Chapter Ten
Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Oh Maker. Andraste's sweet flaming arse what had possessed Justice to do that?
Somewhere in the back of his mind he could feel the spirit shifting, smug and...sated? Well that certainly wasn't an emotion he was used to feeling from his resident conscience; usually there was only the near constant throb to act, to see justice be done. But now...the spirit was silent, thrumming with confused exhilaration beneath the many layers of his consciousness. And he knew why...
Even through the induced haze that befell him whenever Justice took over he could feel the softness of her skin beneath his fingers, the quickening of her pulse as he'd leant in to plunder the taste and warmth of her mouth. She tasted as sweet as she smelt, honey and heady spices with a soft undertone he couldn't place that was so uniquely Hawke. And even as he treasured the new information he was repulse by it; Justicehad...taken something that he had wanted first.
Anders hadn't been the one to kiss her Justice had, and the spirit didn't seem to see that as a problem, they were one in the same but that wasn't true. He had felt how roughly he'd taken her face in his hands; he had felt the shock jar her body before she hesitantly returned the affection and it sickened him. A first kiss should have been gentle, it would have perhaps become tinged with desperation but the first throes should have been tender. Slamming the doors to his clinic closed the mage stormed to the partition that separated his room from the clinic and rested his forehead against the screen.
How could he look her in the eye when he'd done that? She wanted him yes, but she had no idea what that meant; he didn't know if he could control himself and now Justice had seemed to taken a liking to the idea of having the woman being with them he was even more worried than before. He would hurt her, break her heart if not her body and he couldn't stomach that. But the way she had looked at him, the way she'd swept her tongue around his mouth, across his teeth and the finally twist with his own tongue had him groaning in appreciation.
It had been bad enough when he'd only had his imagination to feed his obsession, but now he'd experienced what it was to kiss her (albeit second hand) the coiling tension in his abdomen was worse than ever. Growling under his breath the mage turned and paced the length of the clinic like a caged animal, electricity simmering over his skin, crackling in the silence. He didn't even know where to begin unravelling the tight knot of anger, anxiety and self-loathing sat in his stomach.
So in the end he simply allowed his magic to run rampant and for nearly half an hour he was stood in the middle of his clinic burning like a beacon.
Four days later he had an unwanted visitor.
Hawke.
Anders wasn't sure he was glad that the woman was still happy to speak to him or irritated that wasn't threatening to drive her daggers into his gut. She just walked in like she owned the place and smiled at him as if nothing had happened...And in a way he had to agree, it had been the Fade, they were simply wearing the forms they had in the real world while their bodies slumbered. It had felt real, but the only part of the young blonde he'd violated was her mind.
"Anders, I need your help saving some Qunari. The Viscount need's to get the Ambassador back to the Arishok alive and well, which requires a Healer. It might take a little while so – "
"No."
Marea's face fell and frowning she tilted her head curiously; "I don't understand...You don't want it to take a while? I mean I can come back when we're ready to head off, but I still can't make any promises, Pertrice is involved and you remember what a bitch she was."
"I'm not coming," Anders said quietly, not looking up from the piece of paper he was scribbling furiously on. "I've been neglecting the clinic too much recently; I have a backlog."
The rogue looked around the empty room, her frown deepening and she crossed the clinic to gently place her hand on his shoulder. "If this about what happened in the Fade, I don – "
"It doesn't have anything to do with what happened in the Fade," he lied easily and shrugged her touch away, getting to his feet to resolutely 'tidy' the vials on the shelf. "Though while we're on the subject it should never have happened, and I'm sorry it did."
"What in the Void is wrong with you?"
I have a pounding headache and I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside because all I want to do is pin you to something and have my wicked way with you...And Maker help me even Justice wants in on the action.
"Nothing is wrong with me, Hawke; I'm just too busy to gallivant over Kirkwall today," Anders mumbled and turned to look at her. He was soon wishing he hadn't however when she bought her hand across his face with a deafening crack.
"You pathetic, childish bastard. You're going to put our friend's lives at risk because you have an issue with me? Well sod it, Anders you can fuck right off to the Void for all I care. If you don't want me around anymore then Maker knows you've got your wish, I'll tell everyone that you're no longer open for service; if they want to stay in contact with you that's their business. Goodbye, Anders."
It's for the best. It's for the best. Let her go. You would've broken her heart at some point.The mantra in his head was the only thing that kept his feet planted to the ground as Anders watched Marea storm out of the clinic.
The afternoon bought another surprise. There, standing in his doorway looking as uncomfortable as any noble would in Darktown, was Leandra Hawke. He'd seen her many a time when he'd gone to their estate in Hightown; she would always regard him silently for a long moment before smiling and saying that Marea would be down soon – however she'd always watch him with a curious gaze as he disappeared into the study bickering with the small blonde. She was always...watching; it was baffling and unsettling.
And now she was staring at him with unreadable eyes as he watched her from his desk, her hands folded neatly in front of her.
"Lady Leandra..." he greeted finally, stumbling over his words as he tried to think of what to call her, calling the woman 'Hawke's mother' seemed so...demeaning, messere and serah were too formal and just using her name was too informal.
She bobbed her head in a similar fashion to her daughter, seemingly oblivious to his inner ramblings, and surveyed the clinic in silence. Anders considered himself appropriately unnerved and quietly got to his feet, walking towards his friend's mother anxiously. He should say something...Yes, he should definitely say something, but as he opened his mouth to speak she locked her eyes on him and his words died in his throat.
At least now he knew that Hawke's ability to unnerve people was hereditary; she'd probably learnt it from the woman standing before him.
"Can I – Can I help you?"
"I'm not ill, Anders," Leandra said politely after a moment of heavy observation, moving to perch on the edge of one filthy cot. "I've come to speak to you about my daughter, actually."
His heart throbbed into his throat cutting off his airways and the mage raised a hand, opening his mouth to defend himself. However the woman once again didn't give him the opportunity. "Marea and I...well let's say we don't see eye to eye. It's taken me a while to accept it but I can see that it's mostly my fault; and despite what my daughter might think I care for her deeply." She turned her unwavering gaze on him at this point, "I gave birth to her, I reared her, I watched her grow into the fierce, independent young woman that she is now, you cannot even begin to fathom the depths of my affection for her; and while we do argue I am still her mother. And I will notsit by and watch her get hurt; do we understand each other, Anders?"
"I have no intentions of hurting your daughter, ma'am. I'm – "
"Intentions or not you are."
Anders' throat constricted at the information and he looked down at his boots, ashamed of himself as she looked at him. Maker the Hawke women were a force to be reckoned with. He hadn't known Bethany for very long, and while she had been a dangerous mage he'd never seen this side to the girl before she'd died. When he didn't immediately answer her accusation Leandra got to her feet and moved to stand in front of him.
"I am old, Anders. Maker knows I wish I wasn't but I am; if I could have my time again He knows I wouldn't change anything – I would still have run away with my late husband, so, me telling her that it would be in her best interests to stay away from you would seem rather hollow. So I feel I should warn you, I won't allow you to break her heart; certainly not if it's in my power to do so. Have I made myself clear?"
Unable to do anything other than nod the mage took a step back and away from the woman as she stared at him. She was making him feel like he was seven years old again and stealing sweets from the Circle's stores, "You refused to help her save some Qunari from a Templar today. Why?"
"I can't trust myself around her."
He could see in her eyes that she respected his honesty but what he hadn't expected was for her to cluck her tongue and shake her head. "I can tell you're not just worried about your desire to bed her," she said after moment and chuckled as he spluttered his embarrassment.
He was not having this conversation with Hawke's mother. It wasn't happening.
"I was young once, and happily married to an Apostate too, I'm perfectly aware of how young men's minds work, and though you're not as young as my daughter I have no doubt that you're as highly-strung as she is. I have to admit I wish that all I did have to worry about was that you were bedding her, it would be...easier to deal with than this."
"I don't want to be rude, ma'am," Ander's cringed at how much of a child he sounded, "But how do you know that we even had an argument?"
The woman's eyes glazed and she turned to look at the far wall, frowning to herself. "She came home to fetch Kodi...She was so upset that I think she forgot who she was talking to when I asked her what was wrong. I've rarely seen Marea cry in front of me, usually she tries to hide it, but you pushed her too far. You're so dead set on not hurting her that I don't think you realise you are. I'm not here to tell you that you have to love my daughter, Maker knows I would never force the women in my family on any man unless they fully understood what they were taking on...but I am here to tell you that if you care for her, even a little, that you'll either put her out of her misery for good or you'll admit you want her as much as she wants you."
Anders watched from the corner of his eye as Leandra brushed herself off, looking around the clinic again with a wry smile. "She must want you if she spends so much time down here, I can't imagine she does it because it's comfortable. How I really should get back to Lowtown, I think I've left my brother waiting long enough. Think about what I said, Anders."
As Leandra smiled at him and patted his pauldrons before disappearing from the clinic without another word, leaving him to mull over what she'd said.
It was the last time he saw the woman alive.
Maker knew she was starting to get sick of Qunari. They were becoming a near constant source of problems; Hawke had barely finished one task before she had to resolve another. The fight with Ser Varnell and his mob had been excruciating and lengthy; Merrill's basic understanding of healing had only just tipped the battle in their favour. As it was however the group had come out with nasty cuts and bruises that the elf had only been able to take the edge off of.
The Viscount hadn't been pleased. Not that she blamed him of course; his thin strand of power was slowly unravelling in front of him and there was nothing he could do to stop it. She wasn't surprised to see the soft skin beneath his eyes was puffy and bruised; he no doubt had many a sleepless night in the fort thinking about the madness that had gripped his city. Eventually however he had dismissed them and she, Aveline and Fenris slowly made their way back to Hightown and Merrill to the Alienage.
The spectacle that greeted her when she finally stepped through her front door made her sore temples throb painfully and turned the dull ache in her head from Varnell's pommel into an agonizing roar. Brushing aside Kodi's excited licks, obviously glad to be home, she stepped through the foyer into the entrance hall.
"Enchantment?"
"No! Leandra! Le-an-dra!"
"You know shouting at him isn't going to make him understand you," the blonde sighed hoarsely as she regarded her uncle. Sandal offered her a bright wave and she returned the greeting with a tight smile before glowering at Gamlen who was being altogether too loud.
"There you are!"
"Yes, Gamlen, I do live here you know." The man shot her a sour look and sighing again she crossed her arms, watching him irritably as he continued.
"Where's your mother? Is she feeling alright?"
Rolling her eyes the blonde padded over to the table on the right of the fireplace, sinking the washcloth in the basin Bodahn kept there for such occasions, holding the cool rag against the cut by her temple. "How should I know? When I last saw her she was breathing and walking, looked perfectly fine. What's wrong?"
"Your mother didn't show up for our weekly visit. She must be ill to have missed it. She is here, isn't she?"
Maker's breath how in the Void was she meant to know that? Had he failed to see she was still in her leathers, covered in blood and had only just walked in through the door? What a stupid question, of course she didn't know where her mother was, she hadn't been home since this morning...Her stomach growled. Ah yes, and she was hungry; which accounted for her foul mood.
"No Gamlen. The boy and I haven't seen her all day. Mistress Hawke has only just got home as you can see," Bodahn answered for her, two glasses of wine balanced on a tray as he watched the blonde pull a face at her uncle before dipping the rag in the water once more before she walked over to them.
"Where could she be?" He sounded as though he were talking more to himself than anyone else so when Marea rolled her eyes and stopped in front of him she was surprised when he snapped at her. "Don't look like that; I know you and Leandra don't have the best of relationships but surely you're worried?"
"Why should I be worried, uncle. It's barely nightfall; she'd probably forgotten about your visit and stayed for dinner at the de Launcets'. That woman can talk forever," Hawke reassured him and patted his arm once before dabbing at the cut to her lip.
Bodahn cleared his throat and looked up between the two humans with a small frown, "Or perhaps she is with her suitor."
Waving her cloth as she turned gratefully to take the glass from the dwarf, knocking it back with practised ease, Fenris would be proud; they'd spent many a night drinking together into the wee hours of the morning. "Yes, or perhaps she's with her suitor. Though she's been shifty about the whole thing, I'm starting to think the man doesn't exist."
"Suitor? Leandra never mentioned anything about a suitor."
"She is a grown woman, uncle, and I'm quite sure she doesn't want us to know the ins and outs of her love life. Maker knows I wish she didn't know about mine," Hawke grumbled and placed the glass on the tray, plucking the second up before Gamlen could even think about reaching for it.
"Those lilies arrived for her this afternoon, just before she left," Bodahn added with a sagely nod, pausing to look at his mistress when the glass slipped from her grasp to fall to the floor with a crash. "M'lady?"
Marea could feel the blood leave her face as she stared down at the dwarf, ignorant to his clucking as he ducked to retrieve the shards calling for Orana to get a cloth so he could mop away the liquid. Grasping his shoulders the blonde stopped him mid-stoop, her fingers digging into the firm muscle she could feel there, eyes wild. "You said lilies, Bodahn. Did they say who they were from?"
"No messere, they didn't have a note."
Hawke was pulling at the reams of bandages in her pouch within seconds, her mind racing into overdrive as she hastily bound her wounds, mindful not to tear the tender flesh Merrill had healed. She only spared a glance for her uncle when he suddenly asked, "Well don't just keep me waiting! What is it?"
"There's a killer in Kirkwall who sends his victims white lilies before he takes them," she explained quickly, gritting her teeth as she tightened the bandage around her thigh over the leather of her breeches and the long gash there. "He's murdered several women already."
"No," Gamlen protested weakly, as pale as she felt, "You're wrong. Leandra's fine."
"Well standing here denying it isn't going to make it less true, uncle!" the blonde snapped, unsheathing her blades to quickly wipe them down, dashing across the room to retrieve the potions, poisons and grenades she'd ordered from the table, stuffing them into her pouches in a blind panic.
"You don't know for sure that she's in trouble...Maybe she...took another path to my house. I could have missed her and she's let herself in. I'm going back to Lowtown."
"Do what you will, Gamlen," she hissed and patted her hip to coax Kodi from under the chair where he'd been hiding from her ire. "Bodahn, stay here and see if she comes back. I'm going to get Fenris and Aveline and I'll meet you – " She turned to her uncle who had paused in the doorway to watch her. " – down there. See if you can find anything out."
Without another word she ran from the hall and past Gamlen into the cool evening air.
Through sheer luck when she burst into Fenris' mansion Aveline had been there; both had ran from the room at the top of the staircase swords out to face the intruder. The look of fear and panic on her face had had them at her side in seconds. Hawke didn't stop to explain before she fled to Lowtown, the two warriors and Kodi hot on her heels.
Maker knew that if something happened to her mother she would never forgive herself.
The thick lock on the door to Anders' clinic had splintered easily when her boot collided with the wood. Hard.
"Where is she!"
Hawke watched as the mage himself appeared from behind the privacy screen in nothing but a pair of low slung trousers and boots, staff in hand as he prepared to defend himself, but when their eyes met over the expanse of the room he relaxed marginally. That was until she advanced on him, daggers out in warning.
"Hawke!" Avelinde barked behind her besides a (secretly gleeful) Fenris. "Calm down!"
"No Aveline. That kid said she had been coming up from Darktown and there's only one reason why she would even be down here," the blonde hissed, finally coming to a stop in front of him, her own terrified and determined eyes locked on Anders' surprised ones. "And he's standing right in front of me...What the fuck happened? Talk quickly or Andraste be my witness I won't hesitate, Anders."
She could see Justice shifting behind his eyes at the threat, the slight flicker of blue in his pupils before he gently held her shoulders. The subsequent tremble that started at the intimate gesture shocked both of them and Marea pulled away shaking her head; as much as she wanted to let the older man comfort her she couldn't afford to waste any time. Her mother was missing and Maker knew she wasn't sure how she felt. She just knew she needed to find her, and hold her and make sure that she was alive and well and whole.
"What're you talking about, Marea? Leandra came down here earlier yes, but she's been gone for hours. She said she was going to visit Gamlen, perhaps you should start there?"
With a hiss of distress and frustration Hawke stalked back towards the doors, pausing only when Aveline grasped her upper arm. "We'll find her, Hawke."
"I know," the blonde said softly, patting Kodi's head for reassurance as she disappeared into the darkness. "I have to."
"Marea!"
Looking over her shoulder the woman was surprised to see Anders running up the stairs after them, tugging his coat on as he took the ascent two steps at a time. Sighing irritably the rogue gestured for her two companions to wait and she turned to regard the Apostate coolly. "What do you want Anders?"
"Let me come with you."
Snorting the blonde shook her head, frowning, "Why should I, you made it pretty obvious that you don't want anything to do with me, why should my family be any different?"
Maker she's going to make me beg...in front of Fenris...I know I deserve it but...
"Look, Hawke I'm sorry. I'm a compulsive arse and you know it, it's in my nature," he said quietly, climbing the last couple of steps to stand next to her, frowning in concern. "And I don't want you to go through this alone. Because I'm a stupid, childish bastard I let you all get hurt during a battle where I could have healed you as we went along."
There was a long moment of silence before she finally nodded a small smile replacing the thin line of her mouth, "Say that again."
"What? That I'm sorry?" Anders asked softly, reached out to gently brush his fingers across her cheek and forehead, trying to smooth away the lines of worry around her mouth and brow.
"No," she said quietly and crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow at him, "The part where you're a stupid, childish bastard."
The mage opened his mouth to repeat the words but stilled when she pressed a finger to his lips and shook her head. "We don't have time at the moment, but once this is over I'll have great fun in making you say that. Over and over again."
She offered him a small grin, a shadow of the one she usually had reserved for him but it was a smile none the less, and she crouched next to Kodi with a worried pout, chewing the her bloodied lower lip. "Find her boy, you know what to do," she whispered and with a soft chuff the hound bounded off into the night.
"I was wondering when you were going to get here. Leandra was so sure you'd come for her."
"Where is she?" Marea ground out, her hands tightening around the pommels of her daggers as she stalked across the underground room and glowered at the mage standing behind the chair in front of the fireplace. His face twisted cruelly into what could have once been a smile and she thought back to the forbidden books that had littered the floor in the room they'd passed through and then the painting that had hung proudly on the wall. The woman had looked so much like her mother...
"You will never understand my purpose. Your mother was chosen because she was special, and now she is part of something...greater..." he said softly, the venom dripping from his words as he strode around the chair to face her properly.
Her knuckles turned white with the force of her grip. "Save me the demented ramblings you insane bastard! What have you done with her?"
The mage, Quentin if the notes had been right, smirked and looked over his shoulder at the chair. "Why, she's right here, waiting for you. I have done the impossible; I have touched the face of the Maker and lived. Do you know what the strongest force in the universe is?"
She watched, nauseated as he turned to grasp the back of the chair, reaching around to brush his fingers across something hidden from her view. Hawke felt Aveline stiffen somewhere to her right, the woman had a better vantage point but when she attempted to see what the red head saw Aveline pushed her away, pale and solemn. The blonde hissed her name anxiously and tried again but her shoulders where held at arm's length away, stronger than she was.
"Love," Quentin continued, ignorant to the silent struggle behind him, moving around the chair to regard the person, she'd managed to glimpse than much, with a deranged sort of passion. "I pieced her together from memory – I found her eyes, her skin, her delicate fingers...And now, at last...her face. Oh, this beautiful face. I've searched far and wide to find you again, my beloved. And no force on this earth will part us!"
The figure in the chair before him stood unsteadily, shuffling in place for a moment before turning to face the small group. There was strained silence as Hawke stared in repulsed horror at her mother's face, trembling suddenly as Kodi growled behind her.
"No!"
It took Anders a moment to realise the cracking shriek of desperation had come from Marea and she tore towards Leandra and Quentin mindlessly, unaware of the Shades and Abominations being summoned from the earth beneath their feet. The loud screech had him covering his ears as a creature, hideously reminiscent of a woman crawled its way up, punching a fist through the hard ground just in front of the blonde; before he could shout a warning a flash of blue streaked across his vision and Fenris stopped a few feet away with the struggling woman in arms.
The mage was too relieved to be jealous...mostly.
The battle was long and hard, with wave after wave and possession after possession; the final repugnant creature a twisted doppelganger of Leandra. It had been Fenris who had cut it down; Hawke had frozen in place, unable to move when the demon had bore down on her, clawed hand raised to slice through her. However the barrier around Quentin dissolved suddenly and before anyone could stop her, the blonde had run straight through the line of Shades and skeletons to attack the man.
None of them could see past the swamp of enemies how she was faring against the blood mage, but when the last creature had been cut down they turned in time to see her throw her dagger into the skull of a rogue skeleton, face twisted in a mask of pain and anger. She walked over hesitantly to retrieve her blade, struggling to remove it from the half rotted flesh.
They could only watch as she turned, her eyes unreadable to see who was approaching her only to gasp and run forward, her clutching hands desperately trying to find purchase against Leandra's cold skin. "Mother! Please, Maker no...Anders heal her. Please I don't care how - "
"There's nothing I can do," he whispered hoarsely quietly approaching her but Aveline's hand restrained him with a shake of her head. "His magic was keeping her alive..."
The blonde cupped the woman's face, lip trembling as she surveyed the familiar features, gray from death. Her mother looked up at her unseeing for a second or so before her eyes finally focused on her with a small smile, "I knew you'd come."
"Don't move," she mumbled, smoothing her hair once, and then twice feverishly turning to Aveline, "I'll find a way to...I'll get Merrill and she'll..."
An icy hand on her cheek silenced her and she turned her anguished face back to look down at her mother, tightening her grip marginally. "Shh, don't fret, darling. That man would have kept me trapped here, but now...I'm free. I'll be with Carver and Bethany...and your father; but you'll be here all alone."
"I should have watched over you more carefully. I was so wrapped up in my anger and resentment I didn't once think to – No, I promised them I'd keep you safe, please don't make me break it. Not again," she whispered, barely audible as her breath hitched and hot tears flooded her eyes, wetting both of their faces.
"My little girl has grown up so quickly...You're so...beautiful, Marea...I'm so sorry I didn't tell you that when it mattered..." The blonde made a weak noise in the back of her throat and pulled her mother's body a little tighter against her chest, her breathing rugged as she tried to suppress her tears. "I love you...so much. You've always made me so...proud..."
Leandra stilled suddenly and Marea heard herself cry out distantly, the sobs wracking her body as she pulled the cold corpse against her chest. "Mama! No, please. Mama, please don't leave me here! Not alone. I love you...Please wake up!"
Somewhere in the back of her mind she could hear her four year old self asking the air, 'Is Mama dying?'But this time there was no Papa to smooth her hair and kiss her forehead and promise everything would be fine. She had no one else in the world.
She was alone.
And with that thought ringing in her ears she screamed, burying her face into her mother's hair, sobbing until her throat was raw.
Hesitantly Anders pushed the door to Hawke's room open, slipping inside. She was sat, perched on the edge of the bed in nothing but a shift dress, her arms wrapped around her stomach and Kodi draped across her feet, whimpering pitifully. She didn't look up to acknowledge him.
"I know nothing I say will change it," he said softly, moving to stand at the foot of the bed. "But I'm just...I'm sorry. You were lucky to have her as long as you did. When the pain fades that's what will matter."
"Go away, Anders."
Sighing, the mage bit his lip, a habit he seemed to have picked up from her, and stepped forwards, freezing when she turned her eyes to glare at him. There was no heat behind her eyes, only dull acceptance and barely masked pain; despite her words she wanted him here. "She wouldn't want you to blame yourself."
"You don't know my mother," she hissed bitterly and shifted to turn away from him, stiffening when he eased himself down onto the bed next to her.
"I know. And I'm sorry that I never will." Reaching over he brushed his fingers beneath her chin and turned her face to look at him. "I'm here for you. Whatever you need."
She didn't say a word for a long moment; just looked at him and nodding he got to his feet, turning to leave. The softest of tugs at his sleeve stopped him in his tracks and Anders glanced over his shoulder to look at the blonde. Her lip was trembling again.
"Stay."
Removing the staff from his back he propped it against the wall and sat down once more, watching her shift anxiously before adding, "Hold me..."
When she looked at him with such vulnerability...how could he say no?
Kicking off his boots he shifted onto the bed and opened his arms for her, letting Marea settle herself against his chest, her fingers tightening in his shirt beneath his coat. Neither said a word, and after five minutes or so of listening to their breathing the rogue finally added, "Don't let me go."
Smiling affectionately Anders carded his fingers through her hair and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head, lulled by the warmth of her body, the rhythm of her breathing and the crackle of the fire.
"I don't plan on it."