AN: This a Victoria POV Outtake that I wrote for The Fandom Against Domestic Violence. =)
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Victoria POV
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I won't ever be remembered for my common sense. I know most of you hate me, and I'm fine with that. I deserve it. I was a bad, bad girl. For those of you who don't know my story, I'll start at the beginning.
My mother married my father for his money and power. When she'd finally had enough, she left and took half of his net worth, including me. He never seemed to mind. He sent an obscenely large support check once a month, but it always felt like a buy-off. Once he remarried and began a family with his new wife, our interactions were even fewer. Who knows how I would have turned out if he had made more of an effort? He's just as much to blame for my upbringing as my mother is. He knew how she was, yet he still didn't lift a finger to keep me.
My mother is cold and manipulative, so it's no wonder that I inherited those traits from her.
Sigh
I never set out to be what I was. In fact, I tried to avoid it. I somehow managed to talk Daddy into letting me transfer high schools my junior year. I wanted to be as far as I could away from my mother and her revolving door of men. That was where I met Edward Cullen; sweet, kind and adorable. He was everything I wasn't and yet everything I wanted in my life. I wanted to love him so much. I think I even did at one point, before I found out that I was pregnant. After the stunning example of motherhood that I had been blessed with, I knew without a doubt that I never wanted children. And yet there I was, nineteen and knocked up. My first mistake was going to Edward. I should have realized ahead of time that his bleeding heart would want the baby. My next mistake was going home to Daddy, instead of hightailing it straight to Phoenix, where Mommy Dearest would have helped me in a heartbeat. Edward had panicked and called my father straight away, so that by the time I got there, Daddy already knew and put his foot down. If I had an abortion, Edward would be heartbroken and possibly cause a stink, so that was out of the question if I wanted to stay in my father's good graces. The only option that was given to me was to marry Edward, have the baby and play the role of a good wife.
Needless to say, that didn't go over well. I stewed in my room for months, refusing to leave or even eat half of the time. Miscarrying would be a perfect solution, one where I could not be held accountable for. Something happened though. One day, I felt this flutter, like wings beating inside of my abdomen and I was struck by the thought that there was a little person inside of me. Whether or not I would be a good mother didn't matter any longer. I crawled back to Edward on my hands and knees and gave him my father's ultimatum.
For the first time in my life, my heart melted and cracked when he looked at me with these teary eyes filled with love and begged me to come back. He spun this fairytale, where we would marry and raise our baby and live happily ever after. I started to believe to him, too. I believed him until the day Jackson was born. I looked down into his freshly opened eyes, abnormally green as grass, and I felt nothing. No connection, no instant bond. It was as if I were holding a stranger's child in my arms. When I panicked and started to cry, Edward took him from me and began to comfort him. I had never felt such a great relief in my life.
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From then on, I made it a point to not get too close or touchy with the child. He was a constant reminder that I was a heartless shell, and that I would always be too much like my own mother. Edward tried so hard, but eventually, he gave up on me as well. The more he worked, the more often I was left alone to care for Jackson. I still could barely look at him, so I left him to play on his own, until I absolutely had to interact with him or feed him. Thankfully, both my sister and Edward's mother adored the brat, so I had some respite.
But it wasn't enough. I wanted out. If I filed for divorce, or left Edward, my father would only see the scandal and cut me off. I couldn't have that, so I attempted the next best best thing - push my husband away and let him be the one to divorce me. So, I fucked his best friend in the coat room at a fancy party. James was vicious and rough and made me feel alive. My plans quickly changed. I continued to pull away from Edward, but subtly, so that what James and I had would be hidden. James refused to put his relationship with Edward and his money at risk, and I refused to give up the way that James made me feel.
The second time we met at hotel to screw away the weekend, James placed an Ecstasy tablet under my tongue. That was the beginning of the end. I drank and occasionally smoked weed since high school, but James fed me more and more to get me higher. I was all too happy to oblige, the feeling of flying and being free was worth more to me than anything else. Just under a year passed, with our hidden relationship securely under wraps. My drug use was so well hidden that even if Edward had paid me any attention, he still wouldn't have figured it out. Another trait I inherited from my mother.
Everything was fine. Our lives, manageable. That is, until James took his yearly trip to visit his parents in Seattle. I was clingy and needy; begging him not to go. He was rough and cruel, leaving me by the side of his bed as he walked out the door to catch his plane. I made my way home and found my hidden supply, swallowing down pills that I couldn't even identify; trying to block out the need and panic that his leaving erupted inside of me. I couldn't just let him leave like that, so I tried to find someone to take the kid, under the guise of traveling to my mother's in Phoenix for an emergency. No one was available, so I decided to just take him with me. How much trouble could a three-year-old cause?
When I was high enough to be brave, I called Edward and informed him that we would be gone for a few days. His head was buried so far into the job, that he didn't even blink an eye. I found a friend of a friend and they helped me procure travel arrangements, so that I could travel under the radar. I honestly cannot tell you what happened the day that Jackson disappeared. The last thing I remember was sitting with him in a park and calling James on the phone to tell him that I was there. I remember him being angry and telling me to stay put. After that, everything hazes and blurs together like a nightmare. My next coherent moments were when I awoke in my old bed in Phoenix.
My mother explained that Jackson was missing and that James had brought me here to cover our asses. He cut her a check for a hundred grand to keep her mouth shut and buy his story. He coached me over the phone on how to act and what to say, so that the police would be chasing their tails. A part of me felt bad that Jackson was paying the price for my incompetence, but it quickly died once I found my mother's stash of Oxycontin in the bathroom. After that, days began to blend together. Everything was the same, in and out, day after day. Edward was cold and distant, grieving his child. I was cold and distant, needing a hit.
Everything came crashing down the night I came home from a weekend spent underneath James. It was quiet; too quiet. When I entered the bedroom and saw it completely trashed, I was shocked. Until I found the note my husband had left. I groaned and sat down on the floor, cradling my head in my hands, trying to figure out just when everything had gone wrong.
I called James immediately and what did the fucker do? He took a leave of absence and ran back to mommy and daddy, not wanting to get his hands dirty. I guess I couldn't really blame him. I'd have done the same. Edward was divorcing me, James had abandoned me and now my father wanted nothing to do with me either, so I took my hush money from the Cullens and moved back to Phoenix with my mother.
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Things went well for a year or so, before I became depressed and out of control with the drugs. I OD'd and ended up forced into a rehab center. My father cut off all ties with me and refused to take my calls. My mother was off into her own world with Prince Valium. I was all alone, but I was getting better. The day I was released, I was surprised to find James waiting for me. He took me into his arms and kissed me passionately, proclaiming that he had missed me terribly. Chicago held too many memories for me, so I chose to move to Crystal Lake, which was just over an hour away.
The day James told me that a woman had shown up with my son, my whole world spun off its axis. I was generally curious to see how the boy had grown and what type of woman had been raising him. I knew James would disapprove of me attending the Gala, so I made no mention of me going, choosing to show up randomly instead. I stealthily observed the crowd before making an appearance. The boy was dashing, his reddish brown hair and eyes reminded me so much of the boy his father had been ten years ago. Edward was out on the dance floor with a stunning brunette, laughing and smiling as if he had not a care in the world. The years had certainly been kind to him and I recalled why I had been so attracted to him back in high school.
When I finally made my move, the boy seemed frightened of me and I couldn't understand why. I may have spanked him a few times, but that was nothing he hadn't deserved. Angry Edward was... sexy. I was immediately turned on by his show of bravado. I wondered briefly if I could sway him back into my bed, but then I saw the way he looked at the brunette and knew it would be futile. So, I turned tail and left, content that I had seen the boy with my own eyes and still felt no emotion towards him.
Later that night, James rushed through my door, almost frantic, swearing up and down that the child had recognized him. I never did understand where that paranoia came from. As far as I could recall, Jackson had never seen James and I together. He cooked up this ridiculous scheme about getting Isabella, as the brunette was called, to take the boy and disappear. I could tell that I had shaken her with my phone call, but she stood firm and I had to respect that. I almost felt bad about trying to break her family apart. Almost.
What? I told you already that I deserve your ire. No need to act surprised.
I should have realized that something was wrong the day James called me and asked me to rush over to his house because of an emergency. I was well aware that he had been slowly unraveling, but I assumed that everything would go back to normal once the girl took Jackson back to wherever it was that they had come from. I never suspected that I'd walk into a kidnapping. My breath caught in my throat as I watched the defenseless girl sitting there, tied to chair and awaiting whatever fate that James saw fit to hand out. She didn't deserve this; not when she had been the mother that my child had deserved all along. I had already screwed up Jackson's life enough as it is, I couldn't let any harm come to this woman. I thought I could free her and get us both the hell out of there before James did something stupid, but I was wrong. So very, very wrong.
As I looked down at the crimson staining my fingers and then up into the eyes of the man who proclaimed to love me, I knew my time was up. If he wanted to snuff out my life, without a second thought, then I'd make damn sure he knew I wasn't afraid. I was weary of this world and everything that I've fucked up; I accepted my fate and was ready for it. I held his gaze steady with my own, making sure that he was looking me in the eye when he pulled that trigger. A split second and loud bang, the bastard did just that.
So, you may sit back and ask me what I would have done over if I had the chance. All I can say is that I honestly don't know, but since I'm currently resting in a pine box, six feet underground, I'd say that I have a lot of time to think about it.
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
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AN: A very big thank you to MinaRivera for the idea do write a Victoria POV in the first place! *mwah*
Victoria wasn't easy to write, but I hope I gave you a bit of perspective from her side. Thank you so very, very much to everyone who was able to donate and make the fundraiser a success! I'm also taking part in a few other charities that are going on as we speak. Fret not if you're unable to donate, they'll still be put up on my FFn at the first possible date.
** I've co-written a O/S called Paperthin Hymn with laurnorder for The Fandom Fights the Floods, the compilation is available now.
** I've written a Charlie POV Parachute Outtake called My Daughter's Eyes for the Fandom Gives Back: Autism Speaks fundraiser.
** I've signed on the write for The Fandom For Sexual Assault Awareness and Fandom for Tsunami ~ Not sure what I'm writing for the Tsunami yet, but the FFSAA is already planned out as a O/S with the possibility of more. It'll be called Accidentally in Love.
Thanks again for all of the love and support that you guys heap upon me! I treasure and appreciate each and every one of you!
~Shel~