A/N: Putting this out there: Yes Damon and Elena will be together. Once more I am sticking to spoilers and trying to keep it close to how she would do it on t.v. JP stated Damon would have some alone time, his walls would come up, and for me…this means Elena must break them down. Maybe be jealous for a time? Hehe. This is a tribute to her thoughts. First she must become herself as she is now. Elena is not old Elena. But she can't do that the normal way. Damon can't shake Elena. She has to fight for Damon. Elena would only do this if she is weak before, or her feelings changed. As a human-meh, but as a vampire rawr. We know Elena to be devoted despite how she feels for Stefan. Also that she will be bad ass. The "eyes" plot is a way to bring this together. Death will change her, but it was only a couple of days since she changed. I wanted to give her some time to adapt before placing them in bed right off. I personally feel it adds desire, angst and longing as you feel them long for one another. It's her turn to suffer with it and push for Damon. Ch. 10 was the half-way point. I am not stelena fan by any means and I cannot wait until I can move her passed that. She has to earn it. I want Elena to go all out for Damon like he deserves. After that phone call he is worth it. Now she will start to see her mistake, and the depth of his actions towards her. This will change her perception of him, and pull Stefan and her apart despite how she is committed to finishing what they started. Then there is the blood issue Stefan will not be able to help her with. It will all come back to Damon. Stefan will notice that as well. Caroline will play a role in helping Stefan, especially if he nears a relapse. (all jp spoilers). I've decided to move us forward some to aid in that.
S 4: TVD: Elena dies
Ch. 11
(A week has passed)
Caroline dialed Tyler's number, but as always, it went to voice mail. "What the hell," she said aloud placing the phone on her knee.
"What's up," Elena asked her friend from the door way.
"It's like he doesn't care. I keep asking Bonnie what he is up to, but she's all hush, hush. I mean he could be in danger out there." Caroline's face fell. "He should be here with me. With us."
"We are so isolated out here." Elena commented in agreement.
"Are you hungry?" Caroline asked her friend who was looking pretty forlorn lately. Who could blame Elena, the girl had died how many times now? A fact that, Caroline noticed, had severely changed her. It was hard to place ash she studied her friend. There was an air of finality in her face, a grown up strength and a sense of loss.
It had been ripped away from her. Just like my life had been, Caroline thought to herself. It's the hardest part, knowing you have only these choices, and this life. No kids, no family, just blood and death to follow you throughout the ages; and the loss of your time, your friends, your home town. How many more years do I have before I have to move myself, she wondered. I only hope Elena will come with me.
Ugh, Elena sighed inwardly at the mention of food. She never wanted to 'eat' again. Reminders of those ASPCA commercials rushed through her thoughts leaving their trail of guilt as always. If they could see what happens to the local wildlife, PETA would stake her themselves.
All she could think about was necks, blood and biting things. And Damon's face. Real blood not that animal shit. Bonnie's blood…She had a new found respect for the way Stefan…ate. But then she understood why now. His guilt must be tenfold-and I only licked Bonnie's blood. Maybe that's why he can tolerate it.
"Um…," Feeling desperately immoral, she wanted the real thing, but was too worried to say it. Adding to the mountain of guilty feelings and sensations, Elena longed to feel a sense of choice.
"It tastes like shit, I know." Their eyes met and they giggled some. "it beats hurting someone, and having it on you conscious."
Sighing with a hint of a fading smile, Elena sat next to her. "Yeah it does."
"I bit Matt a few times…Stefan stopped me."
"Is that why I am here?" Explains why Caroline treated him bad way back. She understood that, once. Being a vampire kind of made you want to test the limits and rise above, until you were crudely reminded you were well below the standard. Humanity just wasn't the same no matter how hard she tried to reason with herself. You couldn't cope or use the same reasoning as a human. Something Elena had found out real fast. The hunger drowned out everything. Needs took over. Your nature takes over, she corrected. It was like she was inside a shell that she didn't have control over. At times, her sense of right and wrong was blurred by the need.
I need you…her mind ached for some strength. A feeling she felt without. Though they were trying to teach her control, she felt more and more out of control by the minute.
"Kind of…it helps to focus on things without distraction. Oh! Bonnie called. That new guy…he's bad news. I'll tell you about it later, but he is pretty bold. In so far as we can tell, no one knows about you. The problem is-he took over the council. Alaric ratted Damon and Stefan out, as well as me and Tyler."
"When can I go home then?" Elena desperately missed Jeremy. Thinking of him all alone in that big house…a house everyone died in….she shivered.
"Soon, Elena, we can't be seen and we can't help you there. Once you are able to control vamping out…trust me…look," she grabbed Elena's shoulders to drop the bombshell. "They added vervane to the water supply."
"They what?" Elena faced Caroline then, eyes wide. Her head bobbed sideways. "Anyway!" she lifted her hand which held a bottle. "Yeah, about that." Caroline plastered a fake smile on her face and shook up the vervane. Her expression wavered as Elena's eyes became weary.
Elena sagged and Caroline patted her shoulder. I remember those days, she thought towards her friend.
"Have you and Stefan-you know-yet?"
Instead of a smile, or a hint of embarrassment, she noticed Elena pale some. "No. It doesn't feel right."
"Too much time since you guys been close?"
"Not exactly." Elena avoided her gaze and took the bottle.
"C'mon. It's not Damon is it?" Caroline didn't see what she cared about with Damon. Then again, Damon had always had a thing for her. "He just up and left right when things got complicated."
"I dunno what it is," Elena starred off into the distance irritated. She had no idea about the real Damon; Elena tried to remain calm to her words.
Struggling to understand, "Is it sex, desire…I mean he's hot until he opens his mouth."
Elena's eyes fell. Sex with Damon…oh god in heaven. She almost had in Denver, and a few other times after the change. She remembered getting so lost, so caught up in him. The feel of his hands roaming her body like some ravaging animal.
God dammit!
Elena's eyes had veined unbeknownst to her. "OK, spill it." Fed up, Caroline wanted to know where Elena's head was. The man who loved her was out there hurting. He was also hunting and it provided a great time to figure things out. "Tell me," she said softer.
"He wished me well." That was all she said.
Caroline stared at her for a moment confused. "He dropped you here and left wishing you well. After all that bullshit about caring about you and he-"
"Stop it." Elena's face grew enraged, her eyes beginning to vamp out further. Caroline held up both hands towards her friend who was obviously feeling somewhat intense.
"Ok, ok." Caroline backed off. "Your eyes, Elena"
Absently she touched her eyes, and then her hand fell. "Look you wouldn't understand. Even I don't." She slipped a rubber band off her wrist and tied her hair into a ponytail, Elena sat patiently waiting for Caroline to combust.
"You care about him." Caroline figured she'd let Elena find her own way to say what she felt so adamant about.
"I love him." It was a soft whisper, hardly audible.
Caroline froze with disbelief. "But he hurt me. He killed your brother…"
"I know, I know," Elena said exasperated. "Stefan killed Andy. Tore apart bodies…That was then and this is now."
"And you are going to forget all of that? And Stefan is here trying to make up for it."
"He hid it…just like Damon does. Damon made up for more than you know. Like they are opposite what they pretend to be."
"Honey, Damon doesn't hide who he is. And he certainly isn't here."
"You have no idea…"
Stumped, Caroline pushed. "What did he do?"
Elena faltered unsure whether to tell Caroline or not. She and Stefan seemed close these days. "I know Stefan was good to you during your transition."
Oh none of that, Elena, she thought to herself. "I am a friend first, Elena."
"Damon compelled me."
"No surprise sweetie." The blond noted Elena's hair and tousled it some.
"It's what he said and did though. It wasn't like him."
"Go on," she replied intrigued.
Elena looked around making sure Stefan was gone once more. "He said things…like Stefan deserved me and he didn't. He told me he was in love with me but he couldn't be selfish. Every good thing he did he compelled me to forget so it wouldn't come between Stefan and me. Caroline…he even cried. Then there was the time we met. I met him first -the night my parents died."
Caroline's face swapped through emotions quicker that changing tunes on a cd changer. "You met him first. He let you just walk away?"
She nodded. "When I called him, because he was going to die when Klaus did, I told him…maybe if we had met first. We did. It grates on me that he said nothing as I ran home. What he must have felt…He wished me well and didn't even hurt me, didn't try to kiss me. He told me he loved me, and he let me go because he didn't deserve me."
Caroline's eyes were wide in disbelief. There was no way…"When he got with Andie?"
"His attempt to let us be." Elena's head bobbed as she began to cry. "I missed everything that was right under my nose. All this stuff he did because he loved me, he watched us all that time staying silent. How I berated him. I know he had no rights to me…but he was so selfless. Without being asked to be. And all we thought of him was 'oh it's just Damon being quick to anger'. He remembered my necklace when we first killed Elijah. He gave it back on my birthday too."
Everything she'd felt and been holding back rushed out to the surface.
It was the little things then, Caroline noted surprised to all hell. It was the most romantic thing…but Stefan. "He doesn't respect your choices, or your friends' lives-Jeremy. While its passionate-it's all for you. Only you. That can't be good for either of you."
"Stefan was quick to dismiss Jeremy as well for revenge. Damon never left my side, and it's all I can think about. I know Stefan went ripper to save Damon, but when he had choice-he still left. Only now that Klaus is gone are we here, and I wonder about that. They are the same in so many ways." Her head shook from side to side.
"Maybe that is why you are drawn to him."
"No. I am sure. It was budding in him-feelings for others. Caroline, I destroyed it. I had no idea things felt this way, that things were so hard this way. I was so wrong to judge him, either of them." She was openly sobbing now. "That's both good and bad. I feel…moved, cherished even…his passion is like a furnace. It's all for me. It scares me even now. Stefan is steady and comes from a place of goodness…" She looked away. "And I know about the choices, the way he controls things. But in reality-he was right. I wanted choice so bad I was too stupid to be objective of someone who lived so much longer than I. What good did choice get me? Look at me."
"Don't blame Stefan, sweetie. He did as you wanted and saved Matt. Do you know what a selfless act that was? If anything, be proud that you gave your life for his. It was totally Elena. That is forever yours. Klaus is the real one to blame. He mistreated you, and you would have died from the injury. Meredith had no idea. Hell Klaus'd probably blame all of us if he were still here. It came down to him and all those times he tried to kill you."
"I don't blame Stefan. I feel…I don't know. Mad just a little but I don't know why. Like why he couldn't save us both, why he had to listen to me, why he can't keep me safe like Damon. I wouldn't change Matt being alive-but I can't help it."
"You were robbed of your life, Elena." Caroline twitched. This was seriously different for Elena to be saying. But then she kind of understood it, the way her life always hung in the balance. "I can't hope to know what you feel."
"I feel bad because you even died as a result of me in some way. I have this rage inside, and yet an opposing opinion on the matter." She fell back frustrated. "He did everything to keep Stefan and me together, safe. How it must have hurt. Not saying I felt that way then, but his sacrifices all those months…and he is always there. And I do feel bad…for loving him. Caroline-we never listened to him. Now look at us. He even took a bite for you, and what happened after that. You never thanked him."
Caroline got a bit defensive then. "It's not Stefan's fault you are like this though. I can't thank Damon for that. Please don't expect that, as it is unrealistic. It took his brother into dark places and he kissed you when he should have been watching you. He never said sorry to me. I am thankful he did that for me, but…Stefan is broken now because of it."
"He gave you blood to heal you without question. Kat killed you to sacrifice us. He saved you from the wolf now Stefan suffers. He kissed me because he knew-he's always known how I feel before even I did." And I fought him still. "Jeremy paid the price for me then. I feel all these things…I just want to be free of them." I didn't feel that way back then, but I did start to. Since we first met, Elena figured. IT has been there. I see it now.
"You kissed him back. That scares me Elena." She thought about her friends words. Elena always wanting to believe the best in them but how long would it last? "You're right, I guess. I should have thanked him. Maybe he would have warmed up to me-us. I can't help that I do not like him, or want him near you. He hurts people. Not all of us are as strong as you when it comes to being hurt. I can't help the past."
"I wasn't with Stefan when we kissed. We let him go, but Damon told me before he kissed me. It's just his way. And I know it was wrong, I told him he couldn't do it again but I wanted to. It was the time between him killing our plan, and the realization that he did it to save Damon. I just fell for him, Caroline. I don't know how, despite all his wrongs, I love him. He is always there."
"Damon wanted to end my life, he hurt me, but you saved me. Please try to understand us on the other side of his rage. You were lucky to be so loved, but many of us suffered for that love. Now Stefan will."
"That's the guilt I feel for loving him. I know." She stood and went back to the window. "I don't blame Matt or Jeremy. Or Meredith. Not really. I don't know. I feel so conflicted. I really didn't want this. Now all of my feelings are all over the fucking place." She crossed her arms, her brows falling into a deep V.
"We know, and we've all been there. We are all with you, sweetie. For once-we get it. We understand. What are you going to do then?"
"I love him, Caroline. BUT I don't know what to do. You heard him when he left here. There is a totally different side under all the bull crap he says and does. I can't…I can't lose him. I don't want to hurt Stefan either. What I felt…it changed."
"He must really need to be loved. Tragic that bitch screwed with him."
Ah, Katherine. "Life has. So did I. I didn't mean for that to happen, and now, with all I know… He's gone. He won't hear me."
Caroline stood going towards Elena. "Are you sure this isn't just lust, loss working its way out?"
"No, not totally. I want to do as I feel. More than anything for once…I need to just be." Damon understood her even from a distance. Was it just lust? I don't think so, Elena wondered. Until she found him, she would never be certain.
The girls embraced, Caroline holding her friend who was desperate and lost. "I know. I'm forever 17 now, remember?" They pulled apart, Caroline smiling at Elena. "At least I have you. I don't feel as alone. Together besties, right? Tyler is getting on my last nerve too. MEN" Her attempt to lighten the situation didn't fall into Elena's eyes.
Caroline knew she must really be hurting inside. Torn, unsure, needing. It was like her best friend was gone to some degree. She didn't think Elena was going to be as selfless she she'd been as a human. Compassion was there, but she seemed…angry, lost, and confused. All of the attempts on her life had finally surfaced and etched away. She wasn't like Katherine, but definitely well-defined and further adamant about what she felt. There was darkness about the rage Elena was feeling that even Caroline noticed. "You think you'll be OK?"
Elena nodded yes reverently with tears pooling in her eyes. "Please don't tell Stefan." Definitely compassionate and not selfish, Caroline noted with relief. We do not need another Katherine.
"I won't, but you should. Do you even still love him, Elena?"
"I don't know if I am in love with him. How could I be if I fell in love with Damon? I feel strong things for him, but when I think of Damon everything fades. What do I say? I made a choice, destroyed any progress your brother made, tore a line between you two and I still don't know how I feel? I can't. It has Katherine written all over it. Maybe I should be alone. We've been out here a week and Stefan and I haven't even talked much. He's all guilty, and I'm…whatever this is."
"Maybe not now, but he is hurting. I don't know if he'll make it if you leave him now."
God leave him…it sounded so wrong, but she just didn't quite feel the same about it. And her life was always about other people, now as a vampire, no one could die for her. Matt was alive, and this made her feel good. The problem came in those who suffered for her, for the vampires, and because of Damon's love for her. It put to rest the guilt she had long carried now that she was dead. Now she needed to make peace with others.
She needed Damon desperately though, heaven help her.
Maybe they would judge her for loving him. Maybe she still did herself. It wouldn't change that she did indeed love him. She'd tried for a week to escape the truth, but she was tired of fighting it. There was no escaping a fire that burned everything around you. She'd even said the words to Matt, 'he just consumes me'. For fuck sake…Elena pressed her head against the wall.
Need you, need you, need you…
The way Damon had kissed her. The way she'd gotten lost in it with him…she shouldn't have fell for him if Stefan was the one. But she did care about Stefan. "Help him, Caroline. He has no Lexi and I am-not much better with what I am. I can't…all I think about is blood, myself. He needs a reason that doesn't stem from just me; a reason to go on and live."
She remembered the day he wanted to die for his sins when they'd broken up so long ago. The way she wanted to die when her parents died. That also defined him. Love-knowing he could be loved… He needs to do it for himself…for those he could hurt. "I don't want to 'leave him' but I don't know how long can stay this way. It's not fair to him," she made a disgusted face. "I will not cheat. Alone is better. He'll still hurt if he sees me near Damon."
It felt both wrong and so right. Damon, Damon, Damon…
ARG! Part of her had already known that about Stefan when she made her choice. That he would need her shoulder to fall on. And she loved him, cared, and wanted to help. She'd tried all summer to find and help him. She felt she owed it to him to stand by his side like he always had her. How shallow does this make me, she worried deep in her heart. It was a literal pain to feel so torn. After all that searching and following and believing there would always be Stefan and Elena-here she was.
Without Damon. Thinking of Damon, his arms, his lips, his pain.
You never know what you've lost until it's gone. Then everything becomes clear. Am I going to do this? She wondered to herself. Take this chance….? Can I do it?
More days passed.
Tears slipped down her face, and she didn't bother to hide them. My world is lost, I have nothing. All this work, I need to hold it together for Jeremy. I may not choose forever, Caroline, she thought to herself. A world without Damon in it was no world at all. A world hurting Stefan was not something she cherished either. "I have to tell him the truth." Stefan had gone hunting alone, Elena refused to eat.
The words she knew to be truth fell from her lips like the tears from her eyes. Caroline was in the kitchen, and turned when Elena had said the words.
"I fell out of love, I think. I can't fight it. I didn't mean for it to happen. He kissed me at the dance, he kissed me good bye…It just wasn't the same. It was like when I was with Matt and we had a 'goodbye to Elena' on the bridge. I am not the same person. I knew but I chose him anyway. I let Damon go. Now I'm about to let Stefan go. What does that make me? Will you hate me for it?"
Caroline remained quiet as her friend emotionally vomited this news to her. "I won't hate you. I may not understand it, or even like it, just be sure you know what you are doing." Caroline rubbed the side of Elena's arms. This was very hard for her to admit, and hard for Caroline to see Elena make this choice. "Take time honey, you have it now."
"I may wait…I don't want to see Stefan hurt himself, or go back to the way he was."
Caroline smiled at her. Compassionate till the end. "I think that is smart."
Three more days went by.
Is it because I am a new vampire, she wondered day after day as the pain of Damon's loss depraved her of a peaceful thought. She loved Stefan, but something had become too transparent. After another week passed now, she was over the animal diet. She was also surer of herself and how she felt. When Damon had left, her world had crumbled. She needed him, this much was true. Stefan seemed to notice this as well. He never said a word, never touched her, and seemed upset about her lack of interest in chasing prey.
He worried.
Thinking back, when she'd let Stefan go not so long ago, she really had known it was goodbye. The last kisses she'd shared with Stefan were affirmation of it despite her tendency to not let go. She'd clung to the idea and the past with any rope she could find. It was all she knew, but the real terror she'd been afraid of had happened. She was undead now, and it seemed nothing could hurt worse than that. Until Damon had left. But things, being killed so many times, they start to become clear.
Caroline thought she'd become fixated in her despair.
Would Stefan get passed Damon and her together? Would he survive it or even forgive them? Would he forgive himself for letting his revenge be the cause for them falling in love? This one thing bothered Elena as the days grew on. She needed to know he would be ok, that she didn't have to feel the guilt of his pain. That he could understand she was not like Katherine.
Everything about them was out in the open. He had loved human Elena…a girl that could no longer be. Not with all these thoughts on blood, these desires, and…whatever awaited her. She now understood what Damon meant when he said she should have met him in 1864. Would he also draw away from her now that she was a vampire? Could she even attempt to reach him now that the walls were up? What had he been doing in the two weeks since he'd so viciously left her?
Caroline walked in on Elena, after a moment she commented. "You're different."
Elena queried her friend, "How so?"
"I know you feel weak, but you're doing really well. It can't be easy to be you. Only you, Elena. Give it time to make sure you are not confusing-"
"It's been two weeks, and its time I go home." Elena left it there with no room for argument. Calls had been coming in about Connor, and Jeremy seemed lonely. She needed to go home, to her roots. Find herself. Find Damon.
The despair Stefan had warned her about on the cliff that was what she was feeling. Now that she had him back, she realized that burning ache was for Damon. She was consumed with and by him. She respected Stefan and Caroline's choice of diet, but it wasn't for her. He didn't seem to understand this. He thought she'd be like him.
"It's too soon, Elena. It won't be the same as before." Stefan argued. Maybe he wanted just a little more time with her; he wasn't sure why he argued. He'd noticed how far away she seemed, and he already knew. She'd wanted to choose Damon. That's why he'd kissed her that last night. He wanted her to remember them, but it seemed like his revenge had brought them even closer. Denver…that had solidified something. He'd done this to himself. Pushed her into Damon's arms. The fear of losing him, before the crash, had prompted her choice.
Maybe she could save his brother, at the very least, from himself. At some point, Stefan began to wonder why she even stayed. Then it hit him-her guilt, her worry. Smiling inside, he knew the heart of Elena would always remain. She couldn't be like him when it came to feeding-she was restless. For now, anyway. Not like she had been as a human either. Still, he thought he would fight on for her, as she was still young. If she loved him, maybe the thing with Damon would play out and she would come back to him. Right now her loss was ruling her.
Elena had walked away from the argument. Why bother, she wondered. She knew the real secret Damon. Jeremy had said he was spending a lot of time with Dr. Fell at the bar and she began to worry. And she loved every inch of him with every fiber of her being. It called out to her, she knew he needed her. And now, it was apparently clear, she needed him to. That's when she decided to sneak out and head home. Do what you feel, he'd said.
She'd made the wrong choice after all.
She was doing what felt right. Going to Damon.