A/N: Due to people asking Trysta's age is now 12. See? When you guys message me I listen.
Dear Journal,
I once had a journal but my sister read my journal. I once had a sister….you get the idea.
Even if you got rid of me you'd still have Trysta and Dottie.-Donna, your loving sister
Stay out of my private thoughts!-Roach, kind of pissed off now
No, I'm worried about you.-Donna, the concerned big sister
I'm fine, Donna, now quite pissing me off so I can finish this entry.-Roach, been trying for two days to do this entry
Just start after you write your message to me.-Donna, still worried about her big brother
Can't, too pissed off and I'm curious when you'll stop this.-Roach, not in need of your concern
I'm never going to stop worrying about you, I know what happened to you.-Donna, very worried
Leave me alone and mind your own business.-Roach, not happy
Anyway, now that that's over:
Halloween is a strange holiday. I used to love it as a kid but now I don't know. Some of the decorations are nice; my house has a bunch of cardboard tombstones in the front yard to look like a graveyard and some orange lights to attract more kids.
It was nice decorating again. I was stolen the year we moved into the house. I didn't even start kindergarten let alone celebrate Halloween.
The decorations that look like cut up people bother me. I'm not going to be a baby about it or anything. If I can watch both Terminator movies I can stand the decorations in my neighborhood. Alice isn't really bothered by them so I won't be either.
I think Alice isn't bothered because she's never seen people being cut up, ripped apart, and eaten. She's seen Mommy and Daddy eating but that was after the people were butchered and cooked. She liked to decorate anyway; her house is covered in fake spider webs and it looks pretty neat.
I'm going trick or treating this year for the first time in ten, no eleven, years. I'm going as a Terminator mainly because I like that movie. Or maybe I could be a cockroach because I am a Cockroach. Or maybe we could go with Dot's idea and all go as a Chinese dragon. No wait, not enough mobility with that costume.
If I worry about little things like Halloween I won't worry about big things like this stupid trial. I say cut out their eyes, ears, and tongues. After that make them eat each other's eyes, ears, and tongues but the eyes last so they can see what's happening to each other. When that's done cut them open and make them eat their own insides while there's a blood bag thing attached to them like in the hospital.
That'd make a pretty good horror movie. I don't really like those because they're too unrealistic. Alice doesn't like them because they're too gory. I don't like anything Alice doesn't like.
Alice.
God I love her. I love being with her. I love making love to her. Well, while it's happening. She says she likes it but afterwards I feel like I've hurt her the way others have hurt me. Then I hate myself. Sometimes I don't afterwards. Sometimes everything feels wonderful and perfect and I never want to get up from next to her even though we're all sweaty and gross.
I'm not going to try and kill myself again. If I died who would protect her from everything. As long as she has me she's safe.
And Donna, if you're reading this, I forgive her for the unpleasantness that happened between her and dad so don't ask me about that or my sex life which I'm sure you know I have. Also, stay out of my journal or I'll put some cockroaches in the box I keep it in.
By the way, sorry about the mouse trap thing.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Alice. We've made love a total of fourteen times since that day. Sometimes it's long and nice and we can do it until I can't go anymore and other times its fast and rushed because someone might wonder where we are or worse; walk in and see us.
I know the people under the stairs do it in front of each other but I don't want anyone to see that. That's private between me and Alice and my dad who knows but says nothing. Actually, he said way too much when he was trying to get me not to kill myself. I don't like the way my mind was then. I missed a couple pills that day, never again. I also never want to hear about my parents doing it again. Ever. It's still not as bad as seeing it though.
That wasn't a pleasant night for anyone for any reason. Maybe for Alice, she did say she liked it a lot. I didn't need to know about the first time with mother. In fact, I could have lived a very long time not knowing that.
My parents are having another baby, by the way.
I'm crazy excited! A new baby like Miracle but related to me. Maybe I'll have a new little brother. A sister is alright too, I guess. A new baby to hold and play with and take care of.
Well, my mother said something about being late and then my parents had a fight but I'm pretty sure she's having another baby. I'm not %100 on that. I'll get back to you. Ok, back to Halloween. Safe subject for everyone.
I wish Alice could go trick or treating with us but she's going with her real parents. It's a family thing, she said. She's not too crazy about going out at night with big groups of people. I should be there to protect her. I'm going to be her husband and that's what husbands did; protect their wives.
We're not married yet but we will be. Then we'll have a baby together and we'll love it and protect it and never do anything to hurt it.
My parents got married and had Donna when they were the age me and Alice are and they turned out OK.
Maybe me and Fool will be friend again by the time me and Alice have our wedding. We didn't officially stop being friends again like one of us tried to kill the other but there's some stuff between us coming from the fact that he slept with Trysta. She's only 12 and Fool's only 13.
He swears up and down that he didn't hurt her and she says he didn't hurt her so I guess he didn't hurt her.
Since I've been with Headbanger and Alice I realized that not all sex is rape and that both people can like it. Not that I'll be doing it with Headbanger again. I'm with Alice and I'm not in love with her. I didn't even want to that badly the first time with her. She made me hard and then we just did it. When it was over it didn't feel anything like it did with me and Alice.
Alice can never know. Never ever. Not in a million years. She'll hate me and leave me and then I'll be alone forever and then I'll die of loneliness and depression and jumping off my roof. Hang on, I need to take my medicine now, the one's that keep me from acting crazy. Write in you later, bye.
-Roach, the future husband of Misses Alice J. Cullen
Roach was currently trying to sleep in the bathtub. He just couldn't sleep in his bed right now between the nightmares and the insomnia and the fact that he just didn't feel right. It wasn't just what he had done with Alice that had him feeling all crazy inside, in seemed to be his entire life
"Why bother?" thought Roach as he laid against the cool porcelain. He had slept only a few hours last night and most of them were in the tub. He had started stress wetting the bed again so the best thing to do was sleep in the tub. If he could sleep on hay in the cellar he could sleep in the bathtub.
"David Jr.? Are you taking a bath?" asked Dot sticking her head into the bathroom. It was time for a very important pre-Halloween meeting. This had been on her mind for a while so she decided to get up early and get it out of the way so she could make up her X-Mas list before Santa was swamped with them.
"Leave him alone, he's nuts right now." Said a very sleepy Morgan. He sort of liked his big brother but not when he was weird like this.
"How come?" asked Dottie closing the bathroom door quietly as not to wake her big brother.
"'Cause of his horrible life." Yawned Morgan as he walked downstairs. Whatever Dot was so bothered about it better have been important enough to make him get up so very early in the morning.
"Dot, why's this so important we had to get up?" asked Trysta rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"Come downstairs and I'll go over the meeting." Said Dot in a whiny voice only a six year old could possess. Her twice her age sister gave a sigh only an almost teenage can possess.
"Wonder what that's all about. Might as well go see, it's too late to go back to sleep." Thought Roach. He got up, brushed his teeth, took his morning pill that was supposed to keep the crazy away, and stood at the top of the stairs listening in on his siblings.
"Fine." Sighed Trysta. Her siblings filed downstairs where they were greeted with a stack of phonebooks and a stack of laundry baskets served as a makeshift podium.
"Now for the most important and only order of business; our Halloween costumes." Said Dottie as she stood on a stack of phonebooks in front of her siblings.
"We already decided on costumes, Dot, let's go to school." Said Donna watching the little clock on the end table. She remembered when she was six…Halloween sucked…but this one wouldn't.
"Yeah, and I wanna go to bed for another…forty five minutes." said Trysta yawning
"Can't we have this meeting after school?" asked a very sleepy Morgan. He wanted to go back to bed and then not go to school. It was too early for this.
"And shouldn't David Jr. be here?" asked Trysta. It was a Cullen kid meeting after all he was their brother. Their weird but still OK and not at all attractive brother. That wasn't her finest hour.
"No, he's too crazy right now. We'll fill him in when he's done crying in the bathtub." Said Dottie. It wasn't like she hadn't tried but he was really sad right now. Something to do with Alice.
"He's not crazy he's just…sad." Said Donna. She read his journal, she knew what was wrong. If she were him she never would have done it and not just because Alice was a girl and she was a girl…no wait…if she was David Jr. then she'd be a boy but…it was way too early for this.
"Well he should be happy; he's not in the death house with the crazy people anymore." Said Morgan
"Back to Halloween costumes." Said Dottie. Honestly! They were debating David Jr.'s sadness when Halloween was coming and they hadn't even finalized their costumes or candy routes yet.
"I'm not going with you guys." Said Donna nonchalantly. Everyone turned to stare at her for a moment before all hell broke loose.
"So you're just going to abandon us?!" said Dottie falling from her stack of phone books.
"What, we embarrass you?" asked Tryta helping her little sister up.
"Wait, we get David Jr. back but we lose you? So the universe says that I can only have three brothers and sister?" said Morgan. No, this was not Ok. He wasn't going to trade in Donna for David Jr., never ever.
"Be quite before you wake people up! I'm just going somewhere with Debbie. You guys can go with David Jr., it'll be fine." Said Donna
"But mom and dad said that because you're oldest you have to go with us so that we don't end up like David Jr. with our tongues cut out." Said Dottie
"Well David Jr.'s a year younger than me, he'll be in charge." Said Donna
"I'm twelve and I can talk, I'll be in charge." Said Trysta
"Just because David Jr. can't talk doesn't mean that he can't be in charge." Said Donna
"No, he can't be in charge because he's crazy." Said Morgan laying down on the ageing couch
"He's not crazy." Said Donna forcefully
"No, just weird." Said Dot trying to be helpful. He was sad and a little crazy but mostly sad because of Alice. He had a lot of problems because of the bad stuff that happened to him so it was natural that he was sad and crazy.
"Yeah, and he's gonna be in charge because he's fifteen and can protect you guys from whatever's out there. I'm going out and you guys aren't going to say anything to mom and dad." Said Donna
"It'll cost you." Said Trysta
"Yeah, a million dollars." Said Dottie thinking of the things she would do with a million dollars. She'd build a flying time machine car like in back to the future.
"Something she can actually pay." Said Trysta
"You do all of our chores and homework for the rest of the year." Said Morgan
"That's a good idea except for the homework." Said Trysta
"I don't want to do my homework." Whined Dot
"It's stupid and pointless." Said Morgan sticking out his tongue.
"You're stupid and pointless." Said Dot mirroring his action.
"I'm agreeing with you!" said Morgan. Donna began to hush them. Someone was up. She was supposed to be leaving for school and her parents weren't really morning people.
"If she does our homework then it'll be in her handwriting and we'll get in trouble and get expelled and end up working at McDonald's for the rest of our lives." Said Trysta
"I like McDonald's." said Dot. She had visions of eating fries and playing in the ball pit all day.
"They don't pay very much. We'll never be able to afford anything nice." Said Morgan
"We already can't afford anything nice." Said Dot
"I'll do your chores. Ok, meeting over." Said Donna putting her backpack on and preparing to leave.
"Wait! If you buy us a computer with a printer then you can do our homework." Said Dot holding onto her big sister with all fifty pounds she had.
"Sure I'll buy you a computer. Right after I get us a new VCR, a game console I didn't play with back when we still had David Jr., and maybe a car that didn't sound like it was dying every time you turned it on." Said Donna sarcastically as she left.
"She was being sarcastic, wasn't she?" asked Dot to herself.
"Yeah." Said Roach as finished his silent descent from the upstairs bathroom where he had spent the better part of the night.
"Don't do that!" said Dot as she jumped a foot in the air
"Sorry." Wrote Roach as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He had gotten an estimated less than four hours before giving up.
"Well it's good that you're here. Donna's abandoning us for Halloween so there goes our Scooby-Doo and the gang costume idea." Said Dot
"I never agreed to that." Wrote Roach as he followed his youngest sister into the living room.
"Well you guys debate Halloween costumes, I gotta get to school." Said Donna. She left as her siblings bid her goodbye.
"Ok, we don't have enough people for Scooby-Doo and the gang." Said Dot unhappily. She was going to be Velma, the most useful member of the group. Freddy just made them split up, Shaggy and Scooby were 'fraidy cats, and the only thing Daphne ever did was have her dad pay for them to drive around solving mysteries.
"Let's go as transformers, we can make the costumes out of boxes." Said Morgan visions of him being a hundred feet tall with Optimus Prime's body danced in his ten year old mind.
"There's more transformers than there are of us." Said Dot trying to find a five person group costume. They could go as Strawberry Shortcake and her friends if the boys agreed to wearing dresses.
"I don't even like transformers." Said Trysta crossing her arms. Honestly. If she didn't care so much about free candy she would just abandon this childhood ritual.
"Let's all go as whatever we want." Wrote Roach settling down on the couch
"That's a good idea. All in favor?" asked Trysta. She, Roach, and Morgan raised their hands. Dot was not happy.
"But-but we need a group costumes. Remember last year when we were a four headed monster?" asked Dot. Everyone but Roach groaned.
"Yeah, it sucked." Said Morgan remembering how they got egged on the way home and their costume fell apart. Sometimes he wished his family had enough money for the expensive costumes from the store.
"We walked so slow that we barely got any candy and the other kids made fun of us…more than usual." Said Trysta for her big brother's benefit. Roach patted her on the head.
"The year before that we were robots and that's too much like Transformers." Said Dot pointedly at Morgan.
"We walked so slow we barely got any candy because our costumes were made of boxes and silver glitter paint." Said Trysta. They were still finding glitter around the house.
"And they made fun of us at school the next day." Said Morgan under his breath. They wouldn't do that if they had kick-butt Transformer costumes and remembered not to put boxes over their joints…maybe…maybe.
"Not me, I didn't go to school yet." Said Dot triumphantly. Roach gave her a look that clearly conveyed the fact that she wasn't helping. Morgan and Trysta exchanged a look.
"Fine! Ruin Halloween! See if I care!" said Dot stomping off into the kitchen. Roach shrugged and got up to make his siblings some breakfast.
"I'm going as a transformer, forget what she says." Said Morgan as he followed his siblings into the kitchen
"You were just saying about the robot costumes." Said Trysta
"So?" asked Morgan cluelessly
"Transformers as robots and the costumes are still gonna be made of boxes." Said Trysta sitting at the table pouring herself some juice.
"Dang…I could always go as-as-" started Morgan wracking his brain for a suitably awesome costume. Something new and original and guaranteed to bring in trash bags full of candy.
"Someone smart." Muttered Trysta under her breath.
"You could go as David Jr. he's pretty scary sometimes." Said Dot as she mixed gummy bears into the pancake batter. Roach looked at her.
"You are." Said Trysta stating a flat fact. He was nice and funny and usually a pretty good big brother when he wasn't acting crazy. Right now, between the crying and nightmares and bed wetting which she wasn't supposed to know about, he was acting a lot like he did when he first got home. She'd be crazy too if she had as bad a life as he did.
"(Really?)" asked Roach in his missing tongue way. Morgan resisted the urge to laugh at the way his brother pronounced it wee-wee. Mom and Dad were very firm on the fact that he wasn't to make fun of his big brother.
"Uh…." Said his sibling at once. They all paused for a beat and then nodded in unison. It hurt.
"But not like a scary movie or anything. We know you wouldn't hurt us…you've just been kind of scary lately." Said Trysta.
"(Sorry.)" said Roach feeling even worse than he was before. He was a terrible person and his siblings were scared of him…and he sucked at making pancakes.
"It's Ok, you're not always scary. Right now you're nice." Said Dot. Her siblings nodded in agreement. It felt good.
"Now make my pancakes." Said Morgan like he was a king in his castle. Dottie stuck her tongue out before Trysta kicked her not so subtly from under the table.
"Don't fight each other." Wrote Roach on his little notebook. Dot finished mixing the batter and he put it in the frying pan. Looking at the stove, watching the flames, he remembered when he was little and Mommy…No! That was over now. He motioned for Trysta to come over.
"What?" asked Trysta as she crossed the linoleum floor of their kitchen.
"I don't feel so good, you finish." Wrote Roach. Trysta most certainly did not want to make breakfast but with Donna gone she was the second oldest in the room.
"Ok." Said Trysta. Roach smiled and nodded. He poured himself what was left in the Mr. Coffee after Donna had finished filling her two travel mugs. Why she needed two he'd never know.
"Can I have coffee?" asked Morgan not that he really wanted any, he just wanted to know what the adults liked about it so much.
"No, it'll stunt your growth." Wrote Roach citing the most common adult warning. He drank the bitter drew not caring that even with half his tongue missing it still tasted terrible.
"Then how come you get to drink it?" asked Morgan
"'Cause he's already tall." Said Dot in her best know it all voice. Trysta rolled her eyes and distributed everyone's gummy bear, gummy worm, chocolate chip pancakes ala David Jr. Footsteps could be heard coming down the stair case.
"Hey kids." Said David Sr. as he entered the kitchen. He gave his children a quick appraising look. David Jr. looked terrible.
"Hi dad." They all said at once. Trysta put more pancake batter in the frying pan for her father.
"I'll do that, honey." Said David Sr. Trysta shook her head.
"I'm not a baby, dad." Said Trysta crossly. She loved her father and she knew he loved her back but there had been some distance between the two of them after the whole thing with Fool.
"Well just let me-" said David Sr. attempting to take the spatula from her. Trysta pulled away.
"I said it's fine, dad." Said Trysta. David Sr. wanted to say something, a lot of things, but he glanced at his oldest son. One kid at a time, but not before he had his coffee.
"Don't tell me Donna took an entire pot of coffee again." Moaned David Sr. as he got the off brand coffee from the cabinet.
"OK dad, we won't tell you." Said Dottie sweetly as her father sat at the table waiting for the coffee pot to fill up.
"That's 'cause David Jr. finished it off." said Morgan earning him a kick from Dot.
"Stop fighting." Said David Sr. absently as he watched his son. The boy had begs under his eyes in general looked like he hadn't slept in days…which he probably hadn't.
"Here." Said Trysta as she served her family. David Sr. thought she was Amanda for a moment. He tried to cut into his pancake and found a half melted gummy bear.
"What's in these…exactly." Asked David Sr. as he saw his kids folding their pancakes into wraps and dunking them in glasses of syrup. On the counter there were open bags of candy and chocolate chips.
"They're good right? David Jr. invented them." said Dot through a mouthful of pancakes and syrup.
"We helped." Said Morgan. Roach nodded and tore his pancake into pieces so he wouldn't choke because of the whole missing half his tongue thing.
"…It's very good kids. You guys did good." Said David Sr. after a beat. It was…interesting….to say the least. He got up and got himself some coffee as Amanda entered the kitchen. She had her robe drawn closely around herself.
"Hey everybody." Said Amanda as she entered the kitchen. She took in the junk food strewn across the Formica counter top.
"Look what David Jr. and the kids invented." Said David Sr. giving her half his pancakes. Amanda wordlessly sat down and began to eat.
"Did you kids put sugar in the pancake batter? You just have to add water…" said Amanda slowly. The kids nodded.
"David Jr. can taste it better this way." Said Dot twitching a little in her seat. David and Amanda did not envy their kids' teachers.
"…Well that's good." Said Amanda. She surveyed her happy family. Four kids…like before only with David Jr. instead of Donna. She imagined Donna there and then the highchair. In the high chair she tried to picture another baby, maybe a boy but a girl would be nice, that is if they had one.
"Don't drink the syrup, we don't need any more dentist bills." Said David Sr. as Morgan tilted his glass back to consume the last of the sweet goodness.
"David Jr. gets to drink coffee so why can't I drink syrup?" asked Morgan. He didn't mean to be whiny but he hated how his brother got special treatment just because he was older and his life had been a living hell…not that he wanted to seem like a jerk or anything.
"When your tongue is cut out and you get horrifically abused you can drink whatever you want. Now go get ready for school. I'll take you today." Said David Sr.
"But Daddy, if you don't get to work on time then Grandpa will be mad and fire you and then we'll lose the house and then end up on the streets and we'll die." Said Dot. Roach got an all-together bad look on his face. It unnerved his parents.
"Nobody's going to die." Said Amanda firmly. She placed a reassuring hand on her oldest son's back. Roach flinched at the contact before leaning into his mother. He felt better being near her.
"Just go get ready for school." Said David Sr. clearing the plates. Next time he was going to make breakfast. He looked over at his wife and son. One damaged kid and maybe another on the way. So this was his life.
"Today's my day off, how'd you like to spend some time together, honey?" asked Amanda softly. David Sr. was about to respond when he realized Amanda was talking to David Jr. Roach made an Ok sign with his fingers.
"Mandy…are you Ok?" asked David Sr. Amanda looked up at her husband as she ran a hand through her son's hair.
"I'm fine." Said Amanda. She was everything but. She may have been pregnant, her oldest son was suffering, her middle daughter had sex at the age of twelve, and Morgan was Morgan. 1991 opened with little fanfare and looked like it was going to close on a down note. At least she got David Jr. back.
"You sure?" asked David Sr.
"I'm sure David, now go deal with the kids." Said Amanda more forcefully than she meant. She just wanted some time with her not so little boy before she had to decide whether to possibly usher another person into this world.
"Ok." Said David Sr. something was obviously on her mind but he wasn't going to press it with David Jr. in the room.
"How'd you like to go watch some TV for a little bit before we run some errands?" asked Amanda tracing circles in her son's back like he was the five year old she wished he was. Roach nodded and they made their way to the living room. Roach felt safe next to his mother and the new baby.
"Ok, this is driving me crazy." Said Amanda as they watched Attack of the Killer Tomatoes together. Not her first choice but the news was out of the question. She reached into her robe pocket and pulled out a small comb.
"The things I do for love…and my own vanity." Thought Roach as he leaned towards his mother. She ran the comb through his hair trying to get it to stay down.
"You want me to fix your hair? I like you kids to…well I like it when you look like you did." said Amanda. She didn't know exactly where the urge to keep her kids' hair her color had come from. Probably something about letting go and all that psycho babble.
"No, I'm Ok. Dad doesn't like it." wrote Roach. His father didn't like it and Roach didn't want to upset his father. That and he didn't exactly mind the way he looked so much anymore.
"If I had a dollar for everything your father and I disagreed on we could afford a that new Nintendo thing Morgan's been begging for." Laughed Amanda as only a wife could laugh.
"I'm Ok, really." Wrote Roach curling up next to his mother. He felt so safe there with her. It was almost like her was five again.
"I wish you were, baby, I wish you were." Said Amanda not even watching TV anymore. She put an arm around his shoulder. It was still boney but now at least the skin wasn't pulled tight over it anymore.
"Huh?" asked Roach. He really was right then with her. He couldn't for the rest of his day but now, well, now was perfect.
"How are you feeling, Alice?" asked Dr. Bliss, Alice's therapist.
"I'm Ok." Said Alice sitting in the big cushy chair. She went to her therapist once or twice a week and she didn't really like it that much. She's rather be with Roach. Adults not related to her parents made her nervous.
"You seem a little nervous? Why is that?" asked Dr. Bliss. Alice was by far the worst case she had ever seen in her fifteen years as a child therapist. Alice had also made an amazing amount of progress in a few short months. She managed to meet some new people, all relatives, and even leave her house to see her best friend.
"I'm always nervous. It-it's not you. It's just that-well-I don't know." said Alice feeling like she had said something wrong. She always felt like that when talking to adults.
"We went over this, that's normal. We can say as much or as little as you want. Why don't you tell me what you've been up to?" asked Dr. Bliss
"I we-went to dance class. My Aunt Grace says that maybe if I want I can be in class with other girls…but I don't really want to." Said Alice
"Why not? Are you afraid of new people or afraid that they won't like you, something like that?" asked Dr. Bliss. Alice shook her head.
"I'm still get-getting used to people I guess. When I'm walking to Roach's house or in the car it's ok because they don't try and talk to me." Said Alice
"Don't you want to make new friends?" asked Dr. Bliss. Alice but her lower lip.
"Why do I need new friends? I already have more friends than I've ever had in my entire life." Said Alice
"Well, who do you consider to be your friend?" asked Dr. Bliss making notes on the session. Alice smiled. Now she could talk about Roach.
"Roach, he's my very best friend ever. Fool's a friend but I haven't seen him in a while. My sister Debbie is my friend and Roach's sisters Donna, Trysta, and Dottie are my friends. She goes by Dot more now though but she looks like a Dottie." Said Alice
"So aside from Fool all of your friends are related to Roach?" asked Dr. Bliss. Alice got the feeling this wasn't a good thing.
"Y-Yes. Is that alright?" asked Alice
"Wouldn't you like to make your own friends? Or more friends?" asked Dr. Bliss. Alice was confused.
"I don't understand. Why would I want my own friends when I have Fool, Roach, and Roach's sisters?" Said Alice
"Don't you want a separate life from Roach?" asked Dr. Bliss. Alice looked affronted at the idea.
"No! I mean, I need Roach. He saved my life. I can't leave him." said Alice. Dr. Bliss took a moment to make some notes. Not healthy, not healthy at all.
"What, exactly, is your relationship with Roach? And remember what you say here stays here unless someone's hurting you." Said Dr. Bliss
"No, Roach would never do anything to hurt me. He loves me…I'm his girlfriend." Said Alice. She didn't want to talk about this very personal part of her life but she had to answer a question truthfully when an adult asked her to.
"Is this something you want to be? Are you comfortable in this relationship?" asked Dr. Bliss
"Of course I want to be his girlfriend, I love him and he loves me. We're getting married when we get older. He saved my life and took care of me. I took care of him. We made life bearable for each other." Said Alice playing with the hem of her orange overall khaki dress, her patent leather Mary-Jane dug into the carpet.
"I'm glad you're finding happiness in another person, Alice. This shows tremendous personal growth. How do your parents feel about this?" asked Dr. Bliss
"They don't know." said Alice softly. Suddenly her shoes were incredibly interesting.
"Now I can't give advice so you should tell them when you're ready. Is there any particular reason why you haven't told them?" asked Dr. Bliss
"M-My sister said that I shouldn't be-because parents didn't like to hear about that sort of thing." said Alice her Halloween pumpkin sweater suddenly seemed incredibly itchy.
"Now, you don't have to answer this, but is this a sexual relationship." Said Dr. Bliss. Alice suddenly felt very uncomfortable.
"I-I don't want to answer that." Said Alice nervously
"That's perfectly fine. This is something that is personal and private between you and him. Just make sure that you want to do these things. Nobody can make you do anything you don't want to do. It's your body and you're the only one with say in what happens to it." Said Dr. Bliss. Alice looked deep in thought for a moment.
"…Are boys supposed to cry afterwards?" asked Alice. The rule was what was said here stayed here and she really wanted to know why Roach cried. He always said it was nothing and he loved her more than anything else in the world. It never felt right to Alice and Debbie's explanation of he was a weird guy and therefore did weird things wasn't enough for her.
"No…" said Dr. Bliss. Wow, that was way out of left field. She honestly didn't know how to respond to that. They were here to discuss Alice and not Alice's favorite topic but this warranted some discussion.
"Am I doing something wrong?" asked Alice hating herself for hurting Roach. He was so good to her and she went and-and whatever it was the reason he was crying.
"Alice…when you were in the house did the people ever do anything sexual to you?" asked Dr. Bliss for the millionth time. Alice shook her head no but then stopped mid shake.
"Once a little bit after Roach got his tongue cut out Daddy threw me on my bed and ripped my robe off but then Roach came out of the wall and tried to kill him. Daddy took Roach into another room and Roach was crying but he stabbed Daddy a lot. Mommy and Daddy had a fight and then Daddy wasn't allowed to be near me." Said Alice. She didn't know what Daddy had been trying to do, she didn't know about stuff like that back then. Roach did. He saved her.
"Does Roach ever talk to you about what happened to him?" asked Dr. Bliss
"Roach tells me about what happened to him when he was a kid all the time. Once when he was three and Trysta was born he and Donna tried to trade her for cheese fries and quarters for pong but their parents found them and they got in trouble. This is back when they lived in one room above the old twenty four hour bowling alley. Now it's a Laundromat-" said Alice getting more animated as she discussed her boyfriend's early childhood. Dr. Bliss cut Alice off just as she was getting into the story where the Cullen's moved into their current house.
"That's good Alice but I was wondering if he ever told you about his time in the cellar or what his experience of living with the Robeson's was." said Dr. Bliss. Alice's smile faded. She hoped that if she crammed as much information of Roach's life story into their remaining time together she could get off the subject of Mommy and Daddy. She didn't want to talk about that chapter of her life. She just wanted it all to disappear like a memory from a dream.
"Roach doesn't like to talk about that. I'm glad he doesn't. The people under the stairs scare me. I saw them up close at the first part of the trial. I'm glad Roach isn't one of them." said Alice. She had seen them in her childhood but never up close. She hated them, well not Messenger and Headbanger. They were weird but Roach liked them and they had a baby. She hated the one named Boss because Roach did even if he didn't say so. She hated anyone who hurt Roach.
"I'm just trying to say that Roach maybe have been hurt in different ways than you which is why he cries after sex. These things take time to work through. It's most likely nothing you did wrong. He just needs time." said Dr. Bliss
"How much time?" asked Alice. Even if she was a bad girl she liked having sex with Roach. She felt closer to him then than ever. She wished every time could be like the first time, Roach wasn't sad then and they had done it three times in a row.
"That depends on what happened to him and how he's working through it. How often does he see his therapist?" asked Dr. Bliss
"He doesn't see a therapist. His real father says that therapy turns wives against husbands, sons against father, and neighbors against him." said Alice
"What…?" asked Dr. Bliss. That was by far the most asinine thing she had ever heard. In fact, that may have border lined on neglect. Her heart went out for that poor boy.
"I don't know why he says that. Donna says I really, truly, don't want to know why he says that." Said Alice
"Well, let's talk about you for our remaining few minutes. You and Roach take precautions when you have sex, right?" asked Dr. Bliss
"Precautions? I have pills in a circle case that Debbie says keep me from having a baby. My real parents say that they're vitamins so I guess that they're both." Said Alice
"I'd advise that you two use condoms too. Here, take this." Said Dr. Bliss reaching into her desk pulling out a condom and a pamphlet on safe sex. Alice put both into her pink beaded bag.
"That'll keep me from having a baby?" asked Alice
"Yes, if you use it correctly. You can get more at any drug store." Said Dr. Bliss
"I-I'd have to go in?" asked Alice. She had never been to a store by herself before.
"Don't worry, people won't try and hurt you. Most people aren't like the Robeson's." said Dr. Bliss
"But then everyone will know I was bad." Said Alice quietly. Debbie said what she and Roach were doing wasn't bad and her mother said that sex wasn't bad back when she first explained it to her. However, Alice knew it was bad because…well she just knew.
"There's nothing bad about doing things like that. They don't make you bad. What have we been working on all these months?" asked Dr. Bliss. She felt for Alice more than many of her other patients. She was originally just a good case for her career but she had come to care about Alice. Personally and professionally she needed to reverse the damage the Robeson's did.
"I'm a good person. There's nothing bad about me and the perfectly normal things I do and feel." Said Alice as if she was reading from a script. Dr. Bliss nodded.
"Just remember that. You are somebody good Alice. Remember." Said Dr. Bliss. Alice did feel better now. It felt good being told these things by an adult.
"Ok, I'll remember." Said Alice smiling a little. She glanced at the clock, time to go.
"We'll pick this up next week. It's been good talking to you, Alice." Said Dr. Bliss opening the door revealing Mary-Ann pretending to be engrossed in her parenting book. She smiled as she saw her daughter leave the room looking a little better than she had when she went in.
"C'mon honey, let's get going." Said Mary-Ann. Alice nodded and walked close to her mother. She knew this building but there were too many people she didn't know. It made her nervous. They went down the elevator and out into the parking garage in silence.
"You can sit in front if you want, Allie." Said Mary-Ann. Alice nodded and took her seat. She knew from the fights that broke out within the ranks of the Cullen kids that sitting in front was something really good.
"So…how was your session with Dr. Bliss?" asked Mary-Ann as she exited the parking garage. Alice clutched her seatbelt with both hands as they went down the ramp. She wanted to go home and be with Roach. Cars made her nervous.
"Good." Said Alice as she watched the world go by. Mary-Ann tapped her wedding ring against the steering wheel as they came to a red light. Tap, tap, tap…
"What did you talk about? If it's not too private." Said Mary-Ann. Alice smiled and pulled her bag a little closer to herself.
"Roach and me…" said Alice with a faint red tint spreading over her face. Mary-Ann noticed this. She knew that Alice had feelings for the Cullen boy and he returned them.
"What about David Jr. and you…that is if it's not too personal?" Said Mary-Ann. Alice bit her lower lip. It was personal, very personal, and she didn't want to share it with her real mother. For a moment she was back in the house with Mommy…she reminded herself that she was in a car with her real mother who would never hurt her.
"It's…um…" said Alice. She was torn between being good and telling her mother and keeping her personal love making to herself.
"It's Ok, I understand. It's personal between you and you're boyfriend." Said Mary-Ann. Part of her was hoping that Alice would insist that he wasn't her boyfriend...the rest of her was happy that Alice had found someone and was acting like a normal fourteen year old girl.
"O-Ok." Said Alice smiling. Mary-Ann internally cursed the Robeson's for taking her daughter's childhood away. She had missed everything…but not this. Not her first boyfriend. She was so distracted she almost passed the pharmacy near their home.
"I just have to fill some prescriptions, honey, you want to come in or stay in the car?" asked Mary-Ann. Alice deliberated for a moment. In the car was smaller but she was still outside and she wasn't exactly sure of this place…it was safer with her real mother.
"I'll go with you." Said Alice. Mary-Ann took this as progress and they entered the pharmacy. Mary-Ann and Alice walked to the back to pick up the prescriptions when they ran into two very familiar people. Mary-Ann and Alice walked up to the prescription counter to say hi.
"….well you need to get used to being out and about…Alice's house doesn't count. You've been too much of a shut in lately." Muttered Amanda as she fished through her overstuffed wallet for her insurance card. She didn't notice the two very familiar people behind them.
"Hi Amanda, Roach." Said Mary-Ann tapping Amanda on the shoulder. Amanda jumped back startled and knocked the contents of her cheap blue shopping basket to the ground.
"Wonderful." Muttered Amanda as everyone got down on the floor to help put the things back into the basket. Mary-Ann and Alice began to apologize profusely. Amanda ignored them, she was more concerned with getting the hell out of there.
"I'm sorry…sorry…" said Alice as she handed a bottle of cough syrup to Roach's mother. Roach took it from her, his hand brushing hers. It was like bolts of electricity ran between them. Alice tried to hide the small smile that played across her face; she was certain that everyone could see her thoughts written all over her face.
"It's alright, really." Said Amanda watching the exchange passing between her son and his girlfriend with interest. She glanced over at Mary-Ann who was still trying to smooth the situation over completely oblivious to her daughter's emotional state.
"So, what brings you here?" asked Mary-Ann trying to make small talk. It wasn't that she dislike Amanda Cullen, she just disliked being around her and her son. He was who Alice could have been if she had been the one to try and call for help. It was wrong of her to feel grateful that it had been him and not Alice.
"Medicines both over the counter and prescription…oh, and Halloween candy. You?" asked Amanda trying to make small talk for her son's sake. This was his girlfriend's mother after all and Amanda had to put aside her feelings about certain things. David Jr. could have still been able to speak if things had gone differently….or he could have been dead. She wasn't complaining.
"Same…but except for the Halloween candy. So…are your kids trick or treating?" asked Mary-Ann as Amanda finally got her insurance card from her wallet. She tried not to look at the old wallet size of Donna, David Jr., and Trysta from all the way back in Christmas of 1980 before all of this happened.
"Yup, for the first time in eleven years." Said Amanda not consciously trying to be stand-offish. She just wanted to get home, get David Jr. to take his freakin' pills, and then pee on the stupid stick so she could confirm what she already knew.
"We're taking Allie, Ronald and I." said Mary-Ann thanking God that the pharmacist was back. What was Amanda's problem.
"You could just let her come with my kids. It's not like I'm going to lose them a second time or anything…heh…" said Amanda giving a weak laugh. She pushed a lock of her limp blonde-brown hair from her face. Her son and his girlfriend had gone off to the side and were having a private conversation in his notebook. Amanda decided to keep this going for her son's sake.
"Oh it's alright, we'd like to spend the time with Allie just like I'm sure you'd like to spend time with Roach." Said Mary-Ann only catching her faux-pas when Amanda glared at her.
"I let it slide the first time but I'd like you to call him David, David Jr., or just plain Junior." Said Amanda. Mary-Ann smiled nervously.
"Sorry, Amanda." said Mary-Ann digging her foot into the ground. Her foot brushed up against something partially under the counter. She bent down and picked it up. Amanda quickly took it from her hand and buried it under the bags of candy in her shopping basket.
"Congratulations!" said Mary-Ann because it was the first thing that came to mind. Amanda shrugged her faded sweater clad shoulders.
"If you say so, I guess." Said Amanda thinking of the diaper changes, midnight feedings, the cost…oh God the cost…
"Umm…well I'm sorry then…I guess…" said a very uncomfortable Mary-Ann. What was that pharmacist doing back there for so long?
"No, I'm sorry. I was a jerk to you." Said Amanda. She actually was. None of this, any of it, was Mary-Ann's fault.
"It's alright, really. I'd imagine that you're stressed with everything that's happened these past few months, Lord knows I am, and now…this…I mean it might not be positive, not that this is any of my business or anything." Said Mary-Ann watching Alice out of the corner of her eye. She knew that look…the little giggles, the closeness between them…good thing Alice was taking her pill every day.
"I wish. Believe me, this is one test I never fail. C'mon, David Jr." said Amanda as she finally got the pill cocktail that allowed her son to function.
"Ok, I'll be there tomorrow morning. Love you." Wrote Roach as he turned to follow his mother. He quickly turned back to Alice and kissed her before anyone could notice. He wanted her then. He wanted her under him; her hands running through his hair, her legs wrapped around him….and he hated himself for wanting her. Alice wanting him too, it was written all over her face. Mary-Ann clutched the circular pill pack through the paper prescription bag. Thank God for modern medicine.
"A-Allie?" asked Mary-Ann. She wanted to-to-to she didn't know. To have her daughter laugh in her face and tell her that David Jr. was only her friend and that sex was gross. She wanted a little girl but she had a little woman.
"Yes, real mother?" asked Alice coming to her mother's side. She looked like she was sucking on a particularly sour lemon. It worried Alice.
"I was-was just wondering if you wanted to help me make dinner tonight. I'm making Jell-O with shrimp frosting." Said Mary-Ann blurting out the first recipe that came to mind. She knew she cooked like her mother and she didn't care. It was good enough for people back in the 50's when she was growing up and it was good enough for her daughters.
"O-Ok." Said Alice not at all looking forward to the olive, celery, and pimento filled thing topped with shrimp and mayonnaise. It was still better than the better not to be identified pieces of meat Mommy would cook.
"See you later Amanda, David Jr." said Mary-Ann waving as she left the pharmacy with her daughter trailing behind her with a small piece of paper clutched in her hand.
"I honestly can't decide if I like that woman or not." Said Amanda as she paid for her various purchases. The scrawling of Roach's pen onto his little notebook could be heard over the artificially cheery canned shopping soundtrack.
"She's nicer than Mommy and she makes Jell-O for dinner." Wrote Roach. Amanda cocked an eyebrow as she paid. The cashier who was staring at Roach the entire time finally met his eye. Roach almost caught himself thinking she was pretty. Only Alice was pretty.
"I didn't know people still made those savory Jell-O mold things." Said Amanda as they made their way from the store. Roach could feel some anxiety creeping in, he always felt better inside four protective walls.
"Why? They're really good." He liked how easy they were to eat and how he could actually taste them. That was the fourth or fifth reason he loved going to Alice's house, good leftovers.
"Well for you maybe but there's something about the combination of the Jell-O and the hardness of whatever's in there and those gross mayonnaise based frostings…ugh…thank God those things went out of style by the time you were born." Said Amanda. This discussion was good. This discussion took her mind off the cardboard box burning a worry hole in her mind.
"Well Morgan agrees with me." Wrote Roach mentally sticking out his tongue like a small child. This wasn't a real argument; he would never argue with his real mother, it was more of a discussion. It was like talking to a friend that didn't eat people.
"I've seen Morgan eat the old melted candies from two or more Halloween's ago he keeps in the couch cushions and thinks I don't know about." laughed Amanda. Roach liked her laugh, it was nothing like the cold, cruel laughs Mommy would give when she held him under the water…too hot…too deep…no! Not now!
"Maybe the new baby will agree with me when it gets older." Wrote Roach. Amanda stopped in her tracks, the plastic bag from the pharmacy slipping from her hands spreading its contents across the sidewalk. Roach rushed to her aid.
"How do you…" said Amanda quietly as Roach checked to make sure her heart was still beating.
"I heard you and father talking about it. I hope it's a boy. It'd be nice to have another little brother and then they'll be an even number of boys and girls." Wrote Roach. Amanda suddenly lost her equilibrium and found herself sitting on some stranger's front lawn.
"David Jr…" started Amanda. She didn't know what to say but she knew not to burden her son, someone who had suffered enough in his fifteen years of life, with her problems.
"(Yes?)" Said Roach using his voice. It cracked mid word, reminding Amanda just how old he was.
"I-I'm not sure if I'm having a baby…so just don't…bring it up…until your father and I are sure." Said Amanda. Roach nodded and looked down at her stomach. It looked normal but then again what did he know about women's bodies. After a moment Roach made an OK sign with his fingers.
"That's my boy, now let's go home." Said Amanda ruffling his hair. It wasn't too toned anymore, leaning more towards a brown darker than hers. She didn't want him to look much different from when he was little and she made the worst mistake of her life.
"Uh-huh." Said Roach as they made their way home down semi-familiar streets. He could almost remember a time when he and Donna raced up and down this sidewalk with little Trysta in her stroller. It hurt him to think that he would never be able to do that with Morgan and Dot. He looked over to his mother's stomach. He hoped she was having another baby.
If it were up to Eloise she would never, ever, visit North Mercy Mental Hospital. It wasn't the bedlam she had been locked away in when she escaped but it still left a bad taste in her mouth. These poor people warehoused here until they either died or were taken in. Miracle began to fuss in her little stroller.
"You and me both, Miracle. You and me both…" said Eloise as she picked up her great-grandchild. Miracle's cries had attracted the attention of not only her parents but also the other people under the stairs.
"Messenger, Headbanger, Stop that racket!" called Boss as he sat listening to the TV. Messenger mimed stabbing him and some of the people under the stairs laughed; an unthinkable action if they had still been in the cellar.
"The crying means she's alive." Said Headbanger defiantly. She eyed the white coat's helpers. They wouldn't let Boss hurt her and Boss most likely wouldn't risk his common room time. The other patients who had enough sense to do so had moved to a different common room long ago to avoid these strange mutilated people.
"If we were in the cellar I'd smother her and not just for the noise." Said Boss still facing the television, a simple brail book in his lap. So far he could recognize eleven letters.
"…I should have smothered you." Muttered Messenger as he tried to put his coat on. He was always more coherent when he was mad. Headbanger did the same and Eloise took this a them signaling that they wanted to leave. She didn't blame them. She had been on the end of the people under the stair's cutting remarks and even violence on occasion.
"What did you just say?" asked Boss sitting up. The people under the stairs watched the scene unfolding. At this point of their stay in the home they knew not to fight when the white coat's helpers were around.
"What you think? When you a baby Messenger wish he smother you. That what Boss get when he say shit like that 'bout Miracle." Said Messenger looking Boss right where his eyes would have been if Mommy hadn't cut them out.
"You're gonna regret ever saying that." Said Boss. Headbanger tried to look unafraid. She reminded herself that she wasn't in the cellar anymore and there was nothing Boss could do.
"No, Messenger not. Messenger go home now, see you guys next week." Said Messenger with as much conviction as he could muster. He stood at his full height even though Boss couldn't see it. To the people under the stairs it was like what they imagined watching a trainwreck was like. Messenger would pay. Somehow he would pay.
"Bye." Said Headbanger as she scuttled off with her new family. She wanted to stay, wanted to visit with her old family, but didn't want there to be a fight. Boss was wrong to say that about Miracle, the little person who grew inside of her for all those months. He was the one who would pay.
"Sorry." Said Messenger as they got themselves situated in the car. He wanted to stay and see his family again, he loved these visits, but he hated Boss and Scribe and a lot of other people. He wasn't a vengeful person by nature, life was far too short for that nonsense, but he hated Boss for being such a terrible leader and hurting him and the people he loved.
"It's OK." Said Headbanger lacing her fingers in his. It really wasn't but that was what she was supposed to say in these situations.
"No, hate Boss." Said Messenger. Boss was right up there in right under Mommy and Daddy on his list of people he hated.
"I hate him too but he's our leader." Said Headbanger. Eloise cleared her throat to get their attention. Miracle seemed to find this amusing.
"Why, exactly, is he your leader?" said Eloise as she tried to focus on the road ahead of her. Messenger and Headbanger exchanged a look.
"Because Bites died." Said Messenger. He remembered that like it was yesterday…he missed Bites…
"No, I mean right now in October of 1991." Said Eloise as they approached a red light. Messenger and Headbanger were deep in thought. From her tone they could tell that the obvious answer was probably wrong.
"Because…he's the leader of the People Under the Stairs and we're from under the stairs." Said Headbanger testing her words out carefully. Eloise resisted the urge to bash her head against the steering wheel.
"Yes but are you under the stairs anymore?" asked Eloise slowly. If this was a cartoon a light bulb would have appeared over their heads.
"She mean that we not under stairs no more so we don't gotta listen to Boss." Said Messenger. That idea had been in his head for a while, he had just been too apprehensive to voice it. When he was a boy a splinter group of people had moved into the attic and called themselves The People Above the Stairs; none survived.
"We're always going to be people under the stairs." Said Anita feeling her fake ears. She knew that she could never let go of the shared history, the shared suffering, of her family.
"But we not under there no more so no more listening to Boss." Said Messenger in the voice Eloise used when she was putting her foot down about something.
"I'm still-we're still-" said Anita. Eloise hoped that Anita wasn't going to have a nervous breakdown right there in the car. Messenger put a hand over her mouth.
"We still what we is but Messenger not listen Boss no more. He say hurt Miracle, that's bad. If we was still under the stairs Messenger hurt Boss but outsiders not fight as much." Said Messenger.