Although Celestino had been trying to take it a little easier on his skaters this week because he knows that they have school work to do, when Yuri falls for the third time on a Salchow which previously has been his best jump, he gets a little frustrated. "Yuri! What is wrong with you today?!" He demands, shouting across the ice at the man who is slowly getting up. It's been two days since the Grand Prix Final. Celestino thought it would help, not having that distraction and knowing that they're working toward the Nationals. But it seems to have just made things worse.
"Sorry, coach! I'll do better!" Yuri calls as he gets up, wiggling around a little to make sure he didn't hurt himself before he pushes off and starts his routine again. Nationals are yet another competition and Viktor will be watching him this time. Viktor will see what a failure he is, and those thoughts have haunted him for the past few days. Shaking his head a little to try and clear his head, Yuri brushes back some hair from his face before he starts the section of his routine that he's working on, taking a few deep breaths.
Celestino frowns a little as he watches his skater. He hasn't been working with Yuri for long yet and so doesn't know all of his quirks yet, especially since the boy seems to be so self-contained. He doesn't really talk to Celestino much about his thoughts about the program or preferences for music or choreography. The biggest problem being confidence. Yuri Katsuki lacks confidence in himself as a skater and it really shows. The program he designed for the young man should take advantage of Yuri's performance ability yet still having the technical score that they would need to win. Every failure is a knock to his confidence though, and this last one seems to have been the worst.
Phichit steps up beside the coach, having finished stretching since he has some practice time after Yuri. Shaking his head a little, he sighs. "He's not doing too great today, is he, coach?" Technically they may be competitors on the ice, even if they do share a coach at the moment, but that doesn't keep him from worrying about his friend.
"No, he is not. He's thinking too much, I don't understand what's going on inside of his head." Celestino admits, wincing as Yuri flubs another jump. Even though it wasn't a fall, it was far from a steady landing.
Nodding a little for a few moments, Phichit sighs a little. "It's probably better just to let him go home for the day. It might help him just to have some time to relax instead of hurting himself more and more every time he falls." He points out as he looks over at his coach, worried about Yuri and thinking that if his roommate has some time and space to be alone, it might help clear his mind.
Frustrated but not seeing another way to get any good practice out of his skater today, Celestino just nods a little. "Alright, Yuri, that was a good effort, but lets call it a day. Go home, and make sure to have a hot bath and use some of that bruise cream you have!" He says, scolding him in a bit of a motherly way. Something about Yuri brings that out in the older man. Another conundrum.
"Yes, Coach." Yuri says in a slightly dejected way as he heads toward the exit off the ice, sighing a little but forcing a smile when he sees Phichit. "Hey. How's your studying going?" he asks as he stops and steps off the ice before leaning over to put his skate guards on.
"You know, about as well as can be expected." Phichit says with a little shrug, being pretty confident about his Finals but not wanting to make Yuri feel bad. "Go home and get some rest, man." He adds, patting Yuri on the shoulder before he leans down to remove his own skate guards.
"Thanks, Phichit. Good luck." Yuri says before he heads off toward the locker/changing area to take off his skates and get cleaned up before he heads home.
The apartment is empty and silent, obviously, when Yuri gets there, but somehow he still expects there to be some remnant of his cheerful roommate left. Recognizing that he's in a weird headspace at the moment, he makes sure to put his duffel away before he heads to the bathroom to start running himself a bath with some Epsom salts and bath oils to help ease his aches and bruises from repeatedly tumbling onto the rock-hard surface of the skating rink.
After stripping down to his boxers, Yuri sits on the closed toilet seat to wait for the tub to fill, staring at the water intently and letting himself zone out in the increasingly foggy bathroom. A part of him feels guilty because he told Viktor he would respond properly to his email, but he hasn't yet. He hasn't had much time between studying, ballet, and practice. He has to study hard because he has to do well on his Finals. There is no ifs ands or buts about it. If he doesn't do well on his Finals he can't stay in school, which means he can't stay in the US and he'll have to find another coach. That just can't happen, especially if he wants to go to World's, or at least try to.
As with everything else, Yuri doesn't have much confidence in his ability to get there. He hopes that his lack of reply hasn't been affecting Viktor's practice. Then again, why would it? They barely know eachother and Yuri is a no-talent skater, especially in comparison to his idol. No, the only thing Viktor Nikiforov would be worried about right now would be refining his program with the changes he made, in order to make it even better for the European Championships and the World Cup. He probably didn't even spare a thought for his goofy little pen pal.
For a little while, there seemed to be a disconnect in Yuri's brain between the man he has been exchanging emails and letters with, and the man he saw on TV. Sure, intellectually he knows they are the same person and congratulated him in the email, but when he writes, it doesn't seem like he's writing to the great skater he always saw on TV. It clicked into place however when Yuri saw the picture of the Russian gold medalist in a suit, getting ready for the banquet. The man is a god among skaters, he is so skilled and has won so many Gold medals that no one even doubts it anymore. It's not like it's a given, but there is no doubting he is capable of it. And for some reason he has chosen to talk to Yuri.
But why is that? What interests him so much? It's not like they've even really talked about much outside of skating. Sure, Yuri mentions his home town and the hot springs, but that isn't really anything big. It's also not very personal. There is absolutely nothing about him that should be interesting to a man like Viktor Nikiforov. If it weren't for the way he talks, the pictures, and the interviews he's seen, Yuri might think that he was talking to an entirely different person. That is how much he's confused about his own worth when it comes to being any sort of inspiration or interest to the older man.
Snapping himself out of it, he sighs and reaches out to turn the water off before divesting himself of the rest of his clothes and glasses and sinking down slowly into the slightly too warm water. He's going to have bruises tomorrow, there's no getting around that, but at least he can try and ward off some of the stiffness.
Tilting his head back against the tub, Yuri stares at the ceiling and frowns a little. Celestino was right, he's had a lot on his mind and it's affecting his performance. He can't let that happen. He has to do well, and make sure that Celestino doesn't regret taking him on as a pupil. So far he hasn't done much to prove himself. The problem is getting outside of his own head. While he's aware that his anxiety is currently getting the better of him, he's never found a very good way to deal with it.
Slowly, his mind drifts from that problem back to the Viktor problem. Which isn't so much a problem maybe but to Yuri it is in a way. Mostly that he doesn't understand it. Lifting one hand out of the water to watch the droplets run down his arm to rejoin their brethren, the young skater sighs a little. "Maybe I should write him a proper letter." He mutters softly, knowing that Viktor won't get it until after the New Year at this point, if not longer because of all the holiday mail slowing down the whole system, plus that it usually takes so long to get to Russia anyway. And that's assuming that Viktor will be in St. Petersburg by the time it gets there. Still, maybe he can work out some of his problems that way. It's not really fair for him to dump everything on Viktor, but maybe he can tell the other man a little more about himself or something. Or just about his day. Just.. something.
After soaking for a while and musing that over, Yuri gets out with a small groan and dries off, dressing in some soft pajamas before he cleans out the tub and returns to the bedroom to take out the paper. He'll get this done and then do some studying before he gets some food and sleep.
~oOo~
December 21, 2011
Viktor,
I know you won't get this until after the New Year, maybe even later depending on mail and your schedule. I've just been having some trouble since the Grand Prix and I thought doing something that would take a little more time would help me focus my thoughts more and get them out. Friends and pen pals should be able to tell eachother things, right? I don't want you to bother you, and I debated not writing this, but the truth is, I've been having trouble studying and with my skating.
My head just gets so busy sometimes with thoughts and doubts. I don't know why you care. You have millions of fans, you probably get thousands of letters a week. Why did the woman – Alisa, right? - give you my letter? I can't have been the first one to send you a heartfelt letter. I just don't understand.
I may be a top JSF skater, but that feels like a lie. I'm really nothing exceptional, I'm just a dome-a-dozen skater. I've had a little more luck than some, but there are some skaters a few years behind me that will blow me out of the water when they get to the Senior division. The problem is, skating is pretty much the only thing special about me. I play some video games, but that isn't unique and it doesn't take much skill. I can cook, but that's from growing up at the inn. Someone had to help my mother and my sister can't cook to save her life. I can't really think of any reason you would want to talk to me.
I know I have a lot of anxiety. About a lot of things. The problem is, I can't tell if it's just the anxiety talking or if this is a legitimate worry sometimes. No, I told myself that I wouldn't unload everything on you. You don't know me very well, and honestly besides skating we haven't really said a lot. I told you a little about Hasetsu and Yu-Topia. That wasn't exactly what I was thinking of though.
I've spent so much of my life focused on skating that it's hard for me to think of anything else or anything outside of it that I enjoy. Oh. Well, there is college. Obviously you can't get a degree in figure skating. I've decided to go for linguistics with a nutrition minor. It's a little much since the two aren't really related, but linguistics and learning different languages will help me with skating and then after I retire, I can always teach English or another language back in Japan. And nutrition because, well. I tend to gain weight easily. I have to really watch my diet during the season. Even then, I tend to binge eat before competitions sometimes, because I get so nervous. So if I could understand nutrition a little better maybe I could figure out something that would help me, or that I could keep around which would keep me from eating too much before a competition.
Ah! There is music. The other thing that skating has shown me is all the different varieties of music. I like listening to it, though Celestino is choosing all my music for my performances. I think it's better that way since he's choreographing too. But I still like listening to music, from all sorts of genres and countries. When I go to different countries, I listen to local radio stations. Maybe I can't understand the words all the time, but I especially like listening to what's popular. American music in general is so different from Japanese, for example. It's especially different when it comes to the most popular music though. At least it seems that way to me, and to the Americans I've talked to in classes.
Not that I talk to a lot. Most of the time they start conversations with me, not the other way around. I'm kind of shy and I never know what to talk to people about. I'm the same way at competitions. I tend to keep to myself. Part of that is because of anxiety and nerves, but the other part sometimes is me not feeling like I belong there. If I don't feel I measure up to the others, it's hard for me to justify wasting their time talking to them. It's not necessarily the same way with normal people, but I have never had an easy time making friends because it's hard for me to talk to people.
I know, you might be saying I don't have trouble talking to you, but writing through letters and emails sort of keeps it from being real. I can think about what I want to say. I don't have to see a person's reactions. So if I say something especially stupid, I never really know. It's so much easier to put my thoughts onto paper or an email than they are to vocalize them. That probably sounds kind of stupid, but there it is.
I'll respond to your email properly before you get this, I promise, I just have a lot going on right now, with my finals and then the Japanese Nationals. Unfortunately I don't think I'll be able to get home to visit my parents. I just won't have time. I miss them though, and my sister. She's older, by the way, if I never made that clear. Five years older, so we've never been extremely close, but we've gotten better the older I get. I think your differences disappear a little more when you get to adulthood. She's always been really supportive though.
By the way, Happy Birthday! I wish I had something to give you, but maybe I'll think of something. It's not like you'll get this by your birthday anyway. I hope you went and did something special for it. Anyway, I have to study and get something to eat, so I had better put this aside for now. Good luck with your performances, Viktor. I know you'll do great.
Your Friend,
Yuri
~oOo~
After putting his letter in the envelope, Yuri looks down at it and sighs. He'll have to send it tomorrow which suits him just fine. Glancing over at his laptop for a few moments, he worries his bottom lip as he considers if he should send a reply to Viktor's email. After a moment, he shakes his head and instead pulls out his books for French so he can study. He promised Viktor a proper reply, and with his current mood and mindset right now he doesn't think it would be the right response. He has to wait for his mood to lift.
For now, he has other things to worry about, like his performance and his Finals. Though at this point he's almost more worried about his Finals than his skating programs. Luckily he only has a few more and then he'll be free for a few weeks. From classes at least. And he'll get to go back to Japan, which will be nice. Even if he can't see his parents, it'll be nice to be in more familiar surroundings. Thankfully they're going two days ahead of time to give them both time to adjust to the time difference. He has a feeling he'll be sleeping quite a lot when he first gets there. Maybe then, at least, he can spare a little time in order to email Viktor. Yes, then he can give the email the attention it deserves, and it'll help him keep his mind off his nerves for a little while.
Now that the decision is made, Yuri relaxes a little and turns his attention completely to his work, having made a few study guides for himself to help with French and what the Professor told them would be on it. Really, he should have maybe started with a different language at first since French is complicated and very different from both Japanese and English, but it was recommended to him by the university's adviser he had been emailing back and forth with before he signed up for classes. Nothing to do about it now, especially since the language requirements are, understandably, pretty high for a linguistics major. Maybe he should take Russian as well.. He would at least have one person to use it with and maybe Viktor could help him with it... Yuri shakes his head hard to dislodge those thoughts and takes a deep breath before focusing back on his studying. He can't let himself distracted. Everything else can wait.
SORRY. Sorry, sorry, sorry! Warmer weather in the last few weeks means I had Adulting to do, which did not leave a lot of time or energy for fic writing. But I am hopefully back at it now. I even made my Friday goal, albeit just barely. :) I hope you all will forgive me and you like this latest chapter. Thank you for sticking around!
Reviews/Comments welcome!