Moonlit Wishes

by KarenGApeach

EJ makes one final gesture to Sami to show her his true heart. What will Sami do now that everything is left up to her?

11. Chapter 11

Moonlit Wishes
Part LX

She knew EJ had been hurt, betrayed as he liked to call it, but she had been too. Did he not think of all of the times he had driven her to the point that she felt like she had no way out of an impossible situation? She recalled the days after they had found out the Sydney was her own and the fights that had started with EJ, arguing with him over custody of their children.

EJ had told her he was going to move out of the mansion, he told her of how his father had let her down and while she had known he was upset about Stefano, she hadn't believed him when he said he was severing ties with his father. The DiMera's always came back to the one thing they thought was most important, family.

Then it made her stop to think, her family was the same way, or at least they were about most things and had even begun to include her in the family sense after she changed her ways. Well she had tried to change her ways, but sometimes she just wanted to scream because she didn't want to be a cookie cutter version of the entire Brady clan. Somehow she had lost her identity in trying to conform to her family's view of how they thought life should be and how you should live your life accordingly.

She and EJ had argued over where Sydney would be better off. EJ had stated she should stay with him because Sydney was used to him being around which just infuriated her because of how Nicole had stolen her baby from her, making her lose precious time with a child that was her very own.

She wanted her daughter with her and she usually got what she wanted given time, plus Rafe was helping her begin a new life. She was sure the children would be better off with them; they could provide a stable home life whereas EJ would not as long as he kept ties with Stefano.

When Nicole had taken Sydney again after Brady had paid her bail from jail while they were arguing had made things so much worse. Rafe coming back to try to take command of the situation had incensed EJ, he had told him he wasn't going to come in and start blaming them for inadequacies as parents. Sami knew the tension was never going to dissipate between them yet she had wanted Rafe front and center with her.

Some of her choices could have been made differently, she knew that now, but things always seemed clearer when you looked back in hindsight. The things they had said and done to one another were hurtful. No wonder EJ had decided to take matters into his own hands after all the things that had happened.

Sami thought about her anger at Brady when he finally came clean with her about knowing what he had done for Nicole. She could see why EJ disliked Brady so much; it had all been such a tangled mess when they had went in search of Nicole together.

Maybe EJ had been pushed too far by all of them, yes he had been, he had told her as much, but she had known even before this last letter the things that had happened to make him want to lash out in anger. She scoffed at herself and at EJ for thinking she was an authority on love. She had been full of herself telling EJ he didn't know about love and how to love others in return.

Her so called love had pushed EJ to the place where he hadn't thought rationally. She had been an idiot to think he wouldn't have done something to get back into a place of power after they had all stripped him of his rights to choose what he wanted and needed in his life. She thought back to when she confronted Stefano thinking he had been behind the kidnapping, helping Nicole and then taking her baby from Nicole when she had fled Salem.

Stefano admitted as much that he hated her, told her Nicole was worth ten times over the mother she was, he told her what a vile and foolish woman she was and all the time while she thought he was behind it all, it had been EJ. She could still feel the anger with Stefano to this day.

Stefano ridiculed her, told her Rafe was an insignificant person, a loser, a man who was fired by the FBI because he was more interested in having sex with her instead of doing his job. He had told her she had been so desperate to keep him and EJ away from Sydney that she might have kidnapped her daughter.

She hated Stefano and wondered again how EJ could be a part of some family that was so violent and cruel. Stefano told her that everything that had been bad was her fault because it all came right back to her. Maybe EJ had taken all he could take and he took his child from Nicole when she had foolishly ran away with Sydney while they were all fighting with one another over where Sydney would reside now that the truth had come out.

EJ had torn them all apart, made them hate and distrust each other all the more than they already did and that was no small feat in itself. Nicole had suffered, she had suffered, Stefano had suffered and Rafe had suffered too. EJ had told her countless times Rafe had no part in their lives and he had set out to prove that very fact to her.

She had never imagined EJ would be the one to take Sydney, to keep her worrying constantly if her baby girl was dead or alive. When she had finally found her daughter she was taken away again making her feel the loss and ache all over again, yet in a new way. At least she had known some kind of closure with Grace, with Sydney being missing it was like a never ending nightmare of wondering if her child was alive and if she was being treated well.

She guessed the thing that had gotten to her so much was in the back of her mind she assumed EJ would never do something that awful to her, he might make others pay for what he deemed they had done wrong to him, but he had always managed to put her in another category. He had been upset with her when Grace died, but eventually he had forgiven her, they had bonded at Grace's gravesite.

She thought she had been above it all, others might suffer, but somehow she would be untouchable and escape EJ's wrath and when it had all come out later EJ had been behind Sydney's kidnapping her entire world had fell apart. Looking back now she saw she had made EJ's world fall apart way before he had made hers do the same and that was quite unnerving.

Why hadn't she known her actions would have driven him to such desperate measures? She hated to think a part of her knew deep down and hadn't done anything to reach out to him thinking just because of whom his family was that he hadn't deserved her consideration.

She had been wrong about many things in her life, but she knew she could have prevented a lot of the hurt if she had only listened to her heart when it came to EJ instead of listening to others instead and caring for their opinion more than what would have ultimately made her happy in the long run.

She'd get mad at him, but somehow EJ always could manage to find some way to make her want him around in some capacity even when she was claiming she wanted nothing more to do with him. She had played games with him and his emotions for years as much as he had with her. She just hadn't imagined he would have ever played such a dangerous game with her and her underestimating the depth of his hurt had cost them all greatly.

She had always blamed EJ, but now she saw she was as much to blame as he was and that thought upset her more than she thought was possible.

Moonlit Wishes
Part LXI

Dear Samantha,

I took a huge gamble doing what I did in taking Sydney from Nicole after she fled Salem. To go against my father was a risk, one that I was willing to take after I felt like there wasn't any kind of hope left in me for happiness let alone that allusive feeling called love that I didn't believe in anymore.

Finding someone who hated my father as much as I did at the moment wasn't that difficult, finding someone who wasn't afraid of him was a different matter and then it came to me, Anna would be willing to hurt my father, he had destroyed her life many times over. Plus Anna loved money, something I had vast quantities of after I rejoined the family business.

Money didn't mean anything to me anymore, so I was willing to part with some of my fortune to ensure I'd get my children back with me without having to have Rafe be involved in the raising of my children. I had it all planed out, I was going to arrange to have Johnny with me, I would get Sydney from Anna and when the time was right I would disappear with them both.

I would be away from Salem, away from the clutches of my father, away from ever having to deal with Nicole and of course I would be away from you and your hero Rafe. Bah, he was such a loser and I almost reconsidered bringing Sydney back to you at Christmas, but when I overheard you both talking with one another, wishing Nicole had never taken Sydney where you and he could have raised her without my knowledge of course that I knew I shouldn't have believed you at Grace's gravesite that day.

Did you think I was that stupid? To hear you both talking about what your life might have been without my interference of being my own child's father. It made me sick to hear Rafe talk about the kind of life you and he were going to have with one another with my children. He was saying he would raise Sydney like she was his own, fucking really and you were going to go along with it all.

How would you have felt if the roles had been reversed? Would you have just let another woman come into my life and raise your children without your knowledge? Don't lie to yourself, you wouldn't have liked it one fucking bit and you know it.

So the anger was back, the rage still resided deep within me and I was going to tear your precious love with Rafe apart at the seams. It was quite diabolical yet it was so simple all at the same time. I was detached from things most of the time. It was a means to an end; I was going to prove to you that Rafe wasn't some kind of hero.

I hated him and in some ways I hated you because you had blinders on when it came to Rafe Hernandez. So was it right for me to take Sydney for my own? Hell no, but it wasn't right for you to be planning to play house with the man who wanted to steal my children from me too.

Now before you go all Brady on me and saying that wasn't your intent or Rafe's either, you need to see it from where I was standing. I could have let you know I overheard what you said on Christmas Eve, but I didn't. What good would it have done anyway? You and Hernandez would have done the same thing to me if given the chance, you would have never let me known Sydney was my child if Nicole hadn't stolen her from you in the first place.

We never were very good people when it came down to it, were we? I mean you can say all day how you've changed, but take a good look at yourself sweetheart at the end of the day neither one of us can proclaim our moral virtues to the world. The people we align ourselves with don't make us who we are; we are who we are no matter how well we try to disguise it.

I think one of the things that bothers you the most is that I didn't want you to change, I wanted you to be you, I could live with your lies, but I hated it when you lied to yourself and believed you needed Rafe to make you a better person.

To me you were a far better person without him. Then again better for us means something entirely different to others. I can see you now trying to argue with me that you aren't like me, but face it you are whether you want to admit it or not.

I made you question Rafe's ability in whether or not he could find Sydney since he was a go by the book man with the exception of breaking the rules and sleeping with the woman he was supposed to be protecting. Don't you find it rather odd how attached you became to him? Did you realize how much he tried to control your life?

It was all a game to me then, a matter of wits, a way to see how far I could push the envelope so to speak and you took it hook, line and sinker. Did it make me happy to see you upset? No, but it didn't make me happy that you wanted Rafe in your life either.

At least one thing was for sure, we were both mad at Nicole and wanted to see her punished for her role in taking Sydney from us the times that she did and for all the heartache her lies had caused us both. When we were summoned to Nicole's hearing at least we were in alliance in wanting Nicole to pay.

We both testified against her, told the judge what a mockery she had made of the entire situation. How for her own selfish reasons she kept the truth from us. I thought justice would be served for Nicole, but while she did serve some prison time, it wasn't nearly enough.

I was upset when Brady spoke up for her on her behalf, we had told our side of the story and then he told hers of how she had lost her baby and she lost her mind after her baby died. He spoke of how Nicole suffered and then she went on the stand, crying her heart out, speaking of her remorse. The only bright side I could see to the proceedings was that she was broken, just like I was so my taking Sydney only made it right to have her wonder when and if Sydney would be found.

Her jail sentence of twenty years made you outraged and when later she was acquitted by the governor for her crimes at least she had time to reflect over what she had done. Payback is a bitch so they say and at least she had gotten some of what she deserved, but do we ever fully get what we deserve?

I was glad when you and Rafe broke up again, but it never was for very long. I still can't understand your attraction for him and don't guess I ever will. It sickened me when you claimed it was a miracle when you got back together and you felt like we would be able to find Sydney, especially with Rafe to help us.

I did something worse; something to make you feel like you had lost Sydney forever. I took some of her clothes, which had blood placed on them and threw them into the river where I knew they would be found. It was a horrid thing for me to do, but I was sick and tired of you flaunting the love of your life in front of me. Was I wrong in what I did? Yes, I know that now. Would I do it again? Before I answer that would you have kept Sydney from me all over again if Nicole hadn't taken her? I believe I know your answer since you answered it for me unknowingly of my presence so I guess it suffices to say we were both wrong albeit in different aspects.

So I took it to the next level, I was going to prove to you that he wasn't as smart as he and you thought he was and I made plans to leave the country with both of our children. I almost did it too, was going to leave without a trace and you would wonder the rest of your days where your children were and what they were doing without you, but in the end I couldn't bring myself to take Johnny and Sydney away from their mother.

I made you distrust Rafe again, but you never really had as strong of a bond as you wanted to believe you did anyway. The blind trust you had in him was ridiculous. I told you Rafe was the reason we didn't have our daughter. I told you the hell with you, the hell with Rafe and I meant it. I was so sick and bloody tired of you defending him, of you letting him get more and more involved into our children's lives.

I told you were in this with Rafe and I was alone. You kept saying we were in this together, but we weren't because you made it clear that he was so important in your life, in our children's lives. I was angry and bitter and rightly so, I had made up my mind, my plans were made and I wasn't going off course. You weren't ever going to completely leave Rafe; you let him come around each time you swore off of him.

I was going to take the children with me and you'd never see Johnny or Sydney again. I should have done it, went without a second thought of the misery you would endure with our departure. But one very important thing stopped me, the thing that always stopped me, you. Anna told me I couldn't hurt you because I loved you. I argued with her, but she was right, I was still in love with you even if you never were going to love me back. I just wasn't ready to admit it to myself then; I tried to hold onto the hurt you had instilled in me when you lied about Grace.

I wanted you to have nothing, but I was the one with nothing instead. I wanted you to hurt, but I was hurting all the more with each passing day. I wish I could have left, but somehow you were always on my mind and I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't hurt you, so I brought you back Sydney instead.

Of course Rafe couldn't let it go; he was determined to find who was behind Sydney's kidnapping. I just wish he had never entered our lives at all. I still hate him to this day. I will never like or trust him as long as I live. I wish I could say I was a bigger person and could overcome it all, but I can't and I won't lie about my feelings for him, not even to put your mind at ease.

The following months were kind of strange ones for me. I had brought back Sydney to you and while you were happy Rafe wanted the full details. When I saw you smile I knew that not leaving had been the right thing to do in all of this mess.

Then one day we were talking, Rafe and you had broke up again and you were sad, you know he made you sad lots of times whether you wanted to admit it or not. It came over me all of the sudden and you wondered what was wrong with me, but I couldn't tell you. I realized I was still in love with you and the enormity of what I had done about Sydney made that realization all the more real to me.

Realizing that I'd never stopped loving you made it all the worse. Why had I thought getting revenge would make me whole again? The revenge only tore me apart and in the long run kept me from all that I had ever wanted and that was to be with you and raise our family together.

Guess you never thought I'd admit that, but taking a long look into your past mistakes and trying to rectify them sometimes just goes to show you how your actions can cause a chain reaction which closely resembles a train wreck of sorts, once it starts it is hard as hell to stop.

And I surely had one hell of a train wreck on my hands with no way of knowing how and when it would end.

EJ

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLII

Sami decided to get up and stretch, she had a cramp in her leg and her neck felt sore, but she could see she was getting close to the end of the batch of letters along with a few other items wrapped up, and as much as she wanted to open the items she knew whatever EJ wanted to give her would correspond with the letter he had written to her. She was proud of herself for not letting her curiosity ruin whatever kind of surprise she supposed was waiting for her when she opened up those last few packages that were left in the trunk even if surprises had never been a favorite thing of hers to receive.

It was late, she hadn't eaten, but she wasn't hungry for food, she was too intrigued by the letters from EJ to give food much thought even as her stomach was beginning to rumble its disagreement with her assessment. She ignored her stomach, she wanted to reach the end of the letters and hopefully she could fully understand the reasoning behind EJ's motives.

It was uncanny how well he could gauge her reaction when he was writing to her, although she wondered why she was so surprised they were so much alike it was scary and for once she didn't stop to remind herself that she wasn't like EJ anymore. Fact was they were more alike than she even believed before she had started reading the letters.

EJ meant so many different things to her, she had loved him, she had hated him, he had been her best friend, the only one who truly understood her motives even when most people would have shunned her and had done that very thing to her when she truly let herself be who she wanted to be around others.

The only other person who came as close to understanding her besides EJ was her twin Eric and he had been so far removed from Salem and their lives there it was hard to reconnect with him with the few calls and even fewer visits they were able to make with one another.

It was ironic really that she man she claimed she hated was the one who knew her better than anyone else, her present husband included and she knew EJ better than anyone too, his hopefully ex-wife included if he meant what he had said earlier about he and Nicole being finished for good this time. She wanted to believe he was truly rid of that gold digging skank once and for all.

She guessed her hatred of Nicole was the equivalent of EJ's hatred of Rafe, both thought their significant other wasn't worthy of them. Maybe she guessed she could see why it had angered EJ so when she treated Rafe like he was a second father to their children. She wouldn't ever accept Nicole being Johnny or Sydney's mother so why would she expect EJ to accept Rafe trying to be Johnny or Sydney's father?

Lucas hadn't put up much of a fight about Rafe being in a father role with Will and Allie, but she knew Lucas was done with her for good just like she was with him. They were better suited as friends; she should have never married him in the first place and probably wouldn't have if EJ hadn't put up such a fight against her when she had told him she was going to marry Lucas. Once again her stubborn pride had guided her to make another huge mistake in her life.

She sat back down leaning against the trunk and thought about what EJ had said about the chain of events resembling a train wreck which kind of summed up her life for the most part. If anyone knew about train wrecks, of plans gone awry, humiliation to the nth degree and downright being ostracized from polite society it was her.

Ever since she had been a teenager she had went from one bad decision, scheme or failure to another. EJ thought his life was fucked up, well what about hers? They really were suited for one another; they experienced crazy like other people experienced normalcy. They had tried to one up the other one and it just kept going on and on like some weird version of Groundhog Day. Oh god what was she thinking? She and EJ weren't suited for one another; they were supposed to be at odds with one another right now like they had been for the past year.

She wondered why EJ had been surprised when he realized he had still been in love with her that day they were talking at her apartment. She should have known it then from the way he was acting towards her. She had fallen in and out of love with him so many times since the day they had met it made her head spin. Not that she had told him of those countless times because she had fought those feelings of love for him with all the strength she had possessed.

She didn't want to think about his betrayal of kidnapping Sydney. What if she hadn't found out the truth? Would she be married to EJ right now instead of Rafe? Her head was starting to hurt from all of these questions that were bombarding her.

This was the main reason she avoided thinking about the what if's of life because somehow they always came back to EJ. Somehow everything came back to EJ no matter what else she tried to do.

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLIII

Dear Samantha,

God knows we've had our share of bad memories, more than two people should have to have with one another, yet it's the good memories that are the worse for me. The good ones hurt too much, reminding me of all that could have been but are not. The good memories rip gashes into my soul and leave me helplessly bleeding from the wounds inflicted upon it.

Lexie realized I loved you and she wondered why it bothered me so because all she said I had to do was tell you, but she didn't know what I had done. Another thing that was always in the back of my mind was I never knew how you would react, if you would reject me again like you had all the other times when I had tried so hard to make you see you loved me like I loved you.

You, Samantha Gene Brady, are hard on a man's confidence, or at least you are on mine because before you entered my life I never second guessed myself.

It was nice that we sort of became friends again; I mean I could even joke with you a little bit sometimes and we were talking, really talking. It was more than nice actually.

Do you realize one of the things you said you loved about Rafe was that he wasn't like you. I mean why would you want someone who was so different in their way of thinking that they were absolutely the polar opposite of who you were? I thought you were amazing; you didn't have to change to fit a mold. Why would you want to be like everyone else?

Something I didn't understand was why Will had suddenly turned against me and why he was so adamant that you not have anything to do with me. I had been good to him and he treated you like you were an idiot for us to even be talking to one another. He was disrespectful to you. I think maybe if Will hadn't been so much against us trying to be friends again it might have been easier for us.

But who am I kidding? I wanted us to be more than friends. I wanted you back into my life and little by little you started gravitating back to me. It was bittersweet though I was happy, but I knew if you found out the truth my happiness would disappear into thin air and it did in the end.

I remember a night when Johnny wouldn't go to sleep for you and you called me, funny thing I was at your door I had wanted to see you and the kids. After I got Johnny to sleep we talked and I even made you laugh. You thanked me for making you laugh and I told you how your eyes crinkled and how beautiful you were when you laughed.

When you told me you wished you hadn't of ever lied about being pregnant, it melted my heart even more. I thought it might be a good idea if you moved into the mansion with me, that way all the kids could be together with the exception of Allie since Lucas had taken her to visit with him over the summer break in Hong Kong.

You lost it; I wish you could have seen your face. You went off of me and you didn't want to move in to the mansion with Stefano and Kate. I told you we had an opportunity to make things right, to do this for the kids. I didn't think you would agree, but then you changed your mind.

Well it took a little while, but you changed your mind. I don't know if it had anything to do when I had been attacked or not, but I was glad you decided to move in with the kids. I thought it would be good for all of us if you only gave us some time.

You picked me up from the hospital and we managed to get you moved into the mansion and suddenly you didn't want to stay and I had to question was part of the reason you didn't want to stay was because of me. You closed off from me and immediately became evasive. You said you couldn't stay and wanted to go, giving me just an hour to prepare the kids to leave again.

Then you told me the townhouse was flooded, a pipe had burst and the living room was in four feet of standing water. While I wasn't behind the burst pipe, Stefano was I found out later, I was so thankful that you and the kids would be staying. I wanted you all with me. I wanted the chance for us to all be together.

You made it very clear to me it was just a temporary situation and that you were just there for the kids, Will, Johnny and Sydney, not for me at all and you didn't want anyone thinking that way about us. I didn't understand why you were so reticent about moving in, but I kept at you and you finally admitted it was because we kissed and I apparently didn't remember it happening.

I thought you would have known by then what a good actor I was, but no it seemed like you believed me when I acted surprised. Darling, I remember every time we ever kissed, I may have had my head bashed in and was bleeding, but when I asked you not to go, to stay with me and you did.

My head was hurting like hell, but when you leaned over to me I knew if only for a brief moment I could taste your sweet mouth once more I would take my chances and hope you wouldn't swat me away, so I leaned up and kissed you, taking away your words of worry about me being hurt. It was only for a moment, but I felt it, you kissed me back and for the first time in a very long time I had something I thought was long gone.

I had hope.

EJ

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLIV

She should have known EJ remembered the kiss way before she told him about it. Oh how he liked to draw things out from her, trying to get her to tell him what was on her heart and mind without her realizing it. As for if she responded to their kiss or not, well…

Okay, she had responded to EJ's kiss, his kisses always made her respond, brought so much intensity from within her that she usually ran away from those feelings. She wondered if she would ever stop running and face things. Maybe one day she'd get the courage to see things through without running away when things got too emotional for her?

There had been times during her stay at the mansion that she had felt incredibly drawn to EJ, the almost kisses, the longing looks, the ever growing friendship, the sweet goodnights to her from him. She thought about all the times when they were to the point of kissing and then they would get interrupted. She thought about the times they actually kissed, how incredible it could be even if it lasted only a few moments.

Of course people had gotten in their way, hell she really didn't know of the times she had thought she was hopelessly in love with someone else only to have EJ come sweeping into her life once more and turning it all upside down. She didn't have the market cornered of turning things topsy-turvy like EJ said she did to him.

EJ had seen her through Austin, Lucas and Rafe and somehow he was still connected to her. Now if he was really getting rid of that skank Nicole for good then there might be some hope for him. He didn't need Nicole in his life at all. She shook her head; she must be hungry and sleepy if she was thinking such crazy things.

Like EJ said the good times could hurt the most because they had some really good times together even if it was in the creepy mansion as she had liked to call it. She thought back to what they had called DiMera family game night, teaching Johnny how to play poker, laughing with one another, late night talks about their kids, how EJ could get her to relax and not worry. It had been so wonderful to get him back in her life as her friend.

She thought about picnics and kind things he had done for her and for the children. She thought about going to the beach as a family and them having fun, really having fun with one another. The camaraderie they shared with one another, the confusion she had felt and how EJ could make her laugh even when she felt like she was crying. Sometimes the looks he would give her and of the times when she hadn't wanted to run away from him.

When EJ told her he had loved her she had responded that she cared about him as a friend and he didn't believe her. She had been mad, she told him she called the shots concerning her life, not him, but when he got close to her, it made her not think straight, and they would kiss or almost kiss and her heart would do that flip flop crazy thing whenever EJ got near her, but she hadn't been in love with him.

She hadn't been in love with EJ, had she?

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLV

Dear Samantha,

One day Johnny was acting out, not wanting to listen to you and it got us to talking about how confused he was about the joint custody, that most children wanted their parents together. I could see in your eyes you knew exactly how he felt and before I knew it I let it slip that when we were married things would be different.

It took you by surprise when I said it, hell it took me by surprise that I blurted it out, but after I had said it I didn't want to take it back either. You were flabbergasted and I saw I needed to clarify my intentions. You thought I was asking you right then if I was proposing and I wasn't, maybe it more of a testing of the waters to see if you were even receptive to the idea of us getting married.

So while you sat down trying to calm yourself I took the opportunity to get closer, to tell you that when and I meant when I proposed to you there would be no doubt of you knowing it. I said everything will be perfect. I would wait until the time is right, place is right. I'd look you in your eye while I'd kneel in front of you all the while thinking I was kneeling in front of my past. And how, if you would have me, I'll rise to greet my future, a future with you. I said I would tell you how much I loved you, how much I'd always loved you and how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

It was true too every word I said to you that day. I wanted so much for you to want me to ask you, but it was obvious you weren't ready. I could see the confusion on your face as you struggled to comprehend that I was even contemplating marriage between us. I believed it was inevitable and I kept hoping you would see it would be the right thing to do. We belong together; we always have from the moment our eyes met.

I didn't understand why you kept fighting against it, the constant tug that was always pulling at both of us whenever we were in a room together, the way our eyes could meet and we were instantly drawn to one another, the spark of passion that seemed to ignite whenever we got close enough to touch or even barely touch one another. I knew that wasn't all one sided on my part, I knew it as well as I knew my own name.

I backed off and decided to wait to propose although it wasn't very long after when I summoned up to courage to ask you for real. I went on the pier and waited for you to come by. I was going fishing so to speak, but what I was hoping to catch was you. I even donned a fishing hat for the occasion; it didn't matter if I made a fool of myself because my pride paled in comparison when I thought we might actually have a chance to be married. I wanted nothing more than to be your husband, to have the right to love you openly and adore you each day for the rest of our lives.

When I cajoled you into fishing with me and said you had a bite on your line of course you argued with me that you didn't, but I urged you to reel your line in and when you did, there it was the ring tied to the hook. I never even considered the possibility that it might come untied and I would have lost the ring before I even had the chance to ask you to marry me. I was so hopeful and I got down on one knee and really proposed to you.

You said you thought we were going to wait, but I just couldn't any longer because I realized how much things had changed for us especially when you asked if you and the kids could come live in the mansion with me. I spoke of my love for you of how much I had always loved you and how even if I spent an entire lifetime on my knees before you I could never fully describe the place you held in my heart and in that moment truer words had never been spoken by me to anyone.

I asked you simply to please let me love you. It was all I wanted to do was to love you and for us all to be a family in every sense of the word. I would have done anything for you, anything at all.

Well anything I guess except to tell you the truth of what I had done in kidnapping Sydney. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when amidst your tears you told me no. I was so disappointed, I wanted it so badly. You know at first when I was asking you to marry me I thought your tears were tears of joy then I realized you were crying because maybe you didn't want to hurt me since you weren't ready to make that kind of commitment to me.

It was an awkward moment, I stood up and you tried to tell me how grateful you were to me for all I had done to get you through the past few months and how romantic my proposal was and all I could think was why wouldn't you give me the chance? I wanted to spend the rest of my days making it up to you for what I had done, but I couldn't tell you the truth, I just couldn't see you turn against me. I was scared, I know you don't think I get scared, but I do and I was scared of my emotions, scared you would find out the truth and scared you would leave me and once again I'd be all alone with nothing.

I learned the hard way that lying to you hurt everyone I cared about, you and the kids meant the world to me and I thought we would all have a life together, but my lies ruined it all. I might've thought I had good reasons for doing it at the time, but in the end it did nothing but wreck our relationship and hurt you. And when you get hurt, you attack.

On our wedding day when you found out the truth I was behind Sydney's kidnapping I begged you to forgive me, I got on my hands and knees begging you, saying we could get past it. I still loved you and I begged and begged you. I never begged anyone for anything and yet I had no pride left all I wanted was for your forgiveness.

I told you I loved you, we loved one another and our children and I told you how much I changed. I was the biggest fool that day believing you did love me even though I had committed the more heinous thing ever by kidnapping Sydney and ultimately making you believe she was dead.

You replied with such venom in your voice, that no you hadn't loved me that you had loved Rafe all along and thank god we hadn't gotten married. You said anything you had felt for me that I killed it and you were taking my children out of here and that I would never see them again. I had nothing at all.

I was at the lowest point in my life, I had lost everything and everyone I cared about, but I thought you loved me. Guess I should be glad you set me straight that day.

Just know this; on our almost wedding day that I had never stopped loving you. I had tried, I had tried so damn hard, but no matter what I did I couldn't get you out of my mind. You ruined me for anyone else. What had you done to me? Then I think what in the fuck have I done to you? You'll probably never get over hating me all the while I still kept hoping one day you are going to choose me and my love.

You never would, you never would give me the chance to change. All you saw was your chance to leave and take my children from me and that is what you did.

I had gambled and lost it all, I actually thought you loved me, some part of you loved me, but you let me know exactly where your heart was and it wasn't with me. I had nothing left to live for and I was going to end it all. I got drunk to the point of not knowing and so after some serious soul searching I knew the best thing I could do was kill myself. I couldn't live my life without you and the children.

I know you believe in God, but what kind of God makes our lives such a living hell? Why can't I forget you and go on with my life? Why would I still want you? You have lied to me time and time again. When I would get hope up that you might love me, you dashed my hopes time and time again. I was a fool for you Samantha, a fool for you and your impossible love that I could never manage to procure from you, but luckily I won't ever be a fool for love again.

So I guess I should thank you for that small favor the day you shot me you did more than try to eradicate me from the face of the earth. While I somehow managed to survive, you did kill that hopeless romantic that resided it me and I no longer believe that love conquers all.

Love hurts too much and luckily I won't ever have to partake in the poison of love ever again.

EJ

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLVI

She didn't even realize she was crying at first, while she continued to hold the letter, rocking back and forth as she sat on the floor until she dropped it and in her haste to pick it up some of her tears mingled with EJ's words causing some of the words to smear.

She hastily wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands, hoping her tears would stop; she didn't want to mess up this letter with teardrops because it was so honest and real coming from EJ. She could hear the sound of his voice almost as if he had been reading it aloud to her himself.

She thought of how things had been before it all turned into some kind of freakish nightmare that she couldn't escape. The weeks before their almost wedding had been good ones even if she still had been confused with her lingering feelings for Rafe, making her think that by choosing EJ he was like a consolation prize for her.

Had she been that arrogant and full of herself of thinking she was doing EJ a favor by marrying him? She wasn't one to cheat, didn't believe in it and never wanted to be a person who willingly participated in that kind of behavior. She guessed that stemmed from the betrayal she had always associated with finding her mother and John having sex while Marlena had been married to her dad. But she knew when she kept wavering back and forth from EJ to Rafe she had been in the wrong.

EJ had deserved better from her than some halfhearted attempt and agreement to marry him. When she thought back to his almost proposal and then his subsequent actual proposal she knew she had never had anyone say and believe such romantic things about her. She wasn't a person to inspire some grand illusion of love and romance, yet when EJ had proposed to her it was no wonder she had cried because his heartfelt declaration of wanting to love her for the rest of his life had touched her to the core.

She had felt guilty because she had been torn, she hadn't wanted to hurt EJ, to lead him on and yet she had exactly done what she hadn't wanted to do. She remembered the day she had said yes to him, they were all at the beach, having a good time together as a family.

She recalled their conversation of how she had talked about the concept of original sin. EJ had said she was all over the place and she had been and it came to her when he spoke of how he had forgiven her and she had responded of how much of a mistake she had made in the first place.

It had astounded her that he had forgiven her when she hadn't been able to forgive herself. She recalled how EJ quoted Gandhi saying that the weak cannot forgive, that forgiveness was an attribute of the strong. Right now she didn't feel so strong, she hadn't forgiven EJ of kidnapping Sydney, she had went back to the mansion that night after she had been with Rafe and when she found the gun beside his unconscious body she had took the gun and shot him.

She was weak, she had called EJ a monster, but she was a monster. How could she have kicked him when he was at his lowest? Yes, she had been upset, she was in shock after she had found out EJ was the person behind Sydney's kidnapping, and EJ was right when she was hurt, she attacked.

For all her claims of being a better person she had been the one who had started it all, her lies about being pregnant with EJ's child had been the original sin, yet how could EJ forgive her when she couldn't forgive EJ even after he had begged and pleaded with her telling her he knew it had been the biggest mistake of his life.

She had stood there judging him with self righteous condemnation, telling him all along she had never loved him, that she had loved Rafe, hoping to hurt him all the more and that she was taking his children from him and he would never see them again. She should have left it at that, she could have, but no she was determined to punish him.

What kind of person tried to take another person's life and then left the scene of the crime going back and slipping into bed with another man and acting like she had never left in the first place? Sure EJ had been maniacal, but she had been fooling herself all along thinking she was blameless after the truth had came out of Sydney's kidnapping.

Most women would be considered a whore doing what she had done, one day almost married to one man, that night which should have been her wedding night she was in bed with another man and the next day she was accepting his proposal of marriage. All her claims of that she was doing what was best for the kids seemed pitiful. How could they have understood one minute they thought they were all going to be a family with she and EJ and then the same day she dropped them off with her grandmother, went to have sex with Rafe, shot EJ and then after acting like the innocent in the entire scenario she accepted Rafe's marriage proposal.

Looking at it now after reading EJ's letter, it made her feel horrible and she had to finally admit it even if it were only to herself that it was nothing short of acting like a whore. Had she thought just by sleeping with Rafe she could erase the things EJ had done all the while twisting the knife into EJ even more? Just because she was a Brady didn't make her some kind of saint, far from it and EJ had always seen that in her, something Rafe wanted her to be, Rafe had always wanted to place all the blame on EJ.

No she wasn't a saint, neither was EJ, they had both done terrible, terrible things to one another. Right now the only difference was EJ had admitted his wrongdoings and begged for her forgiveness the night of their almost wedding, she had taken a gun and shot him and shown no remorse nor asked for EJ's forgiveness making her question what kind of person was she truly when everything was said and done.

EJ was right she had done more than try to erase his existence from this earth, she had taken something far more important from him, his belief in love was gone, she was responsible for EJ turning away from the hopes and dreams he had for them all and sadly she wondered if she would ever see EJ's eyes light up with joy and love like they had the day she had accepted his proposal.

She had killed his spirit even if she hadn't killed him physically. Really what kind of monster did that make her? EJ had been wrong about her, she wasn't the strongest person he had ever known because she hadn't been able to forgive him and ask for forgiveness in return from him for her part in trying to kill him. She hadn't even thought him worthy of showing any kind of remorse for what she had tried to do to him.

It hit her all so hard, so hard that she was physically sick to her stomach and she had to get up quickly trying to reach the front door hoping she could make it outside before she threw up. It was like reliving that night all over again, it was making her see her role and as she weakly vomited in the bushes outside the house, she tried to keep herself from falling.

She didn't know how long she stood outside, trying to get some fresh air in the night surrounding her, she had no concept of time, only that she knew now she had to make things right between them, prove that she could be a strong person, one who was able to forgive and humble enough to ask forgiveness for her wrongdoings.

Rafe had enabled her to believe she was blameless, that she had been a martyr, that EJ had been the one who had used and abused her, but she was a mirror image of EJ and the past year she had been fooling herself into thinking she was spotless in the blame. She had become something she had never thought she would be she had become like all the rest of them, the ones she hadn't understood in their lack of compassion and forgiveness unless it was to their own kind, always turning a blind eye to others they deemed had wronged them.

She leaned against the doorframe, steadying herself all the while hoping she wouldn't be sick again either. She was a wreck emotionally after reading these letters, but one thing was for certain, she had to make some big changes in her life and one of those changes had to be the way she was living her life because she didn't even know who she was anymore, not at all.

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLVII

Dear Samantha,

Did it surprise you when you didn't kill me and that you were the one in charge of my health care decisions if I was unable to make them? What did it feel like to know that once again you had the power to choose whether I lived or died? Too bad I was out of it at the time to see you squirm or rather lie your way around the hospital acting like you had no clue as to who shot me.

Did you even consider if you wanted me to die you could do that very thing so that your secret would be safe from the world? I wonder if you even hesitated for a second in making your decision. I wonder if it had been me in your shoes what I would have done? Hmmm, guess we'll never know the answer to that one now will we?

I knew there was no love lost between you and Arianna. You didn't like her and she sure as hell didn't like you one bit. While I wished I had appreciated her more than I did I wasn't used to someone who actually wanted to be my friend with no strings attached. She was a good person who'd had a bad lot in life, but she saw right through your holier than thou act.

I'll be honest with you the more you were around Rafe the smugger you became and that attribute of your personality isn't very flattering. When I first woke up I was very disoriented about things, I wasn't really sure what had happened, but it slowly came to me in tiny flashes, not enough to figure everything out fully. I was weak, but not weak enough to figure out a plan.

I was going to figure out who shot me. I wasn't sure of who had done it, I hadn't done it, that much was sure, but everything was still kind of fuzzy. But darling your face gave it away from the moment you came into the room and I knew it, you had done it, you had shot me. I just didn't have the proof yet.

So I did what I did best, I planned things in my head and I could judge how nervous you were whenever I mentioned our being married, guilt does a myriad of things, doesn't it? It was a game of cat and mouse, one we had played several times on different occasions.

I had the advantage, even if you were shacking up with Rafe; I had you wondering exactly what was going on in my mind. But Arianna was such an asset to me; she truly wanted to be my friend and to help me. She was the only I could trust and I sweet talked my way into her heart, she wanted to do whatever she could to make sure my suspicions were unfounded.

I even told you that you could tell me anything, anything at all and I wouldn't stop loving you. I kept hoping you'd tell me the truth, but you didn't. I told you I was terribly, terribly sorry for all that I had done to you.

You finally told me we weren't married, oh how smug you and Rafe were standing there with your father in tow. I was planning on taking the children away from you anyway and your actions that day just sealed the deal for me.

I asked Arianna if she would try to find out if you or William had shot me and she did it. The only downside to it all was that you and your son drove her to the point of trying to find an escape from the both of you, resulting in her accident.

I hate Arianna died; I really could have used a friend especially since you had turned your back on me. She had tried to tell me the truth and luckily though I got the proof I needed although I never thought Nicole would end up being my savior.

When you think of it, what kind of man was Rafe if he was willing to keep your secret about you shooting me? For him to be such a law abiding citizen he surely has some mixed up concepts of right and wrong. I don't see how you can justify what you did and how you all hid it and not expect me to try anything I could to get my children back. I wasn't going to let Rafe Hernandez act like he was their father.

Believe me Rafe never has nor will he ever be the father of my children. While Lucas might kowtow to your wishes, I wasn't going to lie down and let Rafe pretend he was the father of my children.

Did it even bother you that you turned Rafe against his sister? I doubt it because it didn't bother me in the least to turn Arianna against Rafe. When she realized he had known all about it and didn't turn you in it crushed her. She told me Rafe getting involved with you had been a terrible mistake and she didn't want him to be with you.

Do you know how I kept a straight face when Arianna was worried about Rafe? It was so damn hard, but I was calm, because I didn't give a fuck about what happened to Rafe and if he were hurt by believing in big bad Sami. The part I didn't figure out until later that Kate had told you that I was going to take the kids and disappear which prompted you to come shoot me in the first place.

You and Rafe were so determined to keep me from Sydney and Johnny. It was just so fucking hypocritical of you. Rafe was the good guy, he did no wrong yet he lied, just like we all lied. Guess he wasn't such a saint after all.

Arianna got you to admit the truth and she got it all on camera. I didn't know that at the time, but when it mattered I found out the truth.

Was that the reason why you fought with her before her death? Or was it because she held the damning evidence against you? You really were slipping to give your confession of shooting me to the woman who actually thought more of me than she ever did you.

She kept trying to tell me before she was hit by the car, which by the way she was running out into the street to get away from your ever faithful son Will. How does it feel to get your children involved in lying for you? For all your claims of never using the children you sure have a skewed view of right and wrong when it comes to young William.

I will never be able to thank Arianna personally for what she did for me, she passed away before I knew what she had known, but luckily when Arianna left Brady some of her personal possessions, low and behold guess what was in the box? The video camera with your taped confession of how and why you shot me and you know I may not have used it against you, that was until I found out you were going to marry Rafe and then all bets were off.

I was so pissed off when I found out you and Rafe were having a stupid wedding. Our children were already so confused, you played one day I'm marrying EJ, and the next few weeks you were going to marry Rafe. Marriage for you is like changing outfits apparently. So when I had the evidence that you shot me I sure as hell was going to get my kids back.

It was a tug of war for them, we were both so determined the other wasn't going to raise our children. The sad thing was if you had only given into Nicole's request to see Sydney I would have never gotten what I needed to get them from you.

Nicole Walker may be a bitch, but she wanted to see Sydney and be a part of her life. The good thing was I was a gambling man and I thought when she asked me for one condition I was willing to listen to her when she wanted to help raise Sydney with me. I thought she had lost her fucking mind, but she had the one thing I needed. The video tape of your confession and it was exactly what I needed to take back what was rightfully mine, our children.

Nicole told me she saw the video camera inside Arianna's safety deposit box and she took it. She told me how you and Rafe tried to play her so as luck would have it she turned to me. It hit me hard; at least I knew for certain that you had done it. You tried to kill me.

I gave her a counteroffer, she apologized to me again, wanting me to put the past behind me. She told me she had really loved me and I told her I had loved her for a time, a very short time, and the interesting thing was that I didn't believe in love anymore, so it was all good.

Nicole gave it to me and then I went to see you and your hero Rafe. I think at first you were surprised when I was at the door, but you really didn't know what to say when I began to play the video for you both. Too bad your Uncle Bo came by, I almost let him watch it, but watching you both sweat it out was so much more fun or I thought it was at the time. Bo is such a buzz kill though, the man really has no sense of humor, then again I don't know why it would surprise me because he can't solve a freaking case for the Salem PD.

You never would say you were sorry to me, that you tried to kill me. You put up a brave front against me, only saying you were out of your mind when you tried to murder me. You said it was a vicious cycle you tried to stop and how you praised Rafe for saving you from a life with me. It was sickening to hear you talk about how wonderful he was to you and our kids.

We argued about how inadmissible my evidence was with only the tape, but I had something else. I knew where the gun was because you threw it in the river. I found it in the river, had it retrieved. It was nice to be back on top again, I may have been down but I certainly wasn't out.

I told you I would forget about the fact that you shot me in the head and take your secret to the grave. I wanted the children with me. You stumbled around trying to talk about that we could share time with them; you didn't understand I wanted it all. I was going to have full custody of the children, which meant no visits; you didn't get to see them ever. You were going to be dead to them, just like you tried to kill me.

You called me a bastard; I told you I was being pretty damn generous considering you tried to kill me. You said I wasn't thinking of the children, but somehow you never saw it that you did the exact same thing saying I would never see my children again. I knew I had you when I spoke of how all three of you kept the truth, you, Rafe and William. All three of you would be going to jail and either way I would get the kids anyway.

You begged me not to put the children in the middle of this, but that is the exact same thing you had done to me. Why was it all right for you to take the kids from me, but not for me to do the same? Why? You tried to play me, but I was immune to your charms or almost immune anyway. You almost had me convinced that was until I looked up from your heartfelt pleas and saw the photograph of you and Rafe together.

To think you were foolish enough to marry Rafe when I just gave you a time limit on when I was coming for the kids. I'm pretty sure they are all going to need some kind of therapy, we surely need it too. That news was just too much for me to deal with and I lost it.

If you were going to marry Rafe, then I had no choice I took Nicole with me. I had given you twenty four hours to say goodbye to the children and you spent that time marrying Rafe. I was so pissed and so I decided if you wanted to hurt me by marrying Rafe, then I would let Nicole help me take them away from you.

Vicious cycle just kept turning and turning. I told you how you didn't put your children first. I called you promiscuous too, anything to turn the knife a bit like you loved to do to me. I think the final touch was for me to ask Nicole to take Sydney from your arms. When Johnny asked why you were crying I told him it was because you were so happy that you had married Rafe that nothing meant more to you than for you to marry him.

I thought my revenge was a good one, you may have gotten your hero, but I got my children back and for a while that was enough. At least until Johnny got sick and then both our worlds turned upside down.

I didn't want to believe the doctor when he told us Johnny had cancer in his eye. Neither one of us wanted to believe it was true. When the doctor told us the surgery to remove Johnny's eye was the only way to eradicate the cancer. If they were able to take it that it would keep it from spreading to other parts of the body.

In light of Johnny's cancer scare it made our games of revenge nothing short of being what it truly was, petty games between us. Revenge wasn't important anymore; I wanted Johnny to be better. We agreed to tolerate each other.

We talked to the doctor together; asking questions, it was difficult and even more heartbreaking was the talk with our son. We didn't want him to suffer and we tried our best to keep him calm about the surgery. We talked to Johnny about how much we loved him.

Johnny came through the first surgery with flying colors and I was still hurt with you and told you that was it, you could go, I didn't want you around. It was cruel and I shouldn't have done it, but you know me, determined to show you that you couldn't ever hurt me again. We just kept hurting one another. Looking back now I don't know why I was so intent on hurting you beyond my trying to get past the jealously I had of you being with Rafe over me.

Jealously is a vicious predator, attacking the soul and making you say and do things that after they are out, you can't take back no matter how many I'm sorry's or not sorry's as the case may be. I knew when Johnny had the second surgery I needed to let go of my anger towards you even if you were blind to the fact that Rafe had turned you into someone I barely even recognized on most days. I guess the same could be said of me when I was in Nicole's clutches.

I did go to pray for Johnny in the hospital chapel, I knew God really didn't think much of me, but I wasn't asking for help for me, it was for Johnny. I made a bargain with God that day if He'd allow Johnny to keep his eyesight than I would end my battle with you. I didn't know you were listening to me, but I was going to keep my word.

I was so thankful when everything turned out all right, Johnny could see and I would let you back into the children's lives. While I wish I could have been a kind hearted man I didn't include Rafe in the bargain he wasn't in my offer of a truce.

I still despised Rafe and when my father offered me a proposition to alter his life I took it. It certainly wasn't the brightest move of my life along with me asking Nicole to marry me again. I shouldn't have married her, much less slept with her sister after I married her. If I had been in love with Nicole I wouldn't have done that to her. I thought Taylor was a chance for me to start over, for someone to love me, but I've already told you I don't believe in love anymore so it didn't work out.

I've talked with Nicole and we both agree it is best to go our separate ways. We both need a new start so I had the paperwork drawn up for our divorce and it should be finalized within a few more days from today. I don't know if you'll even care although I know you will be glad Nicole won't be involved in the children's lives anymore at least not with me.

So on to the last few packages in the trunk. I am so very tired of it all, the games, the who has what to hold against one another. I think when the other day when Johnny told me I wasn't his father that it broke what was left of my heart. When you asked me to consider doing what was best for my children in signing over rights to you I thought about it non-stop for days afterward and maybe you are right.

For once I am going to put my children first with no agenda. So open the packages, if you don't think I was sincere in my intentions with these letters after you open them, you will know for sure.

For once I'm actually taking the high road. Can you believe it Samantha?

EJ

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLVIII

To say she was curious was an understatement, she was proud she had resisted temptation to open the packages that were left in the trunk. Well now she could open them without feeling guilty. Not that after reading this last letter helped any with her mounting feelings of guilt.

Well one thing was for certain, when EJ DiMera wanted to tell someone off he does and you know it by the time he is finished. His last letter had been of many things, talk of how terribly wrong this past year had been and it hit home with her there were many things she needed to do.

The first of which was something she should have done a very long time ago and that was apologize to EJ. Really though how did one go about saying they were sorry for trying to kill you? It wasn't like you could go to the Hallmark store and pick out a card for the occasion. She doubted she would find an I'm sorry I tried to pop a cap in you while you were passed out drunk on our failed wedding day card anywhere in any store across the nation although Salem should be the exception to the rule.

She was sorry, she was so sorry, she hadn't meant it. She had just been so upset that night, upset and confused and scared after Kate called her telling her that EJ was going to kidnap the children and disappear with them and then she would never see them again. She had snapped, something died within her that night and looking back she guessed it was part of her conscience. She had lost it and had done the unthinkable of trying to kill the father of two of her children.

Then when he lived she was in a constant state of panic thinking she was going to be caught, until Rafe told her he understood and agreed to keep her secret. Knowing how she had also influenced Will in his hatred for EJ she felt even more guilty considering how EJ had always been good to Will, never showing favoritism to any of her children, treating them all the same with love even when Will had turned against him.

She realized EJ was the one who had told her he loved her no matter what stupid, drama-queen shit she pulled and she had pulled some doozies on him. There was something about these moments after reading these letters she realized she had been wrong about a lot of things. She never, ever said the words, never begged for his forgiveness like he had the night of their almost wedding, but even without saying it she had looked to him for help fixing whatever she had screwed up in her life and she had screwed up so much. It was the something that made EJ seem larger than life.

EJ was the only person who could give her an ego boost with a single, brown eyed glance and a smile. How could she have turned her back on him when he had needed her the most? When had she lost her compassion for the one man who truly knew like no one else did on this earth?

She calmed herself before she started crying again. She needed to open these things, see what was inside and read the last letter. While she didn't understand why EJ had signed over full custody of Johnny and Sydney she was at least seeing where EJ's heart and mind were and had been over the years they had been in each other's lives.

She reached inside the trunk for the last three packages, each one a different size yet they were all wrapped in plain brown paper, kind of like the paper Grandpa Shawn used at the pub to wrap things in that she remembered so vividly from her childhood. They all had twine string for ribbons, although each one was tied in a lopsided bow in the center at the top of each package.

She opened the smallest one first; it was tiny compared to the rest of the packages. She carefully pulled the string and tore the paper, revealing a small music box with a note wrapped almost all the way around it.

To save for the girls, maybe they might have better luck than we did with either one of them.

Sami felt a huge lump in her throat, when she lifted up the lid inside the tiny music box were both sets of her wedding rings from EJ. One set she had worn the first time they were married, the other set from her last engagement to EJ. She had thought them long gone especially the last one she had thrown in his face the night they didn't get married.

Both were beautiful in their own right, both signified different times in her life, the diamonds shining brightly when the light caught their facets. He had kept both sets even when she had carelessly thrown them and EJ's love away. She didn't want to cry, she couldn't or she would never stop crying. She took a deep breath and placed them back into the box shutting the lid close and stopping the faint sweet strains of Pachelbel's Canon in D from playing.

She took the flat rectangular one second, she pulled at the string and when it loosened she started to tear the paper. The light hit the glass of the frame and it took a moment for her to see what was behind the glass.

A little note fluttered out and she caught it, taking it in one hand while holding the picture frame in the other.

I thought one day Johnny might want this picture since I truly believe he will be a famous artist. It is my personal favorite of all of his drawings and I don't want any harm to come to it.

Sami fully felt the tears in her eyes. It was the picture Johnny had drew of them all together as a family; the one EJ had loved so much. A simple child's drawing that had been a treasure to EJ. She clutched the frame to her chest and held it close to her.

She gently laid the picture down beside her and reached for the third package. This one was quite heavy and bigger than the other two packages. She untied the string and tore the paper away from the last box, never expecting to see the contents of the box much less to be the recipient of what was inside.

The note simply said:

You are now truly free. I promise to never hold anything over you again.

Her hands were literally shaking. She couldn't believe her eyes. Oh my god, he really hadn't been kidding. The two things she had feared EJ would use whenever he might choose against her were now back in her sole possession.

In the box was the video camera of Arianna's and the gun.

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLIX

My dear Samantha,

Well here it is my last letter to you. Bet you thought you'd never get to the bottom of this stack, did you? I really don't even know if you even bothered with it, this collection of my vast ramblings of the things that have happened to us over the years.

I just wanted you to understand why I was giving you full custody of Johnny and Sydney something I never ever wanted to do but after we talked on the pier, I realized this was for the best. Giving you sole care of the children is right for them at this particular point in time.

I have to go away, at least for a little while in order to find out who I really am as a person. I want to be a man these children will be proud of, someone they are not ashamed of being related to and having to apologize to others for my actions.

We have said and done some terrible things to one another, things I hate to realize I have been capable of doing to anyone, especially to you. God I loved you to the point where I couldn't see beyond wanting you and doing whatever I had to do to be with you, for you to love me.

I can finally see now this was not the way to go about things. I was so lost in finding ways to make you love me that I lost myself. So you have what you need from me. I hold nothing over your head anymore. You are completely free of me and I hope now we both can begin again anew.

I bought this house, the key I sent to you is yours, you are always welcome here if you and the children need a place to stay, no strings attached beyond that Rafe Hernandez is not welcome here. I am sorry, but this was our safe haven from the storm and he has no part here. I can't tell you what role you want for him in our children's lives after all the damage I have done, but this is a house for you to come to if you need a place of your own or just need to get away from things for a while, a sanctuary if you so desire. Think of it as if you need somewhere to go that you don't have to rely on anyone else, even me before you go with the eye roll you have perfected so well.

I need some time away, time away to think, to see what kind of man I can truly be away from the DiMera fortune and power. One day I want to be proud to be a DiMera without having to live under the shadow of my father's influence. I want my children to be proud of me. I am not foolish enough to think that you ever will feel that way about me, but it is what it is, I've done far too much damage to ever hope for anything more from you, much less for you to be proud of me.

I did love you, with all my heart and soul. I would have given my life for yours without hesitation, just as I would for our children. I know you thought I didn't know what love was, but you taught me Samantha, you came into my life and brought a joy I never knew existed before you came into my world.

I just never knew that such a steep price came with the joy. Some people search their entire lives for true love and acceptance and I guess I am one of those people who are destined to continue searching for those elusive emotions. I don't know if I'll ever find it, but you should know you had that in me. Yes, this twisted DiMera loved and accepted you for who you truly were and I still believe are somewhere hidden deep inside you, but I now know how to truly love you because I am letting you go. I want you to be happy and I've come to the realization after all this time that I'm not the one you want. I've made you cry, scream, angry to the point of wanting me dead, but not the one who made you happy.

You be happy Samantha Gene Brady, whether you are with Rafe or on your own or you find someone else in this crazy town of Salem or beyond. You deserve to be happy. I want you to take your broken wings and fly, that is what I'm planning to do, it may take some time for us to heal, but hopefully we'll both get there somehow. Anything has to be better than the pain I'm living in now.

Please let the children know I love them, I am not abandoning them and if anything happens where you need me, you can contact Justin Kiriakis for my whereabouts, he is the only one who will know how to reach me. This is in an emergency situation only.

Funny that I turn to a Kiriakis for help, but Justin seems to be fair. He may not like me much, but he was the one who agreed to help me look over what I had drawn up with the custody papers. I also have their trust funds set up, plus ones for Will and Allie too, I won't leave them out, of course not to be given to any of them until they turn twenty-one, and I also have an account set up for you to use for them, anything they need you use at your discretion. Justin has all the paperwork ready, all you need to do is go see him to get the details of the accounts.

All I ask of you is that if you so wish, meet me here on Christmas Eve of this year say around 10 pm. I will come back to Salem then, hopefully six months will give me time enough to straighten out this mess my head is in and I can find some semblance of who I am and want to be in this life. Hopefully you can find it in your heart that we can share custody of the children in some capacity, if not I will accept that decision too.

I'm leaving this completely up to you, no tricks, and no schemes on my part for once. If you refuse to meet me, don't want to see me or think it would be in the children's best interest if I am not a part of their lives anymore you can let me know then by not showing up or telling me in person whichever suits you, I will respect your decision.

I'm doing what you asked of me to do what was best for the children and until I can get my act together as a human being than this is what is best for all of us.

I have lots of regrets, but I'll never regret having you in my life no matter how things turned out between us. I love our children more than my life itself and I am changed forever because of you.

Goodbye my darling,

EJ

Sami held the letter in her hands until her tears blurred her vision and she began to sob. EJ had done exactly what she had asked of him.

She had thought she wanted to be free of him and now that she was she realized the terrible price that freedom entailed. She had pushed EJ to the point where he had to leave Salem to find some peace. She prayed he would find it.

After all she had put him through he certainly deserved it.

Moonlit Wishes
End of Book 1