Dean has been awfully silent since they left Jodie's, and Sam is wondering if it was a good idea to ask him about what he said to that vampire.

When Dean's hands are clenched around the wheel to the point his knuckles are white, it means don't talk, don't cough, don't look at him too long. Especially when there's no music. It's going to be a long drive.

In these moments, Dean looks like John. They have the same "don't piss me off" expression, and Sam remembers it used to scare them a lot when they were little, and it was even worse when Dean was old enough to sit in the front. How many times did Sam see his father slap the back of Dean's head because he was talking to him...too many. And Dean still found the strength to smile to him in the rearview. Sam sighs.

"What?" says Dean.

And here we are, thinks Sam.

"Nothing" he replies turning to the window. If Dean doesn't want to start a fight he's going to back off. Sam can feel almost physically the electricity filling the car. But nothing happens. After a few awkward minutes, Sam sits more comfortably and stretches out his right leg, putting his foot on the windshield.

"Don't do that"

Dean grabs his ankle and puts Sam's leg back into place. Sam tries to hide his smile, he knows where this is going.

"Why?"

Dean starts to look annoyed

"You know why! I told you a million times! It's dangerous, Sammy. If we had an accident..."

"I could say goodbye to my leg and start a new career as a pirate"

Sam and Dean stare at each other for a second and then both laugh like children. That was indeed something Dean used to tell Sam since he was old enough to sit next to him on the passenger's seat. Sam usually answered "Ahrr!" or "Ahoy Captain!" before putting his leg down. He hasn't told that to him in maybe fifteen years.

Dean catches his breath and says

"I was just gonna say you could be badly hurt but god that brings me back!"

He smiles, still laughing a little, and Sam can't stop staring at him. He's always loved his beautiful, carefree smile. The one he makes when he's really happy. Now he's older, it creates adorable wrinkles around his eyes, he still has his cute little dimples and his even cuter constellation of freckles and oh god, Sam wishes he could just ask him to stop the car so he can eat him alive.

Dean is right, he is greedy. But he can't do that just yet, even if the sun is setting, he needs an explanation for what happened earlier, and now the mood is lightened it's going to be easier to talk when they get back to the bunker. Or maybe once they're alone, Sam is going to have a real hard time being a responsible adult. It's like he's twenty-two again. A lovestruck fool. He never really controlled anything in their relationship, and if he did in the beginning, it was because Dean was restraining himself. Like when they made love for the first time. Dean wanted Sam to be rough with him but he was the complete opposite, careful, gentle, almost too gentle. Sam wanted to feel Dean's strength, he wanted to be subdued, even if he had a hard time admitting it, it was an old teenage fantasy. And there were others, lots of others. Like the one involving the Impala's trunk. Oh god.

Sam can't control himself, his hunger, his urges. He's not violent but he's bold, and he can't wait, anticipation makes him crazy when Dean... Dean has an impressive ability to contain himself, even when it comes to them.

That's how he was able to act perfectly normal the morning after their first time. Rational. Saying they should train to keep acting brotherly during the day so their relationship couldn't be used as a liability. He was right, of course he was, but Sam couldn't hide his frustration and went straight to the bathroom to calm down. He couldn't face him just yet, with his straight face, reading the paper like nothing had happened, when he was boiling, boiling! He went inside the shower, and five minutes later, he heard the door open.

"Sam?" said Dean, with a smile in his voice, "Sam, you mad?"

Sam thought "you jerk", bit his lip to prevent himself from talking, breathed in, and finally said "No, m'fine", with a, let's be honest, a very sulky tone.

Dean laughed. Of course he did.

"Listen Sammy, you know I'm right, don't you?"

Sam took ten seconds and then muttered "yeah I know".

Dean sighed.

"I know what you're thinking and you're wrong"

Sam turned off the shower.

"What am I thinking?"

He grabbed a towel and got out. He saw Dean, his back leaned on the bathroom's wall with a hint of interest in his eyes. Dean smirked and said

"You know."

Sam walked to him, his towel wrapped around his waist, but not concealing the obvious, until he was a little too close.

"Tell me."

Dean rolled his eyes, and gently pushed him away.

"Sam... Don't."

"Don't what!"

"Don't do that."

Sam sat on the toilet seat and certainly made his "sad puppy" face because Dean walked back to him, crouched and said

"Come on... I don't regret it, there, you're happy?"

Sam mumbled

"You don't?" almost adding a "you promise?" but stopping himself before sounding very immature.

Dean smiled, brushed Sam's face with his fingers and whispered

"I don't."

And he kissed him gently. Of course then Sam grabbed him and fell upon him, deepening the kiss and trying to get his shirt off, while he was throwing his bath towel away. But surprisingly, Dean flipped him over and forcibly maintained him on the ground. It felt strangely exciting

"Listen", said Dean with something feral in his eyes, and a little hungry half smile, "you should get a hold on yourself Sammy, you're way too greedy", he smiled more. Sam tried to move, but he couldn't, so he smiled right back at Dean and replied

"Is that troubling you?" while pushing his hips upwards.

Dean bent over him until his lips were an inch away from Sam's and said

"I don't think I'm the one who's troubled right now."

"Jerk." responded Sam, looking daring.

"Bitch", added Dean, knowing his line.

"Yours" concluded Sam, and Dean smiled, but still got up and left the room, leaving Sam burning with frustration. It was the first time he understood he wouldn't be that much in control of anything anymore.

The second time was one of his favorite intimate memories, and since he has to pass the time until they arrive to the bunker, he may as well think about it again, even if it means they will definitely not have any kind of articulate conversation later.

It was after Sam had killed Gordon. They were getting closer and closer to the end of the deal, and Sam was getting increasingly worried about it, since they hadn't found any solution yet. Dean was acting way too carelessly, he even wanted to kill the crazy now vampire hunter on his own. He was obviously scared, but as usual, he was hiding it behind stupid punchlines and a kamikaze attitude. In the end, Sam made him drop the act, and he was the one to decapitate that nutjob.

Later, Dean showed him how to fix his car, and Sam knew it was a very Dean way to admit he was scared he was going to die.

So when they arrived to the night's motel, Sam barely let him the time to close the room's door before kissing him. Dean pushed him and said

"Sammy..."

Sam looked at him, right in the eye and claimed

"You're not going to die"

Dean combed Sam's hair back and began to run his fingers through it

"Baby... Maybe we should..."

"No. No. I forbid you."

He started to feel tears coming to his eyes and he was mad at himself for being such a wimp. He wasn't the one who was gonna go to Hell, damn it!

Dean hugged him and just said "Ok.", before kissing him gently and starting to unpack.

They had a light dinner, and they spent quite a lot of time patching their wounds up, especially Dean who had been bitten by crazy Gordon. Sam couldn't help kissing his nape, brushing his back with his fingers... He was filled with anxiety, with the fear of loosing Dean, of letting him down. And Dean was terribly silent. Then they both went to sleep in their own bed, afraid of hurting each other if they slept together.

It was only around 2 or 3 in the morning that Sam was awaken by Dean asking if he was sleeping.

"Not anymore love...you ok?"

Dean was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah...I just wanted...to ask you something..."

"Ok, I'm listening."

"What will you do if I... if I die?"

Sam sat and pleaded

"Dean..."

Dean didn't move

"Please... I need to know."

"You won't die. I forbid it."

Dean looked at him, with shiny eyes and a sad smile.

"Baby..."

Sam sighed, got up and sat on Dean's bed.

"If you die", his voice trembled, "I will make you come back. Whatever the cost. I will."

Dean rose and kissed him

"If it's the moment when you tell me to have an apple-pie life and to forget about you then you can go f..."

"I love you."

Sam froze. Dean closed his eyes and continued.

"I love you so much, I don't even know... I..." he kissed him again. "It freaks me out Sammy."

"Why?" said Sam, caressing the corner of Dean's eye until he opened it, "Why, Dean?"

"Because... I know I shouldn't...prevent you from having a normal life...a future...and in the meantime..."

"What"

"I want you right here. With me. Always."

Sam hugged him.

"That's what I want too Dean. Why is it so difficult for you to understand?"

He felt Dean's arms embracing him tight, and he kissed the base of his neck.

"I just want you to be happy", said Dean.

Sam backed off a little and looked at his brother

"You think I can't be happy with you?"

Dean sighed.

"Sammy... I...What we do..."

"Dean, I love what we do. I think I showed you, and repeatedly" said Sam, trying to make him smile.

Dean smiled a little but added

"You don't know what... sometimes... I want to do things... I did things and... You wouldn't...shit..." apparently he had a lot of trouble explaining what he meant but Sam got it

"I know you're restraining yourself." he said "I know you're letting me make the first move because you're still afraid you forced this on me."

Dean looked at him, visibly amazed at Sam's ability to translate his internal turmoil into something understandable.

"Love, you didn't. And I want you to be...you. With me. I want you to do...what you want to do."

Dean said

"You don't know..."

Sam cut

"What? Let me make it easier for you. You know what I want to do? I want you to fuck me on the Impala's hood. I've been dreaming about it for years. There, you got it. I have a filthy mind."

Dean laughed whole-heartedly, and looked at Sam with mischief.

"Oh God Sammy..."

He kissed him and said

"Thanks."

Sam smiled

"You're welcome. And stop torturing yourself ok? I love you, I trust you and there's nothing, you hear me, nothing you could do to me do that would ever scare me or push me away, ok? You're stuck with me."

Back then he didn't know how wrong this assumption would prove to be.

He went back to his bed and added

"Now get some sleep, I think Gordy hurt you enough without you adding guilt on top of it"

In the morning, he woke up first and went straight to the bathroom. He had noticed the water heater was small, and he really needed a long hot shower since he felt quite sore thanks to Gordon. When he got out of the shower, he walked to the sink to brush his teeth and wiped the mirror with his towel. He saw Dean was standing in the corner of the room, only wearing his boxers. He stared at him in the mirror, and saw hiw brother slowly walk towards him and then crouch. He was going to turn around when he felt Dean's mouth kissing the back of his right thigh, and then slowly going upwards, sometimes licking the remaining drops of water lingering on his skin.

He grabbed the sink and closed his eyes.

He felt Dean's finger sliding on his stomac, and then he heard him whisper in his right ear "open your eyes". He complied. The mirror was a little misted up, but he could see himself quite clearly. He was flushed, his mouth was open, and his eyes seemed almost black. Dean emerged from behind his back he had started to kiss again and began to touch him below. Sam moaned loudly and before he could do anything, he heard "Look". And he did.

He had never been the kind of guy to rent a hotel room with a mirror on the ceiling, but this was the most exciting and troubling thing he had ever done. He was watching Dean's hand moving up and down, while his face remained calm, so calm when he was panting and begging, and his face was...

God.

Dean was licking his fingers and Sam knew what was coming, he was already burning with anticipation. Dean smiled a little wicked smile. Sam looked at himself in the mirror, he had a desperate expression, he started to feel a little ashamed and it was oddly appealing.

He jolted when he felt Dean's finger, and his hips started to move on their own. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on his sensations but he heard "No, no, no" in his ear again, and he opened his eyes, only to see himself bent over the sink, looking rabid, biting his lips to stop moaning. He felt even more indecent, but it made him strangely attracted to his reflection.

Dean suddenly stopped touching him, and promptly took off his boxers, pressing himself against Sam.

"God!" said Sam, almost hurt by the sudden frustration.

Dean kissed his nape and said

"Do you..."

Sam snapped

"Now...do it...or I'll fucking kill you"

Dean went inside him and Sam screamed. His eyes were wide open, and their reflection made him even more lustful. He had a very quick and extremely strong orgasm which made him punch the wall and almost hurt his hand.

Dean turned him around and kissed him, still panting and Sam said

"I think you've just gone against your "not-during-the-day" policy" and they both laughed, Dean adding

"You're the one who says all the time we don't always have to respect the rules"

And Sam replied

"And I'm damn right. This was..." he kissed Dean "this was beyond my wildest expectations. And I have a lot."

Dean smiled and looked...shy?

"I have a few of my own..." he said, and he casually walked out the room.

Bastard, thought Sam, while getting back in the shower.

"Sammy? Sammy we're home."

Dean's voice... Apparently he must have fallen asleep. Home. Is it really...Do they really have a home together? Sam remembers a few weeks ago Dean asked him why he didn't make himself a little bit more at home in the bunker. Sam answered it was because everytime he tried to build a home it didn't end well but... he never actually tried to build a home with him. They used to think about it before Hell, and then Ruby happened. And the Pit. His soulless year. Lisa. Purgatory. Amelia. Gadriel. Kevin... Was it Dean's way to tell him he considered it again? Dean's way to show he was trying to mend what had been broken years ago. How did he miss that?

"Hey...already?"

Dean is smiling, looking cocky.

"What? You were having a nice dream?"

Oh shit, thinks Sam. He coughs. He still wants to have a serious talk with Dean about the Mark. It worries him. A lot. And maybe they could also talk about that "home" thing too.

"Kinda, yeah. Hum"

They enter the bunker, and Sam heads straight to the kitchen to make them some tea and coffee. Dean follows him a few minutes later and he kisses him right behind his ear, whispering

"What were you dreaming about?"

Sam sighes. He definitely has no control over this. He answers

"You."

They can have a proper conversation tomorrow.

Right?