Two months later France;
The Griffin's household;
It has been two months since the wedding was called off, it has been two months since Clarke heard Lexa say the words and it has been also two months since the last time Clarke talked to Finn.
She took the best move for herself which was leaving behind the place where everything crashed down to take her time and sort out all her feelings but the thing is Clarke feels nothing but numbness. She can't put a word on how she is feeling right now and the two months have not been very helpful.
When she got back home in France she decided to not take the job because all she found herself doing was repeating her mistakes. She was not going to go aboard and run away from everything in her life and throw herself from a situation to another. She needed to feel grounded again. She needed a boring routine that may help her and give her the time to think properly about what happened with her and Finn.
Finn. Clarke tried to get in touch with him several times but in vain. She wanted to apologize to Finn, she wanted to talk to him because she missed him and she felt bad at not being honest with him from the beginning.
The most infuriating thing for Clarke is not the missing nor the numbness, no. It is the fact that all she keeps thinking about is Lexa. Lexa's last words and the kiss, the kisses she gave her. They were different from any other kiss or words she ever received.
She tried to not think about her, she even asked her mother to not talk about Lexa unless she wants it herself. Of course it is hard for Abby to not talk about her while they were texting almost on a daily basis. In addition to that, Lexa sent a letter every week. Letters that kept piling up in Clarke's room.
The first letter was the hardest one to receive.
Two weeks after the wedding;
France;
Two weeks after going back to France, Clarke receives a letter from Lexa. She wasn't expecting it at all. Instead of opening it, Clarke kept staring at it for a long moment until Abby was back from work.
"I got a letter from Lexa!" Clarke lets out.
"What does it say?" Abby asks curious, Lexa did not tell her that she sent Clarke a letter..
"I don't know" Clarke replies tearing her eyes away from the letter for the first time.
"Well, read it!"
"I can't" Clarke shakes her head "I'm not…ready"
Abby sighs and sits next to Clarke on the couch "It's not a marriage proposal, Clarke. It's just a letter from the girl you love"
"You don't know that, mom" Clarke disagrees stupidly.
"Yes, I know you're just too stupid and stubborn to see it you girls are made for each other" Abby replies confidently knowing that Clarke loves Lexa.
Clarke takes a deep breath then whispers "What if she regrets telling me the words?"
Abby rolls her eyes "Honey, Lexa is not a girl who easily opens up and if she did and told you she loves you it is not going to change in a fortnight"
Clarke smiles weakly then she hears Abby again "Do you want me to text her?"
"No, no!" Clarke replies hastily.
"Good, then read it and I'm gonna take a shower. Tell me about it later" Abby says before leaving.
Clarke doesn't have the gut to read it, she feels like the envelope is pressuring her to think about things she is not ready for. She spends a restless night weighting her choices. She can't help herself soaking her pillow that night, she cries because her life is a mess.
She cries because she misses Lexa and feels somehow guilty for it. She doesn't want to be weak and fall right back in her arms, she wants to be strong and take the right decision and most importantly she wants to give herself time.
So instead of reading it, the next morning Clarke puts the letter in front of her as a reminder and starts writing Lexa back. It is not an answer to Lexa's letter obviously but a sort of explanation.
My dear Lexa;
I got your letter yesterday. I don't know why I can't bring myself to read it. Or maybe I know and I just don't want to admit loudly to myself nor to my mom. Maybe I can do it here.
The reason is that I know your words are going to touch me and that it is going to cloud my decision and shake all my plans. I know perfectly well that the minute I finish reading your words I would be flying right back to you and I don't want it. I don't want to do things for people's sake!
I never loved Finn the way I loved you yet I crossed the ocean and said yes to him just because I felt safe with him. So can you just imagine what I would be willing to do for you? It scares me to think about it. I never did this with you even if my father asked me to because I was hurt and I never really forgave you, I thought you abandoned me.
I'm deeply sorry for what happened to us, to the way life separated us at a vulnerable age, we were young and clearly our separation got the best of us. It is probably one of the things I regret the most in my life. It would have been different if I tried to get in touch with you like dad instructed me to do. I hope you'll forgive me one day because I know he was important to you too.
I'm sorry for not reading your letter. I do want to but I need time and I hope as you promised me that you will wait because I really want to have you in my life. I'm just afraid that I'll ruin us like I ruined me and Finn.
You were right Lexa, I don't even know what I want. It has nothing to do with you nor Finn, I can't compare one to another because you both own a dear place in my heart and all I've received is love and friendship from you two.
I need to figure out what I want in my life, I need to learn when to listen to my heart and when I must think with my brain.
That's why I don't want to open this letter, I know I'll fall right back in your arms and I may end up doing things for you before even sorting out everything.
Also, I really don't want to rush things, to start something while I still haven't talked to Finn. I tried but he won't answer my calls.
I'm sorry for being such a mess but right now you really deserve better. Please know that I really care about what we have, may have in the future and I don't want to do it the wrong way, I want it to be perfect just like the way you are. I want to be good to you and not let neither our past, nor Finn nor anything get between the two of us if we ever get together.
Sincerely yours;
Clarke;
After writing the letter, Clarke read it then folded it and hid it in her bedroom. She was able to write down on a paper her feelings along with apologies but she was not ready to admit them and face the consequences of her words. She'd rather have Lexa oblivion to what was going on in her heart and head. She didn't want to receive an answer, another letter and she didn't want to read Lexa, not so soon.
Present time; France;
Griffin's living-room;
"Bonjour" (Good morning) Clarke is startled by her mother's voice.
Abby has been enjoying having Clarke back at home. They definitely got closer than they have ever been since Jake's death and Abby is more than happy to be a mother again. Today she is spending the day at home, she has the day off and that's why Clarke is cooking her breakfast.
"Bonjour maman" (Good morning mom) Clarke replies with a smile. Abby walks to her daughter and kisses her.
"I'm going to get the mail" Abby says before leaving. Once, she is back she looks at Clarke warily "Clarke, honey there's another letter from Lexa"
Clarke forces a smile on her face and nods "Leave it there and come have breakfast I've been cooking for you all morning"
"You should read them" Abby comments.
"I will mom" Clarke replies.
"When? You've almost twenty letters piling up in your room"
"Six including this one" Clarke says feeling her heart clenching.
"Exactly! Why do you keep ignoring her Clarke?" Abby asks aggravated.
"I'm not ignoring her mom, I just can't do it not until I sort things out with Finn" Clarke shakes her head and Abby suggests "Then tell her that, call Finn do whatever needs to be done "
Clarke looks at her mother then nods "I will soon"
Abby sighs, Clarke has been promising her to do it for weeks now but she didn't. Abby takes her phone and texts Lexa again.
At Lexa's mansion;
It took Lexa few days after Clarke's departure to get back to her routine. The first week was the hardest for her, all she kept thinking about was going to France and the only thing that kept her from doing it was Finn, or just the thought of him.
She wanted so bad to be with Clarke, just to be around her but she knew that she lost her brother just because they love the same woman and that she has to at least wait to get him back first then think about Clarke.
But it was easier said than done, as Finn kept ignoring her phone calls and texts. Of course, it didn't stop her from trying to reach him from time to time and ask about him her best friends.
By the end of the second week, Lexa got impatient she got used to having her mansion full, Costia was not around anymore, neither was her two best friends nor her brother and Clarke.
The deafening silence filled the walls and all Lexa could hear was the words Finn told her. It became really difficult for her not to reach Clarke. She told her she would wait but it didn't mean that she couldn't reach her so she wrote a letter and sent it hoping that Clarke would like it.
However, Abby's text announced something else. Clarke refused to read her letter and it hurt Lexa a little bit but that didn't discourage her. She kept sending her letters weekly and each time her letters got to their destination, Abby texted her again saying that Clarke did not open the letter.
After the first month, Lexa got used to the loneliness again to the point where she avoided meeting Anya at the Grounders for a drink. The only thing that made her feel less lonely was when she took her time and wrote Clarke. Despite knowing that Clarke is not reading her letters and that she might not read the next one, she didn't stop writing.
They were not love letters, it is true Lexa poured her heart in them but she never asked Clarke anything in them, at least nothing that may break her promise of waiting. She just kept writing things she loved remembering about their past, or just let Clarke know how her days went.
Just like usual, Lexa wakes up thinking about Clarke. The first thing she does is checking her phone and she is not surprised to find Abby's text. She knows it must be about her last letter. Even if Abby's text are mostly about Clarke refusing to read the letters, Lexa stupidly hopes that this time she is going to read that Clarke finally read them.
Abby: I doubt Clarke is willing to read your letters anytime soon. You really should think about taking another initiative if you want her to listen to you. A phone call maybe?
Lexa reads Abby's text and feels an ache in her heart, she knows Abby is right but the thing is that her letters are not love letters which request Clarke to take hard decisions or urge her to move on from what happened. They are just a mean to keep in touch with Clarke without pressuring her while waiting for her to be ready.
She decides to write another letter a last one before taking another initiative as Abby said. She will write it later as today she has a meeting with her board and she has to start her morning earlier.
After her usual routine, working out and showering she gets in her office while she is still buttoning up her shirt for a quick video call with Anya.
"Good morning" Lexa says when Anya appears on her screen sipping her coffee.
"Hey! How are you this morning?"
"Fine, you?" Anya hears Lexa's voice and can tell that she is not doing as fine as she is pretending.
"It doesn't sound convincing Lexa, what's going on?" Anya worries.
"Nothing" Lexa answers with a sad smile "Absolutely nothing that's the problem"
"Well maybe you should-" Lexa doesn't let Anya finish what she was about to suggest "How was your date?"
Anya raises her eyebrow then decides to not insist "Weird" she says before adding "Raven was with us"
"What?"
"Yeah! It feels like she is following me" Anya replies and Lexa tries hard not to laugh.
"Do you think she is spying on me?" Anya narrows her eyes.
"It won't be a surprise" Lexa comments.
"It's weird, isn't it? This is our fourth date and each time we bump into her. What's worse is that yesterday she stayed with us, the whole fucking dinner" Anya lets out frustrated.
"She did what?" Lexa asks in disbelief, it doesn't sound like Raven. She knows there must be something happening for her to act so weird but she can't possibly know, Raven and her are not in really good terms since the wedding day.
"She had dinner with us"
"At least she is talking to you" Lexa shrugs missing her best friend "How is she doing by the way?"
"Perfectly well, she ruined my date" Anya replies annoyed.
"Did you talk to her about it?"
"Not yet. I will after the meeting"
"About the meeting, are you ready? Do you have everything?" Lexa asks.
Anya rolls her eyes "Yes, I've been ready for a week now"
"Good, see you at the office then" Lexa says before ending the call.
Since the wedding day, Raven left and avoided Lexa even at work. She would do the best she can to not attend the meetings unless it is necessary. Lexa tried to talk to her but Raven didn't really gave her a chance. She was acting like a child, Lexa knew it but she couldn't blame her. She knows Raven is furiously loyal to Finn and that no matter who was to blame she will always take his side.
At Raven's apartment;
"Go! You're going to be late"
Raven rolls her eyes before taking another bite of her pancake "I'm always late, Finn".
A week after the wedding, Finn finally showed up at Raven's door. First, she was angry at him for disappearing so suddenly and not letting her know that he was ok but then she welcomed him with arms wide open.
Finn has been staying or more exactly hiding from everyone at Raven's place. Lexa doesn't know, no one knows not even Anya. He asked Raven to respect his will and let him have some peaceful time away from everyone and the drama that ensued after he left Clarke at the altar.
Even if Raven took his side, she didn't approve with Finn's behavior. Leaving Clarke at the altar, 'it is the worst thing someone would do, something you don't wish for your worst enemy' She told him. She kept pushing him to do the right thing and talk it out with Clarke. For her Lexa was guiltier than Clarke for what happened because Finn is her brother and trusted her.
Finn was not willing to admit so easily his fault even if deep down he felt some regret at over reacting and leaving Clarke alone without any explanation except for a text message.
"When are you going to finally come? It has been two months, Finn. You should be bossing us around and maybe change my hours"
"Let's be honest! Even if I do you will find a way to be late" Finn looks at Raven knowingly before adding "besides I'm not cut for it! It feels like Gustus just wanted to ruin my life"
"Don't say that. It's a good thing at least you have a choice now"
"I don't want Alex to know yet I need to understand why did my mom have this? And why Gustus hid it from me?"
"I don't know! You should take what's rightfully yours besides Lexa always wanted you to be with her. I don"t think she would mind" Raven reminds him.
"It's not about what's rightfully mine nor about Alex, it's more complicated than that. I want to have answers first"
"I think you should start with finding solutions for your real issues, Finn" Raven says.
Finn doesn't say anything, he stares thoughtful at his breakfast. He misses his sister, but is still too angry to see her. As for Clarke, his heart aches whenever he thinks about her or find a missed call from her.
At Lexa's office building; conference room;
"Finally, you're gracing us with your presence" Lexa says to Raven in a cold tone.
Raven sits in her place and doesn't say anything, she knows she is late and she shouldn't have been especially today for the important meeting. She also knows Lexa is being more than nice to her.
After an extremely tense meeting, Lexa asks Raven to follow her to her office. She wants to ask Raven about Finn knowing how close they are and that after so long she must have heard about him.
As soon as they get into her office Raven speaks "If it's about being late-" Before Raven can say anything else, Lexa interrupts her "It's about Finn"
Raven freezes looking seriously at Lexa, she doesn't want to lie to her nor to fight. She doesn't want to have anything to do with it even if she is siding with Finn just because he is Finn.
"I'd rather not" Raven replies still standing in the middle of Lexa's office.
"Please, take a seat Raven" Lexa gestures for her best friend, Raven sits and looks away not meeting Lexa's eyes.
"I just miss him, I want to know how he is doing? I know you're mad at me and not ready to listen but I am asking you about my brother and I'm pretty sure he is talking to you" Lexa explains.
"Ready to listen or not, I'm not the one you should give explanations to anyway"
"Exactly, that's why I've been looking for him" Lexa says.
"Why am I here?" Raven asks.
Lexa sighs "Because I want you to tell him that I miss him! That I'm worried about him and…that I know he hates my guts right now but we gotta talk"
Raven looks into Lexa's eyes then lets out "If you worry so much about him why did you hurt him?"
Lexa's eyes well with tears "It never was my intention Raven. If I've told him that Clarke…is the one I used to talk to him about he would have cancelled the wedding and step over his own happiness for me"
Raven looks at her best friend with a glimmer of understanding, Lexa is making sense Finn would do anything for her or anyone he cares about. He is selfless and so is Lexa.
"Still you shouldn't have lied, Lexa" Raven says "You love her" It's a statement not a question.
Lexa takes a deep breath "I tried! I really tried to ignore my feelings…That's why I told no one that she was my best friend. I tried to ignore whatever I was feeling I could have…I mean maybe! I don't know. But I'd never entertain the idea of breaking his marriage or relationship"
Raven nods "I know but still you did not do the right thing Lexa. For Finn it feels like a betrayal, he feels like you were screwing his wife or whatever"
"It's not about screwing, Raven. Clarke is-" Lexa stops abruptly afraid to say something she shouldn't.
"She is what?" Raven asks looking into Lexa's eyes.
Lexa smiles "She is special".
"Fuck, you're deep into her" Raven comments and Lexa feels her heart swelling thinking about Clarke.
"She was my first everything…love, kiss" Lexa confesses.
"What about now?" Raven asks curious.
Lexa looks at Raven not sure if she should tell her the truth or not because even if Raven is talking to her she clearly knows where she stands.
"Nothing! I love her and I shouldn't think about her because…Finn, clearly!" Lexa shrugs.
"What about when things get better between you and Finn? Would you want to be with her?"
Lexa doesn't know, the question throws her off guard. The fact that she wants to be with Clarke is undeniable but it feels terrifying to think that she might lose her brother forever. She told her she would wait, she keeps sending her letters but at the same time she doesn't want to break Finn's heart even more. She doesn't want to put Finn in the same position she has been few weeks ago, looking at the one you love in the arms of another one, a family member.
"I will always but I'd never do something that may hurt Finn, not intentionally" Lexa replies after a long moment of silence.
Raven smiles at her feeling a little bit guilty about siding with Finn and ignoring her best friend for so long "That's complicated"
"More than you can imagine" Lexa replies with a sad voice.
"I'll try and talk to him" Raven says.
"I'll wait for them…for Finn to be over her and for Clarke to be ready! It takes as long as it takes" Lexa confesses almost in a whisper.
"Why her? I mean can't you just get over her?" Raven replies.
Lexa shakes her head "Ten years haven't been enough! I told you she is special…she is the love of my life" Raven looks at her best friend and apologizes "I'm sorry for being so harsh with you but-"
"It's ok, I get it" Lexa interjects nodding "You don't need to apologize"
"Yes, I do" Raven insists "I'm sorry. It must have been hard for you to see the love of your life getting married with your brother"
Lexa's eyes fall, she looks down at her hands guiltily "I should have done or said something but I…I couldn't"
"Finn would have understood" Raven reassures her best friend.
"I don't think so" Lexa shakes her head "He loves her, he proposed to her, Raven"
"You should have gave him the choice by telling him the truth"
"It's too late now" Lexa replies "I know you won't tell me where he is so I'm asking you a favor! Tell him that we need to talk! Please?"
"Of course" Raven nods "but don't expect too much, Lexa. He's hurt"
Lexa takes a deep breath "I know"
Raven leaves Lexa in her office thoughtful and a little bit hopeful. If Raven tries hard enough she might convince Finn to stop hiding and ignoring his sister and what happened. Lexa knows it is going to be hard but it is better than to wait. She knows if they keep avoiding to talk it is only going to leave space for more resentment.
When Raven gets into her office she finds Anya waiting for her "Took you long enough"
"I was with Lexa" Raven replies smiling at her best friend.
"That's…interesting" Anya comments.
"Do you need anything, An?"
"Yes" Anya deadpans "I need you to stop whatever you're doing"
Raven frowns acting like she doesn't know what Anya is talking about "I'm doing nothing"
"Yes, you're" Anya deadpans standing up and walking into Raven's personal space "You're spying on me and my girlfriend"
"Girlfriend? Wow that escalated quickly! You guys are not compatible at all" Raven says "I saw it yesterday, you guys have nothing in common. I thought I was doing you a favor"
"It's none of your business just stay away, ok?" Anya lets out angrily.
"I can't" Raven replies hastily.
"What?" Anya looks confused at her "what do you mean you can't?"
"I can't" Raven shrugs looking into Anya's brown eyes who feels like Raven is going to be the death of her.
"Just stay away from us" Anya says firmly walking to leave but Raven stops her wrapping her fingers around her wrist "I can't because I want….I want you to give us a chance"
Anya freezes for a moment looking dumbfounded then recollects herself "Don't flatter yourself Raven! I'm over you and I don't want to ruin our friendship for a stupid crush"
"Why do you keep saying that, you don't know" Raven argues.
"Yes, I do because you're doing it out of pity"
Raven looks into Anya's eyes again, she doesn't know how to say it. She is not even sure, all she knows is that she can't bear to see Anya with another woman.
"It's not pity I can assure you that" Raven replies almost in a whisper "I don't know if it is going to work or ruin our friendship but I do know that I don't want that woman near you"
Anya is about to protest when Raven says "I don't want anyone near you, I'm jealous" She frowns feeling weird at admitting something like that to her best friend she always acts bad ass and like she is not the kind of woman who do jealous and clingy.
Anya doesn't know what to say, she wasn't expecting it not in her wildest dreams "Are you saying that-" Anya doesn't know how to ask her.
"Yes" Raven nods with a blush, she looks at Anya's lips then back to her eyes "Give me a chance! One date and if it feels weird or you don't feel comfortable, it never happened"
Anya thinks for a moment, this is all she wants but at the same time she is afraid that it may cost them their friendship.
"Please!" Raven begs with a smile.
Anya feels her heart racing sending blood to her cheeks in lieu of a voiced answer she just nods and smiles nervously at Raven. She didn't miss the way Raven is looking at her lips.
"I should go back to work" Anya says trying hard not to glance at Raven's lips maintaining eye contact with her.
"Wait!" Raven stops her again "What about your girlfriend?"
"I don't know, it depends on how our date goes" Anya replies breaking Raven's heart but the brunette doesn't show it "Of course" She smiles at her.
Raven feels a little bit happier than earlier despite the disappointing answer Anya gave and her lack of faith in them. She knows she has to put aside the awkwardness herself to convince Anya that they can be more than just best friends.
She can see herself dating her, she knows it is going to be interesting Anya is a good looking woman with a strong personality which will be a bit of a challenge for her and a wave of fresh air. All the women she dated are boring for her, the only one who was not boring broke up with her for Anya's sake.
Later that day, when Raven gets home the first thing she does is tell Finn about Anya. She wants to have his opinion on what Anya's answer was and how she can convince her.
"Just be yourself Rey" Finn smiles at her "And tell her how you feel she is your best friend"
"She is" Raven echoes.
"How was the meeting?" Finn asks her.
"Tense" She replies then adds "I talked to Lexa".
Finn keeps silent and looks away avoiding Raven's eyes but she is determined to insist today especially after the talk she had with Lexa.
"She misses you and she told me to tell you that you guys need to talk" Raven delivers.
"I'm not-" Finn shakes his head "I need to talk to Clarke first"
"Finn" Raven says in a warning tone "She thinks you hate her"
Finn glances at Raven then back at the tv "I don't"
"Well she thinks you do, I don't know what you told her that day but she is convinced that you hate her guts, her own words not mine" Raven explains but it seems like she is talking to a wall, Finn ignores her and says again "I'll talk to her once I've talked to Clarke".
At Lexa's mansion;
Lexa walks into her bedroom her brain still busy with today's events, a lot happened that required her full attention but she was not really focused, all she kept thinking about was Clarke.
The fact that Raven talked to her this time and promised to deliver her message to Finn was a step forward, or that's what Lexa hopes because it starts tiring her and she is not sure she will be able to handle things if they take more time.
As soon as she is out of shower, she checks her phone again hoping that maybe Finn or Raven would have called or texted her. She finds nothing, she stares at her phone zoning out for a brief moment before opening again Abby's text.
She is suggesting a phone call, would it be a good move? Lexa doubts it. What would she tell her? Would Clarke even pick up to her phone call? If she refuses to read her letters and lets them piling up why would she pick up to her phone call?
Lexa doesn't want to know nor try her luck, she is not sure she would like how it feels to be ignored. It already is bitter to know that Clarke is willingly choosing not to read her letters. So instead of going with Abby's suggestion, Lexa simply dresses and goes to her office.
She decides to write one last letter instead before trying something else. She has to give Clarke another chance and not pressure her.
"Dear Clarke;
This is the last letter.
When I woke up this morning, again I found a text from your mother. Nothing new, just the old negative feedback about you not reading my letter, letters.
I must say it starts taking a toll on me. I have been patient my whole life. In fact, patience is one of my virtues. Yet, when it comes to you it seems that I lose even the meaning of it. Can you blame me though? I feel like a child.
After all that we have been through in our lives, I can say now I have a chance to get you back in my life, as little as this chance can be I want to seize it. However, you are not ready 'not yet' as you said and I promised you that I would wait.
Does it mean that I can't even send you letters? I don't know. I don't want to pressure you that is why I chose snail mail. But you don't want to read me and my patience is running thin. Do I have it in me to wait additional months? I doubt it.
I have lost a lot in my life since I was a little kid, a mother, my identity, my best friend and so much more. I got over some things I have lost but not others. I learned how to shut and push people away from the best or in this case the worst, my father.
However, I don't think I am able to handle your loss, not again. I know there is hope and that maybe one day you and I can be friends again. I know I shouldn't have said 'I love you' Clarke, it was not the right time but I am not ready to give up. It takes as long it takes, I will wait but you have to give me something Clarke.
In my previous letters, all I wrote was some memories we had together and few other things I never got to tell you due to the lack of opportunities or because I was a timid little girl. I was not and I am not looking for an answer, yet. I know you are not ready for that.
But you got to give me at least a tiny bit of hope by reading my letters, it will give me the strength to wait longer. Again, this is going to be my last letter, a sort of warning. If you don't read them I will come to you and see for myself why you keep ignoring them. I just want to know, waiting here having no clue why you are stubbornly not reading any of my letters is frustrating so I am going to give you one last chance before you find me at your doorstep.
Yours truly;
Lexa"
Once Lexa finishes writing her letter for Clarke, she leaves for a walk to post it. She is going to give Clarke a week before taking matters in her own hands. On her way, she decides to have dinner which she later regrets.
Just as Lexa sits in the restaurant and orders, she notices a kid playing with his food meanwhile feeding his little sister. The sight was adorable and Lexa kept staring at them the whole time. She never got to experience something like that but the closest thing she had was her adventures with Finn.
Her heart aches when thinking about Finn, she misses him terribly but she feels like she has not the right to want him back in her life after the damage she has done to his life and the fact that now she wants to have Clarke in her life, she wants Clarke.
She decides to take an uber feeling too drained emotionally to walk back home and feeling an urgent need to check Finn's apartment. Maybe, just maybe she will find him. Unfortunately, Finn is not there. The lights of his apartment are all off, she kept knocking but to no avail, the only thing she has left to do is hope that Raven gets somewhere with him and convince him.
Few days later; France;
Griffin's household;
Clarke wakes up feeling a little bit tired, she did not have a peaceful night. In fact, she barely closed her eyes since she received another letter from Lexa who reads on the envelope 'Read me'. It is the first time Lexa does it in seven letters.
She purposely hid it from her mother and didn't let her know that she got another letter from Lexa because she knows Abby will pressure her again to read them. She knows her mother is in touch with Lexa. Somehow she feels jealous because she wants to be able to talk to Lexa without the drama and guilt behind it and that is why she doesn't like hearing her mother tell her about Lexa.
She spent her night just like the one after receiving Lexa's first letter, sleepless and confused.
First, she thought it is just a ruse to make her read the letter but then she dismissed the thought knowing that Lexa is not the kind of person who does that. Then, she told herself if Lexa has something really important or urgent, she would have just called or texted her mother Abby.
Despite the conclusions she came to, the first thing Clarke looks at after opening her eyes is the letter which is sitting on her desk facing her bed. She feels like it has its own eyes and is staring back at her.
Clarke pushes her legs off the bed and walks sleepily to her desk and hides the letter with the six others. She will think about what to do with it or them once she has her morning coffee shot. Maybe she will give it to Abby to read and if it has something really urgent she would read it too if not, she won't. She will wait and read all the letters in order starting from the first one and maybe write her back for real this time and post it.
As she is sipping her coffee in front of the tv, she hears a firm knock on the door. She frowns not knowing who could it be at this early hour of the day? It can't be her mother, she has her own keys. It can't be the neighbors because since she is back, she didn't really reconnect with her old friends and neighbors in addition her mother is most of the time at work and has no time to befriend nor invite the neighbors.
Clarke puts her mug on the coffee table and walks to the door just as she is about to open the knocking gets louder. She opens the door and freezes at the sight of Finn standing right in front of her. She blinks for a moment but he doesn't disappear she is not hallucinating. Finn is real and he is standing at her door.
He lost some weight, he doesn't have the full cheeks and his hair is shorter. He is more like the Finn she first met minus the dark circles around his eyes and the beard. His eyes are not as shiny as she knows them and his face is blank. He looks tired probably from the flight Clarke thinks.
She doesn't know how to react too many things and thoughts cross her mind at once and it is too crowded to make sense. She takes a step back and gestures for him to get in. Finn gets in, his eyes roam quickly the house. He had never been there and he feels his heart aching, it has something irrefutably Clarke. It has something that reminds him of his apartment that became their place.
Clarke feels her heart aching, she missed Finn but at the same time she feels betrayed. He left her at the altar instead of talking to her, instead of picking up to her calls and talking to her. And now, he is standing in her home her shelter her cocoon.
Clarke feels her tears creeping over the edge of her blue eyes and a knot forming in her throat. She gulps looking away trying to get herself together without meeting his eyes. She could see the fire in his eyes along with something else, something sadder and darker the second the door opened to him.
The air is thick and heavy between them and none of them dares to speak yet. Clarke walks back into the living-room followed by Finn. She sits on the couch and looks blankly at the tv, after a moment she feels the couch dip beside her.
She doesn't have it in her to look at him, she feels too many things at the same time and she is barely able to breathe. The rummaging of her beating heart along with the ache in it is making it difficult for her to focus on her breathing.
"You left me" Clarke whispers with a trembling voice, it comes out as an accusation and Finn feels it. He shuts his eyes close trying hard to focus on anything else than Clarke's light sniffles, it feels like daggers into his heart.
Clarke hears a murmur a 'sorry' but she is not quite sure Finn spoke, she can't see him, she is facing the tv in front of her and her sight is blurred by her tears. She doesn't care now is not the time for apologies and besides they make no sense. Finn left her at the altar, it was his decision which means it was intentional. One doesn't apologize for intentional decisions.
"You cheated on me with my sister" Finn says and this time it is loud enough for Clarke to hear. It hits Clarke hard "I didn't" She spits out angrily without meeting his eyes.
"Yes, you did" Finn insists and Clarke feels her blood boiling.
"You did, both physically and emotionally. You did. You lied to me, Clarke. You kissed her, or fucked or whatever the hell happened that night. I was about to marry you and you lied to me" Finn says in one breath.
Clarke finally finds it in her to look at him she wipes the tears that just roll down her cheeks "I called you, I wanted to tell you everything and figure out the hell I needed to do but you didn't answer instead you left me at the altar, Finn. You left me at the fucking altar"
Clarke's voice is definitely a pitch higher and Finn is surprised he never heard Clarke's voice like that.
"Why are you here? I called you so we can talk but you kept ignoring my calls. Why now?" Clarke asks looking angrily at him even if deep down she misses him.
"I…I couldn't" Finn shakes his head "I didn't know what to say if I ever picked up your calls. I was angry"
"What about me? What about your future wife, your friend, your fiancé?"
"I don't know what to say" Finn confesses.
"We could have talked, you could have asked me what is going on between me and Lexa?"
"I didn't need to ask you, it was pretty clear the bruise on your lip" Finn deadpans angrily.
Clarke shifts on the couch so she is facing him now "I was drunk Finn, it is just a kiss a damn drunken kiss"
"It was more than that, Clarke" Finn replies knowingly "you love her, she loves you more than anything in the world"
Finn's words hit Clarke hard and a wave of guilt paints her face when she hears Finn ask her "Do you love me?"
Clarke's lips part then close, a silence settles and Finn feels his heart aching.
"See" He lets out with a sarcastic laugh.
"Yes, I do but-"Clarke doesn't know what to say and Finn finishes for her "but you love her more"
Clarke doesn't agree nor disagree instead she focuses on them "I love you Finn, I do but not the way I am supposed to. You were my rock and you saved me from my loneliness. We were there alone and we only had one another. We were each other's solace that's all"
Clarke sees a flash of hurt in Finn's eyes "So that's what I am to you? Just a solace?" His eyes well in tears.
"Look at me, Finn" Clarke says trying to get him to look at her "Do you love me?"
"I do. I love you Clarke" Finn replies with a broken voice.
"Do you love me the way you loved or hell you love Raven?" She asks again.
His eyes widen, he opens his mouth then closes it before finally answering "It is not the same Clarke! We were young and passionate. You can't compare such love to a mature one, a real one that I have for you Clarke" He says in a begging tone.
"Exactly Finn, a real love should be young, wild and passionate not routine sex and friendly kisses" She lets out knowing that the words are going to hurt but she needs him to understand.
"Friendly kisses? Is this how you kiss me?" Finn lets out angrily, she can't help herself thinking about the kisses she shared with Lexa! They felt different from the ones Finn gives her.
"It is not like that, Finn" She replies tears flowing on her cheeks "It is not as passionate as it should be" She shakes her head "This is not love, not what real love feels like" She adds in a knowing tone.
"How the fuck do you know?" He asks harshly then stares at her because she never spoke about real love then he realizes that Clarke is talking from experience and it might be his sister Clarke is thinking about.
"Is it Alex?" Finn asks feeling his heart bleeding "your real love?"
Clarke doesn't know what to say she knows she loved Lexa when they were young she knows it was love. She had hard time getting over her. But she doesn't know what she is feeling now, are her feelings for Lexa love? Real love? Or just attraction enhanced with the desire to have the closure she never had?
It is definitely love, it feels a lot like it. Clarke knew it but this time around her love for Lexa is different, it is fiercer. She wants her, she blames her, and she needs her.
She suddenly realizes how bad she misses her, talking and thinking about her made her heart beat so hard but it is still confusing. Her brain can't decide if it is real love or hear what her heart is saying but she can't hear it because Finn is here in front of her his eyes filled with unshed tears waiting for her to give him something, something she can't give.
Something she gave Lexa long ago and never got it back, her love, her heart, and her dedication.
"I need to go" Finn says her silence is an answer and he can't handle it. He needs some space, he needs to be anywhere but in this living-room intoxicated with the familiar scent of Clarke.
Clarke wants to apologize but then refrains, it will only make things worse. She is guilty of loving Lexa but she is not ready to apologize for it.
"Will I see you again?" Clarke asks afraid that he might disappear again and ignore her phone calls "because we still need to talk"
Finn doesn't find the energy in him to reply he just nods and leaves without sparing Clarke a second look.
Clarke doesn't blame him, their talk was pretty emotional and draining but it was what they both needed. A part of it was not welcomed especially because it hurt one of them and the other part was necessary it helped them realize how they feel. It needed to be done even if Clarke kept on avoiding any contact.
Although, Finn didn't show it nor acknowledge it to himself, Clarke was right. The love he has for her is different from the one he had and has for Raven. He walks back to his hotel room thinking about her words.
He never thought about it before Clarke pointed it, he feels stupid at not realizing it sooner and spare both of them the heartache and bitter feelings of drama.
Clarke spends the rest of her day thinking about Finn, hoping that he won't disappear once again.
Woods Corp office building; Anya's office;
It has been few days since Anya and Raven's talk but neither of them asked the other on a date and it was getting on Raven's nerves especially today. When she was walking back from her lunch break she saw Anya's girlfriend waiting at the entrance of the building.
Before going out for lunch, Raven waited for Anya but she told her that she has work to do and now Raven is walking furiously with a bag of Chinese food in hand, from Anya's favorite place. She brought herself and Anya lunch so they can have a moment together and maybe this time she would have the chance to ask her on a date but now her girlfriend is waiting outside for her which means it is not going to happen.
Anya is standing in front of her desk, putting some paperwork in a safe place getting ready to leave when Raven walks in. She doesn't need to look at her to know it is Raven. She is the only one who gets into her office without knocking.
"I've to leave, Raven. Whatever you have to say it can-" Anya doesn't have the time to finish when Raven puts the food bag harshly on her desk.
"Enjoy you lunch break with your fucking girlfriend" Raven lets out angrily before turning back and leaving.
"Fuck" Anya breathes out. She looks at the bag and realizes what Raven had in mind. She takes the bag and follows Raven into her office.
"Raven, I'm sorry" Anya apologizes.
"You could have just said that you have a date or whatever" Raven says not meeting Anya's eyes.
"I didn't know she just texted me that she is in the neighborhood and-"
"So she is good enough for you to leave work and have lunch with her but not me?" Raven lets out.
"No, it is not like that" Anya shakes her head walking close to Raven standing inches away from her.
"Then what?" Raven deadpans.
"I don't know! You didn't ask me on a date…I'm just waiting...I thought I was clear about her" Anya tries to explain.
"I didn't ask because you didn't give me the chance. I've been trying but each time you leave or get distracted by something else" Raven says "I was about to ask you just now"
Anya's eyes widen she didn't notice it but indeed the last few days each time Raven tried to talk to her something came up "I'm sorry I didn't-"
"It's ok" Raven interrupts her "Just go, she is waiting for you"
Anya hesitates for a moment then says "Have dinner with me tonight, at my place"
Raven looks at Anya for a moment then shakes her head "No, I want to take you out. I've one shot and I want to get it right" She says looking into Anya's eyes.
"You will have it, tonight I'm inviting you" Anya replies and doesn't miss the Raven's eyes on her lips.
"I'd love that" Raven lets out softly.
"See you tonight then!" Anya says finally walking out of Raven's personal space.
"Tonight" Raven whispers between her lips looking at Anya leaving then she can't stop herself "Anya wait!"
Anya stops and just as she is about to turn back and see what she wants, she feels Raven's hand around her wrist pulling her back and her lips pressed against her own. The kiss is unexpected, short but long enough for Anya to taste Raven's lips.
Just as she is about to change the angle and reciprocate, Raven pulls back her eyes moving from Anya's lips to her eyes "I told you I don't want her near you but if I have to tolerate her, at least make it a fair play" Raven wants Anya to think about her while she is with her girlfriend. She wanted to kiss her since she started thinking about her as more than just a best friend but she didn't want to rush things. She wanted their first kiss together to be special but it is harder each day especially with this new feeling tugging at her heart, jealousy.
Anya is speechless she wasn't expecting Raven to kiss her, she knows they talked about dating but she didn't know that Raven wanted to kiss her she thought they would have one date or two and realize that they are not really into each other.
She is speechless because she knows from the beginning that it was not fair, not at all. The woman she is dating is just nice and easy to be with her whereas Raven is Raven. She is her best friend, she is her first girl crush, she loves and cares for her and now she kissed her making Anya's knees go weak.
"You just made it unfair" Anya comments looking at Raven's lips wanting to feel them again. She didn't have enough, it was too short and it took her by surprise and it ended just as she was about to deepen it.
Raven doesn't know that Anya didn't have a first kiss from a woman she thought Anya and that woman would have probably kissed already. They would have if Raven herself didn't interrupt almost each of their dates and ruined it.
She frowns looking into Anya's eyes and before she can ask her Anya confesses "We didn't kiss" She shakes her head and Raven feels her heart swelling with joy.
"Good" She smiles looking back and forth between Anya's eyes and her lips asking her for permission and Anya feels like her heart is going to explode in her chest. She is the one to claim Raven's lips this time, she doesn't need permission.
The kiss is deeper this time, Anya cups Raven's face bringing her closer and too soon she feels Raven pulling back before taking control of the pace, she traces her tongue on Anya's lip asking for entrance which Anya gladly gives.
At the taste of each other's tongues both moan and things get heated. They forget about their surrounding and the fact that everyone can see them until they hear someone clearing his throat.
"Anya! Your girlfriend is waiting for you" Jasper says with a smirk.
Anya pushes Raven and steps back from her and feels a blush creep over her cheeks "Thank you, Jasper".
"Eight! Don't be late" Anya looks back at Raven and says before leaving.
Raven nods feeling something familiar yet she can't put a word on it as it has been so long the last time she felt it. She sits on her office with a big smile, it is going to be easier than she thought.
For her now, after their kiss, there is no doubt that they can be together without it being awkward. She wanted to devour Anya's lips more than anything and she felt the way Anya was kissing her back. It is unquestionable, the sexual tension is there.
Two days later; France;
Clarke was more than happy when Finn showed again at her doorstep. However things re awkward because this time Abby is home and she is really not happy to see him. After Finn's first visit Clarke told her everything, she knew the man was hurting too but she couldn't forgive him leaving her daughter at the altar without talking to her.
So the first part of the day was mainly tense, Abby lectured Finn for his stupidity and told him that he shouldn't have left. That he should have talked to Clarke and Lexa to try and figure things out before leaving. She understood that he was hurt and needed to get away but she explained to him that he should have talked things out with them first before disappearing.
Then, when it was time for Abby to leave she looked at him seriously "I'm leaving now but if you ever hurt my baby girl again or just disappear like that I will find you wherever you are"
"Ok madam" Finn seriously.
Clarke feels a little bit embarrassed with the situation, she gives Finn a nervous smile "I'm sorry you had to have the Abby warning"
Finn chuckles feeling considerably lighter now that Abby left "It's ok, I deserved worse"
Clarke feels a little bit uncomfortable, she hurt Finn as well. He may had been the one leaving her at the altar but she did worse. She lied to him, she kissed not once but twice his sister, and she would have called off the wedding after talking to him probably.
After Finn left the other day, Clarke had time to think over and over again about what happened to them. For the first time in two months she was able to think clearly because when she came back home she couldn't find it in her to reexamine the situation especially when having no contact at all with both parts.
"We should stop apologizing, Finn. We both did things we regret and maybe it was for the best" Clarke says feeling guilty.
Finn sighs "Yeah, what if we got married and then I learned about you two together"
"We were not and we're not together Finn" Clarke shakes her head it is true her and Lexa might have something going on between them but they are not together. She is not even talking to her.
"Aren't you guys talking?" Clarke asks. Finn knows if he tells her that they haven't talked since the night before the wedding she would try and convince him to talk to her again just like everyone has been trying. Instead he asks her back "Are you?"
Clarke looks at him for few seconds before answering "No" She doesn't want him to know about the letters. She didn't even open them so it is like she didn't receive them, she didn't talked to Lexa for more than two months now. She remembers the last letter and that she didn't gave it to her mother. She got distracted by Finn's arrival and their talk.
Finn frowns he doesn't understand why they are not together already. Of course he doesn't want them to be together but he expected his sister to reach for Clarke because he knows how deep she is in love with her.
Talking about the two of them made Finn think, Abby told him that they were childhood best friends but that's all he knows so he asks Clarke to tell him everything about how they met and how were they able to hide things from him when he introduced them.
Clarke spent the afternoon telling Finn everything he wanted to know. She even brought some pictures of them in Christmas and together. He smiles even if deep down he was still feeling betrayed and played.
"So, Alex is the one who wanted you to lie with her!" Finn thinks out loud making Clarke uncomfortable.
"She did it to protect you, Finn" Clarke excuses Lexa's decision.
"It doesn't change the fact that it is a lie" Finn comments looking at her.
Clarke rubs her forehead "I know but I'm sure she regrets it as much as I do"
Finn doesn't miss the way Clarke is defending her acts. He talked to Lexa and he knows that she loves her, she admitted it but Clarke did not. He looks at her straight in the eyes and asks "Do you love her?"
The question takes Clarke by surprise. How is she going to answer it without hurting Finn or lying both to him and to herself? So instead of answering his question with one word she chooses to tell him about their past.
"Lexa and I were not just friends, best friends. When I was sixteen and before my dad died she came to look for me during summer and we spent almost a month together as girlfriends. It was the happiest summer of my life and the saddest. I had everything a sixteen years old me wished for.
I had my best friend back in my life, she found me and I had my whole family and my friends around me and in few days everything turned to hell. She left me one morning and weeks later my father got diagnosed a cancer" Finn could hear Clarke's voice starts trembling.
She stops for a minute to recollect herself, and continues "We were best friends yes but we were more than that. She was my first love, my first kiss and my first time and I was hers too. I'm sure you can understand how strongly our relationship was, you had probably the same with Raven. Even if we didn't date for long, the days we spent together were intense. It didn't matter that we had only a few days because we knew that we've been in love with each other since we were kids"
Finn greets his teeth, it hurts to hear Clarke talk with so much joy on her face and love in her voice about her past with Lexa because even if he knows that their love is not as strong as the one she has with Lexa, he still loves her and the wound is still fresh.
"You do love her then!" Finn concludes.
"I don't know the answer for sure, Finn. Not yet, I'm still processing what happened between us" She gestures between the two of them.
Finn forces a smile at her knowing that she is trying to not hurt his feelings, he leans closer to her and hugs her. Clarke stiffens in his arms but quickly melts in his familiar embrace. It's a friendly hug even if it lasts longer than it should but Finn feels comfortable enough to do it.
He knows Clarke needs it and despite the fact that she broke his heart he couldn't hate her and he couldn't see her on verge of tears without consoling her. In addition, he wanted to communicate his apology she refused to hear the other day for leaving her at the altar.
After talking about her father and Lexa who both of them she misses, Finn's hug is more than welcomed.
Finn could hear Clarke talking but it was stifled by his chest, he pulls back and looks at her.
"Now what? Are you going to disappear again?" Clarke asks him.
"No" He shakes his head "now we eat" He flashes her a smile to lighten the mood.
"Ok, give me ten minutes to get ready" Clarke smiles back at him. She rushes to her bedroom to get ready relieved that finally things are going to be better.
When Clarke finishes dressing, she goes back with a wide smile on her face "Let's go" She takes her keys and purse and walks out of with Finn both wearing a smile on their faces.
After Clarke closes the door, Clarke hooks her arms around Finn's then her smile falls "Lexa!" She lets out shocked.
"Finn?" Lexa breathes out, eyes filled with pain.