full attention even as her heart began to race in her chest.
"Even though I did everything, do everything, for the sake of my family... sometimes it only hurts those I love," he explained in a low tone, his quiet voice and her slowly quickening breaths being the only things to fill the silence of his darkened bedroom, "Especially when I do something for the sake of revenge."
Madara paused once again, as if hoping that Sakura would stop him from continuing. Instead, she listened even more intently, even though she suddenly felt as if she were standing on the edge of a cliff. As if she was in the heart stopping moment before being delivered some terrible news. As if she were on the precipice of something great and horrible and that, if she didn't turn back, she would never be able to.
Whatever he had to say, Sakura knew that she needed to hear it.
When Madara finally spoke, his words stole the breath from her lungs. "I killed the Senju who killed my parents. The brother of this man came to my home, searching for me, and instead killed two of my brothers."
Sakura's entire body tensed as a dark wave washed through her. It felt like when she had been underwater for too long and wasn't sure if she would reach the surface in time. A distinctive panic as she found herself suddenly unable to breathe.
Not only had her lover just openly admitted to her that he had murdered the man who killed his own parents but that the murder of this man lead to the homicides of two of his six brothers. To have the unspoken knowledge that he had killed people was one thing, something she could almost ignore, but to hear him openly confess to her that he had murdered someone was entirely different.
When Madara continued to speak, Sakura wasn't sure that she was ready to hear what he had to say anymore.
"He pulled up outside of my house while we were mourning. Shot my brother Kuma who was outside smoking a cigarette. He kicked down my front door and was able to pull off two rounds before I shot and killed him. One hit my brother Shisa, who was standing right next to me... The other went through my arm."
Where the scar had come from...
"I survived but both Kuma and Shisa died that night, right in front of me, Izuna, Oshika, and Fugaku. Two of our brothers were killed not even a few days after both of our parents had been murdered… Oshika, he… couldn't handle it and hung himself out in the woods a year later."
Sakura's mouth popped open as if to speak but no words came out. She had no idea what to say in the face of his confession, her heart warring with itself. She was horrified by Madara's actions, by the fact he had killed a person, people. She was heartbroken to hear how he had suffered so much. How he had lost his parents and two of his siblings in less than a week because of the war with the Senju MC. How he had to live through one of his brothers committing suicide on the anniversary of the deaths of his brothers and parents.
And, beneath it all, she was astounded by how much he trusted her to admit such a thing to her.
What did someone say to that? What could she even say to that?
"Gods, you deserve more than this… More than a person like me…" he muttered into her hairline before nuzzling the top of her head.
Madara's arms were loose around her, as if he were prepared for her to pull away from him. His embrace was so tentative that it felt as if he was already saying goodbye.
Sakura was quiet for a long time as she absorbed the dark secrets he had just revealed to her, the tension within him growing tighter as the silence between them grew longer.
She tried to process what he had told her. The deeply held secrets that she had known but had never heard. The story of deaths of loved ones that tore at her heart. The tale of carnage and tragedy that left her feeling at odds with herself.
When she pulled away from him, Madara's arms slid away from her, allowing her to exit his embrace. She sat up on her elbows, gazing at her lover in the darkness of his bedroom, the only light being from the streetlights filtering in through his blinds.
Even in the dimness in his room, she could see the sorrow etched onto her lover's face. Anguish from not just the anniversary of the deaths of so many people he loved but heartache from her pulling away.
Sakura was reminded once again of a realization she had made months ago, an understanding she had wavered on so many times that she was always ashamed to return to it once again. Ever since she had discovered the meaning behind his tattoos, a part of her had been frightened. Frightened that he was some sort of madman, some sort of remorseless killer who lived the life he did for the fun of it.
But after her observations over the past month, realizing he suffered for what he did… Now that he had shown her how much he trusted her by finally giving her a piece of the truth that she so desperately needed… Now that she stared into his eyes in the blackness of his bedroom and saw how deeply he anguished over the loss of his loved ones…
Sakura realized once again that Madara was a man and not a monster.
When she leaned over him to press a gentle kiss to his lips, Madara stared up at her in shock and confusion.
"Thank you for telling me… I still… I don't understand your life or your family or this war and… and a lot of it scares me. Scares me because I'm terrified of losing you or Sasuke or any of my friends. But I know I love you. I love you and I'm here," she asserted softly, looking into his eyes, before settling down on top of him and pressing her cheek to his chest.
Even through his clothes, Sakura could feel how his heart raced.
"Why?" Madara finally asked, his tone one of disbelief and barely withheld emotion, "Why does a woman like you love a man like me?"
She took a few heartbeats to respond but, when she did, she spoke from the heart. "Because I don't think you're the monster you see yourself as."
At hearing her declaration, something within him gave in. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, one hand burying into her hair, as he held her as closely as he could. He buried his nose into her hair as her arms looped around his neck, her lover holding her as close to him as he could.
"I love you so much… And I..." Madara paused for a long moment, considering his words, before he spoke with a forlornness she had never heard in his voice before, "I'm trying to make it all stop. I just don't know how."
Sakura held him tighter, unable to find the words to reply. She felt as heat built behind her eyes and as her lungs fluttered with the ragged breath she dragged into her lungs.
She wasn't sure if any words had ever brought her such a sense of relief in her life.
Sakura chewed on the cap of her pen, her gaze unfocused as she stared down at the notes on her desk.
The fact that Madara was actually affected by the things he did both comforted her and made her feel ashamed of herself. Part of her felt that he should feel something for what he did. The other part of her felt ashamed. Ashamed that she was actually happy that he suffered.
She had realized that she wasn't happy that he suffered but was instead happy that he wasn't an unfeeling monster. That he was human and trapped in a war that he had no idea how to stop rather than an animal reveling as he pushed a war onward.
Sakura knew how much it must have taken to reveal something like that to her. How much Madara trusted her to admit what he had done, to talk about something that still destroyed him on the inside despite years having passed. To tell her how he had taken revenge on the person who killed his parents and how he bore the weight of the deaths of three of his brothers because he had given into his desire for retribution.
Despite this, despite the fact that he showed remorse for some of the things he had done that had resulted in the deaths of his loved ones and despite him saying that he was trying to put an end to it all, she still didn't feel as if she completely knew who he was. She knew she loved him for who he was beyond what he did but she still had questions that needed answers. Questions that she wasn't sure she should even ask but knew that she needed to. Questions she wasn't even sure how to ask.
She knew in her heart that he wasn't a monster. That he was more than just his past, more than a man in a war that had no right to exist in the first place. Even with these realizations, even with her knowing her lover wasn't a psychopath, she still felt a sense of unease around him.
It wasn't until just a few short weeks ago, when she lived through one of the darkest days of her life, that she finally broke past this unconsciously building unease with her lover.
It wasn't until Sakura felt as if her heart was being torn from her chest that she realized he was a man unlike any she had ever met. It wasn't until she felt as if she wanted to die that Madara had proved to her that he truly loved her and that he was there for her.
Sakura finally returned home to her cold, quiet, dark apartment well passed the time her twelve hour shift at the hospital had finished. The second she closed her front door, she sagged back against the wood, boneless and deeply exhausted.
She felt broken inside. She felt out of control. She felt like she would fall apart at the seams at any moment, as if the only thing holding her together was her filthy, blood splattered scrubs.
She wanted to fall to her knees and curl up into a ball on the floor. She wished that the world would stop spinning, that the clock in her living room would stop ticking, that her own heart would stop it's thunderous beating, that everything could just stop for just one minute so she could stop feeling this agony in her heart.
The sound of her phone vibrating roared in her ears, the sound grating on whatever was left within her. She weakly fished out her phone from the pocket of her stained scrubs, emotionlessly gazing down at the caller ID photo of her boyfriend. Even the candid picture she had taken of him fast asleep on her couch did nothing to improve her mood.
Sakura answered the call and, when she spoke, she felt as if it wasn't even her speaking. As if she were outside of her own body.
"Hey…" she greeted weakly, clearing her throat as she finally pushed off of her front door.
She dropped her purse onto the floor in front of her couch, uncaring, as she forced her legs to take her farther into her home.
"Hello, my little hellcat. How was your day at work?" Madara's warm voice replied on the other side of the line.
Sakura thought about her answer for a long moment. Her day was the worst she had ever had. She felt like she wanted to stop breathing. She had never felt more useless, more meaningless, or more ashamed in her life.
The only thing she was able to choke out was a broken, "Fine."
"Are you okay?" Madara asked seriously, his tone changing from warm and light to concerned.
"I'm fine, I just… I lost a patient today and I-" Sakura started to explain before her voice failed her.
She could no longer hold back the tears, her face burning and her throat tight. She dragged a desperate breath into her lungs in a useless attempt to hold back her tears but her efforts were all in vain. Hot tears poured down her face, her free hand trembling as she reached up to brush them away.
"Sakura?" he called out, worry coloring his voice.
"I'm fine, it-" she tried, her voice high pitched and weak as she tried to force out what she wanted to say through her tears. No matter how hard she willed it, she couldn't get the words out passed the lump building in her throat.
She wished that her tears would just stop along with everything else.
"It's okay, I just-" Sakura tried again, hardly able to speak at all as she took in a stuttering gasp of air only to release an unwilling cry.
"I'll be right there," Madara declared with a sudden determination as she tried to hide her sobs from the microphone of her cell phone.
"No, no, I'm fine, I..." she whimpered, her legs shaking under the strain of just holding her upright.
"Five minutes," he stated firmly before softly adding, "I love you."
When her phone beeped, indicating that the call had ended, she let her phone slip out of her hands and fall to the floor. She brought her hands to her face as she finally began to cry in earnest, tears streaming down her cheeks as she dropped to the floor as well.
It felt like only a heartbeat had passed when knocking sounded at her door. Sakura struggled to her feet, abandoning her phone on the floor as she dragged herself to her own front door. She wiped her face off on the long sleeve of her undershirt, ignoring the dried blood on her once pristine uniform.
Opening the door weakly, she was met with the concerned face of her lover. When her eyes met his onyx orbs, she could not hold back her sob, instead trying to hide it behind her hand. She dropped her face as her tears returned tenfold, her not wanting him to see her like this.
Madara wrapped himself around her in an instant, his arms tightly closing around her as she fell against his chest. Even though his clothes were cold from the ride over, his body was warm beneath them. He didn't say a word, instead holding her securely as she deflated in his arms. Her weak legs trembled beneath her and, when she sunk to the floor once again, he followed.
He pulled her into his lap and enfolded her in his strong arms as she cried in earnest. He held her against his chest, not caring about the blood and filth covering her scrubs or the tears soaking into the front of his shirt. One of his hands cradled the back of her head as she bawled, finally releasing her anguish.
Sakura had never felt so small. Not when she was taunted as a child and had no confidence in herself, not when that girl dragged her around by her hair and she thought she was too weak to save her friends, and not when she watched over Naruto in that hospital bed and wondered if he would still remember her when he woke up.
But among all of the terrible feelings ripping through her body, the shame, the feeling of weakness, the feeling of uselessness, the fear, the anguish… She felt an incredible sense of love and support.
The scent of Madara's leather cut and his woodsy cologne felt like she had finally come home even though she was already in her apartment. The feeling of his arms wrapped around her felt like the only thing keeping her from falling apart. The sound of his breathing and the sound of his heartbeat, in between her own sobs, was like a melody to soothe her own breaking heart.
"I-I'm covered in blood…" she whimpered against his chest, unable to come up with much else to say.
"You're more important," he stated simply, drawing another weak cry from her burning lungs.
With a suddenness faster than pain when one touched a hot iron, shame washed over her. She quickly pulled away, wiping her cheeks and her nose off on her sleeves.
Sakura had never been this vulnerable with a lover. She had never been able to be this vulnerable with her domineering parents. She had never even been this vulnerable with Naruto and Sasuke.
She hadn't been this weak in front of someone since she bawled under the taunting of those young girls, since she cried under the assault of that girl from Oto, since she sobbed over Naruto's hospital bed. The feeling of being so weak in front of someone after putting up such a strong front for so long made her want to run away.
"Gods, I'm so gross right now, I need to-I need a shower or something, I'm gunna go-" Sakura desperately tried to excuse, pulling out of his embrace.
Instead, Madara held her tighter, whispering against her hair, "Don't run away, Sakura. I'm right here for you. I love you and I'm not abandoning you."
Her hands trembled as they held onto his arms desperately, her body frozen in her attempt to escape. His words made her blubbering start once again, her lip trembling as tears fell down her cheeks in scalding streaks. When he gently pulled her back into his arms, she fell back against him.
When Sakura finally felt as if she was able to speak without her bawling stealing away her words, she tried to explain what had happened.
"I've never lost a child before… There was a car accident. The mother and her daughter died on impact but her boy… There was so much blood and-and before we could even get him to the surgical suite, h-he-" she cried before another wave of tears stopped her words.
She curled up into a tighter ball in his arms, pressing her face into his chest to hide her tears.
"He died in my arms, Dara... He was crying, asking for his mom, and I-I held him and watched him stop breathing a-and-!" she sobbed desperately, his fingers threading into her hair as he held her tighter.
"I'm so sorry, darling," Madara muttered against her hair.
"It feels like it's my fault. Like I could have done something different or I-" Sakura started, her hands fisting in his shirt as she finally admitted the source of her shame.
Madara pulled back to look into her eyes, his broad hands coming up to cradle her wet cheeks.
"It is absolutely not your fault. You are the most skilled, kind, and knowledgeable nurse I've ever met. If he died, there was nothing that could have been done," he asserted gently, his thumbs sweeping across her cheeks and wiping away the tear tracks.
"But I could have-" she tried shakily, another tear slipping free and dripping across the fingers that cradled her cheek.
"This is not your fault. I know that you did everything you could, that that boy was in the best hands in the world. He's lucky he had someone who truly cared to hold him as he passed," he continued, once again repeating, "This was not your fault."
Sakura sniffled, dropping her head to hide her red, snot streaked face from him. She pressed herself back against his chest, curling up against him as his arms looped around her once again.
They were both silent for a long few minutes, the only sound being her occasional sniffle and embarrassing mouth breathing as she finally began to calm down.
"I covered you in snot…" she muttered against his chest.
Madara huffed out a soft laugh and shook his head before resting his cheek on the crown of her head, "That's alright."
"What did I do to deserve a man like you?" Sakura finally asked, her words candid as her heart stood ripped open.
He smiled against her hair. "A goddess like you deserves more than a man like me could ever provide but I'll try my best to satisfy you how I am able."
Sakura sniffled hard, her eyes burning at Madara's confession.
"Damnit, you're going to get me started again."
Sakura had never felt more conflicted in all her years. She had no idea what to do. She had never loved a man like she loved Madara. She had never felt more happy, more respected, or more adored than when she was with him.
He had told her that he was trying to put an end to the war he was in but what if it never did end? He obviously still fought in the battles between the clubs so what could he be doing to end it? And what if he was able to end this war? He had still done horrible things in his past. His body was covered in gravestones.
When Sakura thought of leaving him, her heart clenched in her chest so tightly that it hurt to breathe. She knew that she would never be able to stop loving him. She knew that she had fallen for him with every piece of her heart and knew that, even if they were separated, that would never change.
When she thought of staying with him, she was terrified that she would be making the wrong decision. She was frightened that the war would never end.
She was terrified that one day she would be forced to watch him die.
Sakura shook off these thoughts in an attempt to focus on her studies once again. She had no time for these concerns, having shoved them all into the back of her mind to make room for more important issues. Her entire life hinged on these next tests and she needed to be prepared more than she needed to feel comforted.
She tried to take a sip from her luke warm coffee to fight the hunger pangs clawing at her insides but gave up when she couldn't remember which of the dozen cups on her desk was the newest. Sighing deeply, she decided that she would just eat another protein bar and start another pot of coffee when she finished this section.
Not even a sentence into the newest section, she was startled by a knock at her door.
She didn't remember ordering any food…
Sakura fished out her phone from beneath the mounds of papers and, when she pressed the home button, she discovered it was dead. She sighed once again as she stood, cracking her back from top to bottom as she stretched out for the first time in hours. She trudged over to her front door, cracking her knees and toes as she went, and checked the peephole in her front door.
She was shocked to see Madara on the other side and immediately opened her door to greet him. She thought she caught traces of a concerned expression on his face before it disappeared as a warm smile spread across his lips. Her own concerns were quickly assuaged when she smelt the delicious smelling bag of take out hanging from his hand.
"Looking beautiful as always," he greeted with a teasing smirk.
She glared up at him. "Oh shut up, you."
"I love you to," he replied, leaning down to peck her on the lips as he let himself in.
"What are you doing here?" Sakura asked, perhaps too bluntly from a lack of sleep, as she closed and locked the door behind him.
"I came to check up on you. Make sure you've eaten, bathed, slept…" Madara's eyes flicked across her form, the teasing smirk tugging at the corner of his lips saying 'looks like none of those things have happened'.
"I can take care of myself just fine, jerk!" she yelled, point an accusing finger at her lover.
"I know you can. But I also know that, when you get into your dedicated moods, you forget to," he explained sweetly, just smiling in the face of her anger.
"I'm fine. I'm just busy with studying for the next part of my exams," she huffed in response, crossing her arms across her chest.
"Mhmm. Then when was the last time you ate?"
"I ate this mor… Er… I ate, uh… Does coffee count?"
Madara huffed out a laugh as he dropped the bag of take out onto her living room table. "Aren't you supposed to be the doctor here? You know that not eating is just going to hurt your studies."
"Yeah, yeah," she grumbled, her stomach grumbling louder as he began unpacking styrofoam containers filled with food.
She didn't recognize the name on the side of the bag but she easily recognized the tantalizing scent of sushi wafting out of the boxes.
"Now go take a shower while I set these up."
"But I need to keep studying! I'm not even half way through the chapters on endocrine disorders and I still need to study the oncology chapters before the end of the night…"
"You aced the last test involving oncology and, just a month ago, you spent an hour lecturing Inabi about his diabetes and how he needed to adjust his diet or he'd have a hypoglycemic attack. You then went on to yell at Kagami for not keeping a stock of glucagon behind the bar and, when he asked what that even was, you continued for another half hour," Madara teased, laughing, "You can take a break to take a shower and eat something."
"I… You're not going to let me get away with studying, are you?" Sakura groaned, slumping her shoulders as she pouted at him.
"Absolutely not. Every coffee cup you own is sitting on your desk right now. You haven't left that chair in days, have you?" he questioned, quirking an eyebrow at her.
"I… maybe to pee," she admitted, glancing off to the side.
Madara snorted in amusement as he returned to his task. "Get in the shower, love. Food will be ready when you get out."
Sakura sighed deeply, turning around and trudging into her bedroom. She gathered up a change on comfortable clothes, this time making sure that they matched, before closing herself in her bathroom. She spun the knobs to her shower and, as the water heating up, stripped off her coffee stained pajamas. When she finally hopped into the shower and the hot water hit her chest, she groaned aloud in pleasure.
The tension in her body immediately drained out of her as she dunked her head into the hot spray and finally relaxed for the first time in days.
When Sakura emerged from her bathroom, feeling like a new person, the food was laid out across her living room table (he had even gotten her her favorite dessert: anmitsu) and Madara was flipping through her DVR looking for something to watch.
He smiled up at her as she approached, lifting his arm so she could settle into her spot against his chest. A spot she readily fell into and quickly became comfortable in.
It was Sakura's turn to fall asleep early this time, her quickly nodding off in his arms after stuffing herself on sushi and sweets.
She only woke up briefly when he carried her to her bedroom and tucked her into bed. She opened her eyes for a moment only to close them when when she caught sight of the new rings inked around Madara's arm as he changed into his fish print pajama pants.
Her thoughts from before returned with an intensity, her heart suddenly racing in her chest. She tried to think of how he had come to take care of her, to make sure she ate, bathed, and slept. That he had brought her take out and gotten her her favorite food. That he had made her take a break with him so she could finally recover. That he was going to stay the night and wasn't going to press for sex because he loved her.
Sakura focused on the fact that he told her he was trying to end the war, that he wanted it to stop, that he suffered for what he had done, that he wasn't a monster.
It was her exhaustion that allowed her to finally fall into a fitful sleep, her dreams a frightening mess of bloody hands and bloodier fields.
She wasn't sure if she was dreaming or not, but she could remember the sound of Madara's low voice in her ear. Him telling her that he loved her, that he would never allow anyone to hurt her, how he was sorry, and how he didn't want her to be scared.
Whether she was dreaming or not, it was the sound of his voice and the feeling of his fingertips brushing through her hair that finally allowed her to fall into a restful, dreamless sleep.
Sakura woke up at noon to an empty bed.
She had never felt more rested in her life and, when she spotted the clock on her bedside table and noticed what time it was, she realized why. She had no idea that she had needed to sleep so much.
She spotted her cell phone on her nightstand but didn't remember plugging it in. She realized that Madara must have put it on the charger for her and smiled at his thoughtfulness.
She unhooked her phone as she crawled out of bed and headed towards her bathroom, stretching out as she went. She dropped her phone on her bathroom counter as she relieved herself, brushing her teeth and cleaning up afterwards.
Sakura grabbed her cellphone as she made her way out into her kitchen, holding down the power button to switch the device back on. She knew it would take a few minutes before her phone actually connected to her wifi and her provider and paid it little mind as she waited.
As she passed through her hallway, she noticed the closet which contained her compact washer and dryer was open. Peering inside of her closet, she spotted her laundry basket sitting in front of her dryer. She popped open the dryer door and smiled when she saw it was full of freshly cleaned clothes, including Madara's pajamas from the night before.
She turned the knob on the dryer and let it run to smooth out any wrinkles in the clothes, smiling widely at her lover's continued thoughtfulness.
As she entered her kitchen and passed by her desk, noticing his next surprise for her, she was once again moved by the kindness of her boyfriend.
Her desk was cleared of all the dirty coffee cups, dishes, and garbage although none of her papers or study materials had been touched. She checked her cabinets and found everything had been washed and put away. Not only that, but when she went to start a fresh pot of coffee, she found everything clean and ready to go and her favorite mug already sitting in the tray.
Sakura felt so touched by all of the little, thoughtful things Madara had done for her that morning while she had been getting her first good night's sleep in weeks. She couldn't shake the smile from her face, her grin only widening when she noticed a note, written on the back on an envelope in her partner's neat handwriting, tucked underneath the edge of her coffee maker.
'I didn't want to wake you when I left since you needed the sleep so much. Club business. Your fridge is empty so there's a shipment of groceries being delivered to your apartment at 4. I figured you'd be awake by then. I'll be back tomorrow to make sure you're still eating. I love you'
Sakura smiled, running her thumb across the paper.
Her phone pinged a dozen times in a row as it finally connected to her provider, different noises indicating different messages that had been left behind for her. She checked her phone and was shocked by the sheer number of emails, missed calls, and texts she had waiting for her.
She opened her texts first, spotting the familiar names of Naruto, Sasuke, and Madara.
The dozen texts from Naruto from the day before yesterday was predictable to her, even though anyone else would be confused by the string of emojis and nothing more. Sasuke's single text shortly after was the more coherent of the two even though both of their messages were the same invitation to eat at Naruto's favorite ramen shop that night.
The last of Sakura's messages were three texts from Madara over the course of the previous day, ones that made her realize how long she had been sitting at her desk studying and how long her phone had been dead without her realizing.
'Good morning, hellcat. Are you busy today?'
'A new sushi restaurant opened up downtown and Izumi had obscene things to say about their anmitsu. Have you had lunch yet?'
'I know you're studying, but you do still have to eat. Did you lose your phone in your papers again?'
Sakura switched from her texts to her phone app and noticed a missed call from Naruto, one from Madara, and one from the last person she wanted to hear from at that moment.
She tapped on Naruto's name and put her phone on speaker as she started her pot of coffee.
Naruto's loud voice boomed out of her speaker and she had to turn down her volume a couple notches just to listen.
'Hey, you're really missing out, Sakura! They started making that ramen you really liked agaaain. You better come out of your dungeon soon, I haven't seen you in forever! You've missed all of our workout sessions for the past two weeks! Call me back! Oh, and asshole says hi.'
Sakura heard Sasuke start to yell something explicit in the background of the message before Naruto hung up, drawing a laugh from her.
She tapped on her lover's name and the sound of his soothing baritone echoed out of her phone at a much more reasonable volume.
'Hey, hellcat, I haven't been able to get ahold of you all day and now your phone is dead. I'm coming over with food since I get the feeling you haven't eaten or slept for a couple days. I love you. See you soon.'
Despite the voicemail being so innocuous, she couldn't help but notice the thread of concern in Madara's voice.
As Sakura stood in her kitchen, looking at her clean desk and listening to the whirl of her dryer, she felt overwhelmed by his love for her.
The fact he had been so concerned for her well being that he had surprised her with dinner when he went to check up on her. That he cared about her so much that he had helped her with her laundry and even done her dishes as she slept. That he loved her so much that he had a shipment of groceries being sent to her apartment just so he was sure she would have something to eat.
Her satisfaction was quickly dampened when she looked down at her phone and once again noticed the final voicemail waiting for her. The message she was hesitant to even open.
Sighing deeply, and deciding it was best just to get it over with, much like ripping off a band aid, Sakura tapped on the final voicemail. There was a brief pause before a feminine voice with a thick accent began playing through her speaker.
'Good morning, Sakura! You haven't called or visited your loving mother and father in months! How are you, are you a doctor yet? Oh, quite a funny story, one of my coworkers told me that they saw you on the back of one of those depraved Uchiha MC's bikes. Funny, hm? Call me back!'
Sakura sighed as she removed her fresh cup of coffee from her coffee maker, the feeling of satisfaction abating a little bit from the voicemail that had been left behind by her mother.
As if she didn't have enough to worry about.