A/N: Sorry for the delay, work got in the way. Thank you to everyone who has commented and added my story as a favorite, it is incredibly humbling to hear all the great comments. Even though Sookie is a vampire, she still has a lot of "human" issues that she needs to work on, the biggest being dealing with the sexual abuse.
All Characters belong to Charlaine Harris….
Previously…
"I don't love Sam like that. He's like a brother to me." She said quietly.
"I don't know how to resolve this Sookie, but I'm in hell right now, a hell that I created for myself. We will work this out I swear, just please tell me that you want to stay with me." I begged, fucking begged. Thousand year old Viking vampire sheriff and I was begging a 21 year old vampire to stay with me.
"I never wanted to leave in the first place, but I'm not going to stop seeing Callum at least not until I have to." She said more confidently. And for the first time in a week, I felt optimistic. I would see to it that I change her mind about continuing to see Callum.
Chapter 11- SPOV
Callum and I had trained for about a week, and I was starting to come into my own as far as my powers were concerned. Callum was a great teacher, since he had already experienced everything that I was currently going through. He was patient with me and taught me some great techniques for teleportation, summoning, and shapeshifting.
One night, I was even able to make the wind pick up pretty significantly. Out of all of my newfound abilities, the one that I liked the best was the ability to summon items to me. The only problem with it was that it had to be tangible, meaning that I couldn't just dream up something, it had to be something currently in existence. Callum brought his laptop out one night and pulled up the Saks Fifth Avenue website, and I found a very pretty white satin dress that I wanted. With his help, I was able to summon the dress to me. I thought about Pam, and how she would just love me for this particular ability.
I felt guilty for overusing that ability since I felt like I was stealing. I was a humble girl, so I didn't really feel the need to have such extravagant possessions, but I still loved that I could do it.
Teleportation is a really odd feeling. You feel tingly all over and it's almost like the life is being sucked out of you, but the feeling only lasts a millisecond until you arrive to your destination. Callum told me the key is that you have to know exactly where you want to go and in order to do that you had to have seen the place before either physically or in your mind.
With every power, there are weaknesses; one cannot be too powerful elsewise the balance of the universe would be off, at least that's what Callum said. I guess it's for that reason that using my abilities makes me incredibly weak, and when I am weak I become vulnerable to an attack. Callum told me he rarely uses his abilities because of how weak it makes him.
Eric watched our training session the first night, but I noticed that he felt a little left out. He never stayed for another session. I felt bad about that, I didn't want to exclude him from such a big part of my life. Apart from more recent incidences, I was actually growing incredibly fond of Eric. His care and concern for me, however, was overshadowed by his petty jealousy.
Callum and I started growing closer by the day. We had so much in common, we could keep each other company during the day, and we could practice our abilities with one another. I could tell that he led a pretty lonely existence in Ireland, mostly keeping to himself. He said he hadn't been in a relationship with anyone in over 400 years, but he did admit to taking random bedmates on occasion.
It was the end of our first week of training together and we were scheduled to be at Fangtasia in an hour. We had just finished practicing teleportation, when Callum told me that he could only spend one more week here with me. He said that he had some important obligations to attend to back home, but he didn't elaborate on what those obligations were.
For the most part, Callum's life was sort of a mystery to me. He told me that he spent a lot of time alone, but he never explained what he did with himself in his free time.
"Come stay with me for a while." Callum pleaded. I was shocked when he asked me that. We had grown close, sure, but not that close. Certainly not close enough to leave Jason, Sam and to some extent Eric.
"I..I can't do that." I stammered.
"Why not, Eric won't miss you. You're nothing to him, he doesn't understand you the way I do. Sookie we are one in the same." He said indignantly. I automatically felt the need to defend Eric. Although I didn't exactly know what I was to Eric, I knew I wasn't nothing. He took such good care of me the night of the trial and the night at Compton's house. If I was nothing to him, he wouldn't have cared enough to try to kiss me.
"I can't leave my brother and Sam, they are my family." I huffed in exasperation. I had told Callum a lot about my childhood and working at Merlotte's so he knew how much I loved my family. I also chose to ignore his comments about Eric.
He looked at me disappointingly but I think he understood my reasoning. Truth is, even without the excuses, I'm not sure that I would want to go stay with him. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy having company during the day, but spending 24 hours a day 7 days a week for all eternity with the same person just seemed a little bit too claustrophobic to me.
I would miss Callum still, it was nice to have someone close to commiserate with. I liked Callum, he was kind and understanding and most of all patient.
"I understand Sookie, really I do, but I find that I will...miss you deeply." He said with quiet passion. Then he pulled me to him and placed his lips on mine. At first the kiss was reverent and filled with longing, but it quickly deepened into a more passionate need. His tongue massaging my own in a sinfully lustful way that made my lower half blaze with need.
I pulled away from his embrace and stared into his beautiful blue eyes. We had innocently flirted, sure, but I was wholly unprepared for the kiss. It was passionate, and if I were a normal person, I would have let it move to something more physical, but I had not been intimate with anyone willingly in my entire life dead or undead. This was a huge step for me, one that I was unsure that I was ready to take.
"We need to go to Fangtasia, Eric is expecting me." I said as I stepped away from Callum's embrace.
As it turned out, I was not needed behind the bar tonight, so I sat in Eric's booth with Callum. He was asking me about my family, and I told him the basics. Parents died when I was young, went to live with my grandmother, only have a brother left, etc…
I could feel Callum's eyes bore deeply into mine, his eyes filled with lust and need. He wanted me, he hoped that something would have happened earlier when we kissed. I could tell that he wanted to ask me something.
He grabbed my hand and rubbed small circles on my palm with his thumb as he looked me in the eyes.
"Princess, would you consider staying with me tonight? We could spend the whole day together." He asked gently and full of hope. I knew he would ask that eventually, and I also knew that he was hoping to take whatever relationship we had formed one step further. I was not entirely against getting physical with him, but I was nervous about it and scared at the same time.
"I will need to ask my maker for permission." I said meekly and gave him a slight smile. Some part of me was hoping that Eric would say no, that way I wouldn't have to face my fears and confront my past experiences. Besides that, shouldn't I be more excited at the prospect of having sex with a gorgeous man? Oddly enough, I found myself wanting it to be Eric who asked me what Callum had just asked.
Despite his attitude last week, I have come to the realization that he has never not gotten what he has wanted and I was slowly beginning to realize that what he wanted was me. For what, that remains to be seen, but that would explain his irrational jealousy.
I left Callum sitting in the booth while I walked over to Eric. He was sitting on the throne but he watched my every more as I came closer and closer to him.
"Eric, can I speak with you in private?" I asked apprehensively. He must have heard my earlier exchange with Callum because he seemed to know what I was going to ask before i asked. I could tell this because he let out an unnecessary sigh and I noticed a hint of defeat in his facial expression.
I followed him to his office where I perched myself in front of his desk. We stared at each other for a good minute before I broke the silence.
"Eric, I would like your permission to spend the day with Callum." I didn't ask him if I could spend the day with Callum. I had a feeling it didn't matter anyway he would just say no.
"I see." He said in defeat. He looked as if I told him I was moving to Australia or something.
"Are you seeing him?" he asked as he stared in my eyes measuring each movement I made as if he were trying to gauge my feelings for Callum.
"Not that it's any of your business, but yes. He is kind to me and he treats me well." I exaggerated. Callum and I weren't seeing each other per se, we were flirting and that was about the extent of it. Why I lied to him? I don't know, maybe I subconsciously wanted him to be jealous enough to deny my request. It was silly of me to agree to spend the day with Callum, knowing that I really wasn't ready for whatever physical relationship he wanted from me.
Eric sat back in his chair contemplatively tenting his fingers as he stared at me for a while. Whatever emotions or feelings he had were lost on me, his faced gave nothing away.
As I sat there awaiting his answer, I found myself wishing I could turn back the hands of time. If I could, I would go back to the night after we burned down Compton's house, I would have done things so much differently. I would have made my relationship with Sam clear to Eric. I would have done more to get to know Eric, to spend time with him.
Bringing me out of my musings, Eric solemnly said. "If that is what you truly wish, I cannot deny you."
That was not what I truly wished for, what I wished for was for Eric and I to be okay, things between us had gotten so messed up, so much so that I was not sure they could be repaired.
I nodded at him in appreciation and left his office. I found Callum sitting in the same spot I left him. He appeared to be in downtime. I nudged his shoulder slightly smiling at him nervously. He understood that Eric had given his approval, so he got up and grabbed my hand entwining his fingers in mine as we left the club.
I noticed Pam watching our movement carefully; she actually scowled at me as we walked out. I know that she wanted me to be with her maker, but she also had to understand that Eric had not exactly gone about things the right way.
As we got into Callum's rental car, he had a look of excitement plastered across his face. I found myself wishing that I could mirror his expressions, but I found that I just couldn't.
Callum put his hand on my knee as we drove silently to one of Eric's safe houses that he allowed Callum to use. The irony of the situation was not at all lost on me. I had driven away from Eric in the arms of someone who Eric had summoned to help me with my skills. Not only that, but we were going to one of Eric's domains presumably to have sex. I could see how Eric would be jealous, if the roles were reversed, I don't know how I would handle the situation.
Callum's hand never moved from my knee, so I didn't protest the contact. I had not told Callum anything about my torture or the fact that sex was an extremely touchy subject for me due to my past experiences with Uncle Bartlett and Bill. Somehow I knew the subject would eventually come up tonight.
As we arrived to the house Callum was staying in, the first thing I noticed about the house was that it was very much Eric. The wall colors, the artwork, the coffee table book of Vikings. Everything about this house screamed Eric. I found it very difficult to think of Callum when I was surrounded by Eric. He even had swords mounted to the walls.
Callum and I sat on the couch, which was an oversized soft brown leather couch with Mahogany inlays, so very Eric. Callum looked at me expectantly; he had his body leaning into mine as if he was going to pounce on me. He put his hand on my knee again, and if I had a heart, it would be beating out of my chest. I was in full on vampire panic attack mode.
Callum gently put his hand on my cheek, leading my face to meet his.
"What has you so nervous Princess?" He said gently. How could I explain this to him without coming across as completely damaged.
"Look Callum, I may not be that experienced, but I know what agreeing to go home with a guy means. I need to tell you something and I don't want you to react badly to it." I said cautiously and I clenched and unclenched my fists nervously.
"You know you can tell me anything princess." I was starting to hate the fact that he called me princess all the time. I remember my father calling me that all the time as a child.
"Alright, well. I need you to know that I have never ever had sex…willingly." I said ashamedly looking away from him.
"Fuck Sookie! That is horrible! How did that… What… Who… I will murder them." He stammered angrily. I wasn't sure if I liked his reaction, but I certainly liked the fact that he was willing to kill whoever wronged me in that way.
"Without going into details, the people responsible are no longer alive." I was able to reign in my emotions a little better with this response.
"People?" he said furiously.
"Yes, please, I don't want to make a big deal about it, but you can understand my trepidations with what's going on between us." I really didn't want to get into it with him. The only person that I would ever allow the details would be Eric, and that was only because he saw first-hand thanks to the disgusting videos.
"Sookie, I would never hurt you. I promise you this; whatever happens between us will be because he both want it to happen. I will make sure that you are comfortable and happy." He said taking my hand in his as he gently brushed back the hair from my face.
I was touched by his words, but honestly I didn't expect anything less from him. He really was an honorable vampire and he really wanted to have me as a companion.
He placed gently kisses on my forehead and we sat on the couch. With each passing moment, Callum added more physical contact all in an attempt to make me feel comfortable.
He placed soft kisses along my jawline then his lips met mine in a soft kiss that was meant to ease my mind. I found that I wanted to see where this went, so I parted my lips allowing our kiss to deepen slightly. Callum's tongue met mine for the second time tonight. I was less nervous this time, because I knew how he kissed. Callum had one hand placed gently on the nape of my neck while his other hand rubbed my body lengthwise along the side of my body. When his hand would brush over the side of my breast, I found myself turned on and wanting for more contact.
I encouraged him on by placing my hands around his neck. Slowly I felt his hand snake up my shirt in an attempt to remove the offending article. I lifted my hands above my head granting him permission. We sat on the couch like a couple of teenagers making out, me topless and him fully clothed. A fact that I quickly remedied by removing his shirt while he unclasped my bra.
He looked at my topless form in wonder and reverence. "How beautiful you are princess." He said breathily and began to kiss his way down my body spending lots of time making sure my breasts were given the amount of attention that they deserved.
He slowly kissed down my stomach until he reached the button on my jeans.I was okay with the intimacy between us, up until this point. I felt incredibly uncomfortable when he began to unbutton my jeans and he took notice.
"Sookie, it's okay. You tell me when you want me to stop." He assured me, and I reluctantly let him continue to remove my pants. I sat before him in nothing but white laced panties and I had never felt so vulnerable, not since the abuse at the hands of my uncle started.
He kissed my thighs and further down my leg for the longest time, and I sat nervously propped up on the couch by my elbows watching each of his attentions carefully. I was not able to just give up control of my body and just feel. I was too busy being too frightened and uncomfortable to be able to really enjoy anything he was doing with my body. My mind was screaming at me to stop him, but I also had to come to terms with the fact that I was a vampire. How many vampires out there are repulsed by sex? None, that's how many. It's for that reason that I thought I could go through with it. I thought if I just do it once, it would make everything okay somehow.
As he kissed his way back up to my heated center, be tugged at the side of my panties effectively removing them from me. My last bit of cover was taken and I felt naked. Well I was naked literally, but I felt naked emotionally. As soon as he removed my panties, I immediately and subconsciously crossed my legs at the ankle creating a barrier.
He noticed my defensive position and tried to reassure me that he would not hurt me. He asked me several times if I wanted to stop. Each time I said no, reluctantly. I almost just wanted to hurry up and get it over just so I didn't have to deal with it anymore.
Callum gently broke apart my ankles and spread my legs so that he could kiss his way back up to my center.
He stroked my thigh with one hand and he began to kissed my belly button. His other hand began to slowly brush my folds. This caused me to gasp. The sudden memories of Bill came flooding back to me, but I didn't pull away from Callum instead I froze. I tried as best as I could to suppress whatever negative reaction I was having, but I was unable. I reverted back to handling the situation as if it were Bill in front of me. I blocked my mind from what was happening physically. I pictured myself in my happy place, lying on the beach soaking up the sun. My mind had totally detached itself from my physical body and I said nothing as Callum continued unaware of my internal struggle and revulsion.
Callum gently inserted a finger into my folds and I found myself cringing at the feel. I bit the inside of my cheek to the point that I began to bleed, but I was not going to cry. It was sort of a mantra in my head, don't cry…don't cry…Lying on the beach…tanning my body… I just kept repeating silently.
Before I knew what was happening, Callum had began to kiss my center with his tongue. I felt absolutely no pleasure at all in that, in fact, I hated it but I made not motion to stop him.
He seemed to be enjoying the taste of me. "Mmm, you taste so sweet." He moaned in a voice deeper than his normal tone. I'm glad one of us was enjoying themselves.
I cringed, when he rubbed my nub with his thumb. I felt like such a freak. Any other woman, human or vampire, would love this, but I found myself feeling disgusted.
I didn't want to hurt his feelings, nor did I want to seem like a damaged freak, so I moaned along with him, pretending to enjoy his touch.
I felt like a horrible person, it wasn't his fault that I couldn't enjoy myself, I guess I just wasn't over all the sexual abuse that I had gone through. I should have spoken up, but it had been so ingrained in me that when a man touched me I had no choice but to let him.
In an odd moment of clarity, I decided that I needed to talk to a professional about my issues.
"Oh Sookie, I'm gonna come." He moaned and I felt his wetness hit my lower thigh. I found myself relieved that it was over, and I wasn't sure how he managed to find any pleasure in what we had just done. He lifted me off the couch and carried me to the master bedroom. I was too emotionally dazed to care where we were going and for the first time since my maker died, I found myself wanting to sleep.
He put me down on Eric's California King size bed, in Eric's master bedroom. Looking around the room that was just so Eric, I found that he was all I could think about. I wanted to go home, be in my own room in my own bed where I felt safe and invulnerable. Since it was past dawn, I knew he would be in his daytime rest, but that didn't change the fact that that was where I wanted to be.
I didn't need to sleep, but that is exactly what I did. Callum didn't say anything to me, he just cuddled up next to me draping his arm over my body. He was trying to be comforting to me, and I thoroughly appreciated it.
When I woke, it was just about dark outside, and I wanted to go straight to Fangtasia, but looking at Callum I could tell he really wanted to talk about what happened.
"Sookie, are you alright? You…slept, all day?" he asked worriedly. I appreciated the fact that he was worried about me, but I was kind of in a dark place.
"I'm fine." I replied coldly. "We need to go to Fangtasia."
"I know. " and I noticed that he had not showered, I wondered if he intended to.
"Sookie, would you please consider coming to live with me?" He asked again. I knew that I was in no place emotionally to go off with a guy to presumably be in a relationship with. Hell I could barely stand being intimate with him, through no fault of his own of course.
"I still don't think it's a good idea. I'm just not ready for that." I said honestly. I needed to start standing up for myself more, make my feelings known. I should have done that last night, I should have stopped Callum the minute I felt uncomfortable, but it was so ingrained in me from all the years of abuse to just grin and bear it.
"We really should be going." I said changing the subject.
Callum decided that we should teleport since it seemed like I was in such a hurry to get there.
He held my hand and I felt that tingly feeling. We both pictured the basement and envisioned ourselves there. A millisecond later, I opened my eyes and we were at out chosen destination.
I had never teleported that far before, so I felt incredibly weak, but I was still proud of myself for being able to do it. I found, however, that I was so weak that my knees couldn't support my own weight.
Callum seemed to fair better than I did, perhaps because of his age, regardless he took notice of my weakened state and rushed to my side effectively supporting me.
"You are too weak. I'm gonna go get you some blood." He said concerned for my wellbeing. He gently sat me on the ground as he ran upstairs to get some blood. I wasn't sure if he meant the bottled or live variety.
After a moment or so, Callum came back downstairs with a female fangbanger. I felt awkward feeding on a live donor without Eric. The only time I ever fed on a fangbanger, Eric was there watching me the whole time to make sure that I didn't lose control and drain one dry. I trusted Eric in that regard and he never let me down. Somehow feeding without him felt …wrong.
Regardless of my feelings, I needed the blood, because I was just too weak.
"Please make sure nothing happens to the girl." I asked Callum, and he understood what I meant.
I extended my fangs and bit into her neck. Pull after pull, she sated my hunger and I felt a lot stronger. I only stopped because I heard the door open and close. I looked up from the girl and saw Eric watching my every move.
I saw disappointment flash across his face and I knew that he was a little put off that I was feeding without him. I know that I had been excluding him from my life a lot lately, but none of it was intentional and I certainly didn't do it to hurt him.
"How did you get here?" Eric chided us.
"We teleported." I proclaimed proudly. I wanted him to be proud of me too. He really wasn't aware of all the things I could do, mainly because he stopped watching me and never asked about it.
I noticed Eric eyeing me up and down, apparently checking out the clothes I was wearing; he must have noticed that I hadn't changed clothes. He sniffed me too. Bastard. Definitely checking to see if Callum and I had sex. He would, no doubt, assume that we did.
In that moment, I felt the need to talk to him one on one. I don't know why, but I wanted him to know that Callum had asked me to move away with him. I guess I wanted him to realize that I had other offers, that I wasn't little orphan Annie. I wanted to get some kind of reaction out of him, begging me to stay, proclaiming how he had wronged me. I just wanted him to want me.
"Eric, can we speak privately?" I asked.
"Yes, let's go to my office." He replied coldly, he was angry with the way I smelled, of that I knew for certain.
I walked into his office, expecting him to yell at me for smelling the way I did, so I crossed my arms across my chest in a defensive manner.
"Callum has to go home next week." I stated flatly, still acting defensive.
"What does that have to do with me?" he replied pithily.
"He asked me to go with him." I said nervously. I didn't tell him that I had no intentions of going, but I just wanted a reaction out of him.
"I see. And are you asking permission to go with him?" He replied in defeat.
"I, uh, I don't know. I mean I'm nothing but an inconvenience to you, so part of me thinks it's for the best." I said as I stared at my feet. It was true that i felt like I inconvenienced him. I knew he didn't ask to have me, that I was forced upon him by his queen.
"Sookie, look at me." He demanded.
"You are not an inconvenience. You are a breath of fresh air. Besides, I couldn't let you leave even if I wanted to." He said. I didn't understand if he was telling me he wanted me, but he definitely insinuated that I was with him by order of the queen. I fumed at that response.
"So that's it huh. You can't let me go because you would look like a bad maker in the eyes of the Queen and the AVL." I huffed angrily as I continued my rant. "Well you are a bad maker, I mean you nearly cut my arm off and didn't even have the decency to come and check on me. Oh and believe me I know you left those fangbangers unglamoured for my benefit. You are petty, vindictive and jealous!" I seethed. I was unleashing all of the pent up anger I had built over that last week. After I said it, though I immediately regretted calling him a bad maker. He wasn't a bad maker, in fact he was a very good one. I never went without anything I needed, he treated me a thousand times better than Compton, sure we had our issues, but they had nothing to do with his ability as a maker. I didn't regret anything else I said though.
"You will watch your tone with me!" He growled warningly. "I readily admit that I have made mistakes where you are concerned, but I am not a bad maker." I groaned at his comment about making mistakes. He had made quite a lot of mistakes where I was concerned, like almost cutting off my hand because he was angry with me about Sam.
"I have never experienced this level of emotion in my entire existence. Fuck Feelings!" He yelled. I was becoming exasperated with him. He just admitted he had feelings for me, but in the same manner he was telling me that he hated that fact.
I was shocked by his admission, but I didn't know how to respond, so we both stared at each other until he broke the silence.
"Do you want to be with him?" He asked dejectedly while staring into my eyes.
"Does it matter what I want?" I said. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass, I really wanted to know if he cared about my wants.
"Yes. Tell me what you want." He demanded softly and I could tell he sincerely wanted to know. It was almost as if he just didn't know how to be around me although he wanted to. I decided then to tell him where I felt things went wrong.
"That night, when we burned down Compton's house." I paused, glaring at him uneasily as I nervously explained myself. "That night, I was broken. Knowing that you saw those videos first hand humiliated me. I didn't want you, of all people, to see that. I feared that you would see me as damaged goods. You were there for me that night, but after that you became distant. That's when I knew that you would never see me as more than just a pitiful pet project from the AVL and the Queen. I needed you, but you refused to let me in in more than just a superficial way." He started to interrupt me.
"No, let me finish. Please. Callum has been there for me. I told him all about the torture and the sexual acts, but he never flinched, he never made me feel ashamed. He comforted me, cared for me and showed me that there is life beyond torture. I feel comfortable with him." I embellished. I don't know why I lied about Callum and my relationship. I hadn't told him everything, I told him the bare minimum. I embellished because I wanted him to realize how he had treated me and that others could and would treat me better.
"I never meant to isolate you like that. I thought we were growing closer until that night when the shifter kissed you. Yes I was jealous, you told me that you loved him! And yes I took a fangbanger that bore your resemblance. I lost my entire ability to think rationally, hell I almost cut your goddamn hand off. I am ashamed of myself for the way I treated you in the last week. I would give anything to take it all back and re-do it. And now you tell me that you basically hate me and want to leave me." He pleaded with me and I finally felt like I was getting inside him. Sure I shouldn't have lied about my relationship with Callum, but in my defense, I was trying to get him to open up to me.
"I don't love Sam like that. He's like a brother to me." I didn't realize that his jealousy all started because he thought I loved Sam. If only I could turn back time and make it clear from the get go.
"I don't know how to resolve this Sookie, but I'm in hell right now, a hell that I created for myself. We will work this out I swear, just please tell me that you want to stay with me." That broke my heart a little. I didn't realize he was feeling that way.
"I never wanted to leave in the first place, but I'm not going to stop seeing Callum at least not until I have to." I should have clarified that a little. Callum was my trainer, and in that regard I would not stop seeing him, but it had already been proven that I couldn't be with him, not romantically at least. But I didn't. I thought I could clear that up with him at home, after I spoke with Callum.
I left Eric's office after that feeling emotionally drained, but I knew I still needed to speak with Callum about last night.
I went out to the bar area to find Callum sitting with Pam. She was looking at him murderously, but it didn't look like they were actually speaking.
I sat in the booth next to Callum across from Pam. She was definitely hating our proximity.
"Pam, can you please excuse Callum and i?" I asked politely. She made some kind of angry hmph sound and left us alone.
I got up and went to sit across from him, so that we could speak eye to eye. I was angry at myself for letting the situation with Callum progress the way it had. I should have kept it strictly professional. He was my teacher and nothing more.
"I don't know if you picked up on it, but last night I had a full on panic attack. I tried to be with you, really I did. I am just too messed up to be with anyone right now." I said dejectedly. I was resigned to get some counseling and until that happened, I had no business being with anyone.
"Princess. I knew, I mean I felt your trepidations, but I didn't think it was that bad." He said questioningly.
"I know. I tried as hard as I could to shield you from my feelings. It's just…I am just so messed up." I confessed and I wanted to cry, but I steeled myself. I hated vampire tears.
"You are not messed up princess. You are…" he said, but I cut him off angrily.
"I AM MESSED UP!" I yelled. He had no idea as to the extent of my abuse. Realizing that I was screaming at him unnecessarily, I lowered my voice and continued still angry but more so at myself. "I can't even stand to be touched. I cringed when you put your hands in me, I cringed when your tongue entered me." I whispered crossly. "Don't you understand, none of this is your fault, it's me, I'm so fucked up." I whispered as I put my head in my hands in anguish.
"Sookie look at me." He said and I lifted my head to meet his. "Why didn't you say something? I feel like such an asshole." He looked angry at himself.
"Like I said. It's not your fault, I just, I just need time." I said mournfully. As much as I wanted to be done with Bill, it seemed like there was always some residual issue that I just couldn't get over. I wanted to be the strong Sookie that showed up to the trial, I wanted to be normal, but that was never in the cards for me.
Just as I was delving deeper and deeper into my own self-loathing, Eric walked up to the table. I suppose he had heard most, if not all of our conversation.
"I'm taking you home." Eric said demandingly, but still gentle. I looked up at him and saw nothing but concern and care. Callum looked as though he wanted to say something, but he chose to stay silent.
Eric lifted me gently from the booth and led me out to his car. He opened the door for me and made sure I got in before he closed the door behind me.
I didn't look at him the entire ride. I wasn't sure how much of the conversation he heard. I was humiliated over what happened with Callum and the fact that I yelled at him in the bar.
"How much did you hear?" I asked timidly while looking at my fidgeting hands.
"Enough to know that I should not have let you leave with him last night." He said carefully. He put his hand in mine, and it felt like that night at Compton's all over again.
"You weren't being honest with me when you told me about your relationship with Callum." He stated flatly.
"No, I wasn't." I said shamefully and he released my hand. If he was angry with me, I couldn't tell.
"Sookie, this communication problem we have between the two of us is ripping us apart." I couldn't disagree with him. I had embellished the truth and he flat out omitted it.
"I wasn't lying when I said I was messed up. I, I owe you the truth. I know that." I said sadly. "Callum wants us to be more, but I just cant. He did ask me to move with him, but I don't want to." I confessed.
"And last night?" he asked cautiously and I felt his gaze intently on mine.
"Yeah, I should've never gone with him." I admitted forlornly.
"Did he force you?" Eric fumed.
"NO, no nothing like that. In fact he told me that he would stop anytime I felt uncomfortable. But." I gulped unnecessarily willing some courage to come forth.
"So you had sex with him even though you didn't want to." He stated angrily.
"Not exactly, I mean we didn't have sex, he sort of, I guess you could say he went down on me." God this was embarrassing, why I was even telling him all this was beyond me.
"But you felt uncomfortable." He stated questioningly.
"Yes, God. Alright. This is so fucking embarrassing!" I exclaimed.
"I'm not trying to embarrass you, Sookie, I'm just trying to get to the root of what had you so upset." He said calmly and I knew he was just trying to help me, but that did nothing to quell the humiliation or the anger I had for myself.
"Fine you want to know, I'll tell you. He went down on me, I hated it. I fucking hated it. I pictured Compton the entire time, I felt dirty and ashamed the entire time and I did nothing to stop it because I am a fucking coward! I hate myself for reacting that way. " I shouted angrily. I continued my rant. "I'm never going to escape him am I?" I whispered exhaustively and I started to cry. Dammit, I started to cry!
Eric pulled the car over to the median. He got out of the car and came to my side pulling me out of the car and into his embrace.
"Sookie, we will get through this." He wiped the tears from my face and brushed my hair back calming me down from my near hysterics.
He put me back in the car and we went home. I was quiet the whole time, and he let me be. By the time we got home, there was still about three hours left until dawn, not that it mattered to me. Eric walked with me to my room making sure that I was alright.
"I'm going to run you a bath." He whispered and I nodded my head in agreement. That actually sounded divine.
After a few moments, he came back in the room and let me know my bath was ready. He didn't go in the bathroom with me, he was respecting my space and I truly appreciated him for that. I slipped off my clothes and got in the tub. The lavender did wonders to help calm me. After a few moments of being in the tub, I found myself wishing Eric was there to talk.
"Eric?" I called out. And within a few seconds he came in the bathroom.
"Everything alright?" he asked worriedly.
"Yeah, I just wondered if you would stay in here with me?" I felt like a scared little child.
"Of course I will." He said and he took the bottle of shampoo and began to wash my hair for me. He massaged my scalp better than any world class professional masseuse.
"Mmm. That feels nice." I said peacefully as he continued his movements.
"Sookie, I need you to be completely honest with me at all times. We have to trust one another. I know that things have gotten fucked up between us, but why can't we just wipe the slate clean." He said soothingly. I wanted that more than anything.
"I agree. I'm sorry for calling you a bad maker, I really didn't mean it." I apologized.
"Sookie, we have both made some very bad mistakes. I want you to share your life and your problems with me. We can fix them together." I smiled at his sentiments. He was right, we both were so used to dealing with our problems on our own that it didn't occur to us that we could rely on each other.
"That sounds nice. Did you know I can summon things?" I said lightening the somber mood.
"You are a powerful being Sookie. What else have you discovered?" he said proudly. I went down the list of my powers and he seemed glad that I was sharing with him.
"I need help Eric. Professional help." I admitted shamefully.
"It takes a brave person to admit their weaknesses, it takes an even braver person to do something about them. I will call Dr. Ludwig tomorrow and see if she has any recommendations." He said soothingly as he rinsed the shampoo from my hair. I loved the gentleness of the moment, and I wished that we had more moments like that.
"You know Sookie, I have experienced something similar to what you are going through. Would you be willing to hear my story?" He asked. I was shocked but at the same time honored that he would choose to share his story with me.
"Of course." I stated respectfully.
"Alright. I was turned by my maker, Appius Livius Ocella. He was a brute of a man. He collected children as a hobby, much like a stamp collector. He was an indiscriminant sadist when it came to both his sexual appetites and his punishments.
The night I rose from being turned, I was, of course, confused and disoriented. I hadn't known what happened to me.
"Who are you?" I asked of my maker.
"You will show me the respect that I deserve, now get on your knees and pleasure me." My maker demanded. I had never done that in my entire life, I had only ever been with women. Of course feeling violated by his demands, I refused him.
"I will do no such thing!" I rebuked him. I had no idea the power and influence a maker could have over their child. That was a lesson I learned the hard way.
"Get on your knees and pleasure me! As your maker I command you!" he screamed. I tried with all my being to just run away from the mad man, but I found that it was a compulsion that I could not resist. Before I knew what was happening to me, my mouth was around my maker's cock, and I had no ability to stop whatsoever. I felt humiliated and shamed and when it was over, he commanded me to do it again. The next night was worse. He sodomized me from dusk til dawn, and I was powerless.
I had never wanted to die more in my life. I was a warrior and a prince so to be taken like in such a submissive humiliating way was a fate worse than death. It was another year before my maker explained to me fully what I was and why I came into being.
That is but one incident of his brutality, similar acts went on for the next 300 years of my existence until he finally released me.
Believe me when I say I understand what you are going through, I went through it myself. That is how I know that you are a strong and brave woman. You will never forget about the abuse, but you will get over it eventually with time. It took me a long time to get over my own, but it has made me stronger because of it." Eric finished, and my heart ached for him and the abuse he endured.
I didn't know what to say to him after that. My abuse paled in comparison to what he endured. I just wanted to be close to him and comfort him.
"Eric, can I lay with you? I just, I just want to be close to you." I said meekly. I needed the comfort as much as I wanted to give.
He lifted me out of the tub and dried me with a towel. He ran out of the bathroom for a split second, but came back with one of my satin nightgowns that he placed over my head. There were no words spoken between us, we didn't need them.
He carried me into his daytime resting place and gently put me on his bed. He rushed to the opposite side of the bed and curled up behind my body holding me while gently brushing my wet hair back.
"Du är en stark modig kvinna. Skicka inte någonsin lämna mig" he whispered in my ear. I had no idea what he said, but it was soothing nonetheless.
A/N: translation. You are a strong brave woman, please do not ever leave me.