*The following writing is very untidy, written by a shaking hand and barely respecting the spaces between words and paragraphs.*

9-May-2014

There is nothing that can save us; there is no point in hoping. There is less than nothing…

I got called today by Jonah Hernandez, Sakura's superior in the Emergency Service… he asked me if I could contact her and tell her to talk to him. Then I got curious and asked him what it was all about. He said it was something that happened after her last visit at the ultrasound two days ago, stating she got irritated and threw her badge away afterwards. However, he didn't seem to want to share too much about the ultrasound, so I figured I would look it up in her medical files. What I found made me very suspicious. There was no record of her having an ultrasound in the past month at the Bayside medical center, so I looked up to see if there was any record at the El Quebrados hospital, but I had no luck there either.

At first I was just afraid that there might be something going bad with the pregnancy, so I decided to call her eventually. She seemed a bit lost after I told her I talked to Hernandez, yet she claimed she didn't see him, nor did she take an ultrasound in the past month, just like the records claimed. Yet what really got me suspicious was when she called Hernandez a lire… wouldn't someone involved in something like this simply take it as a misunderstanding rather than a made up story?

So I kept searching through while trying to keep her on the phone. I eventually asked her if her medical insurance only applied to the hospitals within Tierra Robada. After she confirmed it I knew that she could only have taken an ultrasound in Tierra, which meant that if Hernandez was telling me the truth, then whatever happened was kept off the records. She called me back after a few minutes wanting to know exactly what did Hernandez say. It was obvious she feared he might have slipped something to me, so while trying to keep her on the phone I looked up Jonah Hernandez to see if he was around, but most likely he was out of town as I didn't manage to get a hold of him.

If I couldn't get a hold of him, then neither could she. So I decided to make a bold move in attempt to uncover this as fast as possible. I told Sakura that Hernandez was in an operation at the El Quebrados hospital and that he can't be disturbed until the operation ends. I also asked her to tell him to call me after he's done. Knowing that I would want to talk to him she needed to make sure he didn't slip more information than he already had, so I betted all my chips the chance that after hearing this she would go straight to El Quebrados, even pulling the medic out of an operation if she had to just to make sure I wouldn't find out more. So as soon as I hanged up on her I parked my car behind a store in that small town, making sure it wouldn't be noticed when driving there and entered the medical center, turning towards the waiting room and listening carefully to the door.

My bluff worked perfectly, as within fifteen minutes of walking inside, I heard the door open and Ryan's voice shout out the name Jonah. So I simply rose up from the sofa and turned towards the door in attempt to meet both of them. If only I knew what I was about to find out, I don't think I would have ever seeked out the truth.

The moment I noticed Sakura I froze in place and felt like the whole world started to collapse upon my head. She wore no body armor that could even remotely hide it-… her belly was a less than a quarter the size it was when I last saw her. I couldn't really explain it at starting, I couldn't understand what happened: I couldn't make any connection with what I was seeing, nor could I believe anything. So I simply walked closer to her, only to find myself frozen in place once more after making a few steps. It was as clear as it could ever get-… Sakura was no longer pregnant. In less than a fraction of a second all the connections were made and resulted to only one realization… Sakura aborted the baby. I don't know if we were speaking or not in the meanwhile, I think I automatically answered and placed a few questions, but I don't recall even half the dialog now, as the thoughts on my mind were so loud that they blocked out everything else.

If I wouldn't have been neighbors with Sakura in Willowfield… we would not be here.

If I would have never left then… we would not be here.

If I would have never returned to San Andreas… we would not be here.

If I would have never seeked her out after I returned… we would not be here.

If I wouldn't have taken her away from Mark after she married him… we would not be here.

If I would have broken up with her for good after she cheated on me with Croxin, or Anthony, or Christian… we would not be here.

If I would have never left her here alone for months at a time… we would not be here.

If I would have killed Bando when I had the chance… we would not be here.

If I would have kept watching her at all time to make sure the baby is safe… we would not be here.

Yet all those collisions happened, not being able to predict what would come next, and it all led to this… it all led the woman I loved the most in my life killing our unborn child. Amongst the few words I still recall from that moment, I remember telling her that she can have the videos I have with her and that I will delete the rest, after that I asked her to forget I ever existed and to get out of my life.

I started shaking violently as I walked out of there, walking towards my car and collapsing next to it. I still couldn't believe it, I still didn't think it was real, so I took out my phone slowly and pressed her speed dial. My hands were shaking so bad that I could barely do that. I asked her why did she do it, and by the end of the phone call I understood that she did it just to make sure I don't "win" her. She proffered to have her killed rather than having her come to my care one way or the other-…

I had no reason whatsoever for which to live, but I can't kill myself… the first time I tried to do that and Sakura stopped me I was doing it because I knew there would be good coming out of it, not only harm. I knew that if I did it then, I wouldn't end up hurting Sakura by taking the child away from her. Yet now there would be nothing good to come if I were to end my life, nothing bad either… it would simply be irrelevant.

I drove straight home after that. The house I bought for her, yet the house she will never set her tiny feet in. I wanted to burn it down, I wanted to burn everything down, but it was already burning when I got there. Everything around me was burning, and all I could see was Sakura holding my child breathless in her arms at every corner I tried to hide in. I couldn't hide from the flames, I couldn't hide from the images, I couldn't hide from her voice…

This is more than disaster… this is Cataclysm

This is more than pain… this is Torment

This is more than drama… this is Tragedy

This is more than anger… this is Rage

This is more than storm… this is Hurricane

This is less than empty… this is Black Hole

This is more than decay… this is –RUIN-!

She could have saved all of us, she could have saved everyone! Yet I wasn't there so save her so she could ever get her chance! I wasn't there for the last soul on this earth that still truly needed me; I let her down just like I did with everyone else! And now there is no one left so save any of us, me especially. This is the end of my life, nothing left to fight for, no one left that needs me. No one else that I could ever hold dear; it all ended with her. And it ended before I could even tell her how sorry I am for letting her down… I won't ever get to ask forgiveness for the fact that I couldn't save her!

The flames and images were all around me shouting louder than the engine of a jet plane stuck to my ear. I dropped to my knees in the chaos and forced my eyes shut, wanting it all to end. But then everything became silent, and I could see her… I saw her right inside her mother's belly when it all happened… God she was so perfect… it was like all that was ever good and beautiful in this word collided together so tight that it formed this perfect little body… she was more than the words of men or angels could ever describe. Then I saw her open those tiny dark eyes and look at me. And in the second she looked at me I understood she knew exactly who I am and what she meant to me… and I tried to whisper to her "I'm sorry-… I'm so sorry-…" Yet the next moment something black entered the blood all around her and slowly the black liquid made its way to her. I shouted out for it to stop, I tried to reach out but I could do nothing to prevent it… and slowly she closed her small eyes forever and her heart stopped beating as the darkness enveiled, never even taking her first breath of air.

There is no form of justice whatsoever that could punish someone for doing something like that on earth or in the afterlife… there is no punishment that even applied for an eternity would live up to such an act. How could they do something like that? How could they kill her? There is no hope left for this world, there is no hope for life, we never deserved it if we could do something like that.

The next thing I knew the image faded as I felt something hard hitting me. I woke up in the middle of the night lying down face-first on the floor of my room. I wanted to think it was all a horrible nightmare, but that thought was short lived given that as soon as I raised my look I found myself staring at a light blue baby bed just on the opposite side of my bed. That baby bed I purchased just a day ago, and now I fear to look inside of it.

So I simply crawled on the floor away from that bed, reaching towards the end table and taking out my journal. After that I crawled towards the corner of the room as far away from that bed as I could and started writing. Ace Redford… the one that started this journal is dead; he died along with his unborn child. Whoever is still writing in this journal has no name, nor need or desire for one. You think you felt the pain while reading this? You haven't felt one percent of it, and nor do I wish it even to my gravest enemies.