~ Solar Flare ~

Chapter Eleven - Lambda

Zoe woke feeling groggy, eyes sticky and heavy from crying herself to sleep. Of all the things she'd thought Donner might say, what he'd actually said hadn't been one of them. It had hurt, more than she wanted to admit. She gritted her teeth and began to get ready for the day. Fine. Donner didn't care. She didn't need him. She'd been given another chance and damned if she was going to make the same mistake again.

The atmosphere in the room was tense as Ted led the usual morning briefing. Considering only she, Donner and Evram knew about the pregnancy, she wondered why the others seemed uncomfortable.

Ted looked tired, as if he hadn't slept in a long while. Evram stared at a spot across the room, appearing lost in his own thoughts. Donner stared out the window, mind a million miles away if she had any ability to read him at all. Jenn looked far off as well; Zoe wondered if she'd had any luck contacting Rollie but figured the answer was probably no. Her friend always looked happier when she was in contact with the ones she loved. Loneliness didn't suit her. Even Nadia looked as though she wasn't all there.

Wass and Paula were the only ones who didn't fit the mold. They both had smiles and sparkly eyes and as Zoe watched them, they stole small glances at one another. Paula and Wass? I suppose ... She thought about the times she'd seen them together and in hindsight realized that their prickly attitude towards on another might have been masking a different feeling that was growing between them. Not unlike you and Donner back in the beginning. She quashed the thought, stealing a quick peek at him. There is no me and Donner. Never has been. Never will be. She'd never been good at hardening her heart and though she'd learned to conceal her feelings from others, inside she still hurt, and probably always would.

"Any questions?"

Too late, Zoe realized she hadn't heard a word Ted had said. She looked around apologetically but everyone else seemed to be in a similar position. They all had slightly embarrassed looks on their faces.

"Did anyone hear a word I said?" Ted looked annoyed at first, then he chuckled. "Do we all need a day off, or what?"

Donner finally swung his eyes down to join the rest of the group. "You know, that's not such a bad idea. We've been all go-go-go for the last six weeks and maybe we don't realize just how much stress we've been under. A vacation day could be just what we need."

Zoe expected Nadia to come out with some comment about it freeing them up for more recreation, winking at Donner as she did so, but as she glanced over at her, she saw nothing but sadness on the other woman's face. I wonder if Donner's giving her the cold shoulder too? Even as the thought struck her she realized Donner was right. She needed this day for herself. She couldn't focus.

"I agree. I think we could all use a break."

All sets of eyes turned her way, some questioning, some smiling. She smiled and shrugged. "Who doesn't enjoy playing hookey now and then?"

Ted smiled, showing dazzlingly white teeth. "Then it's settled. Everyone scram and go find something fun to do. It may be your only vacation day for a long, long time so don't waste it."

"What about Eve? And Goss?" Jenn finally spoke up.

"I'll handle them. It's one of the 'perks' of being the mission commander."

Jenn smiled at him and Zoe felt uncomfortable as the vibe between them suddenly reminded her of the way things used to be when they'd been a couple. Oh no, don't even think of going there, she admonished her friend silently, mind forgetting about her own problems as it followed the new track it had found to its logical conclusion. Somehow she had to find a way to talk to her friend. Jenn had absolutely no willpower when it came to men. One smile and she turned into a puddle. Zoe didn't want to see two good marriages ruined because Jenn was feeling lonely and needy.

* * * * *

The first thing Donner did with his day off was to have a date with the treadmill. He ran harder and faster than he had in a long time, trying to forget about the new tangle in his life, but all he could see was a vision of Zoe from his dream - naked and pregnant - in his mind. He wished he could wipe it away. He'd spent enough fruitless hours thinking about her, knowing that as much as a small part of him deep inside wanted to be with her and only her, a bigger part was still skittish about letting anyone get too close to him. He wanted, but he wasn't willing to let himself have. It was his own personal hell that he'd voluntarily accepted and had dwelled in since their first meeting. This new development was squeezing the walls of that virtual prison a lot closer though and he was feeling awfully uncomfortable.

He decided to take another shower - wash away the sweat - and go back to his room to spend some alone time. Watch some TV, do some reading ... something to help him relax and forget about the current situation.

The reading went over well and he spent a good hour engrossed in a mystery novel. The TV watching wasn't as successful. He couldn't find anything in the archives that struck his fancy so he put it on random. A Christmas Carol, the movie adaptation from Dickens' novel was what came up. What the hell, he thought. It'll be Christmas soon. So he settled down to watch. But the theme of ghosts and visions made him uncomfortable as he kept seeing his own dream flashing before him and wondering about it took his mind off the movie. Is it symbolic of the past? How I lost Zoe and the baby by making it clear to her that I wasn't interested in any sort of commitment? Or is it symbolic of the future? Am I going to lose Zoe and this baby? Literally or just because I'm still emotionally distant? Or, as the movie suggests, are these just the shadows or the things that are yet to come but are able to be changed?

He shut off the movie angrily and left his quarters to see if he could find something else to distract him.

* * * * *

Evram went to his quarters as soon as the briefing was over, making sure the sliding door was locked against impromptu visitors. He punched in the code for Clare's terminal, using a private channel.

"Ev!" she said cheerfully as she tuned in. "Miss you."

"Miss you too," he said, forcing a quick smile. "Can we talk? Alone?"

She gave him a curious look, peeking over and noticing the private communication channel. "It's pretty quiet here today. Goss and Eve are upset about something but they've taken it to her office. I don't know how long they'll be ... "

"Long enough. I'm sending you something. A scan I did yesterday."

Her eyebrows crinkled. "Wouldn't I have gotten it automatically?"

"I kept it private until we could talk about it."

She looked as if she wanted to ask more questions but he kept his lips shut tightly, sending her the information and allowing her to read it before saying anything.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"You were right when you said things were going to be changing up here. They are, faster than I can keep up."

"This is phenomenal. Absolutely amazing. You know this is a medical first, don't you?" She was obviously thrilled with the news.

"I do. It's astounding and incredibly hope-giving from a purely scientific standpoint."

"But?"

"But it's actually happening. Zoe is pregnant. We're not equipped to deal with birth, infants and children. We're too far away to just run out to the drugstore because we don't have something we need."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"Yes. No. Maybe. I know abortion is illegal and even if it weren't, I'm not in favour of it, save in the most exceptional of circumstances."

"Well this circumstance is definitely exceptional," Clare agreed. "But this is Zoe ... she's already had an abortion once in order to stay in the program. Telling her she has to do it again? I'm not sure I could do that."

"I'm not suggesting we 'tell' her to do anything."

"Then what are you suggesting?"

"I don't know." Evram shrugged. "I've known for exactly twelve hours. I gave her some time to tell Donner ... "

"He's the father?" she interrupted. "Again?"

Evram nodded. "But you and I are going to have to tell the others. Soon."

"Talk about the shit hitting the fan."

They stared at one another in grim understanding. "Maybe the best way to approach this is to stress the scientific value. The how and why, the miracle it is, and how we might be able to use it to further medicine in the future."

He nodded. "But there's still the immediate necessity of dealing with Zoe and her baby."

"True. But maybe Goss won't blow a gasket if we can show him the good side."

* * * * *

"This crew needs a break," Ted insisted. "They've worked long, hard hours with little rest and six weeks of that is taking its toll on them. They're distracted and having difficult focusing. Nothing useful would get done today anyway."

"Are Beta and Gamma having an effect on you?" Eve asked.

"Perhaps. No one has said anything about their hallucinations but it wouldn't surprise me. Whatever those objects are, they're powerful psychics."

"Are your people going to be able to handle it? We're only six weeks into a six year mission. Things can't be falling apart already or ... " Goss left the thought unsaid.

"They'll be fine," Ted insisted. "We'll be fine. So long as we make time to rest now and then."

"Fine. A day off it is. But see that you're back to work tomorrow."

Goss left Eve's office, leaving husband and wife alone to talk. "Isn't he just a ray of sunshine?"

Eve smiled. "He's under a lot of stress."

"So are the rest of us. He's not the only one keeping this secret and all of us up here have to keep our tongues in check all the time since much of our days are lived on-camera."

"I know," she said softly. "The rest of us here know that too. Mike just forgets sometimes."

"He needs to forget that he isn't the centre of the universe," Ted growled. "Sometimes I think it would have been a lot better if we'd left him behind on Mars."

"I'm sure we all feel that way about him sometimes. But he gets the job done, which is what counts. And he makes a good buffer between us and the government."

"I'll give you that."

Eve smiled again. "How are you doing honey?"

* * * * *

"So what did I do wrong this time?" Ted said cheerfully as he entered the med bay in response to Evram's summons. "Gained a pound because I've been lazy and haven't gone running these last few days?"

Evram smiled tightly. "No, nothing like that. It's not about you at all." Ted's eyebrow raised questioningly. "It's your position as mission commander."

All jocularity dropped from Ted's face. "What's the matter?"

"This is the matter." Evram pointed at the computer screen, allowing the other man to figure it out for himself.

"Someone's pregnant," Ted said to himself. "Six weeks along. But who ... " He looked up at the top of the screen. Zoe? Zoe is pregnant?"

"Uh huh."

"How is that possible? I thought ... "

"We all thought," Evram interrupted. "But a miracle occurred here and she's been given a second chance to have children."

"You mean ... everything that was taken out has grown back?"

Evram nodded.

"Holy shit."

The two men stood in silence while Ted digested the information. "You know we have to tell Goss."

"I know."

"You know what he's going to say."

"Yes I do."

There was something in Evram's voice ... "You don't agree?" Ted questioned.

Evram took a deep breath. "I'm on the fence. I know it's a bad idea, that we're not prepared for it. But I hate taking a life. I swore an oath to save lives, even unborn ones. But I think what's more important is how Zoe feels about it. She terminated a pregnancy in the early stages of training and has obviously had regrets about that decision. I don't know if she'll be willing to give up another child for the program."

"She may not have a choice."

Evram said nothing.

"I'll talk to Zoe before I tell Goss," Ted said with a sigh.

"You might want to talk to Donner as well."

"He's the father? Sheesh, that man gets around. He could use two HALO's."

Evram smiled at Ted's dig but his mind was already miles away. Obviously something wants them to have a child together. Some power that knows something we don't, possibly? He'd never believed in God or some all-knowing being that had created the universe but he was definitely beginning to think there were things out there beyond his comprehension that needed acknowledging. The human race had always considered itself to be intelligent and all-knowing but maybe this trip was showing them just how much they really didn't know.

~ TBC ~