Learning How to Forgive
Chapter Eleven
The waiting rooms of therapists' offices are like comedic gold, pure and simple.
Glancing around the office that Dr. Smith shared with six other mental health professionals, Kurt couldn't help but play his new favorite game: guess the crazy.
To his right a young girl, maybe sixteen or seventeen, sat in the cliché Catholic school girl uniform. Kurt's diagnosis: whore with daddy issues. Evidence: the way she stared at the much older man across from her and the way she flexed her legs every time she caught his eye. Kurt's recommendation: STD panel and a visit to the House of the Mother Mary Superior, those nuns could do wonders with this girl (to be fair, his position on whores had evolved to a much more negative aspect in recent months).
The man across from the young woman: kleptomaniac. Evidence: he was shoving the complimentary mints into his pockets covertly (or as covertly as person can be when shoving dozens of candies wrapped in the world's loudest plastic into his pocket). Kurt's recommendation: he should be forced to eat all of the mints in his pocket at one time.
Turning to his left, a young boy sat who was drawing pictures of what he assumed to be adults standing over a piranha pit. Shifting in his chair, Kurt decided he would rather not delve into Rosemary's baby's mind.
In spite of all his musings, Kurt couldn't quell the rising panic he felt at being in the waiting room. This would be his first appointment with the good doctor since he had learned how weak-minded his husband had been almost a decade prior. He had canceled two appointments since then, one solo and one joint, and Blaine had become wary as to the reason.
He had yet to confront Blaine with his newfound knowledge, he himself was still trying to process what he had learned. Sighing, he rose from his seat and entered Dr. Smith's office when prompted.
He offered the woman a greeting and gracefully took a seat, fielding Marie's questions about how work and his life had been. He had hoped that if he played his cards right, he might have been able to infuse the whole thirty minute session with small talk. His hopes were dashed when Dr. Smith confronted him head on.
"So Kurt, what's bothering you," she asked, her eyes studying his every move.
Kurt laughed, the fakeness ringing in his ears, before he responded. "The stock market. Ralph Lauren's fall line was atrocious. Bristol Palin's television show was renewed for an eighth season," Kurt said, his trademark smirk in place.
"I mean really bothering you, although I can see how Bristol Palin's maintained media presence would be disconcerting," Marie said. "Blaine has said that he is afraid you're pulling away from our time here, that you're pulling away from him."
"Has he now," Kurt questioned, unsure of how to feel at that. "I'm honestly trying, you know. I really am."
"I don't doubt that. Part of my approach is to act as a neutral mediator between the two of you. Blaine has asked me to discuss with you how you're dealing with things. I understand you have had a couple of dates."
"Yeah, we've had a couple of dates. Sometimes we go out to eat, sometimes we stay in and I make us something. We've gone to the occasional movie," Kurt answered. "I got him to sit through Fatal Attraction, which I counted as a win."
"Ah, a new approach to therapy," Marie said, waiting for Kurt to continue.
Annoyed with the silence, Kurt spoke up. "What do you want from me today," Kurt questioned.
"I want you honestly answer me when I ask how you are doing these days," Maries responded.
Kurt took a deep breathe before he answered. "Not good Dr. Smith, not good. Blaine and I are not okay. I don't know whether or now we will ever be okay. I feel like there is this dark cloud that is hanging over my head constantly. And I learned some quite frankly shocking but not so shocking news about Blaine."
"To what news are you referring," Marie questions, her face confused as she fingered through her notes.
Shaking his head, Kurt looked out the window, his eyes resting on a bird perched on a branch outside. "You won't find it in your notes, Dr. Smith. And no, I don't want to talk about it. We're almost out of time, by the way," Kurt said.
Dr. Smith looked towards her desk clock and nodded. "You're right. But we do have five minutes lefts, and there is one more issue that I have been meaning to discuss with you."
Kurt's face remained neutral, but he indicated that he was listening.
"Blaine has mentioned that you had a moment not too long ago where you guys were verging on having intimate relations, but you weren't ready. What are your thoughts," Dr. Smith said
"Well, anyone who refers to it as intimate relations isn't getting their chimney swept often if you catch my drift, doc," Kurt said, but continued when Dr. Smith was not amused. "Yeah, we had a moment a while ago. It was no where near intimate-land, my guess is that Blaine wanted it to head in that direction. I didn't though."
"Are you ready to have relations with him again," Dr. Smith asked.
Kurt paused for a minute, debating whether he should use profanity or honesty to answer the question. He chose the latter.
"It's like there is a stain on his skin and only I can see it. Where another man touched him … kissed him. It drives me crazy to know that someone got to experience such an intimate part of Blaine, a part that I thought I would be the only one to ever know," Kurt said. He sighed and looked into Marie's eyes, mustering the courage to voice his thoughts.
"When you marry someone, on some level you want them to be everything for you, and you be everything for them. I wanted to be the person that meant everything, that owned every special moment. When I am with him, when I think about being intimate with him again, I'm afraid that there will always be this third person in our bed; there will always be a comparison between the two of me and his lover," Kurt finished.
"Your fears aren't unfounded Kurt. Blaine broke a significant part of your relationship: the trust you had with one another. The question at hand is whether or not you can rebuild that trust. Do you think that you might be ready to begin that process," Dr. Smith responded.
Kurt scoffed and shifted in his seat. "I'm getting pulled in a dozen different directions. The thought of trusting Blaine is honestly laughable. I'm immersed in this big ball of confusion and I don't see a way out. Just when I think I have evolved to a new level and might be ready to move on, someone or something throws a huge wrench in it and slaps me back to square one," he said.
Dr. Smith paused for a moment and chose her words carefully. "Could you elaborate on that," she finally asked.
Kurt sighed and looked towards his boots, once again attempting to sort his thoughts into some semblance of order.
"I don't know what Blaine I am dealing with anymore. I used to have this picture perfect image of Blaine from when we were younger, but now I know that even then he wasn't perfect. I have the man I married and built life with, who is so disconnected from any other image I have of him. I have the Blaine that hurt me so deep I can feel it in my bones," Kurt said.
"We often like to think of our partners as being perfect Kurt, and that's the word you used: perfect. I think you're trying to reconcile all the information that has been thrown your way recently and compact it into a black and white world. We don't live in a black and white world Kurt," Dr. Smith said.
"Bummer. Black and white are totally in this season," Kurt muttered, gazing out the window, feeling envy as he watched a bird take flight into the sky.
AN: Reviews make me happy! Next chapter is written, will be uploaded tomorrow!