Chapter Eleven

I sat through the meeting listening to everyone's stories about their issues with alcohol and I thought how courageous these people were to face their demons head on. The speaker got up and asked if anyone else would like to share before they adjourned the group. I decided that I needed to vent and I may as well here with people who had similar demons as my own.

I got up and went to the front of the group. "My name's…Michelle," for some reason I felt uncomfortable giving out my real name and the name that man had given me all those years ago seemed to fit like an old glove. "I have lupus and I have been warned to stay away from hard liquor, and I know that every time I pick up the bottle that I am playing a dangerous game that will most likely end up killing me. Even though I know that, I don't care, for some reason, I cling to the bottle whenever I want to escape my life. A few weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend and I drove to the nearest liquor store and grabbed a bottle of vodka. I took my poison down to a river and drank so much that I almost drowned when I fell in. I swore to my son that I wouldn't drink any more, but tonight I came close, it took every thing that I had in me to decide to come here instead. I just want to know how I ended so screwed up that I could be so masochistic and want all the wrong things for my life. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I think you guys are all courageous to face your demons and I wanted to say thanks for listening to me," I finished and then I sat back down in the back.

I got in my car and started heading back to Llanview. I thought about my argument with John and my growing dependency on Todd. It seemed to me that I had just replaced my need with alcohol with a need for Todd. I knew that my chances of getting burned with Todd were just about as good as my chances of getting sick by drinking. Sooner or later, I always ended up hurt after one of my infamous drinking binges and I knew that sooner or later that I would hurt Todd, or he would hurt me even worse. That was our destructive pattern, the game that we had been playing for years with each other. I ended up driving to Todd's place. I wanted to trust him, but I needed some reassurance, something, I needed to hear that this time would be different.

I knocked on Todd's door.

"Marty, are you okay? What are you doing here?" Todd asked.

It was clear that I had woken Todd up. "I'm sorry, you were sleeping. I should go, we can talk tomorrow." I said realizing that it was really early in the morning.

"No that's okay. You're here now. Come on in," Todd said as he held the door open for me. "It looks like you've been crying. What did John say to you?"

"He said that I was a fool to trust you and that sooner or later I would make you angry and you would hurt me."

"I could never hurt you again, not after everything that we've been through," Todd said trying to reassure me.

"What if you can't help yourself? What happens if I make you really angry then what? Are you going to rape me again? Find somebody else to? I can't let you hurt me like that again."

"God Marty, is that what you think? I would kill myself first before I ever let myself lose control like that again. It will never happen again, but if you can't trust in me then you should go and get as far away from me as possible. Do you really think that I could hurt you like that again?" Todd said as he clenched his hands in a fist. I couldn't tell if he was angry with me or desperate to make me see his point.

"No, but I didn't think that you would go there in the first place and I was wrong. I'm not saying this to hurt you; I just have to let you know how I feel. I can't be hurt by you again. I won't survive it. As far as me staying away from you that's not an option. We've tried that before, it simply doesn't work. Somehow we always end up in each other's lives again."

"What do you want me to say? What do you need from me? I don't want you to be afraid that one day I'll lose control again, because I swear to you that I won't. I have gotten plenty angry with you over the recent years and I haven't hurt you, at least not intentionally."

"I want you to get help. I want you to see your own therapist and I want you to take anger management classes. I just want more assurance from you that our past will not repeat itself. I need more control and right now I just don't have it."

"Are you scared of me?"

"I'm scared of my feelings for you. I'm falling so in love with you. I'm losing myself in you and the more I remember about my childhood with you the more I want to depend on you. I just need you to have patience and to help me trust you the way that I once did."

"I hate therapy, but I'll go for you. If my going to classes gives you more assurance and control in our relationship then I will do it for you," Todd said as he wiped the tears from my face.

I grabbed his hand as he was lowering it, "Thanks, I know that this wasn't easy for you to hear."

"No, but I'm glad it happened. I'm glad that you were honest about your fears. I don't want you to be afraid of me, so I need you to promise me that you'll always be honest with me and I will do everything that I possibly can to remove your doubts and fears.

I leaned in and gave him a hug, "I'm tired, would you mind if I crashed here for the night?"

"No, this is your home, it's always been your home and I would love it if you stayed for the rest of the night."

Todd grabbed my hand and we walked up the stairs to my old bedroom. I laid down in my old bed and it was as if I had never left. I felt so safe and loved in this moment and I wanted the feeling to last forever. "Todd, would you stay with me tonight? I just want to feel safe in your arms. I just don't want to be alone."

"Yeah, I'll stay, but if you get uncomfortable let me know, and I'll leave."

"Okay, deal."

Todd climbed into bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head on his chest and I could hear his heart beating.

"Marty?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you and things will be different this time."

"I love you too."

I listened to his heart beat and closed my eyes. Things would be different this time. I had to believe that change was possible for me and for Todd. I eventually was lulled to sleep by the rhythmic beating of his heart.