11. Committed

I went to bed very early. Jacob would be up late, talking to Sam, so I encouraged him to get a good night's sleep in his own home. I knew he wanted to be with me, and that was mutual; but Jacob would not have slept well in the Cullen's house. And we both really needed a good night's sleep.

Fate doesn't seem to care much what I need. I woke up in the middle of the night with a stabbing pain in my gut. I bent over to spit up in the trash can that sat beside my bed. As soon as I moved, I felt a cold hand supporting me and saw the can hovering just in front of my face. I felt the vomit come up in my throat, and I tasted blood. I tasted something else too. Fear. It was Jasper assisting me!

"It's all right Bella," Jasper whispered. "I'm on my guard. I won't loose control."

I calmed down as I finished heaving blood and bile into the pail. I was still afraid, but not of Jasper. How bad were my internal injuries? I saw Jasper's face in the dim night light, calm but worried, probably thinking the same thing I was. "Sorry," I managed to croak.

"No," said Jasper. "I'm the one who's sorry. I've given you enough reason to fear me. But I promise you, I WILL keep myself under control for as long as you need me."

"Thank you," I said, and we traded weak but reassuring smiles.

"That was a nasty kick," he observed.

I heard Rosalie's voice from across the room. "Carlisle will be here in a minute," she said. "He and Edward were out back with our guests. Jasper, why did she kick? I thought you were controlling her emotions."

"Controlling is too strong a word for it," Jasper replied. "I'm only influencing them. I think it would be very bad for her development to put her in an emotional straight jacket at such a young age."

I nodded my agreement – emphatically.

"But in fact," he continued, "she's very calm, just uncomfortable. And there's not much I can do about that."

No, not much anyone could do about it, until she was out of a womb that was not keeping up with her hyper-thyroidal growth.

I practiced my La Maze breathing. Not that I had any thoughts of having a 'natural' childbirth, but it was a pretty good technique for controlling pain. I didn't want to scare anyone (Ha ha, there's irony for you. Me scaring my vampire family), but I was beginning to worry that I wasn't going to make it to Friday. That was the day my cesarean was scheduled.

I didn't want to do it too early; Carlisle didn't think that her lungs were very well developed yet. There was a lot of guesswork there, of course, but I wanted to give her the best chance I possibly could. Friday, I mentally chanted to myself. I can keep my heart beating until Friday. I'm strong enough for that.

Carlisle came in just as I was spitting out a mouthful of water. I was trying to clear the smell and taste of vomit and especially blood from my mouth. I had no worries about Carlisle losing control, of course; but I hated making him uncomfortable in his own home. I wasn't sure if the blood was mine, or left over from the cow's blood I had before going to bed. But I was afraid it was mine; I seemed to digest blood very quickly these days.

Carlisle greeted us all warmly, as he came over to examine me. He gently felt and prodded my abdomen. Then he frowned in a curious manner. "Edward," he said without raising his voice. That's all he needed to do to get Edward's attention. Edward would hear his name, softly spoken, from anywhere in the house. Well, anywhere except my soundproofed room, when the door was closed. Esme had the soundproofing installed shortly after I more or less moved in. I got to enjoy my expensive privacy for all of two days before we found out I was pregnant, and the door hadn't been closed since.

"Would you bring the sonograph from the infirmary?" Carlisle said it out loud for our benefit, not Edward's. I was sure Edward was already fetching the equipment before the words were spoken.

"I didn't think a sonograph would work anymore." I said.

"It wouldn't, yesterday," Carlisle answered. "But today the placenta is softer. It must be something like what happened to Jacob, when he was surrounded by so many vampires. It's strange. But then, what about this pregnancy isn't?" He shook his head in wonder.

Edward brought the equipment in and we set about making some more baby pictures. The jell and the probe were cold against my belly, but I was pretty well used to that. Soon we were looking at a fuzzy baby on the monitor. I couldn't help but smile when I looked at her, and I could see that I was not alone there.

"Her lungs aren't fully developed," Carlisle pronounced, "but they are functional. I think we could deliver her any day now, with very little risk to her."

I scowled.

"She's strong, Bella," Edward assured me. "She's a werewolf. I'm sure she'll be fine."

He didn't fool me. I could see the worry in his face.

I chewed my lip and summoned my courage. "Edward, would you mind getting me some cow's blood with a little salt and pepper, please? And Carlisle," I said timidly, "may I talk to you alone for a few minutes?"

"Uh, Jasper," I added as an afterthought, "do you think that will be alright?"

He nodded. "She's sleeping now," he said. "And I'll be right outside the room."

Edward, Rosalie and Jasper all left the room. Rosalie was the last one out. She closed the door behind her, giving us about as much privacy as was possible in the Cullen house.

"What is it, Bella?" Carlisle asked softly.

"A uh, couple of things," I said, wincing as I shifted positions. In less than a second, Carlisle was next to me with his hand on my back, helping me get more comfortable. I smiled in gratitude and continued. "We talked a little earlier about me making a will, but then I got so worried about Jacob that I didn't want to deal with it."

"Oh, of course," he said. "You want to just tell me what you want, and I'll have the family attorney draw it up?" A vampire's eidetic memory was another thing that was very convenient – except, of course, when it wasn't.

I shrugged. "I just want to leave most of my personal belongings to Renesmee, except for a few things that I want to set aside for a few friends... And all my money and the trust fund should be split between her and Jacob."

"Oh, ah," Carlisle responded with apparent embarrassment, "actually, Renesmee will have her own trust fund. That's automatic for any of our grandchildren, so you don't need to worry about that. But as for your trust fund, I'm afraid it's a life annuity – like Social Security. You can't will it to anyone. It can only convey to your spouse."

My face slumped. And I exhaled with my tongue lolling against my lower lip, making a rude noise before I caught myself.

Were the fates conspiring against me? I mean, seriously, what had I done to piss someone up there off? I just couldn't get married before I graduated high school. I couldn't! Renee would kill me! And Charlie would kill Jacob. Well actually, Charlie had already pretty much made his peace with it. But I'd rather face the Volturi alone than tell Renee that I was getting married a week before graduation – to a sixteen year old boy! "Well Mom, we sort of have to do it now, since I'm about to have his baby." I shuddered at the thought.

Maybe I could distract her from the fact that I did the same stupid thing she did – the thing she spent eighteen long years drilling into me not to do – by pointing out thatchildbirth will probably kill me.

"But you can leave him all the money you already have, of course," Carlisle hastened to add. "And, as Renesmee's guardian, he'll receive a sizable household allowance until she's twenty one."

He paused a moment, then added, "You know, it wouldn't be hard to set up something for Jacob, like we did for you and our other children."

I shook my head. I knew Jacob. Inheriting his wife's estate would be one thing. Charity, especially from the Cullens, was another. "I guess just... all the money to Jacob, and everything that isn't specified to Renesmee, and I need to think about what kind of personal items I should leave to some of my close friends and family." A few books and CDs, maybe a piece of cheap jewelry or so, just to let some people know that they meant enough to me to remember them. I hoped that didn't make other people feel slighted.

"I'll have the lawyers draw it up," he said, "with a big space for addendums, so you can write in that sort of thing."

"Bella," he added, "I agree that you should make a will, but I don't think you're in much immediate danger – if we get her out soon. But I strongly recommend we do that right away. There's little point in waiting any longer."

That sounded good, but... "I think we should wait until after I have a chance to talk to the tribal council, though – if Jacob thinks it might help."

Carlisle nodded thoughtfully. "You might be right. You do provide a certain link between our people and theirs. The baby should provide an even better link: my granddaughter, and Billy Black's." He smiled and shook his head in wonder at the thought. "But we need to do it soon. So... no more than two more days. Agreed?"

I nodded. I sat silently for a moment, again screwing up my courage. "Could... could I meet Eleazar?" I asked. "Tonight. Before Jacob gets back?"

"Bella," Carlisle said, a bit condescendingly, "you shouldn't get your hopes up about any... special powers. And one more newborn really wouldn't make any difference."

"I know," I said. "But... Can I just meet him? Please?"

Carlisle locked eyes with me just for a moment, and I could just imagine how many things he thought he should be telling me. But then he just nodded again and said, "I'll go get him."

He left, and Rose, Jasper and Edward came back in. Jasper was staying close by to keep Renesmee from killing me. And Rose was acting as my bodyguard and 'female assistant'. That was making me feel more and more guilty every night. But she insisted, and I was in no condition to argue.

After giving me my drink, Edward asked if he should leave and let me get some sleep. I shook my head. "Carlisle's coming back in a few minutes," I said. There was no lie in my words or my voice, but I didn't see any need to mention Eleazar. "I don't want to put too many vampires around her right now; it might wake her up. If you went downstairs and played something, it might help me get back to sleep."

We shared a smile, and he kissed me chastely before heading downstairs to the grand piano in the living room. The house was so quiet and open that I could easily hear his playing, clearly but softly. I was hoping he would play Esme's theme, but he started with Chopin. I couldn't complain; it was still beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that I almost dozed off in the five minutes or so it took for Carlisle to get Eleazar.

"Buenas noches, Bella. Esta bien?" he said warmly, in his distinctive Spanish accent. As close as I had come to dozing, it was as if he had just appeared in my room. I heard Edward's playing stop. But then it started back up again, maybe just a little more stiffly than before.

I sighed in relief. Edward still had issues about the possibility of me becoming a vampire. Ironically, his objections were just about as strong as Jacob's, so I was glad to know that he wasn't going to make a scene about me being 'tested'.

"I'm... fine. Thank you," I replied, not wanting to burden him with all my troubles. I hoped he kept the Spanish at the one oh one level, though. That was about the limit of what I could keep up with. I felt a nudge that told me my little girl was awake now as well. Was it just my imagination, or did she seem to perk up whenever anyone new entered the room?

"So," he said with a hint of amusement in his voice, "our Pretty Swan wants to know what kind of vampire she might become. Does the swan think herself an ugly duckling, who needs to transform to fit in with her family?" I hadn't heard anyone call me Pretty Swan in a while. My gram used to do it, every once in a while, when I was little. Bella Swan, Pretty Swan. Italian, not Spanish. But Eleazar had lived in Voltura for a few centuries.

And it was true: I had often thought of myself as the ugly duckling, growing up in Phoenix, where I was clumsy and pale, and more recently being surrounded by gods and goddesses here in Forks. Until very recently, I had wanted to transform, to stop being the ugly duckling and become the pretty swan in truth as well as name. Yes, it was exactly like he said. Who wouldn't feel inadequate in my shoes? Who wouldn't want to transform? But... the two most extraordinary men I have ever met or ever dreamed of meeting both thought that I was... well, beautiful. I had a hard time even thinking it, much less crediting it. But they did. And I had to believe them; they are not liars.

Besides, going from high schooler to mother was plenty enough transformation for me.

"No," I said confidently. "Eleazar, that isn't it. I just need to know – if there's a chance. If there's any way that I might help. If there's any way that I could save even one or two of the people I love."

He nodded in sad understanding. He too was facing the death of all he loved. Did the fact that they were fewer and had lived so much longer than my loved ones make it any less painful for him? Or did that only make it worse? I did not know. I still don't. But I know that we shared something in that moment. We had a common bond, a common pain, a common goal.

"Hmmm," he mused, looking at me in concentration. "Difficult. I think, but... No, I am certain. Shape shifter."

"Shape shifter?" I exclaimed.

Eleazar continued to stare at me in concentration. "No, wait," he said, with some chagrin. "That's your daughter."

"Oh. Qué sorpresa," I said with a grin.

"Si, some surprise," Eleazar agreed. "I think she – how do you say – comes to it honestly?"

"Comes by it honest."

He smiled, then his brow furrowed again, and he stared at me intently for a long breathless moment. Finally, he shook his head sadly and said, "No. I'm sorry. I sense nothing."

I gave a small shrug and tried not to show the depth of my disappointment. My family looked disappointed too. I imagine it was a bit like having your child fail to make the cut for the honors class.

Carlisle's expression looked different, though. He did not show disappointment, the way the others did. He was a bit like Charlie that way, always proud and taciturn whether I shined or failed. So I was a little surprised when he objected to Eleazar's verdict. "Are you certain, Eleazar?" he asked. "You know that Alice is having great trouble seeing her lately, and of course Edward cannot hear her at all. Perhaps you're having similar difficulty?"

"Alice is being blocked by the wolf child," Eleazar said. "The wolves dance to a tune that she cannot follow. To her, it is mere discordance. It must be the same for Edward. But I can see la niña's nature plainly, even swaddled as she is in her mother's womb. She does not thwart my gift."

"But Edward doesn't have any problem hearing the werewolves," I objected. "He hears Jacob and even Renesmee just fine. He just can't hear me."

"Still, it's probably interference from the child," said Eleazar waving off my objection. "Perhaps her thoughts, though indistinct, are drowning out your own."

"No. Edward's never been able to hear me," I said. "It doesn't have anything to do with Renesmee."

Or did it? After all, Alice could see the future. Even time was malleable to these magical creatures. Maybe Renesmee's thoughts could somehow drown mine out – in the past? I cringed at the thought that Edward might be able to hear me, as soon as the baby was delivered. Another good reason to wait.

My words took Eleazar by surprise. He turned to Carlisle and asked, "Esta verdad? He has never been able to hear her? Are there many humans like that?"

"No," said Edward, who was now standing in my doorway. "Bella is the only sentient being I have ever met who I cannot hear. Her father is difficult, but I can hear him. But Bella has been as silent as The Sphinx since the day we met."

Eleazar's eyes widened further in surprise, and his nostrils flared. He gave a small gasp. "Uno momento, por favor." He darted out of the room, looking like he was about to be sick. Edward moved at the same time he did, getting out of his way and coming into the room to put himself between me and Eleazar at the same time. I was confused for a moment, until I saw Eleazar taking deep breaths of air out in the hallway. He had been fine talking to me, but apparently he must have lost his concentration. Something surprised him, and my scent had almost overpowered him.

It was a little like what happened on my birthday. I needed to be very careful not to cut myself around Eleazar. My eyes shot down to the trash pail beside my bed, and I noticed that it was not the same one I had spit blood into earlier. Someone had been on his or her, probably her, toes.

Eleazar took a final deep breath, held it, and strode silently back into the room. He came straight over to me until his legs were touching the side of my bed. He stared at me with a greater intensity than he had before. Edward stiffened and moved a little closer to me, but he didn't say anything or try to interfere. I was sure that Eleazar's thoughts must have convinced Edward that he was in control, but Edward was still wary. Knowing how over-cautious Edward is, I decided that I didn't have anything to worry about and turned my attention back to Eleazar's golden eyes.

I locked eyes with this strange vampire, and it was like looking into two endless voids, surrounded by golden flames. Even Edward's eyes had never looked so... mesmerizing. I wondered if Edward had ever tried this hard to pierce the veil that hides my mind. At least, he was never this blatant about it.

I don't know how long we stared at each other that way. It probably wasn't long; I had not grown stiff or uncomfortable when Eleazar broke the connection. But I did notice that his cold hand was now pressed firmly against my forehead, and I did not remember him putting it there.

He stepped back just a little, closed his eyes and held up his hand in a gesture that said he needed a moment. He slowly let out the breath he had been holding, then, even more slowly, took in a new one. There was a palpable tension in the room that even I could sense, like everyone was holding their breaths. And I could sense Jasper's calming presence and power. That power was focused primarily on Eleazar, but I had a friendly buzz going just from the spillover. When, after a few moments, Eleazar's breathing returned to normal, and he opened his eyes again. They looked... embarrassed?

"I should have known," he said, grinning ruefully. "The silence should have told me. I should have been able to sense something, even from the most ordinary human. Dim, distant, indistinct... A little something that could never amount to anything is what I get from most humans. But from Bella, nothing. As Edward said: as silent as The Sphinx. And, I would add, as dark as a starless sky. She is the strongest shield I have ever encountered."

"You mean, if she becomes a vampire?" Jasper asked.

"I mean now!" Eleazar exclaimed. "Even in her weakened condition, I never got past her! But I do have the sense of her talent now. It's strong, but flexible. I was able to push in against it just a little, before she pushed back, so hard I could not even sense my own talent! I believe she can block any purely mental invasion or influence. If she became a vampire... Hmm..."

"No," said Edward, interrupting him. "Absolutely not."

"….we should let Kate test her." Eleazar finished his sentence before he noticed that Edward had already responded to it.

"Edward," he chided, "Kate could give us a fair measure of how well she'd stand up against Jane! Their talents are very similar."

"Look at her, Eleazar!" Edward argued in an angry but hushed tone. They both looked at me. Everyone did – even me.

I was swollen in some places – my stomach and breasts mostly – and gaunt everywhere else. My skin had a yellowish pallor; my liver and kidneys were not holding up well to all the stress they were under. My womb and abdomen were being stretched unnaturally; the bruises there had all but merged into one giant bruise, which caused my belly to swell even more than it would have otherwise. Bruises are caused by tiny broken blood vessels, and I had so many that even I could smell blood in my sweat. And I ached all over. Even my eyes were bloodshot, and the rings beneath them probably looked even worse now than they did last night, before I went to bed.

"One good flinch from pain," Edward continued, "could tip her over the edge, force her into labor or even force the placenta to detach. It could kill her, kill them both!"

"I wasn't suggesting that Kate hit her full strength, Edward," Eleazar argued reasonably. "She has a fair degree of control."

"I know," said Edward, "I've sparred against her. But when has she ever experimented on a human?"

"Her mildest jolt is very mild. I am certain a human would feel no worse than a bee sting or a sharp slap," countered Eleazar.

"But you don't know," snapped Edward through clenched teeth.

"Edward," I said softly, holding out my hand to his. He turned to me and took my hand, but then he turned back to glare at Eleazar.

"Would you all excuse us for just a minute?" I asked the others.

They all filed out of my room. Rose went last and shut the door behind her.

"Edward," I said again, slightly louder but still calm. I knew this was hard for him. And it was about to get harder. "Do you remember what you said last September? That you weren't going to live without me?"

That got his attention, and he locked eyes with me. I just held his gaze for a minute.

"I'll make a deal with you," I said, continuing to hold his eyes with mine, willing him to understand the seriousness of what I was saying. I stroked his hand soothingly as I talked. "If you will let me do everything in my power to keep my loved ones alive, then I promise to go on – no matter who I lose, or how many. If I've done my best, if I did everything I could to save them, then I will get up in the morning. I will brush my teeth. I will eat. I will go to work or school, and spend time with my friends. I will live. I did it before. I didn't think I could, but I did. I will even try to find someone... not someone like you or Jacob, I'm not looking for miracles, but someone who can help bring me back from the abyss, kind of like Jacob did."

"But Edward, if I haven't done everything I possibly could, then I won't be able to do that. That's not a threat. It's the plain and simple truth. I won't be able."

He considered my words for a brief moment. Vampires' minds work very fast, so it was about like a human thinking it over for half an hour or so. "When you say everything," he said tentatively. "You won't... you won't sacrifice yourself for anyone – except Renesmee."

I shook my head slowly from side to side. "Sorry. I won't promise that," I said. "If you or Jake, or Alice, or Rose, or even Paul or Leah is about to get killed, and I can stop it, then I will. But I will promise to be as careful as I can, and only take risks if I feel I really have to."

Edward sighed in defeat. "Fine. You can take any risk you feel you need to, but you have to promise to let me take it from you if I can."

I did not like that. I would much rather I died than Edward.

He seemed to sense the course of my thoughts, even if he couldn't hear them. "It would be pointless anyway," he said. "It would serve absolutely no purpose to sacrifice yourself for me, because I do not promise to go on without you. Swear it Bella. Swear you will let me take whatever danger I can from you, and that you will go on no matter who you lose, or how many, and I will let you take whatever dangers I cannot take in your pace."

I frowned and reflexively looked down at my belly. I wondered if I would keep that habit after it was flat again. Probably. I don't pick up habits easily, but I almost never kick them once I do. I looked at Edward's hand, still clasping my own. It was so white, and smooth and cool and beautiful. I hoped I would have a chance to see it sparkle in the sunshine again. Slowly, I twisted my hand in his, until only our pinkies were still locked together. I looked back up into his golden eyes. And we shook.

Edward let the others back in, and I wasn't very surprised to see Kate with them.

"You always get your way with Edward," said Rosalie airily. "I thought I'd save us some time and go ahead and fetch her."

I smiled at my comrade in arms. Rose and I had been acting like a team ever since we discovered I was pregnant.

"So, you want to see if you can resist my touch?" asked Kate, flexing her fingers menacingly.

I nodded absently. There was something bothering me about the conversation I just had with Edward. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But then I realized I was being rude, so I shoved it aside for later.

"Yes. Thank you, Kate," I said. "I hope I'm not just wasting everyone's time."

"I hope not too," said Kate, not unkindly. "I have to warn you though, even my mildest jolt hurts! And that's against vampires. I've never tested it on a human. The few times I've felt the need to use my touch on a human I was not trying to be gentle."

I nodded.

"Bella," said Carlisle, "I want you to relax. Remember that Kate's touch has no lasting effects. So, even if it hurts you, it's not going to actually harm you. Don't be frightened. And try not to jerk from it. The pain shouldn't transmit to the baby, but your reaction could startle her."

"Shouldn't transmit?" I asked. "You mean you're not sure."

"We're in uncharted waters," he said. "Bella, if an army of vampires wasn't coming to kill you, I would never allow this."

Well, nothing like a little bluntness to put things into perspective. I settled even deeper into my cushions and tried to make myself comfortable. I stretched my left arm out a little closer to Kate, in about the same position I would put it if Carlisle was going to draw some blood.

"I'm ready," I said.

Kate came over to me. She held her palm just a couple of inches above my wrist and said, "One, two, three."

On three, she touched my wrist. I jerked my hand back as if I had been shocked.

"Did that hurt much?" she asked.

"No," I said apologetically. "You didn't get me. I just couldn't help jerking back. I'm sorry. Can we try again?"

Kate arched her eyebrows. "I got you before you jerked back, Bella. If you didn't feel anything, then your talent is working. Let's go again."

She didn't bother counting this time, just laid her hand lightly on my wrist. I only twitched a little this time, as I grew more confident that it wasn't going to hurt.

Kate wrinkled her brow. "I'm going to do it a little harder, okay?"

I nodded, and again she touched me. I didn't twitch this time. Her hand was cold, but I'm used to that.

Kate frowned and went again. And again. After five tries, she said, "Okay, no more playing around. I'm giving you all I've got this time."

I nodded. I wasn't sure if I should try to relax, or brace myself. I settled for taking deep breaths and focusing on pains that had nothing to do with vampires' touches. Kate pressed her hand against me and scrunched up her face. She looked a little like she was trying to open a pickle jar, and a little like she was trying to close the jar back again – after biting into a really, really sour one. I couldn't help but let out a single snort of a laugh at that thought. That probably wasn't very smart of me.

Kate glared at me, and I covered my mouth in embarrassment. Then she laughed too.

"This is her talent's human strength?" she asked. Then she turned to Eleazar. "What will it become?"

Eleazar shrugged. "Yo no sé," he replied, before taking pity on the linguistically impaired. "I don't know. It blocks me so well, I cannot take its measure. But I believe she will be able to shield others besides herself."

"How many?" asked Carlisle.

"Again, I don't know," he answered. "Renata is able to shield up to four others, and her talent was so weak as a human that I had only the barest hint it was there. Enrique can protect a full dozen from fire, but they must all hold hands. I did not know him as a human, but I heard his tale. He was a fireman in Chicago, who rescued over a dozen people in the great fire. But even so, he was not strong enough to save himself. His own burns would have been fatal if Randal had not changed him."

Carlisle spoke up. "Do you think...?"

I don't guess I'll ever know what Carlisle was about to ask. Then next thing I knew, the early morning sun was sneaking into my room around the edges of my drapes. I was happy to see Edward was sitting in the chair by the window. He smiled when he saw I was awake.

I smiled back, but my stomach lurched, and I was even more glad to see Rosalie than I had been to see Edward. I hated having Rosalie carry me to the bathroom, but it was infinitely better than having Edward do it. I noticed that Jasper was also still there, standing unobtrusively by the wall, still keeping Renesmee calm – and me alive.

What a family I have.

"Was I dreaming, or did I resist Kate's touch last night?" I asked Rosalie, when she came to help me.

"Resist? More like you ignored it. Did you see the look on her face? It was priceless."

Without waiting for my response, she scooped me up and carried me to the bathroom. I grinned back at her and tried not to look too pleased with myself.

Once I'd freshened up a bit, I was able to walk back into the bedroom under my own power. I was a little surprised, when I thought about it, that Edward was still there. After all, we weren't dating any more, and Rose and Jasper could handle any emergencies. It wasn't that I minded, but knowing his sense of propriety, I was surprised he would spend the night in my room. I looked at him quizzically, and even though he couldn't exactly read my mind, he seemed to know what I was thinking. That's probably about the way he was, back when he was human—not exactly a mind reader, but perceptive.

"You had us a little worried. One minute you were engaged in the conversation, the next you were out like a light. Carlisle said it was just exhaustion, but...," he shrugged, "Rose let me stay."

"It was easier than biting his head off again," said Rose. I think she was joking.

Something still bothered me, and it wasn't just the mild impropriety of Edward being in my room all night. Then I remembered. "Last night," I said, "we talked about whether I would sacrifice myself, if one of my friends was about to get killed."

Edward nodded. "But only if I don't see it first."

I shuddered but didn't let myself get distracted. "But you all move so fast. I could never see one of you about to get killed, any more than I could see Jake take Riley's hand or Irina's arms. One second, they were a few feet apart, the next he had something in his mouth," I explained.

"Last night," I said with conviction, "you were talking like you expect me to become a vampire."

Edward's face contorted as if he was in pain. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. Then he looked up at me sadly.

"What did Alice see after Jake left?" I asked.

Edward looked like he was trying to decide how to tell me, but Rose said, "Oh, for pity's sake. I can tell it better anyway."

"At first, Alice couldn't see anything. Too many stinking werewolves involved—excuse me, aromatically impaired werewolves. Anyway, then Emmett says, 'We should give some serious thought about just telling the Quileute to run. Even the Volturi would have a hard time tracking them all down.' We considered that, and as soon as we did, Alice could see again. She could see our future, if we followed that course, because our destinies wouldn't be so wrapped up with the werewolves."

"And?" I prodded.

Rosalie sighed. "Not good. The Volturi would still use our alliance with the werewolves as an excuse to attack us – excuse, not reason. They're just waiting for an excuse."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Why do countries go to war? They covet what we've got, and they fear our growing power."

"Are you really that powerful?"

"Yes and no," she said. "We're probably the second most powerful coven, after them, and Tanya's coven is probably third. But Carlisle also has a powerful network of friends—which of course we can't call on now because the Volturi are right: the dogs really are vampires' natural enemies." I started to object, but she wouldn't let me. "Well, they are! At least, they're anti-homovore, which almost all vampires are. But even if all Carlisle's friends did stand with us, we wouldn't have any real chance against the Volturi – as long as Alec can send us all to oblivion."

"Then why fear you?"

"Because we're growing," said Edward. "We gain more powerful allies every decade. And, like Rose said, they covet what we have – especially Alice and Eleazar. Alice could give an army an almost-unbeatable edge in battle. And Eleazar will some day find someone with a gift to rival Alec's."

"Someone like you," said Rose.

"That's still just speculation," said Edward angrily.

Jasper shook his head, joining the discussion. "Alice is not just speculating."

I turned to him, not sure what he meant. "Once she saw past the werewolves," he said, "one thing came clear: if you don't become a vampire, we're all dead."

"It's not that simple." Edward said, emphatically. I think he would have been shouting if Jasper wasn't keeping us all calm.

"Yes, Edward," said Jasper. "It is. If she does become a vampire, our future becomes cloudy. We're still probably dead, but at least there's a chance. But if she doesn't, our future is carved in stone. Gravestones."

"Alice can't see Bella's future because she's carrying a werewolf," Edward said simply. "When she tries to factor Bella into the equation, the future gets blurry. But that doesn't mean that anything's changed! Bella, you don't have to do this."

His voice sounded odd. It was, at the same time, firm and pleading—yet resigned. Though he tried to deny it, he knew what I was going to say.

"It's okay, Edward," I tried to make my weak voice sound as soothing as I could. "I already made up my mind. I told you: if there's a chance I can save my friends, I'm going to do it."

"How are you going to break it to Jacob?" asked Rose.

"I don't know yet," I said softly.

"Well, you'd better think quick," she said. Just then, the doorbell rang.

It took about two minutes for Jacob to get up to my room – and everyone else to clear out. The cowards. Yeah, I know; this one was all on me. At least Jasper didn't go far. He stood by the door, just outside my room.

"Hey, Jake," I greeted him cheerfully. Okay, maybe I let a little pain constrict my voice, but I really didn't have to fake it. I lifted my face, for him to give me a kiss, but he only scowled, his nostrils flaring. That wasn't a good sign. He could obviously tell that Eleazar and Kate had been in my room, and he could guess the reason why. I braced myself for the tirade I was sure was coming. I saw the emotions play across Jacob's face: uncertainty, suspicion, anger, and finally, resignation. His eyes went down and away from me, like he couldn't stand the sight of me.

"I'd better go," he said, his voice low and breaking even more painfully than mine had.

"No, Jake. Please don't," I pleaded. I struggled to sit up more fully. The pain made me wince, but I didn't lie back down.

Jake cringed when he saw that I was in pain. And he seemed to struggle with himself, half wanting to come to me, half wanting to get far away. Instead he stood in the doorway, his muscles tight from anger and anguish.

"Why not? Why should I stay where I'm not wanted."

"You are wanted! I want you. Please, Jacob. I need you."

"Need me? You said you loved me!" he practically shouted. He continued only slightly calmer. "You said you wanted to be with me. You said you wanted to be this child's mother, and for us to be a family."

"I do!"

"Yeah, you want all of those things, but not as much as you want to be a vampire! As soon as I left, you asked Eleazar to tell you what kind of vampire you'd become, didn't you?" He didn't wait for my answer before adding, "Well? Will you be special?"

His sarcasm was so thick he practically spit the last word. I had more than half expected it, and I really couldn't blame him. But still, he needed to face facts.

"Jacob," I whispered, "look at me. Don't you see what bearing our baby is doing to me? You think that being her mother isn't the most important thing in the world to me? I would die for her, Jacob!"

"But would you live for her?"

"Yes! Dang it, Jacob. Do you still not understand what's going on here? Everyone I love is about to be killed! You really think I'm going to just sit back and watch it happen?"

He opened his mouth, but closed it again without saying anything.

"You almost died yesterday, and I could hardly bear it. But I didn't just sit and watch. I did the only thing I knew how to do. And miracle of miracles, it worked! Maybe it will again."

"Do you really think one more vampire will make that much difference?"

I closed my eyes and tried to picture it. I wanted to say yes, or at least maybe. But I promised I would never lie to him again.

"No," I conceded. "But I have to try, Jacob. I have to hope. That's the only thing keeping me going."

He came over to sit beside me and placed one hand lightly on my belly. "Isn't this enough to keep you going? Can't you just take care of her, and let us take care of the vampire army? Someone will have to get her to safety, you know? Someone will have to run with her. Why can't that be you?"

I had to think about that for a moment. He was right. Someone would have to run with her. I nodded and looked down at my stomach. Jacob's warm hand felt so wonderful resting there. And I did so desperately want to meet this little girl, to have the time to get to know her. Was that too much to ask? Was that so wrong? Someone would have to take her and run.

But that someone couldn't be me.

"Do you remember how I was, last Winter, when I thought Edward – my whole family – had abandoned me?" I asked.

I stroked his hand and waited for him to look me in the eyes before I continued. "Can you imagine how I would be if I abandoned my family – abandoned you – to your deaths? You wouldn't want that woman raising your daughter, Jacob. She wouldn't be a good mother, or... anything. She wouldn't be anything. Just a zombie. I don't want to be a zombie, Jacob. I'd rather die." Jake looked like he wanted to argue, but then he just slumped in defeat. He knew that I was telling the truth; I'm an open book. And I realized that I would have become a vampire even if I didn't have the talent Eleazar saw. Even if I was the one who would try to get Renesmee to safety, I would need a vampire's strength to do it.

But what I told him was true: I wasn't going to do that. I was going to fight.

I told Jacob about what Eleazar and Alice had seen.

He laid down beside me then, and we were both quiet for a time, lost in our own thoughts. Finally I said, "I'm going to become a vampire."

"Bella," he said, his voice cracking in sadness. "Please don't"

There was a time I would have scolded him. Told him to butt out. Told him it was my body, my choice. But things were different now. He was my beloved, and I was going somewhere he couldn't follow. We both knew that no matter how things went, things between us would never be the same again. "Oh Jacob," was all I could say. And then my lips were too full of his to say anything else – anything that needed words.

His lips were hot. Hotter than I remembered. And he crushed my mouth hard to his, so hard it might have hurt; but I didn't feel it. At least, I didn't feel it as pain.

I cried out softly. I wasn't trying to keep my voice down. In this house? What would be the point? But to cry out any louder, I would have had to first get back my breath. Jake had taken it away, and I didn't know when he would give it back. I forgot who's house we were in. Forgot that Edward was just downstairs. Forgot Jasper, still standing in the doorway, keeping his silent vigil, keeping my unborn child from killing me. My pain and even all my fears were forgotten for a time. There was only Jacob.

It was 'just' a kiss. But what a kiss! He filled my senses. I loved his heat, his softness, his hardness, his taste and especially his scent. I remembered telling Alice, 'You both smell fine to me,' back when she first told me how terrible werewolves smelled to her. But I was lying, and I'm sure Alice knew it. I'm sure I must have blushed crimson. They didn't smell 'fine.' They smelled fantastic!

For the vampires, there was a simple explanation. According to Alice, they smelled good to humans to help them attract prey. I forgot all about that evolutionary reason for it whenever I was with Edward. But I reminded myself of it whenever I was around the others. Remembering its true purpose made it a little less embarrassing to be so attracted to my best friend and my boyfriend's whole family. But with the werewolves...

Well actually, the werewolves didn't smell that good to me. Just Jacob. I loved the smell of Jacob. I was going to lose that soon. That was enough, all by itself, to make me want to cry.

It was a long time before I let him go. When I finally did, I had enough sensitivity to hope that Edward had gone out to visit with the Denali – or gone hunting. He would need to put some distance between himself and Jacob and-or thoroughly distract himself to block Jacob's thoughts. I'm sure he did. He's not a fool, or a masochist.

When we finally pulled back a bit, I looked into his eyes, and we got just as lost in each other's eyes as we had in each other's mouths. It was me who finally broke the silence. "What are you thinking?" I asked.

"Isn't that supposed to be my line?" he asked.

I shook my head. "You already know what I'm thinking, why I have to do this."

He nodded. "Would you believe," he asked. "I was just thinking of a poem: 'To Lucasta, On Going To The Wars.' You know it?"

I nodded. "I could not love thee, dear, so much," I recited, "loved I not honor more." I liked that one too.

"You found the loophole," he said. "The one thing that would let you become a vampire without me raising a fuss."

"And I found it after I stopped looking," I said.

"Funny how things work that way."

After a pause, he whispered, "This is so hard."

I nodded. "I should be mad at you for that." He cocked an eyebrow, so I explained: "I did want to become a vampire, Jacob. I've already admitted that. I won't try to deny it now. You're the only reason this is hard. Well, you and your daughter. But I can handle being separated from her for a while, if that's what it takes to keep her alive. Losing you is the hard part, the hardest part. I can't bear the thought that you won't love me anymore."

Jake started in surprise. "Is that what you think? You listen to me Isabella Swan. I will always love you. It doesn't matter what you become. Do you hear me? As long as..." he paused, "as long as you're you. It doesn't matter what you are, as long as inside, you're still you."

I kissed him lightly on the cheek. "As long as I'm me, I'll love you too."

He was quiet again for a while, then he said, "Bella, this... mind shield of yours..."

"Mine field?" I teased.

"I said 'mind shield'. But that too," he said, then he took a breath. "What if it stops Carlisle's talent?"

"What?" I asked. "What talent?"

"Compassion," he said.

I was still confused.

"You were the one who told me: Carlisle's special quality, what he brought with him and got amplified when he became a vampire, it's compassion."

"Okay...," I said, "but how could that affect me, or not affect me?"

"I don't think its just that he is compassionate," he explained, "I think he brings out compassion in others."

I stared at him blankly.

"Think about it Bella," he continued. "Hundreds of vampires in the world today. Thousands throughout history. And only Carlisle's extended family refrains from killing people. Jas told me about the Southern wars, while we were taking a break from sparring. He personally knew of hundreds of people who became vampires. And every one of them became a killer. Every single one of them. Even him."

I looked over at Jasper, standing in the doorway. He looked thoughtful. When he saw me looking at him, he shrugged and said in his southern drawl, "Well, it seemed like the thing to do at the time."

"What was the first thing Alice did when she found you?" asked Jake.

"Made love," Jasper drawled. Jake looked at him askance.

"Second thing, then."

"Brought me to Carlisle," Jasper conceded.

"She loved you," said Jake, "and she didn't want you to be a killer."

"But what about Alice?" I asked. "She was already compassionate before she ever met Carlisle."

Jake shrugged. "One in a thousand. One in a million, maybe? Maybe the guy who changed her was like Carlisle and passed some of his compassion on to her. Isn't that what Alice said: 'He must have been one of the rare compassionate vampires, like Carlisle'? Have you noticed that the Cullens are the only vampires who even seem to have last names? We've started calling the Denali coven 'the Denali' for convenience, but that's really just where they live."

"So?" I asked, missing the segue.

"Giving up your last name is a way of renouncing your family. It's easier to kill Whitlocks if you're not a Whitlock anymore," he said with a glance at Jasper, "or a Hale or a Brandon."

Jasper clinched his jaw. "It's a little more complicated that that," he said, "but..." He shrugged.

Jasper Whitlock. I hadn't even known that.

"But," I objected, "not all of his friends have become vegetarians. Garret, Peter and Charlotte..."

"All things have limits. I bet he has to get really close to someone to change them that much, and they probably have to be open to the change. But I bet even Peter and Charlotte are more... humane in their hunting than they used to be."

I saw agreement from Jasper. "I've kinda thought about that, too. Even the Volturi mellowed a bit when Father was with them. Never thought that you might be immune to it though, or what that might mean to you."

I held up my hand to signal them both to stop. I had to think about this for a minute. Could Jacob be right?

Was predator a vampire's natural state? Of course, it was. But was Carlisle the common denominator for all the peaceful vampires? With the possible exception of Alice, he seemed to be. Even Tanya's coven, the Denali, didn't stop killing people until after the Cullens lived with them for a while.

But was it more than just setting a good example? That was a harder question to answer. But it stood to reason. Rosalie Hale had been as selfish and self centered as Jessica or Lauren ever were, but the only people she ever killed as a vampire were the men who raped her and left her for dead. I'm sure there were much nicer – gentler – people who had become vampires, people who had been like Angela or Seth or Mike – or me – when they were human. And they had all become killers, almost all of them. A compassionate vampire was so rare it was almost a contradiction in terms. A freak of nature among freaks of nature.

I started to tremble. I looked over at Jasper, who was still looking at me thoughtfully. "Will there be enough of me left to even want to keep my old friends safe?" I asked. "Or will I just join the Volturi?"

"It isn't quite that bad, Bella," said Jasper. "When I became a vampire, I didn't completely stop caring. It just that... the craving is very strong, like the strongest drug addiction. And as a newborn, it's hard to think about anything else. And drinking human blood seemed – still seems – natural. It's like you eating meat. It doesn't mean you hate animals or want to be cruel to them. It's just the natural order of things. But that doesn't mean you can't care about a dog or cat or even a cow or pig... Uh, I mean..."

He looked at me with a kind of guilty embarrassment. It was okay. I already knew it, sort of. To the vampires, to most of them, I was somewhere between family member and family pet. If I couldn't deal with that, I would have walked away when I first learned what Edward was.

Jasper went on. "It is true that I renounced the name, Whitlock. I was no longer one of them. But I did still care about my human family and friends. I wanted to keep them safe. I just knew that, if I got anywhere near them, I would be a bigger danger to them than anything. So the best I could do was stay away from them. And, well, I was killin' people. I didn't want to put my family's name on that."

"The best I can tell you is this," he added, "which I learned from some who were changed under better circumstances than I was. If you focus very hard on the things you care about in this life, very early in your new life, before the memories begin to fade, then you will continue to remember and care about them – forever. Or, as vampires say, until the Volturi catch you."

I looked back at Jake. Wordless understanding passed between us. It would have to be enough. There wasn't any choice.

"Jasper," I said. "Could we have a little privacy. We'll call you right away if she stirs."

"You sure, Bella?" asked Jacob, laying his hand on my stomach.

I felt just a little movement inside me. She seemed to sense her daddy's warm touch. And she liked it. It was funny that she seemed to like my vampire family and their cold touches too. Edward could calm her down as easily as Jake could. I guess she really did take after her mother. I nodded, and Jasper closed the door.

"I love you, Jacob Black," I said as soon as I heard the door latch click.

"You needed privacy to tell me that?"

"No. To show you."

We did a bit more than kiss this time. Sorry. You don't need the details. I loved Jacob black, and I needed memories, fresh memories and strong ones, that I could hold on to. I knew that the pain of transformation would be too strong for me to think about anything else, but I would concentrate on these memories for as long as I could, and think about them again as soon as the pain subsided. I would force myself to remember that the reason I was going through that horrible pain was to keep my loved ones safe. Any benefit I gained – beauty, strength, immortality – I would credit to them; it was for their sake that I would gain them. And any price I paid – the pain of transformation, the never-ending thirst, the loss of some of what makes me me – I would blame on the Volturi.

"Jacob," I said after a while, "will you marry me?"