The hardest point of writing is seeing the blank page staring back at you, as if it's daring you to mar its perfect surface with bad plot, and terrible writing.
This story has taken a life of its own and is progressing differently from what I had planned but I don't really mind. The start of this chapter is full of angst again but then the ending changes the tune of the chapter, I hope anyway.
As much as I wish I did, I don't own a thing.
Bang.
The first ball of light exploded in the air above the crowd as Kate herself imploded. It was as sudden as the fireworks themselves, she was being attacked from the inside of her mind out. With each bang she could feel the bullet ripping through her chest, and with the next she could see it happening to Rick, Lanie, Esposito, Ryan.
Rick had caught her arm as she began to slouch, gasping for breath in between the uncontrollable sobs, Kate leant heavily on him. As he lead her further away from the crowd and the fireworks the tears didn't stop, neither did the memories.
The sound of the explosions slowly diminished as they walked away. Luckily the crowd was too entranced with the fireworks to pay much attention to the bawling detective.
When they finally stopped moving Kate barrelled into his chest, grabbing large handfuls of his shirt in her clenched fists to remind herself that he was there, alive and so was she. He wrapped his arms around her small frame, resting his chin on her hair as he held her tight against him.
They were all alone in the full parking lot, with the lights of the fireworks reflecting off the cars around them. The small floodlights provided little light but neither really minded, they weren't scared of what they might find in the dark, it would be nothing compared to the monsters in their own minds.
Neither wanted to talk, they just wanted the comfort of the other. Kate needed to feel that he was okay and that he was still there with her. Rick needed to feel like he was helping her, he needed to see that she was there, no matter how broken the mind.
He stood there scolding himself for not thinking about the chances of this happening, how could he be so stupid? Fireworks, explosions, gun shots. Wasn't he the king of the dramatic, shouldn't he have gone over every possible situation?
They stood in the deserted car park for what seemed like hours but couldn't have been more than a few minutes because the fireworks were going on behind them when they snapped out of the trance. As Kate's sobs subsided into something controllable Rick felt the fight go out of her, she fell against him, the strain of her emotions had taken what little she had.
She needed to talk, to tell someone her problems. 'The explosions, I thought it was happening to you. That you were shot, that Lanie, Esposito, Ryan, everyone was shot. I couldn't forget those last few moments, lying on the grass with you looking down at me. I don't want to remember it in any way other than I do now.'
He hadn't wanted to bring the shooting up but now that she had Rick could satisfy his curiosity. 'What do you remember?'
'You – you said that you love me. I don't want to think that I went down without those words ringing in my ears.'
He didn't respond straight away because for the moment words were failing him. 'You don't have to remember it any other way.'
'I do Rick, I know that I do.' Kate sighed sadly and let her face fall back onto his chest. 'I just want to put off getting better so that we can be together even if it is just in my own mind.'
'Kate, look at me.' When she wouldn't remove her face from the front of his shirt he pulled her away slightly until she looked up at him, not quite looking him in the eye. 'You need to get better, because until you get better neither of us can be truthful because at the moment nothing seems certain.'
She bit her lip but spoke defiantly. 'I don't want certain. I want what I have.'
'What do you have Kate?' Despite her rise in tone his voice was still calm, almost too calm.
Blushing she mumbled into his shirt, 'I have a promise that you'll be a man, grab me, make out with me, and make beautiful babies.'
He smiled slightly, it was bittersweet really. She wanted him now and he had to resist, but once she remembered he'd want her and she'd be rejecting him once again. As Kate moved her hands slightly against his top to fiddle with a button a firework reflected off the ring on her ring finger, catching his eye. Threading his fingers through hers he had a better look at it. 'Why do you wear the ring?'
She mumbled her response, not ready to lie but no longer uncontrolled enough to burst out with the truth. 'Because I want it to be the ring you gave me.'
If he was being honest he has already known that was the reason but he still felt like he should be shocked. Maybe it was the fact that he was the one who wanted it to be an engagement ring from him. He wanted desperately to tell her that he loved her, and that he wanted to marry her but she was confused and hurt. When she finally remembered would they revert back into this confusion? With her confused about his feelings, wondering what was real and what was fake.
With his sudden pensiveness she was given time to think, to remember or was it to imagine?
They were settled on the couch in LA, mourning the loss of Royce. He could tell that she was hurting, and was beating herself up for anything and everything that she could think of. 'You know what I thought when I first met you?' Kate looked up, breaking her train of thought. 'Hmm?'
'That you were a mystery I was never gonna solve.' He linked his fingers through hers along the back of the couch and continued smiling a little bit more as he spoke. 'Even now, after spending all this time with you I'm … I'm still amazed at the depth of your strength, your heart … and your hotness. She smiled at him, thankful for the lighter mood. 'You're not so bad yourself, Castle.'
Both looked deep into the other's eyes, searching for something. Kate looked disappointed when Rick broke the connection and pulled something out from the cushion behind him. She couldn't see what he was holding but it wasn't bigger than his hand. When he went to move off the couch and onto one knee Kate took in a sharp breath.
'Rick, what are you doing?'
'Kate, I know that this isn't the most romantic setting, but it's intimate and beautiful just like you always wanted. I wanted to wait until it was the right time but now I just can't, I can't imagine living my life without you. You are the most extraordinary woman that I've ever met, you're beautiful, smart, sophisticated and just perfect. Katherine Anne Beckett, will you marry me?' He flipped the lid on the small ring box with a nervous smile on his face.
Kate stuttered, 'Rick, I don't know what to say.'
'Yes, say yes.' He could tell that she was nervous but he couldn't take it back now, he'd made his move and now it was up to her.
'I – I can't.' She paused as the sadness took over his face. Unable to stand the pain she placed a small hand along his jaw line and tried to clarify. 'We've only been dating for a few months, what if we don't work out? I'm not like you Castle, I don't want to give it a shot and if that doesn't work just get a divorce. I want it to be one and done.'
Desperation filled his voice as sadness filled his eyes. 'I will be your one and done Kate.'
'Not yet Rick.' Kate looked down at him smiling slightly. 'I want you to be but just let me be ready.'
'Not yet means some day, and I can live with the promise of some day.' He leant into her hand on his face and smiled, defeated.
Kate pulled him back up off the floor, watching as he closed the ring box that was still in his hand. 'Come on Rick, it's late let's go to bed.'
The lights were dim on the large plane, with most people already out for the night, one of those being the man beside her. She rummaged through her carryon till she found the letter from Royce. She'd been able to bring him justice, she even got close to revenge, scarily close. It was only his words from many years ago that had made her stop, he'd told her that revenge is never worth having blood on your hands and she knew he'd have been disappointed if she had pulled the trigger. It would surprise many to know that at times Royce was wise, it came from being an observer, he saw things that most people didn't.
Kate had already lost count of the number of times that she'd re-read the letter, so much so that she no longer needed it in front of her to recite it word for word but having it there served as a memory of him. She traced her finger down the lines of the letter until she reached the end, hesitating over the last few lines.
And now for the hard part, kid. It's clear that you and Castle have something real. And you're fighting it. But trust me. Putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder, if only.
If only. Kate pondered the words as she looked over at Rick sleeping beside her, still holding the letter loosely in her hands. She didn't want to be left to wonder if only but was it really worth the risk? Royce had seen it a year ago, when they were nothing more than friends and colleagues. If they were strong enough for others to see that there was something there maybe they could make it. Would the rewards be worth the risk? Was he still right? Was it her turn to risk her heart?
Kate smiled slightly as she folded the letter, he was right as always. She had been offered her chance at 'one and done', and she didn't want to have the chance to think 'if only.' Deep down she knew that it would work out, he'd proven again and again that he was there for her. She had attempted to push him away again and again but each time, without fail, he would fight his way back in.
She felt for the small box that she knew was in the pocket of his jacket, closing her fingers around it she pulled it out. Flipping the lid to the velvet box made her heart flip, in the best way possible. She slipped the ring on her finger, taking a close look at it for the first time.
It was perfect, not the usual flashy diamond one would expect from Richard Castle but it was exactly what she would have wanted, simple but beautiful. Not only did it look beautiful bit with it on her finger she felt empowered, if that was possible. She'd taken a risk, something that a week ago she wouldn't have imagined possible. She'd offered up a piece of herself forever and for some reason was yet to regret it. With a content smile on her face she placed a hand on his chest and rested her head on his shoulder, letting the quiet of the plane lull her into a peaceful sleep.
When the flight attendants woke them for landing Rick almost didn't see the change. If it hadn't been for the flicker of light bouncing off the ring he wouldn't have seen it. Catching her hand in his he marvelled at it before looking at her expectantly. 'Does this mean you're ready?'
Kate grinned joyfully. 'Yes Richard Edgar Castle, I will marry you.'
He captured her in a passionate kiss as the whole first class section of the plane applauded around them bemused at the odd proposal.
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Oh and if you caught the slight quote from a Stana Katic interview you're awesome.
So updates over the next two months updates will be sporadic at best, because I'm having a week's holiday then constant work pretty much and then another one in November while doing NaNoWriMo and trying to finish off all my schoolwork before the holiday in November. I hope that I'll be able to crank out a heap before I get too busy so that I can still update, just with something that I wrote earlier. I'll be like one of those TV presenters, 'here's one I prepared earlier'. But I just thought I'd say so that you know I'm not giving up on the story if I haven't updated in a while.
Thanks for all the reviews, favourites and alerts! They all make me feel so special!