Mulch

"Another criminal turned do-gooder."

Breathing hard, Mulch Diggums ducked behind the large dumpster. This little sprite was fast and dwarf legs aren't meant for running.

It was late afternoon when Mulch had received an anonymous tip that the infamous graffiti artist 'Poison Ivy' had been spotted defacing a nearby alleyway. Normally, Mulch would have passed the case over -it was probably just a local teenager acting out- but if he didn't get some cash soon, he would lose his and Holly's office.

With shaking hands, Mulch pulled the crumpled picture from his vest pocket and studied it. The shot was taken from a security camera and was fuzzy to say the least. In it, a young female sprite could be seen holding a can of spray paint and a scribbled message was still drying on the wall beside her. 'Poison Ivy' was well known by the LEP as well as the Haven population. Barely a day went by that she didn't cover the front of some building with a crude message and incite the ire of the locals. For just a troublesome punk, there was quite a large reward for her capture, even if all the punishment she would receive is community service.

Thanks to the tip, Mulch had been able to get ahead of the sprite and was now waiting for the young girl to cross his path. His tipper had said that Ivy would come down this alley to hide her paint supplies in the same unused dumpster Mulch was now hiding behind. It was a simple plan. The sprite would come running down the alley and all Mulch would have to do was catch her in his mouth from below. Fool proof.

Moving quickly, Mulch removed a large ice pick from his belt. He would have to remove some concrete before he could dig. The concrete wasn't thick, but could still be fatal to the dwarf.

Mulch's eyes scanned the ground, searching for a crack in the worn alley road. Finally, he spotted one directly before the dumpster and drove the pick into the ground with as much force as his tired muscles could muster. Several other cracks formed and Mulch bent to the ground, hauling chunks of concrete out of the way. Underneath he could smell rich earth. The hole would be quite conspicuous and he just hoped that Poison Ivy wouldn't notice it until it was too late.

Hearing light footsteps approaching from around the corner, Mulch moved the last piece of concrete aside, unhinged his jaw, and dolphin-dived into the dirt. As swiftly as he could, Mulch dug down as deep as he was tall, and performed a maneuver called commonly a 'U-turn', flipping himself right-side up again. Now he was prepared for the sprite's arrival, like a trapdoor spider waiting for its prey, except far less deadly.

The footsteps approached faster now and Mulch could hear the clink of the aerosol cans in the sprite's arms. Just a few more feet…

Mulch saw the girl's foot hover above the hole and prepared to blast himself upwards. Unfortunately, thanks to the hard-packed qualities of the dirt, Mulch had little air to spare, and not nearly enough to lift his body from the hole.

In the time it took Mulch to realize this snag in his plan, Poison Ivy discovered the hole she had almost stepped in. With a shriek, she looked at the gaping maw that was Mulch's mouth, neatly dropped her collection of spray cans 'down the hatch' and took off into the air, her dragonfly-like wings buzzing.

Mulch gagged and slowly climbed out of his hole, spitting crumpled cans on the ground. Damn sprite. Already he knew she would be too far away to catch. Flying within the city was prohibited, but that didn't seem to bother this 'Poison Ivy' in the least.

Not for the first time in these past 5 months, Mulch wished Holly was still there. Even without her LEP privileges and trusty Neutrino, the elf had been irreplaceable. Not only was she fast but she also packed a mean punch. Working without her had been nearly impossible and had left the 'Diggums & Short Private Investigators' with very little money and fewer clients.

With an exasperated sigh, Mulch filled in the hole he had made and replaced the chunks of concrete. He knew he desperately needed the reward for 'Poison Ivy', but also knew it was pointless continuing when he was this tired and this…hungry?

With a terrific growl, Mulch's stomach alerted him of its plight and Mulch nodded. He could do with an early breakfast or two.

It was late afternoon, above ground time, so most of Haven was still asleep. Still, there were a couple of all-night curry bars still open for business and it didn't take long for Mulch to find one, its green neon sign buzzing loudly.

The restaurant was quite run-down and quiet. Besides Mulch, only a half-asleep waiter could be seen, blearily wiping down tables with a greasy cloth. Mulch swung into a booth and picked up a menu. Needless to say, there wasn't much variety.

Mulch was just about to order his breakfast, when the door of the curry bar swung open and banged loudly against the adjacent wall. Mulch turned around to look at the newcomer.

With a grin and a swagger that suggested he actually owned the curry bar (which he did, in part) Doodah Day walked in and trailing behind him, connected by a pair of handcuffs was…

"The infamous 'Poison Ivy'!" Doodah proclaimed, pulling the girl inside. The sprite glared at the pixie and attempted to kick him in the back of the legs. Doodah was too quick for the girl though, and jumped aside with barely a glace back. "Feisty one isn't she?"

Mulch watched with wide eyes as one fugitive lead another to the counter and sat down. What was Doodah playing at?

"Thanks for that tip earlier Ted," Doodah said to the waiter, "Catching her was a piece of cake, if I do say so myself. Flew right into my apartment window, without even looking. Like a little bird."

Slowly Mulch stood up as he began to realize what had transpired. This waiter must have been the anonymous tipper and now Doodah was going to take credit for his (almost) arrest!

"Doodah Day!"

Doodah whirled around on his spinning stool, in the process, pulling the unsuspecting Ivy to the ground. "Diggums! What do you want?"

Mulch strode over to the girl and hefted her to her feet, holding her by the shoulder, "What do I want? I want to know why you're stealing my business! 'Poison Ivy' was supposed to be my bounty!"

"No way! Ted here gave me the tip and I caught her, fair and square!"

"He gave me the tip first!" Mulch growled and both fairies turned to glare at Ted the waiter. Mysteriously, though, the sleepy waiter had seemed to disappear, fearing the wrath of both Mulch and Doodah.

"Besides," Mulch continued, "You didn't even go looking for her. You just sat at home on your ass until she just happened to fly into your apartment! It was just dumb luck!"

"Maybe," Doodah said in a sing-song voice, "Or maybe not."

"D'Arvit, Day! I'm the one with the P.I. business already! I need this reward to pay the rent!"

Doodah's ears seemed to perk at this tidbit of information and he raised his eyebrows in suspicion, "Pay the rent? Business not going too hot there Mulchie?"

Mulch gritted his teeth. He had said too much, "Maybe, or maybe not."

"Well, considering the kind of criminals you're after, "he looked pointedly at Ivy, "I'd say you're getting pretty desperate there."

"It's because Holly's gone!" Mulch blurted and Doodah's childlike face suddenly filled with mock-sadness.

"Ah, poor Mulchie. Can't work without his precious Holly."

Silently fuming, Mulch turned to leave the restaurant when suddenly Doodah said,

"Hey Mulch. Do you mind if I start my own detective agency? I think I'd be pretty good at it."

Mulch whipped around, ready to reply angrily, when just then, an idea occurred to him. Even if he was a criminal, Doodah Day was very good at this work, and had multiple useful talents. He was quick like Holly, and could drive any type of vehicle available. Plus, he seemed to have an uncanny amount of good luck. Maybe this skinny little pixie could even save the business!

"Mr. Day," Mulch said slowly, crossing him arms and walking towards the sprite, "Could I perhaps offer you a position at 'Diggums & Short' instead?"

Doodah laughed loud and long at this comment, nearly falling off his stool, "Me? Come work for you? Did you eat some bad dirt or something Mulch? I think it's pretty clear we hate each other."

"You wouldn't have to be my friend Day, just my partner. We could split everything 50/50. Right down the middle," Mulch said enticingly.

For a moment, Doodah considered the idea, "Well, 'Diggums & Day' does sound a whole lot better than 'Diggums and Short.'"

"Come on," Mulch said, "When was the last time you had a legitimate job? Take a break from crime for a bit and join me."

Doodah thought some more. Back in the agency's hey days Mulch and Holly had been making quite a lot of gold each and had been popular with the general public. Perhaps he did need a new job…

"Okay Diggums. I'll do it, but only for a year, max. I've got bigger fish to fry than you, and they can't wait too long."

Mulch smiled, showing all of his teeth, "I knew you'd come to my side Day."

"Yeah, sure. When do I start?"

Mulch put an arm around Doodah which was quickly shrugged off, "Well, we've got to bring Ivy in don't we?"

Doodah nodded and turned to scowl at the young criminal, but was shocked to see an empty handcuff dangling from his own wrist. "Where'd she go?"

Mulch looked to the curry bar's doors and saw them swinging gently back and forth, as though a light breeze had just passed through, or perhaps, a young female sprite.

"Come on," Mulch said and grabbed Doodah's arm pulling him along "Looks like your first shift starts right now!"

****

A/N: This is sort of a bonus chapter, since it will be the only one starring Mulch. I can't believe I've forgotten him thus far! Once again, thanks to everyone who has stuck with me and reviewed so often. Next time on WYWO: Butler gets a visitor at his new home.