Hello everyone! This is NOT the end of this main chapter, there is still one more... sorry!
I'm also sorry for my sparce and random updates, but school has been keeping me down unfortunately. And I have also been Beta-ing for Archer by Artemis Ignitan (insert shameless check-out-this-awesome-story-cheer here).
Hope you enjoy this chapter!
DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN YUGIOH GX!!
(Jaden POV)
Haou.
My entire body writhed a crawled in desperate fear, muscles and tendons winding themselves tightly to my bones to appear small and insignificant, the flow of vital systems coming to a crashing halt. I forgot how to breathe, my lungs dried out and my voice shattered like glass. Screams surrounded me in a harsh cacophony of terror, and all I could do was become a statue as I stared down the darker version of myself, staring right back at me. His face was completely black, as if he was just as surprised as I was, albeit his eyes reflected no trickle of emotion or fear, and then laughter sounded around me.
My friends thought this was just some kind of a trick.
I had to protect them.
From what though? Myself? Then how is he standing right in front of me... with all of my friends beside him?!
"A mirror! That was genius!"
I couldn't tell who said that, but it didn't matter. A mirror? Then where was I in this ghostly reflection? All I can see is...
I am you, he had said.
My breath was knocked out of me again, harder, more force making my wheeze all the more hearable for my group of friends.
"Sy? I think you can let go of Jaden now. He needs air."
Haou is me.
"Jay? You alright buddy?"
I am Haou.
A warm hand descended on my shoulder and turned my chin to see in their face. The contact was shattered—trance was broken.
"Sorry! I'm fine!" I practically shouted, finishing the turn myself and quickly, nearly knocking foreheads with Alexis. Her hand stayed firmly in place, her intelligent gaze searching my eyes for the real answer, that I was anything but 'fine'. "That just gave me a pretty good scare right there!"
I laughed loudly and a bit over-the-top, earning strange glances from all of them in the room. Their scrutiny nearly burned away my defensive line of lies, but then I found my reprieve in the form of Driana. She was still laughing and pointing at the mirror right behind the door as if it were the funniest thing in the world.
"You should have seen your face Jaden!" she chuckled, clutching at her sides and effectively defusing the situation. Ra, I just loved her right then and there.
Wait—did I just really think that?
I shook those thoughts from my head furiously, reminding myself that I was trying to not think about it anymore, to just let it play out, and waved my friends on, leading the way. But I couldn't completely ignore it, it was a constant fear feading on my thoughts and hunting around the edges of my mind, searching any weak or damaged places in my fortress to escape from and take me once again. I repressed a violent shudder and forced myself to smile and appear cheerful for their sake.
I could slip away during the party confusion if nothing else...
"Come on guys! Party time!"
They made a few noises that sounded like wait, but I didn't listen, not daring to stop so I could even catch a glimpse of my reflection running beside me, not daring to think about what I was going to have to do.
Any other attempts to frighten me had no effect, although I'm dimly sure that they scared my friends. How could it scare me anyway? I have something real to fear, and apparently it's myself...
How could this happen?! It doesn't make any sense! How can I be two people at the same time?!
My heart constricted at the distant thought of leaving this place behind as my friends laughed over their latest scare. They would be worried, scared, angry at me for leaving. And they would probably convince Chazz to spare some of his money to drag them to my house and get the answer out of me. How can I protect them without telling anyone? Could I ask the Chancellor to tell them something else... like I had transferred or was dealing with a family emergency or something? Anything?
As usual, I was beating around the bush, avioding the bulk of the problem, putting my friends before me. But I couldn't think about what this meant, about who I was, in the middle of their presence. How could I fix something like this when I'm the evil one?!
... But... Haou hadn't hurt anyone... had he...? It was Zane's own duels that made him... No, Haou is still dangerous... but I wouldn't, no, couldn't hurt my friends... and if Haou was me... were they really in danger?
Was anyone?
"Hey! There's the light at the end of the tunnel!" Jesse announced loudly, coming up next to me easily and smiling brightly at me. I shot a rather forced grin back to hide my wildly beating heart and thumped him on the back affectionately, although I was biting my tongue to prevent myself from muttering:
I wish.
"Guys! High-heeled boots and running don't mix!" Driana complained from the back of the group, tripping over herself a bit. Alexis rolled her eyes and pointed down at her own Obelisk shoes as if showing how easy it really was. And to her it had always been, I noticed. She always had to run around with us on some misadventure or another, and not once had she ever tripped.
She was just as graceful as she was beautiful, like a swan.
"It's not that hard," she chided her fellow female friend, a harsh annoyance hidden behind her words. I frowned, following any train of thought that I could catch hold of to pull myself back out of the dark pit that I had fallen into.
But she could be just as mean.
I refused to let my lifeline fall as the looming question of whether or not I would turn on my friends... would become what I feared reared its hideous head once again. Chazz's name came floating into my head as he tried to 'protect' Alexis, so I weaved the two together in my mind, unable to let go.
She and Chazz would probably be good together... maybe... I don't know anything about love or relationships, so I'm probably not one to judge... but maybe that's what she meant when she said it'd be ridiculous for us to go out, cuz she really does love Chazz back but is too scared to admit it?
That dark thing reared its ugly head in my chest again, practically obliterating that thought into tiny fragmented pieces in protest. I blinked, right back where I had started in this tangled mess. Not thinking about it didn't work as well as I thought... but I had to keep up the cherade, had to keep think about something other than...
Was I... jealous?
Jealous of what? Alexis and Chazz? Driana and Jesse?
Great, right back where I started.
"I think I love you."
Or not. And now... that... in the hallway...
I forced that away, too scared to even try and fathom what that truly meant. How could Haou be me? How could I talk to myself as if I was two different people? How could I not remember what happened when I let Haou out if we were truly the same person?
My head ached, and now I could hear the noises of hundreds of students laughing and talking with their friends. Maybe the party wasn't such a good idea after all...
"Come on Jay!" Sy shouted, picking up speed and dragging me forward as fast as his short legs could take us. "I want to get as far away from that scary place as possible!"
I forced another grin, and he looked back at me sadly before stopping at the edge of the crowd and waiting for our huffing and puffing friends to catch up. "Jay, what's wrong with you?" he asked quietly, staring down at his shoes sadly. "You keep disappearing."
I sighed at looked away, not even bothering to deny it anymore. "When I figure it out I'll let you know," I told him while crossing my fingers slightly, only feeling worse that I was lying right in the face of my best friend.
"You can tell me anything Jay, you're always there for me, so I'm here to return the favor. Maybe we can figure it out together. We're best friends, right?" he asked softly, not meeting my eye.
"I know Sy, thanks for the offer, but this is something I've gotta figure out on my own right now, ok?"
Reluctantly he nodded, his disapproval and disappointment hanging in his everything, making me just want to give him one of my bone-crushing (it only happened once) hugs and tell him what was really wrong. It wasn't fair to him that I couldn't talk to him about this; he must feel so betrayed, like I don't trust him or something.
"I trust ya buddy, alright?" I said, just to try and bat those thoughts away. "I just really need to think this through first, alright?"
He smiled up at me sadly, an improvement at least, he was looking me in the eyes. "Yeah, I know..." he trailed off as the rest of the gang finally caught up and smiled at us happily, most of the gazes lingering on my mask of a face in concern.
To avoid any head-one glances I surveyed the transformed gyms, noticing that there had been several of those little 'Tunnels of Love' stationed around each doorway of the gym and that this room itself was brightly lit and colorful. There were several food stations all of the place, and I saw one student slip some kind of powdery material into one of the punch bowls.
I shrugged it off and then jumped when someone killed the lights. My initial thought was that somehow Haou had just forced my back into my nightmares, but then several students screamed or shouted "BOO!" It was then that I noticed that it didn't seem particularly dark after all, almost like someone had tried to pull white curtains over the window during a sunny day. And as the spotlight came onto the huge stage at the other end of the gym my own light bulb flashed in my head.
Haou could see in the dark.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen!" Atticus Rhodes called from the stage, blowing kisses at several rabid fan-girls.
I could see in the dark.
"As you could probably all tell, tonight's the night to honor our lovely transfer students and welcome them into Duel Academy!"
Applause and 'whoots' rang out through the audience as I took in this latest little discovery, still trying not to think about it but failing miserably.
"And there's no party without music right? So I've arranged for our own Bastian Misawa to create this amazingly huge karaoke machine that holds nearly unlimited amounts of songs from all around the world! And guess what? You, the students, will be creating the music through karaoke! Isn't that great?"
More cheers and applause.
"And at the very end of the night we'll be having a special round! Three students will be chosen at random to compete in a sing-off! The rules for that will be explained to the contestants backstage, and my assistants and I will spend the entire night preparing them for it! It'll be a great show!"
A sinking feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. Oh Ra, please tell me he didn't do what I think he did...
"And now watch the screen! Bastian and Chazz have entered all of your names into this system, and I now we well select the students! Go!" he pointed dramatically up at the giant screen behind him, which lit up several different colors, and wagged his hips a bit, making a few girls faint.
The names stopped.
He did.
"Well! What do you know? Looks like our first contestant is the top duelist in this school, Jaden Yuki!"
I groaned and my friends laughed, pushing me up towards the stage when I protested, and soon the rest of the student body was shoving me towards it. Reluctantly I hauled myself up in front of all of them and waited for the other two names to be chosen, although I already had a pretty good idea who I'd be up against.
"Let's start this thing up again! Number two!" Atticus shouted, even though he clearly had a microphone to talk into, and pulled the lever again. The teens all waited with me, their breaths held. "What do you know? Every King needs his Queen!" Atticus chirped excitedly. "Come on down sissy!"
"I'm going to kill him," Alexis informed me as soon as she was next to me.
"Mind if I join you?"
She chuckled. "All the more fun. But when have you been so vindictive Jaden?"
"I'd tell you but I have no idea what you just said," I answered her with a sheepish little laugh, my thoughts drifting dangerously towards the darkness and the mirror again. I reigned it back in and pretended as though I had no clue who the third person would be at all as Atticus pulled the lever again.
"Driana Danchou! Come on up!"
She just laughed as the crowd pushed her up and Atticus helped her take the stage. She settled on my other side and announced, "This is going to be so much fun guys!"
Alexis looked stricken, her eyes darting between me and her quickly.
"What's up Lexi?" I asked as Atticus babbled to the crowd, saying something about volunteers and then randomly picking or something.
"It's nothing, you just sounded exactly like... well Jaden, Driana. This is weird, because you're definitely not acting like Jaden, Jaden."
I opened my mouth to respond but then Atticus jabbed me between the shoulder blades and pushed me back-stage, the other two following grudgingly.
"That's weird; three of our friends got picked!" Syrus announced while the others tasted the gym floor in a classic face-vault.
"Well Syrus, I'd say it was rigged," Jesse answered, jabbing his thumb at the stage and the baffled looking Jaden being pushed out of view.
"What? Why?"
Jesse shrugged openly, gazing towards the stage absently as a student was selected from the crowd and shoved their way to the stage. "I dunno, I've only been here for a few hours!"
Then he laughed at something in the air and said, "Ruby!" rather loudly, earning confused glances from several onlookers, including the small group of friends. He continued to chuckle softly as if something cute or ridiculous had just happened, but the two rivals missed out simply because they could not see duel spirits. Of course, they just thought that Jesse seemed to be on the same crazy train as Jaden for blatantly talking to thin air because of their ignorance—or rather lack of belief, for they had been subjected to these spirits on several occasions.
To break the awkward silence that the two blind duelists felt, Hassleberry took it under his duty to answer the new student. "Atticus wanted us all to get Serge and Private Lexi together, remember Private Trusedale?" Hassleberry reminded Syrus casually, trying not to stare at the giggling duelist. "So of course they'd be up for grabs in this contest thing!"
"Oh, right," Syrus said, nodding and looking pointedly in the opposite direction so he wouldn't stare either. As his big gray eyes scanned the audience, he noticed that someone was pushing their way towards them, occasionally shouting something hostile at whoever was in his way. Syrus became aware that it was Chazz, and that the other must have been listening in because he instantly picked off where they had left it.
"That," Chazz announced, walking into view and dusting off his hands as if he had just been somewhere very dusty, "and the fact that Slacker has a crush on Driana."
"Huh? Since when?" Syrus asked as Hassleberry jumped a little in surprise from the older boy's sudden appearance.
"Since the day they met, duh shrimp," Chazz scoffed, pushing past them so he could lean against the wall and look ominous.
"Oh? Was that what the two of you were speaking of this afternoon?" Bastion inquired, leaning forward as a line of dancing students pushed past their small group and into the bulk of moving bodies.
"No, we were talking about tacos. Of course we were talking about that! And Atticus thinks that my dear Lexi-pie has a crush on that idiotic Slacker, which is just wrong point-blank, but then again he just likes to bother her, so he's just setting it up so I can get my beautiful Alexis!"
"What's going on now?" Jesse asked, cocking his head slightly to the side, his teal spikes crashing like waves into each other. His laughter had been abruptly extinguished.
"I don't know!" Syrus all but shouted over the first (and rather bad) contestant. "I'm so confused!"
"Calm down Sy," Jesse smiled, patting the bluenette on the back and turning to the other three teens in the little circle. "So why don't you guys explain what's going down for us?"
"Yo Anderson, I can do that!"
Jesse visibly stiffened at the sound of the newcomer's voice. Eyes narrowing, he whirled around and faced Artemis Ryoku, his fists clenched.
The other blinked in utter confusion ping-balling their gazes between the two of them. Artemis showed her pearly white and perfect teeth off in her grin, doing just the opposite and slinking up to them, slinging an arm around the European teen's shoulder. He pushed her off angrily and backpedaled until he seemed to be at what he deemed at safe distance.
"What are you doing here Ryoku?" he snapped.
"Just having a good time, turning over a new leaf you know?" she said evenly, sauntering over so that they were within touching distance again. Jesse's face heated up either with anger or embarrassment, but to which the other teens were clueless. "Can't we just start over huh Jesse?"
"No," he said simply and evenly, his face losing the red tinge.
She frowned slightly, her brow furrowing, and then she placed her hand on his bicep and smiled devilishly. "Come on Jesse, you know that you don't hate me."
"You're right I don't hate you. But it's pretty darn close," he muttered, shaking her off once again. Artemis looked mildly puzzled down at her hand and then up into his emerald gaze.
"I've changed sides Jesse, can't you believe that? Drake and I ran away together. We're just trying to start over, and I wanted to apologize to you... for what happened."
"Like hell you do," the normally mellow boy contradicted. As if to prove his point, his family appeared around him in a protective ring, fur and feathers raised and alert. Chazz blinked at the hostile display before he realized that the girl he had fallen to his knees for suddenly did not appeal to him at all.
Strange.
"Jesse..." she sighed. Then she dug into a pocket that she had on her tight black jacket and forced a card into his hands. He blinked, caught off-guard, and she walked away, oblivious to the tiger and giant pink cat circling her. "Just take it, alright, it'd make me feel better."
Then she disappeared into the crowd.
Jesse took one look at the card and then sigh, pocketing it. He could never throw out a card, no matter how vile and disgusting its owner had been.
"What was that all about Anderson?" Chazz demanded. "You seem to have a lot of secrets."
Jesse hesitated slightly. "Not secrets," he said slowly, "just... rotten luck."
"Huh?" Syrus asked, blinking his eyes rather quickly and curiously in the dim lights as some student continued to sing off-key from the stage.
"I'll tell you guys when there aren't as many people 'round to listen, kay?" he replied waving one of his hands around airily at the sea of students flowing around them in a free current radiating from the music. But his eyes were searching through the waters, following the progress of the emerald-eyed teen that had caused him so much pain in North Academy. She sauntered up to the stage easily, whispering something into the "guard's" ears and then kissing him gently on the cheek, and he let her in, dazed and disoriented.
The crowd suddenly seemed rougher and more treacherous; because a new force was coming into disturb the seemingly calm surface. She was going after Jaden Yuki.
(Jaden POV)
"Atticus, where are you taking us?" I wondered, stumbling while he continued to shove me from behind.
"To your dressing rooms!" he shouted to the heavens as if announcing that we had just won one of the greatest gifts that could ever be given.
"Dressing rooms?" Alexis repeated sourly, thumping him between the shoulder blades so he'd stop pushing me. "Atticus, do I have to tell our parent's what you're doing here?"
"Ouch Lexi!" he whined in response, attempting to rub the spot where she had hit him but failed. He looked around suddenly, nodding brightly at the students dashing around the hastily set up walls that were most likely taken from the drama department. "That new girl Artemis was supposed to come and help you out Driana... but I don't see her anywhere..."
Is it just me or does he sound relieved?
I hesitated in my steps so that I could get a good look at my senior in the same grade's face as he passed me, and my suspicions were confirmed. But then again I was dealing with secrets of my own, so I wasn't one to judge.
Two students passed, holding a large mirror that had been dropped at one point, and I had to look in the other direction as quickly as possible to avoid coming in contact with the eyes of the other me.
How is this all possible?!
"Yo!"
We all turned and the sound of the greeting and Artemis Ryoku came swaying up to us, slinging her right arm through Driana's easily and smiling as if in triumph at Atticus. He bit his lip, but said nothing, looking confused and... flustered? Is that the word?
"Come on honey, I'm your manager for the night. We'll bring the house to its knees when we're finished."
"If you say so!" Driana responded brightly, but then she turned to me, all smiles, and held out her hand in a shake. "Let's promise to do our best and make it a great show for all of our friends!"
She seemed... off. Like she was trying really hard to do something, so hard that she was doing it slightly over-the-top, but what?
"Yeah!" I smiled back, trying not to let anyone see my jumbled mind as I put my hand in hers and shook it firmly. She laughed and I would swear later that I saw something glow from under her shirt collar, but in that moment I forgot everything else.
Pain.
My heart was beating wildly, and it was like nothing I had ever remembered experiencing before. I wanted her to be next to me, I wanted her to laugh and smile at me, but for some inexplicable reason I felt as though for some unexplained and horrible reason that we could never be together, and that drove shards of her ice right down into my erratically thudding heart.
Faster.
Our hands fell away from each other, but I was still staring blankly at her as she did the same motion for Alexis. But it was changing rapidly, this feeling. The sadness increased, making me just for all of the world want to go crawl up in my room and hit things until my physical pain outweighed my emotional. But what? What was hurting me? How is she hurting me just by a single touch? What is this feeling?
I felt as if I was slowly being killed, some poison having found its way into my heartbeat and was being pumped slowly throughout the rest of my system, the question of why being echoed over and over again in its destructive wave, pushing all other thoughts far away to the corners of my consciousness, unable to grasp.
My heart continued racing as if it were trying to hammer its way right out of my chest—like it wanted to be given to her. What in Ra's name was going on?
It changed once again, suddenly dropping far below what it would normally beat at, and the pain was gone, relieved from me like the antidote I had been silently screaming for. Relief flooded into my overworked system dimly, but my mind now had only one focus. I smiled softly at her when she let go of my friend's hand and turned away, her gaze lingering slightly, dangerous but concerned. She was all that mattered now...
My eyelids dropped slightly as I watched her go, and I felt a small dose of that life-shattering pain still within me, but I could handle it. We wouldn't be gone for long.
"You alright Jaden?"
I blinked heavily, suddenly wanting nothing more than to curl up into a ball and fall asleep. Yawning loudly I turned to face the worried bea-u-ti-ful friend next to me. I smiled at her, feeling as if I was already wrapped in a warm blanket and snuggled deeply into my bed—half-aware.
"Yeah, perfect Lexi!"
She bit her lip, casting her eyes away as if she were hurting. Some part of me wanted immediately to comfort her in whatever was ailing her, but I found that I was mentally unable to, the lull of sleep was just becoming too strong.
"Come on you love birds!" Atticus announced, although for once in his life even he sounded unsure of what to do as he watched me. I shrugged, not bothering to correct him, for it was just screamingly obvious now who I should be with, who I loved.
"Atticus..." It was a sigh from Alexis, even she didn't seem to be in the mood to contradict her brother.
"Oh? So you admit it finally?" he pressed, starting to walk in the opposite direction that the transfer girl had taken my beloved. Alexis stared at her shoe and I started forward mechanically.
"Well I don't know if we—AHH!" I started calmly, only to have every part of me that was just relaxed and at utter peace jump back to life as a shock coursed through my system courtesy of a thick wire that had just slipped under my foot. Surprise broke the low enchanting beat, adding a miss into the rhythm as my face collided with the unsurprisingly hard ground. It was gone, everything. "Ouch..."
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?! I DON'T FEEL THAT—LOVE?—ANYMORE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
"Jaden! You're such a klutz!" her voice was forced into horrible enthusiasm.
My body then decided to remind me of all of the things that had been pushed away during my little state and I realized that I was still very much terrified of Haou being myself, very much confused (once again) about my relationship with Driana, and very much worried about Alexis.
I pushed myself up to my feet with a small whine and rubbed my forehead, sneaking glances out of the corner of my eyes at her. She looked like me.
Lost.
"What's up Lexi?"
She jumped just about as far as Syrus probably had when we were confronted with the... mirror. "Umm, nothing Jaden, I'm just worried that this big idiot over here is going to make a fool of us."
"Hey! I'm used to being the fool already! It's not that bad Lexi," I smiled falsely, trying to make her laugh. I managed a weak smile to appear on her thin lips. "Now seriously, tell me what's up."
She was suddenly very hostile and defensive, her arms crossed over her chest as if shielding herself from me and her nose pointed in that opposite direction, a frown replacing the small progress I had started to make. "How can I tell someone who can't even tell others what's bothering him?"
The remark not only stung, but reminded me of Haou's watching eyes. My thoughts slipped away from my grasp like soap and I felt myself floundering once more in the dangerous tide, searching for another line to be cast out and save me. Slowly... I started to go under, my strength leaving me and I could see those golden eyes every which way I tried to turn, staring.
Hunting.
Dangerous.
Death.
I could hear their screams now, the screams that haunted me in my dreams, the screams of my friends as they were tortured in those mirrors while I rotted away, doing nothing to ease their pain... staying immoblie in these chains that bound me...
"Oh!" Atticus announced loudly to break up the little disaster waiting to happen. The chains released me. We both jumped, having forgotten his presence temporarily, and I threw out an arm, wrapping it securely around the small piece of driftwood he had offered to keep my from drowning. "I forgot to tell you Lexi! The reason's J-man's been so freaked out lately is because he is finally starting to grow up! He's having certain dreams with you and our other Obelisk female friend, and it's got him freaked out!"
Her shock was written all over her face in the form of a vividly red blush and widened hazel eyes. Slowly, she turned to me as if stunned, and then she looked unsure if she should be flattered or disgusted for some reason. "Jaden... is that true?"
"Yeah," I said with a shrug, going for casualness to try and hide my slipping fingers. "I didn't really know how to tell you that though, so sorry for making you worry! I can tell you about them now if you want!"
For some reason she didn't like this.
WHACK!!
I went down to my knees, clutching the back of my head and letting out a surprised gasp of pain, my grip lost.
"YOU! I THOUGHT—HOW? ATTICUS! You told him to say that didn't you!"
Screaming again, and I heard him chuckle... and now I knew why he sounded some familair, because he sounded like me.
Atticus, who had been quietly cracking up off to the left, looked up in fear. "What—no! I had nothing to do with this! DON'T HURT ME!!"
"Liar!" she shouted, and then proceeded to pound him to the ground until he was begging for mercy.
Then, my... his... voice finally addressed me and I fell under, unable to fight any longer.
You searched for me, but in the form of another being, earlier. You can only find me when you search for yourself within your mind. And why, you fool? For I am you, and you are me.
S-Stop...
Accept that you and I are one, and that you are not just a simpleton with a lucky draw that can save worlds. Your strength is different. Accept it, or perish from your ignorance.
Shut up! Go away! Leave me alone!
We are the same person, that would be impossible. I have always been here.
No! You're lying! You were never there before!
But I was and am and will always be. You may be able to change destiny, Jaden, but in the end you can still not escape it.
I huddled as far away as I mentally could from him, not wanting to hear what he was saying, not willing to accept it as truth. There was a pause, and then the darkness left me to tremble in his own world.
Alexis was done pummeling the unjustly accused and she rounded on me causing me to flinch, still holding my head, and she faltered ever so slightly in her rampage, a stricken expression appearing upon her flawless face. "I'm sorry Jaden, I shouldn't have hit you, it wasn't your fault that my brother said that to you."
"What? Now wait a second Lexi, he didn't—"
"Don't lie to me Jay," she said, smiling softly and then walking in the other direction slowly. Confused, I turned back to the whining party host and shrugged, heading in the general direction of where we had been going, hoping to stumble onto the rooms so I could be alone.
The wanderings of my feet also seemed to allow my mind to wander and I found myself circling around and around the golden eyes in which I had seen on myself, trying to find something to challenge the thoughts that Haou had told me in a dizzing panic of questions. How was that even possible? I could speak with him and he could speak with me, and how can I really talk to myself that in depth? Having a conversation with myself in the literal sense is apparently possible, but what does that mean? How is any of this possible?
And my fear was slowly emerging out of the darkened corner that I had thrust it into in my haste to hide my horror to protect my friends, wild and tormenting with all of the nightmares of death and pain in which I had witnessed whilst twiddling away under the watch of those eyes...
I managed to stumble onto a few rooms, and I found one that had my name on it (Atticus had never been subtle with his plans) and walked in, seeing the mirror a second too late.
Golden eyes.
I couldn't even close my door I was so startled, I could only stare at myself—and yet not myself at all—in the reflective surface. I tried to form words to accompany this complete sense of dread that was washing over me, but it was impossible to do with my limited vocabulary and jumbled up thoughts. So instead I left the door open and sat down on the small bench someone had shoved into my room and stared blankly into the not my face as if Haou in the other universe behind the mirror would answer my questions.
I did not know for how long I sat there, staring blankly into oblivion and into the eyes of what I perceived to be the very devil itself, but refused to acknowledged for that would make me a demon as well, for my thoughts had come to a grinding halt of stunned silence as I simply stared at the liquid precious metal staring back at me with an almost disdainful expression. My breathes were slowing, for they came out in front of me in small crystallized puffs as if someone had turned off the heater, and then my eyelids started to droop, something in my body finally deciding that it had gone through enough torture for one day and was demanding a reprieve from the outside world.
But my dreams seemed to be all the more dangerous, no matter how normal they seemed to be. They all had the same end—my friends ending up hurt somehow, just towards the very end of the pain, even if it is only a glimpse of a tortured face. But all the same I was human, and I could not resist the lull and gentle forgetfulness brought on by the escape into the other, darker world, and I allowed myself to gently drift towards the edges of sleep, hoping for all the world that when I woke up, there would be no one staring out at me other than my true self.
But I had a strange feeling that I had no idea who my true self was. Not anymore.
(Alexis POV)
"Stupid brother..." I muttered as I roamed around the back of the performance area, trying to drown out the wails of students singing or screeching into the just as loud and annoyingly present audience. "Getting Jaden to say that... poor Jay, he had no idea what Atticus had been talking about, he looked so confused when I hit him... wait. I'm talking to myself! Great!"
I came back into myself with a loud huff, irritated by generally everything right now. As much as I felt badly for hitting my Slifer friend for something that he obviously had no idea about, I couldn't quite make myself take it back. It had felt good to be able to smack him, to vent off this anger that he had suddenly instilled me with, all with a simple touch of her hand.
It had said it all.
(Flashback)
"Atticus, where are you taking us?" Jaden wondered, still being pushed forward by my bouncy brother, and the brunette stumbled slightly as the Obelisk student pushed him a bit harder unintentionally, striking a dramatic position with his next reply.
"To your dressing rooms!"
Oh great.
"Dressing rooms?" I parroted, thumping him between the shoulder blades so he'd stop pushing Jaden. My friend stumbled a bit at the sudden lack of pressure and then started walking again at his own pace. "Atticus, do I have to tell our parent's what you're doing here?"
"Ouch Lexi!" he whined in response, attempting to rub the spot where I had hit him but failing miserably. Then he shifted topics with a casual glance around to avoid getting into more trouble. "That new girl Artemis was supposed to come and help you out Driana... but I don't see her anywhere..."
I frowned at the strange tone in my brother's voice, normally he would be happy to see any other girl near him, go into his 'Master of Love' mode and try and impress them, which worked in the end simply because many of the girls here were obsessed fan-girls with the attention span of gnats. Jaden suddenly slowed his steps with a slight hesitation, and I noticed that he used that so that my brother walked past him and he could get a good look at his troubled face without calling attention to the fact, which surprised me.
I didn't take Jaden to be the type who would be able to be discrete in any way at all. After all there was obviously something that was wrong with him but as much as he seems to want to avoid the subject, his face is constantly revealing the fact that he is distressed about something, but the thing is he's gotten pretty darn good at hiding what that thing is.
He definitely noticed that something was wrong with my brother, and sort of dim light appeared in his muddled and confused brown eyes, but then he dismissed it with a sharp jerk of his head in the opposite direction just as two students walked passed awkwardly, carrying a broken mirror. I tried to catch a glimpse of his face but the angle between us was wrong, just like everything else it seemed. I was still stinging from watching his silent displeasure of Jesse and Driana's closeness, and I was worried about him to no end.
There had to be another problem to the equation, jealousy didn't create something like this dark cloud filled thick with misery that was constantly hanging over his head. Although it did seem to disappear when he faced off against Jesse Anderson...
What was he hiding that these two new additions to our groups seemed to be able to cure that I, someone who had been there for him for nearly three years, could not? Did he not trust me like he trusted them?
Jaden, what's wrong with you?
"Yo!"
We all turned and the sound of the greeting and Artemis Ryoku came swaying up to us, slinging her right arm through Driana's easily and smiling as if in triumph at Atticus. I frowned, already not liking this new girl one bit. She seemed like she was a darker version of Atticus the way that she walked and her little entrance into Duel Academy, she seemed like she would do anything to get what she wanted, unlike my brother who would only stop when it would hurt others. This girl gave me the impression of a lioness, that she would tear through anyone in her way to get to her goal, and that she enjoyed breaking hearts.
My brother seemed to sense something similar of sorts about his girl, for he bit his lip, but said nothing, looking confused and... flustered?
Was he impressed by the way she carried herself, by the way she made others turn heads?
"Come on honey, I'm your manager for the night. We'll bring the house to its knees when we're finished," Artemis said in a rather sultry voice, her gaze flickering over to Atticus again and grinning sharply, her teeth practically gleaming in perfection. I scowled, but Driana seemed oblivious to the danger, just like the distracted Jaden next to me.
"If you say so!" Driana responded brightly, but then she turned to Jaden, all smiles, and held out her hand in a shake. "Let's promise to do our best and make it a great show for all of our friends!"
I scowled angrily at the girl, envy flowing through my mind, destroying the gentle zephyr that usually prevailed and replacing it with a hurricane. She was so like Jaden on every level, energetic, bubbly, an all around angel, so it was no wonder that Jaden seemed to have let his guard down around her. And that Jesse Anderson was almost a clone of him, so was that it? Did he think we were inferior compared to them because they were all so alike? Was I just an abnormality in his perfect little world?
I shook away those thoughts, not only because I knew they were untrue, but because they were damaging my emotions more than they should have. The thought of his rejection crushed me, and because of that I felt defeated. I did not need any other person's opinion to define and support my own life. I was supposed to be Ms. Independent, the one girl in the entire Blue Dorm who did not jump at the chance to fall in this supposed 'love' or date or even allow myself to have feelings for another. I didn't need a man by my side to make me strong. I didn't care that everyone thought it strange that I did not date. I could stand up on my own if needed. Rejection by anyone should not make me feel the way it is.
Especially not by Jaden.
"Yeah!" he smiled back, and he blocked his almost panicked expression from view as he put his hand in hers and shook it firmly. She laughed loudly and smiled pleasantly at him, and something in the air between them seemed to change as well, for Jaden's face suddenly was wiped blank as a white board; his eyes suddenly blazing with a torture that seemed to eat him from the inside out, consuming his every muscle and vein as I discretely watched.
Pain.
I noticed that his veins around his neck seemed to be popping out, but his long hair was obscuring my view just enough to prevent me from being certain. Certainty could only be placed on one vein in particular as it knocked against his tanned skin quickly, rising in velocity with every passing millisecond.
Faster.
Driana didn't seem to notice anything, and neither did Atticus for he was watched Artemis watch her nails with disinterest with an intensity that should have had her dead and in the grave long seconds ago. The raven-haired teen turned around and did the same thing for me, making me only grow more anxious because I could focus more on Jaden, who was staring without seeing at the spot where she had been standing only moments in time ago, and his expression was shocked, as if he had just had some kind of a deep realization and that realization was causing him pain—or even that he was lacking the realization and had simply found the correct question he needed to ask to throw himself into chaos.
I was very away of that vein. It was growing more and more distressed in its terrifying self-punishment as it worked itself to death. I was just about to voice my own distress when it just stopped suddenly, and my own heart clenched, fearing that his had stopped. But then I picked it up, a faint little motion now as if it had finally worn itself out and was simply recovering.
My eyes shifted back up to his while Artemis took Driana and spun her around, half-leading her away from us. They were calm, monotonous, peaceful... dead as he watched her go as well, then they filled with something that didn't belong on his face—utter and complete undying affection and devotion above all others for someone else.
My heart stopped beating for a few seconds as well.
How was this even possible—I didn't believe in teenage love—Jaden was the one who seemed to be trying to the most of his ability to prove my beliefs wrong? Jaden, the naïve and bubbly member of our circle of friends, the one that was the most ignorant to the world around him had figured out what love was?
It couldn't be a crush, that look would belong on his face, the little scarlet blush that should have been running across his cheek and the awkward laugh instead of his eyes showing what he was feeling at some deeper level. That kind of love did not belong on such a childish person's face, it seemed to just throw everything out of proportion—the most immature person that I knew with the exception of my brother having such a mature and complicated emotion gracing his complexion. It was just wrong.
But that look was what I had always thought of when I thought of love, and admittedly his eyes were the ones that I always pictured to hold them simply because Jaden always did everything with all of his heart, but that love was much different than this one. Jaden couldn't love her, because I...
I what?
Sadness swept over me now that the concern for his health had vanished, and I was startled by the depths of it. I wallowed in my sudden twist in mood, wondering briefly when Aunt Flo was due, and then accepted the fact that the thought of Jaden loving another girl was making me drown in depression and heartbreak that I had yet to experience in my short life—not a feminine curse.
Or was I distressed that someone else, especially one who I had thought ignorant, had figured out something that I could simply not accept? But why couldn't I accept it? That Jaden had just proved me wrong by showing love on his face?
I tried to think this all through, take it in, but I just couldn't focus on myself right now, because I knew that if I asked myself the obvious question that I would only be giving myself even more heartbre—pain. I won't even think that vile word, because that would only make me think that I... Jaden...
Did I...?
Could I...?
Unable to keep my tongue from voicing itself, I tried to go for the simplest question I had to ask instead of perhaps the most important one that lied somewhere deep within my chest and mind—my heart—my beliefs.
"You alright Jaden?"
Feeble, but it was all I could manage for some strange reason. I felt weak, useless, and above all like a doll that had been coveted for months by a young child and then returned to the shelf as soon as a new toy came into existence—replaced.
As I returned my thoughts outward again I noticed that he seemed fatigued and only half-aware of his surroundings, the epiphany of the ignorance that I had just reflected on. But this state seemed to be worse. He looked for all the world like he was on some kind of heavy pain medication by the way he yawned loudly and looked at me with a simpler version of the... love?... that he had just displayed.
Then he smiled at me, but his mind seemed to be very far away—or maybe not so far after all, just hanging around that of the raven-haired girl's. "Yeah, perfect Lexi!"
He was still using my nickname, but he no longer said it the way he had a week or so ago, or was I just imagining the lack of compassion for me behind the name that I only let him use?
I felt my teeth biting into my lip to prevent me from asking the question again, because I knew something was wrong, even though he seemed to be perfectly okay with it. I tried to look away from him, not wanting to see how relaxed and certain his face was or how he kept unconsciously flicking his eyes towards where he had seen her last.
What kind of emotion other than love could make Jaden Yuki do something like that? Could any artificial feeling make him fall into chaos and then rise again calm and collected?
I knew I was being obvious about my hurt and discomfort, and I knew that he would comment on it, that he had always commented on things like this. He would never let his own friends get away with beating themselves up mentally, and he wouldn't stop pestering until the problem was solved.
But he didn't ask.
My shield against the question that I had to ask myself was being stretched thin and wide, and continuing to stretch now that he seemed to not care about my ailment. I had a feeling that it would soon snap, and I would be left in chaos, but the solution would not give me the peace that Jaden held now.
There was a slightly awkward pause between all of us, and my brother finally spoke up. Even he seemed stunned and unsure at this new revelation, but he tried to immaturely force his way past the obvious and cling onto the relationship that he thought he could create between us.
"Come on you love birds!" Atticus voiced finally.
I almost felt sorry that I hadn't tried.
Almost, Jaden's heart obviously belonged to someone else, so I shouldn't feel sorry that I had stopped a false and hard bump that would have potentially ruined our friendship...
Jaden simply shrugged off the comment like it was the most ridiculous thing that he had ever heard and gazed vacantly off into the distant, a warm smile appearing on his lips and his eyes drooping.
"Atticus..."
It was all I could offer as a rebuke without letting everything that I felt I couldn't say out.
"Oh? So you admit it finally?" he pressed, starting to walk in the opposite direction that the transfer girl had taken Jaden's heart. I couldn't even look at them anymore, it hurt so much. So I settled with my shoes, which matched my feelings with such a cliché I almost laughed bitterly at the irony of it all. Blue was the color that defined sorrow.
Red was for compassion and love—Jaden's dorm of choice.
Then Jaden opened his mouth to finally comment on my brother's statement, and he said it with such a calm and mature tone that I thought I was going to snap, "Well I don't know if we—AHH!!"—but then comedy came to my rescue.
The illusion of love seemed to shatter from Jaden's crystalline mask when he tripped over one of the many cords that decorated the freezing confines of the hastily composed back-stage. He lay there, stunned, for a few thin seconds and then seemed to come back to himself in a panic powerful and strong, but he only muttered, "Ouch" shoving the fact that he was hiding his unease from me again.
Confusion laced its way into his face once more, and I knew that that emotion at least belonged there on his face, but really; it seemed so insignificant compared to that other thing. But I couldn't let him know that I knew, and that the information was hurting me for reasons that I stretched my defenses out to refuse acknowledgement. I was going to support him, because that was what friend did, and it seemed that was all we could ever be...
Not that I minded.
"Jaden! You're such a klutz!" I said in an attempt to sound normal, but it came out too enthusiastic. I had never needed to become an actress for normal feelings, and sealing him out into my colder mask would only confirm that I was hurting. I would have to learn to act then, just as he had.
He started to push himself up then, and I could feel his eyes on me several different times, and then the concern finally made itself apparent in his voice, mirroring what I had been asking him only moments before.
"What's up Lexi?"
I jumped. How could he not know what was wrong? It was glaringly obvious even if I refused to admit it to save both of us pain. "Umm, nothing Jaden, I'm just worried that this big idiot over here is going to make a fool of us."
Feeble again. I thought I was stronger than this, but why was everything coming out so weak and helpless like the damsel in distress I never wanted to be?
"Hey! I'm used to being the fool already! It's not that bad Lexi," he smiled at me, warm like the sun's rays on a cool day, trying to melt through the thoughts that I had frozen. I managed a weak smile and he grinned even harder as if he had just been given a chance to duel against his idol. Then his eyes regained some level of maturity—seriousness and concern. "Now seriously, tell me what's up."
I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't want to dwell on this, and I didn't want him pushing me when my own pushing had only gotten him to snap at me and then almost tell me that he lo—
Stop it!
"How can I tell someone who can't even tell others what's bothering him?" It came out harsher than I meant it to, or maybe I did want to say it that way. Everything was just so mixed up and bubbling over that I couldn't tell up from down. He recoiled slightly, his eyes acknowledging that I was angry and that he had been wrong. That only made me angrier for reasons that I couldn't voice.
"Oh!" Atticus announced loudly to break up the little disaster waiting to happen. We both jumped, having forgotten his presence temporarily. "I forgot to tell you Lexi! The reason's J-man's been so freaked out lately is because he is finally starting to grow up! He's having certain dreams with you and our other Obelisk female friend, and it's got him freaked out!"
...What? Jaden? But...
Wait, he had one of those... with me?
Unsure of what to say or do, I just stood there, staring at him. Some parts of my shield started to wear thin, small tears allowing some thoughts that I'd rather keep in the dark appear, forcing me to admit things I'd rather kept unsaid.
I liked the fact that he recognized that I was a woman and not just another one of his guy friends...
But... to say something like that... and so casually... and he had them about Driana as well...
"Jaden... is that true?"
"Yeah." He didn't seem to think anything of it at all, like it was just some kind of a fluke or something, or just something that was bound to happen because he only had three female friends, one of which was only just turning eleven years old. "I didn't really know how to tell you that though, so sorry for making you worry! I can tell you about them now if you want!"
WHACK!!
It was an instant reaction to his statement, and it was satisfying to feel my hand collide with his hard skull, and then to watch as he went down in surprise, the breath leaving him. How could he say that?! Did he even know what he was talking about?!
"YOU! I THOUGHT—HOW?" I hollered, appalled by his words. Then I made a connection as Atticus started to chuckle off to the side. That little... "ATTICUS! You told him to say that didn't you!"
A look of fear entered his eyes and I felt a dark streak of enjoyment course through me. "What—no! I had nothing to do with this! DON'T HURT ME!!"
"Liar!" I shouted, and then I proceeded to pound him to the ground until he was begging for mercy. How could he take advantage of Jaden's innocence like that?!
And then I had to punch down the sadness that started to bleed from my heart at the fact that it was hopeless, Jaden was still lying to us all if he had no idea what Atticus had been hinting at, and that he did not think of my romantically at all, which DIDN'T bother me, but the fact that he just thought I was another one of his male friends.
The hurt boiled over, and I knew I would have to admit it to myself some time this night before I exploded, but now wasn't the time. Instead I whirled back to my original target, intending only to help him up, but my face must still have been angered, for he flinched sharply, clutching his head. I came to a crashing halt at the sight. I had never meant to hurt him, he was the only one that I didn't feel the need to hit every once in a while. I sighed, "I'm sorry Jaden, I shouldn't have hit you, it wasn't your fault that my brother said that to you."
He tried to defend his friend as he stood back up, his eyes locking with mine, but I didn't let him continue to get caught up in this mess even more than he was.
"Don't lie to me Jay."
And then I walked off.
(END FLASHBACK)
I came to a halt when I noticed that I had walked around in a complete circle whilst I had been down the painful memory lane. In front of me was Atticus, waving his hands around to students from the sewing club who were taking several different outfits out of large boxes that had obviously been hand-made some days prior.
Sighing, I snuck past him and towards the area where I hoped our little rooms were so I could compose myself enough to survive the night without revealing what I refused to acknowledge to all of Duel Academy. I had no place to feel this way, not with how Jaden feels for Driana. I would only be hurting our friendship if I told him I had feelings that he couldn't return.
I rubbed the goose-bumps on my arms and noticed that my breath was starting to show in the air. Stunned, I halted and walked back in the frigid air to Atticus, wanting to know what was up with the cool air.
"Lexi!" he smiled when he saw me, waving energetically and nearly knocking over the pile of clothing being arranged and hung up on a rack. "You're back!"
He made a dramatic attempt to hug me, and I let him simply because of how cold it was in here for someone in an annoying mini-skirt and sleeveless shirt. "Why is it so cold back here?"
"Oh! I accidently broke the heating and cooling in the gym when I was trying to fix the lights!" he announced.
"Why were you trying to fix the lights?" I shuddered, pacing from foot to foot, secretly thankful that the cold was stealing away any of the thoughts that attempted to block up my mind again.
"Because Bastion was still working on the karaoke machine of course! And I didn't know what those wires were for anyway... besides we'll be kicked out of here by DA discipline squad before the cold does any real damage to all those sweaty peeps out there!"
"What about back here?" I demanded, rubbing my knees together to get warm.
"You'll be fine once you change into your outfits and then throw on a coat!" he grinned, and then he was swept away to deal with some other party dilemma. I was left, shivering, in that small little area while I saw him jump down from the stage and pat the Obelisk standing guard on the back before he walked off, now carrying a bunch of water bottles with some other person.
Deciding that walking would be warmer, I tried to find the dressing rooms again, cursing myself under my breath for not asking. A few minutes later I happened upon them, thanking whoever was watching that the backstage area was relatively small, and then I noticed that Jaden's door was open. Curious against my better judgment, I peeked in the room.
I first noticed a full-view mirror directly across from the door and allowed a weak smile to tug at the corners of my lips at Atticus' seeming obsession with mirrors. In that piece of vanity I searched briefly for Jaden only to find him asleep on a small bench to my left that had been placed in the tiny excuse for a dressing room. He was shivering lightly, his eyes squeezed shut tightly.
A strong pang broke through my walls and shook my defenses as I watched him, processing the exhaustion that he was finally showing. The poor boy's expression was still tensed, even as he slept. That wasn't the Jaden I knew at all. That wasn't the Jaden that I li...
He trembled again in his sad attempt to get a promising sleep, either from the cold or his own thoughts, I wasn't ever to know. But shouldn't I try to find something to warm him up at least? He'd do that for me...
I bit my lip, undecided. Driana's door a few down was already firmly closed and I could hear low voices chattering in it, so obviously Artemis was already trying to force the innocent Obelisk into something inappropriate. No one else was around... so what could it hurt?
I walked inside his room and closed the door behind me, sitting down next to him and just watching his as he slept. He turned his head to the side and his fingers twitched before curling into weak fists, a small whimper escaping from his lips. Frowning now, I scooted closer to him, intending to keep us both warmer if nothing else. His body tensed and I feared that I had just done the impossible and woken up a slumbering Jaden Yuki, but then he relaxed again and his head lolled slightly, his eye moving rapidly behind his lids.
Dreaming then?
Unbidden images aroused themselves into my head before I pushed them aside. Unable to help it any longer, I put one of my arms around him and pulled the slumbering boy into a gentle hug, whispering into his ear, "Jaden, what's wrong with you? I only want to help you... why won't you tell me anything?"
All he did was snuggle up closer to his new source of warmth in response and sigh into my hair contentedly. Now trapped, I scowled at myself for thinking that just because he didn't wake up didn't mean he wouldn't move. But his embrace and acceptance was calming and alluring, and I found myself burrowing into his hair as well with a sigh.
Maybe now... in this moment I could say it and be rid of it...
Jaden muttered something in his sleep and moved closer to me, his limp fist suddenly uncurling and finding my fingers to squeeze instead. Yes, this would just be so much easier... to imagine that he was awake and holding my hand... saying things into my ear... me holding him...
"Jaden... there's something that I have to say, even though you can't hear it..."
He sighed again, sending his warm breath scolding across my ear and neck. I tried to smile, but instead a few flecks of moisture escaped my eyes. I wiped them off using my hand closest to my face before continuing, telling myself that I wouldn't break.
"I know that you really like... maybe even love... Driana... but I have to say this before I can't hold it in anymore..."
I took a deep breath, finally allowing my shield to clutter to the ground and shatter, allowing all of my displeasure and anger towards the young girl that I had felt to fester in the form of jealousy that I didn't want to admit to, all the moments where Jaden had smiled at me or stood in the face of death to protect me congeal in the crush that I had developed for him.
"I really like you Jaden..."
There, I said it... But my mouth kept moving.
"I can't say love, because I don't know what it is, as much as I hate to admit it... I wish that I had what you felt for Driana, because them maybe..."
A smile appeared on your lips, I could feel it as they brushed past my hair. I composed myself again and finished what I had refused to say for what felt like eternity. "Because then maybe you'd love me instead..."
He was still after that, simply breathing easily in and out in my warm arms, and I allowed myself to breath as well. It was over, I had said it. And I still had my own sense of sanity left in me. I could deal with this. I would be happy for Jaden and Driana... because I knew this boy that I was cherishing at this very moment deserved to be happy over everyone else here, including myself.
He was the hero, and he needed his happily ever after, as cliché as it might be. And if that means I have to be on the sidelines while he chooses his fair maiden to save, then so be it. His happiness is what matters... it's all that matters...
And I continued to repeat those words, for maybe if I keep telling myself that, I'd believe it.
I'm sure you've noticed that season three Asuka/Alexis is really weak and doesn't duel at all, so I'm trying to plant the seeds that will start with her umm... un-character development.
I think I'm overdoing it a bit, and I would appreciate any advice that you guys have.
And this continues on to be WAY longer than I expected, but I'm pretty confindent that it will only last one more chapter!
smiles
Please don't kill me?
Then Without You will be written and updated ASAP!
Part 3